Chapter 15: Saving Snow White
Disney is making a live-action version of "Snow White" and it has sparked some controversy, so in the spirit of things, I offer my take on the story.
My apologies to the Brothers Grimm, who, by putting this ancient fairytale to ink, may be considered the tale's first fan fiction writers.
Nick and Judy's Apartment
Near Walt Disney World, Florida
"It was HOT out there!" the fox groaned before he pulled off his green tropical shirt and tossed it onto the bed next to his already discarded blue and red tie. "If I panted anymore, my tongue would have fallen off. This is the kind of weather Finnick enjoys, but it is too hot for a red fox."
"Nick, it only reached the mid-nineties today, and at least you don't have to wear spandex," the rabbit standing next to him said before she pulled off her dark blue chest plate. "I'm glad we didn't take Professor Ludwig Von Drake up on his latest cockamamie invention."
"I can't believe Goofy agreed to test the Professor's new micro-air-conditioned costume."
"It seemed to work fine at first, before it went haywire like many of his inventions, and then puffed up like a balloon before he began floating out of the park."
"Well, Robin brought him down with one well-aimed arrow."
"It didn't exactly pop or anything but instead it propelled poor Goofy through the air making that awful sound…"
"Pinocchio got it right. It did sound like a huge fart," Nick said, laughing as he made a flying motion and imitated the sound they had heard by going "pppppfffffffttttt!"
"I'm not sure who's more immature, a pre-teen wooden puppet or a fully grown fox?" Judy scoffed as she rolled her eyes at the fox.
"And the whole time Goofy was screaming, 'Ya-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoooooeeey!'"
"It was very nice of Aladdin's Magic Carpet to fly up there and rescue him from the tip of the giant guitar just outside of the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster, where he had been hanging from his pants.
The fox sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled his pants off. "I'm starting to get worried about the Zootopia sequel," he sighed.
"Why?" Judy asked while she struggled to pull off her tight light blue uniform shirt.
"It just seems as if Disney is going to blow another remake, this time they are screwing up Snow White. You would think that they would learn, after Peter Pan and The Little Mermaid, not to make so many changes."
"What changes are they making?"
"They are not using the dwarfs."
"Wait, isn't the story called Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?"
"Nope, no dwarfs. Talk about political correctness gone amok!"
"I believe they call it reimagining the story for modern audiences," Judy said as she pulled off her uniform pants and crawled onto the bed.
"Finn told me that Grumpy said that the Seven Dwarfs are trying to get the ACLF to sue Disney for discriminating against them because they're mythical beings of Indo-European legend."
"Don't you mean the ACLU, the American Civil Liberties Union?"
"No, the Animated Characters Legal Fund, the ACLF."
"Oh, dear!"
"Well, I'm going to take a long soak in the bathtub, would you care to join me?" Nick said as he hopped off the bed.
"I'll join you in a few moments, I just want to rest a bit first," Judy replied as she slipped under the sheets and gave a cute yawn before she closed her eyes. Soon she fell asleep and dreamed.
...zzzzzz...
"Magic Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?" the short white-furred sheep asked as she looked into her magic mirror. She was wearing a magnificent dress with a golden crown on her head. All around her, the castle walls were decorated with beautiful tapestries and she was sipping from a diamond-crested goblet.
The mirror suddenly answered and a parrot with red and blue feathers was staring back at her, "Yeah, yeah, yeah! What do you want, Bellwether? "
"It's Queen Bellwether, Iago, and you're supposed to answer, 'Famed is thy beauty, Majesty'."
"Hold on, I've got the script around here somewhere. Hey, Abu, hand me that folder."
The monkey wearing a red fez and a vest handed the bird a file.
"Thanks, pal. Let's see," the parrot continued as he fumbled for his reading glasses. Finally slipping them on his beak, he held the paper up and read, "Famed is thy beauty, Majesty. But hold, a lovely maid I see. Rags cannot hide her gentle grace. Alas, she is more fair than thee." Setting the sheet of paper down, he turned toward Abu and asked. "Who still uses the word alas?"
The monkey shrugged.
"Focus, bird-brain!" Dawn interrupted. "Can we get back to the story?"
"Anytime."
"You claim that Snow White is more beautiful than me?" the queen asked while she frowned at the mirror.
"That's what it says. Hey, doesn't that bunny have gray fur and you're the one with white wool? Shouldn't you be playing the role of Snow White?" the parrot replied.
"Disney reimagined the part."
"Tell me about it, I was lucky the old face in the mirror retired and I got this gig."
Needless to say, the Evil Queen was shocked and turned green with envy...not literally since white-wooled sheep can't become that color. Whenever she looked at Snow White, her heart heaved in her breast for she hated that bunny so very much. Envy grew higher and higher in her heart, like a noxious weed as its tendrils smothered any compassion from within her. Finally, she summoned a huntsman and ordered, "Take that bunny away into the forest and kill her."
The huntsman obeyed and dragged poor Snow White deep into the woods but once they got there, the bunny began to weep and cried, "Dear huntsman, please spare my life. I will run away into the wild forest, and never come home again."
She was so beautiful that the huntsman had pity on her and said, "Run away, then, you poor rabbit."
"Really?" asked the bunny.
"Get going before I change my mind," the huntsman answered as he gave her a shooing motion with his hands.
"You should know that you look just like Thor."
"I am Thor, but since I look like the actor in the movie, Snow White and the Huntsman, they cast me for this role."
"If you are a superhero, you're supposed to save me!"
Pulling out his hammer, Thor looked down at her and shook his head," No, I am flying to New Asguard where I am going to drink."
"You're going to leave me in this wild forest just so you can go drink?"
"If you had seen my last movie, you'd drink too!" the god of thunder replied and with a whirl of Mjölnir, he soared off the ground into the sky above.
Now the poor bunny was all alone in the deep, dark, menacing forest, and she was so terrified as she looked around. Finally, in her desperation, she began to frantically run. She ran as long and as fast as her paws would take her until she saw a quaint little cottage in a glade full of flowers. Bees buzzed, butterflies fluttered idyllically around, and birds sang gaily in the trees. "What a lovely place," she sighed. "Maybe someone in there could help me?" When she went to knock on the door, it was open and she entered the cottage to rest herself. Everything inside was small, but neat and clean. There was a table with seven little plates, each piled with vegetables and bread. Seven little knives, spoons, and forks lay beside them, and seven little mugs full of wine. Against the wall stood seven little beds, all arranged side by side.
Snow White was so hungry and thirsty that she nibbled some of the vegetables and bread from each plate. She also sipped a single drop of wine out of each mug, for being the heroine she did not wish to take all from only one. Growing tired she laid herself down on one of the little beds, but none of them suited her, one was too long, another too short, but at last she found that the seventh one was right, and she went to sleep.
It was quite dark when the owners of the cottage came back, they were seven fennec foxes. They lit their seven candles, and as it was now light within the cottage, they realized that someone had been there!
The first fox said, "Who has been sitting on my chair?"
The second fox exclaimed, "Who has been eating off my plate?"
The third fox uttered, "Who has been taking some of my bread?"
The fourth fox added, "Who has been eating my vegetables?"
The fifth fox declared, "Who has been using my fork?"
The sixth fox asked, "Who has been cutting with my knife?"
The seventh fox, in a surprisingly deep voice, cursed, "Who the hell has been drinking out of my mug?"
Then the first fox looked around and saw that there was a little indentation on his bed, and he said, "Who has been getting into my bed?"
The second fox exclaimed, "Who rumpled my blanket?"
The third fox uttered, "Who fluffed up my pillow like that?"
The fourth fox added, "Who moved my teddy bear?"
The fifth fox declared, "Who untucked my sheets?"
The sixth fox asked, "Who ate the chocolate I always leave on my pillow, so I can pretend that I am in a fancy hotel?"
The seventh fox, in a surprisingly deep voice, cursed, "Who the [CENSORED] wrote this? This story is sounding more like Goldilocks and the Three Bears than Snow White."
"Finnick, do your line!" the other six foxes yelled in unison.
The fox walked over to his bed, and holding his little candle in front of him, cursed, "Holy crap, there is a really hot-looking bunny babe in my bed!"
Quickly the other six little foxes came running up with their six little candles and, seeing Snow White sleeping in the bed, they cried together, "Oh, heavens, oh, heavens, what a cute...err, what a lovely bunny. She looks exhausted so let us not wake her up, but let her peacefully rest in the bed."
After that, each fox changed into his pajamas and crawled into their own bed.
"Move over," the seventh fox said to the slumbering bunny.
"Wait, you can't sleep in the bed with her!" the others cried out.
"Then where should I sleep, she's in MY bed!"
"Go sleep in your van," the other foxes answered in unison.
"[CENSORED] this!" Finnick cursed.
When the morning sun showed through the cottage's little window, Snow White awoke and was frightened when she saw the seven little foxes. But they were friendly and asked her what her name was. "My name is Snow White," she answered giving them a little curtsy.
"Why did you come into our house? You know that breaking and entering is a crime," the seventh fox huffed.
Snow White told them that the evil queen had wished to have her killed and that the huntsman took pity upon her and spared her life. She told them that she had run for the whole day until at last, she had found their dwelling.
The foxes huddled together and after agreeing, said, "If you will take care of our house, cook, make the beds, wash, sew, and knit, and if you will keep everything neat and clean you can stay with us."
"Isn't that modern-day slavery?" she asked while she stood there with her arms crossed.
"No, it's more like marriage. Take it or leave it," the seventh fox growled.
So the bunny kept the house in order for them while they all loaded into the beat-up old van as they sang, "Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, It's off to scam we go." The van gave a 'BANG' when it backfired and made the sound of grinding of gears before they drove toward the big city to swindle, con, and hustle poor unsuspecting citizens out of their hard-earned money. Every evening, they came back expecting their supper to be ready. Every day, the overworked bunny was alone by herself and so the little foxes warned her, "Beware of the Evil Queen, for if she ever finds out you are still alive, she will come looking for you!"
Back at the castle, the queen sat before her magic mirror and asked, "Magic Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"
The parrot in the looking glass answered, "Wait a moment...ah, here it is! "Famed is thy beauty, Lamb Chops."
"Don't call me Lamb Chops!"
"What about Mutton Mouth?"
"No! Is that all?"
"Wait, there's more!" Iago dramatically pronounced and with a flourish of his wing, he continued. "But hold, a lovely maid I see. Rags cannot hide her gentle grace. Alas, she is more fair than thee." The parrot finished with a bow.
"All right, you know, you're milking it."
"Isn't that what the fox said to the rabbit before you got arrested?"
"Shut up," the queen snapped as she stormed out of the door.
"Who wrote this? I like the Disney 1937 movie script better!" the bird said to the monkey in the red fez and vest before he toss the sheet of paper he was reading aside.
Abu just shrugged.
Anyway, Queen Bellwether was astounded, for she knew that the huntsman had betrayed her and that Snow White was still alive. She schemed how she might kill her, for so long as she was not the fairest in all the land, her jealousy would not let her have any rest. Finally, she came up with a plan and dressed herself in rags like an old peddler-woman so that no one could have known her. In the castle's dungeon, she watched as Doug, the Royal Apothecary, mashed up bulbs that had blue flowers and distilled their juice. Carefully, he spiked a ripe red apple with the blue potion.
In her disguise, Queen Bellwether went to the home of the seven foxes and knocked on the door. "I am just a poor widow selling my fruit, how about a nice big juicy red apple?" she lied.
"No," cried out Snow White as she peeked out of the door, "I dare not take anything."
"Are you afraid of poison?" asked the seemingly kindly old woman, "Here, you eat this apple and I'll eat the other so that you know that they are not poisoned. She sat the two apples down on the stoop and fought from chuckling with glee when the bunny opened the door.
"Hey, is that a unicorn?" Snow White suddenly asked.
"A unicorn?" the Evil...err kindly old woman cried out in surprise as she turned her head to look where the rabbit was pointing. Looking back at the bunny, she picked up the apple and smiled. "Come dear, have a bite from your apple and I will take a bite from mine." Her grin grew when she saw Snow White take a big chomp from the apple.
"Are you going to eat yours?" the bunny asked.
"Sure," the Evil...err kindly old woman said before she too bit into her apple.
Leaning against the door, Snow White smirked when she added, "By the way, I switched the apples. That one in your hoof has a floral scent much like Midnicampum holicithias." Taking another bite from her apple she bragged, "I grew up in a family where plant husbandry was kind of a thing."
"Ooooh snaaaap!", Queen Bellwether baaed.
...zzzzzz...
The bed shook slightly, disturbing her nap, and Judy sleepily muttered, "Finnick, didn't the other foxes tell you to sleep in the van?"
Her eyes popped open when she heard Nick ask, "Did you just call me Finnick and why was he trying to get into bed with you?"
"It was in a dream!"
"You dream of being in bed with Finnick and who are those other foxes?"
"Oh, snap!"
And there we go, I have cunningly blended the 1937 Disney movie with the original tale to create this masterpiece.