"You need to stop." She repeated for the fourth time that day without looking away from the file she was working on.
"I can't… it's like a weird sort of déjà vu." Came the reply from her right.
"Reid, I'm not your boss anymore, I'll hit you." She tried threatening.
"JJ is doing it too" Emily knew, and still could not understand.
"Hey." Cried the blond at being outed.
"I can't help it, it's been years and even after being a unit chief for an international Interpol team, you still bite your nails while you read files. It's fascinating how much habits continue to exist." Reid continued.
Emily took a deep breath and raised her head from the file she was reading, briefly catching Hotch watching her before he could turn away. This was ridiculous.
"I don't know why you both invited me to sit and work with you, if you are both not working and just staring."
"Well, now that you aren't the boss we wanted to talk and gossip, but you decided to be all productive." The new voice made her turn.
"Garcia, please tell me you didn't come here to stare as well."
"Everyone is here, I didn't want to miss the party." She sits down close to Luke's desk "Oh, talking about a party, Derek should be in town in about two weeks, we should schedule a party."
"Yeah, it will be good. I want to see that baby Hank again, Savannah, of course." Emily smiled as she spoke and got back to her file.
"Ohh I have new pictures, do you want to see?" Garcia said already getting her phone from her pocket and giving it to Emily.
"Can I see it?" They all turn to see Hotch getting closer to the desk and leaning over Emily and putting his hand on the back of her chair.
Emily knew her relationship with hotch hadn't always been smooth. He never wanted her to join the team, then he respected her as a professional but never really trusting her fully. And she understood that, she also had her reservations.
They had gotten closer when he was attacked by Foyet and she was able to be there for him but not fuss over him like everyone else. They would have dinners together, work later and exchange ideas, brainstorm consults and for a time she thought he was one of the closer. It was the closest relationship she had ever had with a coworker, and she was happy to have that.
But her past had hit their friendship like a bomb, and even after she got back from London and Doyle died he would never get close to her again. And Emily understood, she did. I was hard to accept that someone you trusted so much could keep so many things from you.
Rossi had often joked how close they gotten, had asked multiple times if anything had happened between them. And nothing ever did, they had never been like that. They supported each other, but Lauren had made sure that was never coming back. And sometimes when he was that close again, physically or emotionally. She would miss their late nights.
"He looks so big." He said close to her ear, and she could identify the longing of the father in him seeing a child that he had known since birth. She felt Hotch move away from her chair.
"Morgan said he just learned how to walk. That little robotic jiggle that littles ones do." Garcia explained.
"Ounnn that sounds adorable." She turned her chair and miscalculated how far away he was, and her face ended up very close to his, to the point that she could smell his aftershave. "Oh, I'm sorry. Can you excuse me?" Emily started to get up and move away from the table.
"I'm sorry" He replied while standing up and took a step from her. She squeezed past him and headed for the bathroom to freshen up. Why was she suddenly embarrassed?
Emily closed her car door and started to walk around it to the sidewalk heading for the door. This was the first Saturday in around three weeks that she didn't go to the office and after the tedious process of boxing her items, Emily had been bored out of her mind.
Which is the only reason why Emily had decided it was a good idea to accept Rossi's invite for dinner at his house. It was a hot evening; Emily had decided on a simple black dress that wouldn't make her uncomfortable. She had brought a bottle of wine knowing Rossi would probably scold her about it, but her upbringing wouldn't let her come empty handed.
"I told you not to bring anything." Rossi said opening the door before she could even knock.
"And I told you I wasn't listening to you." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and entered the house. "What are we eating tonight?" Rossi was always very specific about his food, especially when he was the one cooking it. Whatever it was, Emily knew it would be a treat.
They walked to the kitchen and
"An old and good spaghetti alla carbonara, what do you think?" he says as he finishes putting on the apron and goes to open the wine bottle. From what Emily could see behind him he already had most of everything pre ready, and now was just putting everything together in the pan to finalize it.
"Oh, comfort food? What did I do to deserve a Rossi special on such a day?" She gives him both of their glasses so he can fill it up and then sits on the stool on the kitchen island.
She watches as he cooks, there was something very comforting about Rossi in the kitchen. In Emily's mind Rossi was the personification of the Italian father that would nurture you, mixed with a mentor that would push her until she got out of her comfort zone so she could grow.
"Well, I know how your mind works. And if I'm not mistaken, right about now, you are getting ready to run away." Rossi said while he put a plate in front of Emily and then the other right beside hers. She took a sip and had to look away. "Tell me I'm wrong."
"Rossi, you know better than I do that things aren't looking well." Emily wanted to make him understand that she was only doing this because it would be worse if she decided to fight it. "They are looking for a scapegoat, and I can't let them get to the Team. The BAU doesn't deserve to be broken or prosecuted for just because they need to blame someone."
Rossi sat down and took a sip while he stared at her.
"And that has nothing to do with the fact that you feel guilty that Stephen isn't here, while you get to overcome what happened?" He gave her time.
"No."
"You feel guilty Emily, you feel that because you brought him specifically to work in Scratch's case, you think that you made him a target. You feel like you made all of us a target." He could see how still she became.
"I thought you brought me here for a friendly dinner, not an evaluation of character." She said with a small voice.
"You know none of this is true."
"Rossi…"
"Come on Emily, I know you."
"I got him killed." She really was tired of crying. "I can't get past it, he isn't here today because I made the decision of trying to get Peter Lewis to come out of hiding."
"You know as well as I do that Stephen was the one that helped you plan all the mission. He knew the risks, Emily." He tried to reason with her.
"But he died under my watch. Under my command."
"And we are all trained to know that this is a possibility every time we go out on a case. He wasn't even targeted, he died on the crashed that you were kidnapped at. What is so different about this case that is making you give up?"
"Maybe they are right in doing this investigation, this is the second time I've gotten someone killed in an operation and I…" She looked up trying not to cry.
"You know it isn't like that, we all know the risks. We all accept it; we work for nothing like that to happen. But this isn't a safe job, and you know that." He put his hand on her arm to get her to look at him. "What is it about this time that has you questioning everything?"
"I'm glad." She let her tears slid down her face.
"What are you glad about Emily?"
"I'm glad we finished the case and Hotch was able to come back, and it's ripping me apart that I can feel glad while a man is dead, and a family was destroyed. And I feel that sadness but at the same time I feel glad we have him back" Rossi got up and hugged her while she sobbed. "How can I be glad when a man died in my command?"
"Because you are only human." He rubbed her back until she calmed down.
"We are all sad about Stephen of course we are, but we are all glad we were able to bring Hotch back. Emily, I think with everything that happened you haven't had time to be able to process everything that happened to you, and the team in the last year." She nodded while trying to dry her eyes while he sat back down.
"You are accepting this investigation as a punishment, but there is nothing to be punished for. Even Stephen's wife had told you he knew the risks and he decided to be here."
"I just wish…"
"I know, but this is life, and it's not perfect, and we don't always get what we want. But if life give us second chances, we should take them."
"And what chance am I not taking?"
"The chance to be with your family again. Let us help you." Emily shook her head.
"I don't want you to get involved and have them come after you."
"Let us decide that. Let us help piece this together what is happening and fight this. You took care of me, you worked like crazy to bring Hotch back, you took care of Reid, you made sure Luke and Matt integrated. You were there for Tara, Garcia and JJ. Now it's our time to be there for you." He begged. "We are your family."
"Okay."
A/N: I'm so sorry it's a day late. I wrote a chapter yesterday, and when I was done I decided I needed two more before I could get to that. I'm trying to write/post one chapter a day but I can't promise it. I hope you like it.