WARNING: this chapter includes character deaths, grief and torture.

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in the war
For a leading role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here
- Wish you were here by Pink Floyd

In April Gideon and I went on holiday to Cornwall for a few days. We lived in a little cottage by the sea that belonged to an old aunt of his family. But she preferred to use her apartment in the city.
In the little house was always the sound of the waves crashing against the cliffs. I loved it at first sight. It was brightly furnished, looks friendly and it suited Gideon.
On the ground floor was the kitchen and the living and dining room. A spiral staircase led to the upper floor with three other rooms.
"My aunt affectionately calls it Shell Cottage," he said as I walked through the rooms smiling.
"Yes, that's very fitting." I statted happily and looked around.
"Do you like it?" His voice was soft, but I could tell there was a certain nervousness to it.
"Yes, very much, Gideon. Why do you ask?" I looked at him sideways, confused. He grinned mischievously. His amber eyes sparkled. I liked it when he hatched a secret plan just to surprise me.
"My aunt asked Molly, Fabian and me if either of us would like it."
I looked at him with wide eyes. Did he really want to ask what I suspected? He stood in front of me and took my hands in his. The warmth of his skin spread throughout my body.
"Can you imagine living with me?" His voice sounded unusually broken, as if his throat was tight with nervousness. This question brought me great joy.
"But we already live together." I replied and giggled. I had to tease him a little because it was something he enjoyed. A little hunting suits him visibly. Gideon laughed his indescribably gorgeous smile. But he cleared his throat afterwards.
"I mean here. With me. Forever." he made clear in a serious voice. He looked at me questioningly. I could tell he was nervous, although he rarely was.
"Sure, Gideon." I grinned broadly as he hugged me. He kissed me deeply and I melted in his arms. His hug was something I always enjoyed. She brought me security and confidence that we will get through everything together.
But I felt that there was still a shadow lying on my heart, no matter how much I wanted to suppress it. And before any real doubts about our relationship grew, Gideon and Fabian were killed by five Death Eaters on a cold night in the end of May. I was at St. Mungo's on my night shift when they attacked Gideon and Fabian.
Alastor Moody stood in front of me in the early morning when I was off duty and waiting for Gideon who, as always, wanted to pick me up. When I saw Alastor, I knew something terrible must have happened because Gideon was completely absent- unlike him. Alastor approached me with a straight face and before he could open his mouth my legs buckled and Moody caught me when I collapsed into his arms. I cry into Moodys chest as he awkwardly pats my back.
"He died heroically.", Alastor Moody assured me to console me. Can a death be heroic?
But I hardly heard his words. Everything revolves around me. He was taken from me. Gideon.
"I know, I know. He was a good man. Extraordinarily gifted..." he said between my loud sobs.
"Why? Why Gideon?" I asked angrily, "Why the fuck him?" Suddenly my sadness turned to anger and I pounded Moody's chest. He grabbed my wrists and looked at me seriously so I couldn't escape the uncomfortable truth.
"Because he was a brave, courageous wizard who sacrificed his life fighting Voldemort. He knew the danger in his position. In these times. Woman, he didn't leave you and this world voluntarily. He mauled his attackers badly. I almost didn't recognize Dolohov when I arrested him."
"Antonin Dolohov." I bitterly repeated that name. I felt something seething inside me that I wasn't used to - hatred. It was pure hate.
"Yes, the killing curses came from him. But he is in Azkaban now and he'll never get out of there. The Ministry promptly issued a new decree and authorizing Aurors to use the Unforgivable Curses against Death Eaters now." Alastor said.
But for Gideon, that decision of the Ministry came too late. I wonder if Gideon would have used any of these Curses even if they were allowed. He was proud of his principles and for that I loved him.
I nodded and tried to catch myself. With so many tears in my eyes, I could hardly see anything.
"Here, Molly said it should be yours," Alastor said suddenly and handing me a golden watch. It had stars circling around its face instead of hands. I recognized it immediately, a present from his parents for his 17th birthday, as was customary in wizarding families and Gideon always carried it with him. I nodded and took it, my fingers trembling. When I saw the glass was broken like Gideon himself tears ran uncontrollably from my eyes again. I collapsed again in Alastor's arms, so he used it to Disapparate with me.
He took me to my own empty apartment because Gideon's little house was completely trashed. I knew immediately that I could never enter this house again, despite the wonderful memories he had met his death there.
At my apartment, Lily was waiting to hold me. She stayed by my side for the next few nights and days. Until she was sure I could do it. That I also survived this bitter loss. But Gideon's death plunged me into deep sadness. I missed him and his hearty laugh. His touches, his jokes, which cheered me up even after a hard day's work. His love and the feeling he triggered in me. Now I was an empty shell, bereft of something I had never received before - unconditional love.

I lay in my bed for days, unable to move. Luckily, I was able to help myself from my storage of Calming Draught. But I was broken. Like Dorcas. Like Fabian. Like so many others who have had their love ripped from them in this fuck war. From that day on, a darkness should always accompany me, which should keep me captive for a long time, but still spread until it took all of my cells.

His funeral took place a few days later. The graveyard was an old wizarding graveyard in Tinworth in Cornwall. He wanted to live with me in this place. I saw Shell Cottage some distance away and it broke my heart to be here without him.
"He was so happy with you, you know?" said Molly, hugging me tightly when she saw me. "We found this in the house the day before yesterday. It was on his bedside table." She handed me a small red leather box.
I opened it carefully, but my hands were shaking. A beautiful ring with a gemstone sparkled at me. A damn ring he would never put on my finger.
I gritted my teeth, but it didn't help. Huge tears ran down my cheeks.
"He loved you, Catherine. That's a consolation for me. He died when he was at his happiest, with a future together with you in mind. But..." She sighed.
When she saw my tears, she hugged me tightly again.
A future with me that bloody never would be real. Thanks to Voldemort and his Death Eaters.
I pulled away from her and wiped away my tears with an old cotton handkerchief that I carelessly stuffed back into my pocket.
"It's ok, Molly," I lied. She looked at me piercingly. Her brown eyes were also full of tears.
"No, it is not. And it never will be again. Please excuse my thoughtless words. It must be worse for you than for me. The man you wanted to have children with-killed. The man, who you also loved."
"Yes," I gasped, sinking back into her arms. "But I don't know if I've told him often enough." I sobbed.
"He knew it. I'm sure of it," Remus suddenly said from beside me, gently placing a hand on my trembling shoulder. Remus and Molly exchanged meaningful looks before Molly walked over to her twins, who were in the process of throwing sand in the stroller of their two-month-old brother Ron.
"I can still see him taking me to work that day. We kissed goodbye. Before I went to the hospital, I checked him out again. He smiled at me and stood out so clearly from the crowd around him. I grinned back and waved at him. Then I disappeared behind the walls. And he went straight to his death. And I didn't know, I didn't feel anything or see it coming. So, I couldn't stop him." I clung to Remus' robes. He held me, hugged me. His hands caressed my trembling back soothingly.

"Catherine, I'm so sorry! What those monsters did... it's cruel. He was an absolutely amazing person." Remus spoke slowly and in a soft voice. I nodded.
"Antonin Dolohov. He'll pay for it!" I said bitterly.
Remus dropped his hands and took a step back from me. A frown formed his forehead.
"Are you saying..." He staggered backwards and had turned considerably pale. "...that you want to... kill him?"
"Yes," I stated without batting an eyelid. This war changes all of us, doesn't it?
Remus grabbed my hand.
"Gideon wouldn't want that. He would want you to be safe." said Remus in a serious voice.
"I know. He always wanted that. But it was he who was in danger not me. Probably from the beginning." The tears ran uncontrollably from my eyes again. Remus looked at me uncertainly, he couldn't find words for my pain and how could he? Remus hugged me tightly again.
Lily, James and Sirius also came to the funeral and tried to comfort me. I felt the warmth of their friendship, but they couldn't fill the emptiness in me.
They laid Gideons dead body in the cold earth next to his brother, along with his rowan wand. Though this time his wand didn't cast the powerful wards the wood was known for to save its pure-hearted master from least he wasn't alone there.

The nights after the funeral were the worst when I was alone in my apartment. Then I was followed by nightmares and I had to watch him die over and over again. I watched him crash and his amber eyes lost all their sparkle forever. Or his body was twisted at the most horrible angles with a pained face. I woke up in a sweat and tears streaming down my swollen face.
"Why?" I whispered. "Why you, Gideon?"
I thought about how much I missed him, how much I longed for Gideon to touch and hold me. Sometimes I would just say how much I loved him to the empty room and look at my bedside table, which had a small red box on it. That damn ring. Then I took a dreamless sleep potion.
But my grief was long-lasting because Gideon's sudden death was the beginning of a horrifying series of murders of members of the Order.
Dorcas died just four weeks after Gideon. She was personally killed by Lord Voldemort. Not so Mary, who was unexpectedly waylaid by a Death Eater on her way home from work.
Our group of resistance fighter get smaller and smaller. It was only a matter of time before we all fell victim to Voldemort as his power continued to grow.
So, my grief and fear only threw me deeper into my work and the distractions that came with it. Lily tried to comfort me, but sometimes her own happiness was too much for me.
Her baby bump grew with each of our meetings and I knew that this innocent little creature needed everything from her - time, love and safety. I implored her to step down for the Order, because our enemies had already tried to kill her and James three times. Luckily, they always managed to fight back. But who could say how long their luck would last?

Shortly after their son Harry was born a few days after my own birthday, they made Sirius and me his godparents. I was very happy about her choice because she meant everything to me too. So, her boy would mean everything to me.
I felt the connection to him when he was on my arm. Lily's bright green eyes, James' black messy hair. I was instantly in love with this sweet little boy. My best friend's baby. I gently stroked his rosy cheeks as he looked at me without making a peep.
"Lily, he really is extraordinary." I whispered in a filled voice.

"Yes, he is. Harry is only three weeks old, but I feel like there is no life without him. He means everything to me." Her eyes beamed at the small bundle in my arm.
"I understand that. Please take good care of yourselves! Dumbledore told us today is the last time we see you before you must go into hiding," I said quietly to Lily during the christening when I gave him back to her. I tried to sound carefree, but I could tell myself that I couldn't.
"Yes, there was a strange prophecy. But I don't want to tell anything about it now and enjoy the evening. We'll use the Fidelius Charm. We considered choosing you as secret keeper. But I didn't want to put you in more danger. You are my best friend and… the Order needs you elsewhere."
It is true, the members of the Order who were frequently attacked needed my healing powers lest they lay in St. Mungo's and possibly be exposed to the enemies there.
I no longer trusted any colleague across the way. Voldemort placed entire detachments under the Imperius Curse. I often feared for my life. But I vowed to fight him for all future witches and wizards from Muggle families who see Hogwarts and their magic as the only way out, as I once did. And of course for losses I had to endure because of Voldemort.
"I understand, Lily. Are you absolutely sure about your choice?" I asked.
Lily nodded and glanced at Sirius. Yes, he was perfect. He would never betray the man and his family he loves the most and who meant his whole life to him. Like me, he would rather die than commit treason. So, I thought.

During the next time, we only communicated through our patrons. No one was allowed to know where they were. Although I would have liked to know why they were in hiding, I knew that information was deadly. So, I watched from afar as Harry grew from baby to one year old. During this time, I worked most of the time in the hospital. It distracted me from my private life. The long working hours created a leaden tiredness, which at least let me fall asleep. After waking up, I immediately went back to work. Just don't think or feel.
For Harrys first birthday Sirius gave the little one a broom so that he could discover his talent on it just like his father. I gave him a book from Beedle the Bard to teach him what is right and wrong in the magic world.
But three months later, Lily and James died at their home in Godric's Hollow on Halloween night.
When I found out about it, my whole body was shaking, I collapsed and even the calming draught couldn't console my shock. My best friend... dead, gone. Just another memory that will fade and change over the years. While others celebrated the fall of Voldemort, I lay crying on the floor of my apartment. I thought about following Lily and Gideon. But I knew they would cry out at the thought of me giving my life pointlessly to lie beside them in the cold earth. Voluntarily, while they were giving everything they could to live and protect those they loved.
I heard from the Order that their son should live with Lily´s sister. Petunia? The muggle who rejected all magic? That could only have come from Dumbledore's mind. I knew Lily would have wanted Harry to grow up with me when his godfather was responsible for his parents' deaths.
"Lily wouldn't have wanted it. Petunia and her husband cannot raise him. They're muggles who hate all magical," I said to Dumbledore, sobbing as I met him in his office in Hogwarts. I had asked him for this meeting about Harrys future and he had unlocked his fireplace especially for me so that I could visit him with Floo Powder. The sun threw its rays brightly through the office with the many whirring devices, the former headmasters, who kept one eye half open while dozing.

"Catherine, please calm down! I didn't choose this home for the boy for nothing. Trust me, it's important for his healthy development! Besides, how are you going to take care of him in your condition? Single, working shifts all day and night and- forgive me, in this broken state?" he said as my gaze hovered frantically over the scenario around me. The Headmaster of Hogwarts gave me a piercing look through his half-moon glasses. I had to look horrible if he chose this Muggle family over me.
"Promise me he'll be fine! That he lacks for nothing!" I said loudly and was startled by my excited voice, but Dumbledore smiled slightly at my demand as if he had been waiting for it.
"I will hold my hand protectively over him. And I think it's just an advantage if he grows up there. He must live far from all the fame he would otherwise face. You know what fame can do to a man, don't you?" he said calmly and put his hands on top of each other. A calming gesture that radiated strength and had an impact on me. I took a deep breath and felt myself slowly calming down and I thought of James as I first met him. A spoiled only child full of fluff in the head. How was his son to fare? Famous overnight without knowing what for and then through a horrifying experience, triggered by a monster that knew no one like it.

I reluctantly agreed to his plan for Harry Potter to grow up without me or any information about his origins. The boy who lived while my best friend died. Betrayed by Sirius Black. Adding to my nightmares of Gideon was Lily begging Sirius not to let her down, on her knees begging for her son's life.
I fell into Remus' arms as he Apparated to me after my meeting with Albus Dumbledore. He was very pale and thin, his cloak patched. His red eyes said what was unspeakable in words. This great sadness in him. He too was broken, for he had lost his great love of friendship. All at once in one fell swoop. He hugged me and together we mourned the loss of our best friends. Lily and James. Gone forever.
"I just can't believe it. Sirius betrayed them. It's unimaginable," he said through sobs. His voice was broken like his heart. He, too, felt betrayed by Sirius.

"But he was it. Lily hinted to me that he's going to be their Secret Keeper." I whispered hoarsely from crying.

"I feared that one of us was a spy for Voldemort. I even suspected you." Remus yelped.
"For real? But I can't blame you. I didn't know their situation was so serious. Lily said something about a prophecy, but not what it was exactly. Do you know something?" I asked. For me it was a piece of the puzzle that needed to be solved.
"No. I don't know any more than you do. James was very careful." Remus explained softly. Did James also think Remus was a spy? Has James ever considered betrayal by one of his friends?

"They weren't careful enough and they lost everything." I stated in a bitter voice, my hands clenched into fists and I dug my fingernails painfully into my own skin.

"Not everything, Harry is alive." Remus said quietly, looking into my wide eyes.

"Yes, but they left, Remus. I know they mean as much to you as they do to me." I led. How could he see the child as a survivor of our friends? Yes, it was part of them, but not them.
He nodded. "Sirius is in Azkaban, Peter dead. But you're still here, Catherine. I still have you."
I look at him sadly.
"Gideon, Mary, Marlene and Dorcas. They are all…"
"Yes." Remus breathed, his green eyes were filled with tears. We hugged tightly. "We are the only ones."
"Remus, please don't leave me." I sobbed into his chest, which was also shaking with pain.
"I'm always your friend! I promise you." came panting from his lips.

We held tight, tears of pain and sorrow ran down our cheeks. Two friends who had their family, their whole world, taken away.
After we regained some composure, I handed Remus a mug of a calming draught. He drank the blue liquid in one gulp without asking. I sat down next to him, exhausted.
"The only thing that has helped me over the past few days." I explained to him tiredly, he nodded.
"I hardly slept." His head fell heavily on my shoulder. I could feel the warmth of his body. He smelled of moss and thyme as I knew it from him. It gave me a pleasant feeling to be with him and it seemed to be the same for him. Together we lock ourselves on my couch, our presence gave us the security we needed.

We spent two weeks together to keep each other alive. But the full moon was bare, and Remus didn't want to endanger me. I held his hand and didn't want to let him go. He kissed me affectionately on the cheek goodbye. The last friend of my bests I had left. He promised to visit me again as soon as possible.

When I returned to St. Mungo's few days later, I was just a shadow of myself. But exactly on this day I had to function, because two familiar faces were driven past me shaking all over.
"No!" I yelled and ran after the hospital stretchers.
"Quick, they have to go to the fourth floor!" Broadmoor, a doctor in the Magical Curse Injuries wing, called out to me.
"What happened?" I asked in horror.
"Cruciatus. There were three Death Eaters. It looks bad!"
"Why? Voldemort is gone. Why did someone do that?" My voice sounded hysterical. He just shrugged.
I looked at her as the elevator took us upstairs. She trembled. Alice's kind, round face was pained and almost unrecognizable.
I took a deep breath and, along with Broadmoor, did my best.

But unfortunately, it wasn't enough.

And with that, the ring of grief and loss closed tight around me.