Chapter 26

Linger

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes (I hope I'm not mistaken)

Background: Starts from the beginning of season 1 with their first meeting at the bar. AU from there. Derek is looking for a fresh start, one-night stands and mostly- oblivion from his carefully built life back home. Meredith is a virgin but still hotheaded and stubborn to no end. When her one-night-stand attempt ends up her boss, she's mortified. Still, not as mortified as overhearing him talk to another attending asking him is she was frigid and Derek agreeing with him. Now he's determined to forget about her, and she will do anything to prove his words wrong. None of them expected to fall for each other in the process.

Most of the regular characters will be there, though I may give them slightly different stories. Christina is with Owen from the start, I was never much into Burke. Lots of drama because writing is my way to vent.

Note: There's a lot that happened in the last months, personally, globally, and in the town I live especially. Had to take a break, but I'm getting back in the swing of things. There will be a lot of sweetness, a lot of darkness, a lot of angst, a lot of hope. I hope this hasn't totally ruined the story by taking this time, but it was necessary.

1.

'Honey, no, not like this.'

Her heart tugged in pain, and he could see her pulling back, still only wrapped in the blanket. All her emotions were written all over her flushed face, in her wide eyes, and he was greatful for that. 'I didn't mean it that way.' She sat up, pulling her knees closer to her, blanket flush with her skin. She was angry, and hurt, and confused, and there was things he couldn't change for her- but this he could.

'What other way is there?'

Her voice was even, that slight thing she did when she was too hurt to let it show. He knew that tone and he needed to fix it, immediately. He pulled one of her hands between both of his, which she reluctantly allowed, still hugging her knees with the other.

'I just mean maybe we need to slow down. For tonight.'

The tears prickled, because her body wanted one thing, while her heart wanted another and the turmoil and disappointment was a lot to swallow. He kissed her hand then all the way up her hand, her shoulder, all the way until she softened under his touch and squeezed in the hug next to him, her hair smushed into his chest. He wrapped his other hand around her protectively for a second, until she was surrounded by his scent, his warmth, and he kissed her the top of her head. 'Mer.'

She lifted her chin up, looking straight into the blue of his eyes, and they kissed. Slow, deep, lingering kiss.

'You want to talk about it, don't you?'

'Only if you are okay with it. But I want to say something first.'

Her attention didn't waiver. 'I'm listening.' Again that even tone, and he kept caressing her suddenly cold arms in the hug.

'Mer, I just need you to know I'm here. We are going to get to do this, as long as you want to. We have time. There's no rush, we'll build up to it. I'm in, Meredith, I'm all in. I have never felt like this about anyone, this quickly, this deeply.'

Her eyes prickled again, but now she softened in his arms finally, 'Me too.' She admitted shyly and blushed when he smashed her in the next kiss, half laughing. Her eyes were sparkling and happy and he smiled in response.

'So we are-'

'We're together yes, you goof.' She giggled and snuggled closer into him. He covered her face and neck in kisses, and she released the blanket, covering them both. It was hard for him to keep a straight head now. For a second he'd forgotten how smooth her skin was, how intoxicating she smelled. He pushed that feeling down, trying to concentrate.

'So-' his voice trailed off, and he suddenly got up from under her hug, trailing his fingers through his hair, sitting at the edge of the bed.

The fact that he was so gentle touched her, even though her blood felt cold at the idea of talking. 'Derek, I don't have to-'

He turned back and kissed her shoulder in reassurance. 'Just give me a second honey.' He ordered them room service, burgers, along with hot cocoa. It felt like comfort food time. He sat at the edge of the bed while they waited, and she contemplated her next words.

2.

They sat in the king sized bed, wrapped in blankets, with the food in between them like a picnic. Mer was sitting criss-crossed and holding onto the warmth of the cocoa in her cup. Derek was laying on a side, a perfect male specimen, whilst chewing on a burger in the hotel bed- a fact she found sweet and adorable. That there can exist that level of comfort. It started a fire within her with warmth that no trouble could touch. Romance novels- which she'd guiltily consumed, assuming she'd never partake in one- always talked about passion. They skipped over how attractive trust and comfort was. All she wanted was him, in whatever shape, form, way, it came. All she wanted was to keep getting lost in his eyes. It used to make her nauseous with fear, but the more she trusted him, the less that fear was melting away.

He wasn't a guy she was trying to get sex over with.

He was Derek. HER Derek.

His eyes lit and his lips curled up when she giggled. 'What?'

I love you. Sh*t. No, I can't say that, it's too soon. She swallowed. 'Nothing.' She bit on a burger, blushing, and tucked her hair behind her year. He leaned forward and kissed her exposed knee where the blanket had slipped. Her skin tingled, in a really good way.

'What nothing?'

'I really...'

'What?'

'I think I'm falling for you.' The redness on her face was deeper not. She wasn't sure. What was she unsure about? He hoped it wasn't him, because if she didn't already know he'd lost her mind over her, she must be blind. He'd never done all he was doing now; for anyone. In no scenario did he imagine doing it and still being more head over heels for anyone as he was right now.

He pulled her slowly down, teasing a kiss out of her. His voice was raw. 'Hun, I've fallen all the way down that particular rabbit hole a long time ago.'

She giggled again, taking a sip of the hot cocoa, and holding the cup in both hands.

'Mer, what happened exactly?' He hated how her eyes suddenly looked like he'd kicked her, so he put a hand on her knee, rubbing gently. He couldn't do what he wanted and just wrap her in a hug forever- they would never say what needed to be said. But he could try to remind her where she was and that she wasn't back in that memory.

3.

'What do you know exactly?' She didn't know what she'd looked like on the outside that day, or what was being said- by friends, by co-workers, by THEM. She tried to not think about it for the most part, because if she started she'd never sleep again. 'What do you want to know?'

He stopped for a second and thought it through.

'I want to know everything. When it comes to you that will always be the answer, no matter if it's good or bad.'

She nodded quietly. He continued. 'However, I definitely do not want to push you further than where you feel comfortable.'

'I don't think this will ever be comfortable.' She muttered, the surroundings suddenly feeling like they are shifting under her, blurring, like she was getting tunnel vision. 'But I do understand. I think. But you will have to ask questions. I can't imagine what you-'

The nausea rose and he kissed her knee again. 'Mer, stay here. You're safe.' She grunted bitterly. Grounded, but sad.

'See, this is the problem. Am I-safe? It's not about what happened even. It's about having to walk in the hospital every day not knowing behind which corner there may be a danger.'

There was a cloud of pain and anger expanding in him. 'WHO the hell is his guy?' His response was so suddenly angry, so male, so unexpectedly hard after the softness with which he'd kissed and held her. It somehow warmed her.

'Which one?'

'I think you know.' His voice had gotten to his normal tone. Though his desire to punch that guy's face in until it was unrecognizable had not disappeared.

'Liam.' She had to pick her words correctly, because her chest was too tight, and the desire to ditch the cocoa and drink until she forgot her name, his name, everything, was expanding within her. 'Sh*t.' She bit her lip. 'He's one of the guys from my teen years, one of the two that attacked me.' Safe words. Better than the other 4 letter word lingering in her. Her head was a mess with questions. That was too much to put on a guy. On anyone.

'And the day I drove you home?'

'It was the first day I had seen him in 5 years. He made sure not to show anything in public. He knows not to show anything.' She shuddered. Derek didn't interrupt her, but his eyes were building a hole in her. His attention was there, alright. 'He f-f-followed me.' Her voice faltered, then recovered again. 'In the bathrooms. He tried to r- ' She pause. Control was of no use here, she couldn't say the word. 'He tried to assault me again. He got paged, or else I wouldn't have gotten away.' She admitted. She'd felt lower in her life, but there were very few such instances. 'I d-don't-'

'I'm here.'

'It's not about what he did or could have done even. I tried to put that night behind me. I tried to start a new life. I have friends. I met you. I'm working my dream job. I was starting to feel safe and now he's here. And it's hard to pretend.'

'Meredith- don't think for a second I won't kill him if he touches you again. And we will talk about the practical part. But you know you didn't, not really, right?'

'What?' She was confused now, suddenly afraid.'I don't understand.'

'You build a life, yes. But you never left it behind, did you? You're living in your childhood home, you're walking the halls of your mother's hospital. You could've chosen to go anywhere in the world, do anything, but you are here. Even before them. You returned here, why?'

'No. No. No no no.'

'Meredith.'

The words were burning through her body seeking an escape.

'I'm not leaving, I'm never going to leave unless you want me to. You came her for a reason, didn't you.,'She nodded, holding her breath. Holding everything in. She told him to ask. It didn't occur to her that he saw through-

'You came back.'

'I came back.'

'Why?'

I am not going to cry again, I am not going to cry again, I am-

'Honey?'

'It will ruin it.' She was staring deeply into the cup, no longer keeping eye contact. 'All of it, all I started, all we started, everything that took so long to build. I shouldn't have come back.'

'Nothing is ruined. I'm here. Your friends are at home, and they made this really sweet thing for us. Your boss came to help you. Nothing is ruined. But why? Why did you? Before you met your friends. Or me.'

'Because I never-' Sh*t. No. No no no no. It was as if words had a mind of their own, wanting to release what she was holding in so carefully.

'Do you want to stop?'

Now she met his eyes, and for a second she was back, back in the blue of his eyes, in the crisp sheets, the soft blanket, the rays of sunset falling in the room through the curtains. 'No.' She said with all the hardness she could summon. 'You have to know. And if you'll leave, then I need to know.'

'I'm not leaving. You can say anything. I'm here.'

Something passed in between them like electricity. Understanding. He put the food away in a rush, put the cup safely on the nightstand, before she'd let go of it. He sat back leaning on the pillows, and pulled her between his legs, so she'd lean her back on his chest, and he enveloped her with a hug. He kissed her few times, although he could feel her cold under his touch. He wrapped her in all his warmth. He knew. She knew he knew, but as long as if wasn't said it was a shadow. She was tired of hiding from shadows. A new life demanded a new approach. 'They didn't just attack me. Back when I was a teenager. I am still a virgin, but they didn't just attack me.'

He was quiet. Waiting. Hugging her, unwaivering. 'They r*ped me. Not in the regular way, but that isn't better. Both of them. Not just one, Not just tried. I couldn't get out.'

She felt him nodding. 'I had to do tests. HIV, the works. Be scared for months. Lose all my friends, my trust, my direction. Lose everything and everyone I relied on. I haven't looked at my medical records those since that year. I didn't think I'd ever want to have a life, in any form. I buried it so deep I'd forgotten, until I wanted a life, until I wanted you and I was afraid of everything.'

'I'm so sorry Meredith. But I'm not leaving. I'm with you. We said it, we meant it. We're together and I'm not leaving. It's not okay that it happened, but I'm glad you told me. Just let it all go, it's okay. It's okay to feel it.'

She broke in sobs, twisting in his arms, and he held her until she settled. For a first time it felt like her pain wasn't this big thing that overtook every area of her life and left nothing behind. It felt like she build something, and going through this was just a chapter she was going through. She'd said the most horrible thing she could imagine-and he was still here. This was a stronger bond than love. It was a life. They were intertwined so far into each other, all else was details. She drifted slowly in some foggy warm relief, and fell into deep sleep without realising it. And for a first time in days, there were no nightmares.

'