Super Smash Battle Royale Bros

Smash Mansion

Snake flicked his cigarette to the ground, stamping it out on the grassy front of the Smash Mansion lawn. Sighing, he pivoted on his heel and walked back inside where Marth was waiting for him, Marth held out a dossier to him. The dossier was thick, and at least three of the files were marked with yellow sticky notes. The first one, a non-stickied one, was a face he was intimately familiar with. The silver-haired, half cyborg face of Raiden.

"Are we recruiting Raiden?" Snake asked incredulously .

Marth shook his head, "I'm afraid not. The three pictures with that infernal colored sticky paper are your actual recruits. The rest are to be offered auxiliary memberships if they take them."

"Got it." Snake growled.

Marth's eyes suddenly widened, "Oh! I almost forgot."

Marth rummaged through a satchel slung over his right shoulder, finally handing Snake a rectangular piece of paper. Snake flipped over the piece of paper. A check, From the Bank of Smash. For forty billion Smash Coins.

"What? A check? For forty billion coins as well. Who're we giving the big bucks to?" asked the mercenary.

"Back of the dossier," Marth said with a dismissive wave.

Snake flipped through it, and saw a, quite frankly, ugly looking purple head, made of jagged shapes.

"That's Polygon Man. He's that organization's Master Hand equivalent."

"Is this some kind of Smash ripoff?"

"Well, yes. It started up about two years before the Duel tournament. It's nowhere near as popular as Smash, but it does have it's loyal fans. Master Hand has always wanted to buy them outright, give them jobs under our umbrella."

"To eliminate the competition no doubt," said Snake.

"No, to give them jobs, and teach them how to do it the proper way as Master Hand says."

Snake grunted dismissively, "Out of touch old man."

"It isn't our place to judge, only to follow. Besides, has Master Hand led us wrong before?"

Snake let out a barely audible growl. Marth was technically right, but being stabbed in the back by an authority had run in the family.

"Alright Snake, to the portal room with you!"

"Got it."

Portal Room

Snake watched as the Portal Room flickered to life, the portal to another dimension, which appeared to be the sight of a hotel with an immaculately groomed lawn.

"Alright Snake," came the voice of Shulk from a control room a floor above, "I need you to contact Raiden on Codec. The portal being open should give you the reception you need."

"Hmm. I wonder…?"

"Something the matter Snake?"

"No, I'm wondering if he even still has the number."

Snake muttered something unintelligible to himself, before kneeling and announcing the code to himself.

"141.80." Snake said, each number coming out slowly and deliberately.

A few, silent seconds passed. Even from a floor up, Shulk could see Snake's body jolt. Was that joy he'd just seen coming from the always grouchy mercenary?

"Raiden, it's...it's Snake. This may sound strange but, I'm...right outside the hotel. Or at least, I will be in a few seconds."

Snake grinned faintly as he stepped through the portal. A man in his position didn't often get to feel the sensation of catching up with an old friend.

The All-stars Hotel

Before Snake could even enter the lobby, Raiden was already before him.

"Hmph. It must be important if the great Solid Snake comes to visit."

Snake opened his mouth but then frowned. His old friend did have a reason to be catty. It was true he'd only been keeping in contact with the Shadow Moses ops team for security purposes.

"Raiden" sighed Snake, "If I went back to our world, people would try to use my DNA for war, and start the cycle over again. Any kind of correspondence that gave away where I was would be dangerous."

Raiden chuckled, "Your nack for precaution is still in tact I see."

Snake grinned, opening his mout to say more, but Raiden had already strode to the lobby. Snake would have to ask him about his increasingly robotic face later.

Raiden was suavely shushing an overly excited front desk agent when he entered the lobby. Snake frowned as he looked around. The place was like any hotel one would find in his world's version of the United States. Soulless abstract art lined the wall. The carpet was an ugly purple diamond design on a navy blue background. Any fixtures looked like were probably new as of the 1990s. Snake let his nose wrinkle, which Raiden chuckled at, "What, my new home doesn't live up to your mansion Mister Bourgeoisie?"

Snake was actively smiling now, "Enough pretty boy. Now, can you call an all-hands meeting?"

From seemingly nowhere, Raiden produced a conch shell.

"What?" Snake asked, bewildered.

"What?" Raiden asked, indignantly, "We don't all have Command Trooper looking wrist communicators like we do."

"Hey, it's Robot Command Trooper. How do you not know about the original mecha anime?"

"Because my roommate isn't an otaku." Raiden snapped.

"Ah, good point," conceded the mercenary, "Do your thing."

Raiden blew into the conch shell. The noise that came out of it sounded like a bass-boosted done of a note that seemed to go on for an eternity, followed by something vaguely sounding like a flute, if the flute was being played into a drive-thru speaker. When the noise died down, all of the people Snake had read about in the dossier seemed to just appear in front of them.

"Hey!" shouted the woman Snake had come to know simply as The Fat Princess. When Snake examined her more closely, it was clear her face was covered in some kind of icing "You interrupted my third dessert! There'd better be a reason for this ninja man!"

"Hey, who's the Escape from New York lookin' mama jamma." slurred a young man in a red trenchcoat.

"Holy Precursors Dante, you drinkin' alone again?" whined a weasel atop a young blond man's arm.

"Hey!" barked Dante, "I can want anytime I " he slurred, hiccuping.

"Poor guy's probably messed up on some other stuff too." said a dark-haired man in simple khakis and wifebeater outfit.

"Mister Drake, the composition of Dante's diet today is…" a small robot perched on the back of a humanoid marsupial began.

"ENOUGH!" roared a voice, seemingly coming from everywhere at once.

With a purple flash, Polygon Man appeared, "Well, if it isn't that Smasher that was too good for our little Battle Royale. I bet Master Hand put you up to this? That posh idiot has been a thorn in my skull for quite some time, and how DARE he send one of his kid-friendly soldiers to recruit my top stars. Well! I've got one thing to say to that crusty old hand, and that's…"

Wordlessly, Snake presented the check to Polygon Man. Using psychic power of some sort, Polygon Man made the check float up to his eyes, which went wide as saucers when he saw the amount

"WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY WAS, ENJOY THE PLAYSTATION ALLSTARS BRAND! I CAN BUY AS MANY PACHINKO MACHINES AND MAKE AS MANY BAD GAMES AS I WANT WITH THIS MONEY! LATER LOSERS!"

And with a purple puff of smoke, Polygon Man was gone.

"Yo...what just...happened?" said the paper-flat dog dressed like a rapper

"I believe Polygon Man is like a parrot who flew the coop...POLLY'S GONE!" chortled the weasel

For what seemed like an eternity, no one said anything. Then Snake cleared his throat, "So, the reason why we've bought out your brand is that we would like to absorb you all into our fold. Only three of you will be in our main roster, fighting in tournaments. But, when we need all hands on deck, each of you will be called upon."

There was a murmur of speculation among the crowd, which eventually quieted.

"Sly Cooper, the duo of Ratchet and Clank, and the suo of Jak and Daxter, congratulations, you are Smashers."

"OH YEAH! IN YO FACE EVERYBODY! YOU CAN CHOKE ON THAT CAFETERIA FOOD! YEAH!" cheered Daxter, the weasel from earlier

"Calm down Dax," said his blond companion, Jak.

"Yes weasel, your victory will be short-lived." Clank, the robot mounted to the marsupial's back, droned

Ratchet, his companion, gave an uncomfortable chuckle, "Good luck you three, as for the rest of you. See you around."

"Yeah, same to you Ratchet." muttered the raccoon in a thief's outfit, Sly Cooper

There was happy chatter among the group before Dante spoke up, "OF COURSE. YOU DON'T WANT ME! I'M DOAN-TAY! C'mon Evil Cole, let's tell Soldier Boy over here where to shove his B-Team membership."

With a nod, a sneering man with a crew cut nodded, and the two-strode up to the elevator on the opposite wall of the lobby, stepping inside when the doors opened. As they got in, the man with the odd hair in the karate gi bolted after them. Just before the doors closed, Snake heard Heihachi muttering the word "proposition."

When the elevator closed with the three men inside, Snake growled, "Their loss. Alright, Smashers come with me. The rest of you, pack your stuff, you'll be receiving an invitation to the Smash Realm in the next few days. You can bring anyone you want. Seating at the stadium will be explained in your invite."

Snake typed in the code for a portal to the Smash Mansion. The four stepped through it, closing it behind them. In the foyer sat a pink humanoid hippo and a green, slightly nerdy-looking humanoid turtle.

"Murray! Bentley! What're you guys doing here?" asked Sly, a wide smile on his face

"Well, we were workin' on the van outside the hotel, and we just got teleported here," said Murray, scratching the back of his head

"Guys, this is the Smash Mansion. We're in Smash!" Sly explained.

"Yes," came the voice of Marth, "You, Bentley and Murray will be rooming together. Jak, Daxter, Ratchet and Clank will be rooming together as well."

"Oh, wonderful. I crave an oil bath, it would feel exquisite right now." Clank sighed while closing his eyes as Ratchet walked away.

"Can ya not do it in the room? I don't want my room smelling like an oil dispensary!" whined Daxter as Jak walked to follow Ratchet

When the duos were out of sight, Snake sighed, "Jesus, I need a cigarette."

Marth giggled.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to Snake, "By the way, where's our fearless leader?"

"Overseeing construction teams making repairs to Smash City, sending out invitations to vendors and the like. We've only got seven more people to recruit, two of which are in a group, and we've got that under control."

Snake chuckled to himself, "Remind me to buy the man a beer once all this nonsense is over," he said, walking away.

"I'll hold you to that!" called Marth.

Marth immediately keyed a short request into the administration team group chat.

Please call Pit, Dark Pit, and Palutena in for the next recruitment. They'll be in Hell, so tell them to dress for warm weather.

(AN: Next week, the Kid Icarus crew take the Smash recruiting drive to Hell. Who'll they meet along the way? Tune in to find out)