Chapter 15
A/N: I own nothing.
I meet up with Emily after she finishes work on Friday, eager for our picnic together that I've planned out entirely.
"It's not a date," I insisted to Claire as I facetimed her earlier today, cooking the spam in the kitchen. She raised her eyebrows skeptically and I could feel myself blushing. Had I considered that maaaayyyybbbeee this could be a date? Definitely. And had I considered that maybe this would end in a first kiss? Possibly. But I definitely don't want to pressure Emily and however this relationship goes, all I'm sure of is that I like spending time with this girl.
Now I sit on a checkered blanket unfurled on the grassy field just beyond the blanket, rising as Emily walks towards me in a navy sundress that fits her too well. Emily brought apple tarts from the apple we picked at Snyder's orchard and I have my square container, my fingers nervously tapping on the edges. I really hope she likes this.
"I called my grandma. The one in Hawaii. She walked me through how to make them," I say as we both sit back down. "And it's her recipe so I definitely don't think you've had this before."
When I open it, there's a tiny hiss of steam. "I think they're best if they're still warm. I pretty much wrapped the nori around them, through them in the container and floored it over here," I say as she peers down that the musubi that I've brought for us to eat. Rice and spam, wrapped together in seaweed.
"Is-Is that spam?" Emily asks. I nod, placing the container down on the blanket between us.
"Spam musubi. You kinda just-" but I don't know that I really need to explain so I pick one up, the tiny brick warm under my fingertips, and take a big bite out of it instead, the sugar mixing with the soy sauce to remind me of home. I think of sitting at grandma Akari's kitchen, eating spam musubi after middle school, Grandpa Daisuke working on a Sudoku puzzle with me. It kind of sucks having to pick between by grandparents.
"My mom would never eat something like this. She was such a picky eater," Emily says as she mimics me, reaching out to grab one. She brings it cautiously to her mouth, taking a much smaller bite. I stare at her expectantly, nervous. I want her to enjoy this food that feels like its a part of me.
"It's really good," Emily says and relief washes through me. "I think my mom would have even liked it, if she could've gotten past the seaweed. It's definitely the best spam has ever tasted."
I laugh and we dig in, finishing the rest of the spam musubi before turning our attention to the apple tarts. After, we scour the grass for four-leaf clovers as its on the list and I spot one almost immediately. A moment later, I spot another one sitting right next to it. I desperately want to ask Emily about Matt and, after a while, I convince myself that I'm asking as friends.
"So, how was talking to Matt? It, uh, didn't look like it went too well," I say after a deep breath.
"You can say that again," Emily says, letting out a long sigh. She picks another clover from the ground. She doesn't say anything else for a while and I think she isn't going to at all. I'm a little disappointed. "I just want to make things better. Kiera says I'm going to ruin our senior year if I don't and I know she's right. I'll ruin it for my other friends too and I don't know. I really feel like I can now, like the list is leading me to it. A way to make things feel right between us, you know? I just have to keep going."
That makes no sense. I spot another four-leaf clover and pick it up. "Is that why you kissed that other guy?" I ask. "Because things didn't feel right between you and Matt?"
I'm not sure if I should have brought it up, but I'm dying to know. I want her to confide in me the way she does Kiera. She whips around to face me.
"You know?"
"Yeah," I say with a shrug. It doesn't seem like it's a particularly well-kept secret and I didn't realize she didn't want me to know. "Since like the first day of work. Cassie Evans told me by lunchtime."
She's looking at me like she's expecting me to react, but I'm not sure why she thinks I'd judge her. I don't care that she did that, but I do want to know why. I just want to understand her better because I don't think that she'd do that to be spiteful or to hurt Matt.
"Yeah, it is," she says. "I've always given another excuse for our breakups, cloaked it in clinginess or needing to focus on schoolwork of Jay's flask. Never the real reason."
She shrugs. "But a lot of things haven't felt right the past three years. I haven't felt right. Not until the list showed up." She looks at me, smiling. "Not until you showed up in Huckabee and made me jump of cliffs and stuff."
Her words make me melt and I smile. I feel right to her. "Blake, you do know if you pick all of them there will be none left for me to find."
"Good point," I say, releasing the clovers back to the ground. We look around for a few more minutes, but Emily still hasn't found one. She lies back on the checkered blanket, pulling the list out of her pocket and unfolding it. She checks off:
3. Go on a picnic
4. Try a new food
I want to press her more on her relationship, find out if maybe she's thinking the same things I am. "So do you think that's the solution?" I ask, "Changing yourself?"
"Well, not exactly changing myself," Emily says. "More like becoming myself, you know?"
"Just…make sure it's for you," I say as I pluck a few blades of grass and chuck them into the wind, the both of us watching them float away. I think of Rachel for the first time in a long time and I'm surprised to find it isn't quite as raw as it once was. I think of all the things she made do that I didn't really want to, like getting drunk at parties and trying weed and I shiver. Although I can barely admit it to myself even, Rachel is one of the reasons I'm glad to have left Hawaii. "I was in a relationship before and it felt like I changed so much of who I was to fit what I thought she wanted. Like I cared more about what she thought of me than what I thought of me."
"She. You're…" I whip around to look at Emily. It had just slipped out without me meaning to tell her, but now I'm searching her face for some sign that it's okay.
"Yeah, uh gay. I'm gay. Is that-"
"Cool! Totally cool, of course," she rushes as she smoothes out the blanket between us. She's not making eye contact with me, but I know it's a lot to process. But I wonder if she's just processing that I'm gay or that she could be too. "But you're right. That's not what I want to do."
We sit in silence for a few moments, watching the clouds drift up ahead. I don't want this date to end. Suddenly, I have a plan for our next outing.
"What are you doing tomorrow night?" She lets out a long sigh and rolls on her side to face me.
"We've got a few back-to-back showings at my house, even though we haven't even found our new house yet, so absolutely nothing. Why?"
I hold up my lanyard of keys. "I'm closing tomorrow."
She looks at the list and I know she's looking at:
8. Skinny dip in Huckabee pool after hours
Emily groans and covers her face with the corner of the checkered blanket. I'm kind of glad she can't see my face right now.