AN: I never do these before the chapter but...
First of all I need to thank my wonderful beta Cheddah. Not only does she fix all my grammar errors and word fuckery but she has been there every step of the way when I need her. She is a true friend inside and outside the fanfic world. I would not be here right now if not for her. Thank you for always being there when I needed you and never abandoning SB or me.
Lucy, ily. Thank you for all the late night chats abt tardward and hoboella. also, I would hope that if SB were not electronic u would be sniffing this right now.
I wrote two one shots you can check those out on my profile page. One for the Age Of Edward Contest the other for the Tattward and Inkella Contest. They're both comedies. Let me know what you think of my humor.
Also, after you get done with this chapter if you want to go check out my new multichapter fic Safecracker, the prologue should be up shortly after I post this chapter. Soon after, around the time I post the epilogue to SB I'll be posting Oubliette another multichapter fic. If you're interested I'll be posting some info on those fics on my profile page along with a poll on Fightward's fate in the next chapter. Um, vote on that if u care if he lives or dies.
Fic Rec real quick:
Emancipation Proclamation by kharizzmatik
The Blessing and the Curse by The Black Arrow
If You Could Read My Mind by bella c'ella luna
DARKWARD VAMPFIC CONTEST check out my profile for more info if you want to join or just check it out. kthanks.
Also, this is the second to last chapter before the end. Chapter 20 is the fight and 21 will be the epilogue. Sniffle. It's almost over...
I don't own Twilight or any of SM's Characters. I do however own Fightward and shitloads of gauze and tape.
Off you go now...
LEMONS AHEAD!!! MATURE MATERIAL AHEAD. IF YOU ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER.
CHAPTER – 19 I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT TOMORROW
If your feet hurt from walking too much,
then I will tend to them, with a velvet touch.
If your lungs just don't want to work today,
then I'll perform a mouth to mouth until you're okay.
Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips,
circling your lips.
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,
I can tell you do.
I know all your favorite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots.
If your muscles are wound up and tight,
then I will loosen up the knots until it feels right.
If your ears just ache from listening,
then I'll supply the remedy in the melodies I sing.
Don't you just love the feeling of my fingertips,
circling your lips.
Don't you just love the desire taking hold of you,
well I can tell you do.
I know all your favorite spots,
and tonight we will connect the dots.
The Spill Canvas – "Connect the Dots"
BPOV
Tuesday, December 29th 2009 (2 Days until Masen Vs. Hunter)
The past week had drained me on all levels. The need for a vacation away from the emotional stresses that had descended upon me and Edward was at the forefront of my mind. The overwhelming urge to run far away and deal with everything that we had laid on the table consumed my mind as I absently swept the scuffed floors. The rich, flaxen texture of the overly waxed wood shined up at me as I gathered the last of the dust and trash into my pale and shuffled to the waste bin. Wandering between the fitness equipment, I inhaled the smell of cleaner and old leather. I had cleaned all the mirrors and every flat surface of workout machinery had been thoroughly disinfected, and the floors had been swept and mopped, and then swept again. I was running out of things to clean here.
Emmett had closed down the gym until the holidays were over. It was silent and slightly eerie as I looked around. I had never really been in the annex when it was vacant and early on in the day. It felt wrong for this place to be so quiet and bereft. I racked my brain for anything I could possibly do here and came up empty.
I had no excuses now. I had to go home. I had to go and see Edward. The two emotions swirling inside me had been combating all day.
Go to him, spend time with him, love him, be with him.
Stay, distance yourself, prepare yourself, protect yourself.
I knew that I was stretching myself thin. Realistically, I knew that with all the emotions and confessions we had endured over the past week, something was going to break. Something was going to come crashing down on us and I sure as hell didn't know if it was going to be good or bad. The urge to stay and fight along side Edward had long since won out over the desire to flee. I was going to put everything I had into making this work for the long haul. Because of how my parents marriage failed, I was determined not to make those same mistakes. I knew the importance of communication, I knew how much it mattered to be open minded and considerate. Yelling, arguing, pushing and instigating never got anyone anywhere.
But it sure as shit is satisfying.
I wasn't the poster child for communication or honesty, this I was aware of. But I could learn from my mistakes and it wasn't like I would make the same exact one again. Not in this instance at least.
I remembered the details of our Christmas night together and how I had ruined every chance of us having a nice holiday. Recounting those details was like fishing for a black stone in a murky riverbed. I could almost see it, almost remember it in fine detail, but it was through a haze of tears and hysteria. The only thing I can clearly recall is how he held me after I opened the bathroom door, and how he begged me to stay with him.
Crazy, stupid man. How could I leave?
With my past laid out for him to pick and gaze at, I felt so bare - as if the covers had been yanked off my naked body. I was very aware of the way my past could have been viewed, but I felt lighter. The blanket had weighed thousands of pounds and was constricting my breathing and I now felt free. And to be honest, knowing that Edward could see me was relieving. I felt better knowing that if he rejected me now, at least he knew the truth. He knew the whole story and I wouldn't have to worry about 'what if's'.
I pressed my palms into my eyes and walked with heavy feet into the small employee lounge to gather my things and head home. I tamped down the urges to hide from Edward, a futile attempt at making Thursday easier for me. I had to stop thinking of myself. I wasn't the one going into that ring. I wasn't the one sacrificing my body. I was going to be watching the man I loved being hit at and beaten. I berated myself for thinking of it in such a melodramatic way. It wasn't as if Edward was helpless. He could fight back, he was strong. Jasper and Emmett had worked with him everyday. He was lean, hard, and fast. There was no match, no comparison to him in the practice fights he did. I would watch him during his swimming exercises, through his drills and I found comfort knowing he was prepared. But it was the unexpected that twisted in my stomach. The fear of sitting in that hospital again and begging his unconscious form to wake up; begging him not to leave me here alone, had me on the verge of hysterics.
The cruelest hand fate could deal me at this point would be to give me Edward's love just to take it away. I understood Edward's words better than he knew. I would give everything in my life, every possession I owned and the breath from my body if only they wouldn't take him. If only he were allowed to come out of this alive and okay. I could handle the bruises and the cuts. I could take the broken bones, but I couldn't handle him never waking up.
I picked up the purse that Alice had gotten me for Christmas and fished out the small velvet box my ring was in. It wasn't so bad; the more I wore it, the more attached I became. To say it wasn't a beautiful ring would be a blatant lie. It was how beautiful and how honestly expensive it was that made me nervous. I had never owned anything this nice before, and the fact that Edward had pretty much ingrained the symbol of his love in it made my conflicting emotions concerning the silver and emeralds that much more…conflicting. Slipping it on, I dug for my keys and checked to make sure I had everything I needed before leaving. Tugging on the heavy gray wool coat that Edward had made me promise to wear, I trudged out to my truck. On my way out the door I glanced up and saw the thermostat on the hallway wall and stared at it for a second in shock.
Now! Now, I find the damn thing. Fucker.
The drive home was uneventful and I was thankful for the lack of traffic. My truck rumbled a soothing noise at me before I cut the engine and stepped out into the frigid air. I eyed Edward's Volvo parked two spaces over from mine. There was frost on the windshield; he'd been home a while. The snow blanketed the ground, a pathway of muddy ice trailing from the small parking lot and into the apartment building. I watched my breath fog as I walked precariously on the slick sidewalk. I slid a few times on the steps before making it inside, relatively unscathed.
I marched up the steps, wondering what I would find when I made it into the apartment. Would he be asleep already? Would he have waited up? He was probably hungry. I sighed. It wasn't terribly late, around eight or so, but later than I normally arrived home. I usually beat him here. Emmett had offered to let me out of work early so that I could leave with Edward but I declined, using the excuse that I wouldn't be working all next week and I was the best cleaning girl he had.
I made it to the door and looked at the brass numbers adorning it. The two was tarnished more than the three and I cocked my head a little, wondering why I had never noticed that before. I pushed down the reflective emotions inside me and unlocked the door, stepping into the apartment. The lights were all on; every single one. Furrowing my brows, I took slow steps into the living room and looked around. It was empty and clean, nothing on the coffee table, nothing to suggest he had been in here for any amount of time. The television was off, which was unusual. Edward usually liked for it to be on in the background.
I heard a thump from the bedroom and turned my head towards the sound. I dropped my purse and peeled off my coat, throwing it over the couch. Taking measured steps toward the bedroom, I felt the hairs stand up on my neck. There was something going on. Whether it was something good or bad, I didn't know. The apartment was fine, but the lights being on and the TV being off was throwing me a mixed signal that something was just wrong. I heard the faint strains of the shower running. Tip-toeing toward the door, I saw it was closed and that, too, was strange.
Edward never shut the door when he showered. He teased me mercifully about that fact. It was our way of saying that the invitation was always open. I wrapped my fingers around the cold knob and turned it slowly. My hackles rising, telling me to be prepared for what was behind the door. My legs tingled, ready to run away if I needed to. The door was resisting my pushes and I looked down to see Edward's jeans and shirt on the floor being wedged under the gap. I stuck my head through the door and squinted to see through the steam.
Edward was standing in the shower, facing the spray. His right arm was bent at the elbow, his forearm pressed against the tile and his left hand was trained in front of him. His head was bowed and his chest shook as if he were crying. I opened my mouth to ask him what was wrong when his head dropped back and he moaned. My eyebrows shot up and I snapped my mouth shut. Then I noticed what his hand was doing. He was touching himself.
"Fuck," His voice came out in a hiss and tossed his head back down before shaking the water out of his eyes.
I felt the heat rush between my legs and my breath hitched. My heart was hammering and I knew I should back out, shut the door and let him have his privacy but the flexing of his back and shoulders as his arm moved was hypnotizing. I listened as his moans rose above the din of the water, and suddenly he slammed his palm against the tile and straightened his back. I panicked and shut the door softly, backing out into the living room. My breathing was labored as I leaned my arms on the sofa back and tried to compose myself.
A few moments later I heard the water cut off and the glass door banging open. He was in a bad mood. The door slammed shut. A really bad mood.
I flew into the kitchen and dug through the fridge, suddenly terrified that he was upset at me. I shouldn't have taken so fucking long at the gym. I should have come home earlier. I knew he wanted to spend time with me and I stalled on purpose for selfish reasons. I basically blew him off tonight and now he was angry. I pulled out a loaf of sourdough bread and some deli meat, rushing around with the cheese and condiments. I would make us some grilled sandwiches. He loved those. Just as I was layering on the lettuce, I felt him in the kitchen. It was almost like trying not to run from a rabid dog. That's how hard it was not to turn and look at him. The heat grew intensively and I knew he was right behind me.
"Where were you?" His voice held a strain that I couldn't identify.
"I was at the gym. I offered to clean the annex since I won't be there for a few weeks. Emmett's giving me the time off, remember?" I still refused to turn to look at him, except now it was much easier. I was terrified of seeing his face.
"I waited…I thought…You were supposed to be home a few hours ago. I was going to go look but…"
This time I did turn to look at him. His eyes held blame but his mouth, the tremble in his lips was all fear, the way his forehead wrinkled, it was all worry.
"I'm sorry, Edward. I was just trying to help them out since I wouldn't be there for a while. I should have called but I was so wrapped up in cleaning and making sure everything was in order that I forgot. Please, don't be angry with me."
His face relaxed and he inhaled deeply before grabbing me roughly and crushing my body to his. I buried my face in his chest and clung to him; my fingers digging into his back and my leg rising on it's own accord to wrap around his thigh. He felt damp even through the sweats and t-shirt. His skin was moist and his hair still dripping wet. He walked us backwards from the counter and grabbed my legs, lifting me around him. With an arm under my ass and one around my back, he carried me against his chest to the bedroom.
"But your sandwich…"
"I'm not hungry for that right now."
"Jasper said that we can't do this…"
"Jasper's not here."
The finality in his voice was enough to make hell freeze over. My grip tightened as he laid me back on the bed.
"Stay here," I whined. Not wanted to separate my body from his yet.
"I'm not going anywhere." There was a hint of accusation in his voice.
"Neither am I, Edward." I tried to say it with bite but I couldn't rise above a whisper. We were still dancing around with this, still holding onto our insecurities.
He kissed my chest above my heart, and pried my hands from his back. My eyes began to prick with wetness so I turned my face to side, hiding from him. Fat, hot tears streamed down my face and I was ashamed at how emotional I was being. I needed to be strong, not a wreck of tears and frustration. Unfortunately, I grew more upset that I was upset.
"Jesus, I'm sorry. Don't cry, please, shit! I'm sorry, was I too rough? I didn't mean to be rough. I'm not upset, Bella; I was just worried. Dammit! I'm sorry, baby. Don't cry, please, please don't cry. I can't kick my own ass, I've tried and it's too hard. Please, don't cry."
I choked out a laugh at his attempt at humor and he grinned.
"There's my girl."
Like clockwork my lip slipped between my teeth and his eyes zoned in on the habit. His fingers gently rubbed over my bottom lip and teeth. I released the skin and he replaced his fingers with his mouth. He was gentle and soft, but I didn't need the kid gloves. I didn't need the cushions and nets. I wanted the heat. I wanted the burn that we had the first time we made love. I wanted that urgency.
I pressed against him, grabbing his face in my hands and forcing his lips to part. He complied quickly, pressing back just as fiercely until I was pressed into the pillow and his body was crushing mine. My legs parted to accommodate his hips and he ran his hands from my knees to my shoulders; roughly grasping me and making me writhe with need.
Jasper is definitely not here.
The heat was expanding from my stomach to my chest and out into my limbs. The slow need was building inside. He hadn't touched me in over a week. We had kissed and cuddled but never went any farther and it was killing me. I was beginning to feel defective. I knew that he was going to look at us differently when he found out about my past, but I had hoped that it wouldn't stop him from wanting me physically. I needed this so badly. I needed to know that it would feel the same even if he knew what happened. I needed to know that he still loved me with the same passion and fire that he'd had before.
Before anything could progress beyond deep kisses and heavy petting, he pulled away and pressed his face into my neck. His forehead was sweaty and I felt him sucking in air quickly. I almost thought he was hyperventilating.
"Edward? Edward, what's wrong?"
He sniffled and my heart clenched.
"Please, tell me you won't leave me. Please, I know this fight…I know it's not what you wanted but I can't lose you. I know it's going to be hard for both of us but I'm trying and I have to do this. I have to do this for me and for us. I can't do this without you. I can't even imagine things without you. Please, say you'll stay. Promise you'll stay with me."
I was breaking around his voice. My chest constricted and I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed him into my body. His arms burrowed between me and the mattress, holding my body down and surrounding me in his smell and his presence. I took in a deep breath and kissed his ear before whispering to him.
"I won't ever leave you, Edward. As long as you want me here, I'll be here."
Despite the fact that I desperately wanted us to make love tonight, I understood that holding him and just being here with him was more important. I needed to comfort him, to be here. I needed to be invested in this and show him my support and not flake off on him when I got insecure. I had to repress my apprehensions and be there for him one hundred and ten percent.
His breathing soon calmed down and his fingers kneaded my back, stroking tightly. I groaned and held him tighter in my embrace. My thighs squeezed down on his hips and I stroked his hair, trying to soothe him as best I knew. Words would do nothing for Edward. I had to show him I was here and that I cared. I had to be supportive physically. It was how he understood things.
"Hey, you need to eat something. Let's eat and we can relax, okay?"
I felt his hair tickling my collar bone as he nodded but made no move to get off me. Giggling, I wiggled some and he tightened his hold on me. I didn't have time to make a smart ass comment before he was picking me up again and holding me to his chest. He carried me easily and deposited me on the counter in the kitchen. I flipped the bread onto the sandwiches and we ate together as Edward stood between my legs. The food was still warm and I felt good knowing he ate both his sandwiches with a full glass of milk. He hadn't had much of an appetite before the last fight.
We watched some TV and talked about random things. Certain subjects were widely avoided, like the fight and anything that would relate to our past. We weren't avoiding so much as waiting. I knew once the excitement of New Year's died down, we would have to deal with these issues but for now we were just making it through one hour at a time. Around ten we climbed into bed and held onto each other tightly. It was comforting, in a perverse way, to know that Edward felt as desperate as I did for the connection. Sleep did not come easily but together we drifted off.
**
Edward woke me up obscenely early with a huge grin plastered on his despicably handsome face. I groaned and rolled over into the warm spot he had left.
"Too early."
"Get up! Get showered, get dressed and meet me in the kitchen!"
I weighed my options for a while before realizing that I had a snowball's chance in hell at getting him back in bed when he was so pumped full of energy. I felt like death warmed over when I got in the shower and proceeded to wake myself up. After drying off and dressing in a pair of jeans, a thermal undershirt and a sweater, I grumped into the kitchen. Edward was there waiting for me with a hot cup of coffee. He had already added the unhealthy amount of sugar and cream that I liked. Now, had he just woken me up at five-thirty in the morning, would have been one thing. But he was buttering me up with my coffee; Edward severely disapproved of how I took my coffee. He said it wasn't really coffee this way and was incredibly unhealthy. He even went to the lengths of dumping out my creamer and hiding the sugar. The fact that he was practically shoving it down my throat had me suspicious of his motives.
"What's going on?"
Second tip that all was not right in casa de Masen: he looked overly innocent.
"Nothing! Why does something have to be going on? I just made your coffee the way you like it. I didn't complain. I'm trying to compromise,"
Compromise…I was really worried at this point.
"Edward…"
He sighed and set down his mug of black coffee, staring into it petulantly.
"I wanna take you out today and it's a surprise…please?" he rushed all that out in one breath.
Rolling my eyes, I downed the rest of my coffee like it was shot of vodka, which I would have preferred at this point, before bee-lining for the closet in the bedroom. If I was going out with Edward today I was going to need to layer up more and I was going to need some comfortable shoes. He liked to walk way more than I did. I added a wife beater under my thermal and picked out a thick red sweater to wear under the wool coat Edward loved to see on me. Grabbing a thick pair of socks, I sat down in the middle of the walk-in closet and tied my old worn sneakers. Looking up, I saw Edward grinning at me from the doorway. I ran my eyes over his frame, taking in the jeans and green pull over sweater. He had his black boots on and his leather bomber jacket, a beanie clutched in his hands. I hated the surge of excitement that ran through me at the knowledge that I would get to see him wear it. I was too much of a blithering idiot about that thing. I plucked an ivory scarf off a hook on the door and glared at him.
"You look great."
"Thanks. You're not going to tell me where we're going are you?"
"Well…no. It's a…"
"Surprise. Right. You and your stupid ass surprises. It better be a good fucking surprise at six a.m."
Maybe it was a bit harsh but it was freakin' early as hell and I was tired and stressed, and just plain on edge about tomorrow. He didn't seem deterred by my snappy comment, however, and just grinned in that infuriating way that seemed to say 'you're so cute when you're pissed'.
I huffed the entire way out of the apartment and down to his car. Another thing about Edward, if he's going anywhere he has to drive. It had bugged me but at this point, I was glad I wouldn't have to operate anything this early in the morning. He opened the door for me and tucked me into the passenger seat, buckling my seatbelt and pushing the hair out of my face before kissing my forehead and shutting my door.
I shut my eyes for a moment and woke up later to see us on a road I wasn't familiar with.
"God, I don't remember falling asleep. Where are we?"
Edward chuckled and I saw him in the morning light. The sun had started to rise and his face was shaded in a pinkish, yellow light.
"We're on Sheridan right now, heading north. You've only been out about half an hour or so."
"Where're we going? You know what? Forget I asked, you won't tell me anyway."
Apparently, sleeping for another half an hour still didn't help me rid my shitty attitude; I was still being a bitch. I took a calming breath and tried to relax and just let go of all the tension and the irritation I was feeling. As I breathed in, I smelled the lingering scent of coffee. My grin caused Edward to smile again as he motioned down to the Styrofoam cup and I greedily grabbed it.
"I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts and got you one of those huge ass ones you like. How you fit all that liquid inside you, I'll never know."
"I can think of another big thing I fit inside me that you've never complained about."
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I cringed. My verbal filter was not awake yet. In an attempt to busy my rogue mouth I tipped the cup a little too much and burnt the hell out of my tongue. I choked and blanched, swallowing the scalding liquid quickly. The searing, raw sting in my mouth coupled with Edward's sputtering laugh as he banged on the steering wheel only made my morning tip into the shitty spectrum. I sat the coffee down a little more forcefully than necessary and crossed my arms, glaring out the passenger window.
Edward sobered up immediately at seeing my pissed off face and he tried to grab my leg but I shrugged him off. I did not need to be acting like this but I couldn't bring myself to change the absolute fury that was building inside me. Rationally, I knew my fear was manifesting itself in the form of anger but even that realization did nothing to keep my foul mood at bay. I was acting like a five year-old and I didn't care.
We drove a little further before the road began to curve and off to the left was a huge dome shaped…cathedral. I had no other word for the gigantic building. It was glaring white in the winter light and my mouth fell open at the sheer size of it. There were tall trees framing the ground work around the building. My eyes were trained on the building so attentively that I completely missed Edward pulling into a parking space and turning the car off. I noticed the parking lot was empty as I looked around.
Before I could ask Edward what the hell we were doing here so damn early in the morning, he was out of the car and jogging over to my side. When the door opened the frigid air blew into my face causing me to shiver. I stepped out and wrapped my scarf around my neck and tucked my chin into the cuff. Edward grinned at me like a little boy taking his girlfriend to his tree house for the first time. I half expected a frog to be shoved in my face at any second. He took my hand in his and I noticed how warm he was compared to me.
Cold hands to match my cold mood.
There were small clumps of snow against the curb and the grassy areas were smoothed over in a thick blanket of ice. The sun was bright now and I watched as it peeked around the side of the enormous building. Edward stopped us at the start of a long drive that lead to the doors of the church and paused to let me look around. I squinted into the light, a small smile breaking through my irritable mood and I felt slightly better when I reminded myself that it was just Edward and me, together.
He was literally vibrating with excitement and I had to wonder why. I opened my mouth to ask him what had him so excited about this place, but he yanked my hand and began dragging me down the pathway. I looked around quickly trying to take in my surroundings through the fast pace that Edward was setting for us. It seemed to be some kind of garden and the closer we got to the building, the bigger it appeared. It was enormous. My neck actually started to ache from looking up at this thing. When my shoulder muscles were shaking from looking up so long, I dropped my face back down and took in the white stairs leading up to the building. Edward's pace hadn't slowed until we reached the slick steps - he finally realized that I was with him and this was going to be tricky getting me up these stairs without busting my ass.
Slowly and with the utmost reverence, he placed his left hand on the small of my back and took my hold of my right hand in his before leading me up the steps. I kept a firm grip on him and the rail, looked straight ahead, and made it up in one piece. My eyes took in the details on the columns and the exterior panels. It was extremely intricate. I was enchanted with this place.
He opened the giant door for me and we went inside. I drew in a sharp breath when the dome ceiling came into view. Just like the outside the walls, the ceiling was carved and decorated with patterns. There was a single woman in the front row pew, her head bowed in prayer. I took in my surroundings reverently as Edward lead us to the side and sat us in a pew in the back corner. He leaned forward on his elbows and stared straight ahead at the altar and pulpit.
I understood the veneration he had for religion. While I had never applied myself to any particular faith, I had always believed in some kind of higher power. I understood the comfort of prayer. Prayer was a habit that I had formed many years ago in school. Having been in a private school in Phoenix until I moved to Forks, I had roughly seven years of religion under my belt. Did that make me religious? Not really. But I did take something away from all those years of mandatory chapel. I found that while my peers were around me silent as mice, I could set aside thirty minutes of my day to just be peaceful. I might not have been praying to a god, but I was taking that time for myself. With everything happening with my mother and Phil it was an escape to just feel at ease.
Perhaps there was false sense of security embedded in me from years of considering churches neutral territory. Churches were a place where bad things could not enter. Monsters were forbidden on the hallowed ground; crosses and holy water keeping them at bay. I would sit quietly and just bliss out on nothing. It was a place that allowed me time to hope. I would hope for a time that I could be myself and not have to worry. I would hope for a fairy tale ending, just like in the books I often lost myself in. I would hope for a life without fear.
To any outsider who saw me and Edward they would think I had gotten what I'd hoped for. However, I knew the truth. I had gotten what I had hoped for, but fate was threatening to take it away. I had a man who loved me despite my hang ups. I had a job and place to stay. I had the security of friends, if not family. I was loved and I loved with all my heart. Tomorrow that could all go away.
The air was cold and I breathed it into my lungs, appreciating the sharp sting of it against my throat. Cleansing and baptismal, the air in my chest cleared my mind like was I used to so many years ago. I curled my fingers over the sleeves of my coat and let my eyes slip shut. Without the sensory overload of sight, I became attuned to Edward's body heat radiating next to me. I could smell his aftershave and the Irish Spring he used this morning. I could hear the whistling of the wind outside. My face felt cold and my toes a little numb. I heard the rustle and rub of his jacket before I felt his hand close over mine. He leaned in and I felt his lips on my neck.
It didn't bother me like I thought it would; his affectionate display in the back of a silent church. I smiled slightly.
Whoever heard me, thank you.
It seemed lifetimes ago I had hoped for something like this.
Why we were here, what Edward's intention was, if he had known of my connection to these kinds of places, I didn't know. But I did know this was exactly what I needed.
I didn't want to act like this was the last day we would have, but what if it was? What if this was the last time I would hear his voice? What if this was the last time I would look into his eyes and see the life there?
Edward squeezed my hand, his lips ghosting over the shell of my ear.
"What are you thinking so hard about?" he whispered.
I just shook my head and took in a deep breath before standing and quietly walking back out the door. I wanted to look around, explore the beautiful Church but I had made my peace with the silence and I had gotten what I wanted. I saw no other reason to cast a shadow over the serenity of others seeking meaning in their life.
The cold, December air blasted my face as the door opened but I didn't cringe away. I met it full on and smiled a little. I knew he was right behind me, so I kept walking slowly. Instead of going back down the steps, I turned to my right and walked around the outside of the church.
"Why did you bring me here?"
He was beside me now and I took a peek at him. I had never seen Edward blush before and it was probably the cold that was tinting his cheeks, but it was cute none the less. He shoved a hand in his jacket pocket and reached the other one to adjust the brim on his beanie. I licked my lips at the tufts of hair poking out around his ears. Fucking hat.
"To be honest, I'm not really into church but this is just a really quiet place I like to come to. I used to come here every once in a while, before…well when I needed to clear my head and not think about things. I came here before I ever met Jasper actually. I thought you might like it. I wanted to show you something here specifically…"
"What?"
"Just keep walking, I'll stop us when we get there."
It was as cold as bizzaro hell out here and he wanted to just keep walking. I tried to feel bitchy about it but I couldn't. I had given up on being upset. I had precious time with my Edward and if was going to be my last day with him, I wasn't going to waste it by being a nasty bitch.
My eyes were starting to sting from the cold wind and I had to blink rapidly to keep the tears from clouding my vision. My breath was coming out in thick puffs of condensation. Edward tugged on my hand and we walked down a paved path heading towards some trees and a sculpture.
"This place is called the Baha'i House of Worship. I like the peace the auditorium offers this early in the morning. They open the doors at six and I know you hate waking up too early, but I wanted you to see it without all the people milling around. The gardens go all the way around the building and all of its really nice but there's this one tree I like to go to…"
His voice trailed off and I looked up from the slippery walkway and saw a beautiful olive tree. The snarled trunk twisted and turned, its vine-like bark casting shadows in elegant furls. I tilted my head and looked at it, wanting to get closer but not walk on the grass. If there'd not been snow blanketing the ground I would have, but my footprints would be a tell tale sign someone had had no respect.
"It's beautiful. Why this one?"
"I don't know. I mean, I guess they might all look the same to some people but this one just…I just like it the best."
I nodded and we stood, our hands tightly clasped as we looked at the tree.
I could try and say that I had been a bundle of joy all week and this morning was the first time I had snapped at anyone, but I would be lying. My emotions had been all over the map and I was finally feeling centered because I knew, whoever or whatever had caused Edward and I to meet, wouldn't let tomorrow be our last chapter. Tomorrow wouldn't be the end, it couldn't be. And if it was the end, I would find a way to follow him. There was no story without Edward, of this I was certain. I wanted to be the ultimate pessimist and try to flip to the last page, just to know the ending in case I died before I finished, but that wasn't how this worked. Each day the words flowed and each movement was a scratch on paper. The lines and characters were finely written right now and barely recognizable, but they were there and all I had to do was press down harder.
After what could have been five minutes or thirty, Edward tugged my hand again and we walked back to the Volvo.
"Your face is all pink, let's get you warmed up."
The heat inside the interior of the Volvo blasted out and stung my cold face, but it was welcomed and I leaned forward to place my face right in front of the vent. My coffee was still a little warm and I gulped it down quickly.
"You ready?"
He looked still looked excited and I assume since my mood was turning up, he took it as a good sign.
"Yep."
He backed out and within a few minutes, we were back on Sheridan heading back the way we came. When we passed Harbor Drive, I saw the sign for Wilmette Harbor and thought back to when I had ended up at Diversey Harbor. My mind lazily flipped through all the memories I had made since the first day I entered The Ring. I recalled Edward's face as he lay in his bed that first morning we met; the stitches swelling in his eyebrow. I remembered his face as he slept after we made love. The way his face was so pale and expressionless in the hospital. How his lips curled when he was waking up on a Saturday morning.
Edward veered onto Ridge Ave and I didn't have it in me to question our next destination. I just sat back and let him do what he wanted to do. I would always follow him anyway, it didn't matter if I wanted to go or not, I would go anywhere he was. The drive was silent and not exactly uncomfortable. Tomorrow was definitely looming over us. I became even more withdrawn when we pulled up to our endpoint.
Rosehill Cemetery.
I had a pretty good idea why we were here. The Volvo crawled at an idle pace as if it knew where it was going without being steered. We eventually made it to what I could only assume was the very back corner of the property. Off in the distance was a long pond and I could see the various headstones with fake bouquets of flowers sitting at their bases. They seemed to out of place amongst the snow; too cheerful and bright for such a gloomy place.
I glanced over at Edward and saw how his fingers were wrapped around the steering wheel. It was obvious that he was struggling and I wanted to reach out, let him know I was here, but this was something he had to do on his own. He had to make that first step out of the car. With what I could only assume was a fortifying breath, he yanked the door handle quickly and propelled himself out of the door. I waited to see if he wanted me to come with him, slightly surprised when he opened the passenger door. I got out slowly and wondered briefly if I had what it took to be here with him. Did I have the strength to fight Edward's demons with him? Would I be strong enough to help him overcome them? Could someone with enough baggage to fill a commercial airplane help another person?
I didn't really know but I had no other option, I had to try.
We walked through the strong wind; I followed Edward a pace behind his cautious steps. We came to stop before a large white headstone. I felt a chill run up my spine as I read the name.
Edward A. Masen
January23, 1958 – June 24, 1994
Beloved Father, Beloved Husband
May He Rest In Peace
Edward A. Masen. The fact that I might very soon be looking at another block of rock with the same name on it made me sick. My hand came up to my stomach as Edward knelt down and traced his fingers over the deep gouges in the stone. The words had been lacquered in black and stood out against the ashy white complexion of the swirling marble. The ground crunched under his knees and boots. I could see the wet mud seeping up and staining the white of the snow. He let his hand drop down and pressed it flat against the ground, his chin came down to touch his chest. My heart ached for him and I was battling with my fear. I wanted to go to him, wrap him in my arms, and beg him not to fight tomorrow. At this point, Maria's stunt with the golf club looked juvenile compared to what I wanted to do to keep him with me.
I held stock still and tried to give him a moment of privacy without actually leaving. I glanced over the scene and looked toward the pond that was not frozen over. My mind began to wander from inane thoughts of whether the pond was heated or not to about what I would make us for dinner. My fingers idly rotated the ring on my finger and I when it came flush with my palm, I ran my thumb over the face of the stones, feeling its tangible presence. I thought about his words that morning and how perfect the whole thing was. I had grown so attached to the ring it was comical and I was just now realizing it. Realizing how he had managed to make everything so fucking perfect and fairytale like, how he had given me the best memories in my life, and how he was asking me to gamble it all tomorrow.
My eyes flickered back to Edward's form when he moved. My body twitched to reach out to him but I stayed still. He wiped a hand down his face and stood abruptly; taking two steps back from the marker and grabbed my hand, squeezing tightly. I squeezed back and he turned around, walking us back to the Volvo.
It didn't escape me that he never looked back.
**
We stopped at a small diner and got breakfast. Neither one of us attempted to make conversation. I let Edward think about what had happened this morning and left myself to reflect on tomorrow. I had consumed my body-weight in coffee today and felt bloated, yet I held onto the cup in my hands like it would be my last. After we were done eating and basically loitering at our booth, I stood up, much to Edward's confusion, and went to the register to pay our bill. He followed and grunted in annoyance when I paid.
"What are you doing?"
"I want to go somewhere."
"But…"
"You got two. Give me one and you can have the rest of the day."
He nodded and we set off again. I gave Edward turn by turn directions, not bothering to tell him where the destination was until we arrived.
Ten minutes later and we were at Diversey Harbor. Edward parallel parked and I got out of the car without his assistance. He took my hand on the sidewalk and I led him to the same bench I sat on after I ran from the apartment. I didn't know if Edward had put the pieces together but he wasn't talking, so I pushed him down and sat in his lap. He looked amused by my antics and wrapped his arms around me. I felt slippery against his leather jacket and wiggled around to make sure I wasn't going to slip right off his lap anytime soon. He chuckled and leaned his chin against my shoulder. My fingers were frozen as I tugged at the hair that peeked out around his ears, beneath his beanie.
We sat there, me swinging my legs, Edward looking out over the water and just existed together.
"I'm sorry for being such a bitch this morning."
"You're stressed. I get it."
"It's not okay for me to be like that though. I'm sorry and I'm going try to not let it happen again."
He chuckled and kissed my temple, his tongue peeking out to lick my ear. I leaned against him and sighed.
"I came here…after everything the happened with you and Jasper. I sat here and I remember thinking, 'I can't ever go back there. I can't ever face it.' I didn't know then, and I guess I kinda worked the whole thing up in my head to the point where I thought if you knew about my past, it would mean a definite end. I feel ashamed now to think I lacked faith in you and in us. I should have told you much sooner and avoided the whole thing but I didn't trust us, and I didn't fully believe that you wouldn't hate me after I told you about my past. When…when you told me you loved me, I knew that you did. I mean, I knew you loved me but you just couldn't say it. I guess what this all boils down to is that the last time I came here, I thought things were over. I thought I had lost you before I ever really had you. I actually felt the shittiest I had ever felt in my entire life right here on this bench. Nothing in my past had ever made me feel as sad and hurt as I did when I was right here.
"Jasper came…and I wasn't surprised to see him really. It just seemed like the right thing to happen at that moment I guess. He was either there to make me feel worse than I already did, or he was there to help me realize what I needed to do. He told me that you loved me and that he was sorry and that I had to come back because I shouldn't let someone like him ruin things for us. But it wasn't him; it was me. The entire time I never had the faith in us that I should have. It shouldn't have mattered what he said, I should have stayed but I didn't trust us and I didn't trust you or myself."
I turned in his lap and saw his pained expression. My frigid hands came up and rested on his neck. He hissed but leaned into my touch.
"I trust you."
He looked into my eyes. He looked hard, searching for some sign of deeper meaning.
"I trust you to come back to me. I trust you to always be here for me. I trust you to be strong and to love me forever. I trust you with all my secrets and who I am. I trust you. I trust us. I trust us to make it through anything that is thrown at us. And I trust us to make a future together beyond tomorrow."
I couldn't stop the tears from escaping or the harsh wracking breaths that were escaping my lungs. I had so much more I wanted to say, but I couldn't speak through my sobs. Edward's hand came up to my neck swiftly and he brought my face to his neck as he slowly rocked us. I cried and clutched at him, willing my words and beliefs into reality. It was starting to snow and I didn't want to leave, but I had no feeling in my toes and we had to go.
Edward kept me folded into his side as we walked back to the car. Before he opened my door, he leaned me against the car and braced his hands around me on the hood. I was fascinated with his Adam's apple and how it was just above the collar of his sweat shirt and when he swallowed it would push the fabric just a little. His breath puffed out between us and I realized I had stopped breathing. The air in my lungs released in a whoosh that fogged in his face.
"Bella, I…tomorrow is just a page. It's just the ending of a chapter. It's not the last one. I swear to you, I'll be okay and we'll be fine. I will never, never leave you."
I managed to nod before he hugged me again. He tucked me into my seat and kissed me again just like he had when we left the apartment this morning. I fiddled with my ring and looked straight ahead as we pulled away from the curb.
I didn't look back either.
**
The rest of the day was spent doing lighter things. We did the Navy Pier, for about fifteen minutes then decided it was too cold and left. We went to Union Station and sat around on the benches just looking at each other and watching people hurry about. We drove to the Sears Tower but just made out in the car instead of going inside. Then there was Buckingham Fountain, Shedd Aquarium, and finally the Magnificent Mile. Edward indulged himself in buying me random things I didn't need. He was 'practicing being rich' on me. The Volvo was packed with a random assortment of things ranging from books to movies, shoes to coats, lingerie and weird stuff like salt and pepper shakers in the shape of little fat Italian men, "back massagers", and a waffle iron. I was pretty excited about the waffle iron.
I laughed and didn't know what else to do but just go along with him. He was enjoying himself in the racks of clothing as he arbitrarily pulled things out and held them up to me, gauging them with a critical eye before stuffing them back. I had managed to get five minutes alone in Macy's where I bought my secret weapon for tonight. It was simple, cheap, and hopefully just what I needed to care for Edward and seduce him at the same time.
By the time we got back to the apartment it was nearing six o' clock; we'd been out all day.
After we cleared out the Volvo and made it upstairs in one piece, Edward cranked the heater up and I fixed us a small had a very non-sexual shower together and then settled in to watch TV for a little while before we both became antsy on the couch. I clicked off the television and grabbed his hand, leading him into the bedroom. He looked exhausted and I felt for him. I knew that he was going to crash and a little part of me died knowing we wouldn't be having sex.
He didn't put up a fight when I stripped him down to his boxers and laid him on the bed, although he did look at me with a mix of confusion and amusement. I just shrugged and went into the bathroom to get my earlier purchase and a towel. It only took me a total of thirty seconds but when I came out he was on his stomach, his eyes were closed, and his mouth was parted. I smiled at his relaxed face and almost hated to wake him up.
I tried to get onto the bed without waking him up but his eyes snapped open the second the mattress dipped. I pressed his shoulder down and he complied, lying prone and waiting. I unscrewed the cap to the massage oil and poured a healthy amount into my palm. It smelled like mint and eucalyptus. I started at his shoulders and rubbed the oil into his skin, taking my time to knead his muscles carefully and fully before moving onto another area. His soft moans let me know that I was doing something right. The tension eased out him squeeze after squeeze, and soon enough he was fully relaxed and I had worked my way to his calves. His toes twitched when I picked up his left foot and began to massage his arch and heel. Once both his feet were done, I crawled back up to sit beside his left shoulder and rubbed his neck again.
"God, you're too good at this."
I smirked and continued to knead his neck gently.
"My hands are probably the strongest thing on my body."
He made a noise between a chuckle, a moan, and a snort. I squeezed down on the spot connecting his neck and shoulder causing him to yelp.
"What was that?"
"Nothing! Your hands are strong!"
I snickered and he rolled over, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulled me down. I sighed when his face pressed into my stomach. I scratched his scalp and we laid there just breathing together and thinking. Edward's hands ran a lazy circuit from my hip to my knee and at each pass he would add more pressure.
I lifted my hips and he pulled my tank top up and over my head. I watched him passively when he pulled my pajama bottoms down along with my panties. Slowly, he got up on his knees and pulled off his shirt and shed his flannel bottoms and boxers. My skin was literally tingling with anticipation but I knew I was walking a fine line. Jasper had made it extremely clear that there was to be no sexual activities going on at least a week before the fight. He had drilled that into us day after day. I knew Edward wasn't going to listen to him. I knew it, but I also knew that I had no control or willpower to stop him. I wanted it too.
"We shouldn't do this,"
He settled down between my legs and kissed my shoulder. I felt the weight of his shaft laying right beside my pussy. He was warm and hard and just right fucking there.
"Do you not want to?" he mumbled into my collarbone.
"No, I do. You know I do but Jasper said that this…wasn't good for you before the fight."
"There's no proof that having sex before a fight will have negative effects on a contender."
He sounded so convincing when he said it. Like the words came right off the side of a cigarette box and he was the goddamn Surgeon General.
His hips began to move, my eyes rolled back into my head and his mouth found my pulse point. He was going to get his way no matter what and fighting him was just prolonging the inevitable. My thighs clenched around his waist and he moaned, pressing against me harder and slipping between my folds. My legs started to shake as he slid his arms beneath me, holding me close to his chest and resting his chin on my head. I felt completely wrapped up in him as he began to thrust in earnest. Sharp stabs of arousal fluttered around in my stomach and my clit was throbbing with each connection of our pubic bones. He was pumping into me with purpose, not quickly but not gently. I gripped onto his back, my fingers slipping on the remnants of oil on his skin. My face was pressed against his sternum as we rocked together. I had little leeway but I still managed to meet his thrusts. His arms were bent at the elbow and his chin rested on the top of my head. He surrounded me; I felt like I was in a cocoon of Edward. The muggy head generated by our bodies made my face and chest start to sweat. The scent of the massage oil was heady and thick around us as we came undone.
Faster and faster, his pace began to pick up until his hips were slamming into the cradle of my thighs. I arched and writhed, pulling his shoulders closer to me until he dipped his head down and pressed his lips against mine.
I slid my fingers into his hair and moved his head to the side, plunging my tongue deeper into his mouth and scratching with my nails. He moaned and slid a hand between us to stroke my clit. With each pass of his finger, I came closer and closer to the edge. It was odd for us to be making love and Edward not to be talking to me. He was always encouraging my orgasm and I suddenly felt the lack of his voice in the moment.
"Edward…I'm…Oh God…please…"
"I love you. Fuck, I love you so much."
His body drilled into mine and his fingers began to jerk against my clit in uneven movements. He was losing control along with me. In the corner of my mind, I wondered if it was possible for two people to be so connected in one moment for them achieve their orgasms at the same time. I wondered if Edward and I were like that and I wondered if I could hold off on coming until he did. I didn't have to ponder the thought too long. With a rough stroke of his finger, I was seizing around him at the same moment I felt him release inside me. The warmth spread and pressed into me as I silently cried out. My chest heaved against his and I pressed my forehead to his shoulder as he groaned and panted beside my ear. Our bodies bowed around one another, accommodating and conforming to each movement and body part.
Edward's fingers threaded into the hair at the nape of my neck as he rolled us over and pulled my body over his. I felt him slip out of me and tensed at the loss of him. My legs straddled his waist as I lay sprawled across his chest, twisted and wrapped in the bed sheets. The air was cold and our skin slick with heat. I felt my skin pucker when his fingers traced my spine and the heat of his breath against my hair.
I lifted my head up to rest my chin against his shoulder and lost my words when I saw the look of desperation in his eyes. He seemed so lost, yet resigned at the same time. While I wanted to reassure him that everything was going to be okay, I never wanted to lie to him like that. I didn't know if it was going to be okay. I didn't know what was going to happen tomorrow. All I did know what that right now we were together. We were two people working as one unit and he completed me in the most clichéd way possible.
Our future was hanging on a knife's edge and King was fiddling with the handle. I squeezed my eyes shut and laid my head down, pressing my ear against his chest and listening to the steady beat of his heart. Rather than imagine a death march, I tried to think of the strength in each thump. He was strong, he was prepared, he was ready for the worst.
But was I?
It didn't matter what happened tomorrow. I would be Edward's no matter what. Like the first night I spent in his apartment, which seemed to be years ago rather than months, Edward had said that I owned him. I had balked at the thought of owning anyone. The idea of physically belonging to another person was unappealing to me. Now, I understood the feeling; the complete sanctuary of belonging to another person. The feeling of trusting someone so thoroughly as though you couldn't imagine being without them.
Edward was my church and prayer now and nothing could go wrong when I was with him.
I just hoped that my faith was not misplaced.
Are you ready to rumble?
Leave Me Some Love...