"How are the subjects?"
"Completely reactive, and growing, though, one is faster than the other in various aspects and vice versa."
"Never take your eyes off them, they could have a reaction even without meeting the complete criteria."
Silence was enough for an answer.
"I trust you alone to complete this mission, but you know how to call when you need extra manpower."
The phone call ended.
And in the top of a public school in West Chiba, stood a man with his hair swaying in the wind.
He looked down hoping to get his first…reaction.
"Subject #1. Physicals level one." The man whispered to no one in particular.
"Oreki-san!"
My head instinctively turned towards the voice that disturbed my peace.
What was I thinking about again?
"I found the Literature Club! Let's join right now while there's still time left for lunch!"
When is she ever gonna lose all that energy?
"I refuse-"
"I refuse your refusal!"
Chitanda came dangerously close to my face, with her eyes sparkling with light.
Just how many times is she gonna keep doing this?
"You're close, Chitanda."
"Ah, I'm sorry." She made a small step backwards.
Is it really saying sorry if you keep doing it again?
Sigh, it's not like I could win against her.
"And Oreki-san, weren't last year in the Literature club interesting, and fun? Why not do it in our final year of high school as well?"
Interesting huh?
"Hmm? O-r-e-k-i-san~."
Chitanda leaned her head forward, at a respectable distance this time, to stare directly at my eyes as I felt my face slowly start burning.
I turned my face away from her, and stood up. I started walking towards the door, aside from Chitanda.
She will always find a way to leave me no choice.
I didn't hear the expected footsteps that I thought would soon come.
Without seeing her face, I asked. "Something wrong?"
"No, just…I didn't expect you to actually agree to come with me…"
"So that means it's fine to stay then, right?" I started walking back to my chair-
A hand so soft that I could feel it through the fabric of my uniform across my chest stopped me.
Another hand grabbed my right wrist as I was dragged towards the classroom exit.
For somebody that looks as fragile as her, Chitanda sure has a good grip strength.
It would've been nicer if her hand went down just a little bit further towards my own, so it could be more comfortable.
Huh?
Ah, she turned a corner too fast.
I was able to keep my balance, but there was also somebody hastily turning around the opposite corner, so I ultimately lost it when both parties collided.
Chitanda's grip weakened when she hit the person as I fell without her support. I was able to use my hands to soften the landing.
The test went well, rather, the results just came quickly.
#1 has tested the second lowest in physicals ever in my whole life of evaluating named subjects.
I haven't fully trialed #1 in physicals yet as I haven't seen his limits, but it should be obvious even to the normal person what the results of those are gonna be.
Moving to the next category.
Mind Assay.
"It's close…? Why? I saw a poster of them trying to find members!"
It's my lucky day.
"See you tomorrow, Chitanda."
Before I could even start walking away, my wrist…was grabbed again.
"Oreki-san, look, the poster clearly says there should be people waiting here at lunch time!"
I tilted my head around, but even with the fairly big poster covering half of her face…All I could see was the latter…
Dammit why?
The grip on my wrist loosen as the same hand pointed at the poster.
'Currently looking for members for the literature club! On Saturday, the club will stop hiring members, so this week is your last chance to join! Each duty must be accomplished, the literature club always takes everything seriously!
"See, Oreki-san?" Chitanda kept pointing at the poster with the most innocent smile I've seen from a human being.
Sigh.
Wait…Saturday? Is the school even open for this week of Saturday? Shouldn't it be Friday instead?
It's probably just a minor mistake.
"See, Oreki-san? Aren't they a righteous club?"
The poster was very well made, the lettering, and the design feels captivating. It's done professionally to say the least.
"Where did you find this, Chitanda?"
"At the school bulletin board, where all the other club posters are…why, Oreki-san?"
"...Nothing, I'm going home."
My efforts were wasted as I was stopped again momentarily, this time though, my wrist wasn't grabbed. Instead, Chitanda ran in front of me, tipped her toe ups to match my eye level, and…
"Oreki-san, kininarimasu!" My worst nightmare. "What made you interested in this poster?"
Think of an excuse, something that could take my 'interest' in the poster that will satisfy Chitanda, and have her allow me to finally go home.
She displayed the poster again as I looked at the letters once more…
Currently looking…
On Saturday…
Each duty…
Found it.
I'm certain this is just a coincidence, but it will satisfy Chitanda enough.
The goal isn't to find a reason, it's to simply fulfill Chitanda's curiosity.
"There's more than one word in each sentence that connects, tell me tomorrow once you solve it, for now I'm going home. See you, Chitanda." I started walking away from her for the 3rd time this day.
And I won't be caught off guard this time.
I heard her footsteps come closer as I turned around quickly, and leaned in to karate chop her head lightly, catching Chitanda off guard.
"Figure it out, okay?"
Chitanda's eyes that rarely looks down were suddenly stuck to the floor, the poster almost crumbling in her hands.
"I understand…I'll figure it out, Oreki-san. See you tomorrow." I couldn't see her expression, but her voice was rather soft.
/~/
"Houtarou, how does it feel? Hmm? I can't hear you~."
Huh?
"Houtarou-san, I never thought of you to be this naughty~."
Chitanda Eru slowly leaned closer to my face, and whispered words that I didn't even know she knew existed.
Chitanda Eru slowly undresses.
Chitanda Eru slowly undresses myself.
Chitanda Eru slowly… She slowly…lowered…lowered into the…
…I slowly opened my eyes as the sun found its way through the window blinds…
That dream again…? Could I get a more realistic one for once?
Sigh.
She's the second person I could remember next to my sister that I've ever dreamed of. In the first place, I don't often get dreams- rather, it's a rare occasion.
I'd average about once a month, but lately…for the past week…every single day…it's been all about her.
Ah, I hate this.
I hate thinking knowing I won't be having an answer…I hate thinking of problems without a solution.
It's something that bothers me in my everyday life.
Or rather, it became the only thing that started bothering me every single day…
Ever since she came into my life…
This is infuriating.
An endless amount of curiosity that I would never even hope of grasping.
Chitanda Eru is a creature I can't understand fully.
I don't hate the idea of not understanding anything, but she's an anomaly.
Somehow, I can't stop thinking until I understand her, or see her fully…
I'm always thinking since it wastes the least amount of energy, but stressing about it is a completely different thing.
Solving a difficult math problem, or a puzzle piece has become normal for me, but thinking about her…my brain goes into a haze whenever she appears in my head…
And somehow, every single time…
My brain instantly focuses whenever she asks me to figure out something.
Whenever her eyes sparkle with curiosity, my brain starts working the same way.
Unbeknownst to me, a small grin grew on my face.
"Oreki-san! I figured it out!"
Has she been waiting here all morning?
I came to school later than usual, so I didn't expect to see her since Chitanda is always early to go to class.
But she was waiting for me.
"It's the first two words, right? The first two words of each sentence, and the first letters of each word connect! It spells 'Closed!"
"Well done-"
"But Oreki-san, why did they add that puzzle in the poster? Kininarimasu!"
I knew this would get me off tomorrow, but I also knew it was gonna screw me the next day.
Who said that again…?
'Leave tomorrow's problems to tomorrow's me.'
Oh, this would work.
"They were closed yesterday, so today means?"
Chitanda's light in her eyes multiplies.
"Let's go, Oreki-san. We still have a few minutes before class starts."
Being in a school club wastes enough energy for me to absolutely refuse ever joining one, but the literature club wasn't half bad.
And if it keeps Chitanda…away for just a little bit, then I'd do it.
We started walking towards the school entrance, and slowly made it to the club section of the school.
"Sniff* *Sniff*" Chitanda suddenly started walking faster, she was trying to find something.
I don't smell anything though…Nevermind, I forgot she had a strong aptitude for it.
"Oreki-san, it's smoke! Something is on fire!"
"The fire alarm would be on right now if it was dangerous-"
"That room! Follow me, Oreki-san."
Dejected, I followed her towards a closed door.
Before entering, I heard a loud thud on my right where a student dropped a lot of books as he was trying to open a door. A rather familiar voice of a girl was heard lecturing the former.
I forgot those two exchanged schools with us as well.
"Coming in!"
What greeted me beyond the door was exactly what I expected.
The sign outside the room said 'Chemistry Club' after all.
A female student with gray hair just slightly taller than Chitanda wearing a white lab coat, stood with her hands covering her eyes.
A science experiment?
On the floor was a fire extinguisher.
She finally realized us standing just outside the door.
"Am I in trouble?"
The smoke around the room is moderately dense, if she didn't react fast enough to distinguish the fire, then the alarms might've been set off.
"She just has a special talent for smelling."
"Mhm!" I didn't expect her to take it as a compliment…
"I see. Futaba Rio, I'm a student transfer."
"It's nice to meet you, Futaba-san! We're also transfer students!"
Before the aforementioned could even speak, Chitanda already started her…hobby?
Normally, Chitanda is a super virtuous person, but it seems like she loses all of it when she gets…interested.
"Kininarimasu, Futaba-san! How did you manage to create this much smoke? What were you doing in this room-"
Sigh
I grabbed Chitanda's shoulders before she could continue further, and dragged her as soft as I could towards the exit of the room.
"I'm sorry for the interruption." I apologized to the gray haired student as I exited the room ignoring Chitanda's protests.
"We don't have much time before classes start, do you want to join the club or not?"
"Ah, I completely forgot about it, let's go, Oreki-san."
I see…this was why…
Dammit!
What should I do?
Should I even be here!?
Sensei's mother…Her body was frail…so frail that I'm genuinely afraid of it completely breaking if her body ever moves.
I could count 4 needles, and a respirator going inside her mouth.
I didn't know…It was gonna be this grave.
"The doctor said she doesn't have much time…" For the first time today, she finally uttered words that expressed emotion.
"But you never know-"
"Hikigaya, my mother is just clinging to life with only her final hair that hasn't gone away yet.
I d-don't know what to do- I thought if I finally accepted that fact, then I'd at least know what to say, or what- She was the only one, Hikigaya.
My father passed away before I was even able to walk, she was the only one…I remember it…how hard she worked to give me a proper education…my mother bleeding from working so hard was the only reason I was able to push through school, and became a teacher…
I thought I finally finished it…I thought that she could finally rest now as she's no longer supporting a child single handedly…
But why did this have to h-happen- why…why…"
"Sensei-"
"Shi…zuka."
"Mama?"
"Haha, I haven't seen your face that pitiful ever since you graduated high school…why are you crying so much?"
"Hikigaya, call the nurse."
I moved without hesitation, but I was stopped by the most broken, yet softest voice I've ever heard.
"Hikigaya? What's his first name?"
"Mama, please don't force yourself to talk anymore, I'd just call the nurse myself so-"
"You idiot daughter, weren't you the one that said that I'm only clinging into my life with my last bit of hair?"
"That was a lie!"
"I raised you into becoming a lot of things, Shizuka, but a liar was not one of them.
Besides, I haven't had even a glass of alcohol ever since they injected these annoying needles at me, so I've had enough."
"Mama…"
"It was a shame not seeing you get married before leaving, but I considered the possibility of you dying before even having a proper relationship that lasted a year, so I expected this anyways." Her eyes were dead, but out of everyone in the room, it seemed to look like hers was the most lively.
The same eyes looked at mine directly…
"Hikigaya Hachiman, it's nice to meet you, Hiratsuka-san."
"You're referring to two people when you say that you know…? Unless…You two are already married."
Huh!?
"But who am I kidding, that is impossible-"
"It's a feasible future, Yamaka-san. I wouldn't call it impossible just yet." I remembered her name on the nametag outside the door.
I'm not sure if I should've said that, but she looked pleased with it, besides, I knew she was trying to brighten up the mood by teasing Sensei earlier.
Unexpectedly, it worked tremendously well for me, it's the most I've been relaxed the whole day after all. Now I know where Sensei got her strong willed personality from.
Like mother, like daughter huh?
"Haha~ marry him right now, Shizuka. It's also nice to meet you Hikigaya Hachiman, you have my permission to take my daughter's hand anytime in the future."
The latter glanced at me for a second as a silence fell upon the room…
Right…I should give them some space.
I was glad Yukino brought me a new jacket, it gets cold in hospitals after all.
I bowed one more time at the two, and left the room to wait outside in one of the benches.
It's been said a lot before, but it will never lose its meaning, and it will always be a relevant saying as long as life exists.
As I sat down on one of the chairs…As I saw a child no more than 4 years old in a wheelchair with one of her legs completely missing…I only had one thought in my mind.
How could someone as cheerful as them look so pitiful at the same time?
This world is truly cruel.
"Hikigaya, wake up."
Sensei…?
The bench was rather comfortable for a hospital, so that's probably why I fell asleep.
There were still a few aches in my body, but it's just muscle sores for now instead of what I was feeling a week ago. I recovered ridiculously fast.
Ah right, her mother…
"Sensei, what about-"
"I haven't eaten all day, Hikigaya. Do you want to grab some ramen? My treat."
Huh?
But what about…
What?
How…?
Why…?
How can she still form a smile like that after all that happened?
That smile is hiding a lot more than whatever amount Haruno has concealed with her mask… The ones that I've seen at least.
How can she still plaster a smile -in that face that was full of crying all week- that only says:
Don't worry, everything will be well, and fine.
Don't worry, I'm fine, and going to be doing well.
Don't worry, whatever it will be, I'll fix it myself.
How can a single human being hide so many emotions with just one expression?
How can one like Sensei be so strong?
How can one be so self-willed?
How can one be so unbending, and unyielding…How can one be so fucking stubborn…
This is…I'm speechless…Just a few hours ago, Sensei looked like what I would only consider a maiden in complete distress, but now…Sensei is perfectly showing the aura of a person that is most dependable. The type of person that you will cry to when you're broken.
The type of person the one under that smile will go, and cry to…
How fucking ironic.
"Hmm? What's wrong? Don't tell me you want something else, since I wouldn't have it."
"It's n-nothing, ramen is fine." I reluctantly agreed, I wanted to ask more, but…
Like I said earlier, I was speechless.
/~/
"Welcome to Ichiraku Ramen! You could take a seat anywhere, we just opened today, and we didn't get that many customers as expected, so the owner decided to have a 10% discount on all food on the menu today!"
What a cheerful woman…I wonder, will she ever grow pitiful someday as well? Like that girl in the hospital? Or Sensei's mother…
Stop draggin a random person in this Hachiman.
Sensei opted to sit at the very first row of seats where we had a view of the Chef making the noodles.
Like how I've always done in my whole life, I followed her.
"Oh my god! They have Wakayama Ramen! Two bowls of that please!"
It's quite rare to find them in Chiba, they'd usually be served in Tokyo most of the time. I've only tasted it twice, but it's one of my favorites as well.
"I'll have what the lady ordered, thank you very much." I said to the chef in front as we took our seats. The pleasant smell of food getting cooked entered through my nose.
As the noodles started boiling in the pot, I looked at the time in my phone and it read: 13:45.
I slept for quite a while, it's too late to make it into any of my classes now.
Well, it's not like I would've gone if I did have the time.
"About your question earlier…My mother is-"
"It's fine Sensei, I'm not demanding an explanation, nor do I deserve one in the first place."
I don't think she looked particularly comfortable going into that topic, but-
"Hoh? Are you really saying that after asking my mother for my hand in marriage? Cheeky brat."
Ah- dammit.
Why did she have to bring that up!?
I'm as red as those tomatoes that are getting cut right now!
But I can do this, I'm experienced, yes. I have a girlfriend now, I wouldn't be easily caught off guard like in the past anymore.
"Fine, I guess I at least deserve hearing about my future mother-in-law."
Hmm, I can't tell from her blush if she's embarrassed, or cringing…It's probably both.
Sensei sighs, "My mother…doesn't have long to live…is what the doctors announced, but while you were asleep, the doctors told me that they could do a surgery that would let her live for at least a few more years. The surgery has a 70% chance of succeeding."
I don't know if I should show a happy expression, but I felt a joyous emotion run through me when I heard the last two sentences.
Wait…Am I smiling right now?
Oh…I see.
It's the same effect as Yukino…
Whenever Sensei would show that smile, my mouth would follow the same gesture impulsively.
"And also…thank you for lending me your shoulder that night. It was really helpful."
I later figured that she didn't need it, but I still offered nevertheless.
Maybe it was because of envy? I was so lured, and used to the Sensei that always stands up by herself, that the moment she showed a single sign of weakness, I immediately tried to bring back the Sensei I knew before?
Well whatever it is, I'm glad I did it.
"As long as you return the favor, I'll be happy, Sensei."
I am troubled. Really troubled.
I've hinted, or asked indirectly if he's gonna go to Tokyo to celebrate his birthday with his family, but it seems like he has no plans.
Should I just bring his family here to surprise him? It hasn't even been a month since they last saw each other, so would it even be much of a surprise?
Or should I just bring his little sister instead? He's not the closest to his parents, but they're still family…And a birthday only happens once a year.
Sigh
In the first place, I haven't gotten a clue of what to even get him…Well, I have bought that outfit that I know -without a doubt- he would greatly appreciate, but that's for the night!
What do I get him in the day? Where do we even go?
I will be celebrating his birthday for the first time in just 4 days, but I still have no plans for a gift.
The only idea I thought about was a new phone, but his father beat me to it before his family went to Tokyo.
Sigh-
*RING* *RING*
Yukinoshita has a rather distinct ringtone, I've never heard of that tune before.
"Goodmorning, Yui.
Hachiman? He may not be able to attend school for today, is something the matter?
Someone looking for him?
Who is it…?
Huh!? A love letter? In his shoe locker…?
I see…Did that letter mention a name?
Very well, it would be unlikely for me to arrive at school early by this point, so you could just show me the letter at the Service Club after classes instead.
Goodbye Yui. I'll see you later."
…Service Club?
As in service for other people…?
Heh, I really hope Yukino has ideas on what to get a high school teen as a birthday present.
High school-
You have nowhere to go, youth is nothing but a lie and a form of evil.
Hiding is meaningless, hunger for love that will never be bound and acknowledged.
Yourself you don't believe, yellow is not the color of your hair.
Identity never exposed, ice that will never melt.
"This looks like something Hikki would write…" Yui observed, flipping the letter to see if there was anything at the back.
"One of his old essays from last year perhaps?"
The structure of the poem -if you could even call it that- is not very well made, but the message is adequately alive.
What a weird love letter.
"Should we show it to him, Yukinon?" Yui is rather tensed about the letter, I wonder-
…I see.
The third line…
I've never apologized, since we entered that battle on fair grounds, but…
Yui is still my friend.
If you exclude my partner, then Yui is my only friend.
Perhaps apologizing will hurt more…I really don't know.
Maybe I should just-
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
"Come in!" Yui beat me into saying it as the door slid open.
"Good Afternoon, my name is Sakurajima Mai."
Before closing the door behind her, I saw a couple of students lingering outside…I have to remember that she's a well known actress.
"My name is Yuigahama Yui, yahallo!" Yui waved a hand that wasn't on her phone.
I wonder why she came here.
"Mai-san? Did you drop anything in my sister's car?"
"Eh? You know her, Yukinon? Hmm…'Sakuran' wouldn't really work for a nickname…Ah, can I call you 'Mai-san' just like Yukinon, Sakurajima-san?"
"That would be fine, Yuigahama–san, and I'm actually here for the club."
Don't tell me…She's planning to join?
"I have a request to make."
I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit disappointed…
But a smile still grew on my face, "Then welcome to the Service Club, where we guide our peers to overcome any problems they might have. Would you like to have tea as we discuss your request, Sakurajima-san?"
"Please do."
I stood up from my chair as she perched on one of the vacant seats, where Isshiki normally sits.
After brewing the tea, I sat back to my seat directly in front of her, giving her the cup of glass.
"We can begin, Mai-san."
"My request includes asking for a suggestion…A birthday present to be exact, it's for my boyfriend."
"For Azusagawa-san?"
"Yes."
Well, I don't think I could really give much advice…That reminds me, I never got to celebrate Hachiman's birthday since it happened between the summer vacation…
"Have you thought of anything first, Mai-san? And when is Azusagawa-san's birthday?"
"Everything I've thought of buying will not be useful for him that much, and his birthday is this Saturday."
There's no school on Saturday…Maybe Mai-san could just invite Azusagawa-san to go outside…?
Weren't they transfer students? Guessing from the lack of furniture in their household, I'm confident they haven't been here for long…but how would they know which places to go to…
Oh.
This is where we come in.
"It's not entirely a present, but I have an idea, Mai-san. Yui." She looked up from her phone. "I have a favor to ask."
"Hmm? Sure!" Yui immediately went back to typing.
How can you even have that many acquaintances, and still keep being friends with them?
"My idea was having you two go on an outing with a date plan, since I figured that the both of you haven't explored much of Chiba yet."
Mai-san's mouth opened in agape for a second. "That's such a good idea, Yukino. I'm glad I asked you for it."
"It's my pleasure."
She finished the rest of her tea, and left the chair.
"I'll come back tomorrow to see if it's finished by then, thank you for doing this, Yukinoshita, and Yuigahama. See you."
"Likewise, goodbye, Mai-san."
"Bye-bye!"
There were less people outside the room when Mai-san exited, but they're still stalking her nevertheless.
As long as they're not following Mai-san to her home, I wouldn't call the police even though I've been tempted ever since I saw them.
"OK Yukinon! I'll just have to make a date plan, right?" Yui pulled out a notebook and started writing in it. "Let's see…Her name was Sakurajima Mai, right…?" She suddenly stopped and the pen dropped on the floor.
"Yui, is something the matter?"
"Sakurajima Mai…Sakurajima Mai…Sakurajima Mai is the actress that's getting talked about by all students in the school right now, right!? That was her?!"
"Eh? I suppose so…"
"That explains why she was so beautiful! And why didn't you tell me, Yukinon?" Yui showed her pout that closely resembles that of an irritated puppy.
"Mai-san introduced herself earlier with her full name."
"But I didn't realize! I forgot to get her signature as well!"
Sigh, "Mai-san will be here tomorrow, and I also have her number, so-"
"Give it to me right now, Yukinon!"
"I'll only share it once you finish the date plan, Yui."
It's not like I'm planning to have her do all the work, Yui just knows Chiba a lot more than myself.
"That's so mean! Please, give it to me!" Yui stood up from her seat and cuddled my arm tightly with her face. "Pretty please?"
She's very lucky to be born as an adorable person, otherwise, this would've been counted as sexual assault.
"Do you promise to do the date plan after I give you Mai-san's number?"
"Pinky promise!" Yui held up her aforementioned finger as I interlaced it with my own.
"I understand, here."
"Yay! Thank you, Yukinon!"
I changed my mind, I won't apologize after all, our ongoing relationship is perfect already.
When does a person get the right to take their own life away?
Life is like ice creams, you'd have to enjoy, and relish it before it melts away.
So what if you want to just put an end to it, but don't have the will to do it? What if you want to just put it into a freezer and never take it out again? Or what if you want to finish it completely by facing it directly towards the sun, so it could melt a lot faster?
Eating it slowly is what most people do, freezing it is the people who have given up and just living life, because they have to. And the people overlaying it in the sun are the ones that have given up completely.
But when do you get that right?
Who decides when life just gets too bitter? When do people only start experiencing the sweet part in their imaginations?
When does one get the right to give up?
People would always say to those that are about to give up; Remember how far you've come, remember what it took to get you this far.
I've always believed that the people that have lost absolutely everything could only keep going, because they want to get one more victory by being the last one to give up.
I've always believed that when life gets too bitter, and you get affected by it, that means life got the best of you, never let life win, just move on.
People who fail at moving forward will let life triumph over them, or in essence, will lose their life.
Taking your own life away will forever be one the most pusillanimous things that human beings do.
Like facing ice cream towards the sun, it's a waste.
People who say they've given up are the ones that have never truly tried in the first place.
There is a big difference between giving up and knowing that you have had enough.
People who've given it their absolute best would never say to themselves that they're surrendering, since the world itself will make them realize it.
People who say that they've hit their limit haven't even come close to reaching them, because your limit comes to you, not the other way around.
Though, there are some cases where people have reached their limit, but still gave up in the end. I've never seen it with my eyes, so I can't prove it, but there are some people out there that get told by the world itself that no matter what you do, and how much you try; The only escape is to melt away.
When that time comes, you don't think, you just do.
You get the right to take your life away, when you do it with full purpose, when you do it without hesitation, when it's the only thing left residing in your brain and soul, when you do it like it's the most natural thing in the world even though you can only do it once.
It's like waking up from your sleep. You don't think to open your eyes, you never think to end your dream.
You get the right to take your life away when it reaches the point where you don't even think about it, you just do, because you have to.
Like what that woman and I are doing right now, like breathing.
"Blegh* Why is this coffee so sweet?"
"Life is too bitter, so coffee should at least, be sweet."
"Have you said that before?" Sensei asks, taking one more sip of the 'overly sweet' coffee.
Truly, it's just moderately sweet, since too much sugar would lead it to being bitter, that goes for life as well.
I also probably got us MAX coffee just to say that line again -if I ever said it to another person before- since it crossed my mind. Well, I don't think it would've been possible for it to not, that was quite a monologue after all.
"Have you been showing signs of dementia, Sensei?"
I said that on purpose, I wanted to test if I could react fast enough, and stop her punch, I've never been able to do it in all of my previous attempts after all.
I stopped walking to prepare for it, but Sensei kept her legs moving.
"I'm glad I don't have it, since I probably would've punched you if I did."
Huh?
Sensei turned her head around, "You were hospitalized just a few days ago, right?"
I completely forgot about that…Rather, the lack of pain I haven't been feeling ever since we finished eating ramen made me forget about it.
"Then maybe I'm the one that has it?"
"That'll be bad, especially considering your age."
"I remember visiting one of my grandparents, and they had very severe dementia, maybe I'd follow in their footsteps."
"...just don't forget about…" Sensei was just a little bit ahead, so I didn't hear the rest of her sentence…No, she just stopped talking completely.
I was gonna ask her about it, but I realized that we made it into Sensei's car.
"Get in Hikigaya, it's getting late." Her tone suddenly changed into a commanding one.
"But-"
"I'm not drunk anymore, I can walk home properly now… so you just take it easy from now on."
"I…" I want to stay, "I understand."
The whole ride home in Sensei's car was quiet, and when I finally thought of saying something, we made it to my house.
With the whole ride being quiet, I realized something.
I realized that I was being completely oblivious the whole time I was with her.
I was being used without my knowledge after all…
The car was parked beside the Hikigaya household.
I looked towards her before exiting the car, but Sensei's eyes were stuck on the empty road ahead.
Just a responsible adult taking care of a minor, and nothing more, huh?
Is that what you're all seeing, Sensei?
Or is this just her way of telling me that she can now look ahead without being afraid of the future? That she doesn't need me anymore?
It's both. Or maybe…She never needed me in the first place.
I opened my mouth to say goodbye, but no words came out.
I just hope she won't leave me in the air of what's gonna happen to her mother.
I wouldn't know how to gather the confidence to ask after all.
Sensei's clothes…She doesn't have her coat on, only a shirt…
I left my jacket in the car as I exited towards the cold night.
The car moved without being a second late upon the door being closed.
Sensei either accepted it without thought, or didn't even realize it, being there in the first place.
If what I'm thinking is really true…
Sigh
Before entering the house, I first dialed Yukino, realizing that I had missed a few calls from her.
"Hachiman?" It hasn't even been a day since we last talked, but it feels like I haven't heard her voice in forever
"Yo."
"How are you feeling?"
"Huh?"
"Your injuries."
Oh. "They've all fully healed by now, I could go to school tomorrow."
"That's good, you've been missed."
"By you?"
"I saw you every single day, Hachiman. I meant the other members of the club."
"Yui misses me?"
"Since when have you two been on a first name basis?"
"I just decided on it now, Yui and I have been friends for a year now, you know?"
There was a slight pause.
"Hachiman, what's wrong?"
"Huh? If you don't want me to call Yui by her first name, then-"
"I've known you long enough to realize if you're forcing a futile conversation to avoid a serious one or not. Your voice doesn't sound normal, you can tell me what's wrong."
I forgot this is one of the benefits of having a girlfriend.
Someone you could share your problems with.
"Nah, it's just that…" I thought I've grown closer to her, but it turns out…I was just the perfect substitute available to be used as a rebound. "Sensei was going through a lot, and I didn't know it beforehand, so I felt guilty."
But I don't need to this tell Yukino, I'm gonna try my hardest to forget about it after all.
"I see…Then, attend the club tomorrow, I have something to show you."
"Okay, good night, Yukino."
"Goodnight, Hachiman."
It's not like I hate the idea of being used as a substitute to catch her tears, but…I just felt a slight tinge of disappointment when I realized that's all she's been using me for.
Joking about asking for her hand in marriage?
How fucking ridiculous.
When I lend my shoulder to catch her tears, all of that was just me filling in for a spot that she would never see Hikigaya Hachiman being in.
Sensei showing her weak side towards me?
It was just all a coincidence.
But even if it all was, even if I only had to fill an empty space momentarily…
I'm still glad I did it; I was indebted to her after all, Sensei may just see what I did that night as a show of thanks for what she did to help me, but I'm satisfied with that…Rather, I want to be.
I still feel disenchantment, but it'd probably go away tomorrow…I need it to disappear.
I try to be more like her, right? Act like her? Talk like her?
I should be able to hide this fruitless feeling…since It's not like I was hoping to be more than what we were, before Sensei left the school…It's just that…I didn't expect us to be something much less.
I didn't expect her to just treat me like a rental boyfriend to have somebody show empathy towards her feelings, since I was the most convenient option…
Since she knows best that I could never say no to a request, much less to somebody that I'm already acquainted with.
She knows best…She was the first one that made me realize it after all.
Sacrificing yourself for the happiness of others…I fit the criteria for what she needed so fucking much that I have no idea how I didn't realize it…
…that's right, because she was crying…
My mind apparently just stops working when I see people expressing their feelings.
And that promise I made with her…I hope she forgets it, I hope she doesn't even remember it in the first place
Sensei already gave me somebody to lean my head upon when it gets brought down, and exposes a sensitive hole…that's Yukino.
I just returned the favor when she needed somebody to feel that hole, there is no 'promise' to be done in the future.
I have to stop pretending to be someone that's important to her.
I just did my job.
That's right, I'm part of the Service Club, and Sensei is not anymore.
She's just a former teacher, nothing less, nothing more.
I was just a former student, nothing more, nothing less.
She doesn't need me…she never needed me.
In the end, she saw me as nothing but a kid, and I truly acted like one.
And here me thinking that I was the one taking care of her…what a fucking joke.
I entered the house as quietly as possible to avoid anyone from noticing, so I could forget about everything regarding Sensei by sleeping through it…for now.
I tried to forget everything, but a small detail crossed my mind.
Haruno.
Where does she land on Sensei's heart?
Sigh.
This is all too much…
I want to hug my girlfriend so bad right now.
I told myself I'd forget it by tomorrow, but the first thing I thought about upon waking up was…
Sigh
I've read somewhere that working out will clear your mind, and calm your body…but wouldn't it tense your mind, and body together instead…?
But there's no harm in trying though…
".."
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15…16…17
…18!
Hah…
I fell down on the soft carpet of my bedroom.
My arms weren't aching, I just lost rhythm, doing that many pushups wasn't as hard as I thought.
After regaining my breath, I got into position. My bed hair started bothering my eyes, so I tied it before starting again.
1, 2, 3, 4…
Why did they suddenly become harder!? Was it because I had adrenaline earlier that I thought it was easy at first?
5…6…7, 8…9!
One more!
10!
That was…thrice as hard as the first time…Now, my hands are really aching…
I don't even know if I was close to the proper form or not, but I think I did well for it being my first time.
Wait…Am I leaning into going in my training arc right now?!
What every single Shonen series fails not to do…Actually, I would argue that a Shonen series without a training arc of the main character is a counterfeit shonen, and is only being made, so the author could make money by all the mindless fools that keeps buying stuff even they consider trash…I'm part of those people as well, so I know for sure it's true.
But do I really need a training arc?
I've never really gotten into a fight before, at least, not physically…
And I've never been…hurt…
I see.
It did work.
It worked until the subject was forcefully put back into Sensei.
Exercising will indeed cool your mind down….I guess this is reason enough to go on a training arc.
And maybe I could've changed the outcome if I was able to actually take those guys on…
Forget it. It's irrelevant now.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10-