(A\N: Another apology for the late chapter. I promise to fix my upload schedule.)
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Monday soon came.
Much sooner than it felt like it should've.
Gauthier had to head off early, leaving the Germanics to their own devices for breakfast. Usually, breakfast for them was a simple bowl of the cheapest cereal at the store, regardless of whether it tasted good or not. It was mostly a matter of saving money.
"..."
"..."
"So, about yesterday..."
"Why'd you guys even get beaten by him anyway? Was he drunk or something and just decided to mindlessly do it?" Lilli asked, pouring herself a glass of apple juice.
"... I may or may not have accidentally lashed out at him." Vash sighed, muttering an insult. "Of course you did." Gilbert put down his fork, standing up. "You got in trouble in the first place! I was one one who fucking stood up for you! If anything, it's your fault!-"
"Gilbert. Don't make this a bigger deal that it needs to be," Ludwig said "now sit back down and eat breakfast like a normal person."
"You think we're normal people?" Gilbert responded harshly "I don't know, maybe if we were considered 'normal' we'd have a mother and we wouldn't be getting beaten black and blue constantly!-"
"What's up your ass today?" Hissed Roderich, looking up from his phone. "Nothing! If anyone has something up their ass, it's you, both figuratively and literally speaking!" Gilbert exclaimed in response. Lilli held back a small chuckle as Roderich yelled back at him, offended. "Gilbert! Not only is that false, we're at the fucking table!"
"Yea, seems like a you problem buddy," Gilbert mumbled "maybe talk to her on that one if you've got a problem with it." Roderich groaned, slamming his phone down onto the table. "Just- fucking stop it, okay?! You're the one who's the problem here! Not me or Elizaveta, you!"
"... Damn. Okay. Maybe learn to take a joke."
Breakfast continued, as normal for them at least. Vash looked over at Lilli's bowl, seeing a much smaller bowl than normal for her age. Suspicion suddenly arose in him "Lilli?" He asked, getting her attention. "Are you not feeling well? That's like... a snacks' worth of cereal."
"Uh... no." Lilli seemed to hesitate, putting her spoon down. "Just not too hungry this morning." Vash's head was tilted to the side. "You sure? You've been like this for a while now."
"I'm sure. I've never been a big eater, y'know." Vash sighed, saying "This... this is like, more of a snack." She tilted her head, acting confused. It was what Gauthier said was normal for her. But, then again, a lot of what he said was utter bullshit. "Well, it's enough for me, at least..." She said, looking down at her bowl. Vash rested his chin on his hand, still concerned but deciding not to escalate the situation.
Ludwig sipped his cup of coffee, looking out at the window. "I... I might see if I can find time today to go pay mother's grave a visit." Gilbert looked up from his plate, looking in the same direction as Ludwig "Maybe the rest of us can tag along? That's if my wounds finally decide to stop hurting like a bitch."
"It's been a while, so it would be nice..." Ludwig mumbled. "I have to get ready. I've got to walk to school in 20 minutes. Thankfully it's not too far." Lilli got up, pushing her chair back in and leaving the kitchen. "One of us can drive you. You'll just have to walk home."
"Oh, no worries Vash. I'll be fine." Lilli disappeared down the stairs, leaving the brothers at the table.
"..."
"..."
Ludwig eventually sighed, putting down his mug. "You know, after last night, I feel like there's a conversation that needs to be had." Roderich looked up from his phone, his eyes meeting Ludwig's. "What?"
"We really should talk about getting out of here. I mean, it's great he's willing to support us until we can find the stability to be on our own, but in these conditions..." He gulped, taking another sip "I think maybe being on our own is the right choice here. We're adults, after all." Vash spoke in response "I understand, but my concern is Lilli. She's not an adult unlike us, and I don't want to leave her here alone."
"Yea... I mean, we've got people who'd offer us a safe place, but father doesn't exactly approve of said people, and he'd know where we are... I just... my hands are tied. If he knows where we are, that might not be good." Gilbert thought about it for a second, taking in the words.
"Not if he's locked up."
Gilbert's suggestion gained a response from Ludwig, "I... I mean, you're right. We could. I mean, me and you have Feli and Lovi, Roderich has Elizaveta... Vash though..." Vash sighed. "Mhm. I mean, not all of us have a place to go, and also our funds are low."
"Also, do Feli and Lovi even have room? There's their little brother, and their dad. Hell, I was in Lovino's room yesterday. I don't know if they've even got one guest room." Ludwig groaned, rubbing his temples.
"My god, we're fucked..."
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Gilbert laid in his room, his head still aching. Fresh cuts and bruises painted his pale skin, giving contrast to it. The black brick wallpaper in his room had a tint from his red string lights, the walls littered with posters. Dirty dishes laid on the stool sat at the foot of his bed, building up more and more everyday. The beer bottles were hidden, much better than Gauthier could check.
What had happened yesterday was... unlike anything before. Sure, there were some pretty bad beatings, but that bad?
...
Gilbert wrapped his arms around himself, still shaken from it. Sure, just because he acted the bravest didn't mean he was. Inside, he felt just as scared as his siblings, but... it just felt normal by now. He felt like he had to ignore his fear to survive, yet the others let their fear of Gauthier control them, and they were fine?...
...
Maybe he just had to let it all happen.
But... no. He felt conflicted in his thoughts. Standing up and showing no fear seemed like the reasonable one to him, but in a way, he felt as if he just kept obedience like his siblings, it might be a better option.
Gilbert dug his head into his pillow, trying to drown out the memory of yesterday. The thoughts taunted him like nothing before. Every time it was brought up by his brain, it felt like the room was closing in centimetre by centimetre. His throat was painfully dry as he pulled his knees up towards his chest, unable to stop his tears. He mumbled "N- No... please just forget it already..."
He shuddered, feeling nearly the same fear he did at that very moment. Like it was happening all over again. He cowered back into the corner of the bed that bordered his wall, his back hitting it with a thud, frightening him. He jumped slightly, looking back at the wall, frightened.
He hugged his knees tighter, staring down at the bed, mentally begging for it to stop. "Just- stop it! Why won't this mental torture end already!?"
It lasted for what felt like hours, Gilbert feeling the past memory replay right in front of him. He was prone to having moments like this, but... just... why? Gilbert thought that his brain should've been used to it all by now. But no! Of course fucking not! Gilbert; Gilbert fucking Beilschmidt just couldn't catch a fucking break! Why couldn't he just have a normal life like all his buddies?!
Gilbert hit himself in the head, frustrated with himself. He gulped, falling back onto his bed, trying to taken deep and relaxed breaths. The breaths he took went from heavy and short to a more calmer pace, cradling his arms around himself.
...
Gilbert sighed.
"Why am I like this?..."
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The family sat down for dinner, but someone was missing.
"... Where's father?"
Vash sighed. "Beats me. Left at like, six in the morning and he's been gone since." Ludwig stretched, his back making a cracking sound. Gilbert looked up from his plate. "You good, bro?" Ludwig nodded as a response. Ludwig seemed beyond exhausted, the dark circles under his eyes being the first thing you'd look at when you saw his face, that's how prominent they were. He continued eating, rather slowly.
The table remained silent, until the front door opened.
All their eyes shot toward the door, seeing Gauthier stumbling in. He made eye contact with the group at the table, raising eyebrows. Gauthier exclaimed "What?!" Quite abrasively. The siblings looked back at their plates, no response given. Gauthier rolled his eyes, walking towards his study. Ludwig hasn't eaten much, seemingly waiting for something. Gilbert had noticed, his concern as an older brother settling in.
"Lud," he began "why aren't you eating?" Ludwig shook his head, scratching the side of his face. "No reason."
Dinner went along, rather silent. No one seemingly dared to speak, almost as if there was some kind of impending doom lurking over them. The only noise was the sound of forks against plates, drinking, chewing, and the rhythm of Gilbert's feet tapping against the tile floor.
Ludwig got up, excusing himself. "Excuse me. I've got some matters to attend to." Ludwig put his half-eaten plate on the counter, leaving it for Lilli to wash later on. He headed to the front door, putting on his dark green jacket and boots. It was a chilly evening, as summer transitioned into autumn once again.
The house had two vehicles, a truck that Gauthier was only allowed to use most of the time, and a smaller car shared among the four brothers that could drive. Admittedly, Ludwig had been the one who bought it, and was the primary user of it. Ludwig got into the car. It was messy, Ludwig never having the energy to clean it. It just seemed... too hard for him. It smelled of cigarettes from Vash and Gilbert, and had trash that no one had bothered to throw out.
He started the car, noticing how off sounding the engine was. Besides, the car was quite old, despite the brothers only having it second hand for around a year now. Cheesy pop songs flooded the radio, Ludwig only keeping it on as a distracting from the irritating sound of the engine.
He'd drove down the same way he did the previous night - a certain place in mind.
His mother's grave.
One of the only places that brought him comfort.
Even if it was a cold, lonely, worn out graveyard, most graves abandoned to time, Ludwig still went there. He would sit there for hours by that one gravestone, reminiscing on those few precious years with her.
He stepped out of the car, the sunset bringing an unusual warmth to him. The grave's location came like second nature to him, Ludwig immediately walking towards it. The name on it...
Alia Odila Zwingli...
He sat down by it.
...
For about six months after her death... none of the brothers could remember anything. Hell, none of them seemed to remember most of their childhoods. But it was honestly okay. They weren't the greatest anyway.
But Ludwig had brief memories of Alia. The woman he knew as his mother. Being so young... Ludwig had never realized how overworked she was. She was only 18 when Roderich was born, and from then on, her life was miserable.
When Alia was dying... she was still working. Working every single day till she was bedridden. Having Lilli while her body was already struggling was a disaster...
But Ludwig couldn't pull himself to blame Lilli. She didn't choose to be born. She didn't choose for Gauthier to-
...
Ludwig closed his eyes, sighing.
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"Mama?"
"What, Ludwig? You're supposed to be in bed, dear."
"I had a bad dream..."
Alia sighed. She picked up the young boy, holding him close. "Nothing can hurt you while I'm here, alright?"
Ludwig was too young to understand how exhausted Alia was. He didn't understand how Gauthier treated her. He didn't understand how much of a shitstorm his parent's marriage truly was. He just couldn't understand such difficult concepts at his age.
Alia brought him back into his bedroom, whispering a gentle lullaby to calm him. The voice soothed him, making him feel a sense of security. His body seemed to drift off, falling asleep to the sound of the gentle singing.
Alia kissed his forehead.
"Sleep well, Ludwig..."
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Ludwig felt tears drop down his face, his sleeve unable to wipe them all. He eventually just gave up, letting the tears fall like a booming waterfall. Those few memories he had of her were the most valuable thing he thought one could own.
And now she was gone.
Forever.
...
Ludwig sat there with a blank mind for a while. He just... he wanted her back. Alia was the sweetest person he'd ever known. Despite being worked to sickness and beyond, she still made time for her little boys. The ones who, although not little anymore, still needed her like they did all those years ago. He missed the old Ludwig. The one who wasn't as stressed, irritated, and just miserable. What happened to being a kid? Even if his childhood was miserable, he missed the good parts of it. The parts that his brain wiped out with all the bad memories.
He hugged his knees, his head hanging low. Seeing that the sun had almost set, he saw it was time to say goodbye. Bidding the headstone one last farewell for now, he stood up, walking away. The drive home was solemn, Ludwig just bearing with the sound of the engine by now.
He seemed to disappear from reality - his movements almost automatic. Arriving at the front door of the place he regretfully called home, he opened it, expecting an angry Gauthier to start asking where he was. Instead, he was greeted by Roderich.
"Ludwig! Where were you?!" Roderich exclaimed, a worried tone in his voice. Ludwig gulped, replying. "I... I went out to visit mother." Roderich sighed. "I was calling and- and texting you but you didn't reply!"
Ludwig took his phone out of his pocket, seeing the missed calls and texts. "Why were you so worried?" He asked "is something wrong?"
"Gilbert and father are fighting..." Roderich facepalmed "... again."
Ludwig hadn't seemed to notice the arguing when he came in. His brain was so used to it, it was just... background noise at this point. He sighed, hearing the argument happening in the living room.
"Oh, and did I mention they're both drunk?"
"... You've gotta be fucking kidding me."
Ludwig and Roderich walked towards the stairs, not in the mood to deal with the arguing. "Honestly, Roderich, I've gotta admit it," Ludwig said "Gilbert needs to start realizing that fighting back like this is doing more harm than help. He's provoking father even more, and when he gets more aggressive, that's when people get hurt!"
Roderich sighed. "I see where you're coming from. But... someone's got to put him in his place. And it's nearly impossible to get things through his skull."
The two discontinued their conversation, walking towards their rooms. Lilli was still downstairs doing laundry, while Vash was nowhere to be found in the house.
Ludwig had some work to do, sitting down at his room's desk and opening up his laptop. He typed and typed away, time becoming nonexistent to him. An hour passed before the noise of his door slamming open knocked him out of his focused state. He looked over to see Gauthier standing in the doorway.
"What are you doing?" Gauthier asked "work?" Ludwig nodded, sighing. "Good. At least you're being productive. Any chance you can pick up a few things on your shopping run tomorrow?"
"Yea, sure." Gauthier placed the list on Ludwig's desk, before walking out. Gauthier had a fondness for Ludwig, appreciating how obedient he was towards Gauthier. If Gauthier could choose just one of the five to carry on his legacy, it'd be him.
As much as Ludwig didn't want to disappoint his own father - a man almost completely unspoken, with a backstory shielded by a dark haze it seemed, he just...
He didn't feel worthy enough to.
Ludwig was only forced into such a position because of how Gauthier viewed him, not because he wanted to.
He had dreams of a normal life. An ideal life. A life where he didn't spend what seemed like meaningless hours working his life away. He dreamed of a different Ludwig - a Ludwig living a modern city life, with dogs as 'kids', with Feliciano right by his side.
... But he couldn't have that.
All because of Gauthier.
He would've much preferred Ludwig be with a woman, where they'd live in some old, 'classic' home with actual human kids.
Ludwig sighed. He pulled something out from behind the very back of his desk's drawer.
A photo of him and Feliciano on the night they'd truly fallen in love. The sky was full of glistening stars, both men having glasses of red wine in hand. On the balcony of the house Feliciano called home, he pulled Ludwig in gently by his tie, giving him a gentle kiss, which Ludwig reciprocated. Kiku had taken the photo at the perfect moment.
Ludwig held it in his hands, a warm fuzzy feeling growing in his heart. He loved it. Just as much as he loved Feliciano.
But it couldn't happen.
If Gauthier ever found out that Ludwig was gay...
...
Ludwig gulped, shaking his head. He looked at his watch, noticing the time. It was half an hour till midnight, Ludwig had completely worked the time away. He changed into something comfier - not exactly pyjamas, but something comfortable he'd usually sleep in. The room was simply lit, the only light source left on being a lamp by the door.
He laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He just felt... too tired to do anything anymore.
...
"Why is life worth living anymore?..."
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(A/N: No beta we die like Alia)
(And to all my readers - sorry! I completely forgot to upload chapters 4 and 5 so I'm doing it now.)