Ayuna

I was looking at my body in the mirror.

I was supposed to be getting ready-that is to say, having a quick shower, outfit change and something to eat and then going to meet the others down in the lobby so that we could meet up and begin the process of drafting our statements but I'd only managed the shower so far. I'd started to get dressed but then I'd stopped, and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. Every inch of myself. I wondered, if there was a camera here, what would the person on the other side of it be thinking? Would they desire this body, as it was? Or would they be revolted by it? Or maybe, just maybe, they didn't care at all.

I wondered if he had cared at all, about our bodies. If he'd looked at them and felt things or if he had just smiled at the thought of other people getting something out of the look of us, of our smooth young skins and shapes.

"Seiko, I can't do it. I…can't go into the bathroom like this. Do you think there are people on the other end? Looking for the moment we strip off and get in there?"

"They must be," Seiko said. "I'm sure they must be, otherwise there wouldn't have been such immediate blowback when the Kishinami twins tried to cover theirs. For example."

*Yeah, you're right, I'm being stupid."

I flopped back onto the bed, looking up at the ceiling. There were cameras there too and I held up my hand, pointing my middle finger at them.

"That's what I think of you and your perversion, whoever the fuck you are!"

I let my arm fall back to my side and turned slightly so I could still see Seiko, where she was sitting at the edge of the bed. She watched me quietly.

"Even if how I looked on the outside reflected what I felt on the inside," she said after a moment. "assuming that such a thing was possible in my case, I still wouldn't want them to see it. This body is mine, after all. Whatever it looks like, I want to be able to choose who to show it to, and how much, and when."

"I don't even know what's on the inside," I gritted out. "I mean, I know we were talking before and thinking of some things but…well, whatever it is. I just…it's not like it's worse for me or anything, it's equally creepy no matter gender, right? Perversion is perversion but…if they're like, jerking off over us, it's a lie, isn't it? They're doing it based on a lie."

"Perhaps it's better that way?"

"Better?"

I sat up at this, and Seiko smiled sadly.

"I mean, whatever you decide about who you are, it's none of their business really, is it? Let them believe what they want to believe and think what they want to think about what they see. I know who I am inside-"

She briefly put a hand over her heart.

"And though you might not know who you are yet, you are still you. They can't take that away."

She reached out to put a hand over my heart very briefly, then put her hand down and gave a rueful smile.

"With that being said, I'll admit that's not helpful practically. Even thinking about that, my skin still crawls. Maybe you should try a towel or something, like some of the other girls are doing. Or maybe, if you choose some clothes you don't mind not wearing during the day, you could wear those. I guess like a bathing suit?"

"Or, I guess I could use an actual bathing suit…"

Seiko had been so wise, sometimes. She'd always been so composed, even though I knew it was straining her. We had talked so much, after all. I'd tried to keep her company on as many of those sleepless nights as possible while we'd dreamed of the sky. I'd stood by her so she wasn't alone when I realised she'd snuck away to cry after Rin's death, because nobody deserved to cry alone. If I'd noticed her do that with Kiran's or if she hadn't given me the slip with Akari's and Yuri's I would have done the same then. She had confided in me about the script, even though she was deathly afraid that I would have seen it the way that bastard seemed to have wanted her to see it.

Yet her killing Yuri? The fact she had snapped and killed at all? I hadn't wanted to believe it, not until the very end.

I looked down in surprise as my hand was grabbed, and then looked up at Seiko. Her eyes seemed stormy as she looked ahead and then she turned to me quite suddenly and smiled.

"I'm glad that we're friends, Osamu."

"I…yeah, me too."

Seiko smiled and nodded, and gave my hand a hard squeeze. As we continued on our way to the trial room she held onto it. Then we stepped through to that familiar and horrible sight, and she let go to take her place at her stand. Her shoulders hunched, her feet dragged ever so slightly and I thought that for a moment her hands trembled as they rested against the stand. But then she stood straight again, looking right ahead as everyone took their places. I did the same, leaning against the stand, but carefully this time so as to not topple it over as I had the last time.

I resolved to myself that after this case was over and we'd endured the next horrible execution for yet another friend, that Seiko and I would talk. I'd camp out in her room, we could play card games or something. Talk about the stars again, to make sure we didn't forget what it looked like.

Yes, that's what we would do.

It made me sick to think that I would be opening Seiko up for that kind of scrutiny. Thinking of that, and replaying the videos I'd watched –no matter that they were so innocuous compared to what wasn't there-I suddenly understood the feelings of the others. That desire to keep the past in the past, well away from the life I had now as if all of that past had actually belonged to someone else. After all, for me, in some ways it was as if it had belonged to someone else. This body, that now looked like what I felt on the inside, that allowed me to walk around in the world as that person. I wanted to take this body away from all of this. I wanted to go to my wardrobe back home and pick out something from there, something a little fancier, that I would put on to celebrate this shape of mine. I wanted to see Ryoko, not just at the other end of a video call but in person. I wanted her to hold me and love me, for us to waste this afternoon in bed and then perhaps go out somewhere nice to eat. I just wanted to be the woman I'd worked so hard to be, not the violated young person who'd lost so very much.

Yet, I couldn't do that. I would not do that. For all I wanted to go back to the present I knew that I wouldn't truly be able to, not with all of this hanging over me. None of us could do that. It was the only way we could hope to get justice and truly put all of this behind us.

I just hoped that Seiko would forgive me for it.

I sighed and finally tore myself away from the bathroom mirror, wrapping the towel around myself properly and going to find a new set of clothes. I put them on, and then as I was drying and tidying my hair I heard my phone buzz.

Takaaki Jinsai: I'm here.

Ayuna Aozaki: You're an hour early, why?

Takaaki Jinsai: Time is meaningless

Ayuna Aozaki: …

Ayuna Aozaki: Well, I don't know how else to explain 'fifteen minutes' in terms that aren't time related but give me fifteen minutes and I'll be down.

Takaaki Jinsai: Sure.

I finished with my hair, and then hesitated. I wondered if I should take the script down with me but then decided against it. Instead I just made sure I had my phone and room keys and a little bit of money and left.

When I got to the hotel lobby Takaaki was pretty easy to spot. His hair looked even messier than usual and I was pretty sure he was wearing the same clothes as before. But, somewhat mercifully, he was sitting normally, looking at something or other on his phone. He heard me coming though, and looked up even before I could greet him.

"Yo." He said simply.

"Hello." I said. "Why are you early?"

"Why not?" Takaaki shrugged. "Just…why not?"

I sat on a chair beside him and, not sure what to ask I said:

"What are you playing?"

"Fruit Ninja."

"What? That game still exists?"

Takaaki's mouth twitched, and rather than actually answer he just showed his phone so that I could see for myself that the game did indeed still exist. I thought of carefree afternoons just after lessons had ended for the day, hanging out with classmates and playing games on our phones. Rin had been the type of person to try and distract people to ruin their scores, while Kiran would try and help everyone and end up neglecting his own game. Yuki had swept the floor with us all in any game we tried, even the ones that seemed too cerebral or focused for someone like him. Takaaki was…well, just Takaaki.

"Wait a moment," I said as he started to play again. "I'll download it too. After all, we do still have an hour."

Takaaki didn't look up, but his fingers stalled and once again his mouth twitched, this time curving up and remaining in something that resembled a smile. Even though he wouldn't see it, I couldn't help but smile back, and I kept smiling once the game was downloaded and I was playing it.

…

Ritsuka

If there was one thing that I had learnt so far today, it was that Otsuka was the driver from hell.

Nearly running red lights, swerving, getting as close as possible to the speed limit without exceeding it(indeed, perhaps she had exceeded it), apparently her only aim was to get us to cover as much distance as possible. She had apparently forgotten her earlier declaration of 'I'm not doing all the driving' and had refused offers for taking over from all three of our other drivers. Which was surprising, especially where Mitsuhide was concerned. But in any case, more than once she had turned a corner so sharply that I had wondered if I should fear for my life. I mean, she did seem to know what she was doing-every time we skidded too close to danger she managed to get out of it, and then there'd be a stretch of normalcy before she went crazy again.

Now, I wasn't an expert, but this did not seem like the best approach.

"There's a gas station coming up," Akio said. "Do you think we could stop there?"

"We should probably also look for a motel for tonight too, yes?" Akagi added.

Otsuka didn't immediately respond, instead suddenly choosing to overtake a car ahead of us. The tyres seemed to screech on the road as we suddenly swerved around this car. Once again, my phone almost fell out of my hand and I scrambled to hold onto the seat in front of me.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

Rieka and Mitsuhide's protest was almost as startling as what had caused it. I let out a sigh as we finally returned to what seemed like a normal speed.

"You know," I said. "If you keep going like this we'll get pulled over for breaking at least five traffic laws."

"Okay, fine, we'll stop soon, alright?" Otsuka groused.

"And afterwards, somebody else is going to do the driving." Rieka said.

Otsuka grumbled somewhat incoherently, but she thankfully didn't argue. I decided to tuck my phone in my pocket and stared out of the window, while Akio, Akemi and Akagi all chatted quietly. I wasn't really interested in paying attention and they were all talking quietly enough that I would have had to strain to hear anything anyway, but they sounded content enough. At one point, something one of the boys said made Akemi giggle. Not a perfect, obligatory little giggle but a proper attack of them, which soon set off the other two boys. That, in turn had Mitsuhide trying to get in on the joke-and that I tuned out.

Then I saw the car.

I wasn't sure what about it made me look at it, but once I had noticed it, I couldn't help but look at it. It was a black car, and I didn't know nearly enough about cars to know the make of it but there was something smooth about it. Expensive, even. It was also black, with tinted windows the way celebrities and other important people had. It was in a different lane to us, going a little faster than us, though only because that lane had less traffic. Still, there was something about it that made me keep watching it, straining to keep the car in my line of vision. We had, after all, been followed before, and we were going to a place that, by all accounts, was isolated.

Perhaps this really was a crap idea-

My thought was abruptly interrupted by Otsuka swerving yet again. I actually ended up dropping my phone this time, and I scrambled to get it as the others-predominantly Rieka and Mitsuhide-shrieked. When I had my phone, I looked out of the window again, trying to peer behind. There were a lot of cars and even a couple of other minivans behind us, at varying distances. The black car that had caught my eye was nowhere to be seen at first and I assumed it had gone ahead but then I saw it come up, almost in line with our van. I sucked in a breath, unable to tear my eyes from the window for a few torturous seconds before the car suddenly zipped ahead. Still, I wasn't quite able to relax. I was convinced there was something strange about it.

"Okay, we're really going to stop at the gas station now," Rieka huffed. "I don't give a shit if you don't like that."

"Fiiiiiine."

…

Thankfully, Otsuka did indeed stop at the next gas station. After we'd all used the bathroom, I went with Akemi and Akagi to buy a few more things to eat. I also thought it might be useful to get a few more essential items in general. Mostly first aid, because while I certainly did not trust Otsuka's driving I hardly thought that Mitsuhide would be much better. Akemi, I was sure, would be fine.

I looked at her as we shopped. Akagi held the basket for us, and she was directing him around the shop as she found things and put them in the basket, leaning into him and keeping her voice lowered. She kept looking around her nervously at first, especially when someone looked at her. I didn't blame her, after all, I was sure that it was reasonable to assume that at least one person was a fan who would go utterly batshit if they saw Akemi Koizumi with a new hairstyle shopping at a gas station convenience store. It was also reasonable to assume that this would put even more of a spanner in the works than Otsuka crashing or getting pulled over would.

Yet, as we wound our way around the convenience store, nobody gave her a second glance. Even when Akemi accidentally bumped into a pack of what looked like middle schoolers and apologised hurriedly, bowing, they barely seemed to care. They just rolled their eyes and pushed past us before one of them exclaimed at something on a shelf and they all started twittering again. They did shove Akagi as they did so, though, and he stumbled. While he managed to stay on his feet he flailed slightly, and I saw panic flare in his eyes.

"Hold on," I said brusquely. "Grab to the left of you."

His hand shot out and he grabbed the empty section of shelf, then straightened himself out. After a couple of breaths, he

"Oh, Benbow-kun, are you alright?" Akemi exclaimed. "Should I hold the basket?"

"No, it's alright," he said. "I just got knocked off balance."

"Those middle schoolers are thoughtless." I remarked.

Thankfully, none of said middle schoolers heard us, and after Akemi fussed over Akagi a little more we were finally able to head to the till. Surprised that nobody seemed to be even taking a second look at Akemi, I made a point of taking a closer look at her, and realised that it wasn't just the hair that made her look completely different, but everything about her. Even the way she was speaking was different. I mean, to me it still sounded like her voice but it was quieter, and while she was putting effort into that she did not sound as polished as she had in our previous conversations. I wondered if this was an act too. After all, if she could do literally everything that would probably include acting too, surely?

Whether she was acting or not, it was ridiculous how nobody recognised her. Akemi started to relax as the queue shortened, standing up a little straighter with more of her usual poise and happily chatted with the cashier when she got there. Indeed, she was so friendly that I got bored and went off to the side to wait, while Akagi stayed, an adoring expression on his face. Indeed, when Akemi eventually remembered herself and apologised to the cashier for taking up time and to Akagi for making him wait, he went red. She didn't seem to notice this, instead gently leading him away and back to me.

"Sorry about that, Nishimiya-san," she apologised. "Really, I am."

She gave me a pleading look, too perfectly pleading. It was all very well acting to avoid being pestered all the time, but I did not particularly want to have acting directed at me. In some ways, it was almost as annoying as Otsuka being…well, annoying. So, I just shrugged:

"Whatever."

Heading back out, I saw that the others were by the van, waiting. Otsuka and Rieka seemed to be squabbling and Akio was standing between them, trying to intervene but clearly having no luck while Mitsuhide somehow looked fancier than he had this morning. I rather suspected that he was in a different outfit completely, though it wasn't as if I'd know.

"Oh, you guys are back!" Akio exclaimed.

He looked far too relieved at the sight of us and came over to take the bag from Akagi.

"How was it," he asked. "In the shop? Did anyone recognise any of you? I mean, not just you, Koizumi-sempai, but the fact that you're all soon to be New Hope's Peak students and all."

"No, they didn't," Akemi said. "They really didn't."

She sighed happily, smiling serenely.

"Huh, huh, what didn't happen?"

Suddenly, Otsuka and Rieka's argument was halted as they turned to us, both of them eager to know. I sighed heavily and decided to explain:

"Nobody recognised her as well….her."

"What? But that's terrible," Mitsuhide said dramatically. "That's terrible, I'm sorry to hear that."

"No, don't be. It's great." Akemi reassured, sounding positively rapturous.

I was pleased to note that I wasn't the only one who seemed flummoxed by this, as both Akio and Mitsuhide frowned slightly. But where Akio seemed to shrug it off, Mitsuhide just looked more wounded, and was clearly about to say something stupid when Rieka went over and covered his mouth with her hand. After some squawking, scrambling and swearing (muffled on his part, all too loud on hers), Rieka finally let go and said.

"Don't be an idiot. We get the glory afterwards. A bunch of rabid fans following us now will only be a nuisance. Now come on! Your new fancy getup isn't getting you out of driving!"

…

The rest of the journey, I kept looking for that car. A few times, I thought I had seen it but I could not be sure. Sometimes it was more or less next to us, other times it sped ahead. I did not see it all the time, and it was not the only black, expensive seeming car that I spotted. Yet, there was something about it that had me looking for it all the time. Even when we finally got to the motel we were going to stay at for this first night, I looked for it as we pulled in. Looked for it as Mitsuhide took far too long to park, triggering yet another irritating three-way argument. Looked for it as we got out, took out our bags and made our through the carpark to the front desk. I didn't see it, and that surely had to be a good thing.

Yet, I couldn't shake off the feeling that it wasn't.

…

Friede

My son is missing.

I hadn't meant to pick up the phone when I'd seen that it was my younger brother who was calling. I was tired of him trying to get me to meet with Akagi, to try and talk with him on 'neutral ground', but then as soon as my phone had stopped he called again and there was something in me that just wanted it to stop. I'd seen recordings of myself in captivity, as if I was an animal at a zoo. And maybe that was what it was, because why would these things have been kept? And found amongst the belongings of paedophiles of all the things. Whatever this had all been about, we'd just been animals in a zoo. Taiki had no idea what that was like, none at all, and my patience was frayed.

But then he'd asked, Akagi didn't come to see you, did he? And suddenly my heart just plummeted. This was a question that made no sense, and yet it made perfect sense. Was this what it had felt like for our parents, the moment when they realised that no, this wasn't just a case of an absentminded teenager too caught up in her own adventures to remember her parents. That there was something wrong.

But it couldn't be. It just couldn't be.

"Why would he do that?"

"I…well. He wants to make up with you, I'm sure."

"No, he doesn't. He can't, anyway. You don't get to 'make up for' being a murderer."

"That's not…"

"I know it's not."

Admitting that took me aback as much as it presumably took Taiki aback. I cleared my throat and then asked:

"Why do you ask that, anyway?"

"Ah, well, he went out with a friend of his but he hasn't come home yet. I think he did say something about staying over with other friends, but he's not in contact as he usually is."

"If he said he's staying with friends, then what's the problem? He's probably too busy messing around with them to remember to be keeping you updated every hour."

"Yes, but…Akagi's not like that. He's more conscientious. He does not tend to stay with others overnight either. It's already unusual enough that the friend in question came to stay with us, though I was happy with it of course…"

I could hear it, the silent as you should know. Because I did know. Of course I'd always known that Akagi was careful and conscientious, so eager to please. Lucius was, too, of course. But he was a child still, I didn't expect that he would be diligent in the same way that someone elder would be. Of course, Akagi had been a child, still was. Even so.

"When did he leave?"

"This morning, quite early. He and Akio-kun both."

"Wait a minute. Akio-kun?"

"Ah, yes. He's one who stayed with us-also, he's the son of your friend."

"I'm aware of that. What does that have to do with me?"

"That's…sis, aren't you worried?"

"No," I said harshly. "No, I'm not worried. He's a teenage boy, an inconsiderate teenage boy and I bet his friend is exactly the same."

I am worried. I'm so, so worried. The angry front I was putting on, it was the logic I was trying to persuade myself with. It had been a day, from what I was understanding. Just a day.

"Remind me when they left?"

"This morning. Listen, perhaps you're right but I have a bad feeling."

I wonder what Taiki remembered from twenty years ago. When had my parents started worrying about me? When had they thought 'hold on, shouldn't she have replied or sent something by now?'. I couldn't remember if they'd been part of the initial raising of alarm or if they'd been persuaded to do so by other parents. All I remembered was afterwards.

"Oh, Friede, I am so sorry."

I looked at my mother and father, and then stared down at my hands. Mum was holding onto them tightly, but I didn't feel it. They looked like someone else's hands. Felt like someone else's hands.

"What for?"

"I'm sorry we didn't find you earlier. That we didn't start looking earlier. I'm so, so sorry. I'm just glad you're alive."

Abruptly, Mum let go of my hands and threw her arms around me. I stiffened, then tried to relax but she'd already obviously noticed because she let go and gave me another sad look.

"In that case, if you're just going to bother me with things like this, don't call me again. I have enough to deal with at the moment without you showing your sheer incompetence. It's not my problem that you never became a parent and that you don't know anything about young people these days. You chose to look after Akagi, so you suck it up."

I knew that I had hit the exact right-or perhaps the exact wrong-soft spots in Taiki's soul, but I did not and could not make myself care. I couldn't. My son was missing. I was sure of it. I didn't wait for any kind of response, instead hanging up. At first, I made to throw my phone across the room but then it vibrated in my hand and I drew it back closer to see that there were a number of messages. Opening them, I saw that they were all from the rest of the survivors, wondering where I was. I blinked, before remembering that we were supposed to be meeting to help draft our statement to the police. I wondered if it would even help-I was surprised that they had even let us go yesterday after asking us questions about that video. They'd kept Azami the longest, I knew, but from what I understood that had only been because it was her sister in the video, and because she'd kept needing to stop. I think they'd kept Eizo for quite a while.

What I wanted to know was, would they find anything of us? Of me and Mai and Takaaki? We would not have discussed our plans in the bedrooms, not where there were cameras but weren't there many moments where I had sat in my room, looking at the bottles of poison. Many when I'd picked up objects as weapons, weighing up when or where or how to use them? Had I not once stood at my bedroom door, holding a chair as if to charge at whoever it was who knocked, standing there for hours before my stomach rumbled and my arms ached too much to keep going?

"I was promised my survival," Lilian said bitterly. "I was promised that my sisters would be safe and that I would be able to return to them. I wouldn't be able to see any of you ever again, I'd have to stay with them forever and become more…how do you say it? Reclusive. Like the older ones, the ones who do not like the outside world so much and to never say a word."

"What did you actually do?" Sadie asked tearfully.

"You ask that like that matters, dear Sadie," Lilian scoffed. "It doesn't. But I suppose I was a fool to believe."

"That's…"

"Whatever. Go ahead, do your worst. I'm not going to accept this death without a fight."

She was right about that. Even in the moment, as it happened, my memory made a point of blurring the details of her death, to muffle her screams and cries. I focused only on the handles I was pushing and the buttons that I was pressing and not on the end result. Even when I felt something warm splashing my face I did not let my focus waver. I just focused on the handles, the buttons and one truth.

That if I could not control what would happen to my life even if I sacrificed the life of another, then I would have to control what to do with my death instead. But that, too, would have to come with a cost instead.

If I could not face that, then there would be no point whatsoever.

In the end we hadn't actually done it. Of course we hadn't done it, but we would have been better off, wouldn't we? I would not be here with this knowledge sitting heavy in my belly, the knowledge that one way or another I was going to lose a second son even though I had tried everything to prevent him from being my son, so that I wouldn't have to have lost him at all. Then again, the fact that we had thought it, planned it, almost done it perhaps that was enough. Perhaps this was the cost, the sacrifice, the punishment long overdue.

Sorry, I messaged back. I wasn't well and I slept a while. I'll be on my way soon.

If you're not well you don't need to come! Do you want me to make you something? I can run back home and get you something? Mai replied after a few seconds.

No, it's fine. I tapped out tersely. I'll be there soon.

I still didn't want to do this. I didn't see what the point of telling everything was. But perhaps that, too, was part of the punishment. Part of the cost of making the decisions I had made. Who was I to try and defy it any longer? I was so tired of pretending that everything was fine, that I could have ever had a normal life.

I just hoped that somebody would find a way of saving Akagi, so that he could live on unencumbered by me.

My son is missing. My son is missing, just as I once went missing. The thought made me tremble again but I kicked myself hard enough to leave a bruise. Then, I went around my hotel room to gather my things and I left as fast as I could, before I could change my mind.