Chapter 12 - Renegade
Two weeks later
Obanai Iguro had never been one to trust other people with parts of himself he'd rather keep private. But ever since meeting Mitsuri Kanroji, his life seemed to be taking a drastic turn in an unknown direction.
He'd always felt like his destiny was already traced for him, and he only had to follow the path and go with the flow of what he'd find on the way. Lately, however, he found himself wondering about grabbing the reins again and making things work according to his plan and his decisions.
The fact that the appearance of Mitsuri coincided with this newly found eagerness to become more than just a bystander to his own story wasn't lost on him in the least. Mitsuri had well and truly smashed to pieces the carefully constructed box he had built for himself during more than an entire decade. Obanai found that he didn't want to go back inside.
Day after day, he felt himself becoming another version of himself, someone who could stand tall in a crowded room, who could fight for the things he felt passionate about. But most of all he wanted to be the version of himself that could sweep the girl he loved off her feet and kiss her senseless in front of God and the rest of the world.
Obanai didn't know if he'd ever grow to be that fearless, but the thought kept him up at night, like a thousand other pieces of memories he'd made these past months and that were now part of the kaleidoscope that made him...well, him.
He was Obanai Iguro but with something more. Something made of buzzing electricity flowing from one body to another, something warm and fuzzy at times and burning red and all consuming at others. He was made of secret glances, furious protectiveness but also shared melancholy and bone-deep fears. But that was alright with him as well, because he knew that he didn't have to fight his weaknesses with every fiber of his being anymore. Now he understood that he truly wasn't alone.
He had friends that he had never thanked for not flanking him to the side long ago for being an asshole most of the time. He'd also never thanked them for keeping him close, and making sure that he didn't slip out of their reach, and for just being people that cared for him like no one had before.
It was downright scary, all the things he saw with clarity now, when the fog of self-loathing had lifted a little and he could watch back what had been happening all around him for years with renewed understanding.
It also wasn't so bad - like, at all. He could even grasp at the depth of his own feelings for the people around him without being suffocated by the usual anxiety and helplessness. What he felt for his friends - which was care, admiration, the desire to laugh out loud and be taken by the simplest things - it was all new to him. Not the feelings per se, he had always felt them - only now he realized that they brought him strength, happiness and comfort. Things that were essential to his well-being.
Obanai knew deep down that he had also been selfish for the longest time. He'd been so self-absorbed in his own hurt and loathing that he couldn't process the lives of the people around him. He couldn't remember any of them ever coming to him for advice or even comfort, things he should have given out of friendship but never had. People had tiptoed around his feelings for too long, never confronting him or calling him out on his bullshit because they knew he'd just walk away and never bother coming back.
He wanted this chapter of his life to be closed forever. He wanted to move forward and fight for the things he loved, the people he called friends and for Mitsuri. The simple fact of naming her in his head sent a wave of hurt and shame swirling around his whole body. Obanai just couldn't think of her right then. It was all too much.
He had to make some things right, he had to live up to this new version of himself he found he enjoyed. This demanded work, both on a mental and physical level, but he was ready to give it his best. Only when the wrongs he had caused had been righted would Obanai Iguro come back to Mitsuri Kanroji. When that happened, he'd know that he was worthy of everything she thought and felt and for him.
In order to get there, he had to have a long conversation with his friends - which he was just about to do.
He kept walking at a brisk pace as he neared Sanemi's house. He knew that some of them were already hanging out there, he'd been invited, as always, but whereas in the past he had refused more often than not, today was the day he decided to go.
The wind was biting and the sky was gray, December had finally begun and it promised colder and colder weather as days passed. Obanai couldn't help but think of Mitsuri and all the skirts she wore no matter the temperatures. He wondered if she was out today as well, hanging out with other people… people that weren't him.
It had been close to two weeks since they last saw each other. They still texted from time to time but Obanai hadn't invited her to his place for a movie night ever since the last time she'd been there. Not that he wanted to distance himself from her, quite the contrary actually. But he didn't want to put her and him as well in any position like the one they had been in at that time.
There was undeniably some heavy chemistry pushing them closer together. But as long as Obanai didn't feel ready to truly act on it, he couldn't make Mitsuri go through the same thing again. He didn't want to play hot and cold with her because he couldn't shake the dread that took hold of him when he pictured himself taking the mask off and facing her with a bare face.
He wanted to be brave so badly, wanted to not care what anybody thought either way, but that simply wasn't how he was built. He was built with more weak spots than most and even after all this time, he cared more about what people saw in him than what he saw in himself.
Obanai was standing in front of Sanemi's door before long. He didn't bother knocking before letting himself in. The air was decidedly warmer inside and he walked right to the living room where he knew the guys would be lounging around. Just as he expected, he found them all sitting on the couches and talking over each other as they played some multiplayer game on Sanemi's console.
Only Kyôjurô, Tengen and Giyuu were there, and Sanemi of course. Obanai saw his bleached head turn upon hearing footsteps and he looked somewhat surprised to see him, like he hadn't truly believed that he'd show up as he said he would.
This is the kind of friend I am. Obanai realized with regret. The kind that doesn't show up and that lets people down.
No more. He didn't need to keep himself at a distance any longer, nor did he want to.
"Yo, Iguro!" his friend exclaimed with a huge grin. Sanemi didn't bother hiding his body or his personality like Obanai did, he was no coward and he liked calling others out on their shit if he felt he needed to. That was what Obanai wanted to be. He had only recently realized that it wasn't so impossible.
"What's up?" Obanai offered as a greeting and the rest of the group immediately pressed pause on their game to greet him properly.
How was it that he'd never truly measured the impact that his friends made on his life?
They had always been here for him, had never let him down, had been patient, mindful and even stubborn in their refusal to give up on him. It had taken way too long for him to see the bigger picture. He was there to fix that, but mostly to acknowledge it, at the very least.
Kyô and Tengen shuffled along and freed a spot on the couch which he gratefully took. They started the game again and went back to their discussion, only making sure to include Obanai in the topic at hand. They asked questions and sought advice from him, as if he was in any position to give them anything valuable. But it felt nice. It was nice to have friends.
Someone handed him a controller and he played with them for a little while. The carefree and lighthearted moment he got to spend with these guys comforted him in his beliefs that he should never again feel like he was standing apart from them. He was part of this group, they truly wanted him here. Warmth spread all over his body as the feeling of belonging settled deep in his bones.
Obanai had rarely felt so light. He didn't want to bring the mood down by laying all his baggage on them, nevertheless, he felt it had to be done - to some degree at least.
Before he could find a way to breach the subject, Kyôjurô had turned slightly away from the other guys to give him a big smile and a pat on the shoulder before booming for all to hear "It's good to have you here with us, Obanai!"
A chorus of "That's right!" followed suit and then one "Took you long enough!" which came from Sanemi this time.
As warmth kept spreading through his veins, he knew that it was time for him to say something, so he did.
"I'm sorry for being an asshole to you guys most of the time." he started, because some apologies were long overdue. Everyone around him put the controllers down and immediately started listening intently.
"I'm sorry for not showing up, for never taking the time for you all like you have been taking time for me all these years."
He saw surprise color most of the faces of his friends, but also understanding, and patience - things he probably didn't deserve right now.
"I have only ever been a bad friend and a bad person in general. I've taken for granted your support and your friendship without ever acknowledging it."
He felt Kyô's hand rest on his shoulder and took it as the comfort it was due to be.
"I'm doing that right now because it has come to me recently that I have never been as alone as I thought. So thank you for that. And I want to do better, I want to be a better friend and a better person going forward."
Obanai exhaled long and hard and more weight seemed to lift off of his back as he did so. Somehow the chains he always carried felt lighter now than ever before.
"You didn't have to apologize for anything, Obanai." Kyôjurô assured him.
"Yes, I did. It took long enough," he glanced at Sanemi as he spoke and saw that his friend sported a huge ass grin on his face. "But I had to do this, better late than never."
"I'll take it!" Tengen boomed with a huge laugh rocking his massive body and they all laughed along. More weight lifted off Obanai's shoulders.
"It's Mitsuri, isn't it?" asked Giyuu, who had been quieter than the rest up until then.
"She'd never ask me to do any of this." Obanai answered truthfully. "This was my idea. But yes, it's because of Mitsuri."
"I understand." was all Giyuu said. And it was enough.
Once that was out of the way, the group kept lounging around Sanemi's living room - sometimes playing video games, other times just talking about something or other. The afternoon flew by and Obanai had rarely felt so lighthearted and carefree. He didn't even think too much about what his friends might think about him as Sanemi took some beers out of the fridge and Obanai decided he'd drink one alongside them.
It was strange.. Not caring so much about other people's opinions. Strange but not unwelcome. He even found himself enjoying the newborn freedom of his unshackled mind. It was the kind of freedom only he could experience.
It came from the chains that he carried each and every day being less heavy than before. The feeling was intoxicating, and only strengthened by the easygoing nature of the situation Obanai Iguro found himself in. How he couldn't even understand what good it would bring to spend time with his friends before was beyond him now.
There was so much good in this world, and so much of that good had been happening around him for a long time without him even processing any of it. But Obanai didn't want to be blinded by his past, his mistakes, his pain and anxiety.. No more. He wanted to live. To be proud, to hang out with the people he considered his friends and stop worrying about the bad things that could potentially happen to him.
In consequence, Obanai lowered his mask and drank beer with his friends and even chuckled at their antics, most especially at Tengen - the guy couldn't stop trying to play the big boy even in a fucking video game.
Later on, when the sun had turned low in the sky and the house was growing dark, Obanai thought about going home. He was just about to leave, in fact, when the door to the house flew open and three girls came inside, laughing at something one of them had just been saying.
He immediately sat back down on the couch and checked that his mask was well in place.
Obanai heard her laugh before even seeing her. It was a hearty laugh and it drifted into the room like a melody only his ears could catch.
Every one of them turned to the door to the living room and witnessed Shinobu, her elder sister Kanae and Mitsuri walking in. A chorus of greetings was exchanged between everyone around the room but Obanai couldn't hear much of it considering his ears were close to ringing with all the blood pumping at extra speed in his body.
He tried to detach his gaze from Mitsuri long enough to not act like a complete asshole to the other girls - he was trying to be a better person after all. He caught Shinobu's eyes as she seemed to be assessing him - looking for something, it appeared. He inclined his head as a greeting and she smiled back, even as her eyes never lost their close to menacing glint.
"Obanai." She started and he heard the strength with which she carried herself color her words. "It's good to see you around here," the words sounded truthful enough to his ears and he found himself feeling relief. "I hope you'll stay a little longer now that we're here as well." She finished.
Now that we're here sounding more like "now that she's here" and they both glanced at the pink haired woman standing not so far away, happily chatting with their friends.
"I'm not going anywhere." Was all Obanai replied, but he punctuated his words with a firm nod and a resolute tone.
"Even better!" Shinobu exclaimed and this time, the smile was really genuine. "I'll leave you to it, then." Without another word, she walked straight to Giyuu.
He observed them interact with more than a little curiosity. They stood closer to each other than to anyone around and he watched as she went all up in Giyuu's personal space and slightly pinched his cheek. Obanai couldn't hear any of the words they exchanged but saw the dark haired guy bat her hand away with a scowl firmly in place. The fact that he kept her hand in his for longer than he should after that clearly sent another message altogether.
Obanai finally looked away from them just in time to catch Shinobu's sister, Kanae, going straight to Sanemi and plant a kiss on his cheek before sitting herself comfortably on the floor next to him.
Well. That's news to me. He thought. Until he remembered that he had been very much absent at many recent gatherings and certainly hadn't gone out of his way to catch up on his friends' lives. But Obanai wouldn't be absent anymore. He'd catch up and he'd gossip and he'd probe for answers if he had to but he wouldn't stand on the sideline of his life any longer.
Which took his mind back on track to the main occurrence happening in his life right in that moment. Mitsuri Kanroji and her soft hair, mesmerizing eyes and wicked curves - and she was approaching him!
He tried to tether his mind to the present moment and give her his full attention. He wouldn't take refuge inside his own head this time and he'd face whatever challenge she might present.
"Hi!" she chirped and even if she had been the one to initiate the contact, he couldn't help but notice her apparent discomfort.
"Hi yourself," he replied as he angled his head to better watch her. "Did you cut your hair?" He couldn't help but marvel out loud upon seeing the shorter strands of pink hair framing her face.
Her eyes widened and a huge grin colored her soft features.
"I did!" She replied with aplomb, "I didn't think anyone would notice!" She went on and he somehow knew that it had made her a tiny bit happier and a lot more at ease as well.
"I noticed," he confirmed even though he didn't really need to, "you look beautiful." He concluded with a deeper voice.
Upon seeing the shocked look she now carried, Obanai realized he had never before actually said that out loud to her.
Asshole. He wanted to slap himself for that. How many times had he thought these exact words without ever letting her know? Too many times. He concluded. But not anymore.
"Thank you Obanai," she spoke and her voice was close to a whisper now, "I think I needed that." She added with surprise coloring her tone once more. She looked baffled still.
"I mean it. And I'll say it again just so you know I'm telling the absolute truth." he asserted and he let the feelings he had for her freely bleed into his voice. "You look stunning, Mitsuri, now and always."
A choked out chuckle left her body upon registering his words. Before long, it turned into a fit of giggles she couldn't seem to control. Not that he'd want her to, he was as enthralled by her laugh as he was by the rest of her. She hugged him, then. Without thought and without restraint, she embraced all of him. Obanai froze. He couldn't remember ever being hugged by someone before. Even Mitsuri. They had held hands, stood close to each other and even woken up with their limbs intertwined - but never hugged.
"Is this ok?" She asked close to his ear.
"Yes." He immediately answered once his brain had booted up and he remembered how to talk.
He felt his arm encircle her smaller frame and bring her even closer to his chest. He breathed her in through his mask, even though his sense of smell was impaired by the piece of fabric, he could still discern the every floral but sinful note in Mitsuri's maddening perfume.
Before she could step away from him - they were after all in a room filled with other people - Obanai whispered "I've missed you." quietly into her hair, not knowing if she'd even hear it. She inhaled deeply as well as her nose skimmed the skin of his neck and he could swear he had just felt the fleeting press of her lips to his skin.
Obanai felt like combusting right on the spot and his hand tightened on her back before finally letting her go. She took a swift step away from him and put some much needed distance between their bodies. Their eyes met and he was brought back to two weeks before when he'd caught the same fervor in her eyes that he could clearly see now.
He was burning for her and even though he had tried and tried and tried again to convince himself that she couldn't want him the way he wanted her… Once again, Mitsuri had that look in her eyes like she'd burn everything down around them if only he kissed her on the lips.
She smiled and just like that, the tension that sat heavier than ever between them evaporated. She turned back to the rest of the group and exclaimed "So what are you guys playing?" followed closely by "Oooh and can I get a beer too?"
Obanai didn't even try to hold back his laugh at her antics. She truly fit right in with the rest of the group. When Mitsuri heard him, she turned back to watch and he saw her eyes fly over his half-covered face. She laughed too and winked at him.
That's the dream.
Mitsuri Kanroji had been in the process of thoroughly enjoying herself for the past few hours. And she didn't feel like stopping anytime soon.
After spending the whole day with Shinobu, simply talking, listening to music, eating sweets and lounging around, she had finally been introduced to her friend's sister, Kanae, whom she had heard a lot about.
The two of them had bonded pretty quickly as well and now she was glad to say that she had two amazing girlfriends to hang out with. They had gossiped a lot and had shared some of the inside stories of their group of friends, and especially stories about certain men that were part of said group.
The three girls could certainly see the irony in each of them having it hard for one other member of the small clan. Kanae had been more than open about her feelings for Sanemi, which had come as a surprise to Mitsuri who definitely hadn't seen that coming. He was just so closed off and gruff at times - not that she minded it at all, she found him pretty refreshing, even - but she couldn't help but marvel at the account given by Kanae about him.
Kanae's description of Sanemi made Mitsuri's perception of what his character was all the more intriguing and mysterious. Yet, she believed every word the older girl spoke about him, they were infused with such a strong affection and compassion for the other guy that Mitsuri couldn't shake the knowledge deep in her bones that their love for each other rang true.
Shinobu was more tight-lipped about the status of her relationship with the ever-quiet Giyuu. She would give nothing away, but her reluctance to speak about it was admittance enough for her sister and Mitsuri. They didn't bother her for more answers, they didn't need to.
The two Kocho sisters however didn't give Mitsuri the opportunity to not speak about Obanai. They asked and they probed and they listened as Mitsuri told them of what had happened between them two weeks prior. She was hopeful but she also missed him like crazy considering they hadn't seen each other ever since and had only texted on a few occasions.
The girls went oooooh and aaaaah! upon hearing Mitsuri tell the story of their "nights" spent together but she kept private all the moments where Obanai had shown vulnerability. She didn't want the other girls to know of something that wasn't hers to explain so she remained purposefully vague about the reasons they hadn't kissed yet, even considering everything else they had already shared.
She supposed that the girls could understand rather easily the main reason behind that particular occurrence.
The three of them kept laughing and hanging out until they collectively decided that they definitely had to go to Sanemi's again and see if the guys were hanging out as well. Not that Mitsuri held much hope about meeting the man who haunted her thoughts there - she was simply glad to see the other girls excited.
They headed out into the cold December air and walked there together, keeping up the banter and the laughs all the way to Sanemi's house. They were all really familiar with it now - even Mitsuri, after having visited the place many times in the past few months.
Mitsuri was close to shaking with the cold when they got here. Her skirt was not covering up much and even her thick thigh-high socks couldn't keep her warm in such weather. She was wearing a pink turtleneck and a green coat but they didn't do much in order to keep her body from freezing. In theory, she knew she had to give up the skirts already, but she couldn't find it in her to enjoy wearing pants or even - God forbid it - jeans.
When they all entered the house, Mitsuri was more than relieved to feel warmth seeping back into her frozen limbs. The sisters were still talking about a hilarious story from their teen years and she found herself heartily laughing alongside them. It felt good to have friends, to do stuff, move around and crash into other people's places. It felt good to belong somewhere. It was something Mitsuri hadn't known for most of her life, and something she simply couldn't go without any longer.
The girls made a beeline for the living room and found the whole group was already hanging out there. Wait. The whole group?
Mitsuri searched the room with her eyes even as Kyôjurô and Tengen had gone straight to them and started talking animatedly, and she saw him. Obanai is here! She wanted to scream and laugh and cry at the same time because she had missed him so much and he was just here.
She kept up the conversation with the guys long enough to not seem like a rude asshole and saw Shinobu talk with Obanai from the corner of her eye. She wondered what the smaller girl was telling him as she saw them face off a little. He replied something that apparently made her excited and she promptly walked away from him.
Mitsuri just couldn't take it anymore and as Tengen and Kyôjurô kept talking among themselves more than with her, she went straight to the man she loved. She felt some awkwardness seep into her at each step taken in his direction but didn't turn back around.
It was true that Mitsuri had no idea how Obanai would act towards her today considering things had been left more than a little tense the last time they were in each other's presence. She couldn't help but fear that he would pull away from her out of fear and self-preservation. She knew deep down that she deserved more than that. She had been trying for so long to mold herself to other people's needs and wants but she wasn't so weak anymore. She wanted things, she needed things as well, and she knew that she deserved the kind of love that she was willing to give to the world.
Her interrogations remained the same. Would Obanai pull away from her and leave her behind? Or would he take what was given and welcome her home like she so obviously craved?
Her fear was becoming more and more palpable as she neared him but Mitsuri wasn't one to back down anymore, she marched on with pride and even launched the conversation herself with an awkward "Hi!"
But he replied. Obanai replied. And there was so much warmth in his voice as he spoke that she felt it sweep through her. His eyes set fire to her frozen body, his voice as magnetic as ever, pulling her in, driving her wild.
When he complimented her… Well. She wouldn't take responsibility for the things that she did after that. Like hugging him fiercely, her arms coming around his middle and not letting go. Or like breathing in his maddening scent so deeply that she would never get the smell out of her lungs. Or even brushing her lips against his skin as lightly and as innocently as ever when she finally let go of him.
Surely, all of that had been done by another version of Mitsuri Kanroji, right? The version of her that was unafraid, that craved things with a burning passion or that took matters into her own hands to get whatever it was she wanted.
Or maybe there was only one version of Mitsuri now, and she was as anxious sometimes as she was brave other times. And maybe that wasn't so bad. Maybe she could live with that. No. She wanted to live like that.
She smiled at Obanai and reveled in the look he was giving her right then. A look that was as dazed as it was heated. A look that promised retribution.
Come and get it. Mitsuri thought and she could almost swear that he would.
Author's note :
Hiyaaaa y'all ! I can't stop updating this story somehow, even though I have a thousand other things I should be doing OBVIOUSLY ! Lemme know what you think..
PS : If you know where the title of this week's chapter comes from, you know why I chose it...