My past has tasted bitter for years now
So I wield an iron fist
Grace is just weakness
Or so I've been told
I've been cold, I've been merciless
But the blood on my hands scares me to death
Maybe I'm waking up today
I'll be good, I'll be good
And I'll love the world, like I should (oh-oh-oh)
I'll be good
- I'll be good by Jaymes Young

I stared into the stoned fireplace the next evening. The flames leapt up like they sensed my excitement. The rain also drummed wildly against the high window panes. That sound made me go to the window and I looked out over the Hogwarts grounds and the eddying lake. My heartbeat fast in joyful anticipation. When Severus knocked on my door, he looked slightly unsure. To my delight, he also had a very good drop of Elf-made wine in his hand.
He was in my private rooms for the first time and looked around curiously. His gaze wandered to the paintings of plants and healing potions that didn't move. Severus surveyed my two armchairs in dark red fabric, which were standing in front of the fireplace. In the middle was a small antique wooden table. Then he looked at the large dark wooden door, which was slightly ajar and gave a glimpse into my bedroom with attached bath. Though all the staff's private rooms were designed in this way, he seemed oddly touched at the sight. As if he had seen something that was not meant for him. Like a boy who found his Christmas present when he opened a closet door.
"I saved it for special occasions," he said under his breath.
"I have nothing against such a fine drop," I said and thought briefly about whether meeting me was suddenly part of a special opportunity for him, but quickly pushed the absurd thought aside. He looked me up and down now before opening the bottle. I put two glasses on the table and sat in a low chair.
"You're wearing a... nice dress." he whispered as he filled our glasses. I felt myself blush slightly at the thought that Severus had just complimented me.
"Thanks, it's my favourite colour." I said, looking down at myself. I had also saved the emerald green dress for special occasions.
"Interesting. That's my favourite colour too," he said softly. Somehow, I have the feeling that the atmosphere was a bit tense now. Or was I just imagining it? My feelings for Severus were so ingrained in me now that I didn't know if I was the only one suddenly nervous. He sat down across from me.
"What shall we drink to?" His eyes wandered attentively over my face as I replied: "To the old days of our youth!" He nodded and put the glass to his lips, which my eyes now followed. I remembered the kiss under the mistletoe again. I felt a slight blush on my cheeks. But it was so long ago.
"May I ask you something since we're talking from our school days?" he asked me in a low voice. His body assumed an upright position, his shoulders noticeably straightened.
"Of course!" I said and leaned back relaxed although his posture unsettled me. It had to be something that had bothered him for a while.
"You spent a lot of time with Potter and his friends after our dispute. Why?"
So, we quickly got back to this topic. Well, if that's the way he wanted it. Maybe it really was time to talk about it.
"Lily soon became interested in James and I got on very well with Remus. We are still in good contact." I replied, watching Severus grimace.
"So, you think highly of Lupin?", he asked with a strange undertone.
"Yes, he is a good friend. I often miss his company."
"So, that's how it is." Severus said softly and sipped from his glass. We were silent for a moment, and I wondered why he was reacting so strangely. I knew he'd never been on good terms with James, Sirius or Remus. But that was in the past, wasn't it?
"And were you two together too?" he asked. I almost spilled my wine, that's how surprising this question came from his mouth. I was used to being accused of a love interest between me and Remus, but I hadn't thought Severus would share that suspicion. The gaze of Severus seemed remarkably expressionless while I had the feeling he was trying to see into my thoughts.
"Remus and me? I beg you! We were always just friends, there was never an attraction between us. What makes you think that?" I said slightly annoyed.
"You went out together so much in seventh grade. And Potter and Lilly were… So, I thought you and Lupin are also…a couple." Did the thought of a connection between me and Remus make him nervous?
"No, we were never. Neither I nor he would have been remotely interested." I said slowly with a little grin. Severus pursed his lips.
"But you know what he is?" he said with sparkling eyes.
"What exactly do you mean?" My voice sounded uncertain, although I wanted to appear as relaxed as possible. He couldn't know. From where should he? I tried to calm down and my breathing became even again.
"I mean what he becomes when he takes a walk in the light of the full moon." he said bitterly. Crap! I caught my breath and turned pale. For a moment I toyed with the idea of using an oblivion charm. But I hadn't used it since the exercises in school and once in the days of the Order. I tried to compose myself and bit my lower lip painfully. He followed my movement and stared at my lips with an odd look. I can not. First, I have to find out what and above all how he knows about Remus and his monthly problem and above all whether he can keep it to himself. I took a long sip of wine before I found my words.
"How do you know?" I asked uncertainly. Various memories popped up in my head. I saw myself sitting by the Black Lake with Remus as he told me his secret. But the expression on Severus' face showed me that he himself hadn't counted on me knowing Remus' secret. He caught himself surprisingly quickly and began to talk.
"Well, Black lured me to the Shrieking Shack at full moon when we were at school. He said if I want to know what they're up to all I have to do is use a stick and the Whomping Willow won't move. Then I should follow the secret passage. I was always trying to figure out what they were doing at night and why nobody else wanted to notice. So, I snuck after them. I walked down the small corridor and saw Lupin transform into a werewolf in the Shrieking Shack. The monster saw me and with one mighty leap it was with me. It smelled on me. I stood motionless in shock, unable to escape. That's when Potter appeared and pulled me back behind him while he cast several Stunning Charms on Lupin. I almost died there thanks to Black. But I know that was his goal."
"Why didn't you tell Lily and me about this?" I ask, shocked. I had to force myself to close my open mouth again.
"Dumbledore let me know that I would be expelled from Hogwarts if even a word of it passed my lips. Potter got house points from the Headmaster for my glorious rescue. I was punished for my curiosity. I knew how unfair life is. From that day on I swore vengeance on them." His words sounded bitter. As if he had this situation in front of him again. I didn't even know what to say to that. This information overwhelmed me. How could the Headmaster act so unfairly when Severus was clearly in distress in this situation.
"Severus, I'm so sorry! You could have confided in us! If only we had known that."
"Lily knew. Not the whole story, but she still saw Potter as my saviour, which he never was. He just saved his own head. He didn't care about me."
He took a long gulp of wine while I continued to stare at him in horror.
That explained his intense hatred for Sirius, James and Remus. But I was shocked that Lily hadn't grasped the seriousness of the situation. I was telling myself everything was alright. Lily just hadn't understood what he was trying to tell her. It sure was easy...but I couldn't. I just didn't get it.
"Severus, I´m sorry. If I-"
"No, please. You didn't know. I do not blame you. Let's leave it at that tonight." He shook his head.
He sat in silence for a long moment and stared into the blazing fire in the chimney, eyebrows deeply furrowed. He swirled the content of his glass around briefly before taking a deep sip and looking at me steadily.
"And if it's not Lupin: surely there was a man in your life once?" he asked quietly after a while. I cleared my throat. Damn, he didn't seem to let me get away. But why was the subject so important to him? And why was I making such a secret about it? I closed my eyes briefly.
"That's right," I replied, embarrassed. The memory rolled over me like a train. Gideon. I saw his amber eyes, heard his voice, felt his gentle hand on my skin. The thought of Gideon made me feel that infinite sadness at his loss again. Severus looked at me with his sparkling dark eyes.
"Where is he?" he asked in a low voice.
"He's dead, murdered by your former Death Eater friends." I said dejectedly. There was certainly a little hostility in my voice.
"So, the rumors were true, then." Severus stated. His eyes rested on me. He didn't want to miss any movement of my facial expressions.
"What rumours?" I raised my eyebrows.
"Gideon Prewett. He was reportedly having a relationship with a young witch who works at St. Mungo's and is active in the Order." Severus said, watching me. His gaze bore into my eyes. I pictured Gideon and remembered our first kiss in the woods. I swallowed.
"It was you, wasn't it? You watched us in the forest." I stated dryly. To my dismay he nodded briefly.
"Why? Why did you threaten us?" My thoughts raced. Why was he chasing us? I felt slightly nauseous. I put my glass down on the table noisily. His eyes followed my movement.
"I was a spy for the Dark Lord. Some of us should follow members of the order. I guessed from the descriptions that one of them was you. And I volunteered for it because I wanted to warn you that they were after you. I told them, you are insignificant and not worth pursuing. A minor Muggle-born witch with no talents or influence. My objection was successful and you were left behind in favour of other apparently more important members of the order. And I was given the task of dedicating myself to Dumbledore. To keep an eye on him."
Tears filled my eyes, I put my hand over my mouth and started to sob. Severus gave me a startled look and then he looked away. I knew he wasn't much for the outburst of emotions. But I couldn't hold back anymore. My emotional side was still a strong part of me.
"Sorry, I was... it was wrong to ask you about Prewett. I didn't want you to... sorry." His voice seemed uncertain.
He got up and looked out the window of my office towards the black lake. The rain drummed violently against the windows. I tried to calm down again, which I found difficult. I needed a few minutes in which we were both silent. Then Severus turned back to me and leaving the view of the window behind.
"Do you miss Prewett? Did you love him?" Severus asked me softly after I recovered.
"Yes, I loved Gideon and I miss him. He was a great Wizard. He wanted to grow old with me… have children." I nodded to a small table on which a book lay next to a small red box. I always honored it there. The ring reminded me of the love I lost. But also I was worth it. Severus looked down at it and with a slight twitch through his body, he realized what was inside. I knew some silent tears were streaming down my cheeks again.
"But all of that was taken from us. He was taken from me. And if you-"
"I already told you it wasn't me who was chasing him after that. I was assigned to espionage against Dumbledore. Nothing was in my hands anymore. But I knew you were safe. And that was the most important thing.", he said louder than usual. Severus looked at me and tried to catch my eye, but I avoided him and looked down, concerned. We were silent until my tears dried up again.
"What did you expect?" he asked softly.
"I don't know." I looked at him with wide eyes. I really couldn't answer it. Of course, I knew he was a Death Eater. But when he told me that he had realized in time before Voldemort's fall that everything was a mistake on his part, I must have talked it up. His past at the side of a monster.
"Damn, I almost went insane thinking about losing Lily and you." He slammed his fist into the wall and look down to his feet. I jumped up and went to him.
"But why, Severus? Then why did you join Voldemort in the first place?" I asked amazed. He flinched when I mentioned his former master's name and gave me an odd look.
"Suffice it to say that the stupid boy from back then made many mistakes and is now trying to fix them?" he asked in a deep voice, looking at me. But he knew that answer would not satisfy me. He read it in my eyes. So, Severus sighed loudly and considered what to say.
"I entered the Dark Lord's service straight after Hogwarts. My contacts from school days like Lucius Malfoy led me to him. The Dark Lord screens new members closely. He is quite familiar with Legilimency. I knew that before and practiced Occlumency for protection in school days."
"Why? If you were loyal to him, surely you had nothing to hide?"
"I didn't want to give him all information's about me. My muggle father's whereabouts, my feeling of loneliness, or my connection to Lily and you."
I stared at him. My thoughts were literally racing. He kept looking into my eyes, barely blinking.
"You wanted to protect us with that?" I realized he risked his life to keep us off Voldemort's kill list. I suddenly found it difficult to breathe.
"Yes. The Dark Lord does not value Muggle-borns in the lives of his servants. He makes them disappear quickly." I could hear excitement in his voice, despite suppressing it.
"And yet you joined him." I realized bitterly.
"I mentioned before that I was deluded and… naive. I truly believed it was great power that I needed. That it's power that will bring Lily and you back to me. In any case, I only showed him the part that he was allowed to see. And he seemed to sense that I had a talent for controlling myself good enough. So, he used me as a spy from the start. But he didn't let me into the inner circle. He still distrusted me too much."
"But you have the Dark Mark on your left arm?" I asked quietly. He immediately folded his arms behind his back as if to hide them.
"Indeed." He pressed out of his lips. He was clearly uncomfortable. But I didn't give up.
"Then you must have belonged to the inner circle?" I replied challengingly. I wanted to know everything. This time it was my eyes that pierced him.
"Yes, later. First, after more than a year of spying Ministry officials and members of the order, I was assigned to follow Albus Dumbledore. The Dark Lord saw him as a great Wizard that he had to take down." His whole body trembled slightly as he told it.
"Apparently you weren't successful," I stated. He looked at me with raised eyebrows.
"Let's put it this way, I've completely failed in my own goals, yes." His voice was bitter.
I sighed and looked up the fireplace again. My thoughts took me back to Gideon and Lily. I saw my nightmares blazing in the flames right in front of me. I shuddered. I felt Severus' eyes on me. I knew that nightmares of Lily held him captive as well. He lost his love too.
"And you? Was there a love in your life besides Lily?" I asked to take his mind off me and because I really cared.
"Love? A big word and hardly anyone understands the meaning behind it, don't you think?" he asked me evasively. I narrowed my eyes at him and shrugged. He paced in front of me briefly before stopping and staring at me.
"What do you think? Can you still be friends with me? After all?"
He now revealed to me the Dark Mark emblazoned in very pale red on his left forearm. It was barely noticeable. "Even though I was a servant of the Dark Lord? And I betrayed Lily and you? I have to know it."
I looked at him and thought about it. He'd fought Muggle-borns like me. But he'd regretted his role in that war. Yet he contributed to many victims, even though he did not actively kill anyone. But hadn't Regulus also been a Death Eater who regretted his actions? Didn't I suffer for him when he died without living his relationship with Fabian open? Severus had also switched sides and realized his big mistake. Didn't he deserve that I forgive him like Fabian did with Regulus? Didn't I know that I was also a part of this, driving Severus into the Dark Lord's arms through our breach?
"Severus, I cannot condone what you have done. But I can feel how great your remorse and your guilt are. And I know that so much has been done to you in life. And that you were blinded, and you were lonely cause I let you go then. But I also have some guilt because I wasn't the friend you needed."
He gasped and stared at me in disbelief. I gave in to my inner urge and my hand gently touched his cheek. He twitched briefly under my touch and my skin still tingled from our closeness.
"Severus, it's time you learned to love yourself," I whispered.
"What?" His eyes widened in horror.
"You have experienced so much suffering and rejection and it is time you put the past behind you. Accept yourself as you are." I closed my eyes briefly to sort out my feelings before continuing. "And what do I feel? Give me time to think about whether I can accept all of this. Please."
He stood motionless, my hand resting on his cheek. His breathing was rapid, and the thoughts were racing in his head so feverishly that he closed his eyes for a moment too.
We both had probably imagined this evening differently. As if reading my mind, he backed away from me and suddenly said:
"It's getting late and I still have some work to do." He looked at me briefly with a strange look. As if he'd illegally opened his early Christmas present. "I leave the wine to you."
He walked quickly out of my office and quietly closed the door behind him.
I burst into tears again. I thought of Gideon and his brother Fabian, Lilly, James, Marlene, Dorcas and all the other friends who lost their lives and to Frank and Alice who had to suffer so unbearably.

The next morning, he knocked on my door. I let him in silently, but I couldn't look at him directly.
"Catherine, I want to apologize again for asking you about Prewett last night. I didn't know he meant so much to you... that you loved him...and I was just pushing the limits." he said softly.
"We're friends and it's okay if you know about Gideon and me. I guess I just pushed it away too much. Some feelings are probably still too strong for me. And your questions and your actions as a Death Eater have upset me more than I thought." I answered quick. I lifted my head and looked into his pained eyes. I was shocked by what I read in it. It seemed that there was great self-loathing in him. I knew I desperately wanted to help him, heal him. Because wasn't that what I've wanted since my school days? Heal him? Show him how valuable he was. But I hurt him with my rejection. I felt that immediately. However, I needed time.
"But I guess, I have to thank you for keeping me out of their sight. Otherwise, I would have followed Marlene and her family in their deaths. Then I'd be lying next to Gideon, wouldn't I?" I stated with a trembling voice.
His face went pale, he opened his mouth to say something, but no sound escaped his thin lips. I just nodded to him. I got it. Each of us had chosen our side at the time - along with all the consequences necessary to pursue the goal.
In trepidation we were silent for a moment.
"Let's go to breakfast! I'm really hungry.", I lied and walked past him to the Great Hall. He followed me immediately. I tried to treat him like any other colleague that morning. Because the memory of my old friends and especially Gideon was getting on my nerves. I sensed that he noticed, but Severus didn't address my conflicted feelings again.
But how could I forgive him? He had been chasing Gideon and me on behalf of Lord Voldemort. I was also supposed to be killed, and even if it wasn't thanks to him, so many others had died. Besides it didn't help to mourn the past. Living in it didn't bring anyone back to life for me. And I knew that Severus' regret was genuine. It also helped to know that he realized in time what the hell he was supporting. Wasn't that exactly what I wanted back then?
After three days I followed the narrow stone stairway leading from the entrance hall to the dungeons. The entrance to Severus´ office was halfway down the cold passage leading from the base of these stairs. I knocked on his wooden door.
"Come in," he said, and I walked in without him looking up.
"Want you spend time with me again?" I asked him with a stack of student essays under my arm. He looked up in surprise and nodded instantly. I sat down next to him. Like always. I just missed his company too much. I didn't know if that happened to him too. He no longer sought my contact. Or did he want to give me the time I needed to forgive him?
Suddenly he looked straight at me and said in a soft voice: "I'm glad you're here tonight."
I blushed slightly under his gaze.
"Why?" I asked amazed.
"Well, I have another piece of work by fourth years that will amuse you and which will arouse my great displeasure." he said, handing me an essay on the use of bicorn horn in potions. I read it with amusement while Severus silently watched me. So, everything was as usual, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Suddenly, he looked strange when I handed the essay back to him.
"What is it, Severus?"
"It just occurred to me that unfortunately I have to interrupt our little ritual together. I have until tomorrow to check my inventory and place an order for the necessary potion ingredients to arrive in time for the Christmas holidays."
"Oh, of course I understand. Why don't we do this together if it's so urgent?" I asked. He raised an eyebrow.
"For real? It's usually not a job that resonates well with my students that I assign to detention for it. Unfortunately, contrary to the usual situation, all the students correctly behaved this week. So, I now have to do it myself."
"There's nothing like getting a little organized, right? It's not that I don't have experience arranging potion ingredients."
Severus nodded and I saw a smirk curl his mouth. Did he also remember our detention together with Professor Slughorn? I didn't ask him, but I was almost certain because as we walked to his personal storeroom, I felt his sideways glance.
The ingredient room was small in floor area but larger in wall area. There was a ladder to climb higher to reach the hanging shelves, which were well above the average person's height.
As I stood on the ladder to check the stock jar of lacewings, my foot slipped off the ladder. I wobbled and suddenly the ladder tipped backwards. It all happened so quickly that Severus didn't have time to cast a spell. So, he spread his arms and caught me. Together we landed on the ground. He looked at me in pain and rubbed his backside.
"Are you okay, Severus? Do you need something?" I asked. Since he cushioned my landing, nothing hurts me. His previously pained face suddenly relaxed, his eyes sparkling. His previously pained face suddenly relaxed, his eyes sparkling. The sight of him made my heart beat faster again.
"No, I'm fine." He suddenly grinned at me. "I see you haven't shed your clumsiness since school."
I felt myself blushing. But I had a feeling that Severus didn't mean it, as a smirk continued to curl his lips.
"Yes, it's an old habit that's hard to break." I laughed.
With a flick of my wand, I put the ladder back in place.
"I'll give you the same advice as before: you should be more careful, Catherine." His voice was softer than usual.
"But why? I've got you by my side, right?" I said, grinning, before realizing it was a bit flirtatious. Did I see a faint hint of pink on his fair cheeks? He swallowed and looked down briefly. Was he unsure? But I dismissed the thought immediately when he lifted his head again and raised his eyebrows reproachfully into my face.
"Yes, but we should get on with it, we're still on the ingredients with an L. It'll take all night otherwise," he stated in a low voice.
I nodded and together we sorted the ingredients further.