Darth Vader Reads Fanfiction
Author's Note: This is supposed to be humor, so no offence intended to anyone who's a fan of the ships talked about here. Also, these are Vader's views, not necessarily ours. :)
~ Tirana Sorki
We have finished a second tribute for Vader on our YT channel. Check it out if you're interested. :P No spaces in the link: youtu . be / TrRylvLR0fE
~ Amina Gila
The technology on this planet is literally from hundreds of thousands of years ago, and Darth Vader has no idea where these scrap piles were even pulled from. And to think they actually consider this technology advanced. What kind of backwater world has he even stumbled upon?
Yet this place seems to somehow have knowledge of the future, though they claim it all really happened 'a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away' or something equally ridiculous. If that were true, how is he here? It puts this planet's technology to shame even more if they think that of the rest of the galaxy was from 'a long time ago'.
He still can hardly believe that he has two children. As soon as he can get off the planet, he'll go find them. It's obvious Padme didn't die like Palpatine claimed. His next order of business is to hunt down Sidious and take over the Empire, because despite whatever these so-called movies of the planet claim, he could never 'turn back'. Nothing could ever redeem him. It just won't happen, so he doesn't understand why so many people seem convinced it could have.
Vader doesn't know how much longer he'll be here, so he continues reading through all of the information on the so-called "fictional" universe that he actually lives in. The more he knows about what the future can bring, and about all of Sidious' secrets, the better.
It's while he's in the middle of researching various things mentioned in a Wookiepedia article – what kind of dictionary name is that in the first place? - he stumbles upon a certain website. .
So naturally, he decides to investigate. Apparently, he's from the galaxy this backwards planet knows of as 'Star Wars'. Even more interestingly, he has thousands - or millions? - of fans. Who knew? And all of them know what he's done, not the just the picture the holonet likes to paint of him and the Empire. This place seems even more messed up than he originally thought.
As he scrolls through the list of recent Star Wars fanfics, he stops as his eyes fall on something about himself and Padme. Their names are in brackets for whatever reason, and the plot says something about her surviving Mustafar. He decides to skim through it, and it doesn't take him long to realize what the brackets are supposed to mean. Well, if only life could actually be rewritten so simply, because his angel is gone and all the fanfics in the world that say otherwise are not going to change that.
He continues browsing through the website until he sees something extremely unexpected. The story is marked [Ahsoka T., Captain Rex]. Wait. What? Was that marked wrong? Suddenly feeling distinctly wary, he checks out the story just to make sure a mistake wasn't made.
Wait a minute. Did the author actually make him - Anakin, rather - say that it's the best thing he's ever heard? If someone wants to write a story about him, at least they should take the time to make him sound like himself.
People actually believe there is some chance that someone as reserved and to-the-book as Rex could possibly have feelings for his commander? Not to mention that the said commander is just a little girl, who he's just growing older and older from every day? Rex, the head of the 501st, who adopted Ahsoka as their own little sister? Back in those days, Rex was his brother and Ahsoka was his little sister, sometimes more like a daughter. How could any idiot believe he could possibly agree for his own siblings to get married? What kind of nonsense is this?! Besides, by the time Ahsoka actually reaches such an age, Rex would be well into his thirties if not forty.
And if Rex actually asked him to touch his daughter like that at the age she is in this fanfiction, he'd throw him off the nearest cliff and not be there to catch him at the bottom.
Vader clicks out of the stupid story and continues scrolling through the stories on the author's "favorite" list. Most of them don't look like anything worth checking out. As he keeps going, he sees something marked [Ahsoka T., OC]. He doesn't know who or what OC stands for, but given what he just saw, he doesn't want to risk finding out.
A little farther down is [Ahsoka T., Lux B.]. Vader doesn't remember much about that boy anymore, except that he was the only person Ahsoka had feelings for, but it never did work out. He doesn't know much about what happened on Onderon, though she was having a difficult time afterwards. Before, he thought Lux seemed to be a good person for her.
And why is the author so obsessed with pairing his little sister up with literally anyone? How can people even think about things like that so much? By the time he scrolls past that story, his irritation is rapidly increasing. He does not appreciate so many people talking about Ahsoka like this. She's not some kind of galactic scum. She is his daughter. She used to be a Jedi, a genuinely good person, not one of those beings who lack any type of morality. Marriage is sacred, and Vader doesn't know why people on this planet seem to disagree.
He's about to move on to someone else's page when he suddenly sees something else that makes him stop and look again. He must have misread, because there is no way it could say what he thought it did.
[Anakin S., Ahsoka T.].
Maybe the lenses on his helmet are starting to mess the letters, because even if the website didn't prevent such things from appearing, there is no way any person could concoct something so utterly horrific. This is the most sick, twisted, appalling thing he's ever heard of! How could someone even think about such a thing?!
Ahsoka is his sister, practically like his own daughter. No matter what someone believes, that is completely out of the question. She was his padawan. What kind of idiots is this planet full of, for someone to believe this is 'alright'?
The Jedi might have hopelessly lost their way, but this is far beyond anything that would, or even could, ever happen. If a master and padawan did something like that, they would be thrown out immediately, no questions asked. For once in his life, Vader would wholeheartedly agree with the Council.
If a Master became twisted enough to do something like that to their own child, he would be more than happy to kill them. They would deserve the death penalty. Vader may be many things, but he does have a sense of morals as most everyone in his galaxy. Not to mention a person having a relationship with their child by law is illegal, facing life imprisonment or execution, which Vader had always been happy to carry out. Such forms of galactic scum don't deserve to live.
Not only is it illegal, it's also completely morally wrong. He was already married when he met her, and she was only a little girl, not even having reached her teens. He's far past her age level. Vader knows no matter what happened, there is no way he could ever care for anyone other than Padme like that. And how anyone even think of him and Ahsoka in such a way? He was the one who taught her. He taught her how to hold her lightsabers, how to fight. He stayed by her side every time she was injured – not that he wouldn't do that for anyone he cared for, but still. They fought and grew together, even if she chose to abandon him at the end. They teased each other in a way only siblings could. It's obvious these Earthlings have a very deranged and twisted definition of love.
He scrolls past the story, grateful, for once, that he can't throw up, because for the first time in years he actually thinks he might. As he keeps going, he may or may not have spotted something about his former master and Ahsoka, but hastily concludes the person who wrote it must have been drunk out of their mind and keeps moving.
He reaches the end of that list before clicking to one of the other tabs he had open which might be a little more interesting, only to soon discover that people apparently are in the habit of literally pairing up brothers. How could a person possibly look at the clones this way? He really does not want to know how many fanfictions wouldn't exist if no one on this messed up planet believed in incest.
He heads to a different tab. Why are there hardly any decent stories here? He would really like to see something that could shed some light on Sidious's plans. Vader spots another marking similar to one he's already seen, but that doesn't do anything to stop his rising rage. [Ahsoka T., Darth Vader]. As if that would ever happen?
Aside from the reasons he'd already gone through earlier, he could never replace Padme. He could never, ever feel like that towards anyone else. Besides, he would never be able to reestablish any sort of relationship with Ahsoka, not after she left. She's dead, anyway. He killed her. Not to mention marriage would be completely pointless. He's stuck in a life-support suit. He could never have children again, so what would even be the point?
An hour and a few semi-decent fanfictions later, he arrives on another author's 'favorite' list. A good deal of them say [Obi-Wan K., OC], whoever that is. Wasn't that the same person who was shipped with Ahsoka just earlier? So why is he - or she? - being put with Obi-Wan now?
Finally, against his better judgement, he decides to take a closer look at one of them to see who "OC" is. Wait a second, so "OC" is actually a girl and his sister? Twin sister? Is this another relative he never knew about? That seems extremely unlikely, and her name isn't even a Tatooine name. He checks out a few others, and in a couple she's older than him or Obi-Wan is a lot younger than he is for real, although for some reason this so-called sister of his keeps changing names. Which is beginning to make him wonder if OC stands for something.
But really, why are so many people fangirling over the thought of Obi-Wan having a relationship with Anakin's sister, whether she's real or not? Obi-Wan may be extremely messed up but would definitely not have a relationship with the twin sister of the boy he raised. This world is beyond depraved. If he could use the Death Star on it, he definitely would!
Vader closes out of those fanfics, and continues looking through the list, part of him is beginning to wonder why he's even doing this. And then his eyes fall upon the worst thing he's ever seen. And here he thought nothing could get worse than the nonsense about him and Ahsoka. [Obi-Wan K., Darth Vader].
Of all the –Even if he did a terrible job at it, Obi-Wan raised him. He taught him pretty much everything he knows, how to use the Force, how to use a lightsaber, and even how to read. Obi-Wan had been the one who taught him how to function like a normal person instead of a slave, who gave him the chance at a life as a Jedi. He was like his father for a time, and maybe a little as a brother. And to make it worse, this story is literally happening after Mustafar. How could anyone think he even would want anything to do with Obi-Wan after what happened?
He scrolls passed the abominable story and sees the tag on the next a little further down.
[Padme A., Obi-Wan K.]
The screen shatters as the computer crumples to a useless junk of metal. Someone would actually dare to think of such a thing? He's going to find every last person who is a proponent of such a relationship and make them regret the moment they ever even thought of such a thing. He's totally done with this website. Not that he has a way to continue looking at it anymore anyway, considering that the computer is broken.
As soon as he gets off this backwater planet – if it's ever been discovered before now he can understand why no one wanted to come near it ever again – he's going to institute a ban against any and all mentions of incest on the Holonet. Preferably under the penalty of death.