It was over a year since CC and Niles had last met. After sending flowers for what would have been their wedding anniversary, he had sent a smaller, classy bunch for her birthday. He had tried to phone her on that day, but she never picked up, and he wasn't sneaky enough to call her from an unknown number – what for? It seemed childish and stalkerish. She took the flowers and put them straight in the bin.

More recently, for what would have been their second anniversary, he had just sent two roses. CC was there to receive them personally, the receptionist being away on a break, and she just refused to accept them from the delivery boy. She just told him to keep them, give them to his girlfriend, feed some pets with them, gift them to a homeless lady, anything, she didn't care.

Meanwhile, CC had created for herself an even more iron-clad routine, where she could go through the motions without thinking too much. Work, more work, therapy, long angry runs, ice cream, Prozac, not enough sleep and then too much sleep, some booze - she had started drinking again - but usually not enough, chain-smoking, more work, more Prozac. Quick business trips to LA: flight, airport, office, overnight hotel, meetings, airport, flight, home.

Her birthday was approaching again, and this time she was starting to feel unsettled – which in turn was ruining her perfectly crafted routine as thoughts and feelings were creeping in, unwanted. She was about to turn 43 and, for some reason, that was affecting her. She had managed to accept her 40th much more easily, but for some reason 43 was shining in her mind like a big red danger sign. She was old, and she was alone. She had loved and lost, and while that thought somehow reassured her that she had lived, the short-livedness of her love and the horrific way she had lost it still burnt. The way she had felt discarded, like nothing, for the sake of someone who was allegedly more nothing than her. You are everything, he had said. But he didn't make her feel that way. The memory of his words from that night in her office unavoidably mingled in her mind with the memory of finding him having sex with the young blonde. Especially when she had too much to drink, the images played in her mind like a loop and drove her insane. It was an interesting way to persuade herself to drink less. If only she let herself slip and the loop started, the only way to go past it was to drink until she passed out, and the hangovers at that point started to be too much. No doubt due to her age.

To make matters worse, that year her birthday fell on a Saturday. It was always the hardest day, and when she didn't manage to give herself enough work to kill the whole day, only long runs and Prozac could make her somewhat cope. But the park was full of happy couples and happy families and that made her feel sick. She wasn't even sure she wanted that, the picture-perfect family, to be her world, but she didn't get to have the choice. And it was the very man she had married that had taken that choice away from her.

And that dreaded Saturday came, CC's 43rd birthday. She had worked until the early hours of the morning, and had therefore managed to get up very late, thus solving the problem of existing in the morning. She had gone back to reading some scripts but had decided to treat herself with some of the finest rum she could purchase. She was hoping that, keeping her mind on work, the booze wouldn't lead her to those disturbing images.

At some point in the middle of the afternoon, halfway through a script and almost halfway through the bottle, the doorbell rang. Oh, this is odd, she thought. I certainly don't expect anyone, and I doubt any of my family would bother to remember my birthday – why would they bother now, when they never did?

The bell rang again and, lazily, she got up to answer it.

It was a delivery boy, with a cute box wrapped in red with a rose on top. CC had a flashback to the singing telegram Niles had sent when Max and Fran had got engaged. Her blood still boiled thinking of that: firstly, it wasn't really that funny, and secondly… wasn't Niles right, then, to always imply that she would end up alone? What had possessed him to marry her?

She shook herself away from the reverie, signed for the parcel and took it in. Who the hell would remember her birthday or care about it? Only… Oh God. There was a beautiful birthday card on top of the box. She opened it and read: I know you won't forgive me. I understand. But I won't forget you. Happy birthday, Ice Queen. N.

CC tore up the card into as many pieces as she could, then took the box and threw it on the floor, away from her. It made an interesting noise. She stood looking at it, as if it was a ticking bomb – curiosity was pushing her to go and at least open it, while pride was convincing her that she didn't care. In a swift movement, she let curiosity win. Chocolate. Fine Belgian chocolates. She scoffed and moved to place the whole box in the bin… But she couldn't resist. Just one chocolate. She enjoyed the bittersweet taste of dark chocolate in her mouth. Dark, my favourite. She noticed different kinds of chocolate in the box and just had to try one more. Nuts, another one of my favourites. She closed her eyes and poured herself more of her expensive rum. She went back to the script she was reading and continued to work on it, picking chocolates out of the box every now and then. The box was emptying quickly, and concentrating on the script was difficult. She started to daydream of a different birthday, one where someone would take her out, make her feel special. Could she have had that, if Niles had just not fucked up… Fucked up, fucked someone else. Don't go there, CC… The only birthday she had while they were married did feel special, they had just moved to LA and he had cooked her a fantastic dinner and gifted her a beautiful necklace… Don't go there, CC, just don't. She pushed more chocolate into her mouth, followed by a long sip of rum.

She was sure she had tried to read the same sentence on the script at least 8 times when the phone rang. Her mobile. Niles, who else? She sighed. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. What if… On impulse, she answered the call.

"Hello."

A few moments of silence followed. Clearly, he wasn't expecting her to answer. Niles cleared his throat.

"Happy birthday, Babs."

"Thank you." She said, trying to keep her tone formal while, for inexplicable reasons, her heart was beating so fast it was taking her breath away.

"How's it going? Partying hard?"

"Sure, can't you hear the music in the background?"

He laughed. He didn't want to assume that she had just spent the last year sulking and pining for him, but the fact that she even picked up the phone made him feel like she didn't have anything, or anyone else to make that day a bit special for her.

"Listen… I am coming to New York next weekend for a Butlers Association meeting," he lied – he had just made up the meeting on the spot - "Maybe… I can take you for a post-birthday dinner? Just as a friendly catch up, no other intentions."

"What makes you think I want to see that old, ugly face of yours?" She snapped. Oh, how she wanted someone to take her out. But not him. Why him? He had cheated on her, for heaven's sake!

"The fact that you haven't put down the phone on me." Tread carefully, Niles, he told himself. It's a minefield. One wrong step and you're dead.

"I still can!" She almost shrieked.

"And you haven't." He laughed and added quickly. "Meet me on Saturday at 8pm by the side entrance of the theatre, where your office is."

"Okay…" She whispered, unsure.

"See you then, Babs. Happy birthday again."

She threw the phone away. The way he greeted her goodbye made her melt. And she had a date! With her cheating ex-husband. Great. She realised then how long it had been since she had had something, anything, to look forward to.

The following week went slowly. For the first time in a long time, work seemed tedious. She ran even more than usual to release the tension. Several times she picked up the phone to ring Niles and cancel the date (and tell him to go to hell). Yet she never did.

On Saturday, she spent an insane amount of time choosing what to wear and doing her make-up and hair. She chose an old, black dress, from the times when she didn't show off her curves very much. Somehow, she felt uncomfortable dressing sexy for him. She laughed a nervous laugh. Maybe she could just not turn up to the date, it would be so simple!

At 8 on the dot on Saturday, she was by the theatre, her stomach in knots. Why am I here? Maybe I shouldn't meet him. Maybe it was a prank and it will be him who won't turn up. It looks like it will rain and I will be here waiting like an idiot.

At five past eight, Niles still wasn't there and CC was so angry she couldn't even breathe. I've been stood up, by a cheater. Can I be more pathetic?

She made to move and get a cab home when he appeared in the distance, rushed.

Against all her will, seeing him gave her butterflies in the stomach. They had never been apart for a whole year in the last twenty-odd years, even way before their relationship. They had always been a presence in each other's life. Often more of a nuisance than anything else, but they were both always there, maybe not for each other but with each other. And he had to destroy it.

She felt the urge to run into his arms. Instead, she took a step back and leaned on the side-door of the theatre to prevent herself from doing so. When he was near enough, she pointed at her watch and greeted:

"At long last! Have the Butlers kept you this long? I bet they were more interesting than the woman that counts less than nothing."

"I'm sorry I'm late, CC. I have no excuse for making you wait."

"Yup. You never have any excuse for making me feel like the last of your priorities."

He tried to ignore her bad mood. He knew he could expect it, especially after arriving late.

"Well, I have a booking at 8:30 at a very interesting restaurant. Let's take a cab."

He fought the instinct to take her by the hand and started walking towards the main street.

CC followed, but after a few steps, her instinct and desires overcame all the anger and rationality.

"Niles?" She called out.

He turned around, a question mark on his face. She looked at him for a split second before running into his arms. He was taken by surprise, but caught on quickly and put his arms around her, unsure where to go from there.

She held on tightly. "It hurts, Niles, it still hurts so much, when will it stop hurting?"

He was too shocked to speak for several seconds.

"I don't know. Maybe when I stop feeling guilty, but that will never happen."

She almost tried to sink deeper into his arms.

"You don't want dinner, do you?" He whispered. She shook her head. "Maybe we need to talk" – he suggested – "For real, without anger, a civilised talk. What do you say?"

She nodded silently.

"Okay, let me ring the restaurant and cancel. Where should we go? It is starting to rain."

"My office." She just didn't know she could keep herself together long enough to get anywhere further than that.

As Niles made the phone call, she started rummaging into her bag for her keys. Her hands were shaking so much that she dropped the bag, emptying all its contents on the ground.

She kneeled down to pick up the keys, now visible in the small pile on the pavement right under the lights of the theatre door, as Niles put his phone away and came to her help, picking up things and helping her returning them to the bag. It was odd to see the contents of her bag so long after there had been any intimacy between them. Her money purse, a small comb, a small mirror, lipstick, reading glasses (she didn't have those before), an old tampon that had probably sat at the bottom of the bag for years, lots of old receipts… an empty bottle of Prozac, and a second one, half-full.

Once the bag emergency was solved, CC hastily opened the door, turned into a corridor and turned on the lights, guiding the way to her office, which she also unlocked.

Once inside, she felt strangely safe. She didn't sit or offered a seat to Niles, though.

They stood in front of each other, looking at the floor, at the walls, furtively looking at each other and looking away when caught.

Someone had to start speaking. Niles did.

"So… how have you been?"

"Oh, fine, you know, work…"

Yes, he knew. He knew she'd overwork herself to fill the emptiness.

"How is everybody in LA? The twins must be over two years old now."

"Oh, they are such clever little kids. Very lively. Fran is very busy and I help where I can."

"Do you still live… in that house…" God, this is even more difficult than I thought.

"No, actually I moved in with the Sheffields soon after…"

"Oh, I see. It must be a great help for them, to have you there. And less lonely for you."

He nodded. "I heard you moved out of your penthouse too."

"Yes. I felt like a change." She shrugged.

Like your hair, he thought, still not used to the raven look.

"Any new girlfriends, then?" She asked suddenly, upfront.

"No. You? Been seeing anyone?"

"Not really, no."

They both knew what it meant. Eleanor was still the last woman he had been with. He was still the last man CC had been with. Neither knew if this made things better or worse.

"It's been hell, Niles." CC started suddenly. "I felt so replaceable, so ugly, so old and useless. Nothing can ever be the same again." She took a few steps back until she was leaning on the wall at the back of the room. Niles took two steps further towards her, then stopped. The heartbreak on her face was enough to break his own heart too, once again.

"I know, and I would apologise every minute of my life for however long I have left to live, if it made anything better. But it won't. I can't turn back time. I would never do it again. It hurts too much to see you like this, it hurts too much to be the cause of someone's misery. Especially the woman I love. I still love you, CC. I always will."

"So what? It should have mattered then, not now. And anyway, where do we go from here?"

"I don't know." He admitted.

"We can't just pretend it never happened."

"We can't." He agreed.

CC covered her eyes with her hands and slid down the wall, sitting on the floor, crying. Niles finally joined her and kneeled down next to her. He took her hands.

"I don't have any respite from the memory of it, Niles. I felt so undeserving, so disposable, and these feelings never leave me."

"But for all that it's worth, it is the same for me. There's no respite from the sense of guilt, from the awareness of being, essentially, not a good person. I was feeling guilty while it was happening, but I was trying not to think. I have felt guilt and a huge sense of loss ever since. I spend time with the family and try to forget, but there is always something at the back of my mind saying that I don't deserve any carefree moments anymore. That I don't deserve you anymore."

Silent tears were now slowly making their way down his face too. He moved to sit closer to her and put her arms around her. She didn't move away.

They cried together for a little while, sat on the floor, sobs breaking the silence, until CC turned to Niles. He turned to look at her too. She went in and kissed him. They kissed and stroked each other's tear-stained faces for long minutes. It felt so good, and yet so bad. Like a dream of something broken that can never come back. Like waking up after dreaming of someone who is long dead.

CC broke the kiss and smiled bitterly. "We are such a fucking mess."

"Yes, we are." Niles sat back and they sat in silence for a while, each with their own, catastrophic thoughts. Yet, somehow, it felt good to be next to each other. To not be alone, to not be separated. To understand each other's pain as two sides of the same pain.

CC shook herself from the dream-like state they were in. She stood up.

"You'd better go. I can't... I missed you, but cheating cannot be forgiven. It would never feel right again. I will call my lawyer to start the divorce papers on Monday."

She extended a hand to help Niles off the floor, his face a mask of pain. But what could he say, what could he do? He understood she had her pride. He understood he had to let her go. He nodded and kissed her on her cheek before leaving. She closed her eyes not to see him go.

[The end? By right, I think this should be the end.

But at the same time, it's hard to leave one of these stories without a happy ending. So a couple more chapters will lead us to the Alternative Ending, if you wish to stay tuned for that].