"The never-ending sadness that I live with

A flavorless insanity I can't evade

I see that it's more than I can chew

But I alone hold on to all the pain I can't erase."

-Kuraiinu, Fixer

I was floating.

No, that wasn't right. I could feel the soft pull of the water, the current pushing me back and forth as my body was dragged deeper into its depths.

I was sinking.

I sank like a lead balloon. My chest was filled with water, and my lungs had long ago given up on breathing. My heart though, I could still feel it. The rest of my body was numb as I fell further away from the surface, the light above me dimming. Kelp circled me, helping to pull me down to the sea floor.

My heart was still going. Continuing its fruitless effort to pump blood and oxygen to the parts of my body that needed it most, fighting to filter out all the water.

I stared up. If I just moved my arms, kicked my legs a little, I could make it back to the surface. It would be easy. It had been just as easy to hold my breath and stop kicking. To slip under the surface like I was just another piece of debris in an ocean of trash.

I exhaled, watching the last of my oxygen float up to the surface. I closed my eyes.

Just give up, I told my heart. You can't save me.

It struggled, of course. Beating faster, more ferociously, struggling as hard as it could to keep me alive. But it needed oxygen. And that was something I refused to give it. I could feel it slowing, finally realizing it was a losing battle. I listened to my heart until it stopped, the steady lub-dub the last sound I would ever hear.

秋

"I had a bad dream, Naga," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.

I looked up, only to be met with hair that was orange instead of red.

"Finally awake, eh?" Yahiko asked, shooting me a small smile.

My head throbbed. I leaned against his shoulder. "What happened to the salamander?"

"Man, I can't believe you slept through everything," Yahiko said with a shake of his head. "Where do I start? We met these three shinobi who survived all the fighting. One of them was a jerk who said we would be better off dead, but the other two were okay." He freed a hand to reach into the pouch tied to his hip, pulling out a handful of broken crackers. "They couldn't stay, but they gave us these. I'm going to find them again. And I'll make them teach us how to fight."

I was too tired to ask about the salamander again. "Where's Naga?"

"Huh? He's back there." Yahiko turned slightly and I saw him off to the side, body angled away from us. His head was down, hair covering most of his face. I tried to turn more but moving too much made my vision swim.

"Okay," I murmured, closing my eyes.

"How can you be happy right now?" Konan asked quietly.

Yahiko stopped.

"Chibi's gone, but all you're talking about is those three."

I blinked at her empty arms. She ducked away from my searching gaze, wrapping her arms around herself. The world swayed dangerously when I leaned back, looking for Chibi around her, but he wasn't there either.

"Chibi?" I mumbled.

"I'm not happy," Yahiko said.

"You're not sad either," Konan muttered.

Yahiko stared at her, then up at the sky. "Crying won't change anything," he said. "The only way to change things is to force them to change. Just wait a little longer, Konan. I'm going to get strong. Strong enough to make sure there aren't anymore 'Chibi's'."

My head was pounding. "I want to see him."

Konan looked away. "You can't, Oka. He's not here anymore."

"Where did he go?"

Yahiko grimaced.

"He's dead," Konan said loudly.

"We were going to tell you when we got back," Yahiko added, kicking a rock. It rolled across the ground and landed in a puddle with a soft splash.

The salamander. It made the ground shake. Chibi was pulling on my shirt. I looked at the bite marks on my sleeve. Something landed next to us. Then what? I sagged against Yahiko, exhausted. It felt like everything was spinning.

"Liars," I mumbled, because Chibi couldn't be dead. Dead, like the people in the field? Or dead like the men who were swallowed whole by the salamander?

"It's true," Yahiko said. "I wanted to bring him back with us, but there wasn't much left."

Dead like the men who were swallowed by the salamander. I wouldn't find his body. And he wouldn't get back up when I passed by. "Why?" I asked him.

Why did the war take Chibi?

Konan shuddered, fists pressed against her eyes. "I wish I didn't see what he looked like after." She sniffed hard. Then there was a loud thud.

Yahiko turned. His eyes widened. Naga was face down on the ground, red pooling beneath him. "Nagato!" He ran, dropping down beside him.

"What happened?" Konan asked, helping me down as Yahiko grabbed Naga's arm and carefully rolled him over.

Yahiko inhaled. Konan covered her mouth, eyes wide. The left half of Naga's body was covered in burns. His face was swollen and a dark, blistering red. But it was worse when I looked down. Yahiko tugged on Naga's collar and I saw blackened skin for a second before Yahiko jerked his hand back. Naga's clothes were soaked red.

"Naga?" I touched his hand, waiting for him to tell me he was okay like always, but he didn't. I pulled back, and my fingers were red. I stared at them, long after the rain washed it off.

"Damn it!" Yahiko punched the ground, ducking his head. "Why'd you have to go and lie, Nagato? You said you were okay. You told us over and over and over that you didn't get hurt too bad. You didn't have to hide it." He sat back and scrubbed his hands through his hair. "We gotta get him back to the hideout. I'll take him, and you carry Oka."

So much red.

Konan stared at Naga. "What do we do?" She stood as Yahiko grunted, tugging Naga's arm over his shoulder. "He needs help. Real help."

"I know," Yahiko said. "I've got a plan."

I looked at all the red Naga left behind through my fingers.

"Okay. Let's go, Oka." Konan took my hand and forced me to my feet.

損失

I sat next to Yahiko, helping him put soft, lumpy fruit in a straw basket. My fingers dented the skin of a green one as I picked it up. Most of the food we had left was squishy on the outside and brown on the inside. Konan went out earlier, but she said that there wasn't anything left of the market.

One of the buildings fell, she'd said.

"You're not going alone, Yahiko. I'm going too."

Yahiko shook his head without looking, "You gotta look after Nagato while I'm gone. Besides, I'll be back before you know it. I'm going to find those three and bring them back here by tomorrow, promise."

I put the fruit in the basket and grabbed another one—a soggy, pruning apple.

Yahiko tied a small sheet of wood over the top once it was full. Then he pulled the straps over his shoulders and stood. I watched him smile, though his eyes were sad. "I'll look out for any apples while I'm out there. Fresh ones." He hopped over the barrier and held up a hand. "See you later, Konan."

"I'll be mad if you die!" she yelled after him.

His laugh echoed back to us, "Can't die yet. I'm still not a god."

Once I was sure he was gone, I crawled over to Konan. She was kneeling next to Naga. She put a wet, torn cloth over his forehead with one hand and wiped her eyes with the other. I put a hand flat against his cheek, the same way he always felt my forehead. He was burning up. His breathing was wet and raspy, like he had water in his throat.

"Is Naga going to die?" I asked her.

Konan looked startled. She smiled, squeezing her hands together in her lap. "Of course not. Yahiko will find those guys and they're going to fix him."

I laid down and leaned against Naga's chest, watching his face twist in pain. I closed my eyes, listening to the steady beat of his heart. He coughed, and I could hear the rattle in his lungs.

"Why does war hurt so much?" I asked.

I missed Chibi. I missed the way he would curl up with me when I was tired, how he looked like he was smiling when his tongue was hanging out. I even missed his bad dreams. I wanted to hug him and pretend that Naga was okay, but I couldn't.

Before I knew it, I was crying.

Konan patted my shoulder. "It's okay to cry. I miss him too."

I fell asleep, dreaming of the girl that was lost to the sea and the dog that would've pulled her out and given her a reason to live.

塩水

"Alright brat, who is it that needs my help?"

I stirred at the voice, sitting up. A woman ducked into the entrance of the hideout, her blond hair tied into twin tails. She gave the barrier a brief, unimpressed glance before her eyes rose, searching the room. She looked over the waterlogged crates and deflated sacks scattered around, then stopped on me. Her eyes narrowed for a second before she moved onto Konan, then Naga. Her lips pulled into a deep frown.

A man with even longer white hair followed her, stroking his chin as he took in his surroundings. And behind him-

"You took longer than a day," Konan said.

Yahiko grinned, lacing his hands behind his head. "It took a lot longer to convince these guys than I thought it would, but I still did it, didn't I?"

Konan returned his smile.

The woman strode forward and knelt beside Naga without a word. She inspected his face, her mouth twisting into a thin line. She moved her hands over his chest, and my eyes widened when her palms started to glow green.

"Hmm," the white-haired man nodded to himself, looking Konan up and down. "I can already see that you're going to grow up into a beautiful young woman."

The woman shot him a fierce glare. "Quiet, you. I can't concentrate with you hitting on little girls."

"What? I wasn't hitting on her. It was a compliment-"

Her eyes narrowed, and the man paled, holding his hands up.

I inched closer, staring at her glowing hands. I'd never seen glowing hands before. "Will Naga be okay?"

The woman sighed. "Let me work," she said.

I sat back, watching her mutter to herself as she moved down to his stomach. The glow faded, and she tugged his shirt off. Naga twisted, a gargled scream tearing out of his throat as some of his skin came off with it.

"You and you," the woman looked at Konan, then Yahiko, "Hold him down."

It was bad. Even Yahiko looked sick as he pinned Naga's right arm, Konan on his left. His left side was turning red again, the skin peeling and yellow. The area around it was shriveled. There were holes where the burns didn't heal properly.

The woman barely looked at his wounds before tugging off his pants. Naga didn't react that time, head lolling to the side.

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "This is going to take a while, Jiraya."

"Hm?" Jiraya paused in the middle of rummaging through our stolen goods. "Take as long as you need. As long as I get to hang around a bunch of pretty ladies then I'm just fine-"

He toppled over as a crate abruptly smashed into his face.

"Ignore him," the woman said, cracking her knuckles. She stretched her fingers, hands glowing again as she pressed her palms against Naga's chest. His arm spasmed.

"What's wrong with him?" Yahiko asked.

"He has a bad infection. Fluid in his lungs," she said tersely. "And he'll die if I don't concentrate on what I'm doing."

I slipped a hand between them and grabbed Naga's fingers. You'll be okay, I thought.

悲しみ

"Here, Oka. You should eat."

I blinked at Yahiko, then the apple he held out. I was tired, even though I just woke up. I could see a tiny version of me reflected on the surface of the apple, distorting the more he moved his hand.

"What's wrong? I promised you a fresh apple, right?"

I grasped at it but couldn't reach all the way, so Yahiko lowered his arm. It was hard and cold. Naga was always the one to bring me apples. I hugged it to my chest and closed my eyes.

"What happened to him?" the woman asked. She said her name was Tsunade.

"A paper bomb," Yahiko said.

"We got too close to the fighting. Nagato was the only one who saw it," Konan quietly added.

"That's why you've gotta help us get stronger. So this never happens again."

"You've got quite the ambition, eh?" Jiraya asked. "But let's just focus on your friend first, alright?"

"I am focusing on him," I heard dirt crunch under Yahiko's heel as he turned. "He was only hurt because we're weak and slow. We have weapons, but they're no good to us since we don't know how to use them. We can't defend ourselves. We can't put up a fight. That's why you need to train us. So we can become strong enough to end this war."

Jiraya whistled, "Those are some big dreams, kid. It won't be as easy as you think it is, you know."

"Doesn't matter," Yahiko said. "I'll do it."

"And how do you expect to do that? A lot of people have tried and failed."

"With my friends," Yahiko answered. "They'll help me become a god of peace. Then I'll free everyone from the burden of war."

Jiraya was quiet for a long while. "Let's talk about this in the morning, yeah?" He yawned, loud and exaggerated. "It's too late to make a decision like that now."

"Why are you helping us?" Konan spoke up.

"What kind of medic-nin would I be if I ignored a dying child just because they were from a different village? That blood would be on my hands," she snorted. "We're not even at war with Ame. If I didn't help, what would make me any different from all the other shinobi that come here dragging this village into a battle it has nothing to do with?"

Shi-no-bi, I recited, committing the word to memory.

"What if it was a trap?" Konan asked.

"Then I'd kick the ass of the adult who dared to use a child like that. Anything else?" she asked, her tone making it clear she was done answering questions.

Jiraya coughed lightly, "That was almost treasonous, Tsuna."

"Oh, shove it up your ass," Tsunade hissed back at him.

スタンド

I reached out, but stopped short of touching Naga. My fingers hovered over his cheek. It wasn't swollen anymore. His skin was better too. Bright pink instead of angry red. I glanced up at Tsunade. She let me watch, if I didn't touch him.

Sweat covered her forehead, her breathing just slightly uneven. Her hands were glowing over his left leg, which was still covered in pockets of yellow.

"What's that?"

Tsunade looked at me, so I pointed at her hands. She looked surprised, then a little sad. "Chakra."

Chak-ra.

"And it's making Naga better?"

"It is."

Tsunade was in a good mood today. If she didn't want to talk, she would've said so. I watched her use chakra, and after a while the yellow started to fade.

"Who are you to him?" Tsunade abruptly asked.

"Sister," I answered, slow and careful. It had been a long time since I used that word. I wasn't sure if I pronounced it right.

Tsunade nodded to Konan, "And them? Are they your family too?"

"No," Konan said for me.

At the same time, Yahiko gave the opposite answer.

"Well, they're my best friends," he admitted after a quick glance at Konan. "But Oka's the closest thing I have to a little sister. And who said family had to be the people you're related to, anyway?" he grumbled.

Tsunade sat back, the chakra vanishing. "I'm taking a break," she announced. "I could really use some sake right about now," she sighed.

"How much longer?" Jiraya asked.

"Until I'm done. Go back and annoy Orochimaru if you're bored," Tsunade answered with a scoff.

"And miss out on this view-?" Jiraya received a swift sack to the chest before he could finish. A few bruised oranges rolled out and made a mess on the floor.

Konan made a noise of dismay.

Tsunade paused at the wasted food, regret flashing in her eyes. She shook her head and turned her stare on me. "You. Come here."

I blinked but obeyed, pushing off the ground. I was a little dizzy as I moved to stand in front of her but managed to stay still as she grabbed my arm. She felt my forehead with her other hand. Looking up, I could see a faint glow. Her chakra tickled.

"Just as I thought." She pulled back. "You have fevers? Chills?"

I nodded. I knew I had fevers because Naga said so. But I didn't know what 'chills' meant.

"Something wrong?" Yahiko asked, hopping off the crate he'd been sitting on.

"You have too much chakra," Tsunade said, flat out ignoring him. She tapped my chest. "To be more specific, too much spiritual chakra. I felt it the first time I saw you, but I couldn't believe it was coming from such a tiny brat. For most people, it takes years and years of practice and meditation to build up this much."

I tilted my head. "Spiritual chakra?"

"You were unlucky enough to be born with it," Tsunade went on as if I didn't speak. "No wonder you spend all your time sleeping and being sick," she snorted. "Your body is not meant to hold the amount of spiritual chakra you have. Not without intense training."

She poked my stomach next. "Right now, you're not producing enough physical chakra to balance it out. Not by a long shot. That's why your body keeps breaking down. You're not strong enough to keep all that spiritual chakra contained. It's overflowing from your chakra network. Once you start producing more physical chakra, the fevers and fatigue will lessen."

She took one look at my blank expression and sighed, "You might not understand it now, but you will one day. There won't be anyone to tell you once I'm gone, so it's better you know now. Don't forget it." She waved me away. "Oh, and you have a mild concussion."

Yahiko threw up his hands. "See? This is why you should train us. I didn't understand any of that."

I stared at my hands. Was spiritual chakra green too? Or was it a different color? How many colors of chakra were there?

I didn't notice Jiraya in the back, watching me with keen eyes.

A/N: 秋 - Fall, 損失 - Loss, 塩水 - Saltwater, 悲しみ - Sorrow, スタンド - Stand