Thanks for all the love always, and to Pamela :)
-28-
Alice
July 10th, 2023
Lighthouse Cove, Maine
At home in Jacksonville, Bree's bedroom is a mere twenty steps away from mine. I can hear her every move, whether it be from her legs inadvertently hitting against the wall in her sleep or her voice through the monitor next to my bed. I've learned how to sleep lightly over the years, ready to move at the drop of a hat if needed, so when I hear the familiar creaks coming from the bed upstairs, I'm not surprised to find myself sitting up in bed at the sound.
I've heard these sounds, Bella tossing and turning upstairs in her bed, almost every summer. Typically it's because she doesn't know how to sit still, to stay in one place for too long, and eventually her restlessness gets the best of her.
But somehow I know this is different.
Sighing, I throw the covers off and roll out of bed, stretching on the tips of my toes once my feet hit the floor. I'm sore for the best reasons, even though yesterday I had pretty much relaxed and dozed on and off for most of the day once Jasper had left around noon.
Even though I had felt like a carefree teenager the night we spent together, I had woken up in the morning, stiff and sore, with the harsh reality that I was definitely not a teenager anymore.
In body, at least.
But in mind, in the sense that all I could think about was the next time I would get the chance to be with him again, well, I was definitely having a surge of those raging teenage hormones all over again.
But for fuck's sake, can you blame me?
My virginity was on the borderline of growing back when I met Jasper nearly a week ago, and now that I've had him, felt all the ways I've been denying myself, fuck, he's all I want.
Even if I do pop an Aleve to help with these new aches and pains from my teenaged sleepover with Jasper the other night.
It doesn't take long for me to make my way to the kitchen. I yawn as I brew a pot of coffee to take upstairs to Bella, staring out the large window overlooking the water. It's just enough time for me to lose myself in my thoughts once again as the comforting smell fills the house.
What a long, strange trip it has been.
The last ten days here on the island have easily been the most different from all of the days we've spent here on the island since college. Not all bad, as I think of everything happening with Rose and Emmett, and now Jasper and I. As much as our lives have evolved outside of Lighthouse Cove, it was only a matter of time before things started to change for us here, as well.
But Bella…I'm not so sure about at the moment. I'm not concerned about her, per se, more just gearing myself up in preparation of helping her untangle herself out of the latest hole she has dug herself.
Coffee should do the trick.
As I'm gathering two mugs from the cabinet, I hear a door from upstairs open and another shut a moment after, the sound telling me to reach for a third mug before poking my head around the corner. I can't see all the way upstairs, but Rose is able to hear me when I whisper shout to her.
"Are you staying up?" I ask softly as she makes her way downstairs, rubbing her eyes sleepily.
"Is that coffee?" Is all she asks, and I stifle my laughter at her lack of excitement to start the day this early.
"Of course," I reply, turning back towards the kitchen to fill our mugs.
"Then I'm up," Rose says, shuffling in behind me. "I'll catch some sleep later."
"Here," I say, handing her a mug as we hear another creak from the attic room upstairs. Our eyes drift upwards at the sounds of Bella's frustrations before meeting again over the tops of our mugs. "Ready?"
"She'll be fine," Rose says reassuringly after a sip from her mug. "But let's check on her, yeah?"
Bella is always agreeable once coffee has infiltrated her bloodstream, and luckily it still works its magic this morning. Typical Bella has walked herself to her own ledge again, and even though it doesn't take long for her to talk herself through it, it's in quiet moments like these, when the three of us are wrapped inside Bella's blankets in her bed with coffee, that remind me there is never anything too big that the three of us can't tackle together.
It's not long before she's out the door, calling over her shoulder for us not to wait up for her.
My heart swells, not just for her, but for all three of us, as we drift in uncharted waters towards horizons we never dreamed of.
. . .
A little later in the afternoon, while Bella is still out doing who knows what and Rose is out with Emmett for the day, I find myself basking in the quiet. As a mom, quiet time is pretty much unheard of, and if your child is home and it is quiet, then there's a definite chance your child has gotten into something in your house and your house is in some way being destroyed. So it's in times like these, when it's just me and my camera and the crash of the waves against the sand, when I don't mind being alone. It's just part of what I need to do to be able to go home to Bree a better mother. These moments give me the chance to put those shattered pieces of myself back together again, with the hopes that each day a little more of me remembers how to live.
I can already feel it happening, little by little, as another message from Jasper vibrates my phone as I sit in my beach chair. He is spending the day with his family on the mainland, and we've been talking back and forth since he woke up this morning. Our conversation has been light and fun as we continue to learn new things about each other. It's kind of a perfect way for me to spend my day today. Feet buried in the sand, a cold water with lemon to quench my thirst, with a pleasant conversation on the side.
Can't beat it.
Name three things both men and women can wear.
I think for a moment before responding to Jasper's text, enjoying our text version of The 3 Words Game, answering him but also adding a question of my own. Shirt, pants, a smile. Name three things that remind you of holidays.
He sends me a thinking emoji, making me giggle out loud to myself. Yes. I am that person these days. Someone who giggles by themselves in broad daylight. I'm still smiling when he sends me his response.
Cookies, Pumpkins, Jingle Bells. Name three things you can wear on your head.
I answer him back quickly. Hats, headbands, wigs. Name three things you can eat.
His reply sends tingles all over my body. Muffins, Ice Cream, You.
Even though I'm sitting here by myself on the beach, I'm transported back to our night in my room a few nights ago, remembering the way his hair tickled the insides of my thighs as his mouth devoured me.
Him being on the mainland right now is a delicious kind of torture.
Game Over. I'm suddenly ravenous. And I have an empty house.
Fuck, Ali. As soon as I'm back on the island, I'm coming over.
By the time he does make it back from the mainland, the house isn't empty. After I had left the beach, I made it upstairs to shower and get ready for my night with Jasper, and when I came down, Rose and Emmett had returned from their adventures. They seem happy as they fill me in on what they did today, adrenaline coursing through them both as they relive the moments. Not too long after, I see movement on the back porch, and right before I open the door to let Jasper inside, I sneak Rose a glance, hoping she sees that I see how happy she is. She has always been a happy person in general, even when she's feeling low, but now as she stands in the kitchen next to Emmett, she's almost….glowing.
I love that I can see that fire in her again.
Speaking of fire, I feel my skin ignite when I open the back door and fall into his arms, intoxicated by the way his body envelopes mine seamlessly.
"I tried to get here sooner," Jasper says once I've untangled myself from him. "Lunch with that many family members all at once tends to never end."
"You're here now. That's all that matters," I say to him, my eyes meeting his with a grin I can't keep off my face if I tried to.
But that's the point. I'm not trying anymore. I'm living my best life right now.
Diving head first into the deep end without a life preserver.
And I'm loving it.
We stay with Rose and Emmett for a little while before we head our separate ways, enjoying how easy it is for all of us to get along. We had a great time the other night when we had everyone at our place for dinner, one conversation blending into the next like all of us were old friends. It's one thing to watch the three of us girls bring others into our lives separately, but it's something else entirely to watch all of us come together as a group.
A warm feeling spreads over my body as Jasper and I walk onto the front porch, and it's not just because he stops me when we're halfway down the driveway. It's because I can see it, feel all of this, all of us, becoming something bigger than ourselves.
With my hand in his, he pulls me to him gently, smiling at me as the world slows down when he places a finger beneath my chin to lift my lips to his. His lips are soft when he presses them against my own, respectful as we stand in the front of the house as twilight approaches the horizon, even though I can feel the intensity between us bubbling beneath the surface.
"You've had me wanting ice cream all day," Jasper murmurs against my lips, reminding me of the getting to know you game we were messaging back and forth earlier in the day. "Do you know of one on the island?"
Suddenly I'm craving ice cream just as much as he is.
"Yeah, there is one actually. Not too far from here. Just a handful of blocks or so."
"Lead the way?"
And he does let me lead, in more ways than one, but never lets go of my hand as we walk.
He does, however, lead the way to the house his family is renting, where I see two beach cruisers waiting for us in the driveway.
"Figured they'd get us there a little faster than walking," he says with a shrug as we adjust the seats and slide back the kickstand on our bikes. He laughs when he sees me eyeing him curiously at his premeditated bike ride. "What? I just really love ice cream!"
Luckily, I'm wearing the right attire to ride a bike tonight, and as much as I'd love to walk beside him, hearing his voice and holding his hand as we walk the line between day and night, I love the feeling of the wind in my hair as we pedal our way through the quiet, residential streets of Lighthouse Cove. I'm a few paces in front of him, and I love that he's following me. He's a quiet presence, a calming reassurance, that settles deep inside me the more I get to know him.
It's a feeling that grounds me, reminding me how I must have been drifting along in life since I lost Peter. Flying by the seat of my pants until something, or someone, brought me back down to earth again.
Which is funny to say because I feel like my head is in the clouds whenever I'm with Jasper.
"So ice cream, huh? That's your weakness?" I ask him a half hour later once we have parked our bikes on the side of the building and have found a place to sit at the parlor. There aren't too many people here at the moment, so we managed to grab a small bistro table overlooking the water. Like the bar the first night we officially met, soft golden string lights hang above our heads as we dig into cones as big as our heads.
"I gave up fighting it a long time ago," Jasper sighs, and I laugh at the surrender and defeat evident in his voice. "I can go some time without it but eventually I have to cave."
"How long can you go without it?"
"Meh, a few days," he says in contemplation and drops his head at my astonished face. "I know, I know."
I love this about him. How his mom can bake like no one's business but all he needs is a little Rocky Road from the grocery store down the street.
"You're worse than Bree!"
Jasper's smile widens, his eyes crinkling at the corners at the mention of my daughter. "She loves ice cream, too?"
"Yes, well, anything sweet really, but ice cream is usually the top contender," I say. "She usually gets more on her face and clothes than in her mouth so I'm not sure how much she actually eats."
"It comes with time," he replies, suddenly omniscient in his tone. I'm laughing again. "She'll learn. I'd tell you, but, trade secrets."
"So I'll just clean up all the messes in the meantime," I reply with a joking roll of my eyes.
"It's ice cream. It's all worth it," he says, digging into his ice cream. He points a spoon at my ice cream selection for the evening. "I'm impressed with your choice, though. It seems oddly specific."
I nod. "Black raspberry with chocolate sprinkles in a classic wafer cone," I repeat my order. "On the weekends, my dad used to take me to this place near my mom's house and this was the kind we would get. It was his favorite so it just kind of stuck with me ever since."
"Your parents are divorced?"
"Yup. Divorced, both remarried, with new families of their own."
"And you're…"
"Kind of stuck in the middle? Not unwelcome but…unsure of where I stand in the scheme of things," I say with a shrug. "I'm a reminder of the worst times of their lives and sometimes I can feel it."
"I'm sorry," Jasper offers, and I'm not sure if he's referring to bringing it up tonight or because that's the life I had to endure growing up. Either way, I don't let it dampen the evening.
"It's fine, really. Peter always made sure I had a place in his family."
"I love that for you," he says, smiling sincerely once again beneath the glow of the lights. "He sounds like a great man, Ali."
"He was," I answer. "He never was an ice cream guy, though. Would never turn down a good burger, however."
"Smart man, too, I see."
We finish in comfortable conversation, leaving the heaviness behind us as we share bites of our ice cream with one another. My favorite is when I can taste it on his tongue, the cold from the vanilla and the heat from his mouth making me walk along that perpetual edge with him again. The edge where I want to listen to him talk for hours but also at the same time wanting him to shut up and do other things with that mouth of his. We talk about life before Lighthouse Cove. He tells me about his life in Texas and then his life in Boston. How he travels three to four days out of the week and works from home the remaining days, and how he learned to juggle life on the road and his love for being home. How his family is still as close as ever, despite the distance, and have turned this trip of theirs to scatter the ashes of his grandmother into something happy instead of sad.
It gives me hope that maybe one day the loss of Peter won't be so raw for me and his family.
"We're going to their favorite spot on the island and we'll let her go there," Jasper says as we're getting back onto our bikes. "Then we'll go back to the house for dinner. You should come."
"Me? On such an important day for your family?"
He laughs and pulls me to him, our bikes forgotten about as we stand there holding each other in the grass next to the parking lot of the ice cream parlor. I don't care how many mosquitos are enjoying the sweetness of my blood right now.
"Do you know how pissed they are with me that I've been hogging you to myself this last week?"
"Really?" I laugh, warm at the thought of what Jasper has been telling them about me.
"I wouldn't lie to you, Ali. My mom likes you more than me, to be honest." He pulls back, his eyes meeting mine to convince me. "Come."
"Okay," I breathe into the night air, letting the wind take away any trepidations I may have for now.
Because twenty minutes later, after we've dropped our bikes off at his house and we're standing on my front porch, his words in my ear are all that matter.
"I had my ice cream," Jasper whispers, his lips sliding along my jaw. "Never said I had my dessert yet."
We can't make it upstairs to my room fast enough.
See you tomorrow!