Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Oh time has passed you by
Oh, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
Ooh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
Here I am left in silence
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
Forgiven, Within Temptation

How much of a fool had he been… What had he done…

Barry still had trouble wrapping his mind around it. He'd truly thought he could've had it all, that running back in time and saving his mother would fix everything, that he deserved as much after losing his father as well. Only as a result, he'd screwed up even more… nothing was like he'd expected. He didn't even know what his expectations really were. He could never have the guarantee that the people he wanted to keep in his life would still be there. And then, coming back to the future… letting Reverse Flash kill his mother again just to fix things… it only created another mess and an even bigger one to that. Who's the villain now, Flash?! Who's the villain?! Thawne's words kept on ringing in his head. Yes, he'd made the wrong choice and destroyed too much – done things he didn't even want to think about and wasn't sure he could even tell anyone about since he was afraid they would hate him. He was afraid they would turn their backs on him. He played god and got screwed. And if only it was just about him, but the people he cared about…

There were also the memories of the other timeline he created – of Flashpoint. He didn't want them. They were too painful. To see them together again…

Eventually, he needed to tell the team. No matter how much he would love to just pretend nothing happened and everything was all right, he knew he couldn't lie to them like this, that he couldn't hide it from them because this wasn't who he truly was. They deserved to know and he would really stoop down a path he didn't want to take if he kept quiet.

Therefore Barry Allen was facing his team right now, sharing the awful news. He owed them at least that much. He also offered to tell them what their lives were like in the other timeline, but advised that it wouldn't help or change anything anyway, because they were not real. Not that this helped him to actually shake it all off.

When he'd left to save his mother, Rachel had been fine. She'd actually been more than ever before open towards him and even though he'd noticed that, he'd been too overwhelmed with his grief and the pain it carried to take a moment and realize what had actually been happening. He'd thought he would get to meet her again in the other timeline with no powers, no visions, no fear, no… Wells. How wrong had he been…

She entered the cortex together with Caitlin, looking dreadfully pale and feeling very self-conscious when Barry opened his eyes widely on seeing her and asked what happened.

"Is this supposed to be funny, Barry?" she spoke, to which he was even more taken aback.

"You know well that her visions are getting worse and she needs constant treatments here now," Caitlin defended her friend, shooting Barry the absolute opposite of a nice look.

"Where's Jesse?" he then asked another clearly idiotic question as he wanted to wait for the young woman before he would tell them the truth.

Apparently, Jesse had left for Earth 2, something bad happening there between her and Cait.

It all already gave Barry a headache and for a moment there, he truly considered not saying anything simply because of fear. He was afraid they would hate him. He was afraid they would tell him the awful truth, something he already suspected happened – that he'd simply destroyed their lives. Then again, things hadn't looked so promising in the other timeline either…

He would become someone he wouldn't exactly like if he kept quiet, therefore he took a deep breath and with his heart beating widely in his chest, he told them the truth but without going into any specific details. He couldn't… And he wasn't sure it would help anything at all. In the end, the choice was left to them – they deserved as much.

The team clearly needed a moment to come to terms with what they heard, all of them more or less angry and he couldn't really blame them. All he could do was to continue being the hero he was – or become one again – and be there for them. He could only work on being a better man and better Flash from now on and hope, only hope that with time they could actually forgive him.

It was Rachel that he spotted retreating first, her hand pressed against her temple as she moved away slowly.

"Wait… I just wanted… I… Rachel, if there's something you need…" He was at loss for words when he made his way towards her. Seeing her like this caused him a bit too much pain and he was hit with a tremendous amount of guilt again. Somehow he'd managed to hurt the one person he would die for, the one he would do anything for. And he truly would. He would've let her be in Flashpoint just so she could be happy and regardless whether it would be with him, but… There was another pang in his chest as he thought of the other timeline. He needed to help her somehow now. He just had no idea how if even Caitlin was struggling with coming up with the right medicine.

"Well, I hope my life in that… Flashpoint was better than the one I'm having here right now," Rachel just said, her voice a bit bitter but also very tired. "Just tell me, Barry, was I at least happy there?"

He opened his mouth, not really knowing what or even how to say it.

"What? You did say we can ask and you'll be honest with us. What are you waiting for, then?" she prompted, now a bit angrily.

"Rachel…" he started and stopped helplessly again, only releasing a heavy sigh.

"Well, I bet it was better than me having excruciating migraines one after the other while being bombarded with images of metahumans. That ain't fun. And it's been going on ever since I joined my powers with Cisco's and rescued you from the Speedforce, by the way. I can't even sit still and write anymore, Barry. I can't even do my favourite thing in the world. And you know what is even worse? I see you all the time. Dying in agony. Over and over again." By now she didn't even look angry anymore, she was just beyond exhausted and done and his heart constricted on noticing the dark circles under her eyes. Her hair was also not that freshly dyed, clear roots showing. "I have better days and worse days. Today is not so good. I needed to immediately come here for Caitlin's treatment that, by the way, isn't working so well anymore. So, I think you at least owe me the answer to my question."

"You…" he started slowly, knowing she was right; pained expression clear on his face as he looked aside for a moment. "You were engaged to Harrison Wells. What else?" The last bit just slipped out, so exasperated he was by now by the person of Wells of any earth, really; the connection they shared and the visions Rachel had been having of his own self, of the Flash dying.

"Oh," she gasped, her mouth opening in clear surprise. "Was it…?"

"The real Harrison Wells? Yes. But here's the kicker, his wife died and he found love again with you. And then I came into the picture and suddenly you were confused about everything, yet I know you would never leave him. He'd been through so much that you wouldn't be able to break his heart. Then again, you also did love him… I'm sorry… I just…" He shook his head, blinking a bit faster.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have screwed with us so much, Barry," Rachel pointed out, her voice growing bitter. "Or maybe… you should've stayed in Flashpoint." There it was. The painful jab he kind of already anticipated. It didn't hurt any less, though. Then again, that one last thing, the very reason to it all… that he couldn't bring himself to tell her.

"You don't mean that…" he tried in a pained tone instead.

"I don't know what I mean anymore… but right now a life without betrayal and without excruciating pain nearly every day sounds good to me. You aren't god. You never were, Barry. What did you think would happen? You'd get to keep your parents, deal with Reverse Flash, get the girl and be on your merry way to a happily ever after?! It clearly doesn't work that way and it also wouldn't be fair for one person gifted with extraordinary abilities to just manipulate time however he sees fit! You can't do that to people! You can't just play with their lives like this!" she yelled at him in anger, tears flooding her eyes, breaking his heart that was already shattered to pieces.

"I didn't know… Rachel…" His voice turned desperate, begging even.

"We all need to deal with consequences and learn from our mistakes!" she continued, not hearing him or not caring for his excuses and for how sorry he was anymore. "You can't just erase them and create even more!"

"Yeah… yes…" he admitted, hanging his head low. "Jay already told me as much."

"Well, he was damn right to! And once you did what you did, maybe you really should've stayed! For me it looks like everyone had a better life there!"

"No, they…" Barry closed his eyes, barely fighting tears. He took a deep breath before continuing, "You know, maybe I should have stayed. Maybe you're right. But then you wouldn't have been alive," there it was, there was the truth he'd tried to hide from her to spare her.

There was sudden silence while Rachel was processing those words.

"What…? I… Did I…?"

"You want the whole truth? You want to know why I came back to this timeline? It's because you were the Flash in Flashpoint. You were the one always running straight into danger. How's that for irony?" he finally told her the biggest secret of them all, the team that was still present in the cortex quiet and somehow forgotten behind them. "You were the Flash and you got hurt and you…" He shook his head, looking aside, his eyes glassy. "There was no way to save you, Rachel. He tried. Harrison Wells tried. And I couldn't… I couldn't let you pay for my mistakes like this. I couldn't let you die so my parents could live, because… that didn't seem like a fair trade. That was…"

"…a cruel twist of fate, indeed?" she finished after him. "Barry…" Suddenly, things did look a little bit different for her and she needed to come to terms with what he'd just told her.

"And he was so devastated… to lose another woman he fell for… makes you think all the Wellses are cursed when it comes to love. And I needed to watch it all happen."

"Barry…"

"I can't do this right now. I'm sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. None of you do… Jesse leaving… your powers getting worse… Cis… ah, no, I can't." He sped off, not able to take this anymore, wanting to be somewhere far away in the mountains so he could scream in frustration, so he could let it all out.

Rachel needed a few days to herself, welcoming the temporary lack of pain with huge relief. She even managed to finally visit her hairdresser and now showed up at the Labs, looking as the old her with pretty hair and makeup, nice clothes, rested, healthy – or at least appearing to be on the surface. She didn't really believe it would last, so she knew she needed to enjoy it.

If someone asked her, she wouldn't be able to say what her plan for that day really was. She definitely wanted to talk to Barry, maybe spend some quality time with him, but she had no idea where that would even lead them.

…and she would never know because the alarm sounded almost immediately and a breach opened up from which… Harry and Jesse emerged, the latter clearly a speedster now.

Everyone fell silent, watching Caitlin and then glancing back at Jesse and wondering what would come out of it all…

As it quickly turned out, Jesse didn't really want to seek help from team Flash of Earth 1 due to Caitlin pushing her away. It was all her father. No one really knew what had truly happened. Even Rachel was kept in the dark, taught not to push Cait for details the woman refused to share and partially also not having the strength for it since she was dealing with a lot herself.

When she woke up, she was highly confused since she didn't seem to lie in her own bed. What more, opening her eyes to the dawn of the day placed her directly at the Labs with an anxious face of Harrison immediately hovering over her, a deep expression of relief washing all over it, his bright blue eyes full of hope, looking into her own as though….

Rachel woke up with a gasp and immediately winced at the throbbing pain in her head. Somehow the dream she'd just now had felt so different, so… real. Almost like… No, she didn't really want to think of that. Of how Barry told her who she was in the other timeline and what kind of a life she led. Waking up at S.T.A.R. Labs to a very worried Harrison… Harrison so real and in the same time somehow carrying an energy she hadn't felt before, somehow not being the Eobard she knew, nor the Harry from Earth 2…

For the first time for weeks Rachel was actually happy to receive a call from the Labs, asking for her presence since something important needed to be shared. She hoped it wouldn't be anything disturbing. She had accidently overheard a heated conversation between Jesse and Caitlin earlier, the first accusing the latter of pushing her away for no reason.

She expected almost anything when obediently showing up in the cortex. After all, they'd already heard the story of Barry coming back in time and creating Flashpoint not so long ago. Then again, she expected to hear anything but this.

"I have powers," Caitlin revealed when showing them the ice coming off of her hands. Clearly, she'd been trying to hide this the whole time and that was also the reason to why she'd pushed Jesse away, knowing who Killer Frost on Earth 2 was.

"But you aren't her," Rachel pointed out. "You're not Killer Frost. Just because you have these powers, it doesn't mean you're going to turn into her."

"That's what I told her," Jesse backed her up. "And I also told her how incredibly stupid it was for her to push me away like this. I'm not afraid. I'm sticking by your side, Cait, and we will figure this out."

"I think I might turn into her," Caitlin disagreed, clearly scared of what she could do now, "but I am willing to trust you, guys, and get the help I need. First thing we'll do," she turned to look at Jesse who was by her side, "is to go see my mother. She's been studying kryomedicine and I think if anyone might help me, if anyone might figure out what's happening to me, it's her."

"Let's do this. I'm not going back to Earth 2 this time. I'm staying here," Jesse decided.

"What about you, Harry?" Cisco inquired her father who was also present.

"I'm gonna head back to my earth. There's still a lot of mess I need to take care of. I did abandon my S.T.A.R. Labs for a long time, after all."

"But it would be so much fun for you to help us deal with our mess," Cisco still argued and they both laughed.

"Rachel…" Barry caught up with her after the meeting, Harry heading back home whereas Jesse was ready to go with Caitlin to see the latter's mother. "I just wanted to ask… Are you doing ok?"

"Well, as ok as I can at the moment. Which reminds me, I should probably catch Caitlin before she leaves. For my treatment. Just in case."

"I just need to ask you… Have you been having… any weird dreams recently?" Barry was persistent.

Rachel came to a stop, frowning slightly.

"What do you mean?" she prompted.

"Dreams where… you might have powers? Like speed?" he hinted.

"Um… you mean like in Flashpoint?"

"Exactly like that."

He did seem concerned and she did immediately think of the one dream she'd had of waking up to Harrison after she'd been in a coma, but technically, she didn't have speed in it.

"Not really. Why?"

"You must've heard us talking about dr. Alchemy recently?"

"Another ridiculously named by Cisco meta." She confirmed with a nod when crossing her arms against her chest. "Though so far I haven't had any vision of him."

"Maybe that's a good thing. People who had powers in Flashpoint and don't in this reality… they… they seem to have dreams about it and eventually are found by this dr. Alchemy. Somehow, he can make it happen for them. Give them powers, I mean. I just hope if you do happen to dream about being a speedster…"

"Barry, honestly, even if I did, I don't want to have any more powers. I'm being driven crazy by my sensing metas at the moment, so I cannot see myself finding this dr. Alchemy and accepting whatever he has to offer. Don't worry, ok? Now I really have to go and find Caitlin."

Rachel was lying in bed, hands covering her face.

She'd just had another dream or maybe rather a memory of a life she'd had in Flashpoint. She could still remember it clearly. More even – she could feel it.

One moment she was kissing Harrison – apparently the real one as Barry had mentioned before – and the next she had speed and was facing the Rival with Barry himself. The feeling it brought… it was indescribable. She felt free and electrified and as though nothing could touch her. Only that was exactly her doom, because something did and she ended up getting seriously hurt. Still, being out there with Barry, speeding with him, it felt so right, so…

No. She didn't want to have speed on top of the powers that were already a burden to her; a mild headache always there at the back of her head. Added to that, she didn't need to feel so good in Barry's presence as she was absolutely not in the right state of mind for anything. Visions of his death and of metas in general and the constant pain that prevented her even from writing her next book, were not good foundations for anything. She needed to get better. She only wished she knew how.

She didn't want Barry's powers. She didn't want to go see Alchemy.

Speaking of… she received a text message from the Labs about something that happened the night before, so she quickly used the bathroom, grabbed her stuff and was on her way.

The previous night when she'd already fallen asleep, Barry had followed up on a lead on Alchemy and found another speedster instead – Savitar, as he called himself, the god of speed. They didn't have any way of verifying the authenticity of that nor time as Caitlin helped him by temporarily freezing his opponent and…

…now she was MIA somewhere as Killer Frost.

"Can you maybe see her?" Cisco asked Rachel after she was brought up to speed.

Normally she would refrain from trying to actually call upon her powers to see a meta, but for Caitlin she would make an exception.

"I'm sorry, I can't," she eventually gave up, only giving herself a bigger headache. She was starting to worry that her next treatment would be heavily delayed… "I can't see or sense her at all. It's almost as though she's not a meta or… I'm just too personally involved."

They eventually managed to locate Caitlin, but it wasn't pretty. She didn't seem to be herself, hurting Barry so she could get away and then giving Jesse a taste of her icy kiss. In the end, it was Cisco who managed to knock her out, yet the team's spirit was broken since Caitlin revealed that his brother, Dante, had been alive and well before Barry created Flashpoint.

The only ever increasing pain in Rachel's head didn't help, but she still went on and found Barry in one of the empty labs.

"What are you doing here?" he asked her, immediately concerned for her well-being. "Rachel, please, go back to bed. You're not well."

"Resting will not help me. Only Caitlin can with her treatment and…" Rachel sighed before sitting next to him. "Are you ok?" she then followed with.

"I don't deserve this," he murmured under his breath as though he hadn't heard her at all. "I've really messed up this time. It's almost like Thawne was right, like I really did become the villain. I don't deserve you trying to comfort me when what's happening to you right now… that's probably my fault as well."

"You're human, Barry, and humans make mistakes," she told him before reaching out to him and placing her hand on his shoulder. "I'm not saying that what you did was right, but I do understand. I've had plenty of time to think about it. You finally made peace with your mother's death, you were ready to move on and then your world fell apart again, taking away your father in the most cruel of ways. Again. So yeah, I am not happy you ran to the past to save her, none of us are; but in the same time I don't blame you. I can't. I know how much you've suffered."

He didn't say anything for a while and then he turned to her when…

…Cisco called everyone back to the cortex.

"What happened?!" Barry immediately asked as he got there with Rachel, the latter pressing both of her hands to her head now, the pain only increasing. She needed Caitlin and she was growing both desperate and scared.

"It's Jesse. She went to get Caitlin."

"No, that's too dangerous!" Only it was too late and all they could do now was to watch Jesse let the other woman out of the pipeline and ask her to kill her if she wanted her freedom back.

Barry was ready to just speed in there and save the other speedster, but he decided to give her a chance, thinking that maybe this bold move would help since Caitlin needed to still be in there somewhere.

In that moment Rachel's migraine turned into a full-blown agony.

"Rachel!" she only heard Barry scream her name before she staggered and passed out.

She opened her eyes to worried faces of the whole team, including Caitlin's.

"Thank god, you're back," she gasped when seeing a very concerned face of her best friend and reaching out to her in the same time.

"Rachel, it's getting worse. We need to find an alternative way to help you," Caitlin informed.

"Right now I'm just glad you're back to being you." Rachel ignored the remark. "Can we just all go home?"

Barry and Cisco said her name in the same time, both equally concerned.

"No, stop it. This isn't the day I survived. It's the day we rescued Caitlin from going full on Killer Frost, ok?" she protested and tried to get up, immediately feeling dizzy again.

"I don't think you realize how serious this is becoming," Cait told her, gently placing her hand on her patient's shoulder and keeping her down. "I would recommend you stay the night here. I want to monitor you."

"No, you need to grab Jesse and take her home and just be together," Rachel protested again, though she obediently fell back onto the pillows. "I stay here and rest. If it gets worse… I'll call."

"Then I stay," Barry offered. "I got nothing better to do."

"And you're gonna watch me sleep like in some creepy book for teenagers? No. Just let me be. I'm exhausted!"

"But…"

"Out!"

Eventually, they listened to her and as they all slowly made their way out of the Labs, Caitlin caught up with Barry.

"Yes?" He turned to her.

"It's bad. It's getting really bad, Barry and I will do everything I can to help her, but… I just hope I can."

Barry swallowed hard, anxiety taking over him, yet he refused to believe it wouldn't work.

"Caitlin, if anyone can help her, it's you. I believe in you."