The truth is rare
Like nature blue
It cuts too deep
To ever return
Some don't look back
CO2 on our necks
We can't outrun
Demons of our past
Who are you when you're on your own?
Who are you with nowhere to go?
Who are you when you're haunted by the ruin?
Who are you in your darkest dreams?
Who are you with the loss of seems?
Who are you when you're caught between the truth
And what you thought you knew?
The ash falls
Like floating rain
Darkened grey
On the window pane
What you save
Your younger self
From a burning building
Or would you hope for help?
- Who are you by mehro
After a few days with Remus in my old apartment in London, I said goodbye for my final semester as a Professor at Hogwarts.
"Thank you for being with me. It's good not to be alone this time of year. Now that I don't even have my father anymore, it's gotten even lonelier since he passed away 3 years ago." Remus said quietly, trying to force a smile of gratitude.
"Oh Remus, it goes without saying that I'll be there for you if you need me," I said, hugging him tightly.
"I am grateful for so many things about you. It's not something to be taken for granted to be friends with a werewolf, give him the own apartment, find him a job and spend Christmas with him. You are my light in the dark." he said hoarsely, hugging me tightly and my eyes got wet.
"That's probably one of the perks of coming from a muggle family. I'm not interested that you have your furry problem as long as you're true to yourself and such a wonderful person, Remus." I answered truthfully, trying to sound confident.
"Mh, furry problem. That's what James and Sirius used to call it, remember?" Remus asked quietly, his eyes shining.
"Yes, of course," I said, putting my hand on his shoulder and giving it a little squeeze.
"I miss James and Peter. And Sirius...he...it's like he died that night too." His voice was thick and cracked when he tried to say something else, so he just shook his head.
"I know. We will all remain in our hearts, Remus. Do you knew of our last year at school, when we're in the study breaks-"
"And flooded the common room with stink bombs to keep us alone-"
"Or how James organized some school brooms and we all secretly took a trip to this muggle bar that Sirius was dying to show us."
"But only because of that pretty waitress. What was her name again?" Remus asked and laughed.
"I think it was Emma. Wasn't she the reason Sirius got hold of that muggle motorcycle and then magically tweaked it later?" I asked, thinking of that noisy flying machine.
"Yes, of course. He wanted to impress her with it. And Lily had too much to drink that night and rode the broomstick with James on the way back."
"Who kidnapped her almost overnight. Do you know where they were then? Lily didn't want to tell me." I asked.
"James told of a cave near Hogwarts, but nothing more. They probably had a cozy night there together."
"I thought so, the way Lily giggled when I asked her." I laughed at the sight of her like it was yesterday. She stood in front of me, her red hair falling to her shoulders, her light green eyes shining at the thought of the night with James. I envied her a little for that - not for James, but for the infinite love she felt and received at that moment. I had no idea that one day I would also be able to enjoy this and then with the person I had longed for back then.
Remus' eyes lit up at those old memories. It was about time that he could create new beautiful memories. And it hurts me that he felt so lonely, but I couldn't be with him all the time. At least not for the next few months. And as if Remus had read my mind, his face froze, and his laughter stopped.
"Tell him thank you very much for letting you go to be with me at Christmas." Remus said suddenly, looking sad, and I raised my eyebrows questioningly.
"I mean your boyfriend. It must have been difficult for him to spend time without you." Remus explained, looking at me inquiringly.
"Don't say boyfriend, it makes me feel like I was in my early 20s when Gideon was. And we both know we're in our 30s now." I said mock serious with a smile on my face. Because Severus felt like not only my boyfriend, rather the man I would spend the rest of my entire life with and who was with me forever no matter what should lie in our future.
"Yes, you are right. We are no longer children. And at least you have found this happiness of love." Remus said, sadly looking down at his own feet, as if finding confirmation there that he would be alone forever.
"Remus, you know she's out there somewhere. And when she walks into your life, you'll know it," I told him, desperately hoping he finally realized how precious he was. But I knew Remus needed an extraordinary woman who could make him laugh and thus lighten his load. A woman strong enough for his self-doubt and who didn't care what general wizarding society thought of half-breeds like Remus.
"But then what should I offer her? A life of loathing and rejection?" he asked in a shaky voice. This would be something that would always weigh on him and I wondered if he could ever be light-hearted. I bit my lower lip painfully at the thought. That couldn't be, he had earned his luck. Just like me.
"You and your love, Remus," I said.
He narrowed his eyes at me, his mouth parted slightly in amazement.
"It's all a woman wants. Trust me," I replied and I fervently hoped that there would be someone out there just like that.
"Your partner is really a luckiest one. Tell him that with my thanks for the past few days with you, okay?" he said with a small smile, which I liked a lot and in that moment, I knew there had to be a woman who would love him for exactly what he was.
"I am going to tell him. But he knows I care about you, Remus," I replied, nodding briefly as if to give my words more weight.
"It's about time we got to know each other, then, isn't it?" Remus prompted hoarsely, his green eyes narrowing. I knew he was dying to meet Severus. But how should I do that? Surely Remus would take the shock of who he was sooner than I thought. But then how would Severus be in danger? If Remus knew our connection that we kept so tightly secret? I knew that when Voldemort returned, Remus would be one of the first to join the new order. He would again take great risks to stop this monster, he could be captured, tortured, the Imperius... everything would be in jeopardy. Our whole plan, Harry... our future. No, it was definitely too dangerous, even though I would love to tell him everything about my great love. If only because I knew that both of them had a completely wrong picture of each other. Even if it was just dislike for Remus, it was clearly more than that for Severus. His black eyes still lit up with disgust when I mentioned his name. Sometimes I thought if there hadn't been house rivalries at Hogwarts in our young days- they both might actually have been friends.
"He and I aren't quite ready for this, I'm afraid," I heard myself answer instead uncertain. I tried to smile, but I saw it in his eyes, he was starting to worry about me.
"Remus, I swear, he makes me really happy, he cares about me and he truly loves me. He is the one." I tried to explain, and Remus searched my eyes to see if I was telling the truth.
"I understand. But if that changes, I'll be there for you, yes?" Remus said, looking at me seriously, checking every movement of my face with his eyes, but I couldn't help but smile a little. He really was my best friend next to Severus himself. I nodded and we were silent for a little moment.
"So, we'll see each other in the summer holidays?" Remus asked to relax the tension.
I hadn't told him that I was leaving Hogwarts, and I thought it better to write it in the next letter knowing where my path would take me this year.
Our conversation was suddenly interrupted by the arrival of a tawny owl, which had a letter tied to its foot and immediately demanded our attention as it banged against the glass window.
Remus quickly ran to the window and opened it, reaching out for the bird and bringing it inside. But he pecked his hand and fluttered excitedly to me.
Eyebrows raised; I untied the letter that had my name written on it in light blue ink. The seal told me the sender.
"You are expecting a letter?" Remus asked.
"Yes, hopefully with good news," I said, carefully unfolding the letter.
"It's a good thing the owl got here in time." Remus stated and looked at the bleeding bite mark on his finger with a pained expression on his face. However, with the wave of his wand, it healed instantly. As I read the letter, I saw Remus peering at it curiously, but it didn't bother me.
'You've been offered a job at St. Mungo's in the treatment for potions and plant poisoning department? Why?" Remus asked, frowning in irritation, causing deep wrinkles to form.
"I asked for a job and this one seems perfect, doesn't it? It's also only a part-time job, so I can mostly work during the day. I mentioned in my inquiry that I can no longer endure shift work.". I explained to Remus and quickly refolded the letter to stuff it in a side pocket. In truth, I needed the free evenings and nights for other things.
"But you were so happy as a teacher at Hogwarts! Why are you trading that in?" Remus asked, looking at me closely.
"I need another challenge, Remus. I guess I'm a bit unsettled professionally, am I?" I said evasively, unable to tell him the truth. Because Severus and I thought it best if Harry didn't hear about me and let Severus and Dumbledore look after his well-being alone. I knew as soon as I saw the boy I would take him home. Wanting to be a mother to him and that would make me the best target Voldemort ever had. I would also be a danger to the boy, something that would leave him vulnerable, not to mention Severus, which would thwart any plans. I sighed hard at all the thoughts I was having at the moment, which made Remus even more suspicious. I had to distract him.
"Looks like you'll have a new roommate by the end of the summer, Remus." I grinned at him.
"How do you mean that? Of course, I will move out! It's out of the question that you have to share your apartment with me," he said quickly.
"Oh Remus, please. Don't you think we've always been a good team? We'll manage to live harmoniously together!" I said with raised eyebrows.
"You know what I turn into once a month," he said softly, looking at the ground in front of him.
"We have the Wolfsbane Potion." I said, still grinning slightly, but the serious face of Remus, along with a dose of pain in his green eyes, froze it.
"No, you knew the deal. As long as you're a Professor at Hogwarts and have the ingredients available! I won't accept the potion from you anymore later.", he replied decisively.
"But..." I began, but he immediately cut me off.
"No, I won't be a burden to you. I'm not a weakness in your life!" he said, shaking his head. I understood him all too well, because that's how I felt about the life of Severus, considering the danger he's in once Voldemort reappears. I thought about the words Gideon said to Fabian and me after fighting the Death Eaters. With us at his side, the fight was difficult for him. He was so scared for both of us that he couldn't really concentrate. A weakness. And I thought that this could now be me for Severus as well. I had to prevent that. I had to get stronger.
"And if I'm not here during the days?" I asked, thinking of the lonely cottage by the sea, many miles from London, but what was Floo powder for? I was annoyed that I hadn't thought of it sooner. Then Remus could have stayed here. But he would certainly have been quick to wonder where I would live if not here while I was working at St Mungo's. And this cottage had to remain secret.
I sighed in resignation. The thought of Remus having to exist somewhere homeless again tormented me. I couldn't allow that.
"But we'll find something else for you first, Remus! It doesn't happen that you're homeless, that's clear!" I said this time in a decisive tone and a small smile spread on my friend's lips.
He nodded.
"By then you'll get lots of owls with letters and the Wolfsbane Potion, I promise." I said, seeing a grateful smile on his face again. At least he should be supplied with that for the next few months, when Severus would help me, and the ingredients were mostly grown in the castle or found in the Forbidden Forest.
I hugged Remus again in our goodbye, then I grabbed my holdall and some Floo Powder and stepped into the fireplace. Everything was spinning around me, I got a little dizzy and I closed my eyes before I came to a stop on a chimney. I sighed with relief. My way took me straight into the Three Broomsticks at Hogsmeade.
There, in a far corner of the old pub, a man in a long black cloak was waiting. He got up as soon as he saw me. I smiled briefly at the thought of how long he had been waiting for me there. I just told him I was going to be arriving in the three broomsticks with the Floo Network this afternoon. With a flick of my wand, the ash was gone from my long robes and then I stride towards the man, fighting back the need to press him against me, to press my lips to his. Instead, we gave each other a short nod, but our eyes sparkled meaningfully while he took my bag from me, and we walked up to the castle together.
Severus first wanted to know what Remus was up to at the moment, before he asked me what was on his lips.
"How was your visit to Prewett's grave?" he asked in a low voice, but I recognized that odd undertone his voice took on when he held back jealousy. Still, it didn't necessarily make me feel bad knowing that after our 3 year relationship, he could still be jealous of someone long ago in my life.
"I got to say goodbye to him like I intended. And I met Molly." I said bluntly while he touched his hand lightly to mine. Unobtrusive enough for the oncoming two witches on their way through Hogsmeade, but I knew that was his way of showing that he was with me, and it gave me a woolly warmth next to the spark his touch always gave me.
"Molly? Which Molly?" he asked, looking at me confused.
"Gideon's sister and mother of the 2 toughest twins who have ever sabotaged your class." I explained and he nodded.
"Weasley," he said curtly, his pale face twisting in disgust at the thought of the two troublemakers.
"I gave her back Gideon's ring, it was a family heirloom," I continued.
"Wouldn't you like to keep it as a memento?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrows and fixing his gaze on my features.
"That was before us. And now I know I've never owned that damn ring. It was never mine because Gideon could never ask me to marry him and put this ring on my finger. And maybe one of the Weasley sons can use it. Surely Bill will soon find a girl he likes and then he could make it."
I concluded and a slight smile twisted my mouth as Severus strained to explore the emotions on my face.
"Oh, Severus, it's all good. Really. I've accepted the past and I would never have found you without it. And without you...I wouldn't be happy." I said softly, blushing like a blush at my last words young schoolgirl. Severus grinned to himself at the sight.
And we were silent for a moment until we turned an empty corner, there was nobody here because the path led directly to the castle.
On the way there, Severus pulled me behind a lonely clump of trees abruptly, wrapped his arms around me and kissed me deeply. I had missed him so terribly that I sank into his embrace, tasting his lips and inhaling his scent. I felt him excitedly ruffle my hair, which fell loose and long past my waist. He seemed to feel the same way. Severus had missed me just as much in those few days as I had missed him. But the weather was so uncomfortable that we were able to take a break and continued up to the castle. Even though my hair was messy, it could certainly be attributed to the whipping wind.
"What did I miss in Hogwarts?" I asked on the way up. The news from St. Mungo I would tell Mungo to him later because I felt he had something important on his mind that he wanted to share with me.
"I want to show you." Severus said quietly and before we went into the Entrance Hall, he silently led me to the Dark Lake. We walked past the Greenhouses glistening under the frost, past the Whomping Willow and quickly came to a large tree that often gave Severus shade while he was reading at school and from which you could see my bush quite well, which lay on the opposite side and where I had often taken refuge.
Severus stopped at the tree and looked at me expectantly.
"What?" I asked, slowly turning in every direction but finding nothing out of the ordinary.
"You'll have to find out for yourself." Severus said softly, his eyes twinkling at me. I smiled because it was exciting to be welcomed like that, even though we were only apart for a short time. And I knew exactly what could help me in my search. Magic.
"Revelio," I said to my wand, and the tree trunk suddenly flashed blue before my spell wore off. I went closer to the tree trunk and found something engraved in it.
"You said that when you leave Hogwarts nothing of you remains. I wanted to change that," he said quietly and watched carefully as I recognized the initials and gently traced them with my fingers, framed by a heart.
"C&S- Severus, this is the tree where-"
"The tree where you first found me hanging upside down. At this point I have often observed you, you were lost in thought in a book, your long hair blowing in the wind or falling over your shoulder and glistening in the sun. This is where I made the biggest mistake of my life calling Lily and you a mudblood. And that big mistake led me to the next big mistake, to join the Dark Lord. But it's the point where I realized in our sixth school year that I had to think about you a lot more than about any other person. I held a book in front of me, which I could barely read without being distracted by thoughts of your smile, the shaping of your full lips, your eyes that brightened when I made a sarcastic remark. Every detail of your face caught my eye as I sat under that tree." He explained in a low and quiet voice and looked at me standing there with my mouth open.
Heck, he had discovered his romantic side and it just blew my mind because it wasn't cheesy, it was just genuine like everything about him.
And I wanted to kiss Severus immediately, but he raised his hand defensively and pointed to some students who were walking towards the castle from the lake. I nodded. So, we preferred to go back to the castle. Even if it would take a lot of effort to wait until after supper to undress him and reward him for this wonderful gesture.