Chapter 51: Alter Ego*

20 June 1978

Lupin's House

Hermione cursed as an invisible force landed on her toes.

"I just don't understand why you had to apparate under the cloak."

"Pup," James voice sounded from the empty space beside her. "We told you. Moony's parents don't know about us being Animagi."

"But why don't they know?" Hermione started walking towards Remus' front door, knowing the invisible trio would follow. "Your dad knows."

"Yeah, but Moony's dad works for the Ministry."

"So?"

"So, he's on the rule-following side of the Ministry."

"But wouldn't they be happy for Remus? Wouldn't—"

"Believe me, Pup," James interrupted. "We've already had this discussion and it's just better they don't know."

"Alright." Hermione let the matter go despite still being unsatisfied.

She picked up a hand to knock at the door but it opened before her to reveal a smiling, albeit exhausted, Remus. Hermione's mouth split into a smile.

"Hi Professor."

"Hi Pup."

The tension the two werewolves held in their shoulders visibly dissipated in response to their close proximity. Hermione could tell her inner wolf was basking in the light of her Alpha.

"Oi!" came a sharp whisper. "We're here, too."

Remus barked out a laugh and pushed the door open to accommodate his friends

"Pup, you know where the guest room is," he pointed up to the second floor. "You can put your stuff down and then we might as well head out."

"Are your parents here?" Hermione asked, stepping toward the stairs.

"No," Remus shook his head. "They went out for dinner, thought we'd appreciate the privacy."

By the pink tinge of Remus' cheeks, Hermione could tell his parents had once again brought up the possibility of them being a couple. She smiled knowingly at Remus while he rolled his eyes at his oblivious parents.

"Oh, now you tell us!"

Hermione laughed and turned to go up the stairs as James, Sirius and Peter struggled to free themselves from under the invisibility cloak.

Once in the guest room, she set her beaded bag on the bed and quickly changed into the oversized shirt she wore for transformations. She could hear the boys joking around downstairs, but wasn't quite ready to rejoin them. She sat down at the end of the bed and looked at her reflection in the mirror on the wall.

Her hair was messy and her eyes told of just how close the full moon was. She slowly traced a finger down the scar that marred the side of her face. Most of the time she forgot it was there, but there were moments – a first year staring a touch too long, the first glance in the mirror in the morning – that would never truly let her.

"I think it makes you look tough."

Hermione turned to see Sirius leaning against the doorway.

"Your scars, they tell your story." He gestured to her eye. "That one tells me how strong you are. A lot of people would have covered that with a glamour every day. But you don't."

He moved further into the room as she dropped her hand from her face but still kept his distance. He put a hand up to his shoulder, clamping down in a mimic of a bite.

"This one tells me that although you are strong, you're still only human and vulnerable to the mistakes of others."

He stepped even closer before finally sitting down next to her. He put a finger to the side of each eye.

"This one tells me that even though I think I know your story, there's still a lot I don't know."

Hermione looked at Sirius with confusion in her eyes. Sirius smiled sadly.

"Some scars can't be seen, Pup," he reminded her. "Listen, I-I'm sorry."

"For what exactly?" She found herself whispering.

"You know, Pup." He gave her a pointed look. "I'm sorry for how I handled everything the next day. I'm sorry for making it weird."

"I mean, it is a bit weird." Hermione couldn't help but smile. "I mean it is a bit weird. We're good friends and yet we've kissed – What? Three times?"

"Whoa, whoa, Pup, we gotta clarify," he grinned wickedly. "I seem to recall it's usually you kissing me, and last night as I recall was a bit more than a kiss."

"Yes, well." Hermione flushed. "I mean two out of three times there was alcohol involved and the other was Pup."

"Makes you wonder if she knows something we don't."

"Hmm, maybe she does."

"So we're good, right?" Sirius flashed his puppy eyes. "We're on the same page."

"Yeah, Padfoot," she leaned into him. "We're all good."

He stood and held out a hand for her to take.

"C'mon, Pup, time to run."

Hermione and Sirius rejoined the group and then the pack set off. In the land and trees by Remus' house, they ran. And for a while it's just like that, light-hearted and fun, with the boys in their Animagi forms and Remus and Hermione laughing along. They leaned on each other for support as they headed deeper into the thick.

But being out there in the open, able to breathe and stretch her legs, it did something to Hermione. She could feel Pup, just below the surface of her skin. Except no, she wasn't under her skin. She was in it and all through it. Hermione could feel Pup in her blood and behind her eyes. She could feel the call.

Let me show you what I see.

Let me show you what I can do.

And Hermione did. As she walked with Remus, a smile still ghosting her lips, she returned the call.

Remus could feel the shift as soon as it happened. Moony stirred deep in his chest, in the cage Remus had been building since the day he was turned. He stopped abruptly and pulled Hermione to look at him, recoiling in an instant at what he saw.

Her pupils were shot and streaks of gold bled in and out in waves. And yet despite the change in her eyes, she seemed focused. As she stared back at Remus, she looked too at Moony in his cage.

"What did you do?" Remus' voice fought incredulousness with anger. The other Marauders turned and slowly approached the two werewolves.

"Remus, what's going on?"

"What did you do?" Remus repeated, ignoring Peter.

"I let her in," Hermione smiled.

"Put her back." Remus cleared his throat, letting his voice drop deeper. "Don't make me pull rank, Pup. Put—"

"No!" Hermione's arm shot out to grab him. The moment her skin touched his, Moony howled and railed against Remus' bones.

Let me out. Let me go. Let me free.

Remus doubled over, grasping his head as he fought for control.

"Moony! Pup! What's going on?"

The others frantically shouted but neither of the werewolves responded.

Hermione cocked her head to the side as she took in Remus' struggle. She felt a thrill ripple through her at the sight of Remus on his knees. Part of her wanted to howl triumphant, to lead the pack away on her own. But the other part of her wanted to fall down next to her Alpha, protect him and stay with him until he returned to his feet.

But these halves weren't Hermione versus Pup. They were mixed together, part of the same whole just as was so with the witch and the wolf.

So Hermione paced and danced from toe to toe as the Marauders looked on in a sort of horrified curiosity. And then, slowly but surely, Remus got to his feet. He looked from the other boys to Hermione and back again.

"She—" He cleared his throat. "She let her out. She let Pup out."

All four boys stared at Hermione. Despite Remus' state of near panic, she was calm, very calm.

"I didn't let her out, Remus." She smiled. "I let her in."

"No," Remus frowned, shaking his head. "Go away, Pup. Bring Hermione back."

"Remus," Hermione's brows furrowed in confusion. "It's still me. I'm still Hermione."

"Your eyes. I can tell. It's Pup."

"Remus, Pup and I are the same," she tried to explain. "Answer Moony's call. You'll see. You'll see."

"No," Remus' voice shook.

"Remus, no, it's okay. I swear. Let Moony in. Moony!" Remus' hair stood on end in the most pleasant way. Hermione called again. "Moony!"

Remus could feel him, could feel the wolf within. He was so close, surely it couldn't hurt…

"Hermione, stop!"

The gold fled from her eyes at the desperation in his voice. She held up her ahnds in mock surrender.

"Remus, it's okay. It's just me."

"You can't do that!" Remus shouted, rounding on her. "Do you know how dangerous that is?"

"It was fine, Remus," Hermione argued, her voice stern. "Everything was under control."

"You let Pup take control!"

"No, I didn't. Were you listening to me? I was letting her in, like-like broadening my mind or looking through a lens. It wasn't a loss of control, Remus. If anything, I gained some."

"No." Remus shook his head. He was livid, not listening to what Hermione was trying to say. "You can never let them have control. Never!"

"I—"

"And you can't have her call, Moony! Fuck, Pup!"

Hermione looked down at her bare feet, feeling a touch more than properly chastised. This was the side of Remus she hated, the side she'd only seen once before in the weeks after the battle at the Ministry. He was disappointed in her.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't fucking cut it. You know better."

James stepped up to Hermione's side and tucked her under his arm.

"Let's all just take a minute. We've still got some time before you all transform. Pads, Wormtail, just take Remus over there."

Hermione let James lead her away from the still seething Remus. Once they were out of earshot, he stopped them and turned to face her.

"Oh, Pup." At the sight of her tears, he pulled her into a hug. "It's alright, Pup. He'll forgive you."

"I don't like him like that," she muttered into James' chest. "I hate how he views Moony. It's a curse we've been saddled with, don't get me wrong, but we're not monsters. I'm not a monster."

"Merlin, Pup, of course you're not a monster." James closed his eyes. "It's Remus, Hermione. It's not you. It's how he sees himself, but he could never see you that way."

They pulled out of the hug and James sighed before frowning.

"This thing is, Pup… you can't do that. No, don't interrupt. Hear me out. You can't call Moony out. You might be able to handle Pup, but Remus can't handle Moony. They've been fighting each other too long and Remus doesn't want to.

"He's afraid. Sirius' prank fucked him up even more than he was. He saw how close he came to biting someone or worse. That's what letting Moony out or in or whatever means to him."

Her annoyance had dissipated almost instantly. She'd realized her mistake as soon as Pup had resettled within her. Now it was only guilt that filled her veins. Guilts over pushing Remus, guilt over taunting Moony. And the biggest guilt of all – knowing that one day Remus would have to do the one thing separating himself, in his mind, from losing his humanity.

It was awkward, so incredibly awkward. Hermione had transformed in front of these boys, been partly naked in front of them. Hell, she'd even kissed some of them. And yet nothing came close to creating this air, ripe with tension, that now surrounded them.

Under all her guilt, Hermione was at war with herself. Stuck between challenging and submitting to her Alpha, she was itching for the change. She wanted to go to Remus for direction, but the other werewolf refused to look at her.

She glanced at the other Marauders for help. James smiled. Peter shrugged. And Sirius just nodded toward Remus. Then, the clouds parted and the call of the moon seized the night.

Ahhhhhhh, finally.

Feels so good. Stretching my legs.

Back in the forest. Not Hogwarts. New smells. Familiar smells.

He's here.

They're here. All of them. Even the Rat.

Mustn't mind him just yet.

Change was easier this time.

She likes me. I like her. I like me.

She knows we're the same. He doesn't.

He doesn't understand.

An Alpha should understand.

Unfit.

A/N: *Another Self