Round 4
Cloud vs. Banjo-Kazooie
On one side of the moving graphic, Cloud simply turned, sheathing his sword over his back. Banjo meanwhile, took a bow while Kazooie happily spread her wings.
"Banjo and Kazooie are a unique duo. They definitely have earned the right to represent the newest class of Smashers, as they took on some pretty powerful folks, but the…"
The audio warbled, making Cloud's voice several octaves deeper than it was naturally.
"...Reality of the situation is that they've taken this too lightly, and that'll come back to…"
The picture became fuzzy. Eagle-eyed fans noticed a brief glimpse of a familiar logo…
"...Bite them when they face their first championship-level opponent, me."
The audio and visuals warbled this time, Cloud's interview now noticeably looped.
"First championship level opponent…Taking this too lightly….first championship level opponent…"
Now the screen was completely fuzzed. The fuzz parted to reveal a familiar logo on a red background.
TAKE YOUR HEART!
The opening instrumental of Wake Up, Get Out There began to play as the screen revealed the Phantom Thieves, basking in shadow. Front and center, however, were silhouettes of Banjo and Kazooie.
"Taking this too lightly?" squawked Kazooie, "You serious bro? Did we take it lightly when your anime asses left for the PlayStation? No! In fact, people like us held Nintendo's head above water while you guys were ensnaring the snottiest nerds around. Have you seen the discourse around the PlayStation 5? Your game enabled that!"
"A legendary opponent you may be Cloud Strife," warned the voice of Oracle, "But these two have endured more than you could imagine, demons greater than you."
"Yeah, like Microsoft, and Banjo Pilot," huffed Ryuji, "What bull crap was that?"
"But now, their world is back in order," explained Morgana, "This, and they've sworn an oath to the ways of the Phantom Thieves, they are better than they've ever been."
"Can you say the same?" asked Ann, "By all accounts, you've slowed down. How long can you hold that Limit Break?"
"Namakemono," Yusuke tutted.
"Yeah!" Kazooie agreed, "For a guy who exists solely because a bunch of ancient Japanese executives wanted to pimp out CD technology, you've gotten as slow as a Russian bootleg cartridge."
"Gyuh-huh!" chirped Haru.
"Aw, Haru, that was so nice," cooed Banjo.
"You've been slacking Cloud," Makoto lamented, "Where we've been growing as a warrior and as a team.
"This will be another victory for the Phantom Thieves. This is your calling card Cloud Strife." Joker announced.
A new figure stepped into frame beside Joker.
"You all should know by now," said the new figure, Akechi, "When a calling card goes out, it's inevitable. We take what we want."
Akechi's shadow lurched back, spreading his arms wide. The disgraced detective's evil, manic laughter was the last thing the audience heard before the screen slowly faded to the Phantom Thieves logo. The monitors then shut off entirely.
"Did Yusuke just call Cloud a sloth there?" 9-Volt asked.
"Ah, so you have been studying Japanese?" Cranky asked.
"How else am I supposed to be able to read the super moves when Futaba, Penny, and I play fighting games on Fightcade?"
"That's…actually an admirable move kid. Between that and not having to hear your buddy's dumb predictions this may be the happiest I've ever been on commentary," Cranky said.
At this, 9-Volt began to giggle.
"Why…why are you laughing boy?" demanded Cranky.
"Because that good mood isn't going to last," 9-Volt mumbled through snorts of laughter.
As if on cue, the funk of Tokyo Daylight began to play, and out stepped…a giant spider mech. Each foot of the mech had individual seats for the Phantom Thieves and their confidants. At the mech's base sat Banjo and Kazooie, the bear nervously piloting each step of the giant monstrosity. Kazooie meanwhile, pointed down at the blazing "Mumbo's Garage" logo on the body, grinning slyly for the cameras
"What in tarnation did that hack witch doctor build now?" Cranky balked.
"Mumbo actually called me up and…"
"You have my condolences," Cranky quickly muttered.
9-Volt motored on, "And he told me that he got inspired by the spider mech in the "Ridiculous Relay" mini-game from the third Mario Party, modified to give all of the Persona 5 gang some seats."
"I was about to say I hope that mini-game doesn't truly involve 22 people, but the way modern games are going I feel like I'm curling my paw on that one," Cranky ranted.
"Oh no, more people to play games with, the abject horror!" 9-Volt wailed sarcastically.
"Listen, if I wanted random snot-nosed tweens to interrupt my gaming session, I'd just join you and your friends."
"You know what, you should!" 9-Volt said as the mech slowly lumbered down the ramp.
"What?" Cranky asked indignantly.
"Hobbies are best enjoyed with homies man! Join us!"
"I've uh…" Cranky said warmly, "I've got some time on my hands. After this round."
"Sweet!" cheered 9-Volt.
Meanwhile, the mech came to a stop, Banjo and Kazooie fluttering around the massive vehicle to high-five each confidant individually. As soon as they touched down, the Final Fantasy victory theme played, to which the crowd sang along. But then the arena fell into silence.
"What the…?" Cranky asked.
The opening piano keystrokes of Tifa's Theme rang out. When the sound of a harp scuttled through the soundscape, and the orchestra kicked in, the Final Fantasy 7 crew marched out. Cloud and Barrett lead the way with Denzel and Marlene atop their shoulders respectively, followed by the others.
"Aw… how cute," 9-Volt cooed as the group walked down the ramp.
All Cranky could offer was a gag as the two opposing factions came face to face.
"I've been waiting for this!" Futaba cackled, "The Thieves are gonna have their way toniiiiight."
"We're gonna rock it tonight, we're gonna jazz it up and have us a ballllll," Aerith sang back.
"Oh God," moaned Skull "West Side Story's been popular in your suite too huh?"
"Tifa's gonna get her kicks, toniiiight," Tifa sang.
"Don't matter if Cloud's tired, as long as he's near," sang Jessie.
Barrett laughed, "You think?"
"Hey Daddy," Marlene mumbled, "What does Aunt Tifa mean?"
"I'll tell you when you're older sweetheart," Barrett hurriedly said.
"AVALANCHE BEGAN IT, THEY BEGAN IT!" Ann hollered.
"Hell yeah, they did!" Kazooie said, flying up to Ann to give her yet another high-five.
"Guys," snapped Morgana, "Business faces on."
"Yeah," Cloud nodded, "Gotta focus up."
"You've got this kiddo," Cid hollered from the back of the Avalanche entourage, "I'm proud of ya."
"Yeah!" Wedge shouted, "Go Cloud!"
Biggs cast a thumbs up, "Yeah, you've got it!"
"Knock the goofy bear and bird good for me!" Yuffie shouted.
Tifa pushed her way up to the front, whispering in Cloud's ear, "You've got this. I love you."
Cloud leaned in, whispering back, "I love you too,"
With a final wave goodbye from their respective entourages, everything disappeared
In the Smashers Box, the air was uncharacteristically silent, watching Banjo and Kazooie take a bow when their names were announced, and watching Cloud wave to the crowd, not breaking his eye contact with the dynamic duo in front of him.
"We oughta do something cool for your entrance kid!" Ken laughed, finally breaking the silence.
Quinn nodded to his former opponent as the video board fluttered through the stages, landing on Midgar.
On the stage, Kazooie rubbed her wings together mischievously.
"Get ready to kiss those jewels goodbye, bozo," she squawked.
Cloud said nothing.
"Smashers," Mills Frames asked, "Are you ready?"
All three combatants nodded. With that, they disappeared, and the video board flashed the schematics of the bout.
Stage: Midgar
Rules: 5-Stock, Items High
Music "The Airbuster" (FF7 Remake)
3
Cloud fell dramatically after the Fusion Sword, clutching it as it planted into the ground, flipping effortlessly into his combat stance.
2
Banjo stepped out of a portal shaped like a puzzle piece. After the bear and bird took a bow, they assumed an unfamiliar combat stance, both putting up their dukes.
1
Cloud raised an eyebrow. Kazooie snickered beneath her guard.
GO!
The Smashers charged. A windmill of clenched bear claws and bird talons overwhelmed the swordsman. Kazooie grasped Cloud in her talon by the neck while Banjo continued to pound away with body blows.
"Gotta say, props to Banjo and Kazooie for changing it up this round," Cranky admitted.
9-Volt blew an uncharacteristic raspberry, "If you think a couple of amateur boxing blows are gonna shake Cloud Strife, you got another thing coming."
Wriggling himself free of Kazooie's chokehold, Cloud executed Cross Slash into Triple Slash as he had so many times before. As they were knocked away, Banjo and Kazooie silently charged with Wonder Wing, colliding with Cloud. Kazooie dropping a grenade knocked both parties into the air.
"And Cloud lands first," 9-Volt hooted as the Duel Champion effortlessly glided across the stage, "I told you!"
"Hey anime boy," squawked Kazooie, "Here's an oldie but goodie! Bill Drill!"
Kazooie plummeted down beak first, planting her sharpened beak right on Cloud's head, spinning like a drill. Grimacing in pain Cloud jumped to the rightmost platform.
"Oooh, pulling out the Banjo-Tooie moves for this one," whistled Cranky, "You could say they're pulling out the big Breegull Blasters for this one."
Much to the delight of the majority of the crowd, Banjo, and Kazooie jumped to meet Cloud. Kazooie executed a Rat-a-Tat Rap while Kazooie scooped up the first item of the match, a Super Scope. Again, Cloud jumped away, but Banjo was already in position, his weapon charging.
"Chocobo Season, fire!" Kazooie commanded.
A fully charged Super Scope blast connected, but Cloud easily made it back to the battlefield easily.
"Pepper 'em Banjo," ordered Kazooie.
"On it," Banjo grunted.
, Small, rapid blasts of the Super Scope peled Cloud, allowing the animal adventures to close the distance. As the last laser blast hit Cloud, a blue aura erupted around him.
"CLIMHAZARD!" Cloud cried.
The sword brought the combatants up. The downward cleave allowed Cloud to claim ownership of the orb of Materia that had appeared. As the lightning of Rahmuh began to crackle around them Banjo and Kazooie scrambled away.
"Barrell! Top platform!" blurted Kazooie.
They set their destination, picking up the barrel, but Cloud clipping at Banjo's feet caused the mountain of muscle to fumble the barrel. The barrel conked the bear and bird on the head, sending them to the top Blast Zone!
"Wuh-ohhhhh," Banjo cried as he plummeted into the distance, disappearing as a star-like blip of light.
Cloud: 5
Banjo-Kazooie: 4
Immediately, Banjo had procured a grenade from Kazooie, lobbying it perfectly at Cloud. Another one made sure he was too far away from the stage to recover, plummeting into the bottom Blast Zone.
"SPIRAL MOUNTAIN VICE BITCHES!" Kazooie cheered.
"Banjo and Kazooie ain't nothin' to m-m-m-mess with," Banjo laughed.
Cloud: 4
Banjo-Kazooie: 4
As Banjo and Kazooie high-fived, Cloud jumped off the Revival Platform. At the same time, a Hammer spawned onto the field. Unfortunately, for the platforming duo, Cloud was the quickest to grab it.
"Nuh-uh. Leave that 1999 broken crap at your house boy!" Kazooie sneered.
"That ain't true Kazooie, he lives at Tifa's house. She's the breadwinner!" joked Banjo.
"Ooooh, burn!" mocked Kazooie.
Pecking him with her beak, Kazooie had Cloud locked down, but taking a second too long to peck again meant Banjo and Kazooie found themselves on the business end of Hammer.
"I'm willing to spend all of this stock's Wonder Wing to avoid that," Kazooie muttered through a gritted beak.
"Sounds like a plan to me, Condor," Banjo said.
Kazooie giggled, "I love it when you call me that,"
Like a bat out of Hell, the two charged through the air, kept alight by their golden hue…until they landed on an electrified platform, Rahmuh hard at work.
"SHIT," squawked Kazooie, "I forgot about that Zues from Hercules lookin' bastard,"
Banjo and Kazooie fell limply to the ground, allowing Cloud to jump and point his sword down, driving it into them just as Rahmuh snapped the platforms back into place.
Cloud backflipped, landing into a flying charge, intending the barrel the brunt of the Fusion Sword through the bear and bird.
"PARRY THE PLATYPUS," Kazooie hollered as the two channeled their chi for a parry.
Another grenade sent Cloud flying away.
"Sorry," Banjo called after his disheveled opponent, "Kazooie has spent too much time on the internet."
A real and fake Smash Ball appeared both turned their attention away to grab the true one. Cloud was faster and more powerful, netting it for himself. Beak and sword collided, the two carving each other up just as the fake Smash Ball landed between them.
"WONDER WING!" called Kazooie.
Banjo and Kazooie charged recklessly into the explosive item, breaking it. The explosion knocked Cloud away, but he did not relinquish his hold on the Smash Ball.
"OH C'MON!" Kazooie whined.
"OMNISLASH!" roared Cloud.
Cloud charged through the air effortlessly, colliding with Banjo and Kazooie. The portions of the Fusion Sword separated, Cloud grabbing each one and slicing through his opponent. When all of the swords had been acquired, Cloud slashed down. The explosion that resulted from their plummet to earth bounced Banjo and Kazooie into the top Blast Zone.
Cloud: 4
Banjo-Kazooie: 3
Cloud saw a Bomber appear just as Banjo-Kazooie reappeared on the Revival Platform. He closed his eyes briefly, focusing. The bubbling that constituted his Limit felt like it was going to burst.
He tensed as the aura around him exploded. He could hear Kazooie grunting in rhythm as she carried Banjo to him. He heard the sticky pitter-patter of the Bomber.
Just wait and listen Cloud reminded himself, Just as the ancient ones of Cosmo Canyon taught you to do.
Kazooie trotted forward. The Bomber lumbered into their path.
"BLADE BEAM!" called Cloud.
The combination of the whirling lasers from the Fusion Sword and the subsequent explosion of the Bomber sent Banjo and Kazooie's damage from zero to 65 percent, and the force of the explosion sent them to the Blast Zone.
"This has been the most back-and-forth match of the round," 9-Volt explained, "But now we may be looking at the Cloud Strife we all know and love!"
Cranky gagged, "I hope not."
Cloud:4
Banjo-Kazooie:2
Cloud's eyes darted to the rightmost platform, where an Assist Trophy lay. As soon as he found himself on the platform, he felt Kazooie drill into his back, grabbing the Assist Trophy, revealing the Prince of Sable, who immediately dove at the ex-SOLDIER, encasing him in a cloud of cartoonish dust. With their opponent distracted, Banjo and Kazooie darted around the field, grabbing the Materia to summon Leviathon, and grabbing an X-Bomb from the opposite platform. They tossed the item into the Prince of Sable's volley, beginning to run as the bomb went off.
"WONDER WING!"
A golden blur streaked across the stage at the Breegull's call, slamming into the encumbered Cloud. The swordsmen fell limply into the rushing water Leviathan had created, the rushing water sending him to the Blast Zone!
Cloud: 3
Banjo-Kazooie: 2
As Banjo sauntered to the middle of the stage, Cloud jumped off the Revival Platform, slashing them with Cross Slash. Kazooie carried Banjo up, dodging the inevitable Triple Slash.
"YA SON OF A BITCH I READ YOUR COMMAND MENU!" cackled Kazooie.
Cloud grabbed the grenade in mid-air.
"Oh have you?" Cloud asked, a devilish grin crossing his face.
Kazooie could only gulp.
Cloud tossed the grenade up, leaving the duo easy pickings for his Triple Slash. Before the final blow sent them away, Cloud immediately performed his Cross Slash technique, following that up with another Triple Slash, and another…
The Smashers' Box began to cheer at the display. Nana in particular smiled wide, "Hey Popo, someone else has an infinite in this circus."
"Yeah, except his infinite is cool," Sans retorted, not looking up from the production panel.
Just as Nana stuck her tongue out as a rebuttal, Cloud charged, slashing Banjo and Kazooie all the way down the stage, leaping into the air, and driving them both down to the Blast Zone with a Climhazard!
Cloud: 2
Banjo-Kazooie: 1
"Of course, leave it to a cocky JRPG brat like Cloud to get cocky like this," Cranky ranted.
"Eh," was 9-Volt's answer, "If you've got stocks to spare why not use 'em? It got Wolf to Round 4 after all."
Kazooie began to fire eggs as The Revival Platform disappeared underneath her and Banjo. Each egg pushed Cloud closer and closer to the edge. A final barrage finally caused Cloud to lose his footing, but another trio of eggs made sure he had no other destination but the Blast Zone.
Cloud: 1
Banjo-Kazooie: 1
"AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!" proclaimed Kazooie.
Banjo silently pointed at a Smash Ball fluttering through the air. Kazooie immediately took flight to get it, Cloud jumped, off the Revival Platform, cleaving his opponents down and away from the most powerful item in Smash. One Triple Slash broke it apart, bequeathing its power to him.
"OMNISLASH!" Cloud called.
"BRING IT!" Kazooie screamed, beckoning him forth with her wings.
As he had before, Cloud cleaved Banjo and Kazooie up, the swords spreading out into a deadly circle. One cleave saw Kazooie retaliate with a Wonder Wing!"
"WHAT?" shouted Cranky and 9-Volt together.
"If we go down, we go down swinging," huffed Kazooie, "You ready babe?"
"Guh-huh," Banjo wheezed.
'Good!" Kazooie shouted, patting Banjo on the head as Cloud stared on in awe, "Let's fucking goooooo!"
Wonder Wing and OmniSlash clashed in quadruplicate, a golden rainbow exploding in the sky.
"Damn it, we're all out," Kazooie panted, "Do your worst sword boy. You earned it."
With five slashes from five Smash Ball-imbued swords, Cloud spiked Banjo and Kazooie down to the middle of the arena, which sent them up into the Blast Zone!
GAME!
The commentators were uncharacteristically silent as the hundreds of billions that occupied Smash Stadium erupted in cheers. Toads, Hyrulians, Gerudos, aliens from across the Galactic Federation, and humanoid animals, all cheered on the most intense Smash fight yet!
In the Smash Mansion Courtyard, Cloud paid the adulation no mind, spinning his sword onto his back.
"Today's not your day," he said as the splash screen confirmed his victory.
CLOUD WINS!
Meanwhile, Banjo and Kazooie clapped on their portion of the screen. The screen slowly changed to show the bear and bird, Mister Zero standing before them.
"An incredible performance you two, but it just wasn't enough to topple the last tournament's champion. Any parting words?"
Banjo nodded, "I got in the best shape of my life for this, and it still wasn't enough. It's disappointin' obviously, but you're the champion for a reason. Congrats."
"Honey bear is right," Kazooie nodded, 'We thought our hearts were cold, but his is colder. Salut Mister Strife, salut."
Banjo and Kazooie delivered one final bow before walking off camera. By then, Rita was ready to interview Cloud.
"You face either Dante or Sephiroth next round. How do you feel?"
Cloud shrugged, "Dante ain't the first cocky asshole with a sword I've fought, and he won't be the last. I've fought Sephiroth many times before across many different planes of existence. If I have to fight him here, I'll give my all for the lives he's ruined."
Cloud marched up the tunnel to the applause of the awaiting Smashers. The applause subsided as Cloud and Sephiroth caught each other's eyes. The intermission bell rang, piercing the silent air.