A/N- This is a part of Reasons. It's less of a side story and more Thomasin's perspective on… matters. As such, the whole story is one giant spoiler for that fic, but I don't expect anyone to read that door-stopper just to read this fic. Also, a warning- this fic contains graphic descriptions of violence and gore, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, mentions of self-harm and sexual assault, and is just a very depressing story in general. Reader discretion is advised.

000000000

"Focus"

000000000

Thomasin's mother told her that the strong prey on the weak. It wasn't a lesson or an old family saying passed down through the generations, no. It was more like… something she muttered to herself whenever the next problem occurred. She would look up at her mother, usually through a haze of tears, and see those pretty thin brows drawn together so tight they looked like a single line, those normally but-with-much-less-frequency-these-days smiling lips pressed into so thin a line they nearly vanished as she mouthed the words to herself, sometimes over and over again the way the Wallists mouthed their prayers. Those weren't the only words her mother taught her over the years (so few years, more than she deserved but never, ever enough). There were always other words, rarely in response to a question, always muttered under her breath as she cleaned and bandaged a new cut or whispered mournfully under the night sky as she wrapped her arms tighter around Thomasin's shoulders.

These people don't care about you, about us.

Don't ever trust these people- they'll only hurt you.

These people would step over you if you were dying in the street.

She was right. About everything. Even when they ran away, they made sure to skirt around or jump over the blood collecting in the mortar between the cobblestones. Her mother taught her the most painful of lessons because she loved her. And Thomasin tried to teach those same lessons to Erwin, because she loved him.

000000000

"What if you go outside the Walls, and kill all the Titans, and explore the entire world… and there's just nothing…?"

It hadn't been love at the start, it couldn't have been. Or… maybe it was, a kind of love that wasn't what she'd felt for her mother… Maybe that feeling you got when you saw a puppy or kitten and, even though it wasn't yours and didn't mean anything to you, you still wanted to give it something to eat because it needed to be taken care of… Thomasin wasn't good at putting her feelings into words (that was Erwin's wheelhouse). But… that was probably what it was. That feeling of wanting to protect something that couldn't protect itself, something that was small and weak and innocent.

Physically, Erwin had always been big and strong, even when they were cadets. He always got top marks in hand-to-hand combat and vertical maneuvering- he got top marks in everything (except munitions). He was smart… but he was also dumb. Very, very dumb. Thomasin had seen it in his eyes immediately, vacant and dim, an endless expanse of summer-blue sky with nary a cloud or thought to mar the view. It was no wonder he could barely remember which end of the rifle the bullet came out of. She would have written him off immediately had he not approached her, those vacant eyes wide, a toothy grin splitting his face ear to ear. The last time Thomasin had seen someone with an expression like that, one of the regulars (Smalls- that's what they called him and that's the only name she knew him by) had taken either a bad dose of benjy or too good of a dose of dexy and ended up cutting off another regular's (Jack- also probably not a real name) ear. He'd smiled like that when he ate it, specifically.

That was why she hadn't been surprised when Erwin started talking about her skin and hair (her boots started sweeping the ground under the table, searching for a rock or dropped spoon- anything that could be held because a full fist was better than an empty one). All the girls said he was a heretic- it was the reason none of them wanted anything to do with him in spite of unanimously agreeing he was the most attractive boy in their year- and people who held no respect for the natural order of the world were deviants. But he hadn't started asking about what color she was down there or if she had six nipples like other animals. He didn't even ask if the hair between her legs was bushy as the hair on her head. No, none of that…

"Isn't it amazing…!?"

He'd just… started going on about other people, specifically, the other people who used to live beyond the Walls, the people who didn't look like him. He stared at her as he talked (practically shouted), and as he did, something happened to his eyes, or rather, in his eyes. She'd thought of them as without clouds before, but there had been something there before because now, while he spoke, she could see it vanishing. Those eyes grew clearer and brighter until she could see the

sky

blue sky

nothing in them.

No malice. No hate, or cruelty, or deviancy or even snide disdain. Looking into Erwin Smith's eyes as he talked about the Orientals that used to live within the Walls was exactly the same as looking at a puppy jumping up and slobbering all over you. No thoughts; just joyful, innocent expectations. Of course you had food that you were going to share. Of course you were going to play. Of course there other people still living outside the Walls. Thomasin had been stupid and naive and innocent, once… and then, she hadn't been. It hurt, when it was ripped from you all at once. Maybe that was the beginning of love, the desire to spare this dumb heretical boy with ugly eyebrows that terrible hurt. Maybe that was why she tried to teach him, the way her mother taught her, so that when the day came that his innocence was ripped away, it wouldn't hurt so badly.

000000000

"What could possibly be so special out there that you wanna jump into a Titan's mouth to see it…?"

Dying hurt. It hurt a lot if you didn't do it the right way, and Erwin… didn't understand that. He understood what death was- he'd told her about how his father had been killed

(Murdered, because he was right, he was right about everything and the Crown didn't want the truth to get out!)

but that had happened away from him, only leaving him with the aftermath, so he didn't understand. And when she tried to explain that to him (and it was hard because she didn't know how to put her thoughts into words because she normally didn't have to), that he was ignorant not because it was an insult but because he didn't know any better, he got upset. He got angry at her, because she didn't understand, she didn't understand that The Truth was out there and he just had to find it, he wasn't scared of Titans- he was the top-ranked cadet in their year!- and if he had to die to prove his father right, so be it. And all Thomasin could do was stare into those bright blue eyes and wish

for it to be over quick

it wouldn't hurt from that high up

that he would fill those ugly, massive eyebrows with some brains because clearly, the space in his skull wasn't enough. And when he stopped talking to her and revealed almost a year later that he'd gone and gotten engaged to some girl/whore named Marie (the only detail the boys of the 89th Training Corps could agree on was her name), for a moment she wondered if maybe the world had taken pity on this one innocent idiot. After all, he didn't want to be a Scout anymore. No, he was going to join the MPs now—don't look them in the eye, Toma- they hate that. Don't talk back to them- don't smile, they'll think you're mocking them. Just keep your head down and nod…

That was why he hadn't spoken to her for the last eight months, because whatever was inside of Marie's Walls was more interesting to him than other people or stupid theories or anything else that made his eyes light up and reveal that

blue sky

innocence. It made sense- that innocence had to die eventually if someone wanted to join the Military Police because MPs were the scum of the earth, the most despicable pieces of shit to taint the air with their breath and—

"In fact, I think you're jealous. The only question is, are you jealous of Marie, or of me…?"

Thomasin's mother taught her not to fight back- it was the one, the only lesson that was taught repeatedly because once was never enough because it didn't stick. But it wasn't for lack of trying. Thomasin tried to keep quiet, to keep her head down, because it was easier that way, and she did a good job of it, better than most people. But when that space inside her where all the hurts went filled up with little things, whispered insults and half-seen looks and the constant closing of ranks when she had the audacity to draw near, when the physical pain stopped working as a distraction for the pain of thought… that was when she lashed out, fought back.

That miserable little bitch Della Gauss got off easy- all those teeth had just been baby teeth. Marcus Vance suffered exactly the fate he deserved- it had been the one time the other girls rallied around her, for no other reason than that they understood that just because she had been the first didn't mean she would be the last and none of them wanted to be next in line (for anyone). She didn't have a beer bottle in hand and there was a table between them, but it didn't matter because Erwin's assault was purely verbal

Don't ever trust these people

not even the words themselves but the tone, that snide, condescending tone

These people don't care about you

because he'd looked down on her from the beginning, hadn't he? From the moment he realized her differences were only skin deep and that she didn't want to be a heretic like him (she just wanted to be left alone, why was that so wrong), he'd lumped her in with all the rest of the ignorant swine, and when she tried to teach him, to warn him, he scoffed, because he was strong and smart and brave. All the things that she wasn't, the things ignorant swine refused to be. The things he didn't want to be anymore, either, because Marie was more important.

"Go enjoy your ignorant swine life, corralled together with your ignorant swine wife and your ignorant swine children. Be content in your stupidity, and never again fool yourself into believing that you're better than anyone else…"

That had been her final lesson. She'd washed her hands of him. If any innocence remained in him, it could get stomped to death when he was ordered to beat a child unconscious for stealing a loaf of bread…

And she'd believed that until she saw him during the recruitment, the torches catching in his fine blonde hair and making it look his whole head was glowing. His expression didn't change once as he listened to Commander Shadis ramble, his jaw set as the caterpillars on his face slanted down somewhat in their anger. Thomasin didn't have a very good view from where she stood, but from what she could see, his eyes were clouded again. With thoughts. And whatever those thoughts were, they hurt, and he wasn't leaving to join the rest of the Top Ten because… because he hurt. And he had convinced himself (like an idiot) that something outside the Walls could stop that pain. Because he didn't understand- he didn't understand death or pain and… and that innocence was still there. It was behind those clouds and there was a chance, however minuscule, that she might see it again before he got gobbled up by a Titan, before she

finally got to rest

why was that so wrong

left. And she missed the Garrison sign up and joined the Scouts and when Erwin noticed and approached her, he looked scared because he thought she didn't understand death. Because he was stupid. Because he was stupid and innocent and the world would destroy him because innocent things were weak, and the strong preyed on the weak.

000000000

Thomasin wasn't strong, and that didn't bother her. There were people who would be offended to be considered weak, people whose brains consisted of a lot of pride and not much else. Because the strong preyed on the weak and to be preyed on was to be miserable and nobody wanted to live a miserable life. Thomasin agreed with that sentiment wholeheartedly, and that was why she'd made the decision to join the military in the first place. Because working at a tavern meant being surrounded by Garrisons. Drunk Garrisons. And drunk Garrisons talked, even when they probably shouldn't have. No less than three times in seven years she heard them talking about the falls. Because the Walls were tall- really tall- and when you went up that high, the winds were stronger than they were on the ground, and Garrison soldiers weren't exactly known for being careful… or competent… or sober. And when you hit the ground from that high up, well… solid things rarely stayed solid when they hit the ground hard enough.

That had been her mother's mistake- she didn't hit the ground hard enough because she hadn't been high up enough. Ten meters wasn't enough; that was probably the single most important lesson Adora Lindemann ever taught her daughter and she'd done so without a word. You have to go up higher than ten meters. You have to do it right the first time because there won't be a second time.

Scouts were allowed access to the Walls, too, albeit restricted access, but by the time anyone noticed the wrong sigil on her jacket, that wouldn't be her problem anymore. Where people (idiots) like Erwin saw a cage, Thomasin saw an escape route. A welcoming sight, like a bed at the end of a long day, something to eagerly look forward to, something that made all the annoyances and misery and pain almost worth it.

Thomasin knew she was weak; that was why she embraced death. The weak were like prey animals- their lot in life was to be born, suffer, and die. And the supposedly strong, those who likened themselves to wolves, hated death. They yelled and cursed and gnashed their teeth because death was the purview of the weak and they could never be weak. So they feared death, cowards clawing their way into the Interior. And Erwin… Erwin was dumb. Really dumb. He was neither strong nor weak- he just… didn't understand. Because he was innocent, so (too) innocent. He'd watched his father's casket be lowered into the ground after his body had been cleaned up as best it could be because bruises couldn't heal when the blood stopped flowing, but… he hadn't found the body. He hadn't watched the blood stop flowing or heard the lungs stop pulling in air, and so he didn't understand… until he did.

Because Titans were one of the bad ways to die. And there were so many Titans and most everyone who joined the Survey Corps thought they were strong and feared death as a result, and so when the first Titan tore Vincent Bier into three pieces and they all saw just how not-solid the human body was, they panicked. And panicked prey were easy pickings. Thomasin… hadn't seen a body do that before, she hadn't known that skin could rip off like that or that bowels were that long, but she understood death. She'd smelled blood and piss and shit and decay before, breathed in that mire until it became a part of her, and it didn't scare her.

Titans were a bad way to die, so when the six meter lumbered up to her, she deployed her hooks and used way too much gas to propel herself up, under its elbow and around its back, releasing the hooks and falling free just long enough to anchor them to Titan's back. Every muscle in her body hurt as she propelled herself forward but physical pain was a good distraction. It gave her something to focus on as she sank her blades into the flesh at the back of the neck, dragging her arms along until she'd carved out a chunk of meat almost as tall as she was. It was better to focus on the pain in her insoles than the fact that six meters wasn't enough because even after he'd been ripped in half, Vincent Bier still lived long enough to scream until the Titan bit his head off. If Titans were going to kill you, it needed to be one of the bigger ones, maybe closer to twenty meters so that your whole body could fit into its mouth.

Twenty meters, Thomasin later realized, was the bare minimum to make death by Titan viable. Thirteen meters wasn't enough; their heads were too small and that meant their mouths didn't open all that wide. They were small enough that one leg could get caught inside without the rest of the body and, like any stupid animal, if you put something in their mouths, they bit down instinctively.

She was no stranger to pain. Physical pain could be used, because if you were expecting the pain, if you wanted it, then after that initial burst but while your heart was still racing, it felt good, that sudden surge of relief.

The relief didn't come this time and she was pretty sure she knew why. The cuts had been deep before, often going beyond skin, beyond the fat that lay underneath and unearthing bright red, twitching muscle. One- that one- was the only one that went deeper, revealing a sliver of the pale pinkish-white bone that rendered her solid. That was the deepest it had ever gone.

Titans did not stop at bone.

It wasn't the severed skin or muscles that made the pain unending but the bone that had been crushed in half (and, she would learn later, much later, the nerves that had been snapped by the massive dull teeth). She didn't remember falling, she just remembered hitting the ground. Being crushed. Being wet. The heat. She was dying and she was doing it all wrong. It wasn't fair. Life never was but this was even more unfair- she would have traded places with Vincent Bier in a heartbeat. It was hot and wet and dark and she was supposed to be on top of the Wall where it was cool and the air was fresher than it could ever be on the ground because the wind blew away the stench of other people. It was summer- it was daytime, the sky was so pretty in the summer, that beautiful blue that hurt your eyes if you stared at it for too long, that was why her mother chose summer, she understood, she was the only one who understood and it wasn't fair and…

Thomasin didn't even try to stop the tears. She didn't care. She was already wet. She was dying and it was all wrong

"…it hurts…"

it wasn't supposed to hurt- that was the one thing she wanted, it was the only thing she'd ever asked for in her miserable life, she'd planned everything out for nine god forsaken years and none of it mattered in the end because

"…mommy… help me…"

Why didn't her mom take her with her? Why did you have to leave me…? Why did you leave me all alone…!? The air grew cooler, fresher, as the pain intensified.

"Wake the fuck up…!!"

She only noticed the new pain because it was in a different location, that was the only reason it shocked her awake, and… She couldn't think straight. She couldn't hear anything, she could barely keep her eyes open, but she recognized the… tone? Speed? Of Erwin's rambling because the only thing he enjoyed more than running his mouth about nonsense was doing so in front of an audience. He was wet, too, and warm, but it was a more pleasant warmth. He would have left her behind if he'd been smart, but Erwin Smith wasn't smart, not in the ways that mattered. He was lucky, and physically strong… and warm… and…

"B-blue… sky…"

and innocent.

000000000

The weak had no place in the military any more than the innocent did. Thomasin's existence was nothing more than a string of mean-spirited jokes the world played on her in the hopes of getting a reaction. She didn't believe in fate, but there was literally no other way to explain failing to be fully eaten by a Titan… and surviving. Dr. Yeager told her she was strong, and in that singular moment, Thomasin wished she were. She wished she were strong enough to drive her fist into the doctor's face so hard it turned his worthless brain into mush and popped out the other side of his idiot skull. She wasn't strong- she was cursed.

What kind of fucking person got partially eaten by a Titan and survived!?

It wasn't fair! There was no justice, no goodness or compassion in the universe; there was nothing but a cold, cruel, unfeeling void and she was being forced to survive within it in spite of her best efforts to escape its pull! She couldn't vertically maneuver with only one leg, she couldn't contribute on missions, and so the military had no use for her. Shadis almost looked upset when he told her she could come back to the base to gather up her belongings but she was being discharged. Thomasin wanted to spit in his face- he'd insulted her less when he headbutted her upon "initiation". What belongings? She would get her pay for the month, and she would be entitled to a pension, but she was on her own. She owned nothing but the clothes on her back. She had no one to turn to. She had nothing to help her. She had nowhere to go; she was in Shiganshina, for fuck's sake! Her only recourse was to lay down in the gutter and die… they could have just left her in the woods for that…

She said nothing to them. She said nothing to the nurses who changed her clothes and the dressings on her… stump. It wasn't a leg. She didn't speak or eat or move, waiting for the sores to open up on her back, waiting for her lungs to fill up with fluid, well aware that she was going to feel every second of it because what else could she do?

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"What…?"

The first word she'd said in days, and only because she could see Erwin hovering in the doorway in her periphery. She let him in- it wasn't as if she could stop him.

She hated him.

She hated him more than she'd ever hated anyone in all the world in all her life. This was all his fault, because he was stupid- because he was a stupid fucking idiot who didn't know jack shit about anything other than the heretical delusions his worthless daddy filled his head with when he was still shitting in his diapers—

"You're alive…"

And as soon as those words left his lips, the hate inside her crumbled into dust. Because he was stupid, quite possible the stupidest man who'd ever lived… but he was innocent. His stupidity wasn't born of malice, he didn't bring her back to be cruel; he was just… dumb. He didn't know any better. Being alive, just like being different, was a wholly good thing in his idiot mind. It was… disconcerting? That was probably the word. Disconcerting, the fact that he understood death now (Titans were effective teachers), the fact that he had to have realized that there was nothing beyond the Walls but ever more suffering, and yet he spoke as though nothing had changed. It wasn't an act- she could see the light in those bright blue eyes as he ran his mouth about dreams, her dreams, because "wants" and "dreams" were the same thing to him, because children understood complex thoughts and concepts even less than she did.

He called her his friend.

Don't ever trust these people- they'll only hurt you.

He felt guilty because her "dream" didn't come true.

These people don't care about you, about us.

He took her to the top of the Wall.

He was sick, weak- a touch of hypothermia, he'd said, brushing it off because he was stupid and didn't realize that your body shutting down was a bad way to die. But he'd carried her on his back, the same way he did beyond the Wall, and used his ODM gear to scale it. It was the first time Thomasin had ever been so close to it, and the slow ascent made her truly appreciate how tall it was. The ground was so far away- looking past where Erwin lay panting, it made her stomach swoop and flip the same way it did before a cut.

"The top of the Wall is the only thing I've ever heard you take any interest in since I met you, so take it in. Enjoy it. Savor it, because you will never have this opportunity again…"

He was right. He had no idea what he was talking about, but he was right.

Nine years.

Thomasin had spent nine years planning for this moment. Imagining it. She didn't often have dreams when she slept, but she dreamed about it when she was awake (Erwin's longer rants often provided a comforting level of background noise for those dreams- his eyes were the exact shade of blue she had always wanted, after all), fantasizing about every detail from how warm the sun would be to how loud the wind whistling in her ears would sound. For nine years, the thought of the day when it would all be over was the only happy thought she'd allowed herself.

Nine years… for this.

The sky wasn't blue. The sun was setting- she could actually see it dipping below the ground rather than Wall Maria (Erwin called it the "true horizon"). The clouds were an ugly mix of purple and orange, and if she tilted her head back, she would be able to see stars. She didn't want to see stars, she didn't want it to be night. She didn't want to die in the dark the way her mother had. She wanted it to be daytime- it was supposed to be daytime, like what her mother had wanted! She understood; she was the only one who'd ever understood but she'd messed up and now, Thomasin had one chance- she would never get this chance again, nobody else would ever call her their friend and feel guilty enough to carry her to the top of the Wall. The edge was right there. They said Titans didn't eat dead meat, but there were always animals to clean up the mess. She could just close her eyes and imagine that the sky was blue. As long as she didn't see it coming, that was all that mattered.

…Erwin would wonder where she went. He wouldn't wonder for long because there were only three ways down from the top of the Wall, and they weren't anywhere by a ladder and she wasn't wearing ODM gear. He'd probably assume she lost her balance and fell… and then he'd feel guilty because he was the one who brought her up here. Unless he saw her, saw her lean forward or jump (nine years and she still wasn't sure what she wanted to do). Then he would know… and then he'd feel guilty because he was the one who brought her up here.

She had one chance. When you hit the ground that fast, your solid body turned back into liquid and you died so fast you didn't feel anything. It was when you didn't hit the ground fast enough that it hurt, when your spine broke and your skull split open just enough to ruin everything, just enough to start the process but not finish it. Ten years and she could still hear it, all those simultaneous cracks and crunches and splats because people were just meat, even when that meat was her mom… Ten years, and what few dreams she had were almost always reliving that day, watching the blood that didn't soak into her dress fill up the mortar between the cobblestones…

She didn't know if Erwin would make it ten more years before a Titan ripped him in half. His dreams were stupid and innocent because he was stupid and innocent… he wouldn't be either of those things if his dreams became like hers.

He felt guilty… because her dream didn't come true… because he couldn't keep a secret and told the MPs what his daddy had said (the MPs he'd wanted to join. For Marie).

He stayed innocent after watching their fellow recruits turn back into meat- maybe he would stay innocent if he thought it was his fault, too.

Maybe he would consider this a final lesson and take it to heart.

He was the only person who spoke to her, who sought her out because he wanted to be around her.

It was her only chance.

He was her friend.

…they stepped over her mommy when she was dying in the street. They stepped over her as she sat there, crying for someone, anyone, to help.

No one helped her.

Erwin helped her.

…he was nice to her.

He was sitting next to her and she'd lost her chance and she began crying harder than she had in ten years because she didn't care anymore. She was weak. Too weak to even die properly. All she could do was suffer, suffer endlessly because death apparently required more strength than she possessed in her worthless, broken body. And Erwin put his arm around her shoulders as she sobbed, a puppy who didn't know what was wrong but wanted to help anyway because it was dumb and innocent and that was why people loved them; because that innocence had to be cherished and protected.

000000000

"If this world casts me aside to die before I'm through, I just wanna know if I could sing this song of love to you? One more time, I'm gonna try and find the voice to bring all the feelings that nobody really cares enough to sing…"