TheBodaciousE sat on a curb, his face in his hands and a single tear trickling down one grimy cheek. His clothes were dirty and tattered and his shoes were falling apart: He looked like a twink bum because he was a twink bum. "I really wish I had a dad," he sighed sadly.

Just then, a shadow fell over him, and he twisted around to see a tall man with sunglasses and a fifties style haircut looming over him - his face was astonishingly handsome, and when he spoke, his voice was smooth and comforting. "Hey, kid, you want a dad?"

E's heart skipped a beat. In his time on the mean dirt streets of Yeehaw, Georgia, he'd learned all about pedophiles. He opened his mouth to speak, but the man cut him off. "I'm not gonna molest you, kid. Do you want a father or not?"

E found himself nodding. "Y-Yes, sir."

A cold, evil grin spread across the man's face. "Consider it done," he said. He snapped his fingers and disappeared. E gaped in open amazement, then whipped around when someone greeted him.

It was a man with a perfect smile. He wore a polo shirt, jean shorts, and sandals, his hands on his hips. He looked like every father E had ever seen on TV. "Hi, son, I'm DadBot and I'm your new father."

Excitement burst in E's chest like a bomb, and he shot to his feet. "Hi, Dadbot! It's really good to meet you. I'm glad you're here."

Dadbot smiled. "Hi, glad you're here, I'm Dad."

E giggled. "You're funny. I'm twelve and I like digging in the trash and sleeping in cardboard boxes."

"Hi, twelve and I like digging in the trash and sleeping in cardboard boxes, I'm Dad."

E's head tilted to one side in confusion. "Uh, we've established that fact." An idea struck him. "Do you know any jokes?"

Dadbot grinned. "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip off."

E laughed so hard he peed a little. "You're lit, fam. I'm gonna show you off to everyone in town."

"Hi, going to show you off to everyone in town, I'm Dad."

Uh...okay. Kind of irritating, but he finally had a dad of his own, and he was so proud that nothing, and I mean nothing, could hamper his mood.

Spongebob French Voice: ONE HOUR LATER.

E bumped into a little girl on the sidewalk. "I'm sorry," he said.

Next to him, Dadbot smiled. "Hi, sorry, I'm Dad!"

Next, he asked Dad if he was hungry. "I'd buy us something at the Burpin' Burger, but I'm an orphan so I don't have any money."

"Hi, an orphan so I don't have any money, I'm Dad."

E winced. He was starting to get a tension headache in his temples. It was still good, though; he didn't mind. No pain, no gain right?

For the rest of the day, Dadbot followed him around cracking lame jokes and hitting him with "I'm Dad" every time he tripped up and started a sentence with I'm. At first it was fine, but after a while, his head started hurting and every time dude opened his mouth, E winced. The final straw came when E was checking out this hot fifteen-year-old homeless chick bent over a trash can. "You like her, huh, son?" Dadbot asked.

"Totally."

Dadbot slapped him on the back...then walked over, much to E's horror. "Hi, Miss. My son has a crush on you. Would you like to see a baby picture of him?" He whipped out his wallet and removed a photo of a random naked baby lying on a bear skin rug. The girl laughed and E blushed. "His penis is still the same size."

E fucking flipped. "Goddamn it!" he cried in a high pitched falsetto. "I hate you, Dad! You're not my real father! I'm so sick of you!"

Dad smiled. "Hi, so sick of you, I'm Dad."

E screamed in utter, mind-bending madness, then turned and fled down the sidewalk. Disembodied dad heads floated around him. "Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad. Hi, I'm Dad."

Sobbing hysterically now, E stumbled and fell to his knees, then looked up through tearful eyes when a shadow came over him. The man with the glasses smiled hatefully. "Hey, kid. How's your old man?"

"Please," E wept. He crawled over on his knees and balled his hands as if in prayer. "Please...take him away. I'm going crazy."

The man grinned and bent over, his face hovering inches away from E's - he could smell his fetid breath and see the fire in his eyes, muted by the tinted lenses but there nonetheless. "Hi, going crazy," the man said, "I'm Dad."

E's mind snapped and he went totally and irreversibly insane.

The End.