Inspired by a suggestion from Julie Q (unknown uid)
In a unused and dust rife classroom, Harry Potter was thankful for the darkness and coolness of the room.
"I swear," Harry could be heard saying to himself while dealing with yet another migraine and pained heart caused by Snapes "Remedial Lessons".
"the next time he tries to read my mind, I'm going to fight back! I am going to Kick him in the balls!" he exclaimed.
"I don't care if he almost kills me," he began "I don't care if Dumbledore insists, I don't care if it is in the middle of Diagon Alley, breakfast in the Great Hall or Azkaban... and I know I probably won't succeed, but I am going to try my damndest to kick the living crap out of him!" he swore to himself.
Having settled himself enough to feel like he could be around his friends without losing his (admittedly) short temper, Harry left the classroom and started walking towards the Gryffindor common room.
Had he been even a little bit more focused, he would've noticed Dobby with a sad frown on his face, then a look of severe confusion and finally, that confusion suddenly morphing into mischievous smirk.
Staring at his Great and Wonderful master, Dobby figured he had a way to make his Great Master feel better.
Closing his eyes to concentrate, Dobby then opened his eyes and snapped his fingers, with smirk firmly still in place as he noticed that his Master did not notice his shoes glowing.
"I's hope yous gets a chance Great Master Harry Potter sirs... I thinks yous will be enjoying it muchly"
"JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER BEFORE YOU, YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST ACT HOW YOU WANT AND DO WHAT YOU WANT! WELL NOT THIS TIME POTTER!" Serverus Snape screamed in rage, as he pointed his wand at (an equally enraged and wand pointing) Harry Potter during lunch in the Great Hall.
"NO! I ALREADY SAID NOT THIS TIME SNAPE! I REFUSE!" Harry screamed back while the rest of the occupants in the Great Hall were frozen in disbelief.
The usual Harry v Snape battles are never this intense or severe.
With poorly concealed effort, Serverus visibly calmed down and slowly walked to where Harry was sitting at the Gryffindor table.
"Too bad for you "saint" Potter," Having settled from his previous rage, Serverus continued much more calmly but with great amounts of oil behind his words "as the Headmaster has ordered it to be done, and you will comply or you won't like the results.".
Wide-eyed, Harry stared at Snape as though he were someone that seriously needed to be committed.
"THAT'S IT!" Harry roared.
"I am absolutely FINISHED putting up with all your bullshit!" he started "you, a Grown Adult, continues to treat me, A Kid, like my DEAD father. You strut around like a cock with no hens and as if the smell of your own upper lip disgusts you!"
Snape looked ready to physically explode, but Harry wasn't done.
"You hate me because my DEAD father managed to get my DEAD mother to date him and not you." Harry was visibly shaking with suppressed rage/violence as he spoke "You hate a DEAD mans luck and personality so much that you've become the exact opposite of him. Unlovable, Bitter, Lonely and Unwanted." by this point Harry's vibrating was getting noticeably worse.
"AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR LIFE SINCE THAT MOMENT? " He asked/screamed "I WILL TELL YOU SERVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE... ALL YOU DID WAS BULLY A CHILD EXACTLY HOW JAMES DID YOU AND GET THE WOMAN YOU SUPPOSEDLY LOVED... MURDERED!"
The entirety of the Great Hall collectively gasped while Serverus' face shifted through the gamut of human negative emotions. Finally his face seemed to settle on some form of Crazed Composure.
Arm darting out too unexpectedly for Harry to move with a hand that felt like the clawed appendage of a lich trying to absorb his soul, Snapes hand clamped itself down on Harry's shoulder.
Face mottled with wrath and teeth clenched so hard that cracking could be heard, Severus was about to put this despicable demon spawn in his place when out of nowhere, he inexplicably felt his feet leave the ground, an unimaginable amount of pain blossom in his pelvis, his bowels suddenly voiding and his mind suddenly blanking.
Harry James Potter... had just rugby kicked Serverus Snape between the legs, and with such force and incredible form that Saracens FC would've signed him right then and there.
"DON'T YOU PUT YOUR FUC..." Harry suddenly lost his train of thought "wait... what?!"
Face quickly going from fearful rage to absolutely incredulous, Harry could be forgiven for his sudden bout of ADD as everyone else in the Great Hall were feeling equal amounts of incredulity.
All due to the horrifyingly hilarious event taking place in front of everyone.
Instead of a prone, insensate soiled Serverus Snape, ALL members of the Great Hall were subject a vision that would haunt them so badly, their great grandchildren will have nightmares.
As, instead of feces being all over the floor and his clothing, Serverus Snape seemed to be actively attempting to defend himself against... what appeared to be, well... Living Crap.
He was fighting against what looked like at least 30 Cadbury Double Deckers that were bouncing all over his face and flinging themselves at his head.
The occupants of the Great Hall were then subjected to the sight of Snape running out of the Great Hall with a cry of immense disgust (which one enterprising little turdling felt was a fine time to fly right for his open mouth).
Thus, Serverus Tobias Snape became the first person in history to actually have the living crap kicked out of him.