You can break throw yourself away
Leave it behind
We come
Undone
And if you need to, you can break me too
You can disappear
Please just take me with you and you go
Or let me follow
- Let Me Follow by Son Lux

I wanted to use the free time of the holidays to further develop my potions skills. So I got Professor Slughorn's permission to use the dungeon room and ingredients to practice some potions. But I wasn't alone. As I entered the dungeon room, Severus looked at me. He smiled thinly and my gaze went to his lips. I suddenly feel them on me again. I got pretty hot and bit my lower lip to try and clear my thoughts.
"What are you doing here?" he demands softly. He seemed surprised, but at the same time smiled slightly at my appearance in the dark vaults.
"I want to practice and improve my skills." I explained a little unsure. Why hadn't he told me he was here when he overheard my plans over the Christmas break when Lily asked me.
"Then we are here for a similar reason. Only that I don't want to improve myself, I want to improve the instructions." he said and looked at me mockingly. I'm upset with myself. I don't want to appear weak or stupid in front of him. But didn't I also want to work on my self-confidence?
"Then we won't bother each other," I said quickly, setting my cauldron some distance away. I wanted to leave him alone, if he hadn't revealed his presence, I'm sure he wanted to work undisturbed.
I open our textbook and look for a potion called sanguis formatio. This is perfect to compensate for large blood loss and is a well-known healing potion. I look at the ingredients list. Stinging nettle, tormentil, yellowish hollowtooth, gotu kola, unicorn hair, Blood Blisterpod, Sopophorous Bean's… and so a long list went on.
I sighed and first, following the instructions, tossed the nettle into the cauldron along with the Blood Blisterpod juice and let it simmer briefly. During this time, I began to cut the Sopophorous Bean, but it escaped me and hit the back of Severus' head squarely. He slowly turned to me. His eyes sparkled at me. Is it anger or mockery? I couldn't interpret it. He slowly picked up the Sopophorous Bean and his lips curled.
"Wouldn't you rather think for yourself than blindly follow these clumsy instructions?" he reminds me in a raspy voice. A shiver ran down my spine. Was he bothered by my presence, although we often spent time with Lily now? It was always nice for me to be around the two of them. Maybe he was different with me? But I suddenly saw a glint in his black eyes as if he wanted to encourage me to get more out of myself.
"I do not understand." I whispered and stared at him a bit confused.
"You might consider how to get more and effective juice out of this bean." he said and looked at me. There was something challenging in his eyes, as if he knew I should know the exact answer. I just have to look for it properly.
"Oh, that...how should I know? It clearly says `Chop the Sopophorous Bean small. ` However, the hard shell of the bean makes it quite difficult to cut, as I just noticed."
"And? Think hard!" he prompted, putting his gillyweed aside at the same time.
"Mh, I only need the silvery juice of this bean." I thought out loud, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. Severus nodded impatiently. What was he getting at? I thought until an idea came to me.
"So I might as well press them. But with what? What is hard and pure enough so that I can extract the juice without damaging it?" I almost asked myself more than him. However, Severus smiled briefly before handing me a silver dagger with an elegant gesture. I stared at the dagger in my hand. It certainly came from his mother, for although the handle was decorated with some filigree tendrils, it seemed worn.
"That's it, I can squeeze the bean with the silver dagger." I was pleased at the realization. But was it right?
"There you are. Was that so difficult?" he asked almost smugly. But he smiled at me encouragingly, which excused me for the somewhat brusque manner. In any case, patience didn't seem to be his strong point.
I shook my head and realized that the bean released more juice when squeeze than I could ever have gotten out by chopping it up.
"Impressive." I whispered. Severus had been watching me the whole time and was now looking at me triumphantly.
"How do you know so much?" I asked him appreciatively. Severus simply tapped his head with his forefinger in response and turned to his own potion.
I tried to devote myself to my cauldron again. But my thoughts kept wandering to the boy with the dark hair in front of me. He had his potion ready quickly, but he was scribbling in his textbook and I could see him revising the instructions.
"What are you doing?" I asked curiously into the silence. Although I spoke softly as usual, my voice echoed through the empty dungeon. Severus looked up. His black eyes fixed my movements as I chopped up the stinging nettle and then added it to the brew, which was simmering quietly.
"Well, it's a cherished occupation of mine. I revise these instructions and make them into potions that are perfect. It is a pleasant pastime." he explained to me as if it was the most normal thing in the world for a fifth grader to write such improvements in a schoolbook. And I was getting nervous because now he was looking at me with his beautiful dark eyes.
"I'll help you. You should also broaden your horizons." he said after making his potion disappear.
Together we started my healing potion. He had many ideas for improvement. He took 3 unicorn hairs instead of 2 and added some Meadowsweet which should increase the potion's effects. He also instructed me to stir clockwise seven times and counterclockwise four times. However, the instructions told us to stir only four times. It was true magic he was using.
When we were done, he seemed satisfied and grinned at me. I had never seen him so content.
"You should grin or laugh more often!" I said and regretted what I had said at the moment. I bit my lip because his grin was gone as quickly as it came.
"Yes, Lily tells me that a lot too." he whispered barely audibly. I looked at him inquiringly. Severus was thin and pale. His eyes had a piercing depth like his voice. His clothes were threadbare and didn't fit him, but I didn't care because my clothes were rather shabby too. And something about him drew me in.
"What is it?" he asked. He didn't miss my gaze and now he seemed restless.
"Oh, nothing at all. I only admire your skills." I said softly and felt myself blushing.
"You...you admire me?" His eyes met mine in disbelief.
"Yes, you have a gift that few possess. You create new potions and that's… special." I added. Was it really so inconceivable to him that he would be admired?
"Special... yes, that's it." He stated with satisfaction and there he was himself again. He was silent and watched me briefly.
"What are you planning to do now?" I asked to break the silence.
He seemed absent-minded, but he answered after a while.
"I would like to borrow a new book on Charms from the library. I have a few ideas and would like to see how they can be implemented." he now said hastily and quickly packed his things and left before I could say anything more to him. I guess I had to get used to the idea that our kiss under the mistletoe would remain a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I felt tears running down my cheeks. Ironically I dabbed them aside with his handkerchief which in turn made me smile slightly.

We sometimes met unplanned by the frozen black lake when the other students were still with their families. He, too, seemed to roam the beautiful grounds of Hogwarts alone from time to time. Besides, he tried to find out what Lily is doing and thinking. It inexplicably gave me small pangs every time. Sometimes I wondered if that's the only reason he was talking to me.
"Severus, what would actually make you happy?" I asked, as January 9th was approaching while staring at the frozen lake as we walked side by side. It glittered in the sun, which fell faintly through the veil of clouds. I took a deep breath of the cold air.
"Happy?" he asked slowly. He was wrapped in his thick Slytherin scarf and wore woolen gloves. His breathing formed a fog in front of his face and his prominent nose was slightly red from the cold.
"Yes, what would make you happy?" I laughed at him. I knew he had never thought about it before. He seemed irritated, but he tried to hide his emotions behind an inscrutable expression.
"I don't think I need that!" he thought aloud, I looked at him in shock, my eyebrows raised in worry lines.
"Everyone deserves to be happy, Severus." He looked at me, his black eyes shining. I had hit the mark. Just because his parents didn't want to celebrate his special day with him doesn't mean he wasn't worth it. That was something I wanted to teach him. I see how he organized his thoughts. He cleared his throat.
"I don't need anything," he said, turning his gaze to the castle. I knew he wanted to end the conversation with me. And before he could say goodbye to me, I struck him up a conversation about our essay in Herbology. After all, that was one of my areas of expertise that I could shine with and I noticed how my knowledge could impress him. And when we finished debating the proper way to harvest the Plangentines, he asked me curiously:
"And why are you so interested in Herbology?"
"Mh, I think I've always loved Herbalism because of the plants and their many possibilities. Plants, mushrooms and flowers always give you back what you put into them. It's a symbiotic give and take." I thought out loud. He was the only one that made my thoughts spill out of me without even thinking about it to the extreme. Even if my heart beat faster when he was with me. It was really weird. Maybe it was because of what we had in common in childhood?
"Different from humans?" he prompted in a soft voice and looked at me sideways.
"Yes, with people you can never be sure if what you put in the time and energy into them is really profitable," I stated. We were silent for a moment and I considered my own words.
"You know, I'm getting more and more taunts from my house for seeing you and Lily." he said after a moment of silence. I was amazed at the sudden change of subject and frowned thoughtfully.
"Well, then you should probably reconsider your friendships." I stated quietly and Severus gave me a sharp sideways glance.
"Yes, I will have to do that." he whispered in a hoarse voice. The cold seemed to have settled on his throat. Or was it the distance that he suddenly built up again? It made me sad that he got stuck like that. In the meantime, we have exchanged a lot and discovered similarities. In addition to the uncomfortable childhood with our parents, the feeling that they don't care about us at all. We're lucky if we have clothes that somehow fit us, since our parents don't care about our appearance any more than anything to do with us. I know the horrible behaviour of classmates myself, because in muggle elementary school I was often bullied for being different. At Hogwarts I had a hard time making friends. We both know the feeling of often being lonely, even when there are other people in the room. Although my own loneliness because of him and Lily doesn't really seem to matter anymore.
"You know, I understand you don't like muggles, but…" I began and stopped to look at him.
"Oh really? How come you know me so often?" He gave me a sharp sideways glance again.
"You were rejected by your father and by the kids in your neighbourhood. Living alone in a muggle area knowing you're a wizard is very difficult, I imagine. You were born into a poor family like me, weren't you?" I said louder than I knew it from myself. Severus frowned at my words.
"So? You think that's why you understand me?" His voice now sounded strangely strained and I suspected that I must have crossed a line. I bit my lower lip, but I didn't regret my words. On the contrary, I wanted to shake hands with him even more than before, to thaw him out.
"I can relate to a lot of it because I experienced it myself. I was often bullied and excluded in elementary school for being so different. However, my parents did not scar my soul as deeply as yours, Severus. I don't see it as my own weakness or fault that my parents are so deficient. They can't love themself. Then how can they feel that way about me? They are unable to take care of themselves, how can I ask them to do it for me?" I threw him at his head, the words just gushing out of me.
"Don't you see how weak and unworthy Muggles are then?" he asked in a low voice and bowed his head to the ground.
"But weren't the Muggles right in assuming that we were different and didn't suit them? After all, we are a wizard and a witch. People fear the unknown the most." I stated and tried to catch his gaze. My hand wanted to grab his shoulder, but I stopped abruptly in the short movement. I knew that he rarely allowed touch, mostly only accepting it from Lily.
"No, for me it is a sign that they are not worth more than animals. And you forgot something else in your wise conclusion." His eyes narrowed and he pursed his lips, stained bluish from the cold, in disgust.
"What?" I asked challenging and curious at the same time.
"I met Lily, and I wasn't alone. She was just like me." he said firmly, trying to sound superior. No, I thought. She was never like you, she was always loved, never slandered. But I swallowed my bitter words because I didn't want to hurt him anymore.
Then Severus happily recounted to me at length the first time he saw her at the playground with her sister Petunia. She rocked and let herself be carried down in the air. He knew right away that she was a witch. Finally, someone of his kind in the neighbourhood. He didn't dare to speak to her right away, but whenever possible he watched her. Eventually he had plucked up the courage. But it didn't go as he had hoped. Nevertheless, they quickly found each other and became friends, because both were the only ones with magical powers. It explains to me the deep bond he feels with Lily. She was the first person who liked and accepted him. Lily, who had so much goodness in her that you could feel it when you were around her.
And his loathing of muggles became apparent again. He has been tormented by them since birth. Yet I tried to show him that black arts were no solution and that purebloods were worth just as much as any other human being. But I didn't want to succeed.
"You know, Severus. I was there when Mulciber attacked my friend Mary last year." I looked down at my wand thoughtfully. Severus looked at me with interest, his mouth was slightly open.
"He wanted to get her, she's a Chaser on our Quidditch team and there was a game from your house against us. She's a muggle-born witch just like me. Mulciber just shocked me- from behind and took my wand, Severus. He wanted her to do what he wants. He used black magic to break her will. Mulciber is a pig, Severus! If my wand hadn't realized that it was against my code of honour and hadn't carried out that command correctly… who knows what would have happened?" I looked sadly into Severus' dark eyes. They seem cold like the ice that covered the lake, only the sparkle in it seemed menacing and distant. I shudder at his gaze. Was he really so blinded that he didn't recognize this act as the wrong it was?
"It was just a harmless joke, nothing more," he replied dryly.
"Severus, don't you understand what's going on here? How can you approve of that?" I exclaimed desperately. Can it really be true that he tolerates black magic attacks at Hogwarts?
"What about Potter and his friends? They curse others in the corridors just for fun. Nobody stops them. I've already complained to Professor Slughorn, but he looks away while the Headmaster just shakes his head in amusement. They're his favourite Gryffindor students, after all. If I were a teacher, I would see that Gryffindor students break school rules all the time. They are reckless. You have to show them who's the stronger one, because they're fooling you and causing accidents."
"Severus, do you know that Lily and I are Gryffindors?" I asked wide-eyed in disbelief.
He just shrugged and turned away. That ended our conversation and I was left alone in the cold. He won't change, I thought sadly. But can I blame him for that? He grew up in a home without love. Isn't it normal that he's clumsy in social situations? That he can't interpret his emotions correctly? Do his friends Mulciber and Avery and his attraction to the dark arts define him as a bad person? I pondered these questions for a long time. However, they did not lead me to a satisfactory result, but to even more questions to which I lacked the answers.