Until Someone Called Me Dad
Summary: After a long bout of infertility, parenthood presents itself to Carlisle and Esme Cullen in a very unique set of circumstances. Will they be able to provide the care needed to help two very traumatized children heal from their past? Trigger warnings: child abuse (physical and sexual), infertility issues.
Opening Quote: "The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves." Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score
Chapter 5: Lost and Found
"Look!" Jasper exclaimed.
I followed his finger towards what had caught his attention. He was staring at an ocelot—which was basically similar in appearance to a leopard, but smaller. The leopard earlier had also caught his attention. Esme and I had decided in the remaining time off we had from work to get Jasper settled, we would make sure to take him out and about to have some fun. Today, we were at the Woodland Park Zoo with Emily. That was another thing we were doing—inviting our nannies along on excursions to get Jasper more accustomed to them.
"That's an ocelot." Emily told him softly. "They're related to tigers and leopards."
"It looks like a leopard." Jasper decided.
"Do you want to get closer to see better?" She asked him.
He nodded and took her hand. She lifted him up gently so he could see over the exhibit wall better. I could hear them speaking softly as Emily seemed to rattle off some knowledge about ocelots. I wasn't sure where she learned all of those facts, but I could tell Jasper was very excited to hear everything she told him. Of all three nannies, she was the one he seemed to enjoy the most. He liked all of them, but Emily and Jasper had bonded a great deal.
"I think she'll do just fine with him." Esme remarked.
"Me too." I agreed as they took a few steps towards us.
"What do you want to do next, Bud? We have two things left—lunch and the petting zoo. Are you hungry?" I asked him.
He shook his head.
"Petting zoo it is then." Esme decided.
Jasper seemed to enjoy the petting zoo. He especially liked the bunnies and donkeys. The cows also took an interest in him. He was less enthusiastic about the chickens and goats and seemed indifferent towards the sheep. After he was done with petting the animals, he played on the little play area for a bit before we headed to grab a bite.
"This is yummy!" He exclaimed as he munched on his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.
"I'm glad you like them, Darling." Esme smiled.
"Hey Jasper?" Emily offered.
"What?" He asked her.
"How about a chocolate milkshake for dessert?" She smiled, looking to us for approval as well. I offered her a small nod.
The two of them went to get the milkshakes, but Jasper was more entertained by the carrousel that had caught his eye. I watched as they walked over towards it, watching it go round and round while they sipped on their shakes. Esme and I cleaned up the table before joining them.
"Would you like to take a ride on it?" I asked.
"Really?" His eyes were wide, excited.
"We'll all take a turn." I decided.
I got us tickets and watched as Jasper picked his animal first—an elephant. I took the giraffe right beside just in case he needed assistance. Esme picked a flamingo while Emily took a frog. Jasper was beaming the entire time, a wide smile on his face. We ended up riding that little carousel three times. Jasper acted like he was in Disneyland. I guess this was as close as he had ever been.
After three different rides on the carrousel, we decided to make our way to the gift shop so Jasper could pick a souvenir from our trip to remember the day by. I watched as he held my wife's hand and pointed at various different things that caught his attention. Emily put on a big lion hat and turned around and fake roared at the two. Esme pretended to be scared causing Jasper to erupt in a fit of giggles. Those two were going to be just fine together.
"Can I have this one?" Jasper asked Esme softly, watching her with big, nervous eyes as he held up a stuffed river otter.
"Yes, Sweetheart. Of course." Esme smiled.
"Esme?" Jasper asked softly.
"What is it, Sweetheart?" She asked.
He motioned for her to bend down. I watched as he whispered something in my wife's ear who offered a small, hesitant nod.
"Yes, Darling. I suppose that's alright." She agreed.
Jasper picked up a second stuffed animal in his arms—a baby penguin. Esme picked out a green Woodland Park Zoo shirt that had a bear on it for him as well and then headed over to me.
"What did he ask you?" I asked her softly as Emily and Jasper played with some of the puppets, giggling the entire time as they talked in funny "animal accents".
"He wanted to get something for Rosalie." She sighed. "I didn't really have the heart to tell him no. I mean, it's not like we are hurting for money. I'm just concerned because I don't want to give him any false hope."
"It's a tricky situation." I sighed. "If nothing else, maybe that can be a thing he keeps to think of her. I think you made the right call."
We checked out at the cash register before heading to the car. Jasper looked pretty worn out in the backseat, eyes fluttering shut over and over even before we left the parking lot.
"I say we head home for a quick rest and then we can go to the second half of our plans later tonight." Esme decided, taking in our nearly asleep little one.
"Did you have fun today?" Emily asked Jasper softly.
"Uh huh." He mumbled.
"You sure are sleepy, huh?" She asked.
"Not tired." He yawned.
I chuckled as I continued the drive home. Jasper was out like a light when we got back. Emily parted ways with us and headed back home while I maneuvered a sleeping Jasper into his bed. I carefully took his shoes off and laid a blanket on top of him, making sure not to wake him. I made my way down to the family room where Esme was sitting, book in hand.
"I'm glad he had a good day." She decided.
"Me too." I agreed. "I think he'll like bowling tonight."
"Carlisle, what happens if they really never find his sister?" My wife asked me softly.
"I feel like I should be asking you that." I offered softly.
"Well, I mean, I know logically the course of emotional damage that could have on him. I just mean with us. That would be such a huge step backwards." She sighed. "I just worry is all."
"We'll be here for him no matter what." I assured her.
She sighed and nodded.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I don't know. I just sort of feel like we are in this honeymoon phase. I feel like things are too good to be true. Maybe it's because I've worked with families in similar situations, and I've seen how the children have been. It's just—he's almost adjusted too well too quickly. I feel like I'm almost preparing for a catastrophe." She sighed.
I pondered this. I suppose she was right to an extent. This was not how I expected him to be at this stage. Esme was trained to work with kids like him and she also had different expectations. In some ways, it was like a happy surprise. In other ways, I was also plagued with this question of when things will go south. Outside of his nightmares and being a bit quiet and hesitant to ask for things, he acted fairly normal. Part of me wondered if he was too frightened to show his emotions. Fearful of punishment. I'm sure he wasn't allowed to have normal emotions in the past. He probably didn't know how to show what he was feeling.
"If a catastrophe happens, we'll handle it." It was the best I could offer to my slightly anxious wife, but I believed every word of it.
Esme and I discussed Jasper a bit more before we turned the topic to upcoming plans, we hoped would take place. With the weather getting warmer, we would be having people come out to do maintenance on our pool to get it ready for summer. Something we were hoping for in the next few weeks was to have a family dinner with everyone. In a little over a month, Esme's parents would be coming to stay with us for a week which would let Jasper meet part of her family. He would meet Louis and Claire, her siblings later in the summer—probably either on a visit to Ohio, or on a vacation somewhere. I found myself excited to have Jasper with us for all of these plans—for the summer. I really had grown attached to the little guy.
About two hours after we put him down for a nap, we decided we should wake him. If he slept much longer, we feared a difficult night. Esme went to get him up while I went to let Tigger and Snow in the yard to play. Jasper was teary eyed as he walked with Esme into the room. His face was flushed and he was clearly upset. He clung to the stuffed otter from earlier.
"Hey, Buddy. What's wrong?" I asked him.
He sniffled and stared down at his little feet. Tears began streaming down his cheeks.
"He was like this almost the instant I woke him up." Esme offered. "He won't say much. I thought maybe we could have some juice and go outside for a bit and see if that helps him feel better."
I nodded, heading to the kitchen. I filled up a small water bottle with grape juice—Jasper's favorite as far as we could tell and found Esme helping him get his shoes on by the back door. We walked outside together, and Tigger came running up to Jasper, tennis ball in his mouth. He dropped it at his feet and waited patiently.
"He wants you to throw it for him." I supplied. "It's called fetch. It's his favorite game."
Jasper hesitantly picked up the ball and launched it as far as he could. It didn't go far but it appeased Tigger who brought it back to him instantly. Jasper repeated the motion several times, finally letting out a small giggle on the sixth or seventh throw.
"Why doesn't Snow play?" He asked.
"She prefers swimming and tug of war." Esme offered gently.
"I like fetch." Jasper decided.
"Well, you and Tigger will have a blast playing it." I smiled at him.
"Sweetheart, are you feeling a little better?" Esme asked.
Jasper nodded.
"Can you tell me what made you upset earlier?" Esme offered softly.
"I don't know." He whispered.
It sounded honest. Like he truly wasn't sure what had made him upset. Perhaps a trigger?
"Did you have a bad dream?" I asked.
"No. I had a good dream." He whispered.
"What was it about?" Esme asked him.
"We were at the zoo with Emmy again, but Rosie was with us. I miss her so much." He whimpered.
"It's okay to miss her." I assured him. "It's also okay to cry. Esme and I both cry, especially when we miss someone."
"Boys aren't supposed to cry." He sniffled.
"Who told you that, Sweetheart?" Esme asked.
"Victoria." He whispered.
"Who's Victoria?" I asked him softly.
"I don't want to talk about her." He whimpered.
I glanced to my wife. That name was new. Actually, any name was mostly new. Part of me still wondered what we had yet to discover about this little guy.
"You don't have to, not right now." Esme assured him. "You can talk to us about anything, but we won't force you to."
"As for this crying thing—Buddy, boys do cry. Grown men cry. I cry—sometimes over something silly. It's healthy to cry. It's how we release what's inside of us making us feel bad." I offered. "You'll never be in trouble with us for crying."
He nodded but I wasn't sure if he believed my words.
"Jasper, we were going to go out to eat for dinner and to do something else this evening, but I wonder if you would rather stay home tonight. We could order pizza and watch movies and play games." Esme offered. "So, what do you think, go out or stay home?"
"Stay home." He decided after a few minutes.
"Alright, that sounds good to me." Esme smiled.
We stayed outside for a bit until it was closer to dinner time. Esme ordered pizzas—way too many pizzas. She ordered smaller ones but told me she wanted Jasper to be able to try new things. So, we had a cheese pizza, pepperoni, ultimate meat, supreme, Hawaiian, barbecue, and a macaroni and cheese pizza—seven pizzas being delivered to us—just three people. I didn't question my wife though.
Jasper helped me set up Monopoly Junior. We figured that was a good game to start with. We only made it through a few rounds before the pizza was delivered. To my surprise, his favorite pizza was the supreme one. He didn't even take any of the toppings off. He seemed to really like the black olives too—something my nieces and nephews always left aside.
We finished up our game after dinner. Jasper won—even with Esme and I trying our best. He was pretty good though. It didn't even feel like beginner's luck. After the game, Esme took Jasper up to get him bathed and into pajamas for a movie night and gave me orders to make us stovetop popcorn—she claims I make it better—and some cookies. I was just finishing putting everything on a tray to take to the family room when the two returned. Jasper wore mickey mouse pajamas; my wife had changed into her Harry Potter ones. After getting the two settled on the couch I went up to change, picking my Star Wars set.
"What's that one?" I heard Jasper ask as Esme scrolled through one of our streaming apps on the TV.
"That's Harry Potter." She offered.
"What's it about?" He asked.
"A little boy who ends up being a wizard and going to a magical school." She explained.
"Can we watch that one?" Jasper asked nervously.
"I suppose we can. There's eight total movies and you're probably only old enough for the first three right now but we can watch the first one tonight for sure." She decided.
He was snuggled into her side, looking absolutely adorable. I entered the room more and chuckled at Snow snuggled up on Jasper's other side, Tigger on Esme's free side. There was minimal room left for me.
"Where should I sit?" I asked the two humans playfully.
"On the floor I guess." Jasper smirked.
I laughed in return. That was the first time he had made a small joke.
"Isn't the floor Snow and Tigger's spots?" I asked with a smile.
He giggled and shrugged.
I managed to wiggle in on Tigger's other side, moving him so he was half on top of me. It wasn't the most comfortable position in the world, but it worked, and it kept everyone happy. Esme started the movie, and we passed snacks back and forth. Honestly, the best part of the movie was watching Jasper's mesmerized expressions the entire time. He was fully invested in the movie—more than most five-year-olds. At the end of it he started to rattle off questions about Harry and Voldemort and why Harry had to sleep in a closet. That's when his affect shifted. He got very quiet as soon as the question left his lips.
"Darling?" Esme asked, reaching to stroke his cheek.
He flinched back a bit, pulling away from her.
"Jasper, what happened? What upset you about that?" Esme asked.
"The bad room." He whispered.
"The bad room?" Esme asked him back calmly.
"I had to stay when I was bad. It was dark and smelled funny. I didn't like it. Harry's bedroom looked like the bad room—but Harry's bad room looked more comfy." Jasper explained the best he could. "The bad room was scary."
"It sounds scary." Esme offered softly.
"You don't have a bad room here, do you?" He asked.
"No, Sweetheart." She assured him. "We don't have a bad room."
"Promise?" He whispered.
"I promise." Esme decided.
"Can we watch the second one now?" Jasper switched the topic.
"What if we save it for another night. Let's put something else on because I bet you'll end up falling asleep and I don't think you want to miss Harry Potter." Esme laughed.
"What can we watch?" He asked.
"Dumbo is a pretty short movie. I think you'll like it. Let's put that on." My wife decided, changing to Disney Plus.
About five minutes into Dumbo, Tigger decided to go lay on his bed in the family room. I found myself a little shocked when Jasper crawled over to sit with me. He had been very snuggled to Esme, so I don't know what made him change but I welcomed his little snuggles. I wrapped an arm around him and glanced to my wife who studied us with a happy expression. I felt his breathing start to slow about halfway through the movie and soon he was deadweight, fast asleep. We finished out the movie and I carried him up to his room, tucking him in gently. Tigger and Snow both hopped up on his bed, curling up beside him. Esme made sure his nightlight was on and we both made our way to our room.
"I'm glad he's speaking to us a little more." Esme offered. "Even if it's not much."
"Me too." I agreed, ready to continue the conversation but my ringing cellphone distracted me. It was nearly 10:30—pretty late for a phone call from someone who knew me. Esme and I were early on the bedtime, so friends and family usually didn't call after 9:00 unless it was an emergency. I didn't recognize the number, but answered on the chance it could be a resident. I wasn't on call or even working this week but I would offer tips if needed.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Dr. Cullen, it's Sam Uley. I'm sorry. I know you're taking time off but—well—it's not confirmed yet. Police and DCS aren't here. We think—well I think we have Jasper's sister in the ER. She's in really bad shape—probably worse than her brother. She has a skull fracture, four broken ribs, a broken sternum, a hemothorax—which we had to place a chest tube for, a broken collarbone, and she had some significant vaginal tearing and clear evidence of repeated sexual abuse. They think—well the people who brought her in—they work with this underground agency rescuing victims of human trafficking. They think she was being pimped out or something. It's pretty bad. I just wanted you to know—I know they said you'd been looking for Jasper's sister." My fellow, who truly wouldn't call if he wasn't fairly certain of what was happening, rattled off.
"Yes, thank you for calling. I'll—I'll be right there." I offered in return.
"Another thing I should maybe warn you about—she's very frightened of men. We pulled every male off her case that we could." Sam offered.
"Let me talk to my wife. If she comes in place of me, will you allow her to be with the child? I'll be there when I can, but Jasper needs someone home with him and if she's frightened of men—I think I should meet her second." I decided.
"I'll make sure Esme is allowed with her. Um, maybe have her bring one of the dogs? In the vest? That could be an easy in." He decided.
"Alright. Again, thank you for keeping me posted. I really appreciate you letting me know." I offered, hanging up and looking to Esme.
"What is it?" She asked.
"That was one of my residents. It's not confirmed, but they think they've found Rosalie. She's in bad shape. I was going to go down there but she's apparently terrified of men. Do you—would you be willing to go be there for her? If the detectives are anything like they were with Jasper…even with them being kind…" I began.
"Say no more." She offered. "I'll get dressed now."
"Take Snow." I told her. "In her vest. That way they can claim you're working, and you can be with her."
"Why don't you go get her—careful not to wake Jasper—and I'll get ready." Esme decided.
I took a deep breath and paused for a second, fully taking in the situation at hand. Was it really Rosalie? If so, she was in terrible shape. Should I go with Esme to the hospital? I didn't want to subject Esme to seeing her in such a state. Was there anything that was discovered upon finding her to lead to arrests of the monsters who harmed the children?
"Carlisle?" Esme asked, peeking out at me from our room.
"I'm going to call Emily, Rachel, and Rebecca. I want to see if any are available to come stay with Jasper. I think I should go too." I told her.
"Okay." She offered. "Don't worry about Snow then, you get changed and call them, I'll get Snow ready to go."
I nodded and took my phone out. Emily was who Jasper had spent the most time with so far, so I figured I'd try her first. I felt bad waking her if she was already asleep, but figured she could say no if she was unable to come out so late.
"Hello?" She answered.
"Emily. I'm so sorry to call so late. I hope I didn't wake you." I offered.
"No, don't worry. I've actually just been up studying. Is everything okay?" She asked.
"I know it's late, I hate to ask this of you, but would you be able to come stay with Jasper for a while? The hospital called. They think they may have found Rosalie. Esme and I are going down to see her. It's okay if you can't come so late, I can call Rachel or Rebecca as well. I just thought I'd check with you first. Of course given it's late, we'd pay extra." I told her.
"I can come." She offered. "No need to pay extra, you all are already paying me more than enough. I can be there in about thirty minutes. I do have a class at 2:00 tomorrow, so I'd need to leave around 1:00. I can call Rachel and Rebecca in the morning and figure out if they can trade out with me if you both are still at the hospital."
"Thank you so much Emily, we really owe you. We'll see you soon." I told her.
"Any luck?" Esme asked as I walked into our room.
"Emily will be here in about thirty." I told her.
"I'm going to go gather a few things from the spare bedroom." Esme told me.
I looked at her curiously.
"I've been getting a few things just in case something like this happened. Just a backpack of things—not anything excessive." She supplied.
I smiled and suppressed a chuckle. "Of course, you have, Darling. I'd expect no less. I'm going to get dressed and we'll head out when Emily arrives."
I took a minute to think through everything that was happening as I got dressed. What would this mean for us? For Jasper? Of course, finding Rosalie was a good thing, but what would Jasper feel about all of it? What would he think when he saw her in tough shape? What if her injuries were significant enough, she didn't pull through.
Rage filled me again—similar to the first time I felt the anger about Jasper's situation. I hadn't even met Rosalie yet, but just hearing about her. How could they? How could so many adults fail these two children? How could people be so insanely cruel—evil really.
It reminded me of being a boy. Young, defenseless. Wanting nothing more than to be able to protect my siblings. Wanting nothing more than to escape. To run. I never could though. I never escaped. I endured years and years of harm and torture at the hands of my father—a minister. How could he do that to his own children? How could God call someone so terrible to ministry. How could he preach God's word on a Sunday morning to go home and beat his children and wife? How could he get to the point where he murdered his wife in front of his own children?
"Carlisle?" Esme pulled me out of my thoughts. "Sweetheart, are you okay?"
I had only now realized my cheeks were wet—tears pouring down my cheeks. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt so…vulnerable. Defenseless.
"Sweetheart, take a breath. You're okay. You're safe." She told me as she took my hands and stood in front of me. "You're right here—with me—you're wife. It's Esme. You're in our home. No one here is going to harm you. Everything is okay. Jasper is here, he's okay—sleeping. Our dogs are here too. But that's it. No one else. You're safe."
I looked into her eyes. Her beautiful eyes. Those deep, brown eyes I had fallen in love with. The woman who had made me feel so safe, so loved.
"Esme." I whispered, tears continuing to pour down my cheeks.
She pulled me into a hug. I buried my head into her shoulder. My body began to tremble. Sobs raked through my chest. She held me. She ran her hand through my hair in a comforting manner.
"There we go." She whispered as I calmed down. "You're alright."
"Sorry." I choked out. "So sorry."
"Darling, no. Don't apologize. You're okay. You're allowed to feel." She told me as she gave me a gentle peck on the lips. "You never need to apologize to me for feeling and having emotions. You know that."
"I think this all really may be impacting me more than I thought." I told her.
"That's okay. It's a terrible thing to even hear about. It's hard to help a child heal from things like this. I'd be more concerned if this didn't impact you. I think we need to be more intentional about tackling our feelings and emotions about this." She whispered.
Before we could talk more, my phone rang. Emily had texted to say she was here, not wanting to knock or ring the doorbell in case it woke Jasper. I made a promise to myself to return to this conversation even if it hurt or caused emotional turmoil for me. Esme was right. WE needed to address all of this.
Once Emily was in, and Esme had shown her the guest room she could use, and everything was ready to go, we began the trek to the hospital. I took deep breaths. Over and over again, I took deep breaths. Steadying myself. Preparing myself.
"It's going to be okay Carlisle, you're strong enough to be okay. We both are." Esme assured me.
But was I? I had no shadow of doubt that my wife was strong enough to be okay through all of this, but I truly was beginning to doubt myself. As we pulled into a parking spot at the hospital, I felt a tremendous pit in my stomach. That terrible little voice in my head telling me I was far too weak to take on something like this was playing over and over. Despite that voice, I walked hand in hand with my beautiful bride into the lobby of the emergency department.
"Room 7, Dr. Cullen." The receptionist told me, clearly aware of why I was here.
With no more than a nod, I began leading my wife to the room that I was truly frightened of.