Chapter 6
In spite of waaaaayyyy too much googling and thinking the worst, the pre appointments a few days before the surgery confirmed there was only cancer in one breast.
"-so we'll just cut the least amount out to make sure it's all gone but we don't take chances so if we think we need to make the margin bigger, we will," the Doctor was explaining.
"I'm hearing that you will take as much as you need to get rid of everything," Sara confirmed, attending the visit again with Grace so there were two pairs of ears hearing everything.
"That is correct"
"And you won't have to take my nipple," Grace asked, anxious to understand what was going to be happening to her body.
"We won't need to. The latest scan shows it's in the very bottom. You will have a scar and it won't go completely but it will fade and I'm good. So it will be as tidy as possible."
"Right, and then chemo?"
"Thats right, then we will begin chemotherapy. That gives you the best chance of eradicating everything, hopefully for good. It was picked up at an early stage so you have the best chance possible, especially being young and healthy. Have you been avoiding alcohol like we suggested?
"Ah, I've only had a few drinks a few days back," Grace replied, remembering the night at Namjoon's. Her face was blushing and she hoped it was from the embarrassment of getting caught not sticking exactly to the things the doctor had suggested and not the real reason. Her remembered conversation with Joonie.
"Well, just as long as you have no more before the surgery and of course, nothing to eat or drink on the day," the doctor said sternly and she nodded along, contrite. It wasn't that she didn't want to prepare her body the best way possible to fight what was coming. It was simply that she had needed to drown her sorrows one more time and Joonie was an excellent drinking buddy. Yeah, buddy, that was it. He was her buddy. "The good news is the last scan also showed that there was no cancer in the lymph nodes and that's always a good sign."
"Finally, some good news," Sara said, reaching to squeeze Grace's hand, knowing she was still finding it all overwhelming and confronting.
"Yeah, that's good," Grace answered, away in her thoughts as they wrapped up the appointment.
"Well then, we'll see you at the hospital in two days time at 8am sharp."
"Sure, I'll be there of course," she answered, standing up. "Thank you doctor-nim."
"You've got this Grace," Sara was saying as they walked back to the car but Grace wasn't sure, even though she appreciated Sara trying to cheer her up. "I'm dropping you back at work?"
"Yeah, I have a few things to wrap up so I'll need to stay later tonight to make sure everything is in place for my time off." She'd mentioned to her boss about her surgery so she could get time off although she hadn't gone into detail and she also hadn't told her colleagues. She didn't want any extra, unnecessary questions.
"But we'll come to your house tomorrow night? Jin and Elsbeth are going to be there too. I mean, I know you can't drink but I think everyone wanted to give you some support before you go under the knife. We won't stay late."
"I'll see you there," Grace answered as they got into the car.
"You look a little pale Gracie, feeling OK," Jungkook asked, leaning on her desk again.
She knew she'd been staring blankly at the screen for a few minutes but had no real idea of how long it had been. Kook had appeared next to her like a stealth ninja which was in complete contradiction to his size, muscles rippling under his shirt as he leaned back on his arms, naturally flexing them in the process. He seemed to clock her checking him out and smirked a little. "Earth to Grace," he said, snapping her back to the here and now.
"I heard you Jungkook and I'm fine," she said, knowing she likely had dark circles under her eyes.
"I don't believe you. And where were you this morning? I came by your desk and you weren't here."
"I came into work late today," Grace answered and he snickered.
"Well, clearly since you weren't here earlier. Sleep in? Or another sleepover at your non-boyfriends house," he teased.
"I had a doctors appointment if you must know," and she watched as he sat up straighter, slight frown on his face as he grew serious.
"So I was right, you're not feeling well?"
"I'll be fine soon Kook," she said, rubbing her forehead, not wanting to talk about it with him. He was definite eye candy but they didn't know each other well enough to talk about her breasts or what was about to happen to them.
He seemed to get the message, not asking anymore questions about her health although he was somewhat less flirty when he asked about work, toning it down a little. "I did actually come for the file you were working on, the one we talked about earlier in the week. We probably need to go over it on Friday so it's all sorted before the weekend."
"Oh, I forgot to run you through that one," Grace replied, hitting herself in the head. "I'm not going to be around Friday or for finalising this contract so you'll need to be the new point person on this one if that's OK ?"
"Are you going away," he asked, reaching for the file.
"Something like that."
"For how long?"
"I'll be out a few days from Thursday and then I'll play it by ear depending on how everything goes." That was all she was willing to say as she had no idea how the recovery and the chemo was going to effect her. She looked up at him as he tucked the file to his chest, crossing his arms in front of himself. His frown was prominent as he looked at her, his leg bouncing against the desk, something she noticed he did when he was nervous or anxious.
"Everythings not OK then?"
"I'm sure I'll be fine Kook, don't worry."
"I will though, especially because you're not telling me anything." He leaned in and reached for her hand, her heart rate escalating at his touch. He was freaking sexy and they didn't often have a reason to touch. "I know I'm annoying to you," and she rolled her eyes with a nod, he was definitely annoying but she secretly didn't mind, "but I really care about you. So just know I'm here for you if you need anything," and he squeezed her hand, making sure his eyes were holding hers, sincere in their gaze. She felt touched at his words, a little weak to be in this position and awkward that people might be looking their way.
"If there's something really important, I'll tell you," she said softly and he seemed slightly happier with that answer, giving her hand a squeeze one more time before dropping it. She moved it quickly to her knee, wondering if it was sweaty. How embarrassing would that be. He seemed to understand her movement and gave her another smirk.
"You have soft hands Gracie," he said, sliding a little closer on the desk.
"Stop with the flirting and stop calling me that. No-one calls me that."
"Awww," he pouted, "can't we have something that is just for us? And I enjoy flirting with you," he replied, switching his pout to a grin.
"That's because I'm safe. You know I'm not going to fall for it like all the other women in the office." Even if Grace knew that wasn't true, she could easily fall for him but he didn't need to know that.
"Maybe it's because you're a challenge." And then he leaned into her space again. "Or because I think you're hot."
Grace raised an eyebrow and saw an answering flicker as she leaned in even more so that their faces were really close, only inches apart. She watched as his eyes focused on how her lips were right in front of his before flitting back to her eyes, steady as she spoke. "Go back to work Kook," and she pulled back to spin round and face her work station, listening as he moved away with a small chuckle
"OK Gracie," and she smiled properly, for the first time that day.
"To Grace's breasts," Sara said, clearly having drunk quite a lot and raising a toast before the surgery the next day. The five of them were gathered in Grace's lounge, choosing to hang there so she could kick them out when she needed to go to bed. Looking at her phone to see how late it was and knowing she wouldn't likely sleep well before her early start, she knew that would have to be soon, stifling a yawn.
"To Grace's breasts," Elsbeth and Jin joined in although Jin stole a glance at Namjoon as he echoed the toast, watching his expression. Joon raised his glass but didn't say the words before taking a quick sip, hiding his eyes from the room. Jin took note but decided not to say anything, now at least.
"Well, that's not a weird toast at all but thank you I guess," Grace said standing up and taking empty bottles and glasses through to the kitchen. She was completely sober so had watched her friends for the last few hours as they laughed and joked, her stomach twisting a little at the ease they were enjoying themselves. She didn't begrudge it but she hadn't been able to laugh quite so openly. The stress of tomorrow was weighing down on all her emotions and she knew she'd be in bed soon, probably staring at the ceiling, trying not to think.
"I'll help you kick them out soon," Namjoon said, coming into the kitchen with a few more dirty dishes, almost breaking one as he put them in the sink to rinse. "Sorry, it slipped," he said sheepishly.
"Don't even worry about it and yes please, you might have to drive them home too or call them an Uber."
"Onto it," he said as he left the kitchen to check in with what they wanted. He had only had one drink that night, not really in the mood to drink. He had seen Jin watching him, knew what it was about and was choosing to ignore it as he walked up to the other three.
"OK guys, who am I dropping home?"
"I'm staying here," Sara said, standing up and stretching. "I'll sleep on the couch and take Grace in tomorrow," and she headed off to the bathroom.
"And you guys," he asked, turning to where Jin and Elsbeth were gazing into each others eyes with soppy looks. It looked like they were ready to jump each other then and there so he cleared his throat to get their attention. "Do you want me to drop you home?"
"Nah, I'll call an Uber for us. I'm sure you have things you want to stay and do here." He raised his eyebrows and then roared with laughter. Namjoon frowned at his friend, aware he was loud in general and much worse when he was drunk.
"OK Jin, although I'll be heading home at the same time anyway. Grace needs an early night so I'm not going to keep her up late talking."
"Pfffft, talking," Jin said, laughing again. "You want to do more than tal-," and Namjoon cut him off, quickly glancing at the kitchen doorway.
"Time to stand up hyung, Elsbeth, I think you might need to be the one to call the Uber for him."
"Oppa, lets go," she said, standing up and yanking Jin to his feet as she fumbled with her phone to make the booking. "Sorry Joon, he's just teasing."
"Hmmmm," he answered as Grace came back into the lounge to grab some more plates.
"We're going to go now Grace," Elsbeth said, grabbing her around the neck in a tight hug that caught Grace off guard but she hugged back. "Sara will message us updates, yeah?"
"Yeah, she said she would. Thanks for coming tonight. Keep this idiot safe," she said as Elsbeth went home.
"At least this idiot is heading home with the one he loves. Other idiots, not so much. Take Nanjoon for example," Jin started to say but Joon had just enough time to reach his hand in front of Jin's mouth, shutting it firmly with some pressure as he glared at him, glad his back was slightly turned away from Grace.
Elsbeth was giggling a little but reached for Jin's hand. "Now's not the time to play matchmaker jagi, the Uber is on the way, lets wait outside."
Namjoon cautiously peeled his hand away from Jin's mouth, giving him a warning look as he did, not enjoying the grin he got in return when his hand fell to the side.
"Another day then," he finished, stepping to sweep Grace into a hug before they walked out the door, instantly becoming lost in their coupley world as they did. Grace rolled her eyes at them.
"They can be a little gross sometimes," she said, heading back to the kitchen.
"Yes, they can," Namjoon answered, pleased Grace didn't seem to pick up on anything Jin was saying. He had no idea how he was feeling and the day before her surgery was not the time to process anything. Tonight he was just here to support her as a friend.
"But how are you feeling? Nervous?"
"A little," she sighed, leaning back against the counter as she watched him scrape some leftover food into the trash. "Mainly the pain, I'm not terrible with pain but I have no idea what to expect. And then of course, I'm worried about how much of my breast will they take? Are they going to be lopsided? And it's not like I think they're amazing, they're probably just standard you know. But I don't want to lose bits of them either." She was vomitting out her words in a rush, not even bothered that it was Namjoon and not Sara she was sharing this all with. He was one of her best friends after all and it felt OK to talk about with him.
Namjoon didn't know what her 'probably standard breasts' looked like, he hadn't seen them and he gulped at her words. It was a little embarrassing to have this conversation now that they weren't drunk but he tried not to show it because she was being really honest and vulnerable.
"Let's not assume the worst. One step at a time right?" His cheeks were a little pink and she wondered if in fact she had stepped over the line, talking too openly about her body. It wasn't like they hadn't talked about it before but last time she was very drunk and she wasn't sure he remembered either.
"Sorry, I should remember to have a filter more often. It's not like I've been drinking this time."
He glanced at her sharply and she could read the question in his eyes. "Yeah, it all came back to me, horrifyingly," she explained and he blushed a little more.
"It's OK Grace, we all say things when we're drunk."
"Still, I'm sorry. That was a bit awkward, asking you to, well, anyway, sorry."
"Really, it's OK Grace." He looked at her in a way she hadn't seen from him before and she had a moment where she wondered if he meant it was OK that she'd said it or if it would be OK to follow through. And then she blinked away from his gaze because that was a stupid thought, his eyes were too deep and intense right now and she had no idea where it was all coming from.
"Thank you, I won't mention it again," she said, smiling at him a little before rinsing the dishes to stack in the dishwasher. So she missed the final look he gave before he left the room, a wistful look of possibilities.
Namjoon Diary Entry
She remembers and I almost said something but stopped myself. I mean, what would I have said? Yes, if you wanted me to I'd treasure your body? She'd been drunk when she said it and I would never hold her to anything she said when she was feeling that vulnerable. But tonight felt different or maybe I'm just imagining it. And tomorrow, yeah, I don't know how I feel about her going into theatre and not holding her hand through it all.