Disclaimer: I don't own the Owl House!

Title: Fuck the PCA

Summary: Bump, desperate for extra staff, brings a reluctant Eda into Hexside as a wild magic tutor. None of them expected just how much she'd end up loving it.

Setting: Post the defeat of Belos, pre the time skip!

...

Eda honestly couldn't remember when she and Bump started hanging out like they were friends or something. He'd been a decent enough vice principal- a bit too bright-eyed, a bit too out of the youth culture, and a bit too psychanalytic- but of Eda's shittiest memories of Hexside, Bump wasn't even in the top twenty. He'd been willing to work with her on Luz, too, which had been a bonus. Broke some laws for the multi-trackers. Bump had aged like curdled milk, but by titan had he blossomed into a decent schoolteacher.

Maybe it was the Palisman adoption thing? He'd willingly called her up for that one. Hoped she could contact Dell- or, if that should fail, carve some herself. But Eda is nothing if not great at ignoring her problems and finding creative solutions, so out came the Bat Queen. Then he'd called her about the break-in to the garden club- but, hey. Her kid needed a staff.

Somehow, it'd snowballed into this. Once a month they'd get together, chat about schooling, shit on the Parent Creature Association, and just generally enjoy adult company. At brunch. Brunch! No one under the age of thirty gave a single fuck about brunch.

Titan, was this what getting old was like? Enjoying brunch? Teenage Eda would be shuddering at the sight of her.

"No apple blood?" Bump asked, eyebrows raised, as a cup of coffee got set down in front of them both.

Eda sighed longingly. "Had to deal with the withdrawals during- well, all of it. Now everybody says I should stay sober."

"Glad to hear your alcoholism is dealt with," he replied, and the sad thing was Bump sounded completely sincere about all of it.

She tutted, leaning back in her chair. Eda was a bit torn on what kind of prosthetic to get for her arm as of yet, and ergo had none. Hooks were all piratey and cool, but a mace made for a good battle weapon. "What's this about, Bumpikins?"

"Edalyn," Bump shot back, having learned that her full name was just as frustrating as his nickname. "We're a bit understaffed at Hexside at the moment."

Eda snorted. "Are you asking me to work at Hexside?"

"I'm asking you to volunteer," he needled, as if that wasn't literally worse. "You were a great mentor to Luz. All of her friends speak highly of you. And, well..." He ran a hand across his face. "Hexside has started mixing tracks. It's gotten more students in the door than ever before. But... we don't fully understand wild magic."

"You want me to lecture about wild magic to a bunch of snotty teens?"

Bump heaved a sigh. "Eda, the youth has no concept beyond basic tracks. They understand mixing, but that's not what wild magic is. It's creating. And you're kind of the only practicing wild witch I know."

"You were born before Belos came into power. You know the basics. Why don't you teach them?"

"Because I want to retire before I croak. Also, I can't." He pointedly held up his wrist, still slathered with a sigil. "There's been talk of removing these, but unless it happens before school starts again I am literally unable to teach much beyond Abominations."

"It's more magic than I got."

"You're being difficult," Bump noted. "But you're not saying no."

"You're killing me, Bumpikins," Eda shot back, taking a long drink of coffee. "On one hand, I get to infodump about my favorite topic. But on the other, it's to obnoxious teenagers."

"Then it's a good thing you only have one hand left, huh?"

Eda laughed. Hard. That was the nice thing about Bump. Old as dirt and not overly friendly, but Titan did he have a dry sense of humor. Probably a leftover from dealing with goblins like her. "Got me there. Alright, I'll run it by Raine. See what they think."

Raine Whispers is, by all accounts, a very talented witch. Eda was never shy introducing her partner as the newest strongest witch on the Boiling Isles (what with her being retired and all) and some may find them to be stalwart from a distance. But that only really lasts as long as it takes for them to open their mouth.

"Eda," they muttered, and this is one of those times the average person might mistake them for overly serious. Their fingers were crossed across their mouth, eyes sliding up and down her form. The shriveled up remains of young-adult Eda was howling that they were judging her, finding her unfit. Present day Eda might have thought the same, if said fingers weren't hiding a blush the size of a parking lot. "That sounds... badass."

"You wound me," Eda said, smiling. Dinner sat untouched between them. "There's nothing badass about teaching."

"Hard disagree."

"Nerd." Raine stood and went around her chair, digging their thumbs into her shoulders. Eda relaxed back into their grip with a grunt. "Oh, that's the stuff."

"Think about it, Calamity," they urged. "These kids aren't going to be the same as our peers. They've gone to school with a human. They survived an apocalypse. These kids are gonna be so thirsty to learn what they were told was illegal. Remember how we were, sneaking booze and breaking rules? They're gonna do that to the government."

Eda tilted her head back to fix them a snaggle-touched grin. "Raine Whispers. Are you trying to help me teach children rebellion?"

"Not at all. At their age, they'll already be pros. But you could be the one to teach them how to dismantle the covens forever."

"Well, I do hate the covens," she admitted. "But... what if I'm not good enough to teach? I'm not exactly a big promoter of schooling. I spent most of my life happy digging through trash. Just because I lucked into a kid doesn't mean I'm gonna be teacher of the year."

Raine hummed a little, thinking it over. Eda liked that about them. It wasn't just nonsense fluff words. "I always thought you were good at teaching. Remember when we made those stink bombs sophomore year? Or when you helped me with basic Abomination mixes? You never talked down to me, you always made sure to keep it simple, and you had fun little things to help me remember."

"Because pranks and illegally learning other tracks is perfectly applicable to teaching snot-nosed brats."

"It can be! This is the Eda itinerary. You get to decide what goes on it. And I think Bump would be fairly disappointed if there wasn't some shenanigans in there."

"The Eda itinerary," she echoed, testing it out. "I like the sound of that."

Author's Note: Woot woot, the first new multi-chapter fanfic I've posted in, god, like a year? It's mostly been updates to other things and oneshots. Anyway. I loved the finale and wanted to explore Eda slowly growing into a Headmaster of her own school lol.

-Mandaree1