Chuck woke up with his wife curled up against his chest. He didn't open his eyes, just snuggled in closer and breathed in deep. Sarah always smelled so good, even after a workout or a rough mission. He moved his feet to cover hers and keep them warm. He was still kinda sleepy and his thoughts were fuzzy but that was good. Chuck could think of no better start to the day than laying in bed with Sarah feeling groggy.
Then as his mind started to wake up, his memory caught up. He and Sarah had made love last night. He'd been weak he knew, but she'd seemed sure and he'd missed her so desperately. The real test would be if she resented him this morning when she woke up. Should he still be holding her like this? Was she okay with his feet keeping her feet warm? Was he overthinking this? Most definitely. Did he know how to stop? Certainly not.
And just like that he couldn't lay in bed anymore. Slowly, trying not to wake her, Chuck moved away and turned to get out of the bed.
"Where you going?" Sarah's sleepy voice spoke from behind him.
"Sorry," Chuck said at once, turning to face her. "I was trying not to wake you."
"Didn't answer my question," Sarah replied. She was looking more awake by the second. Sarah always did wake up faster than him. Must be a spy skill he never acquired, the always ready for anything skill.
"I just-" Chuck began then he realized he really didn't know where he was going. "I don't know. I just needed to move, I guess."
"Well then move back over here," Sarah insisted. Chuck couldn't say no. He laid down in the bed and she curled up against him. He wrapped his arm around her like he always did. She had set the pace and he was just following her lead. Even so, it felt like some kind of miracle that she was lying here beside him despite everything that had happened.
"Are you sure?" Chuck found himself saying again. "I know last night- and um but still-"
"Physical stuff is easy for me," Sarah told him. "It was the emotion in your eyes that scared me before. Once I believed what you were saying and understood the depth of what I'd lost, the idea of risking losing it all again didn't seem worth it… at least not at first."
"What changed?" Chuck couldn't help asking.
"Not sure," Sarah answered. "Maybe me or maybe I'd already changed and spending time with you just made me aware of it."
She lifted her head from his chest and kissed him gently. "So you can stop worrying, okay? I promise not to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. Got it?"
"Got it," Chuck promised with a smile. Oh god how he loved this woman because even without her memory she was still his Sarah. It was like she'd been reset back to the moment he'd met her and fallen for her in the first place. Every way she'd changed in the last five years had made his love for her grow but it hadn't been the spark that started it. That had just been Sarah as she was and how she is now.
"You've got that look in your eyes again," Sarah told him as she rested her head down on his chest.
"What look?" Chuck asked.
"The heart in my eyes look," Sarah explained.
"Oh sorry," Chuck mumbled. "I don't think I can turn that off. Does it bother you?"
"Not bother per say," Sarah said. "It's just new I guess." Chuck didn't know what to say. He could stop himself from speaking the loving words but he couldn't keep the love from showing on his face. He didn't want anything he did to make her uncomfortable.
"I'll get used to it eventually," Sarah told him after a moment's silence. "So what now?"
"Breakfast?" Chuck suggested.
"I meant in a more general sense," Sarah added.
"Ah," Chuck said. "Well that depends on you really. I'm at your service. What would Sarah Walker like to do today?"
"I thought my name was Sarah Bartowski?"
"Ah yes technically," Chuck admitted. "But I would have been happy to be married to Sarah Walker. You wanted to change it."
"Really?" Sarah asked.
"Yeah you told me that for most of your life you hadn't had a name that meant anything," Chuck began. "You had half a dozen aliases before you even joined the CIA-"
"That actually makes sense," Sarah smiled at him. "I wanted my name to reflect something real."
"Yeah that's how you explained it to me," Chuck smiled at her. "Did you just remember that?" He couldn't help but be excited at the idea, but Sarah shook her head.
"Logical deduction," Sarah explained.
"Fair enough," Chuck smiled at her. "So then I shall rephrase my question. What does Sarah Bartowski want to do today?"
"Do we have a wedding video?" Sarah asked.
"Yeah," Chuck replied. "Though not in the traditional sense. I had to confiscate it from Lester. He secretly filmed the whole thing."
"Are we friends with his Lester?"
"Um…" Chuck began. "Yes and no. How to describe Lester. He means well… I think. He worked at the Buy More before I got hired and well he and Jeff are always together and usually doing something slightly creepy and sometimes helpful. They did rescue Alex that one time which was great but…"
"Just play the video," Sarah said with a light chuckle.
Chuck did as his wife told him. Once the video was playing on their tv screen, Chuck sat down beside Sarah and watched her while she watched the video. He wasn't sure what he was looking for, some kind of recognition maybe? He wanted to know what parts make her smile or laugh or cry. He wanted to experience Sarah experiencing their wedding.
"You're staring," Sarah said.
"Ah.. um.. sorta yeah. Yep definitely doing that," Chuck admitted.
"Eyes forward," Sarah instructed and Chuck tried to do what she wanted. He turned his eyes forward, but he was still focused on Sarah, still trying to see her face out of the corner of his eye.
"You're still doing it," Sarah commented.
"Eyes forward just like you said," Chuck countered.
"You can't fool a spy," Sarah replied. "Focus forward."
"You know I have seen this before," Chuck reminded her. "And I was even there so really the most interesting thing in the room is you watching it."
"You are relentless, you know that," Sarah sighed, but there was a humour in her voice that told Chuck she wasn't actually upset.
"I know," Chuck said with a grin. He gave up on being subtle and turned to observe Sarah and she finished the video. He wasn't sure but he thought he saw her smile, just a little.
As the video continued, he studied her face as if it was the only thing in the universe. He knew that face better than he knew his own and he needed to see her reactions. He didn't see any signs of recognition but when they got to the vows, he saw surprise on her face, surprise and a softness. It reminded him of when people looked at cute animals or babies. It was the 'aww' face.
Even watching her face wasn't enough. Chuck wanted to know exactly what she was thinking, but he knew he needed to be patient.
"If your eyes were lasers you'd have dug halfway to China by now," Sarah laughed as the video finished.
"Guilty," Chuck said with humour then he added more seriously. "So did that spark anything for you?"
"No, I didn't remember anything, but it was a beautiful wedding, Chuck," Sarah told him, turning her eyes to look at him. He saw unshed tears in her eyes and it made him want to wrap his arms around her.
"It was our beautiful wedding," he said softly. His hands reached out to hold her, but then he pulled back. He wasn't sure which instincts he should act on and which he shouldn't. Sarah figured this out before him. She moved closer to him, following her lead Chuck pulled his wife in and held her close. He was happy to feel some tension in her muscles relax at the embrace.
"I noticed something in the vows," Sarah began.
"Oh?"
"You mentioned kids," Sarah continued. "In your vows you talked about kids and I didn't so much as flinch." Chuck wasn't sure what she was asking, so he waited for her to elaborate. "Have we talked about kids, Chuck?"
"I want to show you something," Chuck said. "Stay right there." And he got up from their embrace and quickly went to the box of treasures in the closet to get the drawing they'd made together on the Japanese train.
When he returned he put his arms around Sarah again and placed the piece of paper in her hands.
"We made this together," Chuck told her. "Right before you got captured by Quinn."
Sarah took the piece of paper from him and stared at it for a moment. Oh what Chuck wouldn't give to know what she was thinking, but he didn't ask. He wanted to make this as low pressure for her as possible. If it was space she needed, he would give that to her, even if it was gonna drive him insane.
"This is a beautiful future," Sarah finally said after what had felt like forever. "I just don't know if I'm ready, I don't know if I'll ever be ready."
"I know that," Chuck said at once. "It's okay, Sarah. I would never expect to just pick up where we left off when you can't remember or feel like you did before." She didn't speak and Chuck could feel his babbling start. Even if he tried not to, he just couldn't help it.
"I mean if I did expect such a thing, I'd pretty much be a huge jerk and I'm going for 'not being a jerk' in this relationship. And even if that wasn't a factor, 'let's have a baby right now' definitely feels like a way to scare you off to the other side of the world. Like I can literally imagine you sitting on a white sand beach on some island without an extradition treaty, sipping a martini and thanking your lucky stars you got out before your crazy husband stuck a baby in you… and I know I'm rambling at this point and I should really stop but I'm not very good at not rambling, as you've probably noticed by now. I- um yeah so to summarise it's ah, fine or something." Chuck covered his face with his hand for a moment, totally embarrassed. A strange but wonderful sound made him look up.
Sarah was laughing. Genuine amused laughter that even reached her eyes. Chuck couldn't help smiling at the sound. He loved her laugh. He loved every single thing about her, but the sound of her laughter was one of his favourite sounds in the entire world.
Chuck didn't say anything and just gazed at her while he listened to the music of her laughter. He was struck with the desire to tell her he loved her again, but decided it was best to keep this one to himself. She knew, and overdoing it would probably just push her away.
To his surprise, when Sarah was done laughing she leaned in to kiss him.
"I like you, Chuck," she said. "I think I like you quite a bit."
"I'm happy to hear it," Chuck replied, wrapping an arm around her and planting a kiss on the top of her head. "I'm not so bad really."
"You're amazing," she said in such a soft voice Chuck wasn't sure if he'd imagined it. But she'd said those exact words to him before in response to his self-deprecating jokes. The familiarity of those words were so comforting.
Chuck didn't know what to say, so he just pulled her in closer. He had no clue how he'd been so lucky as to get Sarah to fall in love with him the first time, but if the last few days were any indication it had involved him just being the rambling awkward nerdy guy that he was.
In that moment, Chuck knew that even if his wife never got her memory back he wouldn't lose her. Even if they could only make new memories together, that would be okay because she was still Sarah and they were still meant to be together. Chuck wanted the picket fence and the kids, but he wanted Sarah so much more than any of that. He didn't want those things without her.
"You've told me so many stories of us together," Sarah spoke into the silence. "But you haven't told me much about you, Chuck."
"Not much to tell really," Chuck said. "I was just a nerdy guy who worked at a Buy More before I met you."
"That's not true," Sarah disagreed. "I know your mother is a spy. There has got to be more to that story, and what about your dad? You know everything about me, so it's only fair that I get to hear about you."
"Fair point," Chuck replied. "I'll do my best. Mom left when I was about ten. Then dad four years later. Ellie raised me after that and Morgan was always around. They were my family for a long time. I didn't find out what happened until after I became the Intersect. Long story short, it turned out dad invented the Intersect and used it to help his friend go undercover as a weapons dealer. But the implanted personality took over and he became his cover. Mom went undercover to try and repair the damage, but she went too deep to come home. Then dad spent the next twenty years trying to get her back and bring her home."
"See, that is a big story to tell," Sarah told him. "Don't sell yourself short."
Chuck didn't know what to say so he just gently kissed her again and held her close.
"Now I want the entire Chuck story," Sarah told him. "Not our story, your story and not just a summary."
"I went to Stanford," Chuck began. "But my friend Bryce got me kicked out to protect me from being recruited into the CIA. He didn't think I had the heart for it. My girlfriend at the time dumped me for him but it turned out that was fake too and she was also a spy trying to protect me. Then I went to work at the Buy More where nothing happened to me for five years until you walked into the store and my life has been an adventure ever since."
"That's all you got for me, huh?" Sarah inquired.
"I mean if you want child Chuck stories you'll probably have to ask Ellie," Chuck replied.
"I'll remember that," Sarah laughed.
Chuck couldn't help but smile at her. It warmed his heart that she wanted to know more about him even if he knew his life wasn't an interesting story until she had become part of it. Whatever made her happy was fine by him.
She didn't accept that as the entire story. Chuck spent the next few hours being interrogated by his wife for details. She was rather good at interrogation. Sarah knew exactly which questions to ask and seemed to know when he was being evasive.
"I remember Bryce Larkin," Sarah commented as Chuck explained more. "He was my partner for years. He's dead now though isn't he. Quinn told me you killed him. I assume now that he was lying."
"Big time lying," Chuck replied. "Bryce died right in front of me. There was nothing I could do to save him."
"But why is it that I remember him but not Molly?" Sarah asked.
"Sounds like you lost just over five years," Chuck surmised. "The mission with Molly was right before you met me. I was your first assignment without a handler."
"I was your handler," Sarah said slowly.
"That's right," Chuck told her cheerfully. "And now you're my wife. Isn't the universe a funny place."
"That it is, Chuck," Sarah told him. "That it is."
Over the last week, Sarah had done her best to complete her mission. She'd learned basically everything about her life with Chuck by asking questions and reading mission reports, but still she hadn't actually remembered more than a few out of context snapshots. She had, however, begun to feel a bit of the love she knew she'd once held for this man. At this stage it felt rather like a crush, but still a crush on your husband was better than feeling like he was a stranger. There was just something about Chuck that made him easy to develop affection for. He was so genuine, so kind and, above all, loyal. The bravery, awkward charm and good looks didn't hurt either. She was amazed by how he managed to stay all those good things and still be a spy. How Chuck had managed to be surrounded by lies and death without being corrupted by it was extraordinary to her.
She was always at ease with him which had made being with him feel effortless at times. She did, however, get a sense that Chuck was holding back with her. He wasn't lying but she sometimes sensed a caution in his behaviour. She suspected it had something to do with the promise he'd made to her that they could do everything at her pace and thus hadn't asked about it. In fact, she was trying her best not to think about it. She had bigger worries to focus on.
Any minute now, her mother and adopted sister were going to walk in that door. It was the first time Sarah had seen her mother since losing her memory and she had quite a few confusing emotions about the whole thing.
"Breathe," Chuck's voice pulled her back into the moment. "You look tense. Do you want a massage?"
"We don't have time for that," Sarah reminded him. "They could be here any second."
"I know that to you, this is a big deal but I promise it will be okay," Chuck told her, coming up behind her to wrap his arms around her entire body. The pressure from his hug felt good and helped calm her nerves.
"You're right," Sarah said quickly as if trying to convince herself. She knew he was right, it was just hard to shake the nervous feeling.
Chuck turned her around in his arms and kissed her sweetly. Sarah could feel her body relax at his touch. A soft humming sound escaped her without her even choosing to make it. She moved in closer to him, eager to enjoy the tension relief he had to offer. His left hand was gently cupping her cheek while his other hand moved down to the small of her back.
Knock. Knock. Click.
Sarah jumped, spinning around. She almost reached for the gun she didn't have strapped to her thigh. Now facing the door she watched as it opened to reveal her mother with a little girl standing beside her.
"Sorry. Did I forget to mention she has a key?" Chuck said, clearly noticing Sarah's alarm.
"That you did," Sarah replied through gritted teeth.
At once, Chuck left her side to do the host thing, welcoming the guests and informing them they needn't worry because Morgan did all the cooking.
It went better than Sarah had expected. No one made a huge deal about her memories or anything. She suspected they were trying to act like everything was normal. Whether that was their idea or something Chuck had put them up to she didn't know, but either way it was nice.
Sarah was surprised when an hour went by without her noticing it and she found herself sitting off to the side with her mother watching Chuck and Morgan playing with Molly. At the moment, Molly's uncles were taking turns giving her piggyback rides but before that they'd been playing pretend with Molly being a bird, flying around them in circles.
"He's so wonderful with Molly," her mom said to Sarah without turning her eyes away from her son-in-law and daughter playing.
"He's wonderful in a lot of ways," Sarah agreed.
"I am very grateful you found Chuck," Emma continued. "He's given you the life I always hoped you'd have."
"That's not the first time you've told me that, is it?" Sarah asked, but she knew the answer.
"No," Emma replied easily. "But it is nevertheless true. When I first met Chuck, he was at your side coming to save our lives. There really isn't a better first impression a son-in-law can make."
"Fair," Sarah smiled at her mom.
"One thing I'm sure of," Emma stated. "That man values your happiness more than his own."
"I know," Sarah said with a sigh. "And it's amazing but also kinda intimidating."
"You don't think you are worth all that," Emma concluded.
Sarah was surprised. Even after so many years, her mother could still see through her, in a way even Chuck couldn't. She didn't answer with words, but confirmed her mother's guess with a nod.
"You're wrong," Emma said. "You are worth that and more, but even if you don't believe me, it doesn't matter. Because he believes it. Tell him your worries and I know he will make them all disappear."
"I thought that was your job?" Sarah said, trying to hold her tears back.
"Oh my sweet girl," Emma said, turning to stroke Sarah's face in a motherly fashion. "That hasn't been my job for a while. No matter how much I love you, I accepted a long time ago that you didn't need me anymore."
"I'll always need you," Sarah said, failing to hold back her tears as she pulled her mother into a fierce hug.
She'd hardly finished hugging her mother when her husband appeared as if from nowhere.
"Are you okay?" Chuck asked her with obvious and genuine worry in his voice. Sarah still had her face buried in her mother's shoulder but she could feel Chuck's hand gently at her back, trying to comfort her.
"Never better," Sarah said as she pulled out of the hug and turned to face Chuck.
"Really? 'cause that looks like crying to me, and my wife almost never cries," Chuck said. "I'm the crier in this marriage."
Sarah couldn't help but chuckle a little at his self deprecating humour. He was of course wrong. Since deciding to try and get her memory back, Sarah had been crying plenty.
"I just really needed that hug," Sarah explained.
"Hey, husband here," Chuck offered in his fun cheery voice. "Endless supply of hugs at your disposal."
Everyone laughed and Emma explained to Chuck how mom hugs were different. Chuck took it in his stride and started rambling about something but Sarah wasn't really listening to his words. Instead her eyes were fixed on his face. It was nice, relaxing. She didn't need to think about anything. She could just watch him and everything would be okay.
Later that night when their guests left, Sarah did as her mother had suggested. She opened herself up to Chuck and told him about her fears.
"I wish you'd told me this sooner," Chuck replied at once. "I hate to think of you carrying that kind of pain around with you for so long. Even before the beach, you were worried about this, weren't you? Once you believed me, the idea of our life scared you, but that wasn't the only reason you left. I get it now. You thought you weren't worthy of that life, but Sarah you are so wrong. So completely wrong."
"You're biassed," Sarah told him.
"Alright, fine. So I might be a bit biassed," Chuck admitted. "But that doesn't change anything. You are worth every ounce of happiness this world has to offer and more. You're strong and brave. Loyal and loving. You never give up on what's important to you and you always try to be the hero in any situation. You are the one who taught me how to be brave, how to try and be a hero. You are a good and kind person and worth every ounce of love in the world."
Sarah knew she was crying rather than felt herself tear up. She could see in his eyes how totally and completely he believed what he was saying.
"I've killed a lot of people, Chuck," Sarah said softly.
"Bad people," Chuck reminded her. "Bad people trying to do bad things."
"They were still people, Chuck," Sarah continued softly. "They had parents and lives, and I ended that."
"You are focusing on the wrong thing," Chuck told her gently, reaching forward to pull her into his arms and hold her close. "You've saved so many lives, Sarah, and made so many more better in so many ways. So many in fact that they can't be counted."
Sarah leaned into the hug. It was just so unfair. Why could she remember the worst night of her life, her red test, so well, but she'd so completely lost all her time with Chuck?
He just held her for a long time. Sarah didn't count the minutes. For a while, she just existed in the arms of the man who loved her more than anything else. She snuggled in closer and Chuck's hug because more fierce, more protective. Sarah was safe. She was home. She was happy and she was worthy.
Beta read by Nevr. He also pointed out an issue in chapter one which I was able to fix so credit there as well.
After regularly publishing fanfiction for over seven years I've never had such a warm welcome into a fandom before. Chuck fans are the best kind of people. ^_^ So first of all thank you. And next here is that second chapter you all wanted. I kinda have an idea for another one but it could also be finished here. Let me know what you think?
Also thanks to the amazing feedback I've gotten with this story, I've decided to start another Chuck and Sarah story. It's a fantasy AU set in mediaeval times and should be a lot of fun. No clue when chapter one will go up but hopefully soon!
My beta pointed out and I think a lot of other people were surprised how fast Sarah slept with Chuck so I want to explain. I am a hopeless romantic but I do know that some people don't see sex as a romantic thing. Sarah has never been in love before. Even with Byrce it was very clear in the show that though she was sleeping with him she didn't love him. She could risk his life without compromising the mission. But with Chuck she couldn't. Sarah's life before Chuck was all spy with some fun sexy times with coworkers that was very casual. It's all she knew. I think in season 1 Sarah would have been happy to have a roll in the hay with Chuck for her cover if there hadn't been emotions involved. But she cared so she kept him more at arms length than she had her previous partners that she'd been attracted to. It's kinda how she works. Maybe it's because Chuck is SO my type but I always understood Sarah's side more than Chucks.