Love & Loss
A/N: Hi all! So I feel like this author's note is pretty important. I read a lot of shorts/compilations on here, and I gotta say, I love them and the freedom they bring. You can just write whatever comes to mind - it doesn't have to go anywhere. I am particularly fond of Sand, Sun, and Sea by AnthroQueen (go read it!). The idea of drabbles that fit a mood, even if they are short, feels so fun to write! I am fairly ~obsessed~ with both Suliet and Taylor Swift, so I wanted to do drabbles that combined those two loves. You don't have to know her music (or even like it) to see how the lyrics might tie in with the inspired story. They may not even match up perfectly - it is just for inspiration.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this weird thing I'm doing! Each "short" will be independent of the others. (Side note: James is used for a particular persona and Sawyer for the other. I do switch between them, depending on who I feel he 'is' in that segment). It's a healthy mix of happy and sad, PG and PG-13 (with #15 bein' a litttttle bit M if you need to skip it). :) Happy reading!
Disclaimer: The music belongs to Taylor Swift and is from her Fearless album (Taylor's Version). I don't own the music nor do I own the characters from Lost. I just so happen to be obsessed with both. :-P
Chapter One: Fearless
#1 - Fearless
Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something - it's fearless
When the storm knocked the power out, Juliet groaned. She fumbled around in the dark, trying to find the flashlight, when suddenly James' face appeared, the flashlight pointed up at his chin.
"Lookin' for this?" he teased.
"Yes, I was. Are you going to tell me a scary story or something? Why are you pointing it at your face like that?" she chuckled.
"I dunno. Maybe I will tell ya a scary story. It'll be like we're at camp or somethin', sneakin' around behind the counselors' backs." She leaned her back against the kitchen counter and laughed again, imagining a teen James getting into all kinds of trouble at summer camp.
"I'll bet you'd do all kinds of naughty things behind their backs. I'm sure you were a terror as a teenager."
"Don't you know it, sweetheart," he crooned as he stepped closer to her in the kitchen. She felt her pulse quicken as he flicked off the light.
"Why did you turn it off?" she asked, trying not to let her anxiety slip into her voice.
"Why do ya need it on?" He took another step closer.
Why did she need it on? She wasn't scared of the dark. Then why was her heart racing? "I guess I don't," she found herself saying softly. In fact, the darkness felt like a comfort. She couldn't see his face, but he couldn't see hers either.
She stepped closer to him, feeling suddenly, unexpectedly brave. She reached out and found the flashlight in his hand. Her fingers clasped over it and she removed it carefully from his grasp before turning and setting it down on the counter behind her. Despite the storm raging outside, it felt quiet in their small kitchen.
She swallowed as she brushed her fingers against his forearm. She felt goosebumps rise on his skin. "I didn't peg ya for the sneakin' around type, there Blondie," he said, trying to tease her. But she heard the wavering uncertainty in his voice. She was making him nervous.
Juliet reached out with her other hand and stroked his cheek. She felt him lean into her touch, whether he knew what he was doing or not. "I'm not," she agreed, voice soft, just above a whisper. "But as long as the lights aren't on, we can't get caught." She hadn't meant to sound so sultry, but was pleased when she realized it had come out that way. This was totally unlike her, but clearly she was taking James by surprise, which thrilled her, encouraging her to continue. "We just need to be quiet and they won't find us," she whispered, suddenly loving this game they were playing.
He set a tentative hand on her hip and pulled her against him. She used both hands to trace his hairline with the tips of her fingers, from the top of his head down to his ears. "Wouldn't want that, now would we?" he murmured, his voice deep.
"Definitely not," she agreed. Feeling even braver still, she used her thumb to trace his bottom lip, eliciting a groan. She smirked, wondering how in the hell they had gotten here. Sure, they flirted all the time, but it was harmless. It's easy to do that when you're roommates. This felt… different.
He used his thumbs to slip inside her shirt and rub her lower back, just above the waistband of her jeans. She shivered, and brought his face down to nudge his nose with hers. They were dangerously close now, and she could feel his warm breath on her skin. The anticipation was becoming more than she could bear, and as much as she was enjoying this game, she couldn't wait anymore.
She slowly, gently, pressed her lips against his. They were soft and warm and he pressed himself against her with equal tenderness. Their lips fit together perfectly, and she groaned when the tip of his tongue ran along the length of her bottom lip. Her senses were overloaded. He smelled incredible, and one hand cupped the back of her head while the other rubbed circles on her lower back. Her own fingers were buried in his hair at the nape of his neck.
She felt him everywhere all at once. It was the kind of kiss that made you dizzy, but it was so good that you didn't want to pull away. She hadn't known it would feel so right - kissing him. All this time, all the mindless flirtation and arguing and denial - it felt pointless. They could have just been doing this all along. Juliet found herself lost in the kiss, wishing to make up for lost time.
Neither of them noticed when the lights came back on.
#2 - Fifteen
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Clementiiiine, happy birthday to you!"
Clementine blushed. She shouldn't enjoy being sung to this much at thirteen, but she did all the same. She was surrounded by her family and friends and the party had been so much fun so far. Her dad planned a great party. She was surprised her mom had even let him, but with her new baby she had a lot on her plate, so Clementine understood.
She knew they had a rough start, with him not being there when she was little, and it took her mom a long time before she would allow Clementine to even call him 'dad,' but he was a really good one. Whatever changed between the time she was a baby and when he came to meet her when she was six, she was grateful for it.
She loved coming to her dad's house. He had all the best gaming systems and let her have cookies for dessert, even though they kept it a secret from her mom. When she first met him and started to get to know him, he seemed sad and quiet, but over the years they had become thick as thieves. She'd never ever admit this to anyone, but he'd become her best friend. She felt like she could tell him anything and he would understand.
He stuck his finger in the side of the cake and plopped icing on the tip of her nose before taking a picture of her stunned face. She laughed, despite her embarrassment, and stuck her own finger in the icing, chasing after him to get him back. He caught her up in a hug and let her smear the icing all over his face, grinning like an idiot as she did so.
Dads are so weird sometimes.
#3 - Love Story
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said, "Marry me, Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
Juliet felt lightheaded as she gripped James' hand in hers and wove through the hospital's hallways on the way to her office. They were together again and she was elated; she had so much adrenaline pumping through her body that her hands were shaking. She knew they needed to be at the church, but this couldn't wait. She felt a desperate, aching need to throw herself at him when they finally arrived at her office and she slammed the door closed behind them.
His kiss was desperate and hungry, and she yearned for him; she needed to be as close to him as two people could possibly be. His hands were in her hair and hers were up under his shirt, scraping frantically at his chest. But the moment she started to pull off his shirt, her work phone rang in her pocket. She wanted to ignore it, but she had patients, and one of them could be in trouble.
She pulled away, lips tingling and knees weak. He groaned in protest but she sighed and apologized before answering the call. It wasn't an emergency but she scratched her forehead and closed her eyes briefly, annoyed at the interruption, as she answered all the nurse's questions on the line. She saw James wander over to her desk out of the corner of her eye, but she didn't see what he was doing.
When she hung up the call, she turned back to face him. He was sitting in her chair, smiling.
"What…?" she asked curiously.
And then he slowly got down on one knee, eyes never leaving hers. She blanched, confused, but took the hand he offered to her.
"James, what are you doing?" she breathed, eyes going wide.
"What I shoulda done a long, long time ago, sweetheart," he answered confidently, albeit also with a mournful sadness to his tone.
"But we're both - " she started, but he interrupted her.
"Dead? Don't care. When we show up to that church, I want there to be a ring on your finger. I didn't have one on me, so I made ya this." He proudly held up a metal paperclip, bent haphazardly in a circle. She giggled when she saw it, realizing he must have just now made it while she was on the phone. She covered up her mouth with her free hand when the full weight of what was happening hit her.
"Juliet, I had a ring for ya back in Dharmaville. I don't know why I never gave it to ya. I guess… I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted you to have the perfect proposal with the perfect speech and the perfect everything… but the reality is, I think I just got scared. Lookin' back on it now, the perfect everything don't exist. We had amazin' memories that I let just pass us by cuz I kept comin' up with stupid excuses why it wasn't the right time to ask. I regretted it everyday for the rest of my damned life." He grit his teeth and she had to bite her lip to hold back tears. "None a' that matters now. I ain't got any flowers, or music, or moonlight, or any a' the things I wanted to have. Hell, I don't even have your damn ring. I threw it off the dock after you… well."
"James, it's okay…" Juliet started to say, trying to comfort him. But he held up a hand.
"Just lemme finish, okay? I don't have a speech or nothin' but I wanna do this right. I thought about it a lot and though I don't have any a' that stuff with me, I know it don't matter. Not really. All I needed was just me an' you. All that matters is that I love you, and you love me, and clearly we were meant to be together. You were wrong. Cuz you an' me? It was destiny, baby." He shook his head and choked out a sob, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I don't know what comes next, but I ain't gonna let you face it alone. So… before we go to the church and face it together, will you marry me?"
She felt her whole body trembling. He was right. She never needed any of that stuff. She only ever needed him. "Yes," she whispered, and she laughed as he slid the paper clip onto her finger. It was loose, but she didn't care. He swept her up into his arms and whirled her around and she felt lighter than air.
Some time later, after they'd made love on the couch in her office, they swung by the jewelry store and she picked out a simple solitaire, eerily similar to the one James had picked out for her, so he had told her. They went back to her house and made love once more before changing their clothes and heading to the church.
When the bright light enveloped them, she clung to James' arm. His fingers traced the ring on her finger and they both smiled at each other, knowing that no matter what came next, they would be facing it together.
#4 - Hey Stephen
I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
Mmm, I can't help myself
James radioed in, griping about how his jeep had broken down. He demanded they send Juliet specifically, after they initially told him they'd send him Mark. He was insistent; it had to be Juliet. He made up some excuse about only trusting her to get the job done and that he was on a time crunch.
He wasn't. He just missed her. It had been two weeks since their first kiss, and she'd been skirting around him more than usual since then. He knew she was afraid of 'this' - whatever 'this' was. He knew her well enough by now to know she tended to withdraw rather than letting herself get too close to people. He could read her better than she thought he could. But he was selfish, and he missed her, and if it meant tricking her to come out here and 'help' him, then so be it.
She arrived soon after he called, and he smiled at her from where he leaned against the jeep. She waved, put the van in park, and exited. Before she could get the toolbox out of the back of the van, James had approached her. He leaned against the back of the van with one hand, preventing her from opening the doors.
"What are you doing? My tools are back there," she said, confused.
"Ya don't need 'em, sweetheart," he crooned and flashed her his dimples.
"Um, yes I do. How else can I fix the - " she started to say, but then stopped. She understood. "Your jeep is fine, isn't it?" she grumbled.
"Yep."
"So you called me out here for what, exactly? Other than to waste my time?" She put her hands on her hips.
"Oh come on now, Blondie. Ain't a waste of time if we actually make good use of it. We're all alone out here, ya know." He tentatively reached out a hand and cupped her bent elbow. He rubbed his palm down her forearm and she didn't fight it. But her eyes never left his. She didn't want to have this conversation.
"James, I don't think - "
"Think what? That you and I is a good idea? That we can't make it work out here in the 70s? Sure, I hear ya. But also consider the fact that we could." He gave her forearm a gentle tug and she stepped forward, drawn to him like a moth to a flame. She couldn't help it. "If ya ain't ready to talk about it, then we won't. But I missed ya and I wanted to see ya. You've been avoidin' me an' all."
She frowned and leaned against the van door with her shoulder, facing him. "I'm sorry. I've just been… processing…" She shook her head and sighed. That was the polite way to put it, but he was right. She had been avoiding him. But seeing him got her so worked up she couldn't think straight. And she didn't want to just rush into something out of a combination of horniness, loneliness, and circumstance. She wanted it to mean something.
"I know. An' it's okay. But now I got ya all to myself. What do ya say you pause your 'processing' and come 'ere?" He grinned as he opened up his arms and she grinned back as she folded herself into him. He didn't push her, he just held her, and she breathed in his scent along with the scent of the jungle and the incoming rain.
Rain?
She felt the first few drops splash against the top of her head. She looked up at James, eyes wide, but he only grinned harder. She tried to open up the back of the van before the rain came down even harder, but he only laughed and dragged her further away from the protection it provided. He whooped and hollered as the rain came down harder, and she couldn't help but laugh at his childlike joy.
It felt as natural as breathing as she pressed her lips to his.
#5 - White Horse
Say you're sorry, that face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on, the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should've known, I should've known
He looked at Kate, as she looked at him, and the tightness that she'd had in her belly ever since Kate's arrival pulled taut.
There it was. Plain as day. All her worst fears had crawled out of her head and made themselves apparent in front of her. She could barely look at him as they trudged back to meet Jack. He tried to hold her hand but she yanked it back, building her wall back up brick by broken brick. Her desperation to erase him from her memories made her nauseous.
She felt numb. All this week he had reassured her that this changed nothing; that their arrival didn't mean anything. He fought so hard to keep their world from unraveling that she almost believed the desperation he showed. He seemed to want things to stay the same just as much as she had, and yet, it seemed as though she had been right about his feelings for Kate all along.
He approached her in the jungle, screaming, trying to understand why she sided with Jack. His eyes were crazed and his expression was pained. She wanted him to hurt just as much as she did.
He said he was sorry, but it was too late for that. The wall was built, and she made peace, yet again, with the fact that she would never compare to Kate. She should have known better. Life with James had just been too good to be true.
Later, as she dangled over the magnetic chasm dragging her down, she saw the truth lying bare on his face. That was the expression of true desperation. And she realized with painful clarity that she'd been wrong. So, so wrong.
He really did love her. He really had chosen her. She had been wrong.
She told him she loved him because that was all she could do now. She desperately wanted him to understand.
She was so, so sorry.
#6 - You Belong With Me
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're 'bout to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me 'bout your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me
The bath was hot and the bathroom mirror was steamed up. Juliet sighed as she leaned her back against James' bare chest. Baths were her favorite, and it didn't take much convincing for him to join her this evening. The tub was a little small, but she sat on his lap and bent her knees slightly out of the water and they were both able to fit.
He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and leaned down to kiss her slippery neck. She let out an 'mmm' sound and he chucked. She could feel it rumbling in his chest behind her.
"I ever tell you you're my best friend?" he murmured against the skin of her jaw.
"No, but I assumed," she smirked and closed her eyes, placing her hands on the forearms wrapped around her chest.
"Well, ya are," he said confidently. "No one in the world gets me like you do." He moved his lips to her earlobe, kissing it delicately. "I ever tell ya I love you?" The words felt hot and tickled her ear.
Her eyes flew open. He hadn't.
"Not yet, no," she breathed. He kissed her temple.
"Well I do." She turned her head, angling her back so she should look him in the eye.
"You do?" she asked. She felt tears pricking the backs of her eyes. She never expected in her wildest dreams that he would fall in love with her.
"I do. Very, very much." He looked into her eyes and she saw how serious he was.
"I love you too, James," she whispered, and leaned over to press her lips against his. "Very, very much."
#7 - Breathe
I can't breathe without you,
But I have to.
"I wanted you to be able to go home."
The words haunted him. One scoop.
He wanted to die, and be down in that hole with her, but he couldn't. Not now. Not when she'd said that. Two scoops.
He didn't even want to go home. Not while she still remained here. Three scoops. Her legs were covered now.
He felt like he couldn't breathe. The sound of Miles' sniffling next to him rubbed him the wrong way. Four scoops.
What the hell would even do in the real world without her, anyway? Five scoops. Her waist was covered.
He supposed he could try and meet Clementine, but would she even want to see him? He'd make a shit father. Six scoops.
He didn't even know how the hell they were even gonna get off this rock. So what did any of it matter? Seven scoops.
It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. She was the one who deserved to go home, not him. Eight scoops. Her chest was covered now.
What the hell was he gonna tell Rachel? Would he even have the balls to go see her? Nine scoops.
He couldn't do any of this. He couldn't do anything without her. What was he thinking? He had a gun tucked into his pants. He could just end it all. Be with her again. But she wouldn't like that. She just wanted him to be able to go home.
The tenth scoop covered her face, and he leaned to the side to vomit.
#8 - Tell Me Why
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why
She didn't even fully remember what they'd been fighting about. All she knew is he had broken the living room lamp and stormed off, and now she was left behind cleaning it up.
It had all started when Juliet had brought up the idea of getting on a sub and getting the hell out of here. It had been over a year since Locke left them. Their friends were never going to come back. How long were the five of them going to just sit around and wait?
But it had devolved. James had ranted about not being enough for her. Where the hell did he even get that idea? Nothing he said made sense, and soon enough, he was screaming. She'd been so surprised by his outburst, she hadn't said anything in response to him, which only fueled his anger.
Then he hit the lamp, shouting at her to 'just fucking say something.' She remembered when it fell, shattering all over the floor, she gave him what he wanted. She narrowed her eyes accusingly and screamed at him. "Why do you always fucking do this, James? You ruin everything you touch!"
He stormed off, slamming the door behind him, barely giving her time to apologize. And so she sat on the floor and cried, cleaning up the mess he'd made.
When it was time for her to go to bed and he still wasn't home, she felt sick to her stomach. She left a pillow and blanket out on the couch, hoping he'd get the memo, and cried herself to sleep.
When he crept into their room at four a.m., she barely remembered (or cared) about what had happened the night before. She took him into her arms and wiped her thumbs across his wet eyes.
When she awoke in the morning, he was gone, but on the table by the door was a brand new lamp.
#9 - You're Not Sorry
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before
He's screaming at her to listen to him. Why won't she listen? He doesn't love Kate. He loves her. But she storms away, shaking him off every time he tries to grab hold of her.
The worst part is when she whirls around to face him, her face is stony and pale, and slightly grey. He knows why, and his stomach clenches. Suddenly there is blood dripping from the corner of her mouth and bruises are springing up all over her body. Blood flows from her scalp, down her temple and then her nose follows.
"Why, James?" is all she says. He tries to put a hand on her forearm, he just wants her to understand, but it is ice cold and he quickly pulls his hand away.
The guilt eats away at him. He says he is sorry, over and over again, but Juliet just stares at him blankly.
He wakes up in a cold sweat, crying and trembling. He takes deep, gulping breaths as he tries to steady his heart rate.
The clock reads 9:22, eight minutes before his alarm was set to go off. Clementine has a soccer game at 10. He gets up and tries to be grateful he at least got to see her again.
#10 - The Way I Loved You
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
James could name his five favorite things in the world, and they were all Juliet. He loved her laugh, the way she smelled, the sounds she made when he moved inside her, the color and feel of her silky hair, and her sharp wit that rivaled his own.
He never knew a love like this could exist. He'd felt what he thought was love for Cassidy, but that had just been him experiencing partnership for the very first time. That was all. He thought he had loved Kate, and on some level he very likely had. But it was because he was desperately seeking someone who understood him. He had been lonely and horny and caged up (metaphorically and literally) and just wanted to be stuck with someone. He'd seen a companion in her, and longed for it to be more than it was ever going to be. He knew she was into the doc, but he ignored it because it was easier to play out the fantasy that way.
But Juliet? He had not seen that one coming. She knew what he was thinking before he even said a word out loud. She felt his emotions just by the way he came through the door after work. She knew how he liked his eggs (sunny side up) and how he liked his coffee (black with just one scoop of sugar) and was always happy to hand him a beer after a long day at work. She was everything he'd ever wanted and the least likely person to find it in.
Sometimes it pained him, how much he loved her. He worried that something, someday, would take it all away from him. When he felt particularly overcome with fear, he'd surround himself with his five favorite things, and the anxiety would melt away.
He'd run his fingers gently up her side, which would make her laugh. He'd press his nose to the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply, and plant soft kisses along her collarbone. He'd slide his fingers inside her and watch her writhe under his touch. As he leveraged himself on top of her, sliding in where his fingers had been, he'd bury his face into her hair, and she'd bury her fingers in his. He'd finish (after she did, of course), and make a comment about, 'I should really learn your name if we're gonna keep doin' this.' And she'd deadpan a heartbeat later, 'Who says we're going to keep doing this?'
It was a dance he loved; the dance of loving Juliet.
#11 - Forever and Always
I hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
"And now it is time for the vows, which the couple has prepared themselves. Juliet, would you like to go first?" They were standing before a Justice of the Peace, wearing street clothes, while Julian, Rachel, David, Miles, Jin, and Sun sat in chairs behind them. The wedding was impromptu, to say the least, but they'd only had a few days to plan it out. The moment their marriage license had been approved, they'd arranged the wedding to happen the following day. They wanted to be married before they met everyone at the church, and experienced whatever laid beyond.
Juliet looked up into James' face. He smiled at her reassuringly, and she pulled out a folded piece of paper from her pocket. She'd scrawled out her vows on a prescription pad at the hospital.
"James, you are my best friend, my soulmate, and the person I was meant to spend every lifetime with." She felt her throat closing up, emotion overtaking her. She swallowed thickly and continued, one hand clasped firmly in his. "I know we didn't get to experience much in our short time together, but the time we did spend meant everything to me. I vow to stay by your side no matter what comes next, through every hardship, every good time, and everything in between. I promise to love you forever and always, and never, ever let you go again." She bit her lip and met his eyes. They were shining back at her.
"James, if you're ready, you may go next," the Justice of the Peace prompted him. James licked his lips.
"I didn't write anything down. Wanted to just - speak from the heart, ya know?" Juliet grinned and let out a breathy chuckle. Typical. "I never thought I'd ever be up here with you. After you… well… I dreamed of this moment a lot before that, but then after… It was too painful to think about. And now here we are." He brought her knuckles up to his lips to kiss them. "You say we didn't have much time together, and that's kinda true. But we made a helluva lotta memories. Those memories kept me alive all those years without you. I'd go bed at night, picturin' you next to me. I'd wake up, an' convince myself you'd already left for work. When I was especially down, I'd write down in a notebook all the times I remembered you ever tellin' me you loved me. That book got me through tough times." He cleared his throat, suddenly unable to continue, remembering how much pain he'd felt when he didn't have her by his side.
"I love you so much," she whispered to him. It made him chuckle.
"Another one ta add to the list," he tried to joke. She grinned, simply seeing his smile did that to her. "Anyway. I guess I vow to never let a day go by without tellin' ya how much ya mean to me. I'll always put you first and never lose sight of how appreciative I am, to have you again. I love you, Juliet, and I'll never let you go, ever again."
James heard sniffles from the audience but didn't dare look. This was between him and her. And the tears that slid down her face were too much for him. He swiped his thumbs across her cheeks, and took her hands back into his.
They placed rings on each other's fingers, and (not soon enough) were pronounced husband and wife. He kissed her without a moment's hesitation, and the small crowd cheered. He laced his fingers through her hair and breathed in deep.
He'd never been happier in his life.
#12 - The Best Day
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today
"Thinking about Kate?" Juliet asked him as she sat next to him on the bench. He looked sullen and despondent, and she handed him a water bottle (which he took without argument, as opposed to the first time she'd handed him one). She smiled warmly at him, not condescendingly or sympathetically, but rather in understanding.
He nodded. "Just hopin' she's alive and doin' okay somewhere out there," he sighed. They'd been here a week, which meant she'd been off the island for two. He took a sip of the water bottle. He felt weird about the fact that he didn't feel weird talking to Juliet about this. He supposed they'd become friends somewhere along the way.
She stood and lifted her hand, reaching it out to his. He stared at it, confused, before looking up at her face. "Come on, we're gonna go somewhere," she stated matter-of-factly. She wiggled her hand again for emphasis. He took it, and she pulled him to his feet. He followed her, and she led him to one of the Dharma jeeps. She looked around, making sure no one was watching, and snagged the keys off the hook.
"What're you doing?" he hissed. "I don't think we're supposed ta take these."
"Oh yeah? And since when are you such a goody-goody rule follower?" she hissed back, but a smile graced her lips nonetheless. He rolled his eyes and followed her lead. She plopped down into the jeep, humming a tune he didn't recognize, and he followed her into the passenger seat. She glided away from the motor pool, not even bothering looking in the rearview mirror to see if they'd been spotted. Just because Horace let them use one one time to check for their missing crewmates, didn't mean they could just take them whenever they wanted. But no one followed them, or even seemed to notice, and James was mildly impressed with her carefree attitude. He liked this Juliet.
They drove for several minutes, until they reached the top of a very, very large hill. "What, are we gonna park up here and make out like we're teenagers or somethin'?" he asked jokingly. She shot him a devious look.
"Or something," she nodded. And floored it. James cursed loudly as they rocketed down the hill, bumping and careening from one side to the next. She screamed, unable to control herself, and he couldn't help but shout with her. This was dangerous as hell and very un-Juliet-like, but it reminded him of pushing Hugo down the hill in the Dharma van, which made him smile.
Before he knew it, he was laughing and screaming, and bumping into Juliet's side as they gained speed and neared the bottom of the hill. She was cackling with a laughter he'd never heard escape her lips before and he couldn't help but smile hard at the sound. By the time they slowed to a stop, his throat was hoarse and he was out of breath. There were tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
"That was fun," she breathed. She still had a wide grin on her face.
"What in the hell gave you that idea?!" he chuckled, shaking his head in amazement.
"I've been wanting to do that on this hill ever since I got here over three years ago. But we didn't have vehicles. Guess I saw an opportunity and decided to take it." She bit her lip and let out another breathy laugh as she shrugged one shoulder. "Did it cheer you up?" she asked hopefully.
He nodded. "Yeah, actually, it did. Thanks."
"Anytime." He noticed a devious twinkle in her eye as he leaned forward conspiratorially.
"Wanna go again?"
#13 - Change
And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
"That our boat?" Sawyer asked, still feeling winded from his long swim.
"It was," she croaked, voice full of ire and pain. The alcohol was clouding her brain, making her dizzy. She was certain she was dehydrated, which didn't help.
He looked out over the horizon and she saw his face fall in understanding. Their only way off this island was gone, and he looked devastated. Welcome to the club.
"What the hell happened?" he shouted, like it was her fault. She merely shook her head and took another swig of the rum before handing it to him, like a peace offering.
"How should I know?" she responded. Her voice sounded dull and flat now. She should be used to this kind of disappointment.
"What, one minute it was there and the next it was on fire or somethin'?" He punched the sand in frustration and took the bottle from her, downing a long swig.
"Yeah, something like that." They were quiet for a moment, neither knowing what to do or what to say next. "Looks like neither of us are going home," she said just above a whisper. He turned to look at her. She looked sadder than he'd ever seen her.
Against his better judgment (or even his understanding) he scooted up to sit beside her. He offered her another swig but she shook her head. He took a gulp instead.
She didn't mean to say it out loud, but just before the sky lit up, she uttered six words that caught Sawyer by surprise. "I just wanted to go home." It sounded like a whimper, and he turned his head to look at her, surprised by her admission.
She found it almost comical, a year later, when she realized the flashes had brought her home after all.
#14 - Jump Then Fall
I like the way you sound in the morning
We're on the phone and without a warning
I realize your laugh is the best sound
I have ever heard
James was a tough guy to crack. He was always a wiseass with her, and she let him be. It was just who he was. But ever since they landed in Dharmaville, the most she could ever get out of him was a low chuckle - a "hm, hm, hm," before it was over. She didn't know why it bothered her so much, that he had heard her cackle and laugh like a maniac but she hadn't heard him. Normally, she was only a 'chuckle' kind of person, too, but when she laughed - she really, really laughed.
They'd been here for months now and she was just as devastated to still be on the island as he was, maybe even more so, but she couldn't take it anymore. If SHE of all people could find a way to let loose, so should he.
One night, she decided to make some mixed drinks while they played cards. Miles and Jin were on the night shift, so it was just the two of them. She only put enough alcohol in hers to give her the courage needed to carry out her plan, but she loaded his up. He commented on her heavy hand at first, but he must have liked them because he'd had three by the time their game was over.
She couldn't decide if she should try and tell jokes (she didn't think she knew any jokes) or whether she should try and recall a funny story from her past (she couldn't). Then she figured some potty humor might do the trick, but couldn't bring herself to comment on anything of that nature (gross). There was one other surefire way to make someone laugh, so she swallowed her fear of making him mad and went for it.
"Hey James?" She tried to sound nonchalant.
"Hmm?" he responded, putting the cards back in the box.
"I dropped a bandana earlier and it fell behind the couch. I don't think my arms are long enough to grab it. Do you mind?"
"Uhhh, okay?" he responded, clearly confused by her request. She could have slapped herself for not coming up with a better reason to get him on the floor. "Your arms are just as long and gangly as mine but whatever," he sighed. She eyed him as he walked to the living room and laid down on the floor. Just as he reached his hand underneath, feeling nothing but dust bunnies, she pounced.
She straddled his hips and stuck her fingers up into his armpits. A sheer look of horror flashed across his face in slow motion, and she almost regretted it the moment her fingers dug in. That is, until she heard it.
James howled. He laughed so hard, he knocked his inner arm on the bottom of the couch and barely flinched. He twisted and turned and cackled and crowed but still she wiggled her fingers into him. He had tears in his eyes by the time he was able to roll them over, effectively pinning her down beneath him, still lying in between her legs. He was out of breath and tears were rolling freely down his face. For a moment he just panted, grinning stupidly, and she fought to control her own laughter.
"What the ever-loving fuck was that for?" he laughed, coming down from his dizzying high.
"I wanted to hear you laugh," she admitted with a grin, surprised that she'd gone through with it after all. She didn't regret it one single bit. His laugh was melodic and beautiful and carefree and made her feel alive inside.
"Ya didn't have to tickle the shit out of me to get me to laugh, sweetheart." He still hadn't moved from his position between her legs.
"Didn't I though? That's the most I think I've ever heard from you." He rolled his eyes. She had a point.
"Ya made a big mistake though." He leaned down, lips almost brushing hers. Her pulse quickened.
"What's that?" she dared to ask.
He grinned. "I'm much bigger 'n you. And now I'm on top. And I always get revenge."
The people outside the house heard her scream as his fingertips assailed her. She could barely breathe as he tickled her ferociously. The knock on the door was the only thing that saved her.
But it had been worth it.
#15 - Untouchable
Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
And when you're close, I feel like coming undone
Their first time hadn't been special, or even romantic. It had been feverish, desperate, and sloppy, almost. It had been one drunken, lonely night, with whispered assurances that their friendship wasn't going to change as a result. They were sweaty and dizzy as they tore off each other's clothes, neither remembering (or caring about) who came onto whom.
He wanted to see the real her; the person under the mask and behind the curtain. She wanted to feel cared for, loved maybe, for just a little while. She felt nervous when he saw her naked, but he drank her in like a fine wine. She was stunning.
She almost cried when he moved inside her, not because it felt that good (even though it did) but because it had been so long since she'd been with anyone this way. She felt connected to him in a way she hadn't expected (and hadn't asked for). She wondered if he was thinking of Kate as they moved together, knowing for a fact that she had been the last person to experience him this way.
He hadn't been. Despite her always trying to find some reason to justify why he could ever want to be with her (loneliness, horniness, boredom, missing Kate, or just curiosity), she'd never accepted the fact that he just did. He just wanted to be with her. It was as simple as that - because he wanted to be.
When he was with her, he felt something he couldn't explain. She was more than just his friend, even as his mind rebelled against the idea. She filled some missing part of him that he didn't even realize he needed. And when he felt her come, just before he heard her whimper in the dark, he realized how vulnerable she was right now. It gripped his heart in a vice, to know how much trust she must have in him to lie bare in front of him this way (both figuratively and literally), and he wondered what the hell he'd been thinking, crossing this line with her.
He'd lied. There was no way their friendship was ever going to be the same after this. Because as he came shortly after she did, he wondered if he might just love her.
#16 - Come In With the Rain
I could go back to every laugh
But I don't wanna go there anymore
Fuckin' Miles.
He just had to bring her up. It was a Friday night, when Miles usually came over, and they'd drink more than they should, watch movies, or play video games. He'd crash on Sawyer's couch and Sawyer would buy him breakfast the next morning. It was their weekly routine, and had been for the last six months.
The first time Miles brought up Juliet, Sawyer had punched a hole in the wall of his apartment, effectively ruining his chance of getting his security deposit back. Miles had backed off and hadn't mentioned her since. Until now.
"Hey, remember that time we all got super drunk and Juliet laughed so hard she pissed herself?" Miles asked casually as he swerved around Sawyer's car in Mario Kart. Sawyer's grip tightened on the controller and he stopped steering. "Yo man, you're falling behind!" Miles continued, rocketing into first place.
Sawyer didn't care. He dropped the controller on the floor and stared down at his fists. Miles realized what he'd said and he recoiled from the anger that now burned brightly on Sawyer's face.
"Sorry man, I know you don't like to talk about her. I just forgot," he said with a shrug, his way of apologizing. "But ya know, it's best to remember her fondly, right? And not - "
"Dead?" Sawyer glared.
"Well, yeah…"
"Go to hell, Miles," Sawyer grumbled before storming off into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. At least he didn't punch another hole in the wall, Miles thought wryly. Sawyer didn't hear Miles leave. It was another six months before Miles brought Juliet back up.
#17 - Superstar
Misty morning comes again and I can't
Help but wish I could see your face….
…..Morning loneliness comes around
When I'm not dreaming about you
"Jules?" Rachel called out. Juliet opened her eyes. They burned. She was so tired, but she didn't know why she couldn't sleep. Rachel sat down next to her on the couch. She rubbed her belly absentmindedly, starting to swell in her second trimester of pregnancy. "Dreaming about that island again?" she asked delicately. It was a touchy subject for Juliet, who had spent weeks telling Rachel about her life there, and how she'd been recruited to go there to help pregnant women. The last thing she remembered was a bomb exploding, but she couldn't recall why.
"Yeah…" Juliet murmured, and pulled the blanket up to her chin. "I saw a man's face. I… I think I loved him, Rachel," Juliet tried to explain. She knew Rachel didn't believe her, but she didn't care anymore. Something had happened, and whatever that something was, it caused her to jump into some kind of alternate timeline where the island didn't exist. She didn't know why, but she knew in the deepest parts of her heart that it had all been real.
"Honey, if you loved him, don't you think you would remember him?" Rachel stroked Juliet's cheek. If this didn't end soon, she was going to have to force her to go see a doctor, or at the very least, a psychiatrist.
"Rach, you don't understand. I do remember him. But… the details are all jumbled up and shrouded by something. I can see his face. He was handsome, and witty, and smart, and I… I know he's real. I know you don't believe me, and you don't have to, but I think I miss him…" Juliet tried to dig through her brain but she felt like she was on pain medication or something. Her thoughts wouldn't connect.
She sat up and rubbed her tired eyes with the heels of her hands. "Juliet, don't you think this could be because of Ed dying? Like, I don't know, you're traumatized or something?" Rachel suggested.
Juliet whipped her head to the side to glare at her. "This has nothing to do with him," she almost hissed.
Rachel was about to argue, but there was a short knock on the door. Just two raps. Juliet's hair stood up on the back of her neck. "I'll get it," she muttered softly. She rose from her spot on the couch and crossed through the living room to get the door. When she pulled it open, she saw a tall man with shaggy blonde hair and a black leather jacket. Her jaw dropped.
"You…"
#18 - The Other Side of the Door
In the heat of the fight, I walked away
Ignorin' words that you were sayin'
Tryna make me stay
I said, "This time I've had enough"
Both James and Juliet were dreading Friday. It marked the end of the two weeks she'd promised. He dreaded it because he didn't want her to leave, but she dreaded it because she knew she had to, and leaving meant effectively giving up any chance of ever seeing Rachel again.
They went on patrol together when they had to, to keep up the pretense of looking for their 'missing crewmates,' and avoided each other when they didn't. James' sadness and worry expressed itself in the form of anger and bitterness; so much so that even Jin, Miles, and Daniel avoided him as often as they could. They didn't know why he was so sour, but when Friday morning came, they finally figured it out.
"You ain't really thinkin' of leavin', are you?" he barked as she packed her small suitcase.
"Of course I am," she responded, trying to keep her cool, unflinching facade. He grabbed her wrist, spinning her around to face him.
"Why? There ain't nothin' out there for you!" He was getting louder now, and Juliet's blood pressure skyrocketed. She hated getting yelled at - least of all by James, someone she'd grown to see as a friend.
"I have to, James!" she shouted. "I have been here for over three years. I want to go!" She tried to turn back to her suitcase, but he pulled her back around.
"No, you wanna go home. Well, sweetheart, I got news for ya. That ain't home."
She glared at him. "So what? So what if everyone I know and love isn't the way I remember them. I'll figure it out. I'll go befriend my mother or something, who knows…" She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. She felt a headache coming on.
"Bullshit. Did you ever hear about your mama makin' a new blonde friend that just so happened to share the same unusual name as her daughter? Who, I dunno, looked just like her? 'Wow, how fuckin' uncanny,' she musta said!" His face was red and Juliet felt herself shaking under his condescendence. "Whatever happened, happened - you heard Loony Tunes! If ya never met yourself then that means ya never went!"
"Oh yeah? Did you know everyone your parents ever met, James?" He flinched, like she'd slapped him. But she kept going, her volume rising with each sentence. She was unhinged. "I'm sure you met all their friends, and knew all their real names? Right, Sawyer? Maybe I did go back, and just used some other alias! Who knows? But I can't fucking stay here any longer or I. Will. Go. Insane! I can't be trapped here anymore!"
James said nothing as she whirled around and zipped up her suitcase, leaving half of her clothes still littering the bed. He watched her leave without another word. She said nothing to Miles, Jin, and Daniel, who sat at the dining room table and watched as she slammed the door shut behind her.
He had thought, clearly incorrectly, that nothing could make this day any worse. He kicked the door frame in frustration, then cursed when he felt the pain blossom in his big toe. He spent the next fifteen minutes lying on her bed, on top of her clothes, wondering where in the hell it had all gone wrong.
Jin tried to talk to him, but James had had enough talking. He stormed out of the house and down to the docks. He figured at least watching the sub sink beneath the waves would be the swift kick in the nuts he needed to start working on how to get over this strange hurt he felt, but couldn't explain. But he didn't make it that far.
He found her sitting on a bench, sobbing into the sleeve of her sweatshirt. She hadn't even made it to the docks. He stopped in his tracks when he saw her, not knowing what to do. So he did the only thing he could think of. He sat next to her, wordlessly put an arm around her shoulders, and let her cry into his chest.
They watched the sub sink down together, and she never brought up getting on it again.
#19 - Today Was a Fairytale
You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess
Juliet hated being on her period. No woman loved it, that was a certainty, but she despised it. Her cramps were barely tolerable, the bloat was insane, and she ate everything in sight.
James usually avoided her like she had the plague, which was for the best, since her hormones raged so hard she either wanted to screw him or scream at him whenever she saw him. He was right to assume it was generally safer to keep his distance.
When he caught her crying in the bathroom one morning, his initial instinct was to run for the hills, but his boyfriendly duties got the better of him.
"How ya doin', sweetheart?" he asked gently.
"How do you think, James?" she mumbled, and continued to try and braid her hair, but the ends kept poking out and she had to keep restarting.
"Why're ya cryin'?" he dared to ask, grimacing as he did so. She met his eyes in the mirror.
"I wanna go home," she whispered flatly. She rarely ever admitted that out loud anymore. It didn't do any good, and only made James feel bad for some reason.
"I know you do, beautiful," he sighed and took her hand, leading her back into their bedroom.
He laid her down and called Horace, telling him she was sick and wasn't coming in today. When he was done, he laid down behind her and put his warm palm on her lower stomach, rubbing circles on her bare skin. She cried it out as he stroked her, trying to ease her pain, and he held her long after she fell asleep in his arms.
#20 - You All Over Me
Held out, and held on
God knows, too long
And wasted time, lost tears
Swore that I'd get out of here
Juliet struck the bomb once, nothing happened. She squeezed her eyes shut and screamed before hitting it again.
"Come on you son of a bitch!" Three. Four. Five.
White.
When she came to, she wasn't with Rachel. She was still at the bottom of the chasm, and she couldn't feel her body anymore. She called out for help, but doubted anyone could hear her anyway. She must have blood in her lungs because they rattled and gargled every time she took a breath.
She knew she was going to die. On this rock. Just like she'd feared. She knew– it had been a certainty. Her fate was sealed the moment she promised him two weeks.
In her mind she saw his dimples, and it made her smile, despite the unbearable agony tearing through her body. She'd gone into shock, another thing she knew for a fact. It wouldn't be long now before she was gone.
She heard him shout from a distance, and the scene played out in her mind from her memory as his voice grew closer.
James asking her to stay. Her promising him two weeks. Him taking her hand as he helped her stand before leading her back to the barracks. Neither of them deciding to let go.
Even now, she wouldn't have done a single thing differently.
#21 - Mr. Perfectly Fine
'Cause I hear he's got his arm 'round a brand-new girl
I've been pickin' up my heart, he's been pickin' up her
Kate sat on her porch, and inhaled deeply through her nose as her eyes wandered the compound. She watched members of the Dharma Initiative walking around without a care in the world. But they should care. They were going to get wiped out and none of them even had a clue. She thought about telling them. But what good would that do?
The sun was nearly set now, and Kate could see fireflies blinking as they flew through the air in the distance. She recalled summers as a child where she would capture them in little jars, just to be able to watch their lights flicker and glow against her palm. She realized now how cruel that had been. No one deserved to be trapped like that, no matter how brilliant your light might be. Everyone deserves their freedom.
It was the fireflies that made her glance absentmindedly toward Sawyer and Juliet's house. The fact that they even lived together in the first place completely floored her. Contrary to what Hurley had said in the cafeteria, she hadn't seen that one coming. She believed without hesitation that they'd crash landed in 1977, but those two? They'd been enemies. What could possibly have changed that?
Movement caught her eye then. From this angle, she could see through the living room window on the side of the house. Two figures emerged from the hallway into view. They were laughing. She didn't mean to stare, but she couldn't tear her eyes away, either. What she saw stunned her, stealing the breath from her lungs.
They were dancing. Juliet looked put out, like maybe she didn't want to dance, and Sawyer looked like he was trying to cheer her up. He took her hands in his, pushing and pulling until her shoulders were swaying front to back. She smiled and allowed him to lead her. He spun her around before pulling her back into his chest, and Kate picked her jaw back up from the metaphorical floor.
He looked so happy.
When had she ever seen him so happy? She watched them dance for another few minutes, and then the song must have ended because the couple slowed, and she placed a loving kiss on his cheek. Sawyer grinned down at Juliet and the love in his expression outshone anything he'd ever shown her. Kate couldn't help but scoff and shake her head, still filled with disbelief, and if she was being totally honest, a hint of jealousy.
It's funny what a simple look can cause, sometimes.
Sawyer closed the curtains and shut off the light, effectively cutting off the inappropriate peeping Kate had been doing. It was probably for the best.
She went back inside, wishing she hadn't even watched to begin with.
#22 - We Were Happy
We used to watch the sun go down
On the boats in the water
That's sorta how I feel right now
And goodbye's so much harder
'Cause we were happy
Before he could second guess his decision, Sawyer threw the engagement ring into the bay. He watched the ripples from the ring as it sunk down into the water, through the burning tears clouding his vision. As if it were tied to a piece of string that still lived inside him, he felt the tug as it was swallowed whole. He immediately regretted throwing it.
He left Kate on the dock, unable to face her - what? Grief? Sympathy? Regret? All three? This was partially her fault, though he'd never tell her that. She came back and ruined everything. Had she just stayed home, Juliet never would have agreed to drop the bomb. Then again, Kate's not the one who agreed to have Juliet's back. He did. And he'd let her down.
Throwing the ring felt like throwing away the last piece of Juliet he had left. Because he knew now, without a shadow of a doubt, that had he had the balls to actually ask her to marry him, she would have said yes.
She would have said yes.
#23 - That's When
I said, "I know"
When you said, "I did you wrong, made mistakes
And put you through all of this"
Then through the phone
Came all your tears
And I said "Leave those all in our past"
Her pale skin was aglow in the light of the vending machine. Her face was wet and sticky with tears, but her eyes were bright. She was here and alive (maybe?) and caressing his face like she was trying to memorize him all over again.
James felt like they were the only two people left in the world as he ran his fingers through her hair and kissed the salty tears from her face. A thousand unspoken things flooded his brain and he couldn't decide what to say first. He wanted to know where they were, what happened, and how any of this was possible. He wanted her to know how much he loved her, how much he missed her, and how sorry he was. He wanted her to know that it had always been her, for him. He'd never loved anyone the way he'd loved her.
He channeled everything into one more kiss before she broke away, gripping the front of his jacket for dear life; like if she let go, he would disappear.
"I'm sorry." It came out strangled, deep and pained. She shook her head and placed her hands back on his face. Her fingers were trembling, and it brought tears to his eyes. Her eyebrows pinched as she searched his face, confusion blooming in her expression.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, James," she tried to reassure him. But it wasn't enough. He felt himself begin to hyperventilate. He'd never experienced anxiety before, but there was no other way to describe the sensation - his skin was crawling with desperation; his heart was hammering so hard he felt sick; his mind was racing so fast, he didn't think he'd ever get her to understand just how sorry sorry sorry he was for everything he'd ever done.
She felt his pulse quicken under her fingers and she pressed her lips to his once more. She molded the front of her body against his, as she had done countless times before, until she felt him relax.
"We're here now. And we're together. We can't change how we got here, but I promise you, James… I am never letting go of you again," she murmured against his lips.
He finally felt the tears slide down his cheeks, and they mingled with hers as she pressed her face against his. His guilt and pain were eating him alive inside, but he had the rest of eternity to deal with those feelings. For now, he just held her close, and whispered the only thing that mattered right now.
"I love you."
#24 - Don't You
Sometimes I really wish that I could hate you
I've tried, but that's just somethin' I can't do
My heart knows what the truth is
I swore I wouldn't do this
There wasn't one defining moment that made Juliet no longer an enemy to Sawyer. He wished there was, because then he'd have something to blame it on. But there wasn't. It had been a collection of little things - things that had shown him that there was indeed a person underneath that emotionless mask she wore; that she wasn't just an endless void or a black hole masquerading as a hot blonde chick trying to kill him and his friends.
That would have almost been easier to deal with. But no. She was a whole, complicated, confusing person underneath. And a woman at that. Women, Sawyer decided, were going to be the death of him.
It all started with seeing her mourn the loss of her ticket off the island. She was drunk, with her guard down, and he had been able to see pain behind her eyes. Then, not only did she stay behind to try and put out a fiery arrow that had lodged itself in someone's gut, but she'd saved his life how many times now? She supported him when he said he wanted to go back to the beach, even though she told him it was a dumb idea. (Which, it was, but at least it was something!) And she somehow, God only knew how, got him to open up to her about Kate like they were freakin' friends or something. Jesus.
But the real kicker… the thing Sawyer really didn't understand… It was when she put her hand on his arm, when he was pissed as hell that the only thing that remained from the Well was a damn rope. The woman had balls on her. He was a raging bull in a china shop and she had only been equipped with a butterfly net. But she caught him. Her voice was soft and melodic, and something about it, combined with her firm but gentle touch, sent calming signals down his spine and he felt his rage lessen. He had no fucking clue how she did it.
Now, here they were - awaiting the verdict from Horace and the others. The threat was gone and they were sitting at a picnic table, exhausted, dirty, and starving, not knowing what the hell was going to come next. She stood without saying anything about where she was going, and wandered off. He wanted to be pissed at her; to tell her to go off and find her 'Other' buddies and figure this shit out so he didn't have to. But he didn't feel that way. She was one of them now.
And though he didn't know when they had become a part of the same team exactly, he was glad to have her on his side nonetheless.
#25 - Bye Bye Baby
The picture frame is empty
On the dresser, vacant just like me
Sawyer almost didn't make it back inside the house. Now that his burning rage had subsided, leaving only a burning grief in its wake, his legs felt like jello. He stood there on the front step, heart pounding and sweat pouring between his shoulder blades and down his temples. His breath was caught in his throat; like the grief was a tangible thing, drowning him and making his head spin from lack of oxygen.
He took several desperate, gasping breaths before he was finally able to lay his hand on the doorknob and turn. Somehow, he made it through the doors of their house. As he passed through the doorway, the memories assailed him. If he closed his eyes and focused hard enough, he thought he could still smell her, though it had been thirty years since they'd lived here together. He hadn't noticed when he'd stormed in here only moments ago. He'd been set on his task, and now that his task was complete, the blinders had come off.
He'd left Kate behind on the dock. He wished she'd never come after him, and he hoped that she got the message loud and clear that he wanted to be alone.
He staggered into the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets until he found some whiskey. It wasn't his favorite, but it would do the trick. With the bottle in hand, he found his way back to their bedroom and felt his stomach turn. The bed was in the same place, though the blankets were different. The dresser was the same one they'd used, when their clothes shared the same space. It had dutifully hid where he'd stashed his most treasured possessions all those years (days) ago.
He twisted the lid off the whiskey and plopped down on the bed. He saw the shoebox next to him and his fingers twitched, itching to examine the rest of its contents. He held his breath as he popped it back open. He brought the whiskey to his lips and drank three full gulps, reveling in the burning sensation it caused as the amber liquid slid down his throat. He coughed, eyes watering, and when he was done, he finally glanced down into the small box.
Everything was just as he'd left it. His eyes burned as he gently pulled out the contents, and it wasn't from the whiskey. There was a dried flower, the one he'd given to her on their first anniversary. There was an empty bottle of her favorite Dharma shampoo, the smell he always associated with her. That hit him hard, as he couldn't help but pass the cap under his nose. It smelled familiar and comforting, but pain lanced through him anyway. There was one of her bandanas; it was a deep blue, and he'd swiped it when he realized it was the exact shade of her eyes. She'd wondered where it went, and Sawyer had pretended not to know.
And then his fingers passed over a photograph. It was an old polaroid Miles had taken. Juliet was on Sawyer's back, as he carried her on the beach. She had her arms around his neck and her hair was blowing around wildly in the seabreeze. They were both smiling so hard; he remembered he smiled a lot that day. It was the day he first told her he loved her.
He didn't know what to do with the photograph. It hurt too much to look at, but it was the only photo he had of the two of them together. He drank another couple of gulps of whiskey. He ran the tip of his finger over her smiling face. It might have been the happiest he'd ever seen her. He drank another gulp, knowing she'd never feel anything again.
His head was spinning now. He knew there was a lighter here somewhere. Whoever lived here after them had candles on the dresser. He thought about burning it. Instead, he slipped the photo into his jeans pocket, unable to look at it anymore, and fingered the cloth of the bandana, indecision causing him even more anguish. He was at a loss. He struck out against the box, knocking its contents to the floor, and began to cry. He took two more gulps before he felt himself begin to slip away. He no longer thought about the photo.
Eventually, he took his sweater and jeans off when the heat became unbearable.
He slipped his pants back on after not-John Locke paid him a visit.
He kept the same clothes on throughout their escape, because he didn't have any to change into.
He was halfway through the flight when he tentatively reached into his back pocket, finding the photo still there. The edges were worn and the color partly sapped from the saltwater, but their faces were intact.
He clutched the photo to his chest and cried.
A/N: I know this may be a bit niche, but I hope you were able to enjoy it even if you aren't a Swiftie like me. I had fun writing them! It feels like an exercise rather than a marathon. But if you do review, which I hope you do because they're the nicest thing ever and bring me sooooo much joy, feel free to tell me which one was your favorite! :-) Here are some additional notes:
#7 almost made me cry while writing it. Seriously.
#17 is obviously very AU and though I recognize James was likely in prison when Juliet was first recruited, the idea is that he came to see her once he was released.
& I think #14 might be my favorite.