"…"
"Such a disgusting little world."
"How does it even work?"
"What idiotic cosmic force molded it into this shape?"
"A star…"
"It would be beautiful…"
"If it wasn't so implausible."
"This little world at least offers something useful."
"A plethora of vessels…"
"Let's see…"
"…"
"Ah, yes…"
"You're perfect…"
"Oh you sad, little creature…"
"I know who will make you smile again…"
7:00 PM
Far beyond the little towns of Dreamland, on a massive hill, surrounded by a tranquil and magical forest, stood the formidable Castle Dedede. Towering stories above the land, this castle had every basic castle accommodation. Hidden passageways, useless hallways and rooms, a moat, a courtyard, a tireless staff, a high-speed gaming computer, a fully stocked kitchen…
And a king to own it all.
The King of Dreamland was a noble figure, part of a dynasty that for centuries had ruled over dreamland with the intent of turning it into a free land for all to enjoy and live in peace.
At least that's how the king put it.
In reality, the dynasty had done very few beneficial things for Dreamland. The king, King Dedede, was no different. He was gluttonous, insubordinate, boorish, sassy, and a bit of a jerk, even to people he cared about. He wasn't exactly a bad person… penguin man… guy. On many occasions he had joined Dreamland's heroes to protect his kingdom, and he cared about his subjects enough to protect them from immediate danger. Still, he had a healthy variety of negative traits and habits that made him generally resented throughout the kningdom. And that evening, instead of bettering the Kingdom and meeting with advisors, his Majesty had parked himself in the kitchen, sinning against the very laws of cooking.
"Hmmm where is it…" The king wondered aloud in his usual Texan accent, looking through the shelves in the kitchen. He didn't usually cook. The staff usually ensured he never had to lift a finger. But seriously, the guy could run a kingdom. How hard could it be to make something remotely edible? Plus, Dedede desired something he knew the staff could never give him. Despite his luxury, the staff had prepared a disturbingly larger amount of hot dogs, tacos, and hamburgers than roast mutton, massive cakes, fruit jello… you know, generic king foods.
"AHA!" Dedede exclaimed as he pulled out what he was looking for: A tube of raw cookie dough, a bag of confectioner's sugar, a whisk, and a package of pre-cooked bacon. "Finally, mah' ultimate plan shall become a reality…"
7:40 PM
King Dedede now sat in the dining room, staring in disbelief at his beautiful creation:
THE DOUBLE BACON COOKIE BALL (trademark Dedede).
…Or at least he would be staring in disbelief at his beautiful creation if it wasn't burnt, was less chunky, didn't smell like dog food, and didn't have large portions of the original packaging of the ingredients poking out of it from all sides. All he could do was sit in the dining room, staring in disbelief at his own horrible creation.
A waddle dee wearing a bandana walked into the dining room. His name, of course, was Bandana Waddle Dee, or "Bandana Dee" for short. He was a lot like most other Waddle Dees. He was a workaholic by nature, generally polite, and fiercely loyal to the king. However, he was special in two very important, amazingly special ways:
He wore a bandanna, and was the king's designated lackey. It was a… somewhat toxic relationship. They were on generally good terms, but Dedede occasionally… expressed his anger… in… well… uhh…
Oh, forget it. I'm not going to sugarcoat it.
He hit him with a hammer. More often than lackies are supposed to be hit with giant wooden hammers.
"Sire, how's your giant unhealthy orb of sugar and pig meat?" Bandana Dee asked politely. "I'm sure it turned out very-"
Bandana Dee froze when he saw it. It was a massive, pitch-black mass that rivaled him in size, reeking of charcoal and melting plastic, with visible chunks of plastic sticking out of it. "Well… it's very… yeah!" Bandana Dee started. "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" Dedede yelled, throwing the massive orb across the room, leaving a perfect hole in the wall. "THIS WOULDN'T'VE HAPPENED IF THE COOKIN' STAFF ACTUALLY DID WHAT I PAY THEM TO DO!" "Well, in their defense, a ball of cookie dough and bacon loded with sugar would probably shorten your lifespan by a good five years," Bandana Dee said while bracing himself for the Inevitable-
*BAM*
An interesting fact about Waddle Dees: they have no bones, and most of their bodies were made of lipids and blubber, making them buoyant, durable, and delightfully squishy to the touch. Seriously, you could throw a chair at one and it would either bounce right off, or get stuck in the malleable, absorbent spot on their faces near where their mouths should be. However, it would still hurt quite a bit, and could potentially leave a bruise. Furthermore, as their outer bodies generally contained just veins and nerves, a chair could cause long term damage to the nerve endings, leading to long term pain.
A giant hammer made of reinforced wood would also hurt pretty bad.
Bandana Dee knew this, because this was the third time this week he had been hit with a giant hammer. He promptly fell on his side. the side of his head, also known as his entire body, hit the floor with an audible smack. "I AM THE ALL-POWERFUL KING DEDEDE AND I CAN EAT WHATEVER I WANNA EAT, AND IT'S THE COOKIN' STAFF'S JOB TO MAKE IT, YA' HERE?!" King Dedede said angrily. "It's THEIR fault I done made THIS 'stead of an ACTUAL SPHERE DESERT!" Dedede started storming out of the room, muttering angrily to himself. He stopped in the doorway, turning back to look at Bandana Dee. "Uh… sorry for clobberin' ya'…" He apologized. He knew he sometimes had issues controlling his unrelenting rage, and he often ended up taking it out on others. "Are you okay, Bandanna Dee?" Bandanna Dee just sighed. "Yes," he said, "I'm fine, your Majesty." "Alright. I just figured I should ask. Goodnight. Imma' turn in for the day. Doin' nothin' all day done dried out mah' brain." Dedede left the room, shutting the lights off and leaving Bandana Dee in darkness.
8:00 PM
When Dedede left to go to bed, the castle staff got to work cleaning the castle up. Washing the dishes, sweeping just one last time, and setting up the security systems, which were one of the few modern things in the castle. Now, all the waddle dees and broom hatters and plugs who had worked hard all day returned to their quarters to relax and sleep. Bandana Waddle Dee, however, didn't have any quarters.
He had a former broom closet.
Luckily, it was a very nice former broom closet, the key word being ''Former." It had a little bookshelf, a little chest full of identical bandanas, and a comfy little bed. The token bare light bulb had been long replaced with a somewhat modern ceiling light, and there were plenty of framed pictures lining the walls of Bandana Dee's past adventures and dearest friends. He also had a little chest of drawers where he kept things like his spears and his Nintendo switch… You know, waddle dee things! Bandana Dee reached into the drawer and pulled out a little orange container. It was his pain medication. Sighing, he unscrewed the cap and popped a pill into his mouth. Thankfully, he didn't have to take it often, just after getting hit with a very large hammer. Bandana Dee, feeling much better, put the pills back in the drawer and got into bed. He looked at the picture on the wall in front of him. It was one of his favorite pictures, showing him and Kirby hugging. He remembered fondly that Kirby had told Gooey, the resident blob, to hold the camera. He promptly ate it, and they didn't get the camera, or the picture, back for about a week.
…Kirby…
Bandana Dee really admired Kirby. He always seemed so happy and brave. Meanwhile, Bandana Dee found himself struggling to stay positive quite often. It's not that King Dedede was cruel to him all the time. In fact, as seen in many of the pictures on the room's walls, Bandana Dee and Dedede had shared plenty of positive experiences. It was just that those few times of getting hit with a hammer, on top of his low self-esteem, on top of his general weakness, on top of the fact that all his friends were insanely powerful…
It was just a little too much for Bandana Dee to handle.
That's why he admired Kirby. If Kirby was put into his current situation, he knew that Kirby would keep a level head and solve everything with a good attitude and a nice smile.
Bandana Dee didn't even have a mouth to smile.
Sighing, Bandana Dee shut off the lights and went to sleep. As he was drifting off, he had one thought pass through his mind:
"I wish I was happy all the time like Kirby."
...
...
"I THINK I CAN HELP WITH THAT, PAL!"
?:? ?M
Bandana Dee woke up with a start. His room had been completely transformed. The ceiling now seemed to stretch into a dark, inky abyss in the sky. The walls now not only had flower-patterned wallpaper, but they were also peeling. The entire room was now humid and warm, but not in a relaxing sauna way. It was more like an oh-yeah-you-definitely-have-some-black-mold-here-you're-lucky-you-called-me-when-you-did kind of humid and warm. The pictures on the walls were all gone, except for the one Bandana Dee had admired before drifting off. Bandana Dee quickly realized something was very, very wrong. He slowly got out of bed, the once stone floor now replaced with rotting floorboards that creaked under his weight. He grabbed a flashlight out of his chest of drawers, which also seemed particularly musty, and opened the door out of his room.
Much to his chagrin, the familiar castle halls overlooking the beach had been replaced with a hallway with the same peeling floral wallpaper and walls that went up into an inky abyss. Bandana Dee shuddered. "What is going on?" He wondered aloud. Slowly, he walked down the endless hall. He didn't know how long he walked for. It felt like he had been walking for hours before his flashlight suddenly clicked off, leaving him in darkness. His breathing quickened. The gravity of the situation was definitely starting to set in.
Suddenly, he heard something move behind him.
He turned around slowly, shaking as he did so. "H… Hello?" He said, his voice quivering. "Wh… Who are you?..." Bandana Dee stood there in silence for a moment. Just when he was about to give up and turn around, something blinked out of the darkness. At first it just looked like a giant yellow circle, which was enough to make Bandana Dee jump back and yelp in fear. Then, Slowly, a slitted pupil drifted down from the top of the circle. The horrible realization crept over Bandana Dee:
This was an eye. And it was looking right at him.
Bandanna Dee approached the giant eye slowly, sweating and breathing even faster. His heart was drumming in… well, where his ears WOULD be. "W… Who… What are you?" he asked, reaching out to the massive eye.
Suddenly, a massive row of oversized, smiling cavity riddled, clearly rotting teeth appeared below the massive eyeball, forming some kind of formless, cycloptic grin. It laughed, blasting hot, stinky breath into the face of a very, VERY scared Bandana Dee.
"AAAAAAAAAUAUAAUUAUUAUAUAUAUAUUUUUAUAUAAUUAUUUUUUUUGH!" Screamed Bandana Dee.
"WOAH THERE, PAL! NO NEED TO SCREAM! IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE'S GOING TO HEAR YOU!" The giant eye-mouth-face-shadow said. Bandana Dee, who had fallen to the floor while freaking out, stared at the face in terror. "What… Where… WHY…" He said, very well on the brink of a panic attack. "CALM DOWN, KID! NEVER SEEN A DARK MATTER BEFORE?" The giant face thundered. "D-d-dark matter?" Bandana Dee trembled. He had tussled with at least one dark matter in the past, and it wasn't this… talkative… or mouth based.
"Aren't dark matters… like… uhhh…" Bandana Dee began to ask. "WHAT? GIANT ASTRAL MEGA-DEMONS CAPABLE OF SCREWING WITH REALITY ITSELF?"
"Uh… well… yeah?"
"OH PLEASE, KID! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG! I DIDN'T COME HERE TO ALTER REALITY OR KILL FARIES OR SOMETHING DUMB LIKE THAT! I CAME HERE TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!" the giant face continued.
"R… Really?" Bandana Dee asked, a bit less scared.
"ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF, KID! MY NAME IS GRINNING MATTER!" Suddenly, from somewhere behind it, some kind of massive arm made of some kind of red substance came from behind the face, somehow visible in the darkness that was engulfing the two. "Uhhh… Is that hand made of raw meat?" asked Bandana Dee. "UH, WHEN IT ISN'T PROCESSED AND IS STILL JUST ORGANS AND VEINS AND LIVING FLESH AND STUFF, I THINK IT'S PRONOUNCED 'VISCERA!'" Chimed Grinning Matter. Nervously, Bandanna Dee shook the visceral hand, which quickly slipped back into darkness.
"So… Why am I here?" asked Bandana Dee. "WELL, I JUST GOT HERE, AND HEARD THAT SOME LITTLE SKIN-FLESH-MONEY PUPPET WANTED TO BE HAPPIER. MORE LIKE SOME 'KIRBY' GUY. AM I IN THE RIGHT PLACE?" Grinning Matter said, his giant eye looking around the abyss for someone else. "I think so! I wanted to be more like Kirby!" Bandana Dee replied. "WELL WELL WELL, KID, IT' YOUR LUCKY DAY! " Boasted Grinning Matter. "BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR SUPER-SHORT LITTLE BIOLOGICAL LIFE, YOU'RE DREAMS ARE GONNA' COME TRUE!"
"Oh boy!"
"NOW, I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING FIRST," replied Grinning Matter. "Sure! what do you need?" Asked Bandana Dee politely. "WELL… I CAN'T EXACTLY SPREAD HAPPINESS LOOKING LIKE THIS AND HANGING OUT IN POCKET DIMENSIONS. SO CAN I CHILL IN YOUR BODY FOR A BIT?"
Instantly, Bandana Dee became suspicious. "What are you asking…? Are you going to possess me!?" He asked, preparing to throw his broken flashlight directly at the dark matter's massive eyeball. He knew enough about eyes to know that it would probably hurt.
"POSSESS? NO, NO, NO, KID! RELAX! WHAT I'M THINKING IS MORE OF A CO-PILOT SITUATION! I'LL HANG OUT IN YOU BRAIN OR SOMETHING, MAKING YOU HAPPY AND STUFF, AND IN RETURN, YOU DO A COUPLE THINGS FOR ME! YOU'D STILL BE IN CONTROL AND ALL THAT JAZZ!"
"Oh! Okay!" Bandana Dee's suspicions were gone. What could go wrong? This guy seemed pretty nice for a giant disembodied set of teeth with a giant eyeball.
"You promise I'll be in control?"
"SURE!"
"And no one will get hurt in the process of these 'things,' right?"
"THE OPPOSITE! THEY'LL MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!"
"Really?"
"YEAH!"
After a short pause Bandana Dee made his decision.
He was confident that he had made the right choice.