To Hide the Heart
They were awoken by an ache in their back. With a soft groan, Frisk slowly rolled over, releasing the arm that was trapped under their body. They grimaced as blood flowed back into their arm. The pins and needles feeling was always super uncomfortable. It took a moment for them to remember where they were and what had happened last night.
It was curious. They knew they should be feeling something right now, but the only things they could feel were their arm and their back. Sleeping on the floor is not recommended.
"I am Frisk. I have a red soul. I am determined." They whispered to themselves. It was good to know that their voice was working again. All it took was separating their mind from their feelings. Maybe they should do that more often.
They took a random book off of Kade's shelf to entertain themselves until he woke up. Alice in Wonderland was a classic title. As Alice finally caught up with the White Rabbit at the tea party, Kade started to stir.
He yawned before greeting them. "Up already? You could have woken me instead of waiting, you know."
Frisk shrugged, "You have books. I don't mind waiting."
"Okay. Well, you should probably put your own clothes back on. I'd like it if you could take a look at Susie's soul before breakfast, and walking around in just a large shirt isn't really appropriate." Kade told them. He started looking through his own clothes, presumably picking out something for himself to wear.
Frisk nodded and complied. Unlike last night, they weren't scared or guilty or ashamed. They felt pleasantly empty. It was almost like the rest of the world wasn't quite real, even though they knew it was. They could tell that the feelings were still inside somewhere, but they were hidden. Trapped somewhere behind a wall in their mind.
Lifting the large shirt over their head hurt a bit as they stretched their bruised abdominal muscles. They hit Susie last night, but she hit them back twice as hard. They made a note to be careful moving about for a while, lest someone notice that they were injured.
Soon enough, Kade was leading them back to the dorm room they shared with Susie. She was still asleep when the two arrived. Kade looked a bit concerned, but Frisk figured this would make it easier. Susie would be still and wouldn't be complaining about them trying to take a look.
They were still banned from touching to try to summon a soul, so they did their best to direct their magic to their eyes. They weren't sure exactly what they did last night to make Susie's soul so clearly visible, so they could only try things that they thought made sense.
It was slow, but they could feel their magic start to flow around their chest. They tried to direct the magic up to their eyes, but only succeeded in blinding themselves with brightness. They hissed when the dim light from the overhead flashed like someone shone a stage light directly into their eyes.
Frisk started rubbing their eyes and tried to blink away the dark spots as the magic fled back to their chest.
"What did you see?" Kade asked.
"Nothing." Frisk said, still rubbing their eyes, "I don't know how I saw her soul so clearly last night, so I'm trying to figure it out. Sending all my magic to my eyes is definitely the wrong thing to do."
"What did you do last night? What were you doing or feeling when it happened last time?" he asked.
"I was mad and I was fighting. I felt… um…" Frisk tried to remember what exactly they were thinking at that point in the fight, "Susie just hit me back, and it hurt. I was going to keep fighting her, but I knew I needed to stand so I made myself determined. I stayed determined to stand and to fight back. Then I was determined to hurt her, so I used my magic."
"Okay. But when did you start seeing her soul?"
"When I stood up."
That meant their determination was the key.
"Let me try something else." Frisk said.
Kade huffed, "That's all I can do."
Frisk focused on their soul and their magic again. Instead of directing it to their eyes, they just kept pushing on it and let it fill them up until it felt like they couldn't hold any more inside. When they looked back at their surroundings, the room was dark, but the people and objects were still visible. The three souls in the room were clear to them.
Behind them, Kade's soul had a small but intense orange glow surrounding it. Their own soul was bright red, almost radiating determined energy, and Susie's soul was a dimmer shade of the green they'd come to know from her. The tiny crack on the edge of her soul was still there. Frisk didn't know exactly what that meant but relayed the information to Kade anyways.
"I suppose we'll need to wait for Susie to wake up before we can fully assess the damage." Kade said, somewhat disappointed.
There wasn't anything else for them to do but wait. In the meantime, the two went to breakfast and shared the meal in silence. Kade seemed worried about Susie, and Frisk still felt detached. The silence suited them just fine. It meant they could relax into the strange non-feeling that came with being a bit out of sync with the rest of the world.
When they finished eating, Kade brought them to Eleanor's office while he went back to wait for Susie to wake up. Frisk thought they should be nervous or concerned or scared about whatever Eleanor was going to say or do to them. Instead, they only felt a mild curiosity. There was nothing they could do to change the outcome, so why not let it happen?
"Now Frisk, you aren't necessarily in trouble, however I need you to be as honest and open with me as possible. To the best of your ability, I need you to explain to me what happened last night, why it happened, and if there are going to be any lasting consequences. While enjoy a healthy bit of Nonsense in life, this world relies on logic. If I don't understand what is happening, I can't help you all work through it. Understand?" Eleanor asked, uncharacteristically serious.
Frisk agreed with the sentiment and told her everything they could. Their voice was flat, as if they were describing the weather. They told Eleanor about the fight, their use of soul magic, and the tiny crack still on Susie's soul. Explaining the methods they knew of to heal a soul was quick and simple. The whole speech felt like nothing more than an oral book report.
Eleanor gave Frisk a strange look, before asking them to wait in her office while she made a phone call. Frisk sat in one of the chairs and began kicking their feet back and forth. There wasn't much else to do to pass the time.
After a minute or so, they decided to use the time to practice with their soul. They slowed their legs down and practiced moving their soul back and forth between them as they swung. It was as close as they could get to dodging bullets.
When Eleanor returned, she looked somewhat relieved. "Julia said that she'd visit and bake some magic cookies or something to see if we can heal the crack in Susie's soul. It's not monster food, but her magic does have a history of healing people, so long as the food is fresh. She agreed that Susie shouldn't be in danger for now, so long as you don't pull her soul out for another fight. Understood?"
Frisk nodded and continued playing with their soul. They didn't intend to try fighting Susie again anyways. There was no way they'd win or escape a second time.
"Are you paying attention Frisk?"
They nodded again.
Eleanor sighed. "At least look at me please." She requested.
Frisk stopped kicking the air and pulled their soul back into their chest. If it made Eleanor feel better if they looked at her, they could oblige.
"I would like you to consider the options carefully before you answer me. Do you feel that you and Susie can still get along? Or is this incident a sign that separation is required? I would prefer that you have a roommate for at least a little longer, but I only have two other students living by themselves for now." Eleanor explained, "It is my opinion that neither Christopher or Sumi would be a good match for you, but we might need to try if you and Susie cannot resolve your differences."
Only a brief consideration was needed to come to the only clear answer. Frisk shrugged and spoke their thoughts, "It's my fault. Susie should be the one making the choice, not me." Truly, they couldn't care much either way. They decided to go along with whatever was going to happen. At least it didn't look like they were going to be expelled for this.
"Very well. We can ask her then, once she's up for the day." Eleanor moved towards the door and gestured for Frisk to follow. "In the meantime, I'll have to ask you to entertain yourself for the day and try to keep away from Susie until we've sorted this out. Can you do that?"
Frisk nodded and headed towards the library. If there was one place they'd never see Susie, it was the library. It was unfortunate that Kade had the only copy of Alice in Wonderland but there was nothing they could do about that. Instead, they picked up a copy of The Magician's Nephew and enjoyed the tale of the boy who stumbled into a Nexus before finding a pool leading to the birth of the new world of Narnia. Not for the first time, Frisk wondered if many of the famous fantasy authors had had adventures of their own in other worlds. It was too bad they would never know for sure.
Shortly before lunch, Lundy stopped by the library to retrieve them and bring them back to their shared room. "I am supposed to mediate a discussion between yourself and Susie. She has told me that my intervention is unnecessary and unwanted, so I will remain close by while you two have a chat about the incident. If my assistance is required, then one of you only needs to leave your room and retrieve me from the end of the hall."
With only that brief explanation, Frisk was left alone with Susie in their room to supposedly try to talk about whatever they needed to talk about. Frisk knew they should feel guilty or scared about being back in this room, alone with the person that they'd hurt less than twenty-four hours ago. Instead, they felt pleasantly numb. They could almost feel their fingertips tingling to fill the void in sensation.
Feeling blank like this was for the best though. Without the annoying emotions preventing them from expressing themselves, they would be able to properly articulate responses to whatever Susie had to say. Of course, since she was the victim, if she wanted them to bow down and accept all the blame silently and without opposition, then they would do as she said. She was owed at least that much in compensation.
Susie watched them carefully through her bangs as they entered the room and took a seat on the edge of their bed. For a moment, they considered playing with their soul again while Susie talked but decided that more soul magic around her was probably a bad idea. Even if she couldn't see their soul, Frisk didn't want to chance that she could guess what they were doing or accidentally get in the way by suddenly moving towards them.
They might actually be expelled if something else happened, and while they couldn't feel it, they could objectively understand that moving back in with their parents was a terrible idea. They might actually kill themselves for real if they had to go back right now.
What a weird thought. They decided to tuck it away and forget about it. For now, focusing on Susie was of greatest importance. Stray thoughts didn't matter, only Susie did.
She kept them in silent anticipation for another minute before asking her first question. "Why did you do it?"
"I wanted you to stop saying mean things and I think I pulled you into a magic fight by accident. In the moment, I wanted to hurt you, so I did." Frisk stated simply. There were no excuses. It might have been a passing feeling, but they had acted on it in the moment and actions had consequences. That's just how things worked.
"That's not what I mean!" Susie exclaimed. She covered her face with one hand and huffed. "I mean, why did you keep trying to make me talk to you? I told you to leave it alone. I threatened you. I ignored you and brushed you off and you still kept at it. I don't understand why you didn't just accept my very clear boundaries and do as I asked."
Frisk was not expecting this kind of question. Through the detachment, they could feel the smallest sliver of surprise. "I was trying to be your friend." They replied.
"And what does that mean?"
"That's what friends are supposed to do."
"Ignoring someone's boundaries isn't friendly, it's disrespectful at best and abusive at worst."
"But then why do books and TV shows make a big deal about friends never giving up on each other until they can talk and solve their problems together?" Frisk asked with a frown. They knew that media didn't translate perfectly to real life, but teachers had encouraged other kids to open up to each other in a similar way when their classmates had arguments within their friend circles. There must be some truth to the fiction if adults tried to implement similar strategies.
According to Susie, this was wrong, "Not a chance. What you should do, as a friend, is to respect boundaries and let your friend talk to you when she's good and ready, if ever. If she never wants to talk about it, then that's her choice and you have no right to try and take that from her."
"Oh." Frisk paused, uncertain of how to continue. Was this one of those things where someone says they don't want anyone to pry but hope that someone does anyways? Or was this the honest truth? Knowing Susie, the honest truth seemed more likely. As a safe bet, Frisk apologized, "I'm sorry. Telling you I didn't realize is not an acceptable excuse since you clearly told me to stop. I can't change the past, but I will listen in the future."
Susie sighed loudly, "I don't need a goddamn apology. Words are cheap and meaningless. I want you to explain yourself so I can understand and put it behind me."
It was hard to focus on what she meant by that. Frisk could see her face and hear the words, but they couldn't figure out exactly what she was looking for. They thought they had explained it. Perhaps they needed to explain it differently?
"I was trying to be a friend, but I guess I got it wrong. You tried to make me stop, then I tried to make you stop trying to make me stop. We fought and I think I accidentally won. But to win, I went too far. For that, I apologize. I will listen more and stop using my soul magic around you." Frisk stared at Susie as they reworded their explanation.
"You're missing the point!" Susie exclaimed as she threw herself backwards onto her bed. "We fought, and you got me good. I can take a hit and that part doesn't bother me at all. I want to know why you care! Why did you try so hard that you decided it was best to ignore my boundaries?"
Frisk was confused. They thought they had explained that already. "You're my friend."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are. You were nice to me and helped me when I was new and when I was upset. That's something friends do." They explained, "You were upset so I wanted to help you too."
"Even though I told you it was none of your business?" Susie asked, "Don't answer that. This conversation is going in circles."
Frisk sat silently and waited for Susie to continue. Clearly they were doing something wrong. They wanted to figure out what, but their thoughts seemed to slip away when they tried to focus. The numbness was nice, but holding on to their thoughts was harder.
"Are you going to stay here? Or are you going to get a new roommate? I don't blame you if you want to leave, you know." Susie asked. She turned to face them, but her face was still hidden by her hair.
Frisk shrugged, "I thought it was up to you. I was wrong, so my opinion shouldn't matter. You can take compensation in whatever form you want and I have no right to complain."
Susie snorted, "Don't be ridiculous. It takes two to fight, and if you don't feel safe around me, then you should be allowed to leave. No questions asked."
"I never said I didn't feel safe. You're probably the safest person I know here." Frisk said flatly. It was just a fact.
"But I provoked you. I intentionally picked on your weak points to make you angry enough to fight me. That way, I could fight back. In the end, you beat me at my own game, so that's my punishment." Susie commented, "That just proves I'm not safe. I led you into a fight that I expected you to lose. I expected you to get hurt and probably caused some damage before things got physical too. How in the world can you still consider me safe? How can you still call me a friend to you?"
Susie looked tired. It didn't make sense. Frisk knew that she had recently woken up. If anything, she should be lively after her full night (and morning) of sleep.
Frisk tilted their head and sent a question back, "You were just reacting to me annoying you. If I didn't keep asking you when you told me to stop, then you wouldn't have started attacking me back, right?"
"No…"
"So why should my opinion of you change?"
Susie grumbled to herself before snapping back, "Because I'm not nice! I'm mean, I'm rude, I'm violent, I'm aggressive, and you shouldn't think of me as a good person when I'm obviously not!"
There was some feeling tickling the wall in their mind, but they couldn't tell what it was. "Does this mean that you don't want to be roommates anymore?"
"I don't fucking care." Susie spoke in a flat tone, "You'll leave me alone, and I'll leave you alone. That should fix the problem."
"Okay. Should I tell Lundy that we resolved it then?" Frisk offered.
"Whatever" Susie said, waving a hand at them.
Frisk did as they said and told Lundy that they had finished talking and that Susie was okay with them staying roommates. Though she seemed a bit uncertain, Lundy took their words at face value and let them be. Frisk relaxed into the emptiness as they continued about the rest of their day.
They finished reading their book in the library, exercised a bit in the yard, had supper, then returned to their room. If nothing else, they could look forward to waking up without a sore back tomorrow. While camping out on the floor was fine by them, a bed is much more comfortable.
A short bit of time was spent fluffing their pillow and picking out a clean set of pyjamas to wear later. Fresh clothes, a soft pillow, and some warm blankets would feel amazing on their skin after a hot shower. The taste of spearmint would be a pleasant bonus to tie it all together. They were looking forward to bedtime so that they could curl up in comfort and fall asleep feeling great and nothing all at once.
When Susie returned to their room later, neither of them acknowledged the other. Frisk slept without dreams.
The two were informed the next morning that Julia had arrived and wanted to talk to Susie for a bit while she was baking. Susie went to join her in the kitchen while Frisk went outside. They spent the morning going through the steps they had learned with their practice knife.
A small part of them should have felt sad that Julia wanted to see Susie and not them. It made sense though, that a kind soul would rather meet another kind soul. Additionally, Susie is the one who had been hurt. Julia probably wanted to see her alone to determine the extent of the damage that needed healing. Despite knowing how they were supposed to feel, they couldn't make it happen.
On the plus side, they were making good progress with their knife practice. Without feeling the frustration of being a beginner, they could more easily stop and correct themselves when they made mistakes. Their mind was quiet. It was nice.
When they returned inside for lunch, they saw Susie leaving the kitchen with a small plate of cookies and faintest smile on her face. Her bangs had been brushed aside and she looked like she might even be happy. For as long as Frisk had lived with her, they'd seen her pleased or amused. Sometimes they had even seen her laugh. They weren't sure they'd ever seen her look happy though. It was a good change. For her sake, they hoped that it would last.
As Susie walked away, an old woman beckoned them over to her. Julia introduced herself and invited Frisk to have lunch with her in the kitchen. Apparently, she had already prepared some sandwiches for the two of them, along with the extra cookies that Susie had helped her bake.
"Susie actually helped? I didn't think she would enjoy baking." Frisk commented. They picked out a simple tuna salad sandwich and a chocolate chip cookie. It looked good, but Frisk wasn't quite ready to eat yet. There was something tying their stomach in a knot, but they couldn't place the feeling. Something was there, but they couldn't feel it enough to know what it was supposed to be.
"Oh yes! At first, she just watched me. She has quite the intense stare, doesn't she?" Julia mused, "But after I asked her to get some of the ingredients out of the cupboards for me, she started to watch my hands, rather than myself in general. I made up a complaint about arthritic hands and asked if she wouldn't mind helping me mix and roll out the dough. Despite her rough exterior, Susie can be quite a sweet girl."
"I know. She was really nice to me when I moved in." Frisk replied flatly, "But I hurt her. Thanks for coming to fix my mistake."
"Nonsense! I'm not fixing anything. That crack on her soul won't be healed by magic cookies. The magic is there to stimulate the healing, but it won't get it started on its own." Julia said, "In fact, throwing your soul at her shouldn't have caused a crack at all!"
"But it did."
"Pure coincidence. Her soul was ready to crack on its own. You just hurried it along."
Frisk hummed, "Still makes it my fault." Their stomach got tighter. It seemed likely that they'd have to skip this meal.
Julia shook her head in in disagreement but didn't push the issue. Instead, she asked Frisk to talk to her about their time in the Underground. "You haven't sent me another letter, so I'd like to hear about it now, while I've got the chance. I'd like to hear everything."
Frisk kept a blank face as they recounted their adventure. They filled in a few details here and there but stuck to outlining the major events as they happened, leaving out the part where they were killed by Undyne and where they killed Flowey to leave. Julia nodded along as she at her lunch and kept quiet until they had finished their tale.
"That sounds like it was quite an ordeal. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you. First abandoned by Toriel, then hunted by the captain. That must have taken quite the toll on you. I'm glad that you made it through. You must have quite a strong mind, to be able to handle such difficult situations at such a young age." Julia said. She smiled warmly at them as she continued, "I couldn't help but notice that you left out your feelings when telling the story. Why's that?"
"I just told you what happened. That's what you asked, right?" Frisk replied.
Julia nodded, "I did, it's just unusual to leave out your own thoughts about your adventures. Did you at least have fun when you could?"
Frisk nodded in turn, "I liked the vents and conveyor belts in Hotland. The vents felt like flying and I could run really fast on the belts."
"Wonderful!" Julia clapped softly, "What else did you like?"
"Staying with the Temmies was nice. They didn't know who or what I was, but they looked after me anyways. I remember it felt nice to be accepted like that. And I also had tea with Asgore before we fought. I liked talking to him and if we didn't need to fight, I think he would have been a good stand-in parent. He seems like he would be a good dad." Frisk continued. Something about Julia's attention made them feel like talking. They couldn't explain it.
"I agree! Asgore is such a kind man. And he did have children once, though they fell down long before I arrived in the Underground. I'm not sure he ever got over their deaths."
Frisk slowly nodded once, "Asgore mentioned that he had a child like me once. One who didn't feel like how they were born. He said that they liked their name though, unlike me. They changed the spelling, but I changed mine completely."
"Mhm. He must have been talking about Chara. They were Asgore's adopted child. Apparently, they were best friends with Asgore's son, Asriel, before they fell down." Julia thought aloud, "I won't spoil your lunch with sad stories though. You should eat! A growing child needs energy to grow up tall and strong, right?"
"I'm…" Frisk paused for a moment, "I can't eat right now. My stomach is all tied up. It looks really good though. I'm sorry for wasting your hard work."
"A sandwich and a couple of cookies hardly count as work! If you aren't feeling well, I could make you some of my special lemon tea. Filled with kindness and ready to ease any ailment." Julia offered.
"I'm not sick. I just can't eat."
"I never said that it only helped sickness. A good cup of tea can do wonders for any kind of hurt. Just give me a moment. I won't take no for an answer." Julia stood up and prepared a simple hot lemon tea. Three slices of lemon, a teaspoon of honey, and a sprig of mint stirred into boiling water and left to rest.
The smell was enough to ease some of the tension that Frisk didn't notice they'd been holding in their shoulders. It was true that a hot drink wouldn't solve anything, but it was the kindness of the act that mattered. The feelings behind their wall were starting to beat on it. Frisk reinforced the wall to the best of their ability. They didn't want to have all their feelings burst out in the middle of all this. That would be rude and unfair to Julia, who had come all this way to fix their mistake. They could not let themselves impose on her any more than they already were.
"Thank you. It smells good." They held the cup and focused on the warmth in their hands as they took a sip. They liked the fresh feeling that the mint left behind in their mouth.
"I hope it helps. You seem a bit reserved. Is this about what happened last night?" Julia asked.
Frisk shook their head, "Not really."
Julia smiled at them, "Then what is it? You look like you have your emotions locked down tight right now. I may be old, but that just means I have experience. Let them loose. You're safe here."
Frisk shook their head, "That would be rude."
"Oh? But I asked you to."
They shook their head again.
Julia hummed. "That's alright. I don't want to pressure you. Though I do have another question, if you don't mind me asking."
Frisk gave their assent and immediately regretted it.
"You told me about your time in the Underground and your choice as you left. I'd like to hear about how you got there. What led up to your fall?"
It was the one question Frisk really didn't want to answer. Even in their blank state, they didn't know that they could confidently lie and get away with it. Simone was supposed to be the mind reader, yet Julia could see through everything they were saying and not saying. Did she lie about her soul colour? Or was this just the experience that comes with being old?
Frisk focused their gaze on the spot Julia's soul should be. When they turned their magical sense towards her, a brilliant green heart became visible to them. It wasn't visible, but they could feel the pulses of kindness through some magical sense as they watched her wait for their response.
The wall in their mind held, but barely.
To stall, Frisk took a long drink from their tea. Maybe it was the warmth filling them up. Maybe it was knowing that someone was actually listening to them and trying to see them. Maybe it was the kindness magic in the drink or from Julia's soul. Maybe it was everything or maybe it was nothing.
Once the first tear fell down their face, it was like a dam overflowing. They rubbed their eyes to stop the water, but it didn't help. All the feelings that they'd kept behind the wall slammed into them at once. Their breath hitched and they had no choice but to let it out.
"It wasn't for a very happy reason."