Chapter 12

A Mask That Hides The Heart

The Konoha delegation took formal leave of General Mifune early the following morning. It was the first of the delegations to depart the Land of Iron, and when the Leaf village shinobi sat down to breakfast in the palace's morning room after making their farewells, the sun still slumbered low below the horizon.

An expanse of darkness lay outside the garden windows but golden lamp-light filled the breakfast room, wood crackled in the fireplace, and in the company of two of the people who meant the most to him, Kakashi was almost content. Only Sasuke's presence and being in Konoha could make it ideal.

At least one of those would be a reality soon. It had been decided in the last hour that he and Sakura would teleport back to the village with Tsunade's guard platoon instead of making the long return trip by foot, while Naruto and Shikamaru would head west to the Land of Crows to meet with Sasuke.

"I wish Shikamaru and I could teleport there," Naruto said. "Pervy Sage and I visited the Land of Crows years ago and it's a beast getting there in this weather."

Genma laughed and slapped a hand against Naruto's back. "I'd be happy to take you if we could," he said. "If you can convince the Hokage to let us mark you with the jutsu formula, we can at least come get you when you're done."

"Good luck with that," Shikamaru muttered. "I've been informed that when in possession of a tremendously useful transportation jutsu such as the Hiraijin formation technique, it's best to use it as little as possible."

Tsunade ignored Shikamaru and said, "When you're a Hokage, Naruto, you'll get a personal marker. Until then, you can camp in the snow like everyone else."

"I'll be a Hokage soon," Naruto countered. "And besides, it's my old man's jutsu. It's not fair that I don't get to use it. Don't you agree, Kakashi-sensei?"

"What's not fair," Shikamaru said, before Kakashi had to pretend to have been ignoring the conversation, "is that I'm the one stuck with you in the snow. Figures."

Naruto broke into a grin. "Aw, come on Shikamaru, it'll be fun."

"I trust you'll keep each other in line," Tsunade said curtly. And to her three-man platoon, "Let's go. I don't have all day." The platoon snapped to attention and when Tsunade stood, everyone else at the table followed suit.

As Tsunade followed her squad out, Kakashi leveled his gaze at Naruto. "This isn't a vacation, Naruto. We expect you back in seven days."

Naruto grinned and sat back down. "If I can convince Sasuke to come back with us, we'll be home sooner, believe it!" he said before shoving a large dumpling into his mouth.

"Just focus on the mission you have," Kakashi said, swinging his pack over his shoulder.

Naruto raised his fork in salute. "I'll see you both in a week."

Kakashi nodded at Shikamaru and then, looking at Sakura, he said, "Shall we?"

She flashed a brief smile. "Yeah, I'm ready if you are."

The next morning, Kakashi lay awake in the predawn darkness of his bedroom. Rain pattered lightly against the window panes. Beside the bed, the second hand of the clock ticked loudly in the hushed quiet of the room. It was half an hour before his alarm would sound but staying in bed any longer was a bad idea. Too easy to lose himself in thoughts that wouldn't go anywhere.

Pushing off the covers, he swung his feet to the cold wood floor and ran his fingers through his hair. Routine was good. Necessary. Stand, make the bed, take a shower. Focus on the monotonous sound of the water rolling off his shoulders and hitting the tile. When he turned the faucet off afterward, the abrupt, empty silence of the house enveloped him again.

He'd been here for six months, but the place was still a stranger. It was too large, with rooms he never went into, and furniture he hadn't chosen. "Modern, monochromatic, clean lines," the designer had said. She'd been sent by the village council and he'd told her to do whatever she wanted.

And it was fine. There was nothing wrong with it. But every morning he woke up in a bed too big that faced a wall hung with colorless art. And every day he ate breakfast at an empty table that faced an empty chair.

Living alone wasn't the problem. Kakashi had lived alone since he was six years old. Since that point in his life forever divided by before and after his father was gone. He was used to living alone. He preferred it that way.

But this alone was different from his old apartment. The one he'd lived in for years, with its single sunny room that never had enough space, and the potted plant on the windowsill, and his team photos in their worn wood frames beside a bed covered with the threadbare shuriken-print blanket he'd had since childhood.

His old apartment had been a refuge. It had been home. But it was gone, like almost everything with history in Konoha after Pain's attack.

Kakashi pulled on his clothes, and meticulously wrapped his right thigh. He'd gotten home late the night before, after spending the day in debrief meetings, and he now idly wondered if there was anything edible in the house. Unlikely. He finished strapping on his weapons pouches, went to the kitchen, and opened the fridge anyway. It was empty, as expected.

Back in the bedroom, Kakashi donned his hitai-ate and took out a clean mask. Lingering before the mirror, he stared at features that were unfamiliar to everyone but him. Snapping the drawer shut, he pulled the mask over the lower half of his face, and headed out the door.

The rain had lessened to a fine mist over the cemetery. Kakashi stared at Obito's name on the Memorial Stone until the carved strokes of the kanji blurred.

"I wish we could have gone on together longer," he said into the damp morning air.

He knew Obito couldn't hear him. That Obito was finally in the Pure Lands with Rin. That he had forgiven Kakashi.

But forgiveness didn't change the fact that it would always be Kakashi's fault that Rin was dead and that Obito had become so lost in darkness he'd almost destroyed the world. No amount of forgiveness would clean the blood from Kakashi's hands.

Like he'd done a thousand times before, Kakashi thought of the ways the world would be different if he'd been the one crushed under that rock twenty years ago instead of Obito. It was a long list. Obito would have stayed in Konoha. Rin would still be alive. The nine-tails would have never attacked the village, and would probably still be sealed inside Naruto's mother. Minato would still be Hokage and the Uchiha massacre wouldn't happen. Naruto would have grown up with his parents. Sasuke would have never lost his brother. Sakura might never have had to kill anyone.

What good had come from Kakashi's being allowed to grow up in Konoha instead of Obito? Kakashi hadn't protected Kushina when she was giving birth to Naruto. Kakashi hadn't gotten through to Itachi before he took out his clan. Kakashi hadn't taken up the responsibility of caring for Sasuke and Naruto when he noticed the Third Hokage letting them fend for themselves.

"You would have made a good Hokage, my friend," Kakashi said, barely above a whisper. "Much better than me."

Years ago, the Third Hokage had given a sixteen-year-old Kakashi a self-help book on meditation and affirmations. Maybe he'd figured Kakashi's apparent love of reading would welcome its message. He was probably tired of Kakashi's continued attempts to get himself killed on Anbu missions. But books were Kakashi's way of forgetting his life for a while, and any book that made him examine that life more closely was not what he was looking for.

Out of respect for the Third though, Kakashi had given the book a try. Unfortunately, it had lost him in the second chapter. He'd been doing fine with the breathing exercises, and repeating the mantras, even though he thought they were pointless. But for one of the exercises, he was supposed to think about a point in his life when he'd been happy.

And he couldn't.

Sure, he'd had moments when he'd laughed with Gai or Asuma. Times when he'd experienced pleasure with another person. Days when he'd felt proud to have accomplished an objective for the village. But in none of those had he been fully present; none had been unalloyed by his never-far sense of guilt or the ever-present knowledge that he hadn't done near enough for the village to earn those moments. Happiness was a betrayal of the people he hadn't been able to save.

He'd closed the book and never looked at it again.

Beyond the village walls, the horizon was a swath of bright pink, and it brought to Kakashi's mind the Iron Country ball two nights ago. He remembered how Sakura's entire face had lit up when she spotted him in the ballroom, how her fingers had tightened on his arm every time she felt uncertain of her steps, and how he'd held her hand a bit tighter and lifted her just enough to keep her from stumbling. They'd only danced together for two songs, Ten minutes at most. But it was two songs and ten minutes during which he hadn't thought of anything but what was right before him. He wondered if that was the kind of memory the book had been looking for.

When Kakashi left the cemetery, the rain had stopped and the sun was scorching the damp pavements and glistening off puddles.

The quicker route to the training grounds was through the village, but Kakashi took the long way, keeping to the mossy, deserted paths through the forest that lined the outskirts of Konoha. Along the main road, the stores would just be opening and the Saturday morning air would be filled with the voices of children and the tinkling bells of shop doors. They were familiar sounds, comforting for the peace and prosperity they symbolized, but given the option, Kakashi would always choose the quiet of the areas that had missed the destruction of Pain's attack.

Here, the trees were old, not like the year-old saplings in the residential areas or the large transplants brought in from outside Konoha. These were sentinels, weathered and deep-rooted. The oldest tree in Konoha was in these training grounds, its trunk bearing the climbing marks Kakashi and Gai had made years ago in their quests to outdo each other. It lay in the opposite direction from where he was headed today though, and when the path branched off, he turned toward the large clearing in the forest where he was meeting Sakura.

The clearing was empty when he reached it. Facing the worn targets at the far end, he looked down at his hand, at the life line stretching the length of his palm and the faint white marks of old scars.

He was still getting used to seeing the world without a sharingan. When he'd first inherited Obito's eye, its perception abilities and reaction time had thrown him off and he'd needed to quickly remaster the timing and chakra control for all his jutsus. Losing the sharingan was forcing him to remaster them all over again. Doing it while developing a new jutsu was admittedly more difficult.

But despite the individual challenges, there was something timeless and universal about learning new jutsus. Something that felt the same at thirty-one as it had at thirteen. It was a sense of anticipation and fear, of being grounded and out of equilibrium at the same time. Of feeling barely in control, on the edge, in that moment of hesitation when a quivering frisson of nerves runs up your legs just before you jump. When you're strong enough to push past your natural limits even when it might kill you if you do. Kakashi knew these feelings well. He'd been learning them all his life.

The familiar sensation of chakra gathering in his hand focused Kakashi's attention. Purple bolts of electricity formed and sparked between his fingers. The lightning cutter jutsu had relied on his light speed movement for the deadly nature of its attack. Unfortunately, it and all the jutsus he'd derived from it relied on the sharingan's reaction time to be used effectively. This new jutsu would eliminate that reliance on speed and enhanced vision. If it worked the way he wanted, it would deliver a lethal attack without its wielder moving at all.

Moulding and altering his chakra with lightning release, Kakashi sliced his arm horizontally through the air and a massive arc of purple electricity stretched from his hand toward the target. Its speed cracked the air but it dissipated into sparks before it reached the mark.

Squeezing his hand into a fist a few times to relieve the scorching sensation, he let the chakra build again. The nerve endings in his arm quivered.

"It's looking good." Sakura's voice said from behind him. Kakashi turned to see her bright smile and some of the buzzing tension in him relaxed as she approached.

"It's looking like a work in progress," he responded.

"Well, it has to start somewhere," she said. "Are you still experimenting with chakra levels?"

Kakashi let his chakra disperse and walked over to her. "Yes, but the balance is eluding me."

Sakura reached absently up to the dip in her neck where her necklace used to lie. "What happens when you increase the volume of chakra?"

"Currently? A loss of precision and more collateral damage." Kakashi had already concluded that the key to the jutsu's range would be in his ability to control its form to a knife-edge accuracy even as he threw more power into it. And while he maintained the elemental transformation. The speed of the jutsu needed to come entirely from chakra control. He knew he would master it, but it would require a calm and focus he seldom had these days and the world wouldn't wait while he got his shit together. "It needs a bit of tweaking," he said.

Sakura smiled. "Well, you like figuring these things out. It'll get there."

"Anyway, enough about my jutsu," Kakashi said. "Tell me where you are with yours." The idea of chakra armor she'd shared with him was intriguing and he was more than ready to see it in action.

"Oh! It's coming along," she said, her face brightening. "I've actually been able to sustain it over my arms. I mean, it takes too much concentration still, but I really think it can be scaled."

"Want to test it with a spar?" Kakashi asked.

Sakura's smile faltered. "Oh…" she said haltingly. "Uh… no, not yet... it's nowhere near where it needs to be yet."

"I'm sure it's not, but it's a good way to find out where your weaknesses are," Kakashi said. "We can do hand to hand only. No offensive ninjutsu." Maybe a spar was what he needed this morning.

"Well…uh…" Sakura trailed off and bit her bottom lip. "I mean…"

"It's alright Sakura, we don't have to spar. But I do think you'll feel better about it once you get warmed up. And you shouldn't expect your jutsu to be battle ready at this early stage."

"No, it's not that…" She flushed and looked away. "I don't have a problem with sparring… it's just… I know it's a good way to test it but…" and looking back at him, she took a deep breath and said, "you know what, yeah, whatever, a spar is fine."

His lips twitched at the corners. It wasn't like Sakura to be this hesitant and unsure of herself. "Are you sure?"

She lifted her chin and squared her shoulders. "Yeah, let's go."

"Good." And backing up a few paces, he said, "Ready?"

Sakura dropped her arms and took a defensive stance. "Ready."

With little warning, Kakashi made the first attack, and Sakura barely dodged it. Her counter was telegraphed, and in the next move, Kakashi had swept her feet and pinned her.

"I thought you said you were ready," he said, surprised and amused as he released his hold. "What was that?"

Sakura scrambled to her feet, cheeks red and smeared with dust. "I told you the jutsu took too much concentration," she said, her mouth compressing to a tight line. "Come on, let's go." And without hesitation, her fist flew toward his face. But Kakashi dodged it easily and took advantage of her uncharacteristically dropped shoulder. A second later, he had her on the ground again, her arm twisted behind her body.

She let out a frustrated groan and shook him off.

"Again?" he asked.

Sakura kept her distance this time, clearly looking for an opening. Either seeing what she was waiting for or wanting to take him off guard, she charged. Kakashi jumped backwards and went on the defensive, assessing as he dodged or blocked her attacks. As the fight went on, it was increasingly evident that she was distracted and preoccupied, but her excuse of too much focus on her defensive jutsu couldn't explain the types of mistakes she was making. These were rookie mistakes Kakashi hadn't seen from her in years.

Considering the fact that Naruto's mission had him meeting with Sasuke today, it wasn't too difficult to assume what was distracting her. But he couldn't take it easy on her. If she fought like this in the real world, she'd be killed.

Kakashi blocked her next hook and immediately countered. She was on the ground with his knee in her back a second later.

"If you don't start paying attention, you're going to get hurt," he warned. "Again?"

Breathing hard, Sakura rolled over and stood quickly. Wiping her forehead with the back of her sleeve, she said, "Yeah, sorry."

"Don't apologize," he said as he took a defensive stance again. "I know it must be hard to focus, considering. Just get your head back to training."

But instead of doing that, Sakura straightened. "What must be hard?" she asked. Her eyebrows furrowed.

Kakashi hesitated. He sensed he'd somehow said or was about to say the wrong thing.

"What did you mean?" she repeated with a frown. "What must be hard?"

"I assume you were thinking about Naruto's mission," he replied.

Sakura's frown deepened and her voice took on an edge. "Naruto's mission? What about it?"

Ah, this was not good. Apparently his ability to analyze armies was not transferrable to the analysis of whatever was happening here. The random image of Kushina's red hair flying as she threw a plate at Minato's laughing face came unbidden to Kakashi's mind. "I–"

But Sakura cut him off. "Do you mean Naruto's meeting with Sasuke? Do you think that's what's on my mind?" Her voice rose and her hands went to her hips. "You think I'm still hung up on Sasuke? Is that it? After everything? After…" She trailed off with an angry groan. "How could you think that?"

"Sakura, it's nothing to be ashamed about," Kakashi said. "You–"

"Ashamed?" she shouted, eyes blazing. "I can't believe you! I'm not ashamed! And I'm not thinking about Sasuke–it's not him–he's not–he couldn't be farther from my mind!" She flung her arms down and stalked toward her pack.

"I didn't mean–" Kakashi started. But Sakura was already stripping off her gloves and tugging at her weapons pouch.

"I'm done for the day," she bit out, aggressively zipping her bag closed before flinging it over her shoulder. She didn't wait for his response and she didn't look back as she left the training grounds. Kakashi sighed and watched her go.

He didn't stay much longer after that. His mind wasn't in it.

On the way home, he thought of Sakura, angry and flushed red and stalking away from him. It made him uneasy. He didn't notice as he passed the open doorway of the grocery store. Not until he'd reached his house along the quiet, tree-lined avenue near the Yamanaka quarter did he remember that he had nothing in his fridge.

With another sigh, he climbed the stairs. What would another day hurt?

Later that evening, Kakashi was debating between going grocery shopping after all or picking up takeout. Making idle conversation with everyone he'd meet at the store wasn't exactly appealing but he had no appetite for any of the restaurants.

Before he could make up his mind, a knock sounded. Setting the menus down, he pulled his mask up and went to the door.

On the other side, her pink hair the color of sunset against the deep orange of the horizon behind her, stood Sakura. She smiled brightly, if sheepishly, and held up the bags she was carrying. "I brought dinner. I know you probably have nothing to eat in this place."

Kakashi stepped back in invitation. "Why would you assume that?" he asked as she walked past him into the house.

She glanced over her shoulder on her way to the kitchen and her only response was a raised eyebrow.

The corners of his lips twitched up. "Thank you Sakura, but you know you don't need to take care of me."

"Someone's got to," she said archly while unpacking takeout cartons and setting them on the counter.

He leaned casually against the kitchen doorframe and crossed his arms. "I think I've been doing a fine enough job of it so far."

"Mmmhmm," Sakura said with a tolerant smile. "Anyway, get out of here and find us something to watch. I'll be out there in a second."

Kakashi pushed off the doorframe and did as he was told. When Sakura joined him in the living room a few minutes later, he'd found a show he knew she liked and had it paused at the opening credits. She set their plates on the coffee table.

"For the record, I do know how to make a proper meal. I'll have you know I was just about to head to the store when you showed up," Kakashi said. "And I seem to remember being the one getting on all of you to eat your vegetables, not the other way around."

"Yeah, maybe later when we started going on actual missions. But don't tell me you've forgotten the stellar advice you gave us for our very first training day."

"What specifically? I'm sure all my advice that day was superior."

"Oh, this was superior alright," she said. "You told us not to eat any breakfast because we'd be training so hard that we'd throw up if we did. We actually believed you! And all you wanted was to have us hungry and desperate and very unwilling to share our food at lunchtime."

"Ah yes," Kakashi said. "But the end result worked out as planned so I have no regrets."

Sakura smirked and rolled her eyes. "Oh, no, of course not." And taking a bite, she gave a nod to the television. "Press play."

Kakashi started the show, but instead of watching it, he kept his attention on Sakura's profile. The changing colors from the tv reflected off her face and when she stuffed a dumpling in her mouth, he smiled.

Maybe feeling his eyes on her, she looked over at him. "What?" she asked, muffled around her food.

"Nothing," he said. And picking up his chopsticks, he waved them at her in a shooing gesture. "Watch your show."

"Fine." Pointing her own chopsticks toward his plate, she said, "Now eat."

She went back to watching the tv, and when she giggled at something onscreen, Kakashi pulled his mask down just enough to take a bite before letting it fall into place again. He'd eaten beside Sakura many times, and it had been a while since she'd tried to steal a glimpse beneath his mask. It almost made him want to give up the attempt to keep his face covered. At least around her.

Kakashi picked up his plate and relaxed back against the couch cushions. Sakura let out another giggle, and something about it made Kakashi feel like he was in his old apartment again.

Kakashi lay awake the next morning before his alarm rang. His bedroom was shadowed in pre-dawn darkness and rain pattered lightly against the window panes. The clock at his bedside ticked loudly.

Pushing off the covers, he swung his feet to the cold wood floor. It was a well-practiced dance, this morning routine. Make the bed, shower, pull on his clothes. Meticulously wrap his thigh and ankles and strap on his weapons pouches. As with the days before, he did it with as little thought as possible.

On his way to the kitchen though, Kakashi made a strongly-worded mental note to go to the store today. There wouldn't be anything edible in the house until he did. It didn't prevent him from opening his fridge and peering in anyway.

Only this time, he didn't find it empty. A tray of little breakfast dishes covered in cling wrap lay inside, with a note taped to the front.

In the wise words of Kakashi Hatake: Don't have breakfast beforehand unless you enjoy throwing up. In the wiser words of Sakura Haruno: You need a well-balanced meal this morning if you're going to stand a chance of keeping up with me at training today.

For a few seconds, Kakashi stared at the paper, and even as his mouth lifted at the corners, his chest tightened. He was standing at the edge of something he hadn't seen coming. Grounded and off his equilibrium all at once. Kakashi knew the feelings well. After all, he'd been learning them all his life. But this was no jutsu and he had no idea how to jump.

Or how to survive it if he did.

End notes:

To be continued!

Thank you for reading! So much love to you all.