7 Minutes And 48 Seconds

A knock on the door interrupted Relius Clover in his very important research. "Come in," he said, without even bothering to look at his uninvited guest. As a genius scientist and creator of the most dangerous and evil things to ever grace reality (such as the nigh-indestructible Prime Field Devices, the all-consuming Black Beast and, of course, ATMs), he was smart enough to presume who had just entered his laboratory. "I expected you a little later, Hazama. Have you already finished your celebratory gloating?"

"Oh, have I finished it," Terumi answered in his most obnoxious tone, proving for a fact he had been Observed just as planned. "Man, you wouldn't believe the look in their faces as they gazed at doom staring right back at their eyes. Really, you had to be there to see it, I for one can't wait to contemplate our next move and watch as despair fills their eyeballs when they view the sight of their entire world collapsing right before their… oh, shit, I already used the word 'eye' and 'eyeball', what the hell am I doing."

"I see you've been working on your thesaurus."

"Yeah, ever since Hakumen-chan and the damn cat sealed me in the Boundary, give or take," Terumi was rather proud to admit. "I've been trying to come up with this speech for ages, there's still a good four pages to go, never mind the goddamn drafts…"

Relius nodded absentmindedly, still very much entertained with his computer. "Please do leave it for another occasion. I'm busy," it was a very intense Solitaire game. "Did you come here merely to announce yourself or do you have any updates on the situation?"

Terumi's elongated silence was never a sign of pleasant news to come. "Why don't you take a look and see for yourself?"

With a sigh, the masked scientist continued to click away at the screen. "I do not intend on entertaining your silly remarks, just to be clea…" with a small glance at the other man's direction, he immediately stopped and slowly turned around. Hazama merely smiled back, leisurely leaning against the door. "Explain yourselves."

"Whatever do you possibly mean?" the one to answer was not Hazama, but the dark silhouette standing right beside him. "It's all according to plan, isn't it? We break the loop, Noel Vermillion Observes me as a goddamn ghost…" the bright red grin elongated in a very peculiar expression on the single-eyed face.

"You seem rather calm about this," Relius remarked, almost surprised.

"Thanks I'm actually having a panic attack."

Nodding, he turned away from the neon-green gaze to question the vessel. "And what do you have to say for yourself, Hazama?"

The man in the black suit pulled back his sleeve, revealing his wristwatch. "It seems I win," he declared with the most pleased of smiles, showing the small clock to the ghost.

"Oh, come on."

(A few minutes ago)

"Hahahahahaha!" the laughter echoed, breaking the stillness and soiling the sanctity of that precious moment. "I've been waiting for this moment!" he declared, with a smile twisted by endless eras of meaningless repetition. "Now, look at me… Look at me, Noel Vermillion!"

"M-Mister Hazama…?!" the girl, the very Eye of The Azure, finally focused on his dark presence. "No… Who are you?!"

With a soft whirlwind, the vampire arrived. "Wha—" just a moment too late, "Noel! You mustn't look at this man!"

"Eh?!"

The turn of fate had arrived before their very eyes. "Hahahahahaha! You did it! You Observed me!"

A being as vile and detestable as the darkness of the very abyss he'd crawled out from. He savoured their petrified gazes, empowering himself on the hatred and fear that his presence brought before the gaping Gates of Sheol. Truly, it was an entrance befitting of his Godly status. The grand arrival so long loathed and awaited, striking terror on the weak hearts of human and inhuman alike.

It was finally time for his era to begin. "Hey, you shitty bloodsucker, who's laughing now!"

The vampire was quick to return to her usual stoic expression, in a meaningless attempt at saving face. "You seem to be laughing, alright," she declared, lips trembling with the raw emotion they tried to supress. "Are you happy with yourself, Terumi?"

"You bet I'm happy, bloodsucker!" he was more than pleased to declare, savouring the victory he'd been denied for far too long. His being, physical once more, so powerful yet weightless. "I am invincible!"

Rachel Alucard nodded in agreement. "You surely are."

"Heh," Terumi enjoyed her newfound humbleness very much. "Finally realised you're no match for me, bloodsucker?"

"Indeed," she smiled back at him, ignoring the jab. "As you are now, Terumi, surely there is no person in this Earth that could defeat you."

Okay, this was getting weird. Especially given the fact she was very clearly holding back a laugh. With a suspicious gaze, he stood his ground. "The hell are you plotting, damn bloodsucker?"

"Me? Plotting? Goodness, no," she was quick to reply, yet the laughter escaped. "I do mean every word I said. There isn't a single being in the world that could stand against you now. Wouldn't you agree, Ragna?"

As she mentioned that name, Terumi noticed that the side-eye he was getting from Ragna the Bloodedge was not one of anger, but rather sheer terror. "Huh? What's the matter with you, Ragna-kun?"

"G-g-g-g-g-g-g…!" Terumi stepped forward, prompting the vampire's little hero to burst into tears and jump away from him with a loud yelp. "S-Stay away from me!"

"What the hell," the one who had been Observed, despite his confusion, couldn't help but laugh at the cowering coward before him. "What kind of greeting is that? Didn't know you were such a wittle crybaby, Ragna-kun!" the elongated smile turned into a crescent as an awful thought crossed his mind. "Oh, I get it. You're scared that I'm gonna cut off your other arm? Gyahahaha! Don't you worry, I'll make it quick! Can't promise it'll be painless thou…"

Terumi's hand hovered over his pocket, ready to pull out the butterfly knife and finish his threat with the sweet handling of the blade. However…

"Eh?"

There were no knives, nor pockets for that matter. All that combined with a severe lack of pants. And, much worse, the absence of legs in general.

For he was currently a mass of blackness in the vague shape of a man. "Where the hell is MY BODY?!"

"Whatever do you mean, Terumi?" the vampire questioned, not at all moved by his sudden realisation. "Your physical being is very much right here, perfectly observed just as you were," she could not contain the sarcasm, but covered her smile when he stared angrily at her face. "Or perhaps are you referring to that currently empty vessel of yours?"

Terumi looked back at where she pointed, finding Hazama exactly where he'd left him. The vessel stood silently, one hand over the hat and the other in his pocket. Over the droopy eyes, thin eyebrows were slightly raised.

An overwhelming urge to walk back to his useless vessel and slap his stupid face washed over Terumi, but he did not move. He couldn't bring himself to do so, as if staying still would allow his mind to process the reality his eye did not want to accept.

His being. His great, awe-inspiring, divine being that he overworked and deceived so many people to return himself into. The outward self that projected into the world his threatening presence, awakened from the pits of the Boundary, ready to destroy and subjugate all that opposed his desires.

He was now just a shadow in the vaguest shape of a man.

With a long bright red grin.

And a singular neon eye.

"Where the hell is my body, Noel Vermillion!?" he questioned the girl, who cowered from his loud inquiry.

"As I said, Terumi, Noel has Observed you just as you were in the Boundary," the vampire was more than glad to declare. "It's a perfect recreation of yourself."

"'Perfect' my ass!" Terumi yelled in his shrill mockery of a voice, stomping the ground with his full strength. A singular pebble near his simplistic spectral foot shook a bit, before returning to its original position. "For My sake, out of all the things you could've botched, you little… What am I going to do now!?"

Rachel Alucard, as a proper lady, offered kind and thoughtful words of advice. "If you could just pass away quietly, I think we'd all benefit from it."

Terumi stared her down with all the disdain he could muster, which was quite a lot in spite of his very non-expressive face. "Well, what does it matter!" he said, as if defying fate itself, or, more likely, the petite vampire who annoyed him greatly. "I'm still invincible. I can feel the power coursing through my veins!"

"I hardly think those green lines count as veins, Terumi-san."

"SHUDDUP! It's a figure of speech or whatever it's called!" Fuming, he faced the vampire with a gaze strong enough to draw blood. "Now, come at me, you shitty bloodsucker! I'm gonna give you hell!"

With a stern expression and a loud sigh, Rachel Alucard readied herself into battle. "If you insist," with a wave of her hand quite befitting of her almost regal status, the black parasol in her hands morphed into a small cannon. "Tiny Lobelia."

"Hah!" Terumi held up his arm, covering his face in a defensive stance. "You think this shit is gonna hurt…" the pillow-shaped projectile passed through his body with the slightest of resistances, and a rod rose up from the place it landed, "… me?"

"Sword Iris."

Before Terumi had time to process what just happened, pink lightning fell down from the heavens above, crossing the ceiling with no loss of momentum as it struck down the rod right where he stood. "GYAH!"

"Oh," her red eyes widened in surprise. "Pardon me, I did not expect to actually damage you."

"Then why did you try it in the first place!" fuming and now also scorched, although clearly unhurt, Terumi wasted no time rushing over to the vampire girl. "Now I'll get you for thi—!"

"Dead Spike!"

He sidestepped just in time to avoid the hungry jaws of the black-and-red beast. The spiky monster head soon returned to the nothing where it came from, growling in hunger and vowing to itself that it would eat the tasty-looking pickle person next time. "Yo, Ragna-kun, what the hell do you think you're doing."

"I did not need your help," Rachel Alucard remarked, as arrogant as ever.

Ragna the Bloodedge promptly ignored both of them as he put himself right in the middle of the two's quarrel. "H-Hey! You stupid g-g-ghost!" his legs trembled as he raised his sword, pointing it to Terumi's face. The huge slab of metal almost slipped from his sweaty hands. "I-I'm gonna b-b-beat your ass, you hear me!"

Although Ragna declared such brave words with admirable confidence, as soon as the ghost turned his single neon eye directly at him, our heroic anti-hero was very much about to faint. "The fuck did you call me," the irate tone was enough to make the man yelp. "The fuck did you just call me, Ragna the Bloodedge!?"

"He called you a ghost, Terumi-san, which you very much are."

"I'M NOT A FUCKING GHOST!" he yelled, much to anyone with a pair of functioning eyes' surprise.

"You are, Terumi."

"Am not."

"Oh, is that so? Pardon me," Rachel Alucard apologised with a healthy dose of sarcasm and many fair shares of condescension. "Would you prefer the term spectre? Apparition? Phantom, perhaps?"

"We can't call him Phantom, Nine already got that copyrighted. If we try taking it she's going to strike us down hard, and I don't mean it in the judicial sense," Hazama complained, quite disappointed, but soon enough his face lighted up. "Oh, I know, what about Phantasm? It's close, but they'll probably let it slide."

Seeing the slit-eyed idiot gleefully chatting with the vampire, Terumi couldn't believe his non-existent ears. "Did you forget which side you're on, you useless vessel."

Hazama glanced at him with an annoyingly smug expression. "The fun side?"

"No," Terumi sighed, his shoulders dropping. "God, I can't believe this. It's the first time you open your goddamn mouth and it's to dis me."

"Second time."

"…say what now."

"It's the second time I dis you," Hazama was more than glad to correct him, all the while purposefully ignoring the single-eyed death glare the ghost spectre threw at his direction. "Oh, I know! Shadow. It's overused, but what better way to show off that edge, right?"

"That does have a nice ring to it, I do agree," Rachel Alucard nodded, sipping the tea she had her servants brew in the meanwhile. "It's also very fitting to a teenage-minded individual such as yourself."

Terumi just sighed, his shoulders dropping once again, this time low enough to become a single line from the neck all the way down to his hands. Art people call such lines "tangents", proving that mathematical concepts are a human construct and that nothing in this world is sacred anymore. "Double-teaming on me like this, do you have no chivalry at all?"

"Well, Ragna the Bloodedge started it, so aren't we actually triple-teaming you?" Hazama was more than happy to reply, because of course he was going to care about the damn semantics of it. Terumi couldn't believe the vessel would sweep this low. "My, never thought I'd see the day I would work side by side with you."

Rachel Alucard did not return the sentiment, though it was difficult to notice, as she always wore that exact same condescending expression to every facet of her life. "It's a one-time thing," the vampire declared matter-of-factly. "I would rather never be associated with the likes of you again. Why, I cannot fathom a world where we have even the slightest chance of working together as a team."

"Oh, so cold," Hazama pretended to shed a tear. "You break my heart, Rachel Alucard."

"Hazama-chan, you have no heart," Terumi felt the need to point out the obvious.

"Indeed, just like you have no body, Terumi-san."

Seeing the smug smile on that annoying face, the spectre found it hard to believe he ever wanted that for his vessel in the first place. "…why do I let you get away with this."

Hazama shrugged. "Beats me."

"I wish I could but, ya know," Terumi wiggled his eight elongated and strangely shaped fingers to make his point. "I don't have my handsome hands on me right now."

"Oh, that's a shame," the vessel didn't even pretend to care about it. "I wish I could give you a hand with that."

There was a long stretch of silence. It was prolonged by a severe lack of words, from both the receiving party of that remark and all of the three onlookers (and two mascots) who happened to listen to it in its glorious entirety.

After that lengthy consideration, in which the only sound to grace the room was the yawning of the open Kiln right behind them, Terumi finally found in himself the will to reply. "…please do and slap yourself after that."

"I second it," Rachel agreed with a solemn nod.

"I have no idea what's going on anymore…" Noel remarked from her hiding place behind the pillar, where she'd been standing ever since the spectre last yelled at her.

"In the name of the father, the son and the holy... the holy… the holy other one. Yeah."

"Ragna-kun, you're making the cross sign upside down," Terumi remarked with the shadow of a laughter in his shadow of a face. "Even I know that and I'm as far from a good catholic boy as they come."

"Shuddup! I'm g-gonna exorcize you!" Ragna yelled back, faint of breath. His shaking legs were trying to reach Mach Speed.

"Oh boy, I'm trembling in fear just looking at you. I may not even be able to sleep tonight."

Hazama raised his hand, as if asking for his turn to speak. "Terumi-san."

"Yes Hazama-chan, I know I don't sleep," the spectre immediately replied, a burning anger in his single-eyed green gaze, "it was sarcasm. Like the fact Relius called you a good vessel to your dumbass cat-allergic face. By Me, can you just zip it for a second and let me…!"

Rachel Alucard interrupted that thought. "Terumi."

"And you too, you shitty bloodsucker! Would it kill your immortal ass to just shut the hell up for a sentence!" he finally exploded. "Haven't I got enough flak for a day! I barely did anything, but you two decided to team up and annoy me, as if my situation wasn't bad enough on its own!" the spectre somehow held his head in his strange eight-fingered hands. "God, it's like you guys hate me or something!"

Neither of them spoke a word, instead merely eyeing Terumi with similar judgemental glances. But still, at the very least they listened to his request for silence. Given their track record, that was just as much a reason to celebrate as the breaking of the loop.

"And stay quiet," huffing in anger at the two for one last time, Terumi turned back to his previous conversation partner and the only one who had yet to dis him (though not for lack of willingness). "Now Ragna-kun, where were we…"

He was just in time to behold Ragna the Bloodedge deploy the oldest and most auspicious battle technique ever to be recorded in the annals of history. It was a rather bold move, considering the state of his legs and bladder, and an honourable opponent might have even admired him for it.

Terumi, of course, was no such thing. "Hey, get back here! What the hell are you running away for!?"

The one to answer was not the runaway Bloodedge, nor either of the two that had been tasked with ensuring the silence, nor even the weeping girl in hiding, but a new presence entirely.

"That would be… me."

Terumi felt a shiver go up his spectral spine. "Well, I'd say we spent enough time here," the vampire was quick to declare, with a most pleased smile, as she briskly walked to the pillar. "Come, Noel, let's meet that silly man outside."

And without even a farewell, she teleported away in a rose-scented whirlwind. Hazama was quick to pinch his nose in disgust. "Ugh, she could take it easy on the perfume for once… Oh, sorry, I'm not supposed to talk to you, is that right?" he quickly corrected his mistake by turning to the newcomer instead. "Well then, good luck, Hakumen of the Six Heroes. Clearly you'll need it, given Terumi-san's current situation."

With no hesitation to the gesture, the man of Cold Ice, Hard Steel and Swift Gaze unsheathed his katana, Ookami, slashing the air with the sharp blade before pointing its flat tip at Hazama in a warning. "Do not refer to me on such terms, empty vessel. We are not familiar to each other."

"Oh, my, you're another cold one, aren't you?" Hazama once again pretended to be hurt by the remark. "Seriously, first the vampire girl and now you… Can't you give a kind word for your fellow man for once?"

The being of White Steel, Just Void and Icy Hands was not moved by that comment, and did not retract his threat. "Neither you nor I are anything that can be truly classified as men, snake."

"We're bipedal, featherless and doomed to an existential crisis. What can possibly be more human than that?"

The vessel's argument was compelling, as much as the one of Dream Nail, King's Brand and Void Heart didn't want to admit. "Huh… excuse me for interrupting your 6 P.M. philosophy talk, but do you mind… not doing this?"

This, as Terumi so kindly referred to, was the blade currently piercing through his ethereal torso right at the glowing green spot on its middle. "You could simply move out of the way," retorted the man of Charge Slash, Shovel Blade and Wrong Franchise.

Terumi's smile was not one of joy. "Yeah, but it still hurts emotionally, y'know."

Relius Clover kept a contemplative gaze as they walked down the yellow-tinted corridor, lit by artificial lights, in the start of this never-before-experienced evening. "So, to sum it up…"

"Everything went to shit."

"Indeed, you could describe it as such," they finally arrived at their destination, and Hazama gladly opened the door, inviting the other two inside. "Why are we in the kitchen?"

"Because I lost the damn bet," Terumi answered with a sigh, as if that explained everything. Walking over to the counter, it was anyone's guess as to what the spectral being intended to do, given his lack of, well, physicality. "Fine, let's get this over with."

Hazama opened the microwave oven with a gleeful smile, beckoning him.

Terumi promptly stuck his head inside. "What exactly did you wager?" Relius Clover had the hindsight to wonder as the vessel closed the microwave door on the spectre's neck. It was a surprisingly tight fit.

"If you were to take less than eight minutes to notice what happened, we agreed to microwave Terumi-san's face," Hazama was more than happy to clarify as he pressed the buttons to configure the timer. "Any more than that, and we'd microwave my hat."

"…Why?"

He turned it on. "Why not?"

Unable to go against such innocent appeal to curiosity, Relius Clover could only stand beside the vessel as they watched the scene unfold. Though the plate inside the oven turned, the spectre's face remained stationary, facing them through the transparent door with an expression of either profound boredom or unhinged wrath. It was difficult to say which was more likely, given the circumstances.

Finally, with an ear-piercing beeping, the microwave oven turned off and the spectre was freed from his self-inflicted punishment. "I felt absolutely nothing," Terumi declared with a grin. "Apart from my face melting off, that is."

"Well, lucky for you, Terumi-san, your features remain exactly the same," Hazama reassured him. "Just as handsome as a low-effort drawing made by a three-year-old with their non-dominating hand."

"Neat," the spectre's smile widened. "I'm gonna defenestrate myself now."

Relius stopped him right as he climbed over the counter, mere centimetres from the nearest window. "If you're trying to misshape yourself, Terumi, I'm afraid that won't suffice."

His plan foiled by the sudden pull on his ghostly limbs, the spectre turned back to the masked man, emotions vile and unknown in his green single-eyed gaze. "So you'll fix it."

"I did not…"

"Oh, Relius, buddy, I knew I could count on ya!" Terumi was quick to jump back down, throwing himself at the masked man. "Always so dependable. Like a calculator," needless to say, the man did not catch him, though that didn't stop the spectre from somehow hanging himself over his shoulders instead of falling flat on the ceramic floor. "Cold and uncaring and smart and makes funny noises when I push your buttons."

"I feel slightly insulted by this," the comment fell on deaf ears. Or in the lack of ears, to be exact.

"Then I'm gonna leave it all to you," Terumi declared, as if he ever did things by himself (Things that didn't involve murder and arson, that is).

Relius Clover tried to rid himself of his co-conspirator's grasp, to no avail. The long arms, although weightless, wrapped around him in what looked suspiciously like a hug. He tried pushing the spectre away, but the other always found a way to bounce back.

"You smell of burnt wires."

It was remarkable enough to warrant the observation. "And you smell of hopes and dreams of world domination," was the surprising response, to which Terumi soon made the addendum: "I think you do, at least. I don't really have a nose right now."

"You barely have a face, to be honest."

Ignoring the vessel's statement, Terumi continued to drop his entire weight of a few milligrams over Relius Clover's shoulders. "Now let's go and solve this BS. I want my body back for yesterday," he tapped the man's arm. "Come on. Carry me."

The Colonel of Engineering did not move from the place where he stood, in the middle of the kitchen. "I am not giving you a piggyback ride."

"Oh, you're a mean one, aren't you, you damn nerd?" despite the little growl, the spectre seemed content in merely staying exactly where he was. "Fine. I'll just hang on you with my long noodle arms. Like a very beautiful and evil cape."

Given that the masked man was already wearing a cape, and one very much not human-shaped or with a malignant greenish glow around it, this seemed like a downgrade to his fashion at best. "I'd rather you did not."

"Yes, yes, and I hate you too," Terumi replied, lovingly. "Honestly, you're my last hope right now. I'd kiss you if I had any lips," the tired sight, in a moment of realisation, turned into a humming of wicked scheming. "Hm, wait, I do have lips don't I?"

That the bright red grin had widened was not a sight of good times to come. "Please, don't."

Terumi promptly ignored Relius Clover's pleas. "Hey, Hazama-chan! Get back here with my sexy lips and kiss this smartass son of a bitch right the hell now."

The vessel, who was busying himself with his own affairs while that little scene dragged on, turned back to the two of them with an empty expression. As his droopy eyes met with the white sockets of the mask, they shared a small instant of mutual understanding.

"I'd rather have a redemption arc, Terumi-san, thank you very much."

"Wow, someone's on their rebellious phase, huh?" the spectre acted as dramatically as his featureless being could allow. "After all that we did for you, all the boiled eggs and murders I let you have, and this is how you repay me? Honestly…" he shook his head in disbelief, eye squinted in disapproval at the very uncaring Hazama. "Don't feel bad, dear. I'm sure our precious little vessel didn't mean it that way."

"I feel only mild annoyance at this," Relius Clover declared, leaving nothing to imagination as to which this he was referring to.

"Great! That's why you're my favourite nerd," Terumi declared, urging the masked man to move with a few endearing slaps to his head. One may even think of it as a headpat, if they squint hard enough. "Now let's go! My body awaits!"

With a deep unsatisfied sigh, Relius accepted his fate and began making his way back to the laboratory. The spectre continued to hang over him, despite one last ditch effort to unwrap the ethereal arms from his shoulders, and was dragged along like a very unsightly addition to the pink cape.

Hazama followed along with a joyful strut, trying to step on Terumi's dangling ghost feet as he leisurely ate the egg he managed to boil in the meanwhile. Thus the new night, so long awaited by the looping world, truly began.

Hello, ProxyEdgy here.

I had to rewrite this entire first chapter because there was an error when I was editing the last touches and MS Word just decided to… delete the file. A whole document, gone. That was very demotivating. But hey, I remade it, with a few more jokes to make up for the ones I didn't remember anymore. Maybe a couple laughs can make up for the few tears I shed when that happen. Remember to always back up your files, reader!