Are you uncertain?
Or just scared to drop your guard?
Have you been broken?
Are you afraid to show your heart?
Life can be unkind
But only sometimes
You're giving up before you start
And all you never say is that you love me so
All I'll never know is if you want me oh
If only I could look into your mind
Maybe then I'd find a sign
Of all I want to hear you say to me
To me
- All You Never Say by Birdy

"The Hall is beautifully decorated, Minerva," I said appreciatively. She grinned at me.
"Yes, I love Christmas just like Filius. We have to hold each other back sometimes." Minerva McGonagall stated.
"Please don't hold back! I spent the best Christmas celebrations at Hogwarts because of you!" I said, my eyes sparkling. The Great Hall was festively decorated. Twelve great decorated firs shone in their splendour. Mistletoe and holly were part of the decoration. The armour sang Christmas carols as always.
"May I add one more thing?" I asked uncertainly and stared at the cloudy ceiling.
"Of course, please!" Minerva replied.
I waved my wand and snow fell from the enchanted ceiling. But unlike real snow, it was dry and warm.
"Oh, an excellent addition!" Filius Flitwick squeaked happily and clapped his hands briefly.
"It seems we have a new decorator in our midst for the holidays," Minerva stated with satisfaction.
"May I offer you some mulled wine, dearest?" Filius asked me and handed me a mug.
"Thank you!" I said. We enjoyed our work in silence some moments. I thought of my Christmas days at Hogwarts as a student. There were only a few of us at the castle at that time. And even fewer spent as much time as possible in these walls, because it was the best home they had. One of them was the man who just entered the Hall. Severus walked into the Great Hall but stopped short at the sight of us. I knew he didn't associate Christmas with good memories from his childhood. I grinned at him and felt that this made him regain his confidence.
"Unfortunately, some people aren't particularly enthusiastic about the magic of Christmas." Minerva whispered to me with raised eyebrows. I watched Severus float towards us. He cleared his throat.
"Mulled wine at this early hour?" he asked, raising an accusatory eyebrow.
"Sure. We're not teaching today." Filius replied and also held out a cup to him.
"We have holidays, Severus," Minerva added. Severus stared down at his mug in mild disgust. I had to grin and just bumped my mug into his.
"Cheers!" I said, sipping my hot drink. Professors Flitwick and McGonagall followed suit. Then the headmaster came rushing in. His half-moon glasses looked up at the ceiling and he beamed.
"Just lovely! Who came up with the idea of the snow?" he asked. His voice sounded as excited as a child enjoying the magical time.
"Oh, that was me. I thought it gave the final touch." I said happily. I felt Severus watching me and gave him a grin as well. The corners of his mouth twisted involuntarily into a happy expression. It seemed as if his muscles were struggling, but they surrendered.
"Indeed, it is." stated Dumbledore with a smirk. Then he turned to Minerva. "How many students are at Hogwarts over Christmas, Minerva?"
"Only seven, Albus." she replied.
"Well then we don't need all of you here at Hogwarts. If you want to go to your family, Catherine, go ahead." he told me nonchalantly.
"I would like to stay here. Otherwise, I would be… alone. ", I answered seemingly I replied seemingly indifferently. Severus suddenly raised his hand as if to put it on my shoulder, but he stopped and just ran a hand through his hair. He knew me well enough to know that it pained me not to have my own family by my side to give me a loving welcome. We talked about it yesterday evening in his office. He, on the other hand, handled it very well. At least he said so.
"Well, that's probably true of all of us," Minerva said, smiling encouragingly at me with thin lips. So, we stood together as a group. None of us had a family that we could or wanted to be with. Hogwarts was our home. We were our surrogate family and I have to say it was one of my best Christmas celebrations ever.
On Christmas Eve there were no house tables, no separation of teachers and students. We sat together. I held out a Wizard cracker to Severus, who was sitting next to me. Reluctantly he pulled at it. We were both enveloped in a cloud of pink dust as glitter hearts and stars rained down on us, a bouquet of roses fell into my hands and a hat full of hearts and stars fell on Severus' face. His disgusted expression made me laugh immediately. He made a grimace, but I saw that he had to grin a little to himself.
"Merry Christmas, Severus!" I said, holding out my glass of wine to toast. He looked at me. My heart started pounding loudly as I lost myself in them again. I wanted to kiss him immediately and leaned slightly towards him. Damn, I'm tipsy and I need to control myself. Not that I did anything rash in front of everyone. He raised his mug and clinked glasses with me.
"Merry Christmas, Catherine," he said softly, taking a long sip. I kept looking at him. His black hair frames his face. His dark eyes shone seductively and I leaned even closer to him. He looked at me interested, but also irritated.
"More turkey?" Minerva suddenly asked me from the side. She too seemed a little tipsy.
"With pleasure. I love Christmas Day food," I replied. I looked on our Christmas dinner. I saw the fat, roast turkeys, mountains of roast and boiled potatoes, platters of fat chipolatas, tureens of buttered peas, silver boats of thick, rich gravy and cranberry sauce.
"Who doesn't, dearest?" she asked cheerfully, slapping me some turkey on my plate. "You know, my dear- you remind me a lot of myself when I was so young."
"For real?"
"Indeed. I know the sting of lost love, too." she began. I looked up and my eyes met Minerva's. "Dougal McGregor. We were terribly in love at the time. I'm sorry to say that I couldn't stay sane when it came to him." The woman smiled softly, an enraptured look in her eyes. "He was a muggle and the handsome, clever and funny son of a local farmer. We wanted to get married. But I couldn't. He didn't know about my wizardry skills and I was very ambitious. I didn't want to be trapped in a marriage where I couldn't use my wand." There was regret in her voice. "He was devastated when I broke our connection to go to the Ministry's Department of Magical Law Enforcement. But later he married someone else and had children. He was killed by Voldemort's followers, like so many muggles. You know, I've always loved him and sometimes I wonder if he would still be alive if I had made different choices at the time."
"You've loved him all these years?" I asked.
"I still do."
I didn't know what to say except, "I'm very sorry, Minerva."
"But my dear, I'm also sorry for your own loss. Gideon Prewett was an extraordinary wizard. Even at Hogwarts. Prefect, Head Boy and an amazingly good keeper at Quidditch. I always liked him very much. I think Bill and Charlie Weasley are quite a bit like him, don't they?"
"Yes, indeed." I swallowed.
My lightness brought on by the alcohol was gone in one fell swoop and also my appetite. I glanced at Severus, who was straining his gaze over the seven students.
So, I turned my attention back to the feast, wondering if Severus had noticed my heart's desire. I was afraid of the answer. I tucked the eagle quill I had wrapped for him as a gift deeper into my robes. Was it childish to give him a present for Christmas? After all, we were adults.
As I said goodbye and walked to my private quarters, I heard his familiar footsteps behind me. I turned around quickly and he stopped abruptly. His eyes widened briefly before he smiled softly.
"I have something for you. Unfortunately, I haven't found a suitable moment to give it to you yet." He held out a present in green paper with a silver bow. I took it with trembling hands. I hesitated. "Go ahead and open it. I didn't poison it even though I´m known for it.," he said, grinning. I carefully unwrapped it while he followed my every move. It was a small bag of seeds of the extremely rare Plangentinen. I smiled.
"Thank you, Severus. I will let it grow as our friendship does."
"I thought you would get the meaning of this gift." A hint of pink slid onto his face, as well as a beguiling grin.
"I have a little present for you too." I said shyly.
"For real?" His black eyes widened in surprise. I wondered why when he also had a present for me.
"Naturally." I gave him his long narrow gift. When he opened it, a grin crossed his face again.
"You have noticed that my old quill is no longer good."
"Yes, and the eagle feather-"
"Is well suited for a small handwriting."
"Yes." I happily confirmed. So, my gift wasn't a flop after all.
"Many Thanks." He looked deep into my eyes, sending a shiver down my spine. I had to swallow because my eyes wandered to his soft lips. How I wished I could feel them on me. My mood get tense. I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly shut it again.
Suddenly we heard a loud banging from somewhere above us. Severus looked up.
"It'll be Peeves. Don't worry, go to bed. I'll take care of him." He said in a soft voice.
"Thank you, Severus."
"And I thank you!" he said before floating up the stairs, his black robes billowing out behind him. Shit, he's so attractive.

On the 9th day after New Year's Eve I got up early and walked quietly down the many flights of stairs in Gryffindor wing to the dungeons. I wondered if it was on purpose that the Gryffindors were kept as separate as possible from the Slytherins, at the other ends of the castle. Tower and Dungeon.
I suddenly jumped as Peeves appeared in front of me. He wears a bell-shaped hat and an orange bow tie.
"Is there a student sneaking through the halls so early? Oh, Professor! Do you have an excuse for disturbing me? I was about to spread some mud outside Filch's office," he said, eyes twinkling maliciously.
"Peeves, as much as I appreciate your honesty, don't. And get out of my way." I gripped my wand tightly. I already knew his insidiousness from my old school days.
"Oh, in such a good mood today?" He grabbed a torch and hurled it at me. I use my wand with a quick flick to stop them in mid-air and throw them back at him. Howling, he ducked behind the wall. I looked at my other hand which held a heavy and wrapped package. I sighed in relief because it didn't seem to have been damaged by my sudden movement.
Another odd habit of Dumbledore's. He gave Peeves free rein. I knew it was difficult to get rid of or contain a poltergeist, but there were ways and he knew them.
I took a quick look in the large mirror in the entrance hall. I looked at myself with uncertain, almost anxious eyes. My cheeks were flushed with excitement and I wore my long hair up for a change. But not quite as strict as Minerva always did. Then I continued down the stairs that led deep beneath the castle. I was beginning to shiver because the cold of the walls was strong here in winter. As I turned into a narrow corridor, my heart started beating faster and before I knocked on the dark wooden door I took a short breath.
After a little while the door creaked open a small split from which dark eyes looked at me curiously and irritated.
"Catherine? What brings you to me so early?"
"Your birthday, Severus," I said, grinning. He looked at me silently and I searched his eyes. I recognized surprise in it, a touch of excitement and joy, but also uncertainty and irritation.
"May I come in?" I asked in a low voice. He nodded and opened the door to let me into his private rooms with a wave of his hand.
I looked around. The structure was similar to my rooms, only the furnishings were different. Instead of the large windows that gave me a view of the lake and Hogwarts grounds, its smaller lancet windows led directly to a view of the subterranean part of the lake. The mysterious water cast a ray of greenish light into the rather long room, which was lit by only a few candles and torches. There was a large, heavy wooden table in front of the fireplace, on which documents were stacked. There were two armchairs. It felt less like a living space and more like a second office. Another door led like mine into his bedroom and the adjoining bathroom. But the door was locked, which annoyed me a bit. I would have liked to have looked inside. A cold shiver ran down my spine at the thought of it. Suddenly, Severus' throat clearing pulled me out of my thoughts. He kept watching me inspecting his rooms. That made me a little embarrassed.
"Sorry, I don't usually get visitors here and well, it's a bit cold." With a flick of his wand, a magnificent fire blazed in the chimney.
I turned to him. He hadn't put on his robes yet. So, he stood in front of me only in black trousers and a white shirt, under which his body was outlined. I could feel my blood pounding hot in my veins. Damn, I made a mistake. Seeing him like this only increased my longing for him.
"So you're here because of my birthday?" he asked with raised eyebrows, because I still hadn't found my voice.
"Yes, happy birthday, Severus! I wanted to give you my present without the other teachers." I handed the heavy package. The weight seemed to surprise him, but a smile spread across his pale face.
"Thanks!"
"Wait a minute, you don't even know what's inside yet," I said, blushing at the thought of him understanding the present correctly.
He opened the emerald green paper and stared at the large glass jar.
"Heliotrope inlaid in Felix Felicis. What a rare combination," he stated. I looked deep into his dark eyes. He was visibly pleased and smiled, but I didn't get the feeling that he understood.
"I saw some jars of that in your office." I explained, not without a trace of disappointment.
"Yes, I wanted to start a collection, but somehow I haven't had the opportunity yet. Thank you for that!" He placed the glass carefully on the empty mantelpiece. I saw a soft finger touch it lovingly for a moment before turning back to me without batting an eyelid.
"And now breakfast?" I asked and saw a strange figure swimming past out the window.
"Absolutely," he said, taking a step towards me. We faced each other. He slowly stretched out his arms and suddenly hugged me. I stiffened under his touch, having never seen him seek physical contact on his own. I felt his warm breath on my neck and inhaled the scent from him. He smelled so incredibly good. I couldn't grasp what exactly, but it almost drove me insane. But as quickly as he hugged me, he broke away from me. But it made me happy because I felt like his wall had finally fallen.
"It's been a long time since anyone has given me such a personal birthday present. It means a lot to me," he said, his voice hoarse as if trying to hold back uncomfortable emotions. I nodded and together we went up the dark corridors of the dungeons to the Staff room, where Albus, Minerva, Filius and the others were already waiting for him. The headmaster presented him a fine bottle of elfmade wine, Minerva held out a bottle of Scotch whiskey and Filius a book about toadstools on behalf of the faculty. After a quick handshake, which Severus didn't seem unhappy about at all this year, we all went to breakfast. Dumbledore squinted at me knowingly over his half-moon glasses. Had he noticed like I did that Severus was laughing more now or was devoting more time to his looks? And did he connect that to our friendship like I did? But why did I feel like it bothered him when Severus changed like that? I poked around in my breakfast that morning, lost in thought.

One evening at the end of February, when it got later than usual, we walked back to the castle in the dark over the snow-covered slope. It was freezing cold and I pulled my long dark red coat tighter around my body. But suddenly I slipped. Severus tried to catch me quickly, but my fall was unavoidable. So, we both ended up on the white floor. Our faces and hair were covered in snow as we both looked at each other. I saw Severus try to pull himself together, but he leaned forward slightly and suddenly he laughed heartily, at first seeming surprised himself. But he laughed without stopping his amusement. I noticed how boyish he suddenly looked.
"You look like the Father Christmas of the Muggles," he stated. I grinned at him while suddenly throwing a snowball right in his face. His laughter stifled as the snow slowly slid down his body. But he grinned, also quickly formed a snowball, and threw it at me. We literally wallowed in the snow, we laughed and threw each other without being able to get up because we kept slipping. It was like a snowball fight among children. Really silly and it was so incredibly good.
I laughed and shook the snow off my head and face as we both sat breathing fast in the snow. We smiled at each other before attempting to help each other up. When our hands touched, a flash went through me and our eyes met. I jerked to let Severus hold me tighter. He leaned slightly towards me. Our faces were only a hand's breadth apart. My heart was beating fast against my chest.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly. I nodded, unable to get a word out of my mouth. He pulled me to my feet, but my knees were so weak I staggered.
We looked at each other for a few moments. Was it the moment to tell him? Finally release my feelings that have been wanting to get out of me for years? Should I risk him rejecting me? Risk our friendship? But I couldn´t do that. I couldn't let him lose when we were closer than we've ever been. His throat cleared me out of my thoughts.
"We should hurry or it'll only be dessert left and you know I'm not the sweets type."
"No, me neither. But I have to tell you something, Severus!"
"What?" he asked me irritated. His cheeks turned pink. Was it from our snowball fight or was he nervous? But I can already relate his irritation to our exhaustion in the snow. Because why should I made him tense?
"I can do it, Severus. I accept your past. Absolutely." I said in a low voice. He looked at me with wide eyes and nodded curtly. But I also caught a glimpse of a twinkle in his dark eyes. My words seemed to mean a lot to him, even though he couldn't show it.
We trudged through the snow at a rapid pace. When we bumped into the teacher's table in the Great Hall, a few looks from colleagues appraised us.
"Sorry, we are late. I still needed some potion ingredients from the Greenhouses for tomorrow's class." Severus explained at the table without batting an eyelid. This explanation seemed to satisfy the staff, only Professor Dumbledore's gaze rested on us longer and I felt myself turning slightly pink.
"I've noticed that you've settled in quite well here. And your presence seems to have a strong impact on other people as well. " he told me and eyed me curiously while Professor McGonagall helped herself to another fried chicken.
"Yes, I feel very comfortable here. My colleagues and the students have welcomed me very well," I replied, embarrassed.
"Well, you're a good teacher too, as I found out from a couple of students the other day. Charlie Weasley worships you a lot, Catherine." Minerva said loudly.
"Oh, I'm really pleased." Now I was blushing, because compliments of any kind still made me nervous.
"And I'm sure you were pleased to see your old friend Severus again," Dumbledore stated, his eyes glaring at me over his glasses.
"You probably know each other very well from your school days?" Professor Sinistra now asked.
"Yeah, but we lost our contact after school," I replied.
"Out of sight doesn't mean out of mind, does it?" said Dumbledore with a smirk. His eyes locked on me and Severus. Professor McGonagall seemed to take the hint too because she almost choked on her fried chicken. Her gaze at me sharpened.
"Well, we took very different directions," Severus said quietly, but in a tone that made it clear that this topic was now closed. I looked at him gratefully, but he avoided me.
Suddenly, Minerva leaned towards me and whispered. "You know, after Dougal died, I recognized and accepted the advances of another man. It's worth looking further. Though he may not seem particularly attractive or appropriate at first." She glanced over at Severus, who stopped chewing. I swallowed.
"What do you mean?" I asked, feigning ignorance. If she recognized my feelings for Severus, then he probably already recognized them too. Did he keep silent because he didn't reply? Before I could think about it, Minerva continued.
"Well, my old boss at the Ministry, Elphinstone Urquart, proposed marriage in Madam Puddifoot's teashop in my first year as teacher in Hogwarts. But it was only after Dougal died that I accepted his repeated marriage proposal. We had amazing 3 years before a Tentacula Venemosa killed him. I have to say, even if I found him late, it was my best time with him. Especially under the sheets, if you understand." My jaw dropped. She picked up her mug of red wine and toasted me with sparkling eyes. I stopped spitting and watched with trepidation as Severus clenched his fists under the table. He was clearly avoiding my gaze.
And he didn't visit me in the Greenhouse for the next few days and seemed dismissive when I met him. He knows it, crossed my mind as he greeted me in the Great Hall at breakfast with just a stiff nod. He knows it and he doesn't return my feelings. I could barely get a bite out of my breakfast. I got nauseous and dizzy.
"Are you all right? You look so pale today." Minerva asked me with raised eyebrows.
"Yes, yes, it's nothing," I answered quickly, poking at my scrambled eggs. When I looked up again, I saw Severus quickly looked away from me. I got up and hurried towards the exit when I heard familiar footsteps behind me.
"One moment, please," said the soft voice behind me. Startled, I turned around and met the dark eyes I loved so much.
"Can we meet at the Black Lake tonight under my tree? I have to talk to you. It's urgent," he said quietly so only I could hear him. I nodded uneasily and he rushed on to the dungeon stairs with his billowing black cloak behind him. I swallowed and felt my knees go weak and my heart pound against my chest. Thoughts rushed at me inside. I knew, it was time. I had to tell him tonight. I needed reassurance and if he was going to reject me and my feelings, I would have to make a choice. Could I continue to be a teacher and friend alongside him? Can I stay at Hogwarts despite these strong unrequited feelings?
But I tried to pull myself together. At least for the upcoming lessons and my students. Suddenly Professor Trelawney staggered toward me as I was about to go to my office to get the students' corrected essays for the next class. She has been teaching divination at Hogwarts for several years, which, even when I was at school, seemed like a meaningless holdover from days gone by. So I avoided her acquaintance, which wasn't difficult for me since she mostly stayed in her tower anyway.
She smelled like cheap cooking sherry as she suddenly clutched at me as she passed. Her voice sounded strange and she stared past me into space.
"The man who serves two masters will die if the hidden lover is not prepared for the poison of a Maledictus. On the day when the boy who lives sacrifices himself."
"Sybill, what are you talking about?" I asked her, shocked and irritated. But she continued to stare into space and repeated her words before suddenly coughing loudly.
"Oh, sorry, my dear, did you ask me something?", she replied and looked at me with bewildered big eyes.
"What do you mean with `the man who serves two masters`?"
"Darling, I didn't say anything of the sort. Are you alright? You look pale." she replied.
I eyed her closely. Around her body she wore some glittering veil-like scarves. Countless necklaces and strings of beads hung around her long neck, and her arms and hands were adorned with clasps and rings. She looked the same as ever, but she couldn't seem to remember what she said.
"Yeah, maybe," I answered curtly.
"You know, I see a dark figure around you that completely absorbs you. Either flee or accept them. You should make up your mind soon though," she said in her usual ethereal voice.
"Yes, thanks Sybill. I have to hurry now. I still have to go to the Greenhouses."
"Of course. I won't stop you. I was just on my way back to my tower. Just wanted to take something away, you know?" And she floated past me. I watched her thoughtfully before returning to my job as a teacher. But the whole time I thought about the meeting with Severus that evening.