Author's note:

TW : You will find mentions - intentions - discussions of self-harm in this chapter. I don't want to glorify these actions, they are nonetheless part of many people's reality, for which I feel very sorry. If you struggle with mental illnesses, there is always somewhere/someone who will be able to help you.

On that note, let me know what you think of this !

Chapter 4 - The perks of being alive

Obanai Iguro had been sitting in his car for close to ten minutes. Sanemi's house was right in front of him, he only had to step out of his car, then step into the house and be done with it, for God's sake. Why did everything have to be so fucking complicated for him ? All the fucking time ?

Why couldn't he be more sociable, more likeable, less fundamentally different ? If he was more like his friends, he'd be in there, already. Looking for the girl that had left an immutable feeling of warmth in his entire being. When he'd found her, their eyes would collide, and he'd grab her by the waist in front of God knows who and just kiss the life out of her for all to see.

That would be his statement for the night, and no one would get surprised because it was him and of course he'd do something like that… Well, if that wasn't a pretty fucking dream. And the farthest description of him he could ever picture.

No, Obanai was what he was, instead. Awkward, uncomfortable, self-loathing, prideful, and small, if that wasn't the cherry on top of the ugliest cake, he didn't know what was. And there he was, in all his glory, frozen outside his friend's house because he had no idea how to fit in at a college party.

Miserable. That was what he was, who he was, really. Incapable. That was another one. Obanai clutched his hands around his head. The panic kept rising and his thoughts kept spiraling into darker and darker territory. Fuck. There was no stopping it now.

He let his head fall onto the steering wheel, kept his eyes on the ground and started a breathing exercise that usually helped him calm his nerves. His heartbeat was pounding inside of his chest, and he could hear less and less of the music that was being blasted nearby, could see less and less of the flashing lights coming from the windows.

There was only him. Him and his out-of-control thoughts, his out-of-control anxiety, his never-ending hate that was always self-centered, self-directed. Everything seemed to blacken around him, and he couldn't see anything anymore. Fuck. This was not going to work.

Obanai was completely lost now, limbs trembling and blood pumping in his ears. His fingers dug into his scalp, he had to let go of this pressure, control the pain, control the pain, control everything.

His trembling hands started taking a life of their own and his right one opened the glove compartment next to him. He rummaged through it for a few seconds before gripping what he had unconsciously - or maybe it was consciously - been looking for. The item was heavy and made of black steel. Cold. But it was alright, he just had to take back the control he had lost to his fucked-up brain, take back the control of his entire fucking life.

He drew the knife nearer, he could barely see anything, still, he knew what he was about to do, what he wanted to do, what he needed to do. With this certitude acting as a guiding light through the tunnel, he promptly took action.

Obanai couldn't remember when or how he had gotten in this position, but he now felt the distinct sharp bite of a cold steel blade on the skin of his wrist. It was like his body simply knew what needed to be done to regain a measure of control. Suddenly, everything was as it should, and he only had to cut. Add another scar. Deepen another wound. Relieve the pressure.

The passenger door flew open and somebody climbed in inhumanly fast. The door closed again. Everything had happened so quickly that Obanai could barely register what was even taking place.

The blade was still against his skin, only a thin trail of blood had appeared, the cut accidental from the movement of the car as the mysterious passenger had gotten in. He didn't move it aside, he couldn't. Not now, not when he was so close to freeing the pressure inside of his ridiculously and pathetically small body.

"Please don't do this." Was all he heard from the person sitting next to him. A guy. Someone he knew. But his mind was so foggy, and his vision was still dark, and his ears were still ringing, and he couldn't even recognize properly who it was.

"Please, Obanai. You don't have to do this."

But yes, he felt like he did. Like he had to, to get better, to take control, to be himself again. He just had to. There was no other way.

Obanai released a staccato breath, he had been holding it inside for a while, without even realizing it. His lugs burned and his eyes watered a little. His chest cavity expanded painfully, and he took a few big gulps of air.

The blade was still against his skin but hadn't cut deeper. He was looking at it now. And he realized that he could see it. He saw the black pocketknife he always kept in his car in case of an emergency, saw the way the blade was pressing against his skin, ready to destroy everything in its deathly path. He saw the other scars that he sported next to the one he was about to reopen, some were whiter - they had been done a long time ago - and some were redder, from more recent months, when he had felt like there was no other way.

If he could see that, then… Obanai's head flew to his right and his heterochromatic eyes fell onto those of his friend. His eyes were kinder, a reflection of his naturally caring heart, and they were looking at him just then, with the same kindness he had shown a hundred other times before.

"Rengoku" it was all he could say in that moment. "I…" words failed Obanai, and he just stared. A deep feeling of regret steadily took hold of him, and he felt shame like he had never felt before.

"It's ok." Kyôjurô said, "Can you give me the knife, please?" he asked carefully, seeming unsure of the reaction he would get.

"Er…" Obanai glanced again at the knife in his hand, the knife against his skin. Only a few seconds ago, he had felt like the blade had been all but glued to him, that he could only take it back once it had accomplished its purpose.

Now… He tried to lift it off his skin, and when it worked, he gave it to his friend with a trembling hand. The fog in his brain drew back a bit more and he felt his senses slowly coming back to him.

Rengoku took the knife from his fingers first then took his hand before he could draw it back. He squeezed it with a fierce gentleness that Obanai was not sure he could face in that moment. Not when shame was overtaking everything inside of him. He was supposed to have stopped doing all that shit. He was supposed to be better, feel better. And he had… until he hadn't.

He had thought he could handle the onslaught of emotions that were sure to invade him as soon as he got there, but apparently, he had not. What a fucking failure he made.

Obanai sharply pulled his hand back from his friend. The panic that had subsided for a short period of time was close to coming back again with a vengeance and he felt like the cycle would start all over again.

"Look at me, Iguro." Kyôjurô said. Obanai's eyes went back to him, and he tried to focus on his friend's fiercely courageous gaze. "Don't lose it again. Find the will to fight this. I know you did it before, I know you'll do it again today."

He wanted to, fuck but he had never wanted anything in his life more than that… Or hadn't he? There was actually one thing he had felt like he wanted more than any other before, one person. Mitsuri. He thought of her, her smile that shone like the sun, her eyes that lit up from within, her hair, floating down her back like a pink cotton candy river.

Mitsuri. Who was surely inside right this moment, who was probably a bit scared by all his friends - they were kind of a lot - and who might be waiting…? For him? No. She couldn't be. And yet, she had texted him back and written "Meet you there."

Mitsuri. He had to go inside and find her, find the one thing that awoke in him the deepest feelings, the strongest attraction. The one that raised every hair on his arms and that could put his whole body and soul to a standstill just by being nearby.

Why was he so bad at everything? He had been just about to throw everything down the drain because of his anxiety. He had been so close to just fall back in his old ways of coping, but he was actually better now. He could see how it would be a mistake to relapse. And Kyôjurô was right. He had fought this before, and he had won. Now wasn't the time to give that up.

"I'm sorry." Was all he could muster to his friend. "I shouldn't have done that. I just…"

"You didn't do anything wrong, and I knew…" he started hesitantly but seem to resign himself and kept talking, "I knew something was off when I saw your car and that you were not coming out of it."

"Thank you… for finding me" Obanai finally concluded.

"We're all here for you, anytime."

Fuck. His friends were so good at being friends. He was still the same antisocial fuck-up he had always been and somehow, he still had them with him now, just like he had them in the past. He wished he could just be more like them, and less like him.

But this road was a long one, and many more bumps and accidents were sure to take him by surprise along the way. However, he was only starting to get that maybe, with the right people by his side, and the help that he needed, he could actually enjoy the ride.

"Do you wanna head inside or would you rather go home?" Rengoku asked him, then. "Sanemi won't mind, I'll tell him you had some essay due tomorrow or something like that."

Ever the helpful guy, that was what Kyôjurô was. At the center of their group of friends was this kindhearted, blazing heart, always positive, always here to help. A pillar. It was a wonder they were even friends. Someone cynical like Obanai generally tended to avoid this kind of people. But there was no avoiding this guy.

"Thanks. It's fine. Let's go." He simply said before swiftly stepping out of the car. He turned once again to his friend. "Let's go have a drink, yeah?"

"That's my guy!"

Mitsuri stood from her lounging chair and looked at Shinobu before saying, "I'm just gonna go grab myself another drink!" She wasn't even convinced that her new friend had heard her, she had been more than distracted for the past fifteen minutes.

Understandably so, one other guy had joined them after she had been introduced to Sanemi - who was actually very nice, albeit very drunk. This other guy was named Giyuu, yet another member of their group of friends. A very different member than all those she had met before.

He reminded her of Obanai, kind of, except more reserved, a literal wall of impassiveness, really. He had barely spoken to her; he only acknowledged the introduction by a small nod and a quiet "Hello." But Mitsuri was not someone to judge shy people - which he was - he didn't appear to be cold or mean. She had met those before, and they did not look or talk or act like he did.

So Giyuu Tomioka was all good in her books. And he seemed to be even better in a certain purple-eyed girl's books. Ever since he had joined their small circle of chairs, Shinobu had been all but glued to him. She kept pestering him and poking him either with words or sometimes with her hands, he remained impassive as always… And yet. He didn't move away, even though he clearly replied to the dark-haired girl with clear annoyance, he still sat by her side and let her do whatever it was that she was doing to him.

Mitsuri kept stealing glances at them, they were really cute together and she wondered if they weren't already a couple, their behavior could just be the way they interacted on a daily basis in their relationship.

Sanemi was still seated on the floor, nursing his drink and not really talking. He was stealing glances somewhere else, seeming absorbed in a different world and Mitsuri had no intention of disturbing him. She may have been a generally chatty sort of person, but she could appreciate silence in a conversation without feeling too awkward about it.

Mitsuri would have been content just staying there with these new people that she liked hanging out with, but she couldn't help but look for someone else. Someone who should already be here by now, someone she hadn't yet seen in the crowds of students around them.

Shinobu looked at her as she was about to leave their small circle and replied, "You ok to go on your own? I could show you to the kitchen if you wanted?"

Clearly, Mitsuri was not about to separate Giyuu and her and interrupt their conversation. Plus, she felt like she had to do this by herself, she had to go and find him, and she'd rather not have anyone around that she knew to witness the embarrassment of her being all flustered around a particular someone.

"Don't you worry, I'll be just fine!" she quipped with a reassuring smile and two thumbs up for emphasis. Urgh... what was she always like this?

"See you later, then!" Shinobu replied with a small smile and a wink.

Mitsuri took a deep breath to center her thoughts and went back inside the house. As soon as she opened the door, the air grew thicker around her. The house obviously did not have any opened windows and the heat of the dancing bodies in the room next to her was clearly starting to infiltrate the walls.

She found herself once again in a corridor and she tried to remember what her new friend had told her earlier that night, about how to find her way back to the kitchen. Everything was dark except for the flashing lights emanating from the makeshift dancefloor nearby and as Mitsuri got deeper into the house, she felt like she was walking through a fog. It was probably made of smoke from cigarettes and joints being smoked all around her and she couldn't help but being disgusted by the onslaught of that particular smell.

She finally saw the light that indicated she must have been near the kitchen, she practically ran in that direction, feeling more than a little claustrophobic after a couple of minutes in that hallway. She came barging through the door, hoping for fresher air to breathe once inside and collided with someone on their way out of there.

"Oompf…" she gasped at the collision and immediately took a step back. "I'm so sorry! Are you ok? I didn't see you there!" she was incoherently rambling at that point, trying to catch her breath but failing miserably because of the foggy air around her.

"Mitsuri?" was all they said and she raised her head at the sound of their voice, she knew it from somewhere, from some other time… Her eyes met a golden, fiery gaze and she audibly choked on nothing but air.

"Kyô? Is that you?" she was all but wheezing now, a huge smile erupted on his face, and he took her in his arms with that same big brother hugging style that she had always known him for. He spun her around a little before setting her back on her feet.

"What ?… How ?… What are you doing here?" the words were rushing out of her, she was still so surprised at seeing him there. They hadn't met for nearly ten years and somehow, he didn't seem any different than when they were both awkward pre-teens.

"This is my friend's house, I'm here for the party, of course!" he all but exclaimed with a booming laugh. "I'm so glad to see you here, what a coincidence! Do you know Sanemi?"

"Er.. kind of…" she started with an embarrassed chuckle, "I met him a bit earlier, I'm actually looking for Obanai, you probably know him too, right?" she tried - but failed - to appear nonchalant when asking that particular question.

"Oh!" was all he said, he had a puzzled look, then something seemed to dawn on him, a realization of some sort from what she was trying to guess, and he turned around.

Mitsuri glanced behind his back and saw the very person she had been looking for, the sole reason she was even there that night, in this place, out of every other place in the world.

"Hello Mitsuri." Fuck. She was soooooo fucked. The guy honestly looked too good to be real. His hair was loose again, it barely reached his shoulders, but it wasn't that far. He was dressed in an almost all-black attire: a thin and striped black and white sweater with a black t-shirt on top, black pants and black sneakers. His mask was black, too, she somehow hadn't felt put out by it until this point, it was just another extension of himself.

He should have looked like some emo-goth guy with an identity crisis, yet he didn't. He was just so hot. And Mitsuri was all but gone at the sight of him.

She had forgotten everything about the new people she had met that night, everything about the long-lost friend she had miraculously - and randomly - found again. All that mattered was this moment, when he looked at her with that hypnotizing gaze, when he spoke to her with that magnetizing voice, everything just faded in the background and her whole entire focus was on him.

"Hi!" she chirped. She had definitely been ogling him for way too long for it to look even remotely appropriate, she just couldn't help herself.

"Right, well!" Kyôjurô perked up at that, he was eyeing the both of them with that same look from earlier, like he had figured some riddle out. "I'll leave you guys to it and join the rest of the group."

"Oh, yes!" Mitsuri replied, "They're sitting outside by the pool" she helpfully supplied. "It was so nice seeing you again, Kyô!"

"We'll catch up later!" he answered sincerely before heading in the dark hallway from which she had been coming from.

Mitsuri turned her gaze back to Obanai Iguro. Her heart was beating way too fast and she was sure that her cheeks were bright red. She only hoped that the darkness helped disguising that feat at least a little.

"I was looking for you.." they both said at the same time, unsure about where to start. Mitsuri laughed at the sound of their voices overlapping each other and saw the distinct sign of a smile in the corners of his beautiful eyes.

"I met some of your friends," she said, hoping he would be ok with her getting to know some of the closest people he had in his life. "They've all been very nice to me, very supportive, even though I barely know anyone here!"

"I'm glad you like them" he easily replied, she felt like it was relief that she was seeing in his eyes, but she couldn't be sure. Maybe she was projecting what she wanted to see instead of what actually was. "Did you want to get another drink?" he seemed to realize at that moment that she had been heading for the kitchen when they met.

"Oh. No, actually…" should she say it? Should she pretend that she wasn't completely obsessed with what that quiet man was awakening inside of her? The latter she should probably try to hide if only a little… She was such a weirdo, she thought. "I came inside hoping I'd bump into you… I bumped into Kyô instead, but you were there too, so it's all good !"

"You guys know each other, then ?" he asked, this time he looked more reserved, unsure of what her answer would be.

"Yes ! We were like, best friends in middle school, we lived close by at the time." Kyôjurô had been the big brother she had never had when she was smaller, he helped her with her homework and played with her when no one else wanted to. "I made him drag me around everywhere he went, poor kid" she explained with a smile, "I called him my brother and he was kind enough to act the part for most of the time we knew each other." Her smile died down then, less carefree memories rising in the wake of that wave of nostalgia. "I moved cities after that, we never met again."

"Until now" he offered with a gentle voice, he probably caught on the sadness that was creeping in her thoughts.

"Until now!" she repeated, trying to shake the disturbing thoughts away and find the joyful attitude she tried to abide by these days. "You realize this is all thanks to you, right?" she couldn't help but say as soon as the idea popped in her head.

"What is?" he seemed genuinely lost in her reasoning.

"I met so many amazing people tonight," she started with hope coloring her every word, "I got out of my comfort zone and went to a college party for the first time in like… Ever! I made a few friends and even managed to bump into a childhood friend, all in the span of one night!" God but she was rambling now, and there was no stopping the flow of words once the dam had broken. "It's all thanks to you, Obanai!" she took his hands in hers and squeezed them, "I never would have come if you hadn't either, so thank you so much for that!"

She let go of his hands once she realized what an awkward mess she must have looked like in that instant and took a tiny step back. She had gotten closer to him during her rant, she always felt drawn towards him, by some invisible string that pulled her close every time they stood on their own.

His eyes were kind of dazed when he looked at her and he didn't say anything for some time. His hands were sort of hanging mid-air from when she had held them and his eyes kept training from her eyes to her cheeks, to her hair, to her lips and she felt like she was entering a trance-like state where there was only him and her and all she needed to do was get closer.

Her eyes had lowered as well, to his mask, she wanted to rip it off of him, not because she wanted to see what he was hiding, but because she desperately wanted to kiss him. It had become more than an urge to just get closer, it was now entering the territory of desperation. Desperation to hold him, to be held by him, desperation to feel their bodies pressed together, their lips meshed together while she looked him in the eyes. It was just all-consuming, all-powerful and more and more, it felt like it was inevitable.

Seconds seemed to pass by without any of them noticing, they were both staring, enthralled in the presence of the other, not even realizing that barely a word had been spoken all this time. Once again, it was just them, in their own private world, without interference, without nuisance, it was electrifying, yet terrifying at the same time.

"Do you wanna…" Obanai seemed to struggle with his words, his voice was hoarse, and his eyes kept darting around her face, looking for something she wasn't sure he'd find. "Do you wanna get out of here?" he hesitantly finished.

Mitsuri's brain felt like it rebooted at the sound of that. "What?" she was wholly incapable of uttering anything coherent right now.

"Like, do you wanna leave and… Go for a ride or something… With me?" he looked a bit more confident now, he looked like he was bracing for impact though, and trying to be ready for when it would hit him.

"Yes!" Mitsuri all but exclaimed. She hadn't been thinking straight from the moment they had laid eyes on each other, but now everything appeared crystal clear in her mind. And there was nothing she would rather do than leave with this man. It felt like the best idea she had ever had, in fact.

Now, Obanai looked stunned, he had obviously been expecting her to say no. But Mitsuri wanted to be brave, and she wanted to see where any of this was going, where he was taking her, and she couldn't know for sure until she had given it a real try, given him a real try.

She looked at him expectantly, "Lead the way!" was all she said as she took a step closer to him, for good measure. They were close now, very close. She could feel the heat emanating from his body and she could smell that intoxicating scent of his, all of it combined packed a powerful punch that went straight through her defenses.

When she saw him still looking at her with that watchful gaze, she felt the confidence to take whatever this was a step further. Slowly as to not surprise him, she trailed her hand down the side of his arm. His gaze left her face and zeroed in on her gesture, but he didn't move an inch. She took that as confirmation that he wasn't disgusted by her boldness. She carefully took his hand in hers and delicately interlaced their fingers.

Her arm erupted in goosebumps at the skin-to-skin contact, soon, her whole body felt like it would catch on fire. She had to be brave, she wanted to be brave above everything else and face this connection that they appeared to share despite having known each other so little. She just wanted it to be real, wanted him to be real.

Just when she was about to reverse her actions and take her hand back - she must have embarrassed him way too much by being so clingy and desperate all the time - she felt his fingers tighten on hers and he firmly kept their hands entwined.

"Let's get out of here."

Mitsuri raised her head again and looked at him, a shy smile seemed to invade her features of its own accord and she felt the distinct heat of blood rushing to her cheeks. Here she was, smiling like a fool, holding the hand of a man she barely knew, yet felt like he could wreak havoc upon her whole life and leave her heart shattered in his wake… And she had never felt more alive.

He took off in the general direction of the entrance door and she followed, hand still secured in his and heart fluttering inside of her chest.

I am alive, she thought, and for the first time since she had left the godforsaken town she used to live in and everything that went with it, she truly felt like it.