Motherhood challenges

With House's team, I see so many challenges to my motherhood I never expected my motherhood to even be a thing. But House really likes to get under peoples skin.

a really sick kid came in. Things kept falling apart for him and House insisted that the kids dad was not his dad.

The everybody lies theory of House's was truly irritating. But this job had a way of constantly reminding me that closing the adoption from my son could prove fatal to him.

See, we found out the kid was adopted. His parents hadn't told him he was adopted. Then I started thinking about my kid. He'd be six now. I hope he loved his Family, and I hope they loved him back like these people loved Dan.

I walked into his room when we finally figured out his illness. Forman was there with me, as I checked on him. Dan opened his eyes and I could imagine my kid looking up at me from the sick bed. I smiled at him, "Hey, good morning."

"Good news on your EEG," Forman added. "treatment is working."

"And your immune system is responding." I added.

"I know it's early,". Forman said, "but let me take a look. Let's see what that brain of yours can do. Name as many animals as you can that start with the letter "O"."

"Ostrich, ox," Dan smirked, "old elephant."

I chuckled, "Well, that's 2 better than last time." I needed to know about his state of mind after finding out he was adopted. It's big news. Call it a perverse hope that my kid won't hate me for giving him up. "How you doing with the whole adoption thing?"

"I knew since 5th grade." He answered.

"How's that?" Forman asked.

"Cleft chin. I have one, my dad doesn't." He stated then looked at me. "I looked it up on the Internet; it's one of those trait things."

"That's right,". Forman agreed "it's autosomal dominant. Since neither of your parents have cleft chins, it's highly unlikely that you're biologically related."

I probed, "You sure you're ok?"

Dan seemed to understand and looked at me as if he knew me, my experience. "I've got no problems with being adopted. I love my parents."

Just as if he had manifested it, his parents entered the room.

"How's he doing?" His father asked

"He's doing pretty well." I answered, "He's a smart kid. I think he's gonna be fine."

"Thanks." His father said. His intelligence was definitely not something that he contributed to but the pride in his son was palpable. I hoped my son had parents who were just as proud of him.

I smiled and walked away from the room. It put a seed in my mind that I would find him, and just kind of watch him from afar. I needed to see he was in good hands.

It was this other time when House thought he had figured me out. He was wrong, but he was very close. He had found an epidemic in the nursery. Two babies had presented with similar symptoms. Nobody wanted to believe him, including me. Mainly because I just didn't want to deal with babies. I was running away from my own. By this time my little boy would have been almost seven years old. He wasn't a baby any longer, but he was still in my mind a newborn.

I had a job to speak to two young mothers. Fuck... their newborn baby... He was so sick and we were just guessing at what his diagnosis was.

I walked up to Kim and Judy, My patient's parents. I was an epidemiologist, and I had no answers for them. "We did a MRI on all the babies, and unfortunately, we didn't find anything, so we're starting him on the strongest antibiotics we've got, and we're hoping that that'll take care of it."

"But he's so tiny." Judy, the mother that had given birth to him said.

"How sick is he?" His other mother said, grasping her partner's hand.

I paused, I didn't know what to say. I took a deep breath and attempted an answer, "His fever's up to 103.5 and his blood pressures 80 over 40."

"Um, how bad is that?" Judy asked.

"Ah, it…" I froze, I couldn't kill their joy. I couldn't kill their hope. I didn't want to kill their son.

Foreman was standing behind me, he spoke up and stated. "It, it's low. The heart needs to circulate the blood. If it's weak, oxygen isn't getting to the liver, the kidneys, the brain."

"Um, I have to ask you something." Judy said to Foreman.

"Judy –"

"No, no, Kim. Let me." his mother was truly concerned about something, "Um, I had a cold last month, and I told the doctors about it, and –"

"Honey, this has nothing to do with you." Kim reassured her.

"Kim's right." I stated, this was my specialty after all. "Your son was born healthy. He caught the infection after his birth. There's no reason to think he got it from you."

"But you don't know, I mean – You don't know how he got sick." I said and looked at Foreman.

When we walked away from them, Foreman rounded on me. "Pretty standard question: how sick is my child? You couldn't answer it."

"I answered."

"You rattled off numbers! BP, O2 sats.… That's not what they need to know."

Can't he see my need to be distant from this?

"What they need to know is the future. Got a magic 8-ball?" I turned and began to work on charts. I didn't wanna hear anymore..

"No, just eight years of medical training. Look, I realize it's tough to break bad news to family –"

"Not as tough as hearing it." I interrupted him. I couldn't help but put myself in her shoes, but only for what I lived through with my little boy, but what happened to me and Jay as well. I couldn't watch someone lose the one they loved.

"And I guess being the poor guy dying is the toughest of all?" Foreman stated.

"No." I said, shaking my head. "It's easier to die than to watch someone die." When I walked away, leaving Foreman standing at the front clinic desk.

The health of the babies declined and soon that night I had to speak with these parents again.

"Your son's kidneys are failing." I started seriously looking at these women. Knowing that I was handing their little boy a death sentence. He was an experiment to House. "We're taking him off Vancomycin. It seems to be a germ called pseudomonas. We're hoping the Aztreonam will clear it up."

"So, so that'll cure him?" Judy asked.

I couldn't do it, I couldn't tell them that this was going to possibly kill their child. This could be the last time they would have with him. Because this treatment was so rigorous it could kill him. "We'll know in 24 hours if it's working." I said instead, Judy and Kim looked very happy. As I walked away from them; Wilson had been watching me from the reception desk.

"What did you tell them?"

I shrugged, "I told them the truth."

"They seemed relieved. You tell them how sick their son is?"

"I explained what was going on."

"Alison, their baby's dying." He said stopping our progress. "If the parents weren't in tears when you left, you didn't tell them the truth."

"That's not how I see it."

"Do you want them blindsided? Want them to come up and say, "My God, my baby died, why didn't you warn me?"

"So now it's about worrying about them yelling at us?"

"No, it's about getting them prepared for the likely death of their child."

"If their son dies tomorrow, do you think they'll give a damn about what I said to them today?" I asked because I know it damn sure wouldn't make a difference to me. " It's not going to matter; they're not going to care; it's not going to be the same ever again. Just give those poor women a few hours of hope."

I walked away from Wilson. Of course he knew what he was talking about, I was green around the gills and I was young. My only experience of death had been with Jay. And my biggest sense of loss was also with him and with my little boy.

around 6:30 my pager went off, and I felt a feeling of dread take over me. I ran to the nursery, Chase was there trying to revive him. He tried for 20 minutes but nothing worked. House was even there, the frown on his face deepened. He reached out to chase with his voice, "Chase." Chase stopped shocking him. "Time of death: 6:57 PM. The Aztreonam doesn't work. Double-cover all the other babies with Vancomycin."

Robert and I looked at each other. He nodded and said, " I'll do it."

"Cameron," House said, reaching out with his cane. "you tell the parents. Tell them their child probably saved five lives."

I couldn't. My heart was breaking. "But Chase should –" I complained.

"Chase is busy."

I just… "You're attending." I deflected again.

He ignored me and turned to Wilson. "Make sure she does her job."

So I walked to the waiting room toward Kim and Judy. I froze up, I couldn't break their hearts. So Wilson started to talk. All I know is that Judy and Kim began to sob, and as we left, I looked back at the two women. The rawness I felt for my kid, still four years later, scraping at me. But I didn't cry. I tried to imagine my parents. Did they feel that way for me? How could they abandon me at the side of the road when these two women could be devastated like that. When I could still be yearning like this.

My parents must be some sort of evil to be able to do that to me. I headed back to the NICU where the rest of the sick babies were. I watched the other sets of parents. Karen, one of the babies' mothers standing right at the window looking at her baby Maxine wanting to hold her.

I sighed and whispered to Chase. "Imagine not being able to touch your own baby." Then I looked at him and I turned toward the window and stuck my head out of the door. "Can I get your guys' help with something?"

"Sure." Max's dad said.

"Your daughter, her –"

"Maxine." He insisted

"That's her name." Karen said and I nodded because, of course I knew that.

"We need someone to hold Maxine off of the bed while the nurse changes her sheet." I invented.

Her father smiled brightly, "Sure." They entered the room in scrubs and isolation gowns. Masks on their faces as not to spread the virus going around. They got to hold their sick baby long enough to change her crib and it seemed to do all the difference in the world to that little girl.

The next night I was finishing up their case, because the treatment in conjunction with the touch of her parents, had healed that little girl. "They all gone?" House asked from the door of his office.

I nodded and began to pack up my things. "Hartigs are checking out right now." I stated.

"You look tired."

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks."

"It's no wonder. You've had a hard time the last couple of days."

"And you haven't?" I posed looking up at him.

"Not like you." House paused to consider me. I was getting tired of his over analyzing me. But I was picking up on how he can tell. I have always known when people lied, but now I am hypersensitive about it. "Anyone who's that awkward either has no experience around death or too much, and I'm pretty sure it's not the former." I started to put on my coat then as I walked out of his office. "Chase told me about that idea you had: the parents holding the baby. Where'd you get that? Did you lose someone? Did you lose a baby?"

I nearly flinched. I scowled instead. "You can be a real bastard." Then as I got closer to the balcony, I saw the Hartigs exiting the elevator downstairs. They all looked very happy, which makes me smile, because at least I know Maxine has a family that will care for her.