A/N: I hope everyone is enjoying the updated version of this story, and I hope this chapter finds you all in good health! Your reviews have been kind! I tried my hardest to keep within the scope of the "T" rating I gave this story, but this chapter may have tipped the scale towards "M" a bit. If you feel it more appropriate for me to change the rating to an "M", please let me know! Enjoy!
When Time Stands Still
Chapter 4
July 1, 1862
Fredericksburg, Virginia
"Damn it!" Lou shouted in frustration as she dropped the hammer into the dirt, bringing her thumb up to her mouth in an attempt to suppress the pain.
The summer heat was becoming intolerable, leaving sweat and dirt trickling down her face. She took off her hat, wiping her forehead with the back of her glove, cursing herself for starting this project when the summer sun was at its hottest.
The hard work made her feel alive, but some days the combination of heat and grime almost did her in. The days were long, sweaty, and demanding, yet all the hours of hard work were starting to come to fruition, and as unlikely as it seemed, this house was starting to feel more like home.
She took a step back, admiring her work, nodding in satisfaction when the trellis she had finished repairing was finally in place. The rose bushes she pruned after they arrived in early April were now in full bloom, their lovely pink color contrasting beautifully against the white house.
Lou took a deep breath and blew it out, stirring away the stray hairs in her eyes. She looked down at her sweat-stained clothing, shaking her head as she brushed off the loose bits of dirt. Wiping her hands on the back of her trousers, she reached for the pail of dirty water, pitching it in the nearby grass, when something caught her attention.
"Well, there you are! I was wonderin' when you were gonna come 'round today." She said, directing her greeting to a small black cat, who acknowledged her words by walking up and brushing her slacks with his body.
He was such a curious, scrawny little thing when she found him on the side of the road coming back from town one day. Lou took him home, started feeding him — even made him a comfortable sleeping area in the back of the barn with the condition, of course, he would catch those pesky field mice. Ever since then, he's been trailing at her feet, keeping her company as she went about her daily chores.
Lou affectionately named him Jesse.
She scratched his ears. When she stopped, he circled her legs, nudging her once more.
"Alright, go on 'round back, and I'll meet you there in a minute."
She smiled, shaking her head, watching the cat scurry away before she headed up the few porch steps and into the house. The screen door thudded, closing behind her.
Lou walked straight through to the back of the house, where it was cooler this time of day, stopping in the kitchen to break off a piece of yesterday's corn loaf. It was a little dry for her liking but as hungry as she was, it had hit the spot.
She poured some goat's milk into a small saucer, laying it on the back door stoop for Jesse, just as promised.
"Your dinner is served, sir," She said, kneeling to scratch the small white patch of fur above his nose.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going back into the house, where a luxurious bath awaits me."
She was in dire need of a soak in the tub, and the way her muscles ached coupled with exhaustion and fatigue, she didn't dare protest.
Lou went back into the house, walking over to the hearth to grab the pot of boiling water, carrying it into the small room off the kitchen where the tub resided.
Before coming to Virginia, a nice hot bubble bath was a luxury that rarely afforded her. Working amongst all the boys at the station, it always seemed like she was fighting tooth and nail for her slice of time, privacy, or hot, clean water. It pains her to admit it, but as much as she thoroughly enjoys this new daily late-afternoon soak, she would give anything to have those days back again.
She slipped out of her work trousers and blouse and began removing her hair tie, fingers working independently to comb through the braid that was still in her hair. Standing naked before a full-length mirror, she pivoted slightly to one side, examining her physique. Her hair, wavy from the braid, was nearing the middle of her back, and she stood, almost childlike, twisting it around her middle finger.
Her hands slowly wandered down to her breasts, lingering — feeling in fascination, intrigued by the intricacies of the little veins that had surfaced just below the skin.
Her breasts were fuller. Supple. Lou smiled, knowing there was no way she could even entertain the idea of passing for a man now.
The smile slowly faded. Her wide brown eyes were now holding a faraway gaze as she focused more intently on the woman staring back at her.
"Well, this is it. What do ya think?"
"I don't know, Kid, it looks like this place has seen better days."
"Yeah, I know it ain't much, but with a little work, we could fix her up, really make this place our own."
Kid looked around, then smiled.
"Look over here." He said, putting his hands on her shoulders, turning her so that she faced a swing hanging from a tree.
"Tell me what you see over there."
"I see a pile of wood. Dirt. A tree."
He held her close from behind, his arms securely around her waist, lips near her ear, "I see children," he whispered, "I hear laughter. I see a childhood spent outside in the summer heat, fresh air, and light. I see our future, Lou."
Lou opened her eyes, shaking her head to clear the fog. She ran her hands over her face, rubbing away any tear threatening to fall.
She missed Kid with a force that even surprised her, hoping with each passing day she wouldn't forget what he looked like, how he smelled — the soothing tone of his voice.
His words were always like a balm, much like warm honey. Kid always felt so stable, so real, so much of what she wanted. But with him off fighting in a war, his whereabouts unknown, it was a stark reminder of how much love can sometimes hurt.
Lou turned her attention to the bath, dipping one toe into the tub, checking the temperature before submerging her body into the bubbly water.
She inhaled, blowing the air out slowly as she rested her head on the back of the tub, feeling the instant relief as her tight muscles began to relax.
Moments like this felt like pure heaven. It was her solitude — a time that when she closed her eyes, she could feel the warmth of his arms around her.
"Hurry up, Kid! We're gonna catch our death in this rain!" Lou said, shivering in the cold, dark shadows of the doorway. Kid, sifting through the contents of his saddlebag, finally presented her with the house key.
They had spent the better half of the afternoon in Fredericksburg signing the paperwork for their new property. The rain, catching them by surprise as they rode back from town this evening, left them both drenched from head to toe.
"I'm glad the prior owner decided to leave the furniture." Kid said, pushing the door open.
"Yeah, I guess that poor widow won't be needing it when she moves in with her...AHHH! KID!? What the hell do you think you're doing!?"
Kid grinned from ear to ear, startling Lou by placing one arm behind her back and another behind her knees, sweeping her off her feet.
"I'm carrying my bride over the threshold!"
"Kid, I think you're only s'posed to do that on your weddin' night!"
He smiled, cheeks stretched wide, "I know, but this is our new home now and, well, I won't complain if we had a little re-creation of our weddin' night." He said, eyebrows waggling.
Lou smiled coyly.
Easing her feet back to the ground, he circled his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him," 'sides, we need to hurry up and get you out of these wet clothes."
Kid closed his eyes, leaning into her, eager to join her soft lips with his, but in one swift motion, Lou surprised him by removing his hat, rustling his hair before patting the hat down on her own head.
Lou stood on the tips of her toes, her lips finding their way to Kid's ear, her voice, soft — sultry, "I tell you what, lover boy...you get the fire going, and I'll see if I can find something around here to get us warm and dry."
A disapproving groan came from Kid's mouth. He nestled his face into the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply — breathing in her sweet scent.
He caressed her skin gently with his lips, trying his best to make the moment last, his hot breath in her ear, "You're somethin' else, you know that?"
"Mmmm...and so are you." She said, kissing him quickly on the cheek before pulling away from his embrace, hurrying out of the room, "Won't be but a minute!"
Kid sighed heavily, running his hand through his hair as he watched her figure retreat into darkness. He patted his head upon the realization of what was missing. He turned, raising his voice to ensure Lou could hear him down the hall, "...and bring back my hat!"
His attention turned to the stone hearth, searching for anything on the mantel capable of starting a fire. His hands detected the cast iron kerosene pot and continued patting their way in the darkness, searching for matches.
In the exact moment his fingers recognized what they were looking for, incoherent words of profanities escaped his lips as the sound of cascading matches fell to the bricks below.
"What did I just hear you say?!" Lou shouted from a room down the hall.
Frustrated, now down on his hands and knees in the dark, his teeth clenched tightly, "Nothing! Just saying I love you, dear!"
Several minutes went by, but the crackles and pops of the fire were now playing like music to his ears—the heat penetrating deep into his bones.
Lou stood quietly in the shadows across the room, watching intently as her husband worked to remove his coat and shirt. She watched his face in the amber light, his sweet face — weathered from spending many hours of every day outside in the elements. His muscles — stretching and pulling under his tight, wet long johns, working hard as he pushed a high wing-back chair from the corner of the room, placing it front and center to the fire.
It was a simple act, her husband undressing before her —something she had witnessed a hundred times before, but this time, it chipped at Lou's heart, and her body ached with all the tenderness, love, and desire she had for him.
Kid sat in the chair, bending at the waist, his eyes cast downward, removing his soaked boots, socks, and pants.
There was a slow, subtle movement in his peripheral vision, something that prompted him to stop what he was doing and turn his head.
At that moment, everything stood still. He couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't speak.
His heart was caught somewhere between the back of his throat and his stomach when he watched a pair of bare feet stop directly between him and the fire.
The fire— a heat igniting within him as his eyes began to travel up the naked legs of his wife.
Kid's mouth hung agape, his heartbeat quickened with a quiet longing — a desperation when he saw the full silhouette of her standing before him in the fire's light.
She was so beautiful. So breathtaking.
Bold.
Daring.
In control.
"What are you lookin' at?"
The sight of her left little to his imagination, light accentuating Lou's petite frame through the thin material of the oversized shirt.
His shirt.
Her hair was piled atop her head, leaving unruly tendrils of waves escaping from the underside of a hat.
His hat.
The rolled-up shirt sleeves revealed the delicate skin of her forearms. Still, Kid's eyes — his eyes were more interested in the undone top buttons of the shirt. They trailed downward, following the vertical seam past her midsection, until they rested in the area between her thighs, where the flames of the fire and shirt came to rest.
"Kid?" Her voice was soft, questioning the silence.
Words bounced around in his mouth, but the right ones refused to come out. "Oh, God, Lou."
A silent, knowing smile graced Lou's face.
She loved this man more than she's ever loved anything else in this world. She didn't know what the next few days, weeks, or months held for them, but tonight he was here, and he was hers.
She needed his love just as much as she needed to give hers.
She stepped forward, closing the distance between them.
"Come here." She demanded, reaching out, gripping his arms, pulling him closer to her. Kid now sat upright, her soft body resting between his legs.
She stood over him, fingers attentively walking up his shoulders, gliding their way around his neck, massaging through his tousled hair.
Kid's eyes closed, relishing her every touch. He leaned his head into her abdomen, nuzzling his face against the material of the shirt —letting out a guttural moan mixed with a few unintelligible words.
She watched him— listened as he kissed her abdomen. He caressed the smooth skin of her outer thighs, gently gliding up and down with gentle strokes of his fingertips, slowly inching his way around to her backside, before taking hold of her firm behind in his hands — kneading it as if he couldn't get enough.
...and it wasn't enough.
His body became rigid, tensing upon the realization she wasn't wearing anything underneath.
Lou's breath hitched as Kid clenched tighter and tighter.
She felt treasured.
Desired.
Loved.
"Oh, Lou..."
"Shh." She said softly as if to soothe a child, bringing a finger up to his lips to silence him.
Kid's eyes were full of her, watching with intent as she tugged on the top of his long johns, removing it in one swift motion, feeling her nails glide across his chest of hair, shoulders, and arms.
His hands traveled under the shirt and up her back, exploring every ridge and divot of her spine.
She leaned into him, cupping his face within her hands before claiming his mouth with her own.
Their hunger for each other was insatiable — a force so intense, it starved out the lifelong feelings of neglect and abandonment, replacing it instead with each other's love and affection.
This was true love at its purest. Unwavering. Enduring. It didn't matter what tomorrow held because this night would carry them through the rest of their lives.
His hands wandered with no particular direction in mind. Abiding their lead, he grasped the shirt's collar, fingers fumbling around in search of the buttons, not satisfied until he released them from their confines one by one.
Kid's fingers glided along her neckline, tucking them under the thin material, guiding it off of her shoulders until it slid off her body and pooled at their feet.
Lou stood before him in all her glory, the fire dancing off her body.
He looked into her eyes, reciting a silent prayer, begging her for her mercy or permission. He wasn't sure which.
He needed to touch her, feel her in every way possible.
She brought his hands before her lips, kissing his palms before leading him down to her breasts.
She closed her eyes as her head fell back at the sensation.
There was something about the way his calloused thumbs massaged circles on her sensitive skin. The burn of pleasure, sending heat searing through her core.
Lou inhaled a sharp hiss through her teeth, her fingers tightened their grasp on his hair, pulling his head backward until her mouth reclaimed his.
Kid tried to speak between his ragged breaths, "Lou,...I...need you...now.." His words excited a yearning within her, a burning need — a carnal desire.
Lou's teeth took pleasure in his bottom lip as she bore his shoulders into the back of the chair, and in one fluid movement, straddled atop his lap like she was mounting up for a ride. Her lips hovered over his, her breath just as labored.
She removed Kid's hat from her head, releasing the hair piled within, sending it toppling down past her shoulders.
"Mmm. Here ya go, cowboy, you'll be needing this." Lou murmured, placing the hat atop his head. She leaned forward, caressing her lips along the rim of his ear, whispering, "'Cause we're going to go for a long, slow ride."
Their pledges and promises of love lasted throughout the night until Lou turned cold.
Very cold.
"Please don't leave me, Kid." Her voice was a strangled whisper, startling her awake with its desperation.
Reality came back to her like it does when one wakes from a dream; she could see it retreating into the distance. She reached out to hold onto it, but when her eyes opened, the day's twilight colors streamed in, then the dream was gone.
The bathwater had long cooled, leaving her cold, wet— alone. Judging by the diminishing light in the back of the house, she imagined she had been asleep for quite some time. The bubbles in the tub were scant, the water, now transparent. Lou's hands, skin wrinkled, rested comfortably atop her lower abdomen, cradling the precious gift that she and Kid produced out of love that unforgettable night.
It's been nearly two months since Kid had left for Richmond.
Every part of her existence wanted to lay down at his feet, wrap her arms around his legs, and beg him not to go that morning. But she didn't. She was too proud for that.
"You've always been an honest man, Kid — that's one of the things I love about you the most." She paused, thinking about how she was going to say the next part.
"You let me know a long time ago where your heart stood with Virginia— always knew there'd be the possibility you'd go fight for her."
Lou looked down at their entwined hands, her fingers nervously rubbing the rough ridges of his knuckles. Refusing to meet the gaze of his eyes, she continued.
"Kid, you once promised me that you'd never ride on without me again..." She was surprised at how sure and steady her voice was, considering all her fidgeting.
"We both know it wasn't fair of me to ask that of you, so I'll just do you a favor and get off the trail right here..."
Her voice broke in desperation, her body wracked in sobs.
"Lou, come here."
Kid pulled her into him for several moments, holding her head tightly against his chest, calming her as only he could.
"Shh. Lou, look at me." He begged, tilting her chin up with his gloved hand. "Please."
Lou's eyes looked upward, assessing the anguish and pain displayed on his face — his watery eyes, his furrowed brow, the straight line of his mouth. She knew deep down this was the hardest thing he'd ever done, and for a fleeting moment, she thought maybe he had changed his mind.
"I could never ride on without you, Lou." Kid's voice unexpectedly caught in his throat.
"You know why? Because you're always with me...right here," He took her hand and placed it over his heart.
They stood quietly facing one another, tears staining both of their faces. She could see guilt rise from the creases of his forehead.
"Lou, I could write Teaspoon…"
She stopped him, shaking her head vigorously.
"I ain't goin' back to Rock Creek. Not without you, Kid!" She snapped abruptly but recovered her tone quickly until it softened once again.
"Just come back to me, Kid. When you do, I'll be waiting for ya right here. Please, just come back to me."
He held her tightly for what seemed like an eternity, but somehow, it was not long enough.
"I love you so much, Lou."
Those were the last words he had spoken to her. The next thing she remembered, she was watching him ride off into the misty May fog.
A sharp crack of thunder exploded in the distance, leaving Lou to jump away from her memories. It was now dark outside, and the air smelled like rain. She was wrapped tightly in her robe, a lit candle in her hand, halfway up the stairs without the slightest recollection of how she got there.
Lou reached the top of the stairwell when she noticed the soft glow of the wavering orange light creeping underneath her bedroom door.
She approached the bedroom slowly, tentatively pushing the door open to find the night's breeze whipping about the silk curtains — mere inches from the flickering light of the oil lamp.
"Good Lord, Louise...it's a wonder you didn't burn down the damn house!"
Lou rushed to the window, closing it just in time to hear the rain pelt the glass. She looked over at the lamp, her brow wrinkled in confusion.
"I could have sworn I blew that lamp out this mornin'." She shook her head, dismissing the thought.
"I must be losin' my mind..."
She stood there for a moment, looking out into the stormy darkness, tracing the raindrops trailing down the window with her finger, just as she did when she was a child — reminding her of the sadness that used to creep in as storms just like this.
She exhaled sharply, closing the curtains as if to shut out the bad memories.
Lou walked around to the desk chair, sitting down to rest her eyes. She was exhausted, her fatigue quickly becoming the tangible beast in the room with her.
She looked down at her hands as they spread out the material of her robe, smiling as she massaged her lower abdomen with her fingertips, still in disbelief of the news she received the day before.
Lou had suspected she was expecting shortly after Kid had left for Richmond. It took her several weeks and a couple of trips into town before gaining enough nerve to step into the doctor's office.
"I didn't know how something so small could cause me so many problems!" She smiled, tapping her belly as if to get the baby's attention.
"I don't mind one bit though, ya know why?" She whispered as if telling a little secret.
"Because you are so special…"
Tears began to well in her eyes, her emotions caught in the back of her throat. "...you are so loved, little one, and you're not even here yet!"
The force of her tears surprised her, but just as quickly as the tears came, it was replaced with a tiny laugh, "Ya see what you're doin' to your mama?" She paused, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"I promise I'm not some crazy lady!" She smiled.
"Oh, I wish your daddy could be here right now. He'd be so happy." She laughed when another thought occurred to her.
"Although, I'm sure he'd order me straight to my room until your arrival in January."
Lou cast her gaze over to the desk drawer where her letter to Kid was safely tucked away. The letter had been written over the past couple of weeks, adding to it little by little each night before she retired to bed.
Last night's completion of the letter was bittersweet, ending with the vague postscript about the 'precious gift' Kid had left behind.
She grinned, knowing that he'd be in the dark about his own generosity.
She had dreamed of this moment a hundred times — the experience of finding out they were going to be parents together, seeing the expression on Kid's face upon learning he was going to be a daddy, him being there every step of the way.
Now she sits, two months later, waiting on word from him, any word — how he's doing, wondering if he made it to Richmond, which Cavalry unit he joined, has he seen any action, if he's hurt...or worse?
The latest buzz around town revealed the devastation of the rail lines in the south. The major tie between Richmond and Fredericksburg had been severed — the delivery of much-needed supplies, medicine, and mail were increasingly harder to come by.
"The Pony Express could deliver the mail across the country faster than they can out here in Virginia." She scoffed.
Lou continues to hold on to the sliver of hope that the war would soon be over, but until she receives word from him, or she sees those blue eyes staring back at hers, the good news of their baby would just have to wait.
She opened the desk drawer, pulling the letter out, smoothing her hand over the envelope like she was reintroducing herself to an old friend.
Her brow wrinkled in confusion as the letter she thought was her own presented with unfamiliar handwriting— where the name 'Kid' was supposed to be scripted, she instead saw her name neatly printed — underlined with emphasis.
After flipping the envelope twice to affirm what she was seeing, her heart began to sink. She looked all around the desktop, peeking into all the compartments, pulling out drawers in search of Kid's letter, but it was nowhere to be found.
Lou's focus returned to the envelope that bore her name. She hesitantly untucked the envelope's flap, carefully taking out a folded letter, both perplexed and alarmed at the realization that the paper was actually from her own personal stationery.
A knot formed in the back of her throat, finding it difficult to breathe when she unfolded the note and read those first few words:
Dear Mrs. McCloud,...