Chapter 56: The Black in the future (4,500)
It's the late nights talking to me
When you probably wanted to go to bed
But you stayed up and talked to me instead
When I felt like I wasn't loved
Then you were there to comfort me
You gave me all that I need
Without you, I don't think I'd be the same
You know my heart, you know my pain
You take it away
Without you, I don't think I'd be the same
You know my flaws, you know my pain
You take it away
Thank you for being you by Jake Banfield
The months went by and I started receiving news from Hogwarts from the two most important people in my life. Both reported to me with different insights. But after Halloween, Remus surprisingly asked me to meet at Hogsmeade. I thought about it, because the village was closely guarded by the Dementors, but Remus said there would be no problems for a butterbeer in the three broomsticks.
So, we were sitting there when everything was already dark around us and the students were safe in their quarters through curfew, when Remus told me that Sirius had tried to break into Gryffindor's common room and had even destroyed the painting of the fat lady.
"But the kids were all at the Halloween party?" I asked quietly. We sat in the far corner of the pub, far from the other few guests.
"Yes, that's strange, isn't it?" said Remus, taking a sip of butterbeer.
"And what if he wanted to wait until Harry was back in the dorm?" I asked thoughtfully, leaning back with my arms crossed.
"Maybe, but then the other guys would have been there too," Remus said, shaking his head slightly.
"Don't you think Sirius could take on the five adolescents?" I asked, thinking of Sirius, who had served the Order with his dueling abilities.
"Not without someone screaming and mobilizing the rest of the students. But the question is, how could he invade Hogwarts? Despite Dementors?" Remus asked, looking at how I wrinkled my forehead.
"As a dog? But then the Dementors should still feel his presence, right?" I asked, holding my breath for a moment, wondering if it wasn't time to point out the Animagus form of Sirius to the headmaster.
"Yes, actually. At least that's what I think," Remus says curtly and took another sip of butterbeer. "Maybe he was able to break into the school with the help of black magic spells he learned from Voldemort."
I looked at Remus for a moment with narrowed eyes and saw in front of me a man who did not want to think at any cost about the fact that it was the secret he kept and which was the key to everything.
"Snape thinks I helped Sirius break into the castle."
I sharply drew in the desire, it was a dangerous terrain on which I now had to go.
"You can't blame him. I, too, would think so if I didn't know you exactly. And he only knows that you were Sirius' closest friend back then," I replied, trying to distract from the conversation about Severus. "And Dumbledore? Don't you think you should tell him about James, Sirius and Peter becoming Animagi?" I whispered barely audibly and immediately Remus' eyes swayed clearly, he turned pale.
"You know I'm struggling with this the whole time. I can't," he said and took a big sip, emptying the glass of butterbeer.
"Why?" I asked, although I may already know the answer.
"He trusts me, and I can't disappoint him. I just can't tell him that... Because of me... James, Sirius and Peter... I can't disappoint him," Remus stammered in a brittle voice, avoiding my gaze and instead looking at the empty Butterbier glass in his trembling hands.
When I was silent about this, he looked up after a while with narrowed eyes.
"Don't you understand? Then I would have to admit that I had betrayed his trust as a student. I'd have to tell him that I instigated others to do the same, even though Dumbledore trusted me. He did everything possible for me to go to this school, almost like a normal wizard. The willow was planted because of me, Madam Pomfrey was specially trained because of me. Dumbledore has taken so many risks. Because he trusted me. He got me this job, even though I was shunned by everyone because of the way I am. How can I tell him what I know?" Remus leaned back, his hands clawed at his trouser legs, it looked painful.
I bit my lower lip and watched the suffering right in front of me, I saw him begging me with his green eyes to continue to leave him his innocence towards Dumbledore. I sighed.
"I know what it means to you when someone trusts you. And I trust you. If you don't feel the need to say it, then it isn't. But if you feel like it's the crucial point to protect Harry, then I ask you to see it," I replied seriously but kindly. Remus stared at me open-mouthed before nodding.
"Well, that's enough for me. I trust your judgment, Remus," I said in a firm voice, taking a sip of my drink, unsure if I had just made a mistake. However, Remus seemed relieved when he lost his physical tension.
"Harry is now under strict surveillance, including during Quidditch training. He can't set foot without someone keeping an eye on him. He's safe, I promise," Remus replied, trying to smile confidently. I nodded and took a sip of butterbeer again while Remus looked at me.
"It's a shame," he said quietly but firmly, looking at me with a strange expression on his face.
"What?" I asked, irritated.
"Harry would love you. You could offer him so much as a godmother. Why-" Remus began, but I cut him off before he could say more.
"It doesn't work. Trust me, it's necessary. For a greater good," I replied, and the last sentence brought with it a certain bitterness, because they were words that Dumbledore often used in the time of the Order. Words that were supposed to diminish the losses of individuals, but that made it worse. At least for me.
"Is anyone asking you to? Is it your partner who doesn't want that?" Remus asked me directly and looked at my face to decipher my emotions. However, I couldn't help but smile. Of course, Severus didn't want to target me if Harry was going to get hurt. And I didn't want Severus to be scared for me any more than he was for a woman who was active as a Muggle-born member of the Order of the Phoenix and had healed an infinite number of victims of black magic there. But Remus had realized that I had made this decision for others. It's for the good that Harry doesn't have close contact with me, develops affection and then I die, like many did during the last war. How would he survive such a loss? He was, after all, a boy who would eventually come face to face with Voldemort in person. And for the good that Severus was able to complete the task set by him without great restrictions, before him lay the task of a spy at the side of two powerful wizards who pursued their own goal. With these thoughts inside me, I gathered my strength to look Remus in the eye and answer in a firm voice.
"I made the decision for many reasons. The protection of Harry and my partner was in the foreground. But I'm worth more to Harry and many others if I stay in the background. Trust me, please! Just like you've done so far."
Remus briefly studied my eyes fixed on his, my mouth whose lips formed a confident smile and he nodded.
"Would you like another butterbeer, you two?" Madam Rosmerta suddenly asked us from the side. The pretty and well-proportioned Madam Rosmerta has been the barmaid of the Three Brooms Inn for decades, I knew her from our own school days.
"Gladly. How are you, Rosmerta?" I asked happily.
"Unfortunately, I'm not doing so well. There are really few visitors here at the moment. Oh, these Dementors are driving away all my customers," she said sadly and took our empty bottles to exchange them for new ones.
"Maybe you should just contact the ministry?" I asked, almost laughing at my suggestion myself.
"Pff, like they'll ever lift a finger... Authorities," Rosmerta said disparagingly, briefly wiping our table with a swing of her wand before leaving us and turning to the other guests, who looked more exciting than Remus and me.
"Lupin ordered you to Hogsmeade? In spite of the Dementors?" Severus asked, baring his teeth in an unusually hostile manner.
"There were no problems, they searched me briefly but found nothing. It was... frightening, but we had to talk," I replied reassuringly as Severus looked me seriously in the eye as we walked together. The full moon shone ominously over us.
"Why does he make such inconveniences to you? What does he have to discuss with you? Isn't he in cahoots with Black?" Severus asked me directly, his eyes piercing me. I bit my lower lip.
"No, Severus. He has nothing to do with Sirius. You know, we tried to find him before Harry came to Hogwarts so that the boy could be safe. And I can't give you any information that isn't generally known," I replied and it seemed to satisfy Severus immediately, because he looked again at the darkly lit path in front of us.
"Still, I warned the headmaster not to trust Lupin, several times!" he said bitterly, squeezing my hand, which was secure in his, now tighter, as if he could calm down and overcome his pain.
"I trust Remus and Dumbledore seems to be doing the same," I said, feeling the tension that was palpable this school year.
"I know. But you two may be too hasty in trusting and-" Severus began, but I interrupted him, wriggled out of his hand to get him to stop.
"Dumbledore and I like to trust someone who is worth it and also give second chances. That's right," I said a little teasingly and smiled sideways at him. Immediately I saw him run his right hand over his left forearm, it was unconscious, but I knew he hated it. The dark mark that reminded him of all the things he would like to forget.
Slowly, he turned his head to me, fixed my face with his mouth pinched, and nodded briefly. He had understood that he himself had benefited from this trust. But he didn't say a word, but stared again at our dimly lit path along the sea while I grabbed his hand again.
"How is Draco Malfoy?" I tried to distract Severus from his gloomy thoughts, because I knew from a letter from Remus that his godson had been injured by Hagrid's hippogriff.
"Simulation. But maybe it will help us in the Quidditch game. The victory would be a consolation if Slytherin did not receive the House Cup. Although I can't imagine how Potter could win so many points again this year with rule breaks," Severus said and ran a little faster without letting go of my hand. But I was thankful that his mind turned back to something mundane like the Quidditch match between houses, even though I knew it had a deeper meaning for Severus. It was important to him to win the Quidditch Cup.
"How is Remus, can he tolerate the potion?" I asked quietly, because this was something Remus liked to keep quiet about.
"I took over his lessons when he felt unwell," Severus replied curtly.
"I'm sure he's very grateful to you for that, you know that, don't you?" I asked, because I knew that Remus was struggling through his transformation while the full moon above us was literally laughing at me.
"Not when he finds out which essay theme I gave up on his third-year students," Severus murmured softly, quickening his steps.
"What do you mean? You didn't... Severus!", my voice trembled with anger and fear at the same time.
"Don't worry, no one is going to write the essay about werewolves. And if someone does, who of the fools would come up with the idea that Lupin always lacks a full moon? In our own year, no one understood that," he said, but I abruptly stopped my steps so that his arm held my hand outstretched. Then I twirled him around so that he was standing right in front of me, looking into my eyes.
"Severus. I'm used to strength from you. That's not you! That's just the hatred that blinds you to right action," I said seriously and tried not to be lulled by his black eyes, which narrowed.
"If Lupin had understood anything about right-wing action, then-" he began to protest, but I cut him off.
"I guess we all made mistakes back then, Severus. But today he acts rightly, he is a respectable wizard and I appreciate his character."; I certainly returned.
"Is he really? Righteous?" asked Severus. "Isn't he a murderer's friend anymore?"
I swallowed, because Severus was not entirely wrong, because Remus was still hiding a secret for Sirius. Something that burned on my soul and also strained my relationship with Severus, who trusted me and I knew it too. But I couldn't tell him that Sirius Black was an Animagus, because I knew Severus was going to tell Dumbledore, which got Remus in trouble. I hated this situation, but I had to be silent, didn't I? This was about my best friend's life. And Harry was safely guarded within the walls of Hogwarts, he was safe from Sirius.
At least that's my belief until, after recovering from the rigors of his transformation, Remus told me at our next meeting in the Three Broomsticks that Harry had fallen from a height of 15 meters in a game between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. That was the reason why Severus currently wanted to stay at Hogwarts even at night, it went through my head when I looked into the frightened eyes of Remus.
"So, he fainted because he met the presence of the Dementors," I concluded, earning an eager nod from Remus.
I drank a sip of fire whiskey from Scotland that flowed down my throat burning.
"Why is he so vulnerable? Why does he suffer so much?" Remus asked me and I sighed loudly at the thought.
"What do you feel or hear when the Dementors are near you?" I asked Remus, and he shuddered immediately.
"I'm 5 years old, I feel the pain of Greyback's attack, I hear my father screaming, curses and the words Father said to him: soulless evil and deserving nothing but death," Remus replied, staring into the golden liquid in his glass.
"It's the worst moment in your life that you hear or experience when Dementors are around, everything else, every happy memory is sucked away," I said, getting goosebumps at the thought of what I had to experience just before to meet Remus at all.
"You mean he's got that night on his mind?" Remus asked me in horror. "But he was still so small..."
"But it's one of his memories. Even if it's not stored correctly in him, he was there in this night," I replied quietly and took another sip of the burning liquid, hoping to keep my own demons at bay, which contained my own memory, which the Dementors brought out in me.
"What do you hear?" Remus asked, to my displeasure.
"How I'm told that Gideon is dead, that Lily and James have been betrayed by Sirius. Loneliness, sadness, emptiness," I said curtly, feeling the burning sensation in my throat. I hoped that the memory of Severus would never be added, because I knew that would be the end of me. It would darken my life to a point where I wouldn't get anywhere. Everything would be black.
"I never asked you if you would have married him if he hadn't died," Remus said, looking at me with a mixture of pity and curiosity.
"Yes, I would," I replied dryly, because it was the truth. "If it weren't for Voldemort's henchmen, I'd probably be Mrs. Prewett by now, mother of a handful of children." I had to smile for a moment at the thought. "Can you imagine?"
"Yes, I can. You'd be an excellent mother, Catherine," Remus replied, taking a sip of the burning liquid that sustained our spirits. "Does your new partner also want children?"
I looked at Remus with widened eyes, for I had not considered this possibility since Gideon's death, and I did not know myself whether this path existed for me and whether I still wanted to follow it. It was like something distant or black in the future to answer this question or to ask it at all. Now there was no point in thinking about something like this, which seemed almost impossible at the moment.
"I don't know. But it doesn't matter as long as Voldemort is still out there somewhere. He is our task that we have to finish, Remus," I said softly and saw the candle go out in front of us. Burned down in a short hurry, almost like a lifetime.
"We will," Remus said firmly, raising his glass. "That's what we should drink to!"
"On our task - the final downfall of Voldemort!" I said so quietly that only the two of us could hear it, but in a fearless voice.
I lifted my glass, which contained one last sip, slammed it against his, so that a loud clink lit up the pub.
All this had to come to an end, because I knew that Severus could not live freely without this burden and that people like me would no longer be in constant danger of death, and at the same time I hoped that there would finally be better recognition for people like Remus in society. Perhaps together we could achieve all of this.
"And when it's our end," Remus added earnestly.
With a determined look, we washed our throats with fire.
"Are there any new patients today?" I asked Asklepios Sharp, who was studying the Daily Prophet in the staff room.
"Amazingly not," he replied curtly, and with a frown he read the article to the end, which reported that Sirius Black was still at large, even though he had broken into Hogwarts on Halloween. I felt my face turn pale.
"What about you? You look like you've seen Black in person?" Sharp asked me now, folding the newspaper with a rustle as he examined me closely.
"No, not that. But I find it strangely quiet in our hospital lately," I noted. "Do you think people take better care of themselves and stop harming others now that a criminal like Black is on the run?" I sat down with Asklepios and poured some lemon tea into a cup.
"In fact, I think it's quite probable that I'm thinking about it now," he said, looking at me with a slight smile. "You're really good at grasping things."
"No better than others." I shrugged my shoulders and took a sip of tea.
"By the way, your last patient before your vacation had a bouquet of flowers sent to you with an owl. It's a pity you weren't here. She seemed to have been extremely grateful," he told me seriously.
"Oh, she was just a little careless gardening and had gotten Alihotsy poisoning because she thought the leaves were basil. With the Glumbumble secretion, I quickly had her hysteria and the other symptoms under control," I explained to my colleague.
"But you reacted quickly. Didn't the former Minister of Magic, Wilhelmina Tuft, die of Alihotsy poisoning?" asked Asklepios, but I had the feeling that he already knew the answer to his own question.
"Yes, because the symptoms can also be confused with other poisonings, but fortunately I was able to rule them out quite quickly. Nothing special," I replied, shrugging my shoulders.
"So, there's nothing special about saving another person's life through your own abilities?" Asklepios asked, his eyes glaring at me challengingly.
"Any healer could have done that," I said, smiling, but I knew what he was getting at.
"Apparently not Wilhelmina Tuft's healer." he said gently, I lowered my eyes in embarrassment.
"Why are you so insecure about your skills? Is there a specific reason why you deny yourself so much?" Asklepios asked me, trying to catch my gaze again. I did him the favor, although I felt myself blushing slightly.
"I think it's because I've been with very great people at Hogwarts. They were usually better than me, smarter, funnier, friendlier and well, I'm afraid there's a bit of the feeling of not being like them," I replied, thinking of my old friends.
"As smart and kind as Sirius Black?" he asked sharply, frowning.
"So, you know I know him," I said softly, but my voice couldn't hide the appreciation for his knowledge.
"I know he was in Gryffindor, and you were born in the same year," he replied, watching me tense up a bit when it came to Sirius.
"Yes, we belonged to the same group of friends. Why, you ask? Do you want to know something specific?", I asked directly and apparently a little too briskly, because Asklepios hardly flinched noticeably when he heard the undertone of my voice.
"No, I was just interested in how well you know him. But you've already answered that. It must have been a big shock for you to learn that he was a Death Eater when you're Muggle-born . And now that it has erupted... I just wanted you to know you can talk to me if you want. I'm good at hearing," he said, a little more shyly than I knew him. I looked at him in surprise, because so far Asklepios had not given me the impression that he regarded colleagues at St. Mungo as confidants or friends.
"I'll remember, thank you," I said kindly and I was honestly glad to have a colleague who was so attentive. Because it took away a little bit of missing my old job at Hogwarts.
When he nodded in agreement, Turpin, our healer in training, rushed to us excitedly.
"A man was apparently poisoned by his wife with his morning coffee. He's talking about palpitations and a rash in an awkward spot," he explained to us with wide eyes and adjusted his glasses, which had shifted due to his race.
Sharp sighed. "Doesn't sound like poisoning by potions," he said resignedly.
"And not after poisoning by plants," I added, while Asclepius and I grinned at each other, because we suspected that it might be a completely different thing.
"Don't worry, we can do that too. I'll take care of that if you don't mind. For most patients, a same-sex healer is always more welcome, ok?" Sharp asked me with a mischievous grin, and I nodded in agreement so that he could take care of the patient with the venereal disease.
With Christmas just around the corner, Asklepios decided that I should take time off to spend Christmas with my family. Of course, he had no idea that it consisted of only two men, neither of whom could smell each other.
But although Christmas fell miserably into the water for one of them due to the full moon, I was at least able to enjoy the nights in the arms of my beloved Severus. It was too dangerous for him to disappear even on the day between meals because of the Dementors. But I was glad to have him to myself for a few nights at all. And although I felt that he felt the same way and enjoyed the time with me, he seemed more thoughtful and sadder than usual in my company.
The burden of Remus at Hogwarts seemed greater than that of a chamber of secrets or philosopher's stone that had to be guarded. And then there was Sirius, who had been at Hogwarts for Halloween, which had led to the escape of the fat lady. No less than 2 archenemies near him were apparently too much for his nerves and I caught him taking sedative potion before he wanted to lie down with me.
"Is it so bad, Severus?" I asked him, gently stroking his hair, his back, feeling his breath calm, his eyelids closing slightly.
"Yes. I can't describe it, it's like I'm standing next to myself sometimes. As if my mind was clouded by all these feelings. I even thought about putting them down with a potion," he said softly, staring at my strand of hair as he gently slipped through his fingers. I drew in my breath sharply at his words, it was terrifying. Turning off his feelings because they were unbearable.
"Don't worry, I wouldn't do it, because that would mean not feeling anything anymore. Not this one either," he told me, turning to gently run his thumb down my lips. "I could never do without it. It would be my death," he added reassuringly, lifting my chin and bringing his lips to mine. A hot tingling sensation swept through me and showed me how much I was still thirsty for his touch.
"Still, it worries me, Severus. How often do you need the Calming Draught?" I asked with a worried brow.
"I didn't take it at Hogwarts, if that's what you mean. There I just take the potion against my tiredness, you know I sleep badly without you and work a lot. But with you, I want to be completely with myself, so that I don't poison our valuable time with my brooding, these thoughts, this hatred," he said and looked me firmly in the eyes so that I could read them. It was the truth.
"You know you're supposed to share that with me too! I'm by your side and that's part of it," I said, lovingly running my hand over his cheek.
"Thank you," he said curtly before kissing me and pushing me back onto the mattress to love me.
"Here, look at what the boy delivered to me again: an essay on undetectable poisons. I thought that might be useful for him in the fight against Voldemort," Severus said bitterly and threw the parchment on the coffee table in front of me.
I immediately grabbed the essay and briefly skimmed over the sloppy essay, which was made without understanding or passion. I sighed loudly and looked at Severus with raised eyebrows.
"I'm sure he has a lot on his mind because of Sirius Black. I'm sure he's scared and—" I began, but Severus cut me off.
"Nonsense. He has nothing but the upcoming Quidditch game on his mind. Minerva told me how he harassed her so that he would get his new broom in time. Of course, Minerva didn't tell me this without rubbing it under my nose that the boy now has a firebolt that will certainly give him advantages as a seeker. I have therefore kindly reminded her that Gryffindor have gone seven times in a row without winning the cup and I wonder if it is enough to prevent another year from happening," Severus said with a sneering grin.
I sighed loudly, so Severus' face turned back to me.
"I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but-" he said in a piercing voice, but this time I cut off his word.
"I understand that it means something to you to get this trophy. But I think your anger is actually more directed at Harry's inability to learn anything from your classes, even though you put so much effort into figuring out suitable essay topics for him. And he still sees you as his enemy. And it pains you to be so misunderstood, when you do everything you can to prepare him for his task. I wish I could take all that away from you, Severus," I said, looking him firmly into the dark, bottomless, seductive eyes.
He was silent for a moment, validating my words in his mind before speaking to me again.
"Yes. You grasped it.", He grabbed my hand. "You know me indescribably well, Catherine. Like no one else. Not even I get along that well. Why?"
"What, why?" I asked softly, my breath catching as our faces were so close that there was no room for hands.
"Why are you doing this?" he asked me so directly that I couldn't breathe.
"Because I love you, I guess," I said in a soft voice, kissing his slightly parted lips.
"And that's why you want to understand everything? Everything about me?" he asked in a deep, low voice.
"Everything, yes," I said, running my hands over his torso, now kissing him passionately so that he gasped under my caress. And it seemed to ignite, because he bent over me, let me slide back onto the cushions of the couch and let us enjoy this cold January night with all his senses.