While we all joined the Order of the Phoenix after Hogwarts, Severus was a Death Eater in Voldemort's service. So, he was now officially our enemy. And I wished so many times that it was different and that he would finally realize what the hell he was supporting.
I wondered what drove him to the dark side. Should I have stuck by his side to stop him? Could I have made it at all? I tried to shake off these thoughts, but they often kept me from sleeping.
While James, Lily and Sirius were very active against Lord Voldemort, Remus was constantly changing jobs and places. He was outside trying to convince the werewolves that Voldemort was not to be trusted and that he wasn't the solution to the problems with the Ministry. We wrote a lot of letters and exchanged the most important news. But we use a code so nobody understands our letters. Sometimes we used muggle tales for that. Because the purebloods had no idea about it.
And Dumbledore created a secret method of communication between Order members by inventing a way to make Patroni speak. We all used this kind of communication to keep in touch. Professor Dumbledore decided that I should follow my desire to become a healer. Because it was valuable to all of us to have someone in the Order who could help with the knowledge of curse injuries.
Through much learning in the company of my most gifted and clever friends, I had obtained excellent N.E.W.T degrees in Potions, Herbology, Transfiguration, Charms, and Defense Against the Dark Arts. And so, I began my training at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. The head of the clinic was also a friend of Dumbledore's and encouraged me to train in both of my desired departments: Spell Damage and Potion and Plant Poisoning, although most healers only learned one specialty. But Dumbledore emphasized my ambition so often that I wondered if he would have seen me in Slytherin rather than Gryffindor.
My friends, on the other hand, tried to thwart Voldemort's plans. They saved members of the Ministry from death and untied their Imperius Curse. Sometimes they patrolled in Muggle areas too if there was a tip. Or they shadowed high-ranking Death Eaters. However, Severus was not on that list- until now. Despite my work in the hospital, I tried to keep track of the active operations.
James, Sirius, Alice, Frank and Lily were particularly dedicated to fighting Voldemort. They sometimes seemed detached about the danger they were in. While they were all aware of it, they still had the carefreeness of their youth. Sirius never seemed to mature. He still considered himself invulnerable even though I often saved him from permanent damage. He took this healing for granted. I felt that this assignment meant more to all of them than their own lives as long they were together.
I felt separated from them because I wasn't active in fighting. I worked in the background- I healed their wounds.
Faced with constant danger, Lily and James quickly married one warm summer night after we graduated from Hogwarts. The crickets graced the dusk. The mild air swept gently over our skin. We were standing in the garden of James' parents' house. Lily and James' parents were also present. None of us knew that James' parents soon died from dragon pox's while Lily's parents died in a car accident caused by a Death Eater bridge blast.
The other Guests of the little party were mostly Order members. Everyone beamed with happiness on that day. Lily looked beautiful in a sheer white floor length dress with a long veil. Sirius became James' best man and I became Lily's bridesmaid. Even Sirius had dressed up for the occasion. The ceremony was short but impressive. James was so nervous that he gasped rather than said his yes. Lily, on the other hand, was calm herself. She seemed content with herself and the man she loved, who could hardly speak across from her with excitement. Who would have thought in our fifth year that these two would ever find each other? Sure, James had always been crazy about Lily, but that she would give in to his pleas for a date so soon...although, I remembered her sneaky looks at him, her flushed cheeks at the Slughorn Yule Ball. I grinned at the thought that everything was actually so obvious and I didn't want to see it. Would Severus find out about this marriage? Oh, I was sure his anger at this would know no bounds- his object of desire married to his worst enemy.
After saying yes, everyone flocked to Lily and James to congratulate them while Sirius and I signed the testimony. When Hagrid went to take a picture of us and the bridal couple, Lily's pearl necklace suddenly snapped, and I bent down to pick it up.
"Oh, too bad you're not in the photo!" Lily said sadly.
"It doesn't matter, there will be many more of us, Lily." I replied with a grin while I put the pearl necklace back on her. Lily nodded happily and looked at the crowd of guests, her eyes sparkled with luck.
"Oh Catherine, I'm so happy!" she whispered to me unnecessarily.
"Lily, I'm so happy for you from the bottom of my heart!" I replied, regarding my pretty good friend without envy. She deserved it.
"May I ask for a dance with the second most beautiful woman of the night?" Remus asked me suddenly from the side. I laughed at him. My good friend!
"Of course, Remus. But this time we must be careful. Some guests are no longer the youngest." I said with mock seriousness.
"I'm trying!" Laughing, Remus swung me across the dance floor.
That such love was even possible in these times of atrocities of war moved not only me to tears.
Can I ever be that happy? At least my work was very fulfilling and distracted me enough from my personal life. Especially from the thoughts of Severus. What was he doing? He never tried to apologize for what he said back then, but I knew I would forgive him. When I thought about him, my feelings for him were as strong as when I was in school. But I avoided thinking about him as much as possible.
"What's going on?" Remus asked me, noticing my gaze at the table at the newlyweds. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently.
"Oh, I'm just a little overworked. St. Mungo's is full, so many injured. It is..." I began, for it was an argument which, in these times, did not entail much conversation about one's thoughts and feelings. We were all victims in this crap.
"War, yes." Remus finished and looked at me thoughtfully. Did he know that something else was tormenting me? Something that shouldn't really matter at the moment. But I looked around at this event, which celebrated and praised love. Maybe my desire for love wasn't far-fetched after all, especially in these times. After all, what else was worth fighting for?
"How are you, Remus? What do the nights of the full moon do? Are you okay?" I asked him. I knew his suffering and it was certainly amplified right now.
"More bad than good. It is difficult for me to find long-term work. As soon as it becomes too obvious that I always drop out on a full moon, I have to move on." He looked down sadly, his face hardening. Yes, he felt crappy. It's good that he knew his best friends were by his side.
"I've offered you to stay with me so many times. You could-"I began and now I pressed his hands together encouragingly.
"No! I don't want alms or pity." Remus pulled away from me and his eyes fixed on me, feverishly proving he didn't need help. But I knew him better, he did not deceive me.
"It is not alms or pity, but a service of friendship." I told him firmly.
"I know you feel that way, but unfortunately I don't. I just can not. Do you understand?" he asked me more gently now.
"Yes, your pride still gets in your way. I hope you find something or someone to overcome it for."
Remus looked at me with a smirk.
"Maybe. Sometime. But not in these times."
I sighed. Suddenly James and Sirius threw themselves beside us.
"Don't be so gloomy, Moony! Not at my wedding!" James said, grabbing Remus' shoulders from behind.
"Or did she reject you? Then I could understand." Sirius said teasingly, I rolled my eyes in frustration. Not again. Just because Remus and I were single made us want to be hooked up all the time. As if that were enough of a reason to be together. But it shouldn't be loneliness that drove me into a partnership.
"Cut it guys." Lily yelled. Her cheeks were flushed from dancing. "Let's all toast to this evening!"
Together we raised our glasses and drank to love. It was a successful celebration, because everyone present felt the great love of the happy bridal couple.
One day I suddenly and unexpectedly bump into Severus on my way to St. Mungo's for the night duty. These were dangerous times, and I usually had little to do outside of my work or home. But that day I felt like going for a walk through a park in London. The last rays of the sun warmed my face in the twilight.
I walked slowly and deliberately. The first colourful autumn leaves rustled loudly under my feet. I caught the scent of them: woody and warm, with a hint of caramel. I stopped. There was another scent. It was very familiar and made my heart skip a beat. The wind blew leaves against my back. I turned in search of that familiar smell. I recognized him immediately. His slender, tall figure stood still. His black hair felt in his face.
"Severus..." I whispered. He looked at me, his eyes narrowed. His face was expressionless, but I saw surprise in his eyes.
"How are you?" The words slipped out of my lips before I thought about them.
He raised an eyebrow. My knees went weak. I felt like I was in school, too shy to reveal my feelings to him.
"Why do you ask?"
"Because I want to know. Are you…?" My gaze wandered to his left forearm, which was covered by his black robe. He didn't answer me. Then my eyes wandered the many buttons on his chest back to his now pale face. My heart was pounding in my chest, my throat tightening.
"You haven't changed." His voice was dismissive, but also surprised.
"No. Neither do you." I state sadly.
"You should be more careful! These are dangerous times for people like you." He looked me up and down before nodding a quick goodbye and disappearing behind the nearest tree.
I took a deep breath.
Instead of continuing to roam the park, I left immediately. It was too dangerous on the streets. You met Death Eaters everywhere. Even in the middle of a park in London.
But this encounter triggered more in me than I knew at that moment. It kept me sleepless for more nights, driven by the thought of him. Was he happy? Was it the life he wanted to lead? He looked pale and gaunt. He had dark circles under his eyes and looked concerned.
I closed my eyes, but his gaze wouldn't leave my inner eye. It was he, the man I so desperately wanted by my side. But he was as far away from me as ever. A whole ocean separated us. And he would never know how I felt about him. He probably didn't care and was lying in the arms of a pureblood. Without wasting a thought on me. But could he forget Lily so easily? His bright spot at Hogwarts.
Due to my duties, I often missed the secret meetings of the Order, so I got to know all the members late.
I joined an assembly after Alastor Moody took a picture of everyone who was there. But I was grateful for that because I felt that such evidence was too dangerous. I told him the same thing when Lily tapped me on the shoulder from behind.
"Look, Catherine! There's someone here who would like to meet you." Her bright voice said excitedly, her eyes sparkled at me. What did she have planned for me again? Beside her stood a tall young man with auburn hair.
"Hello, we know each other from Apparation class." Gideon Prewett said with a dazzling smile.
"Yes, right." I eyed him. He was still very handsome. A slight blush rose to my cheeks. "You were a good teacher."
"And you a good student. You were one of the fastest. I remember you well." He blushed slightly, so I couldn't help but grin. Mary and Lily were apparently right in their suspicion at the time in Hogwarts.
"I'll leave you alone then, I'm a bit dizzy right now. I guess I didn't sleep enough." Lily explained with a meaningful grin and sat down in the corner with James and Sirius. They were talking to Alice and Frank. Marlene and Dorcas sat in a corner holding hands and talking about their last shift for the Order. I grinned and was happy that they finally no longer lived their love hidden from us, at least among us.
Mary was talking to a tall, red-haired man. Gideon followed my gaze.
"This is my brother-in-law- Arthur Weasley. Like me, he works in the Ministry. Very handy.", he told me with a grin. "And you're about to finish your training as a healer?"
"Yes, in a few months."
"You must be very talented. I heard you were able to save Alastor's left ear."
"Yes, but unfortunately not everything about him. Some curses are too strong, or I couldn't treat them in time." We both glanced at the scars on Alastor Moody's face. Not knowing what other injuries will soon be added.
"And are you still an Apparition teacher?"
"No, my colleague is doing that again now. I'm actually an Auror and Alastor is my colleague." He ran his hand through his longer hair.
"Then how come you weren't with me to treat injuries?" I asked curiously. His eyes caught my gaze.
"Had I known who the healer was, I would have come for sure. But so far, my brother Fabian and I have been able to fall back on our own skills. Although you could have avoided this." He held out his left hand and I saw that a piece of his pinky was missing.
"What got you?" I looked at his injury.
"You should ask who. It was Dolohov. Unfortunately, he got away from me, that coward. But the next time I meet him, I'll have no mercy."
I swallowed at his words. They were filled with hate. It was something I knew from the others. But it gave me a thump in the chest. For I knew without this damn war there would be a Gideon as meek as a lamb.
"You know, it changes you. This work. This war." He said with a soft voice as if he had read my mind. I looked into his amber eyes, which fixed me. There was something about him that I really liked.
"Yes, it's frightening." I replied and my gaze slid over his figure. He was tall and lean, but you could tell he had some muscles.
We were silent for a moment. Gideon looked deep into my eyes. I was visibly irritated by his gaze. But he seemed to like that because he grinned broadly at me when he noticed my insecurity.
"Something important is missing in these times, isn't it?" he asked me in a soft voice.
"Something you give and take." I stated, thinking of a man with black hair and pale skin.
"Yes. And sometimes you find what you're looking right in front of you. Suddenly and unexpected." We looked at each other. I knew what he was getting at before he asked me. But I didn't know if I was ready for it. On the other hand, I had been out of Hogwarts for almost a year. It was time for me to say goodbye to everything I encountered there. Including Severus.
"May I ask you if you would like to go out with me?" he said and looked at me questioningly.
His question was direct and clear, so I didn't need any interpretations to get an idea of how he felt. I went deep inside me. Except for the feeling that my heart was still clinging to an unfulfilled childhood love, nothing seemed to speak against it. On the contrary, what was I actually waiting for? So, I nodded.
We planned to meet alone in 3 weeks due to our busy schedules, which often offered contradictory free time due to our duty times as Auror, Healer and Order members.
Two weeks later, Marlene died while visiting her parents. Her entire family was killed by three Death Eaters. We were all visibly shocked. She was the first friend I lost to Voldemort. The shock for Dorcas was indescribable. I provided her with Calming Draught, but I knew nothing could lessen her pain and the loss of her love. Lily, Mary and I took turns being with her, holding her. But I felt that this loss had broken her.
After my own tears dried, I realized something. Marlene's sudden death showed me how dangerous our life was and how little I lived out the good side. That had to change!
So, I met Gideon in the middle of a forest. He had brought a blanket and warm mead against the autumn chill.
"I heard you love nature. So, I thought, why not here then?", he explained, laughing.
"I guess who told you."
My thoughts led me to Lily. She just won't let it. But it also made me happy that my luck is so important to her. And her selection for me was an example of her good taste. Gideon was a very chosen and talented wizard with a certain sense of humour.
We watched the sunset on a hill, which shone in all colours that evening. Pink streaked a brilliant blue while a fire leaned toward the earth.
He told me about his deceased parents and his younger brother Fabian. They were purebloods, but they were considered blood traitors. He asked me about my life, my parents, and my childhood.
"You know, I remembered you all along."
"For real? All the time?" I asked in astonishment.
"Yes. you were different. Somehow you seem more mature, as you have already experienced a lot." he said, handing me a new mug of warm mead.
I pondered his words.
"No, I don't think it's anything special, Gideon." I looked uncertainly at the forest floor in front of me, where two ants were trying to bring a dead fly into their nest. Together they were stronger.
"But what you told me teaches me better. And it sounds strange, I know, but it fascinates me. You fascinate me." He grabbed my hand and I let him. I felt comfortable with him, and I sensed that his interest was sincere.
"But tell me something, Catherine!" He looked at me uncertainly.
"What?" I was curious about his question, but I could guess what nature it was, and I wasn't wrong.
"Is there another one? Lily wasn't sure when I asked her about it."
I thought about it quickly. How about sitting here with Severus, feeling his hand on my hand? Amber eyes twinkled at me and auburn hair fell into a light forehead rather than black. Gideon made me laugh and I enjoyed his very pleasant company. And if I was being honest - Severus and I would never be able to be as close as I would like to be.
"No, I don't have a boyfriend." I answered truthfully.
"Well, not yet." he said in low voice. He put his arm around my waist and gently pulled me towards him. Gideon was visibly relieved at my answer. I looked him. His muscles showed clearly under his sweater, although it wasn't tight. He slowly leaned towards me. Our faces were close and I felt his warm breath on my skin. It tingled and I felt a great excitement deep inside me.
His lips touched mine, gently at first, then more demanding. I felt butterflies. His hands ran over my long hair, and he played with individual strands while we kissed passionately. But I didn't feel that fire like just the idea of a kiss with Severus. Even though I wished for it so badly at that moment. Still, it was wonderful to lie in his strong arms while we were so close.
As his kisses became more and more intense and demanding, we suddenly heard a loud crash behind us.
We turned in shock to the cause, Gideon immediately had his wand in a hand.
"Wait here! Take your wand and-", he began almost inaudibly.
"No, I won't leave you alone. Your education is certainly better, but mine is also impressive." I whispered. He nodded. We walked slowly and quietly across the forest floor in the direction we thought the sound was coming from.
A large branch lay on the ground. But not a soul was visible. I waved my wand and thought "appare vestigium". This spell revealed to us that someone was behind this tree. Gideon drew in a sharp breath. The golden sparks also erupted from the branch.
"Who would be watching us and giving themselves away by blowing a branch off a tree?" I asked in a low voice.
Gideon moved close to me.
"I don't know, but we're not safe here. Take my arm, I'll Apparate to the Order."
We Apparated a few blocks down from the small, isolated house. It belonged to a friend of Albus Dumbledore's who gave it to us with no questions asked. It was not possible to Apparate directly in due to many protective spells, so we walked a few blocks. No, actually we ran. Gideon held my hand tightly in his, constantly surveying the area in all directions. With his other hand, he held his wand, ready to use it immediately.
James and Sirius were on duty, sitting in the corner reading the new Daily Prophet. They looked at us in amazement.
"What is it?" James asked, standing up in alarm as he looked into Gideon's face.
"Someone followed us." Gideon explained. "That's why we Apparated here. No one can bypass Dumbledore's wards that easily."
We quickly told about our uninvited guest in the middle of the forest.
"It's definitely not a coincidence!" James stated thoughtfully. "Have you ever felt like you were being followed?"
"Not since my last encounter with Dolohov. I've always been careful. But this time…" Gideon blushed slightly and glancing at me.
"I understand." Sirius grinned, eyeing my messy hair with a touch of satisfaction. I felt my face color as well.
"And you, Catherine? Have you had the feeling that someone is following you lately?" James asked.
I was thinking about it. The only encounter that struck me as odd was in a London park. But Severus wouldn't be spying on me, would he? Would he put me in danger? But in that moment, I realized that he was a follower of Voldemort.
"Yes, I had a feeling someone might be stalking me in the park a few weeks ago." I reply, still shocked at the thought of Severus hitting me as a victim.
James, Sirius and Gideon exchanged uneasy looks.
"You think I'm next? That after Marlene they are now following me?"
"That's strange, because you're not involved in active operations." James stated thoughtfully.
"And if they know that her healing arts are indispensable for us?" Gideon asked.
"But then one of us must have passed on her name." Sirius said.
"Then we have a spy among us?" I asked.
"Dumbledore has suspected that for a while." Gideon stated. "That gives us the proof. I'll report back to Dumbledore and ask how we should proceed. Catherine, please wait with James and Sirius. You're safe here for now." I saw a deep concern in his eyes before he disappeared.
Sirius and James looked at me before sitting down and I took an armchair next to them.
"Well, Lily will be happy about you and Gideon. She said right away that it would fit this time." James stated with a satisfied grin.
"Yes, someone finally cracked her shell." Sirius laughed.
"Oh, stop it!" I said, laughing. I knew they wanted to distract me, and I did them the favour.
"This is going to be a hard blow for Moony."
"Do you also attribute feelings at him where there aren't any?" I asked, playing annoyed.
"Well, he's probably like you there. Neither seems good enough."
"Not everyone can lose their heart as quickly as you, Sirius."
"She's right, Padfoot. Who is the current flame of the month?"
"Oh, no time for that, Prongs. It would have to be someone from the Order. That leaves only Emmeline, but she's not to my liking. And now that Gideon's got Catherine, I guess it's looking bad." Sirius explained with a grin.
"You forgot Mary."; I stated.
"Yeah, well I don't know either. She's pretty and nice, but somehow I just don't get it." Sirius mused.
Suddenly Gideon reappeared and we all jumped up.
"Albus says Catherine shouldn't go back to her apartment or work for now, just to be sure."
"No. I can't be absent from work. All those Death Eater curse injuries against Muggleborns- we're already understaffed."
"I understand. Then I will accompany you on your way to work in the future. And what do you think if we live together for the next time? Fabian would certainly support us. Then we have a chance."
I looked at him in astonishment. He was really willing to sacrifice his life for me. For me - even though he didn't even know me. And I looked into his eyes and saw that warmth and affection that I needed.
I nodded.
"Pff, that's how fast you get to a woman, Prongs."
"Did you see how it's done? Take an example!"
Gideon and I blushed slightly and grinned uncertainly at each other.
"Well, come on then!" He held out his arm encouragingly. I said goodbye to Sirius and James and clung to him. Immediately we turned around and ended up in a small front yard somewhere on a suburb of a city in Devon.