Baby, this love
I'll never let it die
Can't be touched by no one
I'd like to see 'em try
I'm a mad man for your touch,
girl, I've lost control
I'm gonna make this last forever,
don't tell me it's impossible
'Cause I love you for infinity
I love you for infinity
Oh, darling, my soul
You know it aches for yours
And you've been filling this hole
- Infinity by Jaymes Young
The next morning, Severus didn't show up for breakfast or lunch, so that I felt a certain tension throughout the morning and during the meals I stared at the enchanted ceiling where the storm sweeping across the landscape and blowing heavy clouds overhead merged with my state of mind. Severus was really so pissed off that he skipped breakfast and lunch to avoid having to look me in the eye, to avoid me. I was a little amused because it reminded me a lot of our school days and I found myself in that predicament of silence again. But my thoughts were with the man with his cloak billowing all morning, and luckily I had already finished my curriculum for the first few weeks in the last days of the summer holidays. So, I didn't have to think about this part of teaching anymore and the students could still learn from me although my heart wasn't in it, at least not today. But otherwise I actually found joy in teaching and the students at Hogwarts.
I knew things couldn't go on like this, I had to talk to Severus about our dispute as soon as possible. And I knew he felt the same way. So, Severus should understand me, although I suspected he did and just didn't want to admit it. He was sometimes quite stubborn, but so was I in some matters.
During my free period I went slowly down into the dungeons, where a cold breeze blew up against me. The Gryffindor students in the hallways mumbled their way out of the dungeons, their faces pale and filled with dislike. I suspected Severus was taking his frustration out on them. What would become of the students if he was just as frustrated in my absence? I bit my lower lip and took the small bend in his office and knocked loudly. I heard no answer, so I slowly pushed the doorknob, but the door wouldn't open.
"Alohomora."; I whispered, tapping the lock with my wand but nothing happened. I grinned, knowing he likes it more complicated and safer, so that students can't easily get in. It had to be something only more experienced wizards and witches could do.
"Fusesabiit," I thought, because the spell had to be cast unsaid, which not everyone could do. I heard a soft click and slowly opened the door.
Severus was sitting in his chair, but he didn't look up when I entered. Instead, his hand darted across the parchment in front of him, annotating the essay through he knew perfectly well that it was me who wanted to talk to him.
"Severus?" I whispered, trying not to sound upset but friendly and approachable, but he didn't answer, didn't move, or gave me any vague sign that he even saw me. I closed my eyes briefly in anger that he was acting like a stubborn little kid. It's not that I didn't know it from him, but especially in the last year he rarely tended to such childish outbursts, on the contrary he has recently found more access to himself, his thoughts and emotions and was often enough ready to share them with me. And now it was as if he had been thrown back to our youth at Hogwarts when we both fell in silence and ignored each other in frustration instead of talking about whatever was bothering us.
Finally, we no longer threw 16 years old, and our connection was now moving with an intensity that I had always dreamed of but never thought possible.
What would it have changed if only one of us had opened his mouth back then? Luckily, I now possessed a little more mature ideas and knew that the first step could come from me. I opened my eyes again and Severus was still sitting in front of me, his hand kept scribbling and his gaze averted from mine.
"Severus, can we discuss why you have reservations about me working as a healer and initiating Remus in my whereabouts?" I suggested bluntly. Abruptly he turned to me, his eyes were wide and red. Why? Was he crying? Before I could ask him, he slapped the tabletop loudly with both flat hands
"Isn't that obvious for someone like you? Don't you always say you know and understand me?" he asked angrily, I was shocked by this violence and pulled under it all over my body. Seeing this, he sank back into his chair and closed his eyes. He bowed his head and took a deep breath to steady himself.
I watched him with my mouth open, but I was ready to go deep into my thoughts and into my heart. It went through me like lightning, I knew it and despite his outburst because I felt deep down that Severus was right.
"You don't want to lose me.", I whispered. I felt what was moving inside Severus because it was dangerous telling Remus where I was when the time came, because my good friend would try to win me back as a member of the Order of the phoenix and he would be suspicious if I refused. And I had lied to myself if I said it was all about helping Remus. I just couldn't allow myself a passive role in a new fight against Voldemort. I wanted to fight active, because Voldemort had taken too much from me last time and now, he had the life of the man I loved in his hands. I couldn't stand idly by while everything I needed and loved was in danger.
"Do you really find it that hard to sit back and relax?" Severus asked me with raised eyebrows, his voice softer now.
"That's the question asked by the man who takes the greatest risk of all of us." I replied bitterly, for the danger he was about to expose himself Dumbledore was not even exposed to. On the contrary, Dumbledore was secure in his chair at Hogwarts while Severus was the one risking it all.
Severus eyes narrowed and he fixed me, his face whitening. I had punched in the middle of his sore spot, and I was immediately sorry. Of course, he already knew. It was the reason why he hesitated for so long to reveal his true feelings for me. It was the reason for his nightmares, dark thoughts, sleepless nights and restlessness.
We were silent for a moment, and I kept my eyes down. Then I heard Severus get up and walk towards me, I felt his hands on my shoulders. The warmth flowed through my whole body and made me relax again.
"Look at me!" he said, and I slowly raised my head to look into his deep black eyes I loved so much.
"If that's what makes you happy, so let it be. It is also this strength in you that I love so much about you. That you don't care what others think, you go your way that makes you happy. And I am grateful that this path includes me." he said and there was so much affection in his eyes that it almost blew my mind. I reached out to him to steady myself, my hands resting on his chest so I could feel the movement of his body with each breath. And I felt like a traitor, still.
"I wasn't strong enough when you needed me, Severus. But I went with Lily, it was the easier way." I breathed and avoided his eyes.
"No, it was the right path off my dark passage that led me into the hands of a killer. And I might have taken you and led you to your death. No, you were strong when you decided against me. And now you are strong because you stand up for your principles. And I'm trying not to be so selfish and want you for just me. I just want to ask you to take as few risks as possible and have as few contacts as necessary. The fewer who know where and who you are, what you are doing, the better off we are. Do you understand that?" His voice was soft and warm because genuinely cared for me. I knew I was the only person who got the pleasure of hearing him talk like that. And I also knew that he was right about everything, I risked both of our luck by going after my plans, but so did he, apparently.
"Yes, you are right. But I can't do nothing all the time when there's another war raging. When witches und wizards fight the Dark Lord and die. If Remus and you risk your lives…" I trailed off, my voice cracking at the thought of these risks and these horrific opportunities that lay ahead in our future.
"You are scared?" he asked me, and lifted my chin and looking at me inquiringly.
"Any day that approaches, I fear," I said quietly. "Not you?"
"Only since I wanted to get out of the war alive. Since you've been in my life, I've been scared. And that's exactly what's giving me a headache," he answered, trying to keep his voice monotonous, so that I would not look for the guilt with me, but it was I who did not fit into his previous plans of self-sacrifice. I knew it was hard for him to have me by his side. A target, which made him vulnerable. A weakness. But I wanted to prove to him that I wasn't really that, rather a support that made his life easier. I opened my mouth to say just that, but he started speaking again in front of me.
"I wanted to apologize to you," he said softly, pretending to take an interest in the glasses behind me. "I treated you horribly and not like I should. The reason I haven't told you about the things that bother me is not just because I didn't want to burden you, but because I'm not used to having that type of relationship."
I appreciated his apology and smiled a little bit.
"It's okay, Severus. I know you've had a tough time in that area. But the more you don't tell me about your fears and problems, the more I become sad. You should know that you are more important to me than anything else. Your suffering is my suffering." I replied gently.
"All my life I've been taught that relationships are dangerous," Severus explained, now meeting my eyes. "Telling others about worries and problems was considered impolite in my family or in Slytherin in general. My experience has taught me that when I confided in even the closest people like Lily, the expectation came true that whatever I said would later be used against me."
I saw him struggling, his body shaking slightly and I wanted to embrace him, flood him with my love, but he held out a hand as I approached him.
"Severus, I..." I whispered, my breath caught.
"And with you, it's very different from what I knew in the past. You are everything I never dared to hope for, even though I longed for you in those long dark nights. Who knows how many times I've said your name on fell asleep on my lips. And no matter what the cost, nothing will come between us. Neither does the Dark Lord. And I'll do anything to be with you forever." I nodded to show him I understood, understood him.
Severus quickly hugged me and my tears fell onto his shoulder, but he withstood me and my emotions.
"I still have time to work on it. I do that all the time. For you. For us." He whispered, gently pushing my hair out of my face. Damn, he's always found the right words to melt me and calm me down lately. Apparently, I was now the one who needed his confidence and not the other way around. I hugged him tightly, inhaling his scent that was so familiar by now, that was my home.
"I knew the free time together would be worth it," he whispered, kissing me gently before lifting me onto his desk. With a wave of my wand, the door locked, and his wand sent out a muffliato before Severus kissed me passionately and unzipped the dress in one go with one hand. I groaned at the thought of what would follow. He grinned meaningfully at me.
"Every move you make, every delicious sound that leaves your lips drives me insane. You put a spell on me, you know that?" he breathed in my ear before sliding my dress down in one motion, exposing my torso.
Eagerly his eyes travelled over my breasts before Severus kissed them gently and licked my nipples.
I fumbled with his pants, but he immediately helped me, sliding them off his lower body in one motion.
I closed my eyes and wished his hands were all over me at once, covering every inch of my skin as his hands stroked my torso.
But his touch was enough and the fire between my thighs spread, I suddenly got wet. I took his right hand and guided it between my legs.
Severus smiled and his eyes sparkled maliciously. He was so good and got me wet so quickly because he knew exactly how to do it. We had learned from each other, knew what the other loved, desired and what made our bodies tremble with lust.
My other hand was now trying to find access to his torso, which I touched as I slipped under his buttoned white shirt. Until I couldn't take it anymore and I literally ripped it apart from his body as he continued to massage me between my legs.
"Not so bold, my strong woman," he said with a grin, kissing my lips again before I felt his cock swing in me in one hard move. My walls throbbed with the pleasure of his rubbing.
I gasped at the rapid entry, causing Severus to move lower and faster. His movements were so intense that he groaned out loud himself.
To keep his frequency, he supported both arms next to me and pushed his penis into me more and more. A small pain accompanied his movements, but it did not detract from my excitement.
I locked my eyes into his as I felt my climax approaching, I knew how much he enjoyed seeing and feeling it. Already my walls began to rhythmically open and close before a loud moan escaped my mouth.
My legs began to tremble and already I heard Severus and felt his hot cum stretching inside me before he let his head down his chest.
"I love you for infinity, Catherine." he whispered lovingly in my ear before sinking into my deep embrace. We lay tightly wrapped around each other and in my head these wonderful words of his echoed again and again. The first time he'd said it out loud. I knew of course that he loved me, he showed it with many gestures and said it in other ways. But I felt it had a profound meaning for him to tell me at that moment. He finally trusted me completely.
The next few weeks passed very harmoniously. We settled upon not further questioning the unusual connection of our wands, and Severus agreed that I would return to work as a Healer after this school year until Lord Voldemort made his public appearance again. Who knows how many years it would take until then?
It was difficult for Severus to come to terms with his concern for me, but he knew I would wither like a plant without light. Voldemort had taken too much from us all. Even though I was scared, I knew that Severus was taking the greatest risk of all of us. And so, I with him.
"What are you working on so late?" his voice asked softly as he saw me hunched over a cauldron in my office. He knocked four times before opening my door, just as we had agreed to know it was us.
I was just grinding the moonweed I was growing in the Greenhouse into a finer powder and putting it in the cauldron where it suddenly hissed and turned the potion purple.
"Wolfsbane," I sighed, turning the flame under the cauldron back to the set level.
It was indeed a difficult potion to prepare, not forgiving the slightest inaccuracy. Now the potion should simmer for exactly 4 minutes before I could add the Myrrh, pickled in carrow spider ichor.
"Should I take a look? I've already read through the instructions." Severus said, walking towards me. I looked up and saw his face, his eyes resting on me and my dark circles.
"You know who it's for?" I asked quietly.
"Of course, unless you keep such furry news from me?" he sneers and bent over my cauldron. "Well, I don't think you've made a mistake so far. But if you don't add the next ingredient in exactly 2 minutes 43 seconds, it's all worthless."
I sighed and with a wave of my hand I held my already bewitched myrrh under his nose.
"I'm not stopping you, Severus." I gasped, because this potion had kept me breathless for the last few hours and it wasn't easy for me to hang so concentrated over a cauldron for 5 hours at a time. I slumped into the chair next to my work table and eyed Severus. He rolled up his sleeves and took a quick sniff in the cauldron before examining the quality of my already chopped myrrh again.
He nodded in agreement, waited a few moments and dropped the ingredient into the simmering potion, immediately increasing the flame again, stirring the potion counterclockwise three times and I closed my teary eyes. Severus was clearly more capable than me. It wasn't a surprise, since he was the Potions teacher in Hogwarts. And even in our school time he had this extremely good instinct, and I did not know anyone who could have been his equal in our school days. Only that he liked to hide his skills. His grades were excellent, but I saw the many marginal notes on his textbook and knew even then that Severus was simply gifted in this subject, even if Slughorn put him on a par with Lily. She was a good learner and had a certain flair, but Severus was equal, if not better, than Slughorn himself in this time at Hogwarts. I knew why he preferred to keep it to himself, he was like me. Just don't draw attention to you because it could be used against you...our parents taught us that lesson, after all.
I reminded myself again how Severus, back in school, always knew when the potions were ready even without having a clock, and it was the way he examined the ingredients to see if they were suitable for that potion. I had occasionally observed him simply selecting the roots he used. It was the subject that sparked his passion, just as it was for me to work with plants, as I loved to make them sprout, harvest the pods and express them. What was more satisfying than squeezing out a Bubotuber's puss?
I opened my eyes to see him add a few more ingredients to the potion and now let it simmer again. The potion had already turned the prescribed blue colour. He glanced at me and a crooked smile formed on his narrow face.
"Just relax a bit and I'll finish this. Then we'll enjoy our evening together." he said in a low voice, his eyes sparkling at the thought, and he ran them over my body briefly.
"I'll have to send it to Remus right away with an owl, time is of the essence," I whispered weakly.
"You know that the potion works best when brewed fresh every day?" Severus asked quietly while reducing the flame again.
"Yeah, but I can't do this every day," I replied with a sigh. The instructions said it would keep for a week if stored under certain conditions, which I didn't put it past Remus.
"You mean Lupin doesn't need perfection?" Severus asked, raising an eyebrow, and slicing the final ingredient into half-inch long strips with frightening speed.
"Severus, no one does this as perfectly as you do," I replied, looking at him appreciatively. He knew the potion would need to be stirred at varying heats and intervals for the next 2 hours. He smiled and I closed my eyes again to sink into a dreamless sleep slowly.
When I woke up, I lay in my bed. I turned around in confusion and saw Severus sleeping next to me, holding a hand from mine that held a note hidden in it. I carefully unfolded it so that he wouldn't wake up and then I read.
"Don't worry, I sent the Wolfsbane Potion to Lupin immediately. Go back to sleep and dream of our carefree future, because it's what I work on every day."
I stared at his tight and tiny handwriting. Those few lines were full of love because he knew how important it was to me, that he got Remus the necessary potion in time, warmed my heart. And I felt that he would support me every month to help my friend out of his miserable situation. I dropped the note in my bedside table and turned back to the man I'd loved so dearly for so many years. Gently I removed a strand of black hair that was falling across his forehead, because I wanted to see his face, which was showing a slight smile. I was so happy.
/You've been through 32 chapters with me so far. You have experienced how Severus and Catherine grew closer only to break up in an argument, how they lived through the first war under Voldemort and had different experiences, only to finally rediscover each other and finally be able to find and live out their love properly. However, they know that Voldemort will enter the future of the two again.
Until then, I hope you're ready to experience a few more chapters of a relatively carefree time before things get serious. Severus will be torn between protecting Harry, spying on the greatest wizard of his time and fearing for a future together with the love of his life. During this time, Catherine has to make some decisions about whether and how to support the fight against Voldemort (always in the light of secrecy). I have some future chapters that look at the time and history of the book from the perspective of the two.
Thank you for reading :)/