Disclaimer: Not mine, yada yada.

Thanks to Lilykep for beta-reading this for me.

Next Year's Girl

By Kylia

Chapter 4: Staying Put

October 12th, 2000

Caritas, Los Angeles

Xander put the microphone back in the holder as the song reached it's conclusion, and the green-skinned demon - the Host, Wesley and Cordelia had called him - that ran the place came up onto the stage.

"A round of applause for Alexandra here." There was some applause from the crowd, and it didn't seem all that forced, but Xander doubted he'd given much of a performance. "Now I'm gonna have a word with her, but in the meantime, let's hear it for Justininian the Warlock. He's here to catch a lead on his lady love, and he's got a song about finding love in all the strangest places. Make him feel welcome!"

Xander and the Host moved off to the side, a small table next to the stage, partially closed off by curtains that weren't completely closed. He saw someone else getting onto the stage - a human, or a demon that looked like one, wearing the kind of fancy-looking robes that Xander sometimes saw on the D&D kids back at Sunnydale High. Jonathan and some of the others. He didn't have a pointy hat, at least, so it wasn't completely ridiculous.

"So... how exactly does this work?" Xander asked the Host, as they sat down. "The people who told me about this place... they were a little vague on what exactly you do."

"I put people on their paths. It's not a simple thing where I can tell you the winning lottery numbers, or anything like that," The Host explained, sipping on a red cocktail with ice in it. "I see what I see, based as much on what's occupying you and your thoughts as anything else. I see where you've been, and where you're supposed to be going. And... well, I saw quite a doozy, Xander."

Xander let out a breath. "Yeah, I suppose that was to be a given."

"It's a heck of a mess you ended up in, and I can't say I blame you for being upset about it. So let me start you off with the news you expected: There's no easy way you're going back to being a guy, physically speaking. At least nothing you'd be okay with." The Host explained, his tone sincere, friendly, and a bit detached, describing things, but not ascribing any real value to it.

"I figured, but thanks for confirming it, I guess," Xander frowned, biting his lip. "So... I mean..."

"I can't tell you exactly why you felt like you had to come to L.A." The Host warned. "But I can tell you that you'll be seeing a lot more of your ex and your favorite vampire with a soul and mine."

Oh shit... That was not the sort of thing Xander liked to hear.

"And between you and me, how exactly did you let her get away from you?" The demon went on to ask, leaning in a bit, an eager, almost gossipy look on his face. "Cordy is a one-of-a-kind woman."

"You saw my past, and you didn't see the part where I'm kind of a thoughtless idiot?" Xander answered, bitterly. He looked down at the table, kind of wishing he had his own drink. But it would take a lot more to actually feel much from drinking, in this body, and he didn't actually know how much it could handle.

He didn't feel like testing it. Beer bad. Sure, he wouldn't go all cave-Slayer, but still. Just a bad idea.

"Besides," He laughed, scornfully, "I mean... yeah, Cordy's one of a kind, but..." Xander trailed off. Yeah, Cordy wasn't exactly flawless herself, but that wasn't what broke you up, or why you did the extra-curricular smoochies with Willow. In the end, breaking up with Cordelia had led to Anya, and Xander loved Anya, and he wouldn't trade her away but -

He did have a lot of regrets about how things had gone with his ex.

"Beating yourself up with guilt forever isn't healthy, and since you are going to be hanging around her a lot, over the next while, you may want to come to terms with yourself on that." The Host advised. He held up the hand with his drink, one finger extended, to ward off Xander interrupting him. "There's something coming, down the road. I don't know what it is, but I know that it involves Angel. And he's going to need your help."

"Me? Really? I mean - the only person Angel would want to ask for help less would be Buffy. And that's for a completely different reason." Xander countered. "And I don't really want to help him." I mean, I - okay, I'm probably not going to dance on his ashes or anything, I don't actually hate him enough for that anymore... but-

The green demon shrugged a little. "I can only tell you what's ahead for you, I can't make you do anything. But you're both on the same side, and you didn't have to fight demons and vampires all over when you left your hometown." He stood, and Xander did as well. "Either way - good luck."

Xander nodded. "Thanks. I think." they both moved out of the little alcove, the Host to watch the human still singing, and Xander going over to the bar, flagging down the bartender.

"Coke?" The guy nodded and handed him a coca-cola in one of those fancy glass bottles. Xander looked around. It did seem that kind of place. Twisting the lid off was simple, and Xander turned, taking a sip.

Cordelia was still sitting at the table, watching him, sipping at her own drink still, nursing it really. I guess working for Angel probably doesn't pay that much. It had taken Xander a lot of nights living on fast food, vending machines and refilling water bottles from bathroom sinks to get the hang of surviving on the money you got from looting vamps and demons, or from pawning their stuff. The last few weeks in L.A. had burned through most of his money, too. Everything was more expensive here, from gas to parking (even if it was cheaper to park and then sleep in his car than just about anything else) to food.

And now I've got to stay here. Fun. That was something that didn't make much sense. His Slayer dream had been... vague. Dark, menacing shapes. A lot of them, though two that were probably women had been the main focus. A strong sense of foreboding. A room, full of people in fancy outfits, all of them dead, the doors broken down from the inside. And lots of looks at the L.A. Skyline.

No Angel. No Wesley. No Cordelia. But apparently his destiny or his path or... whatever was to hang around L.A. to help Deadboy?

Why couldn't the Slayer dream have just opened with that?Buffy's dream about the Gentlemen had been pretty specific. Why couldn't he have gotten one of those?

He watched Cordelia watching him. His ex looked... well, mostly the same, really. Not dressed in the same kind of fancy clothes she used to. They looked nice - Cordelia looked nice in them too, but that wasn't surprising. But he could tell that her outfit was cheap knockoffs, it looked like, the sort of thing she used to mock kids from, you know, not rich families for wearing.

And how can I just tell they're knockoffs by looking at her clothes? Xander sipped his coke again, the answer obvious. Being around Cordelia was making it easier to remember all the shopping trips with her, where she'd rambled endlessly about name brands and what was really high end and what people thought was high end. Most of it had passed through his head and...

"Damnit." Some of it clearly hadn't. And thinking about thing involving his relationship with Cordy always led, inevitably, to something else about it. About how it had ended.

Xander? Stay away from me. And yet, here she was, practically stalking him, and demanding answers she had no right to.

Why? Why does she care?

Sure, maybe Cordelia didn't hate him anymore, but she couldn't enjoy having him around. She didn't like him.

To hell with it. Cordelia had felt entitled to demand answers from him? Well, then he was going to give as good as he got. He'd done that for years. How hard could it be to go back to it?

He handed the bartender the money for his drink, then walked over to Cordelia's table, sitting own across from her.

"You never did explain why you cared enough to stalk me here." Xander started, before Cordelia could ask him about what the Host had said.

"I'm not stalking you!" Cordelia protested. "One place in common isn't stalking. I know you're an idiot dork, but you're not that stupid."

"I'm twice the idiot you think I am, isn't that kind of my thing?" Xander shot back. "You said you came here for me, so..." He set his drink on the table. "Why?"

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "I told you, I was curious! You may insist that you weren't joined at the hip with Buffy and Willow, but I gave it 50-50 odds I'd have been able to talk you into leaving town with me when I went to college. Then you screwed a good thing up and Daddy's tax dodging caught up with him." She added that last sentence bitterly, and Xander couldn't tell if she was more angry at him, or her dad.

Her dad's screwup did mean she lost all her pretty things, so I figure that's gotta count for something more than me?

"Why do you care? Like I said, who are you, and what have you done with Cordelia Chase?!" It wasn't like he thought some demon was wearing her skin - though given everything, he couldn't be sure - but... why?

Why does she care?

Cordelia stared at him a long moment, then let out an angry, brief sigh, pushing her drink away from her. "I was curious, Xander. Why was I curious? PTB help me, I have no earthly idea, and I really wish I wasn't. I don't hate you anymore, but I was perfectly fine to not think about you pretty much ever, and now this happens." She gestured towards him, or maybe more towards his body, given the way the gesture moved up and down his torso.

"Me having Faith's body?"

"You having Faith's body, being a Slayer... and looking like Faith's less slutty, kinda butch twin sister." Cordelia grumbled. "So yeah, it's hard not to be curious, okay?"

"I look butch?" Xander raised an eyebrow, wondering how to take what she'd just said. Or what it meant. The first part was simple enough - Xander did not enjoy attention the way Faith did, and he really, really, really hated getting catcalled.

No one does, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Anya pointed out in the back of his head, and Xander bit his lip. Okay, that was true, but he was still a straight guy in his head, so guys hitting on him was really not fun.

Impossible to avoid, because Faith's body would probably look sexy in a parka and hood, but he at least was trying to avoid it as much as possible.

Butch? Xander knew the term, sorta, but? Something something a lesbian that dressed and looked like a guy? I mean, I guess that sorta counts, since I don't wear... makeup and dresses and heels and stuff? But all of the clothes he was wearing, all of the clothes he owned were from the women's departments or from stores that only sold women's clothes. Buffy, in her well-meaning shopping trips had dismissed anything else, and Xander hadn't fought her on it, at the time.

And... I mean, I guess I am... actually a lesbian, huh? Xander hadn't ever actually used the word to describe himself, and it still felt like a very, very weird fit, because... I mean, I'm not actually a woman, so how can I be lesbian? And yet.

"I said 'kinda'." Cordelia corrected, rolling her eyes and sighing in exasperation. It was a very, very familiar look from her.

And still hot. Damnit Xander.

"You're not wearing the right clothes for it, but they're definitely not femme." Cordelia continued "And you don't walk or carry yourself like most girls, which adds to the butch energy."

Femme? Xander didn't think he'd heard that word before, but he could guess from the context. He sipped as his coke again, using it as an excuse to not say anything. He hadn't actually listened to Tara and Willow talk about... lesbian culture, or the gay community or anything, or asked them about it.

I probably should have... Xander wished that whole 'you're technically a lesbian' thing had occurred to him sooner. But then, as he'd told the Host, he was kind of an idiot, so...

But it seemed weird that Cordelia seemed to have such a clear idea, or talked about things like...

"Wait," Xander couldn't even believe he was asking this, even as the thought was occurring to him, he knew it had to be bullshit. Right? "Are you... are you gay? I mean, are you-"

"No, I'm not a lesbian," Cordelia said firmly, dismissing the question with another roll of her eyes. Xander felt a momentary flash of what felt like disappointment - why? - but at least he was right that the whole thought was bullshit.

"I'm bi." Cordelia went on, and Xander did a double take, staring at her. He cleared his throat.

"Bi?" He closed his eyes a moment, taking a breath, letting it out. He was not going to let his brain go anywhere with that. Not right now. Or, you know. Ever. Hopefully. Cordelia was very much off limits for his brain.

"Yeah, you know. Batting for both teams, swinging both ways? Even you can't be that stupid. I like guys and girls." Cordelia explained, staring at him like he was an idiot. So... pretty much the same as before, but more.

"I know what it means, I was just - I mean, I never guessed Willow was gay, so obviously I -" Xander cut himself off, feeling his cheeks turning red. "Uh... congratulations? I think? Or -"

"I don't care what you think about it, it's who I am." Cordelia snapped, and Xander held up his hands.

"I wasn't - I mean - shutting up now." Xander dropped his head into his hands and let out a long breath, trying to will the blood out of his cheeks so he wasn't so flushed. It didn't feel like it was working, though.

But he still didn't really understand why Cordelia was so curious. But she... didn't really either.

"Well, I have some bad news for you," Xander finally said, pulling his hands away and looking up. "Apparently, I'm not supposed to be going anywhere."

"Figures!" Cordelia scoffed, "First they give me the visions that split my head open, and now the PTB are sending my ex to L.A."

PTB? That was the second time Cordelia had mentioned... that. What were those?

Later.

"So... what's the verdict? Some big bad you're supposed to slay? A Sunnydale-style apocalypse? I mean, if it's that one, we have until May, given how much those showed up like clockwork."

"It wasn't that specific," Xander shook his head, frowning. "Just that... something was coming. Something that Deadboy would need my help with." If I'm going to be hanging around him so much, I should probably get used to not calling him that. And probably stop hating him so much.

It wasn't like he was still jealous over Buffy, and he did get that Angelus and Angel were different. At this point, Xander was self-aware - even if only after years of being oblivious - enough to grasp that hating Angel was as much habit as anything else.

"That's it?" Cordelia made a 'eugh' sound, frustrated and annoyed. "When he helped Angel, he was a lot more specific."

"Well, I guess I'm special then," Xander let out a breath, tongue between his lips as he did so. He didn't see any need to share the bit about getting past feeling guilty over Cordelia. Especially not with Cordelia. "But yeah. That was it. Nice and vague."

"Well, I guess it's good you gave Wes your number then." Cordelia considered.

"Do you really think he'll call if he needs my help? Will he even admit it?"

"Angel's a lot less petty than you are about things, so... yeah, I think he will." Cordelia confirmed. "He'll do anything to save a life, and if that means asking for your help... he'll do it."

"Good to know." Xander sighed. "And I guess... I'll keep my ears open. In case I hear anything. Or if I get a more specific Slayer dream." He glugged down the rest of his coke, standing back up when he was done. "But if I am gonna stick around in L.A. I'm gonna need to find job, and a place to stay when I'm not slaying." And Alexandra Turner doesn't have a lot of options. He looked around the bar, wondering if there was a bouncer position open here. It would be a way to hear about things. If demons or vamps were up to something.

But after a moment, he rejected it. It was one thing to be cool with being around harmless demons. Felt weird, but... sure. But vamps without souls? Plus, this place was probably busiest during prime Slaying hours.

"Do vamps order Pizza to get their dinner to come to them in L.A.?" It would be convenient, to go with that again. He had that on his 'resume'. Do I actually need to write one of those? What else was he qualified to do, that he could do? Waiting tables? Some kind of job that was just heavy lifting - but then he'd have to convince them he could actually do it, and put up with the people there...

You're going to deal with that shit no matter where you work though? Again, that sounded a lot like Anya's voice there.

"Not like they did in Sunnyhell," Cordelia shook her head. "I've heard about it happening a few times, and I did get a vision about a delivery girl about to become lunch to a bunch of vamps, but... vampires in L.A. like to blend in, usually."

"Vampires... blending in." Xander frowned, "How does that exactly work?" It made sense - L.A. wouldn't have the completely co-opted police force and city government Sunnydale had had until the death of the late, unlamented Richard Wilkins III. And whatever else it was that made people so willing to think 'bbq fork accident' made sense as a cause of death.

But still. How did that work?

"Well, there's always the ones that are Hollywood producers," Cordelia offered, frowning a moment and then she shook her head, "Homeless people, poor neighborhoods, runaways... there's a few places where people can go and pay a vampire to suck their blood."

Xander cleared his throat. "What?" Just hearing that made him want to gargle with bleach in the hopes of getting the thought out of his head. What, is it like those stupid goth kids Ford tricked into thinking vampires were 'the lonely ones'?

"Oh yeah." Cordelia confirmed. "Wesley told me about them after we had a client get blackmailed with pictures of himself at a demon brothel." Xander's disbelief must have shown on his face, because Cordelia laughed, and gestured at the various patrons of the bar. Some were obviously demons, but some... they did kind of look like people wearing makeup, or a prosthetic forehead thing, like on Star Trek. Which I guess makes L.A. a great place for demons to hang... Xander realized.

"Some demons look pretty human, or are part human." She looked almost upset for a moment, and then it was gone, and Xander wasn't sure if he'd imagined it. "So yeah, there's a brothel where people - mostly guys - can go and pay for sex with a demon because digusting men can't just save their bullshit for just one species."

"Weren't you hoping to be some rich guy's trophy wife, at one point?" Xander countered, unable to help himself. "Wasn't that half the goal in your quest for superstardom?" Stop it! He bit back the 'how is that working for you?' at the last minute. It wasn't like he wanted to needle her he -

"It was a better plan for my future than yours!" Cordelia countered, a familiar fire in her eyes. "And it's hardly the same thing as being a prostitute!" She stood, staring him in the eye. She was actually a bit taller than him now, but only by a bit. But looking up that bit to meet her eyes was...

Well, it was different.

"But seriously, how was your life working out for you before this happened, hm, Xander?" Cordelia snapped. "Still living in your parent's basement, right? Dating the pathetic ex-demon girl who was so desperate to go to prom she was willing to pick you-"

"Don't even think about going after Anya, Cordy," Xander didn't even realize it, but he'd closed the distance between them, right up in her face. "You want to attack me for... everything? Sure, fine, I deserve it. But Anya did nothing to you, and -" Xander pulled away as he realized he'd balled a hand into a fist.

"Just make sure that your boss calls if he needs help," Xander felt like he was snarling the words out, though that was probably just his imagination as he tossed the bottle into a garbage can halfway across the bar, before heading for the exit.

Goddamnit Xander. Just - shut up. This was why it was a bad idea to be around Cordelia. It wasn't even the guilt, though that wasn't nice. It was just... so easy to fall into old patterns. And she gave as good as she got, and next time she could be the one to start it, but then it would be back to the races.

And yeah, it didn't feel good to basically be Anya's 'my only choice is you' for prom. Xander had stopped holding that against Anya a long time ago, but -

Cordelia had no right to badmouth Anya like that.

Still steaming, Xander slammed the door behind him as he left the club with enough force that he was pretty sure he saw cracks forming in the thing.

Not my problem.

He stalked down the street until he got to his car and got in, driving off - no destination in mind.

I need a job, but what? He couldn't get a job that got in the way of slaying too much, and it wasn't like he was in a position to be all that choosey or demanding about scheduling, so he'd probably be stuck with a graveyard shift usually.

That had worked in Sunnydale, given how many vamps ordered pizza and blood delivered together. But would it work here? And then there was actually paying for a place with that money. Rent in Sunnydale was comically low.

Not so much in L.A. Xander was guessing.

Stomach rumbling, Xander passed through the first drivethru he could find. It was McDonalds, and he ordered ten different things off the dollar menu - biggest bang for his buck, food wise. Handing over some bills, Xander unwrapped a burger as he looked for a parking lot. He'd been lucky that no one had called the cops on him sleeping in the back of the car yet, but...

Once he found a parking lot that seemed full enough and large enough he had a good chance of getting lost in the shuffle, he parked in as remote a spot as he could, eating his food, and thinking on... everything.

Stealing from vamps and demons hasn't worked here, at least not as much when I was on the road. Cordelia was right - vamps blended in better. They didn't just attack any random person they could. Homeless people, poor neighborhoods, runaways... People who wouldn't be missed, in other words.

Wait.

Oh god... so that's-

Sunnydale didn't have a whole lot of black people, but Xander wasn't completely ignorant of racism being a thing. Willow had a lot to say on the injustice of it all, and it did come up in some of the comic books - Falcon, Luke Cage, Black Lightning the most, that he'd read. A few other arcs in other hero's lines had explored it too.

So Xander knew at least in theory how black people were more likely to be underprivileged... and more likely to be ignored by cops and the government in general. Which would make them prime targets for vamps, right?

Which was probably what Cordelia's friend Charles Gunn was all about. Vampires preying on his community, he started hunting them back. And without superpowers. Xander had to admit it was impressive.

Point, though, is that I should just... what, go looking for a bunch of poor people to save? It was a start, at least. And unless he was lucky enough to run into and slay one of those 'Hollywood Producer vamps' that Cordelia had mentioned - talk about bloodsucking parasites - it wasn't like he was going to be able to afford much better than that anyway.

Way to sound like someone who actually cares about saving people's lives, Xander. He sipped at one of the sodas he'd gotten, thinking. It was the start of a plan, anyway.

Letting out a long breath, Xander pulled out his cell phone. He owed Anya a call, especially now that he had some sort of answer as to why he had been drawn to L.A. by the Slayer dreams.

He dialed her number, hearing it ring. He was halfway through rehearsing the message he'd leave on her machine when she picked up the phone.

"Hello, Anya Jenkins speaking. If this is a sales call, please know I'm not interested in spending my money on whatever substandard product it is you want to sell me."

"It's me," God I miss her, Xander couldn't help but smile though, at his girlfriend's - ex-girlfriend's - words.

"Xander," Anya answered. "Are you still in L.A.? Have you been -"

"I'm still in L.A." Xander interrupted. He didn't know what Anya's next question was going to be, but it was probably going to be sex related. Now that they were broken up, she seemed to take pleasure in suggesting he go into a gay bar and have a one-night stand with a woman. He couldn't tell if she actually wanted him to do that, or just liked hearing him react.

"But... at least I know why I'm here." Xander summarized how he'd ended up running into first Cordelia, then Wesley and Angel, and how they'd directed him to Caritas, and the demon who could read his destiny.

"I've never heard of a demon that could do something like that." Anya considered. "Demons that can see the future, yes. The ones that actually have anything useful to share are hidden in hard to get dimensions or behind gates that take a lot of money or something else valuable to get by." She made a 'hmm' sound. "And this demon is just... doing it for free? Is he stupid, or a fraud?"

"Some people do like helping people just because," Xander reminded Anya. He doubted the guy was a fraud. How else would he have known about... Xander being Xander? And about his past with Cordelia. It wasn't like Cordelia was likely to advertise their failed relationship.

"Yes, because they're being stupid about it. You and Buffy should still charge people once you save their lives." Anya countered. She laughed, "You're regretting not asking the Council for a salary now, aren't you?"

Xander wanted to say he wasn't, but even as he inhaled sharply, rubbing one hand over his eyes, He couldn't deny it. "Yeah, I am. But not enough to charge people for saving them."

"I'm not saying you don't save someone who can't pay, or anything, but people do tend to be more grateful once you save their lives, so you could just charge them then."

"That's not really how the whole 'hero' thing works," Xander explained. Again.

"Angel makes it work. He's got a detective agency, which means he charges his clients." Anya pointed out.

"Yeah, and? 'Angel does it' isn't a great way to make me think it's a good idea, Ahn," Xander laughed. "And I don't think he'd just ask some random person he saves from a vamp in an alley for money either." This could go on for a long time, and Xander didn't have infinite minutes. "But speaking of Angel... apparently he's why I'm here."

"Angel is your destiny?" Anya snorted.

"No!" Xander nearly shouted. "I mean - according to the demon at the karaoke bar, my... 'path' is that I need to be on hand to help Angel with something. Some big evil that's coming down the line. So... I'm sticking around L.A. for a while."

"You don't sound particularly happy to have an answer."

"Well, the answer sucks," Xander explained. "But I also ran into Cordelia again at Caritas, and that was the kind of fun that isn't."

"Well, you did cheat on her, she has every right to still be angry at you." Anya pointed out, and Xander shook his head.

"She - I mean I'm sure that's one reason she's not thrilled to see me, but we mostly made up when she left Sunnydale." Xander let out a breath. "We just... don't get along. Every time we ran into each other before we got together, we were always needling each other, and old habits die hard."

"And you don't like doing it now because you still feel guilty."

Yes, Anya, let's rip that band-aid off. For all that his girlfriend often looked like an oblivious, tactless person to someone who didn't know her...

She really wasn't.

"If I say not guilty enough to regret how it led to me dating you, will you be upset?" Xander changed the topic a little. The Host's advice or not, unpacking how he felt about how things had gone down with Cordelia was not on his to-do list.

"I did quite like dating you," Anya agreed after a moment. "And if things do get better, I would like to do it again." Her confirmation of that was nice. "So... I won't get upset with you over that." She added.

"Thanks," Xander exhaled slowly. "But... that's where things stand. Deadboy's got my number if something comes up he needs help for, and Cordelia knows I'm there to help." Just have to hope they both keep that in mind. Xander was pretty sure Angel wouldn't be thrilled about asking for his help. "Anything interesting happen in Sunnydale since Harmony tried to kidnap Dawn?"

"Well, actually, yes." Anya started, and then went on to explain how Giles had been hit by a magic ray by a demon named Toth, which had split him into... well, an even more book-obsessed and 'aggressively English' version of himself, and well, the teenage rebel he'd been. And apparently the few things they'd heard about 'Ripper', or seen during the band candy incident had only been the tip of the iceberg. Anya only summarized things 'Ripper' had gotten up to during the time they'd split apart, but they sounded both hilarious...and horrifying.

Buffy and Dawn did not need to know that Mrs. Summers had sex with Giles on the hood of a police car during the whole band candy thing...

Ripper had had no problem with telling everyone that.

In the end, Willow and Tara had managed to merge them back together, and Giles was Giles again, but it was... a bit awkward.

Makes sense.

"As for the rest... the usual, really. Bbq fork accidents, animal attacks, Buffy dusting vampires, Willow and Tara casting spells. That sort of thing." He could just tell Anya was shrugging as she said that. "Dawn is tolerable in small doses, and she likes hearing stories about men suffering, so I don't mind when Joyce pays me to babysit her."

"But the money is the best part?" Xander already knew the answer.

"Of course." Anya confirmed. "I am hoping to find a better job than the one I'm stuck with. I'll never develop an adequate investment portfolio at my current salary."

"Well, if Buffy's not going to charge people, maybe you should." Xander teased.

"I'd love to, but I don't think Buffy would like it. And keeping the Slayer friendly is worth quite a lot anyway."

"There is that." Xander agreed. He let out a long breath. "I miss you, Ahn."

"I miss you too, Xander." She said back, voice soft. "Stay safe, and take care of yourself. You're still not allowed to die. Goodbye."

"I know." Xander chuckled. "Bye," he hung up, the 'I love you' he wanted to add still on his tongue. They weren't dating anymore. It... it was wrong to add that. True as it remained.

Xander let out a long breath, staring ahead. It was still the afternoon. Late afternoon at this point, but still. Afternoon.

Xander finished up the last of his food from McDonalds and threw out the bag, wrappers and empty cups and holders, returning to his car and letting out another breath. He checked his supplies. Plenty of bottles of water - easy enough to refill those anyway - and assorted snack foods that would keep. Twinkies, jerky, dried fruit, chips... nothing super filling, but it was there.

He looked at his remaining money, groaning. So close to broke. And I need to go to a laundromat soon too. Fun.

Xander pulled out one of his comic books, opening it and starting to read it. He'd only taken his favorite, the ones dearest to him, asking Willow to hold onto the rest of his - small, compared to some of the other comic book nerds he'd known growing up - collection. He could practically recite this entire issue in his sleep, but it was still fun.

But because it was one he was so familiar with... his brain decided to keep reflecting on his talk with Cordelia. A few specific parts, actually.

After a while, Xander set the comic down, unable to focus anymore.

Really wish I'd listened to Willow or Tara talk about the whole... gay, lesbian... thing. Not that they'd actually talked about it in detail much, but he'd also never asked.

With the Host's unsurprising - but unwelcome - warning that he wasn't getting out of this body anytime soon... probably ever...

Xander had to start thinking in terms of...

I'm Alexandra Turner for the rest of my life. And Alexandra Turner was... well, him.

"I'm lesbian."

It still felt weird to say it. The word itself was... well, sue him, but yes, Xander thought the idea of two girls getting it on was hot. He'd just never imagined himself as one of them.

But what did it mean?

Yes, part of Xander wanted to do what Anya kept suggesting - find a gay bar, find an attractive woman, go back to her place and...

Not that I can flirt to save my life. And it wasn't like Xander actually had a lot of experience with sex. Or relationships, for that matter.

And that was the thing, wasn't it?

I don't want - I mean, I do, but...

His thoughts went back to what he said when Anya had propositioned him in the basement last year. - what you're talking about, well - and I am actually turning into a woman as I say this - but it's about expressing something

Xander barked a hollow laugh. "Given my luck, and Sunnydale, maybe I ended up like because I said that."

And that was the thing. I'm a lesbian now. But he still didn't want to just...

God, you're pathetic, Xander. He wanted more than just sex.

Leaving aside all the problems Xander would have actually picking up a girl at a gay bar - including not being 21 and his ID saying as much - he... wanted to actually... date. And he didn't even have the first clue how dating when you were gay worked. It had to be different from dating a woman when you were a guy, right?

And then, like getting hit in the head by a baseball bat, it occurred to Xander he did have someone he could ask. Two someone's actually.

Tara's known she's into girls longer, right? So she might know more. But she might also be more hesitant to talk about it. Tara had always come off as very private - he didn't know much about her, still other than she was a witch, and she seemed very, very in love with Willow.

Damn. Really shit friend to Willow there, huh?

Xander pulled up his phone, checking his minutes. He could afford a call. They might be in their dorm.

He dialed, and he was rewarded by Willow answering the phone on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey Willow," Xander greeted.

"Xander!" He'd only called Willow or Buffy a few times, compared to calling Anya more regularly. "I was hoping you'd call, I think I-" she started, and then she paused, and Xander heard Tara's voice in the background, but he couldn't make out what she said. Willow cleared her throat. "Sorry, right, you don't-" she let out a breath. "How are you?"

"I'm okay." Xander wouldn't call that a lie. "And I know why I'm in L.A." He summarized - more than he had for Anya - the events of last night, and today, leading up to his reading from the Host.

"Just because some demon says you're stuck-" Willow started. Xander cleared his throat, and Willow cut herself off. "Right. Sorry. I. I just... I know I can figure it out!"

"Maybe you can, someday." Xander tried to reassure her. "But... look, I didn't call to talk about that. I - can you put this on speaker?"

"Sure... why?" But he heard the press of a button and then he could tell he was on speaker.

"Well...I kind of want Tara's advice on this. I..." Xander took a deep breath, closing his eyes. "I - well, here's the thing. I know I'm an idiot - like, world class idiot - but... how did it not occur to me sooner that I - that I'm technically a lesbian now?"

There was a long pause, almost complete silence, then.

"Well, I mean, Xander, you're not technically - I mean, you're not actually a woman..." Willow started, and Xander rolled his eyes, moving one hand to his chest.

"I don't know Willow, the boob I'm grabbing right now would beg to differ." He thought he heard Tara laugh softly in the background, but he wasn't sure.

"I mean - yes, Xander, you have a woman's body but you - it's not like you're trans or anything, you still think of yourself as a guy." Willow sounded exasperated, as if she thought he was being difficult on purpose.

Don't I wish I was.

"Yeah. That's true. But as far as the entire world is concerned, I'm not a guy. And I don't feel like spilling the sad story of how I ended up like this to everyone I meet." Xander explained. Then he frowned. It wasn't -

"Look, okay, so... after I was done with the demon Host guy - Cordelia was there at the karaoke bar. We talked. Argued. But before the arguing, she said I looked like Faith's 'less slutty, kinda butch twins sister.' " He tried - and failed - to mimic Cordelia as he said that part.

"Well... I - I suppose you do look a bit butch," Tara confirmed. "With the hair and - and the no makeup, and the way you carry yourself." She was hesitant, even with the speaker phone she was speaking quietly, but she seemed to speak a bit more clearly and firmly as she went on. "Do you - did it bother you?"

"No, not really." Xander shook his head. "I mean... it never occurred to me, but I don't mind being called it. Of course, it didn't occur to me because what little I knew about the word was 'lesbian that looks like a guy' and I never thought of myself as a lesbian - even technically - until... well, today."

"That's... that's an oversimplification," Tara told him. "Butch is... it's - there's more to it, and the history of it and - it's not just dressing 'like a guy' or..." she trailed off.

"Tara's right, there's all sorts of history and - I've been reading about it when I have the time, and it's really interesting, and of course there's not actually that much written down about it because homophobia and the fact that - I mean it used to be illegal to be gay all over the country and even in some states it still is because people are stupid bigoted-" Willow's voice was getting increasingly louder and faster - and more indignant - and Xander interrupted.

"See, and that's why I called," he had to raise his voice to be heard, but then Willow stopped talking and he returned to normal volume. "I don't even have the first idea how any of this works. Being gay. The history. The... I didn't even know it was illegal in some states, so that's good to know." He paused. "But it is legal in California, right?" It sounded like it was, and hell, there was an open lesbian club at UC Sunnydale apparently, so it had to be legal, right? But Sunnydale isn't a bastion of enforcing the law.

"It's been legal in California since 1976," Willow assured him. "They even recognized gay domestic partnerships last year - it's like marriage, but not, because homophobes are stupid."

That sounded vaguely familiar, like something Willow had mentioned to him.

"Again, something I didn't really know. This is why I'm calling. It's not - I mean, Anya may be constantly encouraging me to go into a gay bar and get laid, but I'm not actually planning on that I just..." Xander licked his lips and sighed. "I suppose it's just - as long as I am technically a lesbian, I suppose I should learn more about what it means to be a lesbian. I mean I just - how do you... how does that work?"

Then Xander frowned, flushing as he realized how the question could be taken. "I don't mean like in the - you know - in the bedroom I - just - I wasn't asking about that I-" Xander cut himself off, before he dug the hole any deeper.

"You want to know what it means culturally?" Tara suggested, and Xander snapped his fingers.

"Yes, that."

"Well... the thing is, Xander..." Tara hesitated for a long moment, and he almost thought she wouldn't continue, and then she did: "there's no 'one way' to 'be a lesbian'... it's - it's more complicated than that." Tara took a breath, "It - it sounds cheesey but... everyone is gay in their own way."

Well that's the opposite of helpful. Xander opened his mouth to say as much, but Tara went on.

"But in terms of like... knowing the culture, and the history, and what words like butch and femme mean and... and stuff. You - you should start by going to a queer bookstore." Tara explained.

"Queer?" That didn't sound familiar at all.

"It used to be a slur homophobes used, but lots of people reclaimed it, and it's... it's sort of an umbrella term," Willow explained. "Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender... people who don't really feel like any of those apply, but they're not... they're not straight."

Again, another thing I knew nothing about. Xander considered.

"So I should... go to one of these... Queer bookstores and... and read a lot of books?" Xander sighed. "Can I at least get ones that have lots of pictures?" Xander didn't hate reading, but unless it was comic books or something like that, he didn't love it. At all.

"I - I'm sure there's some. There's... there's one specific one, in L.A.," Tara started. "I - I've heard about it, and it's... I'd start there. It's called Turning the Page. I - Willow, can you look up the address? Online?"

"Yeah, I can." He heard typing at a keyboard. Xander scrambled, digging through his stuff for a pen and a piece of paper and found a pen and a bit of blank paper just in time as Willow read off the address. He wrote it down on the back of a receipt.

"I - if you have questions, after I... you can call, and I'll be happy to help," Tara assured him. "But the whole topic - it's... it's a lot. More than anyone could do in a phone call."

Xander exhaled slowly. "Yeah... that makes sense." Why did you think you could just... get all the answers just like that? It made perfect sense. He looked at the address, then. "Thanks, both of you." He flushed again, "I - thanks." He said again lamely. "I'll... I'll talk to you later. Say hi to Buffy and Dawn for me?"

"You betcha," Willow assured. "Bye, Xander." Tara said goodbye as well, Xander said the same, and then he hung up.

Xander let out another long sigh, setting the phone down, and staring ahead blankly.

I'm staying put, in more ways than one. Don't like any of them, but at least I sort of have a plan now.

Kinda.

Ish.

But seriously... why does my destiny have to involve Deadboy?