You trace shadows down the sunny side of the street
Hold them close into the night
Hide the monster as dust is grieving you
Afraid to step into the light
But in your darkest hour I am your lasting light
In your darkest hour when your alone
In your darkest hour somewhere to hide your tears
In your darkest hour I be your hold
-Darkest Hour by Hannah Cartwright & Stewart Ross Tones
We quickly got dressed again, smiled and watched each other, but we were silent. Until we stood together in front of the locked door.
I reached into the inside pocket of my cloak and pulled out the leather book about highly advanced potions that I had found in my old private rooms with Remus. Severus first raised his eyebrows in irritation before a narrow grin formed on his lips and he put the book in his own pocket.
"Thank you. I must have forgotten it there a few days ago," he said, looking at me for a moment.
"I understand.", I whispered, smiling, but Severus cleared his throat and looked a little embarrassed.
"I think of you often and when I can't be with you at night, I felt so closer to you." he replied in a deep and soft voice.
"In my old rooms?" I asked with a crooked grin and a curious look.
"Yes, I could feel you there, smell you. It felt good to have this opportunity. Unfortunately, Lupin now slips through these rooms." Severus seemed sad at those words, amazingly there was no anger in his voice or expression. I grabbed his hands and looked into his eyes.
"You know I got you some new pajamas and traded them for your old grey nightgown... well I'll have it with me, I always take it to sleep in when you are not with me." I said softly, feeling my cheeks blush. I too knew the feeling of missing all too well.
"How rude of you to simply steal my favorite nightgown." His lips curled into a gentle smile before he kissed me lovingly. I knew I couldn't be in my life without him. It was simultaneously a fulfilling feeling, but it also scared me about the future that was yet to come and I knew he felt the same way.
"Is Tibi okay?" I asked after our lips parted again, because Severus had taken care of him in my absence.
"Of course. He's here in my quarters, but I think he knows when you'll be back at the cottage. He's really... I appreciate the bird," said Severus, and a slight pink crept on his face, for he was not used to raving about an animal like that.
"I know," I replied, laughing, and pulled out my wand to open the door, but Severus gently but firmly grabbed my wrist and stopped me from using my wand.
"Catherine, are you actually happy?" Severus asked softly and I looked in amazement into his black bottomless eyes that he had fixed on my face.
"Yes, of course, Severus. Why are you asking?" I replied uncertainly. It was the truth, because I was lucky enough to have the love of my life by my side and a good friend in Remus. These two people were always there for me and so was I for them. It was everything I had always wanted. Honest attachment to being liked and accepted for who I am.
"I just wanted to be sure of that. That's all," Severus said in a deep and low voice and turned his wand towards the door, but this time it was me who held him back.
"What about you? Are you happy?" I asked, grabbing his arm so that he couldn't escape me, even though his gaze was now avoiding mine.
"I know I'm going to be. When my guilt is atoned for and I can be free from it. If that's ever possible," he said, his voice sounding so laborious and toneless that it frightened me.
I had never thought about whether Severus was happy because I assumed that he felt the same way as I did. And yet his words were plausible, for they added to the feeling I sometimes felt when Severus was lost in thoughts, could eat little, slept restlessly or not at all. He was still trapped in the dark.
"But are you happy with me?" I asked him and Severus slowly looked up at me, his eyes flickered briefly and it seemed as if there was a sadness in them, but immediately they lit up, so that I suppressed the thought.
"When we're together, it's the only moments I want to continue to exist." His voice sounded harsh and I swallowed at the meaning of these words.
He was still there most of the time. In the dark, in the black, the gloom of his own self. And there was little I could do about it.
"I see," I said in a low and pressed voice, trying to hold back my emotion, because I didn't want to burden him with it, what it triggered in me to hear this. But he knew me well.
"Really? You know that all I want is your happiness and safety," he whispered, now taking my slightly trembling hand that was still on his arm and bringing it to his mouth to gently touch it with his lips. "And your love."
"I don't feel any differently for you, Severus," I replied, trembling. His words touched me visibly.
"I know." He pulled me towards him, gently but firmly.
"Promise me it will work out! That the two of us will live carefree together when Voldemort is defeated and you can bury your old feelings and you guilt with him," I whispered reverently.
"It will be my biggest goal," he replied just as quietly and I sank into his tight embrace, feeling how narrow his body had become in recent years. He was always slim, but now he could be described as gaunt.
But I nodded to show him that I believed in him and us.
"I love you, Severus. I need you," I said softly, looking back into his eyes, which were looking at me. They seemed gentle, I recognized a hint of pink on his cheeks, and instead of answering with words, he kissed me lightly on my forehead, but pressed my body even tighter.
So, we remained wordless for a few minutes until we heard voices in the corridor that signaled to us that the dinner in the staff room was probably over.
We quickly crept out of the room and split up in silence, he crept down into the dungeons, I briefly ran up the stairs that led to the Gryffindor tower. Like then, several walls of the castle separated us from each other and I hoped that they would never lie between our connection. I looked back and saw him floating down the stairs with his cloak flowing.
"Oh, here you are, Catherine," Remus' voice reached my ear. "I have just explained to the headmaster that I have to leave again because of my transformation and that I will not be able to arrive until the first of September. He suggested that I use the Hogwarts Express for this right away, as the site will be searched and monitored by Dementors from tomorrow."
I just nodded and looked at my friend, whose soft green eyes flashed with anticipation of the school year, while I was worried about the salvation of my beloved Severus.
"Good. And Severus... Snape confused take over the Wolfsbane ?"; I asked quietly. Remus looked at me briefly with a strange look before nodding.
"Yes, he agreed and I don't think there's anyone better for it. Even if he complained to Dumbledore several times about his resistance to my occupation," Remus said confidently and the corners of his mouth bent up slightly.
"So, you trust him?" I asked, trying to hide the joy that Remus had apparently not transferred the school days and the difficulties with Severus into his adult self, unlike Severus himself.
"Dumbledore trusts him. That's all I need to know," Remus said curtly, his smile fading. "We can leave here now, I've sorted everything out. Or do you need a moment?"
"No, we can get out of here. I know we didn't find Sirius. Do we still want to go to the Muggle Pub?" I asked, because I didn't want to spend my few days off alone in the cottage, even though it had become my home in the meantime. I knew Severus would have to spend the next few nights at Hogwarts if Dementors sealed everything off. And without him, it would be lonely in my life.
"Yes, I still have three days until full moon and through your Wolfsbane... Why not?" he said, taking me by the arm, so we went to Hogsmeade and then to London.
I still saw the rest of the full moon fading as I made my way to St. Mungo, I thought of Remus and his transformation and of Severus, who would receive the new students in 2 days, as well as the old ones.
As I walked past the reception witch, I saw a man with a camera and an obsessive woman talking to the receptionist Gladys. She was conspicuously dressed and wore a high-piled curly hairstyle, on her nose sat jeweled glasses.
I took the elevator that took me to my floor even before I had swung my lime green cloak.
Turpin came running towards me. "Oh, glad you're back! I hope the summer was enjoyable! There was some turbulence here," he said and I just nodded to him in greeting, because I didn't feel like small talk. I had actually imagined the summer to be more profitable. Either completely in the arms of Severus or finding Sirius, but none of my expectations had come true.
So, I first dedicated myself to the new patients, because the entire floor belonged to me, after Sharp had certainly worked overtime to take over my shifts additionally. He deserved my deep respect and thanks, because I knew that without him it would not have been possible to accept my request for mainly day shifts, free weekends and free summer holidays. He was willing to work harder so that I could fulfill my wishes. I had therefore bought him a few bottles of his favorite fire whiskey from Scotland to show my gratitude.
During my lunch break, I wanted to visit Alice and Frank. However, to my surprise, they were no longer the main point of the station. In another area, there was a clear sense of unrest. As I got closer, I realized the reason for this. In front of me, dazzling white teeth beamed at me.
"Ah, I'm sure you're a fan of mine too, you look familiar! But where from... oh, do you want an autograph? I can write my initials!" said Gilderoy Lockhart, beaming happily at me, pulling a card with his face towards him and scratching the letters G and L on it, rather awkwardly.
"Um, I don't even know why I write G L. I always forget my name, you know," he said, pushing an autograph card over to me. I thanked him kindly and saw in the corner how an elderly wizard was talking to Miriam Strout, chief healer of the hospital wing. I stepped up and heard him say, "You can't present him like that. Are you sure it will stay that way? Long-term curse damaged?"
"Unfortunately, it looks like it at the moment, yes. He can't remember his correct name yet, but seems to like signing autograph cards. He gets a lot of fan mail, you know," Miriam replied, shrugging her shoulders.
"Of course, he's Gilderoy Lockhart!" said the wizard angrily.
"Are you talking about me?" Gilderoy Lockhart asked, showing his gleaming white teeth.
"Of course, my sweetie. And now off to bed for a nap!", Miriam said in a sugary sweet voice, she must have really eaten a fool on him, because she treated him like a toddler... Or was that necessary? In any case, Gilderoy nodded eagerly and did as he was told.
The elderly man shook his head angrily and marched furiously to the door, which he slammed behind him. Miriam sighed.
"It's tragic. That was his manager," she whispered to me. "Gilderoy will stay here, together with Alice and Frank. Then I can keep an eye on the most important patients together."
I looked around the large room, there was enough space.
"Maybe the company is good for Alice and Frank," I said thoughtfully and glanced at the flowered curtain behind which the two of them were now staying.
"And the amnesia spell is irreparable?", I asked, apparently innocently, because it was not officially my area of expertise, I hid out of self-interest that I was actually very familiar with it.
"Yes, he was just too strong and with a faulty wand he took everything. There's not much left to do. But you know, at this station we don't give up on anyone and do our best to achieve something. Strangely enough, however, the hospital wing is getting fuller and fuller," Miriam replied with a sigh and set about covering Lockhart.
I walked slowly past Alice and Frank, who were also already in bed, but both stared at the opposite wall with their eyes open, without fixing anything in particular. There were sweets on her bedside tables, which told me that her son must have visited both of them recently before the new school year at Hogwarts began. After a few friendly sentences to the two, I went to my actual patients.
I grinned when I read Remus' letter, even though I was worried at the beginning of his description of the Dementors. But Remus felt comfortable at Hogwarts, assumed, finally. It was the first well-paid job Remus had in this world and I knew it meant the world to him.
I breathed a sigh of relief, because it made it easier for him to keep an eye on Harry, who would surely roam the grounds of Hogwarts again at night, despite Dementors, despite Sirius Black. At the same time, I was sad about what would happen if he lost this job again in a year's time... I knew it would break him and maybe make things worse for him than before. After all, I myself had felt incredibly comfortable at Hogwarts as a professor of herbology, much more comfortable than as a student. And even though we had lived our love secretly, Severus and I were so much closer there.
The front door was opened by magic and I saw a man enter all in black, hang up his long and stylish robe and step in front of me without hesitation.
I got up grinning to hug him. I had missed knowing him with me overnight, keeping him, feeling his warmth.
"Was it difficult?" I asked softly, feeling him bury his head in my long open hair, his hands gently but firmly running behind my back until they stayed on my hip. He pulled me close to him, I could hardly breathe, but I was happy to let it happen, it felt good, so damn good that I closed my eyes in pleasure.
"I was ready to take it all, don't worry," he whispered in my ear, his breath causing a gentle tremor on my skin.
We hadn't seen each other for longer than we had intended, because it seemed almost impossible to get past the Dementors who were on the grounds of Hogwarts and Hogsmeade.
"How did you?" I asked, but he put his finger on my mouth before kissing me, which took my breath away again and I felt that not only my soul was longing for him, but also my body.
We didn't make it to the bedroom, but used the couch, table and stairs in the hallway to pursue our cravings. But to cuddle together, Severus carried me in his arms to the bedroom, where we fell asleep in a peaceful and tight embrace.
When we woke up before dawn, so that Severus could be back at the castle for breakfast, he was already looking at me before I opened my eyelids.
"I finally slept through the night again. I don't think I can rest without you. You bewitched me, didn't you?" he whispered softly in my ear.
"Maybe."; I said laughing before pulling him over and we kissed lovingly.
"And now tell me, how did the first few weeks go for you?" I asked him. "You wrote so little."
"Didn't Lupin tell you everything long ago? I often see him writing a letter for you in the staff room. It's as if he's formally bragging about being in contact with you."; he said teasingly, but in an undertone, I heard his displeasure.
"I know how Remus is doing at Hogwarts, but I don't know how you're really doing," I said, looking into his beautiful eyes.
"What do you want to know? How stupid the students are? How does it torment me when I have to leave the house cup to Minerva again because Potter is earning house points with his rule breaks?"
"No. How do you feel about Remus being at Hogwarts? I suppose he's popular with the students?" I asked, seeing in his eyes that Severus would have preferred to avoid the subject. He was probably afraid that we would quarrel again about Remus.
"So, you're interested in how horrible it is for me to have to see Lupin's stupid visage at breakfast every morning? It's horrible, but you know my opinion of him. We don't need to go into that in depth. And whether he is popular with the fools of schoolchildren? Absolutely. He's as popular as you've been," Severus replied evasively, but his gaze remained fixed on me, and he began to play with a strand of my hair to calm down.
"Remus wrote that he found a Boggart in the staff room and used it for teaching. That was certainly well received, wasn't it?", I stated appreciatively and wanted to refer to his apparently good teaching qualities in the subject. And at the same time, I wanted to know how he handled the situation, which has certainly gotten him some whispering in the corridors of Hogwarts.
"Yes, he should have just warned me. I also saw it when I opened the closet to grab another robe after Longbottom showered me with pumpkin juice in the hallway. I was about to eliminate the Boggart when Lupin stepped in. Luckily, he came when I already had it under control and the bogart didn't show me more than what it was, because that would have been spicy," said Severus and now he closed his eyes for a moment as if he wanted to dispel the memory of the Boggart, which made me prick up my ears.
"What became the bogus with you, Severus? What are you afraid of?" I asked, holding my breath as he slowly opened his eyes, and they were in pain. He opened his mouth, but he hesitated. He looked at me, saw my earnest interest in my widened eyes, and resigned.
"It was the Dark Lord," Severus said, his voice rough and brittle, his skin pale as if he saw it right in front of him. "He told me he tortured and killed you because I was a traitor and now it's my turn to feel the pain."
I gasped, because I knew that the death of my loved Severus would also be my greatest fear. So, I pulled Severus back to me so that I could feel all his weight on me. Severus closed his hands around my head and we stared wordlessly into each other's eyes before he kissed me softly as if he could take away our fear of the danger that awaited us. These were dark times that lay ahead of us and yet we both tried to have our luck during this time before the new war.
"You know it's not going to happen, Severus," I whispered into his mouth as our lips parted. But he avoided my gaze, which told me he wasn't sure. He feared it might be the future for both of us. The bitter reality.
"You know too well what a Boggart shows," I said softly and looked at him.
"Obviously," Severus replied curtly and turned down from me, staring at the ceiling above us, trying to breathe evenly. I didn't want to let him go like that, in fear for us.
"Remus wrote to me that Harry's Boggart was a Dementor. He doesn't fear the Dark Lord," I began timidly.
"Good boy, isn't it?" Severus asked with a sneer.
"He's brave," I said innocently, because secretly it impressed me that it wasn't Voldemort that scared him the most.
"He's stupid not to fear the Dark Lord," Severus replied with conviction. "That just shows that he doesn't take him seriously and his exaggerated self-image."
"And Neville fears you, Severus. You would never do anything to him," I said with raised eyebrows.
"I can't say that for sure anymore after he made me the laughingstock of the whole school," Severus said bitterly and his eyes turned to the ceiling sparkled viciously. However, I ignored his anger at the innocent boy, knowing full well that Severus would never cross a certain threshold, even though I knew that his self-hatred and bitterness often resulted in judging students extremely harshly and addressing them with malicious words. He was under enormous pressure and I knew he didn't need anyone to point out weaknesses to him.
"I think such a vulture hat looks very good on you," I said instead of a rebuke and grinned broadly at him. His head slowly moved towards me.
"So, you've heard details?" he asked in a trembling voice, trying to hold back his anger at the story with Neville´s Boggart. But I couldn't keep my amuse in check, it had to come out.
"All of them, yes. There must have been an adorable handbag involved, too.", I raised my wand threateningly, a spiteful grin played around my mouth, which I usually saw so often with Severus.
"Don't you dare...", Severus whispered threateningly, but already I swung my wand and a corresponding copy of the vulture hat landed on his head, the temptation was too great for me to withstand it.
He immediately tore off the hat, looked at it with disgust and put it on me.
"Damn, everything suits you too," he whispered, kissing me softly while a stuffed vulture sat on my head.