Chapter 12

A/N: I own nothing.

As soon as I get home from the apple orchard, I call Claire. When she picks up the phone, I launch into the apple picking story without any preamble.

"Wow," Claire says when I finally take a moment to breathe, her grin wide. "You really like this girl!"

"Yeah, I really do," I say, sighing as I flop down on my bed. "She acts like she's afraid of everything, but I can tell she's brave."

"Well, I'm sure she's kind of forced to be with Ms. Fearless as her new best friend," Claire laughs. I've made Claire, Jake and Stella do plenty of things they didn't particularly want to in Hawaii. There's a moment of silence. "I saw Rachel today."

I still, looking away from the screen.

"I wasn't hanging out with her or anything, but…Stella was. I wasn't sure if you'd want to know." I look back at the screen and watch Claire look at me guiltily. It doesn't entirely surprise me. Even though Stella was my friend first, they got along great. I'm the one who ended things, I remind myself. And I'm the one who left. I let out a long sigh.

"Thanks for telling me…and you can hang out with her if you want to," I say, trying not to let the words pain me too much.

"I won't, but thanks," she says and then quickly changes the topic. "Jay has the worst sunburn."

We spend the rest of time talking about other things and I try to put Rachel out of my mind. She's one of the only reasons I'm actually happy to have left Hawaii. I broke up with her, but she broke my heart.

When we hang up, I let out a long sigh and stare at my phone. I'm moving on and I guess my friends are too.

I drive down the road to Emily's house, humming with anticipation. Today's the perfect day for cliff-jumping. There isn't a single cloud in the sky. The sun is hot, but not unbearable and the trees rustle gently from the cool, relieving breeze that blows through just as you get a little warm. I stop outside Emily's house right at two o'clock, my windows rolled down to enjoy the breeze. Emily pushes herself off the steps and walks to my truck with her backpack.

"You ready," I call to her as she gets closer. She swallows hard.

"Uh, I think so?" she says, her hands tucked into jean shorts that show off her long, pale legs.

"That's the kind of confidence I was going for," I say laughing as she pulls open the door, the hinges squeaking noisily. She buckles her seatbelt as I plug in the address of the state park in my phone's GPS, the automated voice telling me to drive down the street and turn right. We talk about Huckabee High for the entire drive and she gives me a crash course on the ins and outs of the school. She covers all the different social groups. Just like I suspected, Jake and his friends are the cool kids and I think at one point Emily was too. She's pretty enough to be anyways. She tells me the Seamore Squids are our sworn enemy and that only one girl on the cheerleading squad can do anything other than a cartwheel, which is impressive because we didn't have a cheerleading squad in Kauai.

"Our football team is trash," she says as if she's breaking bad news. "In fact, two of the guys who chased us at Snyder's orchard were starting varsity last year, if that's any indication. But the stands are still packed every Friday."

"That sounds cool, actually," I say when Emily tells me about the parade when they won their first game in five years.

"My school is pretty small so we didn't even have a football team."

"I don't know if it's better or worse than having a crappy team." I laugh and run a hand through my hair.

"Where do you fit into all that? What's your deal at Huckabee High?" I want her to tell me about the kiss.

"Before or after my mom died?" I glance over at Emily, surprised by her response. I want to know everything.

"I guess both," I say.

"I don't know. I guess my friends and I were always up to something, always trying to pull off some wild scheme or plotting some fun adventure. I spearheaded the eighth grade prank of filling the halls with ping-pong balls. I set three of Jake's family's chickens loose on the Huckabee field during a football game. I helped plan the best eighth grade formal Huckabee has ever had. If something happened, people used to assume I was involved somehow and they were probably right. But, now," she says, turning away from me, "it's just different. I don't like the risks anymore, I guess. It stopped feeling worth it."

I glance over at her, giving her the chance to say it all. I get the feeling she's been wanting to tell someone all of this for a long time. Her side of the story. She shrugs. "I try to keep a low profile now, but that's pretty hard to do when everybody knows everybody else. When you go from the girl who was always fun or up to something, the person everyone wanted to be around to that poor girl who's mom died."

"What about you?" she asks. "What's your plan for senior year?"

I let out a long huff of air, unsure how to answer the question. I've been so focused on the move and leaving my friends behind, I haven't really thought about it. "I don't know, I'm more a do-er than a planner. Probably just try to make a few friends, pass my classes, join the soccer team." I smile at her. "Keep a low profile."

She swats at my shoulder. "My friend Olivia plays on the soccer team," she says and I try not to roll my eyes. I don't really get the impression she's friends with Olivia and I really hope the whole team isn't like her. "Jake can probably introduce you," she adds, mumbling.

"That would be cool," I say without really meaning it.

"Make a right turn into the parking lot in half a mile," the automated GPS voice says. Emily radiates nervous energy next to me. I slow the truck as I put on my turn signal and pull into the parking lot, the sun reflecting off the sparkling water as I park.

"Are you nervous at all? For school to start?" she asks.

"Why would I be nervous?" I reply. It's school-we've literally done it our whole lives. We fall silent, peering up at the cliff, sitting with a lush green treeline. Although it's definitely not the tallest I've seen, It's a really beautiful spot and I can't wait to see the view from up there. For all its faults, I'm glad Huckabee has a state park as magnificent as this.

"Alright," I say as I turn the car off, my keys jingling. "That isn't too bad."

Emily gives me a deer-in-the-headlights look. "That's not too bad?" she chokes out. I ignore her as I climb out of the truck, leaving my flip-behind and hear Emily scrambling out behind me. I peel off my t-shirt, revealed my white, orange, and blue striped bikini top. I see Emily's eyes trail up my body slowly, her gaze inching up my stomach onto my breasts and all of a sudden, I feel oddly exposed. She's checking me out, I think for a moment before I'm distracted by Emily pulling off her own clothes and showing off a black bikini, the top barely covering her voluminous breasts. I force myself to tear my eyes away from her pale, creamy skin as she crosses her arms across her body and grin at her.

"Let's do this?"

Let's do this," she echoes hollowly. We start walking through the tree-covered trail that will get us to the cliff, the patch carefully labeled with light blue arrows on wooden signs. I lead the way, my anticipation and excitement building, my thoughts carefully away from Emily's body. I can hear her stumbling behind me and I know it's just because she's nervous. The sun feels warm on my skin and I can almost convince myself I'm home, hiking with Claire and Jay or rockclimbing with Stella. When we're about halfway up, the path becomes steep and I'm guessing we'll be at the top in less than a minute.

"Did you know your mom had a fear of heights," I ask as we walk.

"I actually had no idea," Emily says between breaths. "I was pretty surprised when I saw it on the list."

Her mom seems so different from the way people described mine. But I guess I don't really know mine, having never gotten the chance to meet her. We continue down the path, each engrossed in our own thoughts of our mothers until I stop at an arrow point upwards.

"Oh good," Emily says sarcastically. "This is the part where we ascend straight to heaven."

I roll my eyes at her, but can't help smiling. I take a deep breath and then pull myself up onto the ledge before offering a hand to Emily. Her warm hand sends a tingle up my entire arm as I help pull her up. Suddenly, the entire world falls away. I instantly feel free, a feeling I irrationally associate with being close to my mother. Everything seems so small from up here, all my worries about leaving my friends behind and my grandmother's failing health. As the stress fades, my feelings of being here with Emily intensifies in a way I can't explain. The view magnifies it as it's breathtaking, the blue of the lake, the sun high in the sky, the trees going for miles. The cliff itself is twenty feet above the water and I peer over, giddy with anticipation.

"Oh my god," Emily groans as she clutches my arm to steady herself. She looks green. "This was a terrible, terrible idea. Like, so stupid."

"It'll be fine," I reassure her confidently. "What's the worst thing that can happen?"

"Death," she says without missing a beat. "Either from impact or from stick down there we can't see stabbing through my chest. Or from having a heart attack before I even jump. Or-or-whatever! Blake, my dad only know how to cook pasta and eggs. He's done for without me."

I grab a hold of both her shoulders and lean forward, my face inches from hers. "Emily, you can do this." I look straight into her chocolate brown eyes that switch from complete panic to another emotion that I can't name, before she looks away. It doesn't escape my notice that we're close enough to kiss. "You can't obsess over the risks and the what-ifs or else you won't do anything. You'll spend your whole life five spaces short of a bingo."

Emily freezes, frown, then swings her head back to look at me. "You had me until that last bit. Five spaces short of a bingo? What does that even mean?"

"I don't know," I say. "I was going for something like if you don't even play the game, you can never win. You know?"

She bites her lip, lost in thought. I nod towards the edge of the cliff. "Do you want me to go first, double check for stray sticks?"

She gives me a weak smile, nodding, but then her expression changes to panic again and I know that unless I start, she'll never do it. "Well, that would be-," she starts but without allowing her to finish, I let go of her shoulders, turns and launches myself off the cliff at a full sprint, which in my opinion is the best way to make sure you don't hit the cliff on the way down. I pull my arms above me, in dive form, to decrease the impact when I hit the water. In the moments between the ground and the cliff and the water, time slows and I can feel individual molecules of the rushing air on my skin. In this moment, I am invincible. I fall for one, two, three, four, five seconds before softly entering the water and plunging underneath. The icy water seizes my lungs as I plunge deeper, but before I can even touch the bottom, I've stopped, clear water surrounding me everywhere. This is home, I think to myself as I kick my legs in unison and sweep the water above me until I break the surface. I can feel the grin on my face when I look at Emily, who hasn't moved since I left her and we both take a deep breath.

"No sticks. I didn't even touch the bottom.

"Oh, great," Emily says without enthusiasm.

"Come on, Em," I call up to her, bobbing up and down as I tread water. "Don't look. It makes everything worse. Just step back and take a running start."

"I don't think I can," she calls back down to me.

"Don't think. At all," I call back. "Remember the apple orchard? Trust me. If you just go, everything will be fine. The overthinking is what will hurt you."

"Oh sure," she calls back to me. "Everything will be fine."

She's thinking about it way too much and this is how accidents happen. Confidence is all you really need to do this well. I wait for long moments in the water, starting to wonder if Emily has indeed changed her mind. I half expect to see her at the edge of the water, shaking her head sadly, telling me she just couldn't do it. But Emily's brave. She was brave last weekend at the apple orchard and she'll be brave today too.

All of a sudden, I hear Emily scream the number five followed by her body launching off the cliff. After the first half of the fall, I can see Emily is starting to panic. She starts flailing her arms and is still thrashing when her body hits the water with a loud thwack. I swim over to where she landed, inwardly cringing at the sound her body made. That might leave a bruise tomorrow but I really hope Emily will think it's all worth it. She breaks through the top of the water, letting out a gasp of air, coughing.

"You good?" I ask, reaching out to lightly touch her side, the nakedness of her waist sending shivers down my spine.

"I think I lost a boob on impact," Emily says, looking down and I can't help but follow her eyes down her body. "Oh, thank god," she says, breathing a sigh of relief. "They made it."

We both laugh and swim to the shore, the water eventually getting shallow enough for us to walk on the mossy rocks. Emily stumbles and I reach out to hold her arm and steady her as we walk back to the path. We walk back to the trail up to the cliff and I'm burning to do it again. I didn't think I'd get to do this again so soon having moved to this town. I turn to look at Emily, her chicory eyes alight with awe.

"You up for round two?"

Emily doesn't answer for a second. I watch her expression turn from contemplation to exhilaration as she no doubt relives the first jump. She nodes and I can't help but grin widely. I definitely want to jump again, but I really want her to jump again too. It's crazy how much I enjoy spending time with this girl, helping her overcome her fears and become the person she wants to be.

"You going to do a flip this time?" I tease. Emily rolls her eyes at me.

"Blake, I'm honestly just trying not to give myself a permanent wedgie this time. Last jump was a close call."

I giggle and we make our way up to the top, faster this time, the excitement from the first jump fueling us as dirt clings to our wet feet. I pull Emily up onto the rock and for a moment Emily stills, taking in the view from up here. I think she was too scared the first time, because I can see the awe of the kind of place we're standing in reflected in those chocolate brown eyes. We jump for the rest of the afternoon, Emily gaining confidence. I do a flip or two once I'm fully in rhythm, but she won't try them. After a while, we sit on the cliff with our legs dangling over the edge, the sun beginning to set, bathing Emily in an orange and pink light. Emily looks absolutely radiant as she peers down in the water, no trace of fear in her expression. It's the perfect spot for a first kiss. The thought comes unbidden into my mind and I force myself to look down at the lake. The water looks perfect, light blue with the surface sparkling like crystals. Emily taps her heel against the rock underneath her and lets out a long sigh. I fight the urge to look at her again.

What is she thinking about? I wonder to myself. Her mom? Matt? Me?

"Thanks," Emily says to me and I look over at her again, the sun casting a golden glow on her face and her body.

"For not pushing you off?" I ask, reaching out to grab her arm and fake a push over the edge. She pushes me away and we laugh.

"Anytime," I say, growing more serious, thinking about just how hard this was for her. I lived my entire life trying to keep my mother's memory alive, but this is all new for her. "I think it's cool you're doing the list, Emily. Jumping off cliffs, buying books from old guys with impeccable mustaches, that you can still learn new things about your mom, still make new memories that she's a part of."

She lets out a long exhale. "Sometimes I'm afraid I'll forget things like the way she smelled or the color of her eyes or sound of her laugh. Then I have moments like today, you know? Where she feels so close, like she's been here all along."

"Well she has, in a way at least," I say with a shrug. "You're a part of her, you know? She can never be forgotten because you exist."

Emily lets out a long whistle. "That was…really deep." I nudge her.

"I've had a lot of years to think about it." I'm thinking about my first time rock climbing, Claire holding my hand as I looked at the daunting task ahead of us. I wasn't scared of the climb, not really, just scared that I wouldn't feel my mother the way I imagined. We stand up, stretching, ready to make one more jump before we head back. We count down to five together and when we yell "one," I feel Emily's warm palm grasp mine as she pulls me forward into the water. Our hands pull apart when we hit the water, leaving an empty feeling in my palm, but our eyes lock as we swim to the surface. We paddle slowly to the shore, my legs screaming in agony until we splash onto the shore, exhaustion setting in. We towel dry off before beginning the drive back to Emily's house. The sun dips into the horizon as we spend the whole drive back debating which item to go for next.

"Tattoo," I say automatically. After all, I have one in memory of my mother. I think of myself sitting in the tattoo parlor chair, Jay and Claire on either sides of me, as I got the words from my mother's letter tattooed into my skin. "Gotta be tattoo. I mean how fun would that be?"

"Uh, no," Emily says as she shakes her head. "Between today and getting chased out of Snyder's Orchard, I need a break."

She grabs a felt tip pen from my car and checks off:

2. Get over my fear of heights

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her scanning the list, looking for another item. I can see her smiling to herself.

"How about we go on a try-a-new-food picnic? Kill two birds with one stone." I pull to a stop outside her house.

"Sounds like a plan to me," I say as she scoops up her bag and unclicks her seatbelt. "I'll bring the food," I call out the window as she opens the door and hops out. My mind runs through a list of Hawaiian dishes that might be perfect for this-luau stew or croissada or chocolate haupia cream pie. "I'll text you this week to make sure it's something you've never had before."

"Deal," she calls after me, waving goodbye. She waves until I've driven off completely, disappearing from view. I don't know if it's that she's so brave or that she's going through the same pain I've gone through my entire life, but I feel different around Emily. Not only is she so beautiful, but she also treats me like an actual person. She's the first person in this town I feel like I can be completely real with. It's easy with her, like I'm back in Hawaii with Jay and Claire and Stella. I feel like I can talk about my mom again without becoming the girl who grew up in a single parent household, without it just being about pity or the grief. Emily doesn't just want to make me feel better like my friends do and she doesn't need me to share her grief and something about that makes me feel like this is different than my friends back home. When I heard that we were moving to Huckabee and going to play Bingo, I never would've guessed that this would happen. I wasn't looking for anything. But Emily makes me feel like I'm back in the game and, for the first time in a long time, I'm ready to play.