Round 3
Joker vs. Banjo-Kazooie
While a simple tug of the glove and smile to the camera spelled the end of Joker's match graphic animation. Banjo and Kazooie's was much more theatrical. With his back turned to the camera, Banjo held two bootleg Joker masks aloft, one in each paw. Meanwhile, Kazooie rested two Queen masks on the tips of her wings, standing on Banjo's shoulders.
"We're gonna be Phantom Thieves, we're gonna be Phantom Thieves," chittered the Breegul, now nestled inside Banjo's backpack for their interview recorded earlier that day.
To the shock of everyone, Futaba, in her Oracle garb, sat in the interview chair, hunched forward while the rest of the Thieves stood behind her, dressed in their Metaverse attires
"I'll admit, you two would make excellent Thieves," Oracle began, "Analysis shows that your track record shows a knack for creative problem solving and high flying technique. Your character reference from one of your teachers, Mumbo Jumbo, was glowing."
"Of course that prick would sing our praises," snapped Kazooie, "He knows what would happen if he didn't."
"But," Fox began as the Phantom Thieves popped back into view , the artist reflexively adjusting his kitsune mask, "You display an arrogance that has made some of us weary."
"We were kicking ass when Persona 1 still had first person tank controls for the overworld," cackled Kazooie, "Persona 2, and the stink bomb that was Sin and Punishment, was just a glimmer in some hungover salaryman's eye,"
"By the same token, we cannot deny the two of you are incredibly powerful," explained Queen.
"Let's get outta here Banjo! Wonder Wing time draws near!" Kazooie ordered as Banjo arose with a defeated sigh, the duo walking off camera.
"And so," Joker concluded, "We've decided to give you a tryout. The terms are simple. Win or…"
The screen became red static, the "Take Your Heart" logo eventually fading in as it cut back to the commentator.
"Those Thieves and their theatrics," Cranky gagged, "Your logo should be something simple, something that can be branded onto a barrel for a cheap and efficient rate."
"As much as I love the Phantom Thieves' logo," 9-Volt chuckled, "You've gotta admit the DK logo is like, the classic game logo."
"Damn skippy it is. If it weren't for me, a bunch of very wealthy people would still be making Ultra Hands right now."
9-Volt sighed, "That aside Cranky, let's go down to the arena for entrances!"
"Damn skippy it is. If it weren't for me, a bunch of very wealthy people would still be making Ultra Hands right now."
9-Volt sighed, "That aside Cranky, let's go down to the arena for entrances!"
The lights in the arena went down, c causing a long gasp from the crowd.
"Oh c'mon," Cranky moaned as his mic was forcibly turned down.
As the reflective opening piano keys of Swear to my Bones began to play, the big video screens flared to life. With Joker in the lead, the Phantom Thieves walked down Tunnel A. The longer they walked however, the more people seemed to be behind them. Sojiro appeared first, followed by Kawakami, Iwai, Hifumi, Yoshida, Mifune, Ohya, and Takemi, with Oda bringing up the rear.
"And Joker's Phantom Thief entourage are sporting matching "Take Your Heart" tracksuits, the only official Phantom Thief merchandise as approved by the Super Smash Brothers."
Sure enough, as the large group filed out of Tunnel A, they stood alongside one another, a white light powering on behind them, illuminating the red Arsene logo on the right breast, with "Take Your Heart written underneath it. As the arcanas began to file out, Swear to my Bones had stopped and looped.
"And language like that is why we turned down your mic Cranky1' 9-Volt yelled to his inaudible partner.
By the time Joker had made it to his place on Smash Stadium's center stage, getting hugs from the core Phantom Thieves, and polite handshakes from everyone else, Swear to My Bones had begun and ended again, just starting up again as the non-Thief confidantes began to disappear. As the Phantom Thieves stood at attention, a xylophone backed by jovial string instruments began to play.
"What the…?" 9-Volt muttered in confusion.
As the xylophone was played at a deeper key, confusion etched on the faces of the Phantom Thieves, Oracle most of all, tilting her head as much as he neck would allow. Realization struck her, then the rest of The Phantom Thieves, just as Banjo strode out, a cocky grin on Kazooie's face.
"They Grant Kirkhope-ified Beneath the Mask!" 9-Volt finally realized.
"Giving nerds access to soundfonts was a mistake," Cranky grumbled.
Kazooie tapped Banjo on the head, the bear and bird flipping so that Kazooie was carrying Banjo the rest of the way to the center of the arenax.
Ryuji and Kazooie began to talk trash, their conversation almost entirely muted by censoring bleeps as The core Phantom Thieves were teleported away. This seemed to settle Kazooie enough to give Banjo his standing position back, just as Mills Frames materialized through the floor.
While Banjo and Kazooie's introductions were met with boisterous flexing to their adoring fans, Joker barely nodded to the crowd, paying attention to the instructions that Morgana shouted in his ear. Finally Morgana disappeared.
"Whelp partner," Banjo sighed, "It comes down to this."
"Yep," Joker nodded, "Best of luck."
As Banjo nodded back Mills brought the arena's attention to the video board. Stages came and went, the parade of stages eventually stopped at Mario Bros!
"Oh no," groaned Banjo.
"Oh yes," Joker and Kazooie added, both grinning from ear to ear
"Are…are you ready?" asked an unusually timid Mills.
"Yeah! Ignore the bear let's do this thang," chittered Kazooie.
Joker only laughed, casting a thumbs up in Mills' direction.
Before Banjo could even sigh in frustration, he, his partner, and his opponent, had disappeared, the video board flaring to life with the rules
Stage: Mario Bros
Rules: 3-stock, items medium
Music Fossil Falls
3
Aided by his grappling hook, Joker descended down from the top of the stage, Morgana perched on his shoulder.
"Looking cool Joker!" shouted the cat-like thief as he disappeared.
2
From the silhouette of a Jiggy, Banjo stepped out, Kazooie waving her wings to their adoring fans.
1
Morgana and Kazooie in their ears respectively, Joker and Banjo nodded along to their final instructions, not taking their eyes off each other.
GO!
Banjo was immediately on Kazooie's back, the Breegul charging the thief. Joker simply snapped his fingers, a bolt of the poisosous Eitha technique immediately encapsulated the bear and bird. Despite this, they kept running, rolling into Joker before he could snap his fingers again.
"You think we're scared of a bit of poison?" Kazooie hooted, "We spent six in-game hours in Rusty Bucket Bay!"
A flurry of beak jabs did not stun Joker, the young man backflipping away, pulling out his pistol and firing. This sent the platforming duo on the retreat.
"Whaddya say? Egg firin' time?" Banjo asked, pelted by harmless bullets.
"No!" declared Kazooie, "Charge!"
Unfortunately, their hapless charge made them prime targets for a grab, Joker slamming Banjo and Kazooie into the ground.
"Argh," grunted Kazooie, "Maybe eggs woulda gone better."
Without a word, Banjo tucked into a roll, slamming into Joker.
"We got this babe," Banjo huffed, "Don't worry,"
"I get to see hustle outta you and you call me babe," Kazooie balked, "Must be Christmas already!"
With both components of the unit sufficiently fired up, Banjo-Kazooie launched into a barrage of beak pecks, accent with rolling charges whenever Joker tried to back away. Unfortunately, a blue and black fire erupted before Banjo could stop his forward momentum into Joker.
"ARSENE!" Joker ordered, "Tetrakarm!"
A blast of magical energy propelled Banjo and Kazooie into a wandering Shellcreeper. Kazooie immediately pecking it back into its shell. Gripping the shell, Kazooie grinned evily.
"Ready for some bullshit?" she asked.
She tossed the Shellcreeper into Joker, who fell into the Blast Zone, and came out the other side.
"HUH?" Kazooie shouted, "Shouldn't that be a stock loss?"
"Don't matter," Banjo concluded, "We just keep bashin' his brains in until the game decides to take a stock."
"I like that," was Kazooie's simple, purring answer
Joker's silent Eiagon propelled into a spinning drill kick took Banjo and Kazooie out of their game for a moment, but a Shellcreeper thrown by the bear and bird knocked Joker to the Blast Zone.
Joker: 2
Banjo-Kazooie: 3
Throwing the Shellcreeper at a Sidestepper, Banjo grabbed an Assist Trophy, revealing Bomberman! As bombs were brought into existence and detonated, Joker expertly weaved around them. However, a Shellcreeper and a Sidestepper lobbed through the air by Banjo and Kazooie respectively once again knocked Joker to the Blast Zone.
Joker: 1
Banjo-Kazooie: 3
"I almost feel bad about whining earlier," Kazooie laughed, "This is too easy!"
"I'll show you easy," came Joker's threat
A Smart Bomb was thrown at the platforming duo first. As it detonated, holding them aloft in the blast radius. Shellcreepers and Sidesteppers, all rendered defenseless by quick strikes from Joker, were lobbed at them, sending their damage meter further and further into dangerous territory. A final Shellcreeper was thrown just as the Smart Bomb dissipated, sending the bear and the bird into the Blast Zone!
Joker: 1
Banjo-Kazooie: 2
"Uh-uh, nah," Kazooie hissed as she and Banjo appeared on the Revival Platform. We have come entirely too far to lose to some little cousin farting around on the Wii controller tactics. Get ready to taste the pain boss!"
With that, Kazooie flew towards where Joker stood, immediately activating Wonder Wing. The first three rounds of the invincible bull rush knocking into Joker. The young man could only grin as he felt his every nerve fire in a crescendo of pain.
"ARSENE!" he cried.
Much as they had before, Banjo and Kazooie had begun charging too early, with no way to start their momentum.
"TETRAKARM!"
This snapped through the Wonder Wing, both members of the duo completely staggered. An Eiagon left them open for a walloping with Shellcreeper shell. As they flew towards the Blast Zone Joker narrowed his eyes, envisioning where they would land. The fires of Eiagon were waiting for them, along with another Shellcreeper. This was the volley that sent them to the Blast Zone.
Joker: 1
Banjo-Kazooie: 1
"To quote one of my other famous avian friends," Kazooie growled, "Of course, you know this means war?"
With that, the mayhem began, the goal of eacb combatant seemingly to render as many Shellcreepers and Sidesteppers asunder as possible and use them as ammo.
"For cryin' out loud," bemoaned Cranky as creatures pelted the Smashers on the battlefield from both sides, "This is too much like playing Brawl with Kiddy for my comfort."
With all of the creatures on the Mario Bros stage ascended to their final forms, the damage piled on quickly.
"Let's go!" cheered Kazooie.
In a flash, she had Banjo on her back, charging Joker, who had assumed a pitcher's stance, ready to lob yet another Shellcreeper in their direction.
"WONDER WING!" Kazooie called.
The Shellcreeper left Joker's hands just as golden magic enshrouded Kazooie's wings, bouncing it back at Joker.
"I can taste the coffee now!" cackled Kazooie, "AGAIN!"
"TETRAKARM!" Joker called.
Much like before, the magic of the Metaverse snapped the golden aura around the bear and bird. Unlike before, Kazooie was unphased.
"AGAIN!" she cried.
Joker couldn't defend himself as he was tackled into the Blast Zone!
GAME!
In the Smash Mansion Courtyard, Kazooie was shifting so feverishly Banjo stumbled from side to side to keep balance.
"YES GODDAMNIT YES!" she cheered.
"Kazooie, you gotta," grunted Banjo unde the force of his unruly passenger.
Completely ignoring Banjo, Kazooie stood on the backpack, miming crotch chops.
"THAT IS RIGHT WE DID IT!"
"Jiggywiggy Kazooie, we gotta do our usual…" Banjo pleaded.
"I NEVER FLUBBED, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" ranted Kazooie, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I AM!"
The splash screen indicated the obvious.
BANJO-KAZOOIE WIN!
"Oh God," Kazooie whispered, "That was on camera?"
Banjo giggled, "Yep."
"Not my finest moment," Kazooie shrugged, "But the merch is gonna be sweet."
At the moment, they teleported to Tunnel A, where the core Phantom Thieves waited for them.
"Well," Morgana began, pacing on top of Joker's head and onto his shoulders, "Much to my eternal shock, You've passed the test,"
"Yes," Joker nodded, "Welcome to the Phantom Thieves of Heart.
From the pocket of his trenchcoat Joker retrieved two domino masks.
"We apologize for the less than ornate masks," Queen said bashfully, " We figured a domino mask would suit you best."
Kazooie nodded, "Always though Noir rocked the look, so why can't we?"
Banjo nodded back, as Noir sank into the background, trying to hide her blushing face.
"Now all that's left is codenames," Oracle sang excitedly.
"I wanna be Condor!" Kazooie shouted.
"And I'll be Kodiak." Banjo announced.
"Huh," Panther blurted, "Usually that takes a lot longer."
"Yeah, and usually it falls on me to pick." Joker laughed.
"Well, I've been thinking about this stuff ever since I picked up the game," Kazooie explained.
"Yeah, I guess when you can just save your progress, you can think a little better." admitted Skull.
"Oh totally," Panther agreed, "But we gotta get back up there, our adoring public is waiting for us.
As the Phantom Thieves walked up the tunnel, Kazooie asked, "Isn't there usually an "I art thou, thou art I," thing?"
"Guess we'll find out if we ever end up in the Metaverse." Morgana shrugged.
"God I hope we do," Kazooie rubbed her talons, "I wanna show that Reaper guy what's what."
"Oh God," Noir shivered, "We ran into the Reaper once, and I hope not to repeat it."
"We can trade stories at La Blanc later," Fox said, "Right now, we're on Smash business."
"Never thought you'd take the role of Morgana in this Inari," Oracle teased.
Before Fox could say anything more, the Phantom Thieves pushed into the Smashers' Box to the cheers of their peers.
"Ey!" Kazooie said, pointing a talon at Quinn, "It's down to you and us from DLC. I hope we get to fight each other, so I can whoop your Mii ass."
"Uh…Kazooie, ain't that a bit racist to say?" Banjo whispered.
"Nah, it's not like Quinn has a character," Sans teased.
"At least he ain't a meme." Banjo snapped back.
Sans shrugged, "Ya know what? Touche."
"Goro Akechi, Sephiroth, you are next." ROB blurted.
Without even looking at him, Sephiroth teleported away.
"Very well," Akechi shrugged, "He'll regret underestimating me. All of you fools in the Wa-ffice will."
"Ey! I can trump up-a charges super easy!" bellowed Wario.
"If you do," Mario warned, "You'll join Mister Minch."
"Alright, fine-a Mustache-a, Jesus." quivered Wario.
"Good luck Goro," waved Joker.
Akechi shot a snide look over his shoulder at Joker, marching silently down Tunnel A.
"That was a positive interaction," Queen quickly explained.
"Was it?" Panther asked.
"Yeah, if he'd felt like it, he would've insulted you,"
"And you like this guy, Queen?" Skull asked.
"We've been over this, yes." snapped Queen.
"I still don't get it…" Skull whispered.
"I don't either Skull, but apparently all of us together is destiny, according to Igor."
"I hope it's destiny Goro finds a way around Sephiroth, cause I don't want Ren-Ren or anybody else to go up against freakin' Sephiroth.
A murmur of agreement erupted over the Phantom Thieves as the ceremonies for the next match began.