Chapter 10 - A leap of faith
When Mitsuri crossed the threshold of Obanai's apartment, she felt the very air around them charge with something. Something that was heavy, and demanding, but also exciting. It felt like entering a new space, even though she had been here - and even slept here - just the week before. The atmosphere of the place was very quiet, no lights were on, it was like she had never been here before.
Not like this anyway. And what even was this to begin with?
Well, it was her and Obanai, getting inside his apartment, at well past two in the morning, holding hands. This whole situation was unexpected, and Mitsuri felt like she was well out of her depth to comprehend more than the most basic facts about this. They followed as such : Mitsuri was with Obanai, they were at his place, it was dark outside and she really, really wanted to stay the night with him.
But how was she even supposed to articulate that? How could she even try to get closer to him without looking like a big weirdo? Yes, he had taken her up there, but that didn't mean much considering the situation.
No. Misturi berated herself, she had to remember the real facts. They went like this : she had gone to Obanai's place on a whim in the middle of the night. Somehow he had been heading out - on this way to see her - in the middle of the night as well. Then, he had taken her hand, he had spoken close to her ear, and he had led her upstairs - all things she had been more than willing to let happen.
These are the real facts. She remembered also the way with which he had looked at her upon seeing her outside in the cold. His gaze roaming, his jaw tightening, his fingers flexing, the heat of his body seeping into hers like it had belonged there from the beginning.
The truth was, there was something happening between Mitsuri and Obanai. Something that both of them had tried really hard to lock up behind bars of steel, but to no avail. This something had been simmering close to the surface for a while now, never far from them, waiting for the elephant in the room to be addressed so it could be freed.
It had almost exploded between the two of them after Sanemi's first party. Unfortunately, they had both been going through some struggles back then, and they had also known each other for barely a few weeks. In consequence, this thing between them had laid dormant for some time, but it had also gained in strength every time they had been hanging out together.
Now, the air in Obanai's apartment was buzzing with this something that was demanding to be let out. Tension, Mitsuri thought. It was the climbing tension between them that was growing impossible to bear.
Her skin was still experiencing bouts of shivers, her breathing had barely slowed down, her hands were close to shaking from wanting to act. Yes, Mitsuri wanted to do something, like push Obanai against the wall and press the length of her body against his, until she could feel the pounding of his heart as if it was her own. She wanted to peel back the layers of him until there was nothing left to uncover, until she could see it all.
With her hand still in his, she took a few steps inside the room, and with each step, it felt like she was sealing her fate. This was it. This was the moment she finally acted on her desires, the moment she forgot about everything holding her back, the moment for her to just let go. She turned on her heels, her hand slipping from his and took a step in his direction.
They were standing close, so close that the tension she felt around them became so thick it was as if she could taste it on her tongue. She raised her eyes to meet his hypnotic gaze… And felt the tension around them burst like a bubble under pressure. His eyes were just so, so tired. He was still looking at her like she held him in the palm of her hand, but the dark circles under his eyes couldn't lie - he was exhausted, she just knew.
Mitsuri lifted her hand and cradled his cheek, even though most of the contact was with his mask, she still felt some of his skin touching hers. Obanai inclined his head a little, as if he was trying to deepen the contact. His gaze never left hers, but she saw that his lids were just a second away from closing, the heaviness of them seemed impossible to resist.
"Let's get you to bed now, shall we?" Mitsuri asked with a voice close to whispering, her tone soft yet unrelenting. She would not keep this man from sleeping for another minute. His hand soon came up to cover hers on his cheek, he looked like he wanted to argue, but apparently decided against it. He simply nodded, his lids winning the battle for a short moment as he closed his eyes and sighed in resignation.
His hand dropped and hers soon followed. He quickly took ahold of it back and led her with quiet feet all the way to his bedroom. Mitsuri had never seen it before. Obanai had always kept the door leading to it halfway closed, and she would never have dared walking into his most private sanctuary without being invited in. Now, however, with her hand firmly secured in his, she knew that she had been given the rare permission to enter and see through this part of himself almost always kept hidden.
The bedroom was dark except for the faint glow of the moon coming from behind curtains framing the big window. In one corner, Mitsuri could glimpse a big terrarium, where Kaburamaru was probably sleeping like the dead, as he did most of the time - at least according to Obanai.
At the center of the room stood his bed. Mitsuri tried very hard not to look at it's unmade state too much. But she could only resist this much, and before long, she decided she'd get one tiny little peak at it. The sheets were dark, like most of the room, and looked soft to the touch, the pillows were strewn randomly, as if he had moved restlessly through his sleep… And now she was picturing herself in bed with him, and she couldn't escape the thought of them lying there, with no barrier left between their bodies, and she felt heat rise to her cheeks.
Thank god that the lights were off. She thought. Otherwise he surely would have easily caught on her train of thoughts.
Still without lighting up the room, he took her to a small wardrobe taking up another corner and pulled open the doors to reveal stacks of neatly folded clothes - from what she could see.
He turned to her, letting go of her hand as he did so and spoke quietly. "Do you maybe want to change into more comfortable clothes?" Mitsuri was sure he could now see the deep red of her cheeks. He pressed on rapidly. "You can take whatever you want from there and I'll leave the room to you."
She nodded and tried to force an easy smile on her face - even though what she was feeling in that moment was the farthest thing from easy she had ever felt.
"Yes, thank you so much!" It was all she could manage while trying to hold it together in front of him and not do something stupid like she had wanted to do ever since she had met him.
Without another word, he left her to it, brushing ever so closely on his way out of the room. Mitsuri heard a faint click coming from the door shutting and turned back to look at his wardrobe. She used the light from her phone to get a better look at what she was searching through and tried as quickly as possible to get what she wanted. She settled for a simple large black t-shirt and what appeared to be dark gym shorts, hoping she'd fit her not so slim body into the clothes.
She changed with rocket speed and realized that she in fact felt very comfortable in Obanai's clothes. Maybe it was his smell, so rich and dark that it captivated her every thought and overwhelmed her senses. Maybe it was the fact that she was wearing something that he had worn before, and it made the whole experience that much more incredible. Or maybe she was just a fool in love, and there was nothing holding her back and keeping her from living this moment to the fullest.
Mitsuri folded her clothes - including Obanai's hoodie - and laid them carefully on the top of a drawer close to the bed she outright refused to look at any longer. She steeled her spine and crossed to the door leading to the living area of Obanai's apartment, she opened it before her nerves could get the better of her.
She caught sight of Obanai leaving his bathroom, he was dressed with sweater pants and a casual t-shirt - much like the one Mitsuri was sporting, only looking that much more irresistible in it. He still had his mask on, it sometimes felt like it was an extension of his own body, much to Mitsuri's chagrin.
He caught sight of her and stopped dead in his tracks, the air around him immobile, just as it had been when they met outside and he had seen her wearing his hoodie.
"I hope this is ok" She said as she tried her best to diffuse the ever growing tension between them. Now was not the time to make a fool of herself - even more, that is.
She saw his throat bob once. Twice. Before he caught himself. "Yeah it's all good." He replied and was it just her or did he sound breathless all of a sudden?
"You take the bed," he finally asserted, "I'll take the couch tonight."
Sorry, what? Mitsuri was certainly not about to keep this man from his bed, where he would get the sleep he so obviously needed.
"Absolutely not!" she rushed, and she might have spoken a bit too loud - she cringed at the sound of her voice but refused to back down. "You need to rest and you won't be able to do that on a couch." Mitsuri tried her best to sound final, leaving no room for negotiation. "I'll take the couch." she concluded with aplomb.
"I can't do that," he immediately protested. "I can't let you take the couch, Mitsuri, it's not comfortable enough." He was shaking his head as he spoke, like the very idea of letting her sleep there was a disgrace.
And yeah, maybe it was, Misturi thought, so what are you gonna do about it, then? She asked herself.
"We can share the bed, right?" she offered without much thought - thankfully so. "If it's fine with you, I don't mind at all." She rushed to add, for good measure. "That way none of us sleep on the couch!"
He stared at her, clearly dumbfounded. Well, she had to admit that the situation was more than a little unusual, especially for them. Finding themselves face to face, in the middle of the night, her standing in his apartment, wearing his clothes, offering to share his bed - but not like that.
Before the silence could stretch too long and Mitsuri could regret ever uttering the words she had the courage to speak just a few seconds before, Obanai seemed to reach his own conclusion and stepped closer to her.
"Fine." The dark-haired man simply said. But the word wasn't curt, or tense, even though it carried the ever same tension sparkling between them.
He walked in his bedroom again and Mitsuri followed without a comment. He went straight to his bed, she did the same before she could chicken out of the room and ordered herself to just be braver.
They settled in at the same time, laid down atop of the covers, Mitsuri reaching for one of Obanai's discarded pillows before putting it under her head. She turned on her side, facing him. Inside of her head, the same words kept repeating themselves: be brave, be brave, you got this.
Obanai was on his side, facing her as well. In the dark, their eyes met again and Mitsuri looked for something in the depth of his gaze - something that would confirm that this was really alright with him. He scooted a little closer to her on the bed, eyes never straying from hers and she took that as a sign that yes, this is alright.
Obanai was still wearing his mask. And even though she had never seen him in a short-sleeved shirt before, it was the mask that struck her the most. Here in the quiet dark of his room, she wondered when he felt safe enough to take it off.
Soon, it was all she could think about. She hated that it wasn't when he was with her, that he'd be willing to sleep with a face mask on rather than get rid of it, no matter what she'd think if he discarded it. The thought haunted her, made her heartbeat climb up higher and higher, her thoughts spiraling out of control, she wanted him to trust her so badly it hurt. She wanted him all to herself. Yes, Mitsuri was a selfish bitch, something her ex had liked to say to her, a lot.
But no, she wouldn't think about him now, when she was laying in bed with another man. One who had demolished every protective wall she had tried to put around her. One who had never shown anything but kindness, respect, understanding, and all that went in between. She simply wouldn't think of the past that haunted her, only of the present, and what she wanted to do right now.
Mitsuri had been staring at Obanai for quite some time but without really seeing him. Her thoughts had made her focus inward rather than outward and she was suddenly jolted back to the moment when Obanai gently stroked her cheekbone with the back of his hand. She focused her gaze back to him, to this, to them.
"What's going on in that head of yours?" he asked with a deep voice, "You seem like you have something on your mind." He simply elaborated. His voice acted as an anchor, centering her in this moment in time, with him.
Mitsuri's mind had gone quiet, but the spiral of thoughts she had experienced earlier never strayed far as she gazed at his half-covered face.
"Will you trust me enough?" She started with a whisper of a voice and saw him listening intently. "Will you ever trust me with your truth?" She went on, and even as she saw him tense right in front of her, it was too late to back down. "With your mask off?"
There. It was out. What she had been dying to know but dreading to ask, because she couldn't predict his answer, even after all the time she had spent with him, this part of his life had never been hers to witness. But she was selfish - with Obanai. She was greedy even. She wanted it all, wanted him whole.
Obanai's breathing had sped up a bit but he still lay frozen beside her, after some time, Mitsuri started really regretting ever speaking the words. She blamed her newfound confidence, and her brain, and her thoughts that kept coming back to him, all the time.
She was just about to apologize and try her best to reassure him when she felt his hand slide across the distance left in-between them to gently grab hers.
In the room, the light of the moon wasn't enough for Mitsuri to see even the two different colors of Obanai's eyes, but she could see enough of his body to reach his hand halfway across the mattress.
"I don't know." Obanai started to say, and his voice was like gravel, much deeper than before, and almost strained. "I don't know if I'll ever let you see the real me, Mitsuri." He was tense as a bow as he spoke the words, and she wanted now more than ever to soothe the pain that was evident in his voice, in his body language, even in his eyes sometimes - it was for the best that she couldn't see them clearly this time.
Obanai let out a long sigh, it was heavy and it carried the weight of a burden he'd never shared with her before. Mitsuri kept her hand in his, hoping it would bring him some sort of comfort.
"But… Maybe I can show you in a different way." He concluded with a resolute tone after a short silence. And Mitsuri was so shocked that she didn't even respond, simply nodded, hoping he'd catch the movement in the dark.
Obanai then raised their entwined hands slightly in the air, and guided her fingers from his palm to his wrists. When her skin brushed against several lines - no, scars - that were etched on his wrist, she remembered the time she had caught sight of them. It had been so long ago, and even before that, she had known that Obanai was as scarred as her, maybe even more so.
Now she definitely knew, he carried wounds of the past directly on his skin. There for him to see every day of the week, and every sleepless night too.
She kept brushing her fingers over the many scars he bore with a gentle caress. She didn't mind the feel of them, it only hurt her deep inside every time she touched one that felt deeper, or one that had scarred more violently. It hurt her to imagine the pain, to imagine the feelings he felt in these moments. She never stopped her ministrations, and felt him lose some tension beside her.
"What you feel now," Obanai was whispering now, as if afraid he'd scare her away with his words. "It's nothing compared to my face, Mitsuri, nothing." The latter word was said with such urgency, Mitsuri felt his distress all the way to her bones, all the way to her very core.
"Will you…?" she started but found she simply couldn't ask that of him - she had asked too much already, had taken a lot, as well. She knew now, why it was that he wore this mask all the time, and this had to be enough for her. It had to.
But Obanai wasn't done, actually. He lifted his hand to his face, letting her fingers that were wrapped gently around his wrist follow the movement. In the dark, Mitsuri felt more than she saw him take off the mask. She was so shocked that her hand let go of his wrist, but she didn't dare move it in the direction of his face. Not wanting to scare him away, she stayed immobile.
Obanai found her hand hanging mid-air and slowly brought it to rest on his cheek. Mitsuri had never seen that part of him, and she had never felt so close to him than she did in that moment. Ever so slowly, she traced the jagged, rough and deep lines that were on each side of his mouth, she realized. The scars were deep, and the skin felt so soft in certain areas, and completely rugged in others.
Mitsuri's second hand joined the first when Obanai hummed his consent, allowing her to trace the contours of his face with the gentlest touch she could muster.
Before long, Mitsuri could feel moisture coming out of her eyes, she was crying. The tears were for this man she loved, who had been hurt so badly that he'd never recover this part of himself. She cried also for the shame that he felt, she could see it now, his deep embarrassment because he thought himself so ugly that it'd be better to conceal half of his face behind a mask each and every day. She cried because even if she couldn't see the scars, the feel of them against her skin was enough to guess at their depth.
Not that they could ever drive her away from him. He was the most beautiful man she had ever seen before, and he still carried that title now, and probably always would in her head.
His fingers softly brushed aside the few stray tears that escaped from the corners of Mitsuri's eyes, and she angled her head to press deeper against his hand, letting the feel of it anchor her once more.
"Does it hurt?" She asked in the smallest whisper, already fearing his answer.
"Not as much anymore." Obanai replied with a voice equally as quiet. Which basically meant that it did hurt still. Only slightly less than before.
Mitsuri felt a tidal wave of protectiveness for him overtake her. She wanted to keep this man hidden from the rest of the world so that no one could ever hurt him again. She wanted to feel him trust her completely, and be sure of it right down to her soul. She needed to let him see that she wasn't going to leave. That she'd never run away from this, from him. And that she would wait, however long it took, until he felt safe enough to give her the part of himself he kept hidden to the rest of the world.
Before she could overthink it, Mitsuri scooted even closer to him, their bodies now a breadth away from pressing together head to toes. She kept her hands on his face, caressing the skin she couldn't see. When he made no move to push her away, Misturi brought her head to his and rested her forehead against his.
Obanai let out a deep breath, so deep that it reverberated all over her body. "That's it." she whispered, close to his mouth. "Thank you for showing me, Obanai." She continued at the same time as her hands kept caressing his face.
He hummed soflty, and the strain was gone from his voice. The tension had seeped from his whole body, Mitsuri could feel it. He was close to falling asleep and she smiled to herself when she realized. She had this man all to herself, no mask, no reserve, and he was just about to plunge into slumber just from the touch of her hands on his body, and the feel of her practically pressed to him.
She pulled back from the press of her forehead against his and pressed featherlike kisses to his scars, not wishing to rouse him. She kept the touch fleeting, but couldn't help but breathe in the scent of his body, especially so close to hers. Just as intense, the feel of his skin was fire against her lips, and she wanted so much more.
But this wasn't the time. And Mitsuri had taken enough already. This moment was for him, to show him what it meant to love someone. It wasn't about the chemistry - which they inevitably had - not only anyway. Love was also acceptance, consideration, patience, care and companionship.
And even as Mitsuri reminded herself that she had never known any of it before, this kind of love felt innate for her. Like it was ingrained in her DNA, like she was created to love as deeply as she wanted to be loved. It was only natural that she would give Obanai everything she could in the name of the love that she already felt for him.
As the thoughts swirled through her head, Mitsuri kept up the small touches until she felt Obanai's breathing deepen, indicating he had truly fallen asleep.
Her heart was heavy. For the man sleeping beside her, but also for the younger version of him who had to go through life with so much pain and cruelty. She knew that as opposed to the scars on his wrists, which were self-inflicted, the scars he bore on his face had been meted out by someone else.
That, she realized, was more anger-inducing than anything else. She wanted to hunt down the bastards who had hurt him and destroy them with everything in her being. The enormous protectiveness, coupled with the possessiveness she felt for Obanai were hard to deal with. She felt ready to wage war against his demons, and she'd take on anyone who ever tried to harm him again in front of her.
It took a long time for Mitsuri's heartbeat to settle into a calmer rhythm while the heat of everything that had happened this night kept the blood in her veins running wild and fiery.
So many things she couldn't wrap her head around at that time, but some facts she felt certain were true. One, she was done holding back from Obanai. She wanted to fight for him, and fight for what they could have. Two, there was definitely something going on between the two of them, something he felt for her but maybe wouldn't risk losing as it stood. Three, he was still willing to let her in. He had shown her trust, with who he was, what he felt, what he had gone through.
Now, all that was left for her was to grab onto those facts and keep them running through her mind, without ever forgetting that they were irrevocably true.
It was on the heels of that thought that Mitsuri finally drifted off to sleep, with her body close to Obanai's and her hands still on his skin.
Author's notes :
I mean... What do ya' think of THAT chapter ? Lemme know... Plz
On a serious note, I know I usually try to add both POV's in each chapter but I couldn't stop writing from Mitsuri's POV for this one hehe.
Leave a comment if you like this and want to read more from these two.. I have BIG PLANS for the future.