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Yearn
have an intense feeling of longing for something, typically something that one has lost or been separated from
It hits them all differently, but in the end, it's the pain of loss and nostalgia. The team debriefs afterwards, searching for closure.
Erza felt it like a punch to the gut, like a sword sliding between her ribs and bleeding her dry. Gray felt it like a cold wind rattling his bones, icicles tearing through his skin as he froze solid. Lucy felt it like a whisper, a word, a soft laugh, and a yawning emptiness threaded beneath. Happy felt it like a sudden loss of balance, an unmooring as the world tilted sideways.
Natsu launched himself across the room in a blaze of fire, and the enemy mage went down like a sack of bricks, yelping once before hitting his head on the ground and going still.
"Ha!" Natsu said, satisfied. "Got you."
He looked to Gray, smirking, ready to brag about his victory. He paused, mouth halfway open.
Erza held one hand fisted against her chest and the other clenched white-knuckled around the hilt of her sword. Gray shivered, shoulders hunching in around him, a stricken expression slapped across his bloodless face. Lucy pressed her hands to her mouth, tears streaming down her face and dripping from her fingers. Happy sat stunned in the middle of the floor where he'd fallen after losing control of his wings.
"What's wrong with you guys?" Natsu asked. "Are you okay?"
They came back to life slowly: smoothing out expressions, tightening muscles to stillness, wiping away tears, rising to their feet.
"Yes," Erza said. Her voice had a strange echo to it, but she tossed her head like she could shake it out. "Of course. We should wrap things up here."
Natsu shrugged it off. He wasn't one to pry.
They tied up their man, found the missing artifacts in the next room, and collected payment from their client. They went about their tasks in near silence. Natsu tried bragging once, but trailed off when the response was lackluster. Everyone else was subdued and distracted and spoke little.
They wrapped up their business and filed onto the train. Settling into their seats, they looked out their respective windows or down at their laps in silence for a long time, until the conductor announced that there would be a slight delay.
"Nothing to worry about!" he boomed over the loudspeaker. "We'll be on our way in no time. Just sit tight for a minute, folks."
"Oh, thank goodness," Natsu said, relieved to escape his motion sickness for a few minutes longer. No one else said anything, and he huffed out a breath. "Okay, what's up? Why's everyone moping around?"
Lucy and Erza exchanged a look. Gray stared steadfastly out the window.
"Didn't you feel it?" Happy asked. "Didn't you see someone?"
"Yeah?" Natsu looked around at the circle of grim faces. "I mean, magic that manipulates emotions is kind of annoying."
"Who did you see?"
"Igneel, of course."
"And you didn't feel…sad? Or anything?"
"I don't know. I guess. But he'd want me to take out that creep instead of getting distracted. Anyway, it's not like he's gone for good. I'm going to find him someday." He looked around again. "Why? Who did you see?"
Everyone hesitated, but then Happy shrugged.
"I guess we might as well talk it out," he said. "Since it's upset everyone. I saw Lisanna. I miss her. I miss following her around and playing games. She was… She was kind of like my mother, I guess. She was part of our family. And now she's gone. I don't know. I guess it just hit me really hard right then."
"Oh…" Natsu hadn't realized he'd walked into a minefield, but there they were. He was starting to wish he hadn't brought up the topic.
"What about you?" Happy asked Erza.
She didn't answer immediately, but then sighed. "Jellal. And my childhood friends. The Tower was never a pleasant home, but we supported each other through everything. We helped each other survive, and then I left. Maybe we've grown apart, but we still survived together. They were my rock for a long time." She looked to Gray. "What about you?"
Gray did not answer at all. He stared out the window, the ghostly image of his dark eyes reflected in the glass, and ignored them all. Erza bit her lip. In truth, they all knew who everyone had seen, or could at least take a guess. Gray kept his pain private, and she respected that. She did too, and she wouldn't have gone along with this exercise if she didn't think it might help everyone to briefly express their feelings. But she was loath to push him to speak of the dead and open old wounds, knowing how easily he could shut them out again.
"Oh, never mind," she said. "Lucy? Do you want to talk about it?"
Lucy was probably the most eager of them to share her feelings, but even she took her time voicing her thoughts.
"I saw my mother," she said. "She taught me all the important things in life. When things were bad, she was the bright spot who reminded me I was loved. She was the one who made it home." She coughed and looked away, feeling self-conscious. "I was just startled, that's all. I didn't expect to be blindsided like that today."
"Who did?" Happy sighed.
Natsu stayed quiet this time, figuring he had already stuck his foot in his mouth. As much as he missed Igneel, it wasn't something he normally dwelled on. A man of action, he preferred to live his life and search for an answer. He wouldn't accept the worst, not yet. If anything, he was happy to glimpse his missing father again. If—if—there was pain, it was eclipsed by that. It had to be. He probably should have realized that not everyone could brush aside sadness and loss the same way.
"With all the people we've met since then, it's crazy how the ones we feel the strongest about just happen to all be long gone," Lucy said, trying to smile. It looked warped, like melting plastic, and her eyes shimmered. She longed to lock herself in her apartment and write a long, long letter.
"Maybe not," Erza murmured. "He didn't say it was the people we felt the strongest about, just the ones we yearned for the most. It's easier to yearn for someone who isn't here anymore. We miss the ones we've lost, the times long gone, the homes we built with them."
"That's the worst," Lucy said. "Feeling like you want to go home but knowing that it's gone."
Erza had nothing to say to that. The Tower had never been home, not really, but the little family she'd built there had been enough of one.
"I saw my parents," Gray said abruptly. Everyone looked at him, surprised he had spoken at all after his pointed silence. He did not look at them, only stared out the window with blank eyes. "And Ur. I want to go home, but the place I grew up is rubble now. There's nothing left for me there. Maybe your homes are gone too, along with the people you built them with. But we're on a train going back to Fairy Tail, to the friends we've made. We built a home there too, with them. With us. It's not the same, but it's not supposed to be. It's never a good idea to get too caught up in the past. If all you remember is what you've lost, it's hard to see what you've still got left."
No one said anything for a long time, but new thoughts intruded on their painful nostalgia. Thoughts of the guild Gray had mentioned. Of each other sitting here now. Of the ones who were left.
Erza had not expected Gray to be so mature about it. He carried his past with him like a bleeding wound he refused to acknowledge, and his emotional maturity had always seemed stunted. She had expected him to take this hard.
She touched his arm, and he finally turned towards them. His eyes were dull, and his hands trembled for a moment before he clenched them together again in his lap. He was taking it hard, of course. Maybe they all were. Even Natsu, despite his nonchalance.
"Ladies and gentlemen," crackled a voice over the loudspeaker. "Apologies for the delay, but we are now leaving the station. Please remain seated as we get underway. Thank you for your patience."
Natsu groaned preemptively and huddled against the wall. "Kill me now."
Erza ignored him. "You're right, of course," she said softly. She smiled at Gray and then the others, and it was tinged with regret but genuine. "Let's go home."