Remember once the things you told me
And how the tears ran from my eyes
They didn't fall because it hurt me
I just hate to see you cry
Sometimes I wish we could be strangers
So I didn't have to know your pain
But if I kept myself from danger
This emptiness would feel the same
I ain't no angel, I never was
But I never hurt you, It's not my fault
You see those eggshells, they're broken now
A million pieces strewn out across the ground
No Angel, Birdy
It wasn't getting any better and despite Rachel doing her best to put on a brave face, she could tell that the team started to be scared. Yes, her already having abilities – and ones that were doing more harm than good – kept her from reaching out to dr. Alchemy, but at this point she and probably her friends as well wished all she got in the end was just speed.
She did feel better after Caitlin's treatment, but she was basically suffering from a permanent headache. She didn't even remember the time when it hadn't hurt nor knew anymore how it was to lead a pain free life. How was that for an irony, she thought morosely when once more tied up to a Labs' cot, not able to go home in case it got worse again. What if her powers were slowly killing her? What if she would eventually grow a tumor or get an aneurysm? She was scared. Her friends were scared too, only putting on a brave and happy face when around her. She honestly didn't know how to deal with it all anymore and luckily for her, she was usually too tired, her body under too much fatigue to think or realize this clearly. If someone had asked her a long time ago what the worst thing that could happen to her was, she would probably answer that it would be to lose her mind because that was the tool she needed for work. And not only that alone. Her mind was the source of her joy. Ever since she could remember, she'd been coming up with stories, absolutely loving the thrill a sudden idea brought her, the pure joy of it evolving and growing. It was a gift she always welcomed, a gift received without any side effects or heavy price to be paid. Not like her powers… Right now she still feared that and therefore couldn't put much thought to it since then she would only drive herself crazy with stress. She was a part of team Flash and needed to believe that they would eventually help her and come up with the right solution. They were the people one wanted on one's side when it came to the impossible, after all.
"How are you feeling?" she heard Barry's voice coming from the door.
"Like shit," she answered him according to the truth when looking in his direction. She immediately regretted not lying to him when she saw his expression, though. This also reminded her of something else. Right now if asked what she was most scared of, she would also add her vision of Barry dying coming true to that equation. In fact, if she could trade her mind – which basically was the one thing she valued and loved most about herself – she would, just so Barry could live.
"I feel like this is entirely my fault," he confessed when making his way to the cot on which she lay and taking the chair right next to it. "Your powers getting worse… Caitlin being a meta… I'm so scared. I'm trying to be brave and hopeful and believe everything will work out in the end, but…" He closed his eyes briefly, shaking his head, clearly in huge distress.
"I don't blame you," Rachel told him to his astonishment. "And we all already made that clear."
"Well, Caitlin did when she was herself again. While being Killer Frost… I think that was when she actually dared say what she really thought," Barry pointed out bitterly.
"Maybe yes, maybe no, but don't forget we are all humans. We all say things we don't really mean when we're going through tough times or suffer. I had powers before you created Flashpoint, I still have them now. I don't think this changed anything. They're the same powers from what you said."
He only nodded.
"I'm scared too, Barry. I'm losing the only thing that I always loved and appreciated most about myself, but then again… I keep reminding myself that this is team Flash. You, guys, may not have the right idea now, but who's to say you won't come up with it tomorrow? I have to have faith that I will be ok. So far, except the horrible migraines, my brain is ok and Caitlin's doing regular check-ups, so please, don't worry so much." She reached out to touch his hand and he looked at her again.
"I saw you die," he said in a muffled voice. "I can't stop seeing you die in my head. I know it happened in Flashpoint, but… and I couldn't even grieve you properly because Wells…" He shook his head again, looking aside, clearly trying to be strong but finding it hard at the moment. She couldn't really blame him for it and she actually understood it all too well.
"Just like I saw you die, remember?" she reminded him. "In my visions. So I know exactly how you feel. Which is kind of ironic now, don't you think?"
He had to look right back at her and was already opening his mouth to say something, but then he clearly changed his mind. Instead he eventually went with, "I'm sorry you still have them."
There were so many unspoken, yet well-understood things between them that the air seemed to be electrified by the emotions that had no verbal way out. It wasn't a possibility right now as there was too much to do and too much at stake and she wasn't fit for any of it.
What she could do was to pull him closer to her and he ended up with his head on her belly as she stroke his hair. In that moment an alarm broke off in the cortex though, so he needed to leave again.
The alarm turned out to be due to dr. Alchemy's activity and Barry actually succeeded in bringing him in, giving them all some hope that they were getting close to solving at least one mystery…
Only to realize that the man behind the mask was actually Barry's colleague, Julian, who apparently had no memory of what he'd done, being just another victim.
At first Barry didn't really believe him and once he finally did, the other man refused to share any real information on the state of his health or possible blackouts, which eventually led to Barry taking off his mask to gain trust.
Once Rachel heard that Julian could be their possible link to Savitar and maybe they could talk with the god of speed directly through the man, her curiosity and surge of adrenaline made her feel a bit better and she got up from bed to witness it herself.
"…to make people think you're a god, you just have to make them believe you are one… You have no idea what fate has in store for you. One will betray you. One shall die. One shall suffer fate far worse than death."
"Who are you?!"
"I am the future, Flash."
Barry disconnected Julian right after that, done listening to Savitar, done with hearing more and more of bad news that was way too ambiguous to decipher unless… No, he refused to think about it. One shall die. It could mean anything. Yes, it could mean Rachel and what he was most afraid of, but it could also mean himself and if it did, they were all screwed anyway. He was pretty sure that without him, Savitar would conquer all and kill every single person Barry ever cared about.
"I hate to ask this," Cisco started pretty soon after that, "but Rachel… is there any chance you may be able to see who Savitar really is? I tried. And I got nothing."
"No," she responded, hugging herself as she stood there, feeling cold all over as goosebumps hit her. "Actually, these days I don't really have any visions. Just pain."
"That is unusual, isn't it, though?" Caitlin pointed out.
"You said Rachel was the Flash in Flashpoint," Jesse suddenly said when turning to Barry. "What if the lack of visions and the horrible migraines isn't just a direct outcome of her original powers? What if it's Savitar trying to imprint Flashpoint on her?"
That was actually a very good question and one they had no idea what to do with.
"That may… be possible, actually," Caitlin agreed, "but sadly, it doesn't bring us any closer to finding a solution."
"I… um… If you would be willing to use my expertise," Julian offered out of the sudden, "I could maybe help. I'm a CSI and a meta specialist."
"Would you take a look at my research? That would be amazing. It could really help our friend."
Julian raised from his seat. "Anything, really, to do a little bit of good after…" his voice trailed off significantly.
"Don't beat yourself up over it," Barry assured him. "You were used. It wasn't your fault."
"Well, used or not… I can't undo those things, but maybe I can help you… um… What's your name?" Julian asked Rachel when coming closer.
"Rachel. Nice to meet you."
He shook her hand.
"Are you ok?" she then asked him when looking at him with care. After everything she'd heard and seen, it couldn't be easy on him.
"Me?" He seemed surprised, his eyebrows elevated. "I just heard you've been suffering from horrendous migraines due to having powers both in this timeline and in this… um… Flashpoint, you said?" he made sure.
"Yes and just because of that, I know how it is to have your mind messed with."
"Like I said, I would like to do some good for a change to counteract the evil I was manipulated to do."
"Rachel… oh," Barry came to a sudden stop when appearing in the door to the room in which Rachel was currently residing, resulting herself to staying in the Labs where she could always get the necessary help if her pain got worse. He just now walked in on what seemed like her having an interesting conversation with Julian.
"Everything ok?" she immediately asked, concern showing on her face. Clearly, Barry wasn't able to hide his distress as good as he hoped. Then again, she would soon find out what it was all about.
"I just… Do you feel like you can take a trip to the cortex? I need to talk to the whole team. It's important. Or we can all just come here, if…"
"No, it's fine. I take every opportunity I can to actually get up and move around a bit. Then I don't feel like I'm so sick."
She tried to get out of bed and immediately winced, Julian reaching out to her, offering his help. At that Barry inadvertently copied her expression.
"I was just getting to know your friend, Allen," Julian then informed when they were all out the door. "Wanted to hear everything directly from the source to try and figure out how to help dr. Snow in producing some kind of a cure."
"Just take away my powers. I'm totally fine with that since clearly, controlling them is beyond me," Rachel said.
"Of course it is, if our thinking is correct that you got worse due to Savitar's presence and him trying to give you the powers you had in Flashpoint," Julian agreed.
Soon enough, they joined the rest of the team already gathered up in the cortex and Barry, though unwillingly, left Rachel by Julian's side as he walked forward and faced everyone.
"This is going to be another hard conversation…" he started, this time avoiding looking at them at all, his body shaking a little as he still wasn't over what he'd seen. "Jay told me to let it go, to live in the now and not bother about the ever changing future, but… I can't. I just can't leave it to a chance like this… I need to be sure and cannot possibly risk it by doing nothing… Here it goes…" He took a deep breath, already sensing the confusion the team felt. "When I threw Alchemy's stone into the Speedforce… this somehow propelled me to the future… where I saw myself… facing Savitar and… and lose… while I was grieving due to…" he came to a stop, his heart beating wildly in his chest as every pair of eyes was focused on him. He just met one – hers. "I was grieving because Rachel died."
There was sudden silence as they all paled. It was Julian who actually asked, "Because Savitar murdered her?"
"No," Barry informed, but was unable to go on.
"It's because of my powers, isn't it?" Rachel herself guessed it, not really knowing how she felt about it all right now. For weeks she'd only been getting worse and worse and nothing helped. Team Flash was even desperate enough to ask Julian for help and despite her focusing on hope, she could feel they might not succeed. She could feel her time was quite literally running out, her clock ticking, that with every migraine, with every excruciating attack hitting her mind, she was getting closer and closer to dying.
"Yes," Barry admitted, not able to hide his emotions. "That is why I am talking to you right now. Jay told me the future is constantly changing, therefore we need to change it. We cannot let Rachel die. I won't let her die. Not after I already saw it happen in Flashpoint. Not ever again."
"Of course," Caitlin immediately backed him up. "We make Rachel our priority. Everything we got, we use to save her. And we don't bother anymore with helping with those headaches, we go straight for taking her powers away."
"Yes, please. All they've ever done is destroy my life," Rachel said and turned around, ready to leave.
"Wait…" left Barry's mouth before he could stop himself and he immediately got to her. "Are you ok?" His hands landed on her arms and as he looked at her from up close, his heart clenched painfully at the sight of how tired she looked and how hollow her eyes were. "You know I would never let you die." He lowered his voice so only she could hear him, but there was no need for hiding as the team already dispersed, ready for work. "I won't. You won't die."
"I know," she said, but something told him that she might only be doing it for his sake. "I believe that with this knowledge we might be one step ahead. That we can actually win here."
"Rachel…" there was so much he wanted to say to her. So much that needed to be said, but ever since he'd screwed up and created Flashpoint, they always seemed to be at crisis and the biggest one of them all for him was her not getting better, but worse. There was a clock ticking and he needed to race time to save her life.
"Barry!" Cisco just called him. "I might have an idea…"
"Go," Rachel encouraged. "I need to rest anyway."
"Rachel…"
"I'm all right. Please, just go."
Julian was getting familiar with Caitlin's work regarding Rachel, thinking about how he could contribute to it himself. He also made the effort to get to know the doctor and her girlfriend better.
"I was just so shocked to learn that she wrote those two books," he was then telling the two women. "I didn't recognize her…" He came to an abrupt stop, realizing why that was. Rachel was still beautiful, but it was hard to currently tell that she was on the covers of the two books he'd read and really liked because firstly, he hadn't taken such a good look, more interested in the content of the story itself and secondly, because right now she was dreadfully pale and with dark circles under her eyes and in constant pain.
"It's ok, Julian. Let's just hope to find her a cure before… before it's too late," Caitlin said, her voice breaking slightly to which Jesse placed a hand on her shoulder, giving her support.
"It was still absolutely amazing to get to know her. Her stories are just brilliant!" he continued with shining eyes and that alone sent Cait a straight warning.
"Um… Julian, there's something else you need to know…" she started carefully. "I mean, I don't want to be too presumptuous, but… just so you know… Rachel's second book, the dedication…"
"The mysterious 'to my hero'?" Julian immediately provided with.
"It's for Barry."
There was sudden silence as the man was processing that information before saying, "Well, I should've seen this coming. I mean… yeah, it's so obvious now. Are they…?"
"No, but… it's complicated," Caitlin provided carefully. "You see… one of the visions that Rachel had due to her powers that is haunting her the most and causing the most pain… not even strictly physical… is Barry dying in the future. I'm just trying to give you a friendly warning not to get too involved because I don't want to see you get hurt in the process."
"Well… I guess a few things make perfect sense to me now," he admitted, thinking of the way both Rachel and Barry acted around one another. "Don't worry, though, I won't develop any… futile feelings. Thank you for the warning… Now, let's get to actual work, shall we?"
Cisco's idea was brilliant, they all thought. He used his powers to help Barry get to the future and to the exact moment he'd seen to pick on as many details as they both could find.
"There's news playing on the bus stand nearby…" Barry was just saying when immersed into the vibe of the future with his friend.
"Great, read them aloud. It may come useful," Julian encouraged when grabbing a marker and getting to the dry erase board.
Even Rachel came for this, needing to see and hear it all for herself despite her permanent exhaustion.
Cisco read a few metahuman news, followed by, "Kill…" and he came to a sudden stop.
"What was that?" Caitlin asked, already scared of the answer.
"Killer Frost still at large," her best friend finally finished.
Jesse's hand immediately found Cait's and squeezed gently.
"Promising writer dead…" Barry provided right before he could not take it anymore and he asked Cisco to bring them back.
"Maybe that's our answer," Julian said. "Caitlin is the one who knows Rachel's system the best. She's been providing her with treatments. If she becomes Killer Frost and disappears…"
"Rachel dies," Barry finished after him.