Chapter 10: Too Hot to Trot
It is a holiday weekend in the good old U.S.A., and the kids are now out of school. All across the nation, backyard chefs will be lighting their grills to cook hot dogs and hamburgers. Here in the Deep South, we will enjoy dishes of slow-cooked barbecued pork, grilled fresh corn on the cob, pots of delectable gumbo, and yummy peach pies. Along the coast, some Americans will enjoy picnic tables laden with Low Country shrimp boil, pits of roasted oysters, or steaming piles of blue crabs. West of the "The Big Muddy", you might find Texas-style smoked brisket, slabs of St. Louis ribs, Mississippi Delta hot tamales, or even grilled vegetarian tofu pizza. The surfers in tropical Hawaii will be putting down their boards for a lūʻau, and in the far northern state of Alaska, fillets of freshly caught Chinook salmon will be roasting over the coals.
In the culinary spirit of the holiday, and despite Judy's concerns, Nick channels his inner Iron Chef. Hey, what could possibly go wrong?
Just a reminder that Monday is Memorial Day, a solemn holiday to remember and honor the sacrifices that many brave Americans in uniform have made to keep our country free.
"90% of fanfiction is crap. But 90% of everything is crap. Fanfiction is perhaps more famous for being mostly crap, but it's really not hard to understand why."
- In Defense of Fanfiction by Elijah Menchaca
Nick and Judy's Apartment
Near Walt Disney World, Florida
"The last time I visited Finnick, he made this really great dish of fried crickets with chili oil, and so I decided to make it for you," Nick said as he sat a sack full of groceries on the kitchen counter.
"Gee thanks, Slick, but I'm not really into eating crickets. That's not exactly a bunny kind of thing," Judy chuckled as she looked at the fox in the kitchen. The fox had rummaged around until he found his favorite chef's apron, the black one which had printed on it in white words, "World's Okayest Cop".
"Come on, Carrots, I know you don't eat meat and so I bought cauliflower instead."
"Roasted cauliflower drizzled with lemon juice is one of my favorite dishes."
"No roasting tonight, this baby is going to be deep-fried," the fox declared while he bounced the head of cauliflower from one paw to the other as if it was a ball.
"You did write the recipe down…right?" the rabbit asked after she joined him in the kitchen.
"No, but I am fairly certain that I can recall how to do this." There was the clanging sound of pots before the fox pulled out a large frying pan. "Ah ha, this should do it!" he triumphantly proclaimed.
"Are you sure you know what you are doing? Isn't that what you told me before you made those carrots with Thai peanut sauce?"
"That wasn't one of my best meals."
"You can say that again, it was a plate full of half-cooked carrots and burnt broccoli covered with runny peanut butter."
"I'm a fox, not a chef."
Judy sarcastically asked, "Isn't Gideon Grey a fox and a chef?" She made as foxy of a smirk as a rabbit could make.
"So I made a mistake preparing dinner, I'm sure that has happened to good old Gideon too."
"Then there was your spaghetti. I can't believe that you didn't know that tomato paste wasn't the same thing as tomato sauce?"
"So I struck out a couple of times."
"Then there was the time that you…"
"Okay, I think you've made your point."
"Nick, are you sure you just want to do this from memory? I can look up the recipe on my tablet for you."
"Naw, Fluff, I've got this."
Judy sighed and went back to their bedroom and started sorting their laundry, she could hear the fox muttering to himself in the kitchen. "Cut the cauliflower into florets, yea that should be about right…now make a batter…wait, what was the vodka for again and was it a cup or half cup?"
By now the rabbit's nose was twitching with concern as the fox continued. "Okay, bring the peanut oil up to heat. Check...mix the flour with some water…that looks good…I sure wish I could remember what that vodka was for…Oh yeah, dip the cauliflower into the batter…wait! The chili oil, I need to do something to make the chili oil!"
"Nick, are you really sure that you got this?" Judy called out in concern from the bedroom.
"No problem, Carrots!" the fox answered in a not-too-confident tone. "I forgot the red chili pepper flakes, so what can I use as a substitute?" he muttered to himself. "I know, I'll use a bottle of hot sauce instead...hey, this is the good stuff made with ghost peppers. Let's see, a cup of sauce…maybe? Yeah, that looks good…now… Holy…!"
There was a very distinctive splattering sound, followed by the scent of something burning, and Judy could hear the fox coughing and wheezing. Judy tossed down the shirt she was folding and raced towards the bedroom door, nearly being knocked off her feet by the stinging sensation which filled her nose and burned her eyes. It was almost like she had been hit with pepper spray. "NICK!" she frantically screamed when she saw the black smoke billowing from the kitchen.
Suddenly, there was a whooshing sound, along with a blinding flash of fire, and the fox stumbled out of the kitchen and away from the flames. Nick was frantically digging in the hall closet for their fire extinguisher when their apartment's smoke alarm started blaring. Finding the extinguisher, the fox pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. "Pin! Pull the pin!" Judy gasped out. Finally, a steady stream of white fluffy foam shot out into the smoke and towards the flaming skillet.
Throwing the windows open and the patio door, Judy looked over at the fox, but her eyes were still stinging and watering. "Nick, did you get burned?"
"No and I still have most of the fur on my arms," he coughed out as he joined her on the patio after he had finally turned off the smoke alarm. "I guess you weren't supposed to add the hot sauce to the hot oil?"
"Nick!"
"And then when the flames started, I panicked and grabbed the first thing I saw to pour it onto the flames."
"You're supposed to cover a burning pot to smother the flames, not add water."
"Yeah, I know."
"Nick?"
"I'm also pretty sure that wasn't what I was supposed to do with that cup of vodka either."
"Nick!"
"Hey, I think we might want to order pizza for dinner," the fox said. His ears then perked up when he heard the distant wail of sirens. "We better order a lot of pizza, because it sounds like we're about to have company," he sighed.
You can add vodka to the batter when you fry cauliflower in oil; it helps make the coating crisper.
Of course, Nick, you can't make chili oil with bottled hot sauce and you only use the flavored oil as a dip.
Now, I'm not saying that anything like this has happened to anyone I know (why is my wife looking at me like that?).