Love and life
Beauty couldn't even begin to describe
Young and wise
Don't know who I'd be without you by my side
You were my everything
'Til the daylight died
I may change
But I'll never love anyone the same
Give, take away
You are the hand that feeds me
Live every day with joy
Like we're on vacation
- The same by mehro
The Great Hall was full of students when I entered. Severus had already gone ahead and I had taken my bag to my room. Because as usual, it shouldn't be noticed that Severus couldn't wait for my arrival, that we wanted to hug each other as soon as possible, hear each other's voices, sink into each other's eyes. Apparently, we both didn't take separation very well. I dreaded the coming days when that would be necessary. On the other hand, those days would certainly be far away.
And without unpacking, I stormed off to dinner. I wanted to get with this over quickly and finally put my arms around this incredible man with black hair and dark eyes.
A few heads turned to look at me, including some redheads at the Gryffindor table, to which I nodded briefly. I almost became their tutor, almost stayed here forever. But it shouldn't be. I choked back a few tears at that thought and rushed to the teacher's table.
Severus had already finished his meal and had his head in his hands to watch and enjoy my arrival. He smiled the faintest bit, but I recognized his amusement.
"Oh, there you are again. How were your holidays with Remus Lupin? Did you have a pleasant time together?" Minerva asked me as I sat down like she was dying to know more, and I heard her question make Severus cough briefly. We both seemed to understand her insinuation.
"Yes, thank you. It's always nice to visit an old friend," I said daringly and I leaned forward in my chair to look at the many delicious dishes in front of me, which made my mouth water. I was spooning mashed potatoes onto my gold plate when Minerva interrupted me again.
"The headmaster has informed us all meanwhile that you will be leaving us after this term. That's too bad, I had hoped you would stay. You've blended in so well here – with the students and teachers," she said and turned to me, obviously having finished dinner as well and now she aspires to fill her time at the table with conversation.
"Thank you, Minerva. But I don't see myself in this role as a teacher forever. I tried it because I wanted something new in my life, but it... doesn't satisfy me." I lied, trying to look serious. It was quite clearly the opposite of what I was really feeling.
"Maybe you're right and you'll find more joy elsewhere. But there are some promising candidates who have already responded to the Daily Prophet's announcement.", Minerva said happily at the thought of getting to know a new life story in the quorum. I groaned softly because if it was in the Daily Prophet the students would already know about it and I would have to explain - or at least have something made up - by the first day of school after this Christmas break. This thought made me nervous, because I would have liked to keep it a secret for a while, enjoy the normal time here.
"Mh, very unfortunate anyway. Well, I assume you're staying in contact with Severus?" she asked, tilting her head in his direction. Severus almost choked on his drink.
"What makes you think so, Minerva?" Severus asked quietly, trying to look blank like a wall.
"Well, you've become good friends here, so I figured you two would keep in touch," she said light heartedly, sipping her drink.
"Our friendship is more collegial, Minerva. The way my friendships are here in general." he sneers and sounded so that even I almost believed him. I found it impressive how much he could control himself in such moments, but it also saddened me that he seemed so well practiced. That it was necessary in his life to hide his true feelings and thoughts behind a wall of denial. But I also knew that it was something that defined him now. He didn't like to share things when we were young and had perfected it as an adult.
"Oh Severus, you´re always so closed off. You should get over this, it's not making anyone happy." Minerva said, looking seriously at Severus. Was she a little tipsy? She was clearly drinking red wine, but it was uncharacteristic for her to be tipsy in front of the students unless it was Christmas.
"I think that's what Severus is all about, and he shouldn't bend over backwards. For nobody." I stated clearly, saving Severus from this awkward situation.
"Perhaps you are right, Catherine. Well..." she said, looking around the board. "When will the desserts finally come?"
Severus smiled gratefully at me, but in a way only I could read the twitch in the corners of his mouth, knowing I was serious about what I said to Minerva.
Dumbledore suddenly clapped his hands briefly and the main courses were replaced with tarts, cakes and puddings. And I took that as a clear indication that Dumbledore, although seated a few seats away, had been listening to our conversation with Minerva.
Sighing, I turned to what little hearty food was left on my plate. When I looked up, because I felt that not only Severus was looking at me, I saw that a red-haired boy was still watching me at the Gryffindor table. Surely Charlie Weasley was one of the students who would have a question regarding my departure from Hogwarts. I gave him a quick grin before turning to my mashed potatoes again.
After dinner I waited in my private rooms what felt like an eternity until there was a light knock on my door. I opened the door to my private quarters wide and grabbed Severus by the collar to quickly pull him towards me. His arms immediately wrapped around me and in the rush to feel each other we almost forgot to close the door. But I kicked it inelegantly with my foot so that at least it fell shut while his kisses burned my neck.
"I don't know who I would be without you by my side. You're my everything," he breathed as his hands slid down my back.
I quickly untied his cloak and slipped over the buttons on his frock coat, which I could undo quickly with now-practiced fingers.
The few days apart seem to have fuelled our passion even more, because we didn't make it out of my anteroom before my dress slid to the floor, as did his trousers, which landed carelessly in the corner after the shirt and frock coat…
Severus then picked me up and carefully carried me into the bedroom onto the bed, where he lay down beside me and began to play with my tousled hair while I stroked his torso gently, tracing his protruding collarbones, across his chest, on the fine muscles showing, paired with a few moles that I knew well enough to draw. I traced every detail with my fingers. His deep breathing slowed immediately, and a wide smile spread across his face, lulling me to sleep. Tomorrow we would still have enough time to talk to each other, to exchange important news about the past few days. This night, on the other hand, belonged to our union, the feeling of deep connection. It was special for us to just enjoy each other's closeness, physically and emotionally. To have simple conversations about our everyday work without the worries of the future in mind. It was so great just being together.
After a hot shower with Severus in the morning, I slowly put on my dress, which fell down to my calves. I felt his warm, still wet body press against mine from behind, his arms wrapped around my torso and his head buried itself in my long, freshly dried hair, eliminating any space that had been between our bodies.
"I long for the day when we don't have to part anymore," he whispered in my ear, causing the short hair on the back of my neck to stand up slightly in elation. "These days without you were unacceptable… how empty I felt without you." I listened to his loving words with a gentle smile and held his arms with my hands pressed even tighter to me.
"I love you, Catherine," he breathed, kissing my exposed neck gently and I closed my eyes under his gentle touch.
"And I love you, Severus," I said softly.
But the thought that I should have told him sooner often wouldn't let go of me and at that very moment it flooded back to me… that it would have kept him from his dark path. We could have been together now, just like a normal couple in love. But was it really like that? Wasn't it the prophecy Severus had heard that had stopped the Dark Lord? Maybe we would have been in the Order together, died together years ago, like my friends. I swallowed. Perhaps this fate awaited us anyway? Perhaps it has always been like this and cannot be avoided at all? How could we put our hopes in a boy who just started school at the end of this summer? The boy who was supposed to meet me. The reason I disappeared from the arms that held me so tight.
I sighed softly at the thought that our time at Hogwarts would come to an end this very summer.
"What's on your mind?" he asked quietly, stopping to kiss my neck, which I immediately regretted.
But it was time to tell him about the letter from St Mungo's.
"It's only a few months, Severus. I've got my acceptance for St. Mungo's now," I said, my mouth dry. I immediately felt him tense up and straighten up. I slowly turned to look into his eyes, to see what he was feeling and thinking. "I know that was quicker than I thought, but-"
"No, I'm not surprised. They have recognized your qualities and they know about your talent. Which department?" He asked quietly, trying to smile, even though I knew the thought of me leaving Hogwarts was as distressing to him as it was to me.
"Potions and plant poisoning department." I replied softly and saw his eyes narrow.
"Well then, in my position, I can't even pretend to spend a few weeks in the third floor in your nurturing hands." he sneers and I grin at the thought of him accidentally messing with one of his potions could poison himself just so we could spend time together in the hospital.
"I asked not to do any night shifts," I said softly, and my words didn't fail to have the effect because a genuine smile spread across his face.
"So, the nights are ours," he stated softly, gently stroking my cheek with his right hand.
"Good thing we can stock enough of our favourite potion." He said in a low voice and I thought of the golden potion called Clades Lassitudine against tiredness. The side effects haven't bothered us so far, but we both avoided bright lights and our skin turned pale. However, that was a small price to pay for being able to spend the nights together undisturbed and still getting our chores done at Hogwarts.
I nodded and we kissed again before we both started our first day with the students after vacation. And those were always particularly demanding days, because sometimes you had the feeling that heads of the students had been washed completely empty in just a few days. This, in turn, annoyed Severus a lot more than me, because I was sometimes the same as a student, especially when the thought of a black-haired classmate clouded my thoughts.
To make matters worse, I met an accusatory-looking Charlie Weasley in my first lesson, who immediately asked the question to which I had to think of an adequate answer beforehand.
"Professor, is it correct that you are leaving Hogwarts at the end of the term?" he asked loudly, his gaze fixed on me. The students who didn't yet know inhaled sharply or gasped while those in the know stared at me curiously.
"Yes, that's right Mister Weasley. But I hope you're not disappointed if I can't give you Gryffindor points for knowing that." I said, attempting to ease the situation with a laugh.
"Why, Professor?" he asked further and blushed on his ears, which in turn made me smile.
"I'm afraid the reason isn't nearly as exciting as harvesting a Venomous Tentacula. But if you'd like to know: St. Mungo's is going through a reduction and my old boss asked me to come back. I couldn't say no to that, even though I really enjoyed my time with you all.' I said and it was a little bit true. Due to the long working hours and shift work, many emergencies that required immediate action, my new department was not particularly popular with the healers. So, if anyone had relatives working at St. Mungo's, my statement could easily be corroborated.
"The students will miss you too, though," said a blonde Hufflepuff. And some bystanders murmured in agreement.
"Thank you, Miss Wenlock," I said. "But now let's get down to the important stuff. Your NEWT exam is coming up at the end of the semester and we still have a lot to learn. So, let's go!"
Of course, my sceptical-looking favourite student didn't accept my explanation. I watched with amusement out of the corner of my eye as I cleaned the soil, impatiently waiting for his classmates to leave before slowly walking toward me. I stood up before turning to face his questioning, freckled face with a grin.
"Professor, may I ask one more thing?" he began quietly, avoiding my eyes by looking at the toes of his shoes.
"Yes, Mister Weasley, go ahead!" I encouraged him.
"Are you also leaving Hogwarts because you don't feel comfortable here?" he asked in a slightly strange voice and I frowned at the thought of what students were concocting in their heads.
"What makes you think of that?" I asked him in astonishment. I had gotten along quite well with all the professors, with some like Filius and Minerva I had more contact, with others like Sybill less. While my thoughts slipped briefly to the colleague with whom I had a very gratifying amount of contact and a grin spread over my face and my cheeks turned pink.
"I don't want to cross a line, but I had the impression that some unpleasant person might have offended you.", he said quietly and now narrowed his eyes into my face. I inhaled sharply. I knew exactly what he meant by that. And if it was obvious to one student that we were close, maybe it was just as obvious to others.
"I have to disappoint you, it's nothing like that." I said with a slightly hissing voice. But I tried to understand him. He was worried because his favourite teacher was leaving school. Although at the same time I wondered why he cared when he himself would be graduating this year. But I didn't think it wise to ask further and give him the impression that he was more than a favourite student of mine.
"Well, sorry if I've crossed a line," he said, red ears pricking gorgeously with his red hair.
"It's all right, Mister Weasley, now go before you're late for your next class," I said in a friendly voice.
With worried thoughts I watched as the boy packed his bag and said goodbye before I turned my attention to the new Dittany planters for the first years.
Apparently, Severus and I had been slacking off a bit lately.