"You don't have to do it all in one day," said the panda. Jessica didn't move from her writing. Papers lay tossed and fumbled around the desk either complete or crumpled up.
"I'm almost done."
"Why are you so invested in this?"
"Mama didn't raise no quitter."
"Still," Po said. "There's no rush. He said you didn't have to do it in one day. And it's not like you to be an overachiever."
"Po, I don't know. I just want to get this done," Jessica curtly said. Po stood silent with a slightly hurt look on his face. The husky sighed and finished the last sentence. "I'm sorry, Po. I just... Halfway into this, I just wanted to be done with all the... bad stuff."
"I get it, and I'm proud of you for doing this. But why did it become so important to you overnight?"
Jessica rubbed her eyes, "I haven't been sleeping well, and it wasn't like I had anything else to do."
"That's not the reason why you started writing non-stop," Po stated. Jessica huffed. She always got annoyed at how well Po could read her. "What is it?"
"I...I want to know where everything went wrong. I don't know. I just... do," Jessica's hand softly glided down the words she just wrote. "I mean, I've been through a lot. I've just... never realized how much I've been through."
"It's a lot, isn't it?" Po said. Jessica nodded but then her head perked up.
"You've done this before?"
"I keep a journal around here and there," Po replied with a shrug. "It was one of the things that helped me be a little self-reflective."
"Hmm," Jessica hummed with a small smile.
"Come on, grab those papers and lets get to Dr. Gozin's house," Po said.
Later...
The hallway stretched about a good fifty feet and the paper laid out ripped and torn in sections of it. "That's a lot of gaps."
Jessica huffed, "You told me to stop and start around those uncomfortable spots."
"Yes, I just didn't realize how they interrupted the whole story," The duck murmured. He waddled up and down the long line of papers, analyzing each before looking at Jessica. "Have you looked through any of these?"
"No?"
"Okay, so I want you to give me the briefest summary you can give me of the gaps. The ones that aren't here."
"Doc, I can't remember everything," Jessica muttered.
"Can't or don't want to?" Dr. Gozin asked. "Either is fine for the moment, but when you were going through this, there was a reason why you tore those gaps. Which means somewhere you do remember." The husky grumbled under her teeth, but the duck simply smiled. "It's okay. We won't get into the deep woods of what happened. Let's start at the beginning. Tell me about this gap."
From there, they kept talking about the gaps. With each gap, Jessica noticed her voice growing lower and lower. Each time it threatened to stop together, Gozin would say, "Don't worry, you're doing great. It takes strength to do this, and you're doing better than most. We have all the time in the world."
"I just... I don't like talking about it."
"Then let's not," Gozin would smile and move on. Finally, by the end of the story, the duck rubbed his bill and scanned the story again. "Hmmm, I think I noticed a theme. Jessica, what do you think a man is?"
"Ugh! Not this question," Jessica grumbled. "I don't know. Po already went through that whole mess and-"
"Well, Po went through it. And I'm not saying you have to, but I am noticing not a lost sense of being a man, but a frantic, anxiety-laden one."
"Come again?"
"In the majority of your uncomfortable gaps, there is this underlying theme of trying to be a man. Being the best, biggest, most... est person."
Jessica stayed silent for a long moment. Sighing, she plopped into a chair and huffed. "And I'm guessing that's not right?"
"There's no need to be defensive about it, but you came in here wondering what is wrong with you, correct?"
"I... guess."
Gozin sat in a chair near by, facing her. "Why do you perceive that there's something wrong at all?"
Jessica threw up her hands. "Hell if I should know! I'm just sick of this stuff I'm dealing with, all this feeling bad and stuff about sex. I don't want to be a bad person, but I just..."
"Keep going."
"I don't know how to say it."
Gozin stroked his bill again. "Well, create a trainwreck first, and then piece it back together. It's easier than starting from nothing."
Jessica shook her head dismissively. This duck was really getting on her nerves, and she really didn't know how. Each time she looked at him, there was always this kind understanding smile, nothing assuming or judging. Just always curious and inviting, as if she were the only person in the world.
She knew he was a good therapist, but the fact that there were things he just knew about her upset her and made her feel vulnerable.
"How does Po do this?"
"You're comparing yourself to Po?" Gozin asked.
"No... yes?" Jessica said quietly. "It's just... he's gotten so much better within the past few years. Getting ripped, being a stud, and going out of his way to take on me! I just don't... How does he do that and live so... free? Like he has no fears."
"Are you more worried about the strength or the outcome of it?" Dr. Gozin said. "Because I can tell you Po has fears, probably the same ones that he had beforehand."
"But how does he do it?"
"Well, how do you face your fears?"
"Head on," Jessica muttered. "I don't like pussyfooting around it."
"And yet you seem to be avoiding something yourself," Dr. Gozin replied. The husky made another huff. "Aren't you happy with everything that you have?"
"Yes... and...no," Jessica sighed. "I'm... I'm just like my ex when I neglected my girls, I'm afraid of being one-up'd by my brother or anyone for that matter, I'm confused about what the hell is going on with this no nut thing, I have nothing outside of sex to fall back on and make me feel like a... a... I don't know!"
"A fuller character?"
"YES!" Jessica shouted. Her breathing grew shallow all of a sudden and she had to relax back into the chair. "Sorry Doc, I-"
"Don't worry about me. Please continue," Gozin replied patiently.
"I just...I feel like a scared little kid holding their tail between their legs. And I don't fucking know how to escape it."
"Maybe that is the problem?"
Jessica rose up her head. "What?"
"Maybe it's not escaping them that you should do. You'll always have fears and stress. Perhaps you should stop escaping and try to reconnect with something or someone that gives you peace. But it sounds like the common thing that you are trying to escape is being good at being your definition of a man. Is this correct?"
"I... I think."
"It's okay to disagree, I'm just asking questions."
"I... I don't know. It sounds accurate," Jessica sighed. "I just... what is it that Po has that I don't?"
"Do your girls say he's better than you."
"No, but I know he is. He takes care of them, he listens to them, he knows their names off the top of his head, and he's never afraid to do anything for them!"
"Then what's stopping you from doing the same?" Gozin asked. Jessica blinked. She hadn't considered that, but one answer did pop up.
"I'm afraid... of... when they'll see... all of me," Jessica threw her head into her hands. "That's what it is, isn't it? I'm afraid of what people will see inside me. I'm worried about being thrown into the trash. Just like my ex did. Just like I've done with girls."
"You haven't," Gozin replied. "I can see that from others around you and your own story that's not true. It does sound like you're scared of people seeing you less than a... person. Whether that be a woman or man isn't important. But it sounds like it's because you're afraid of people treating you like your ex, and so you've created this tough persona and hyperfocused on sex because you know that's the one thing you're very good at. But when you hyperfocus on any one thing and make it the only part of your identity, when anyone comes in and seems like a threat, you get upset and often hurt. You have a very fragile external perception of your masculinity. You think it can be taken away by someone who's bigger, more in charge, or has more luck with the women than you do."
The duck rolled up from his chair and placed a feathery wing onto Jessica's hands, gently pulling them from her face. "And that's why Po throws you for such a loop. Because he's not any of those things and yet he seems so much better. You love him, but you don't want to be usupred by him. But that's why it's confusing for you. He's not bigger than you, he usually takes a more submissive role, and his luck with women is still really the same. But you feel jealous, not because of anything externally, but internally. It sounds like you think being a man is an external thing, whereas for Po, it is an internal thing. That's why you've been comparing yourself with him. You didn't have to beforehand, now, things are different."
Jessica's eyes closed shut. She heard the rip of paper and opened them up to see a tissue held by the duck. She took it and wiped her eyes.
"So," She gruffly said. "What now?"
"Well, you've already gotten through half the battle: Being aware. Now comes a choice. Will you simply continue escaping to sex to keep away from these fears of being less than others, or will you connect to a deeper sense of who you are and who you want to be? Escape or connect?"
"I really don't know who I am anymore, Doc," Jessica sighed.
Gozin kindly smiled, "Don't worry, no one does."
"What about neglecting girls?"
Gozin shrugged, "Well, you can just... stop." Jessica growled, but the duck didn't seem to mind. "Spend some more time with them. Not a date to simply get in their pants or thongs... or anything resembling clothes."
"I thought you didn't judge people."
"I'm not. I'm just saying what does in fact go on. Am I right?"
Jessica grumbled, "Still sounds judgmental. What about my fears?"
"Realize that they're not real. And where they come from. Most of your fears of being submissive don't come from your parents. They don't come from Po being mean to you or anyone else being mean. They come from your ex. Realize that being submissive can be a roleplay thing, or something that is defined outside of the bedroom. Or not. But that's completely your choice in the relationships you make. It's just a-"
"A game," Jessica finished with a sigh. "Yeah, Po mentioned something about that. And what about my ex?"
"He's not here," Dr. Gozin replied as calmly as Po would. "He can't hurt you."
"But he's in here," Jessica muttered, pointing to her brain.
"Then you're gonna have to replace him with something or someone else. There are some techniques I can show you to get through traumatic events. And no, they don't involve extensive writing."
"Whew," Jessica sighed.
"But they can hopefully help you."
"What about that external/internal stuff?"
"That you'll have to figure out on your own. I can't help you with that much. You're gonna have to decide the type of person you want to be. You can't be like Po, so stop comparing yourself to him. But you can be the best version of you you can be. It takes time, a lot of time, but it will happen if you keep going," Gozin helped her up to her feet and headed to the door. "Remember, anything external can be taken away, but anything internal is yours to keep or give up forever."
"What does that mean?"
"You'll figure it out," Gozin smiled. Rolling her eyes, Jessica gave a small smile back before leaving the duck's house.
Another week passed and Jessica continued trying to find other hobbies of hers; video games became a real joy. She didn't want to get into activities, but Po suggested that would come after her abstinence period. "By the way, when are you going to stop that?" Po asked.
"It's only supposed to be for a week or two," Jessica sighed, resting her arms on the kitchen counter. The quiet surprised her and she looked at Po's shocked face. "What?"
"Jessica, it's been a month and a half!"
Jessica nearly dropped the mug of orange juice in her hand; she had tried to reduce her coffee intake for her sleeping troubles. "What! You mean I could've been fucking ages ago?!"
"Have you wanted to?" Po asked.
The husky groaned a bit. "Not really. With the college and everything else, I haven't had the time to even think about it."
"Well, when it happens, just make sure that you have Bao near you."
Jessica rose her eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because that hornyness will hit you like a truck," Po said. The husky rolled her eyes and smirked as she walked away. "But hey, I'm proud of you, Jessica. Not a lot of guys or women go through what you went through and stick with it."
Jessica smiled back. "I have you as a brother. Of course, I'll get through it." She turned back and headed down to the basement where Bao's laboratory was. She knocked on the door, breathing a little breath of calm to steady her worry. Bao had promised to suffer through this thing with her. Jessica kinda made it through because of the emotional baggage she had to untangle. But what about Bao?
"Come in," The bear said. Opening the door, tubes, glasses, and vents spanned a cube-like room with a chalkboard on the other side. "Oh hey, Jessica. What's up?"
"Nothing, just... checking on you. What are you working on?"
"Just working up an anti-depressent that only works at fixing brain tissue."
"Come again?"
"I'm trying to fix the brain so the patient doesn't have to keep popping pills because they're depressed."
"That's... that's incredible," Jessica exclaimed. "I didn't realize you were so talented, Bao."
"Hehe, you know me," Bao smirked with a wink, "Always unpredictable."
"Is that a panda thing, or just you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Bao innocently said. Jessica rolled her eyes. "What time is it?"
"8:20 p.m. I was wondering if you wanted to catch a movie or something. I was thinking of bringing Kayla, too."
"That white lioness? Hehe, you're really turning the corner, huh?" Bao chuckled, but she regretted it immediately when Jessica frowned a bit. "I like it, what you're trying to do, you know. And I'm sure the girls really love it."
"I hope so," Jessica sighed. Bao gently placed a hand on Jessica's cheek.
"I appreciate it," The bear said. The husky smiled from ear to ear.
"Umm... am I interrupting something?" Said a white lioness at the door. Jessica and Bao turned around and coughed. "Are we going to the movies?"
"Yeah, yeah, sure," Bao quickly took off her lab coat. "Just give me a sec." As she darted away, Kayla simply glanced at Jessica, smirking a bit.
"Wh-What?"
"You love her don't you?"
"Pst, of course, I do. I love all my girls, kitten," Jessica grinned confidently, wrapping her arm around Kayla.
"Uh huh," Kayla smugly grinned. "You know, it is okay to have your favorites. Nothing wrong with that."
"I don't want to neglect anyone."
"Just keep tabs on who likes you the most and who wants to be a casual fling. Simple," Kayla replied.
"Huh, I never thought of that."
"Come on, let's see that movie," Kayla smiled.
Of course, the movie wasn't really much to write home about. It was more interesting to see Kayla and Bao go at it with their reactions which kept Jessica laughing forever. When the night started to roll in, Jessica suggested that Bao and Kayla sleep with her. "What about your-"
"I just haven't been in the mood lately. A lot of emotional baggage."
"I get it," Kayla smiled. "And we'd love to sleep with you, Mistress."
"Hehe, when we're not having sex and when you're close enough to me, you can just call me Jessica," The husky replied.
"Ehh, I think I'll stick with Mistress. But I'm sure Bao will love calling you Jessica," The lioness teased the blushing panda with a hip bump.
"Kayla!"
"It's alright. I'll be fine," Jessica smiled.
{Sexy time on AO3}
"I mean, I don't have a ring," Jessica said, "But I can-"
"YES!" Bao kissed Jessica long and hard. "Yes, of course, I'll marry you!"
Jessica grinned as wide as Po and her tail wagged like never before. "A-Awesome! O gods I sound like Po."
"Hehe," Bao chuckled and kissed her fiancé into a sex-laden sleep.
After they snuggled together in their little place for a while, Jessica walked over to the kitchen where Po just finished cooking. It was noontime, and the panda was just finishing up with a healthy helping of stew when came up to him. "Po?" She said in a soft voice. Po turned around and saw the husky's skirt and jacket with nothing else on.
"Oh, hey Jess. What's up?"
She didn't say a word. She just wrapped her arms around him and hugged him, burying her head into his furry chest. "Jessica, what's wrong? Did something happen between you and-"
"Thank you," She rasped. Her head rose up revealing her wide tear-filled smile. "Thank you for everything you've done for me. I can't tell you how much I'm glad to call you more than a brother. And... I'm sorry."
"Jessica, if this is about when we lived together in the apartment-"
"No," The husky stopped him with her finger. "It's not that. Not just that. I... I'm sorry that I put you in this stupid game of being dominant or submissive. I'm... I'm sorry I was jealous of you."
"Jealous of me?"
"You were so... happy with just what you had and who you were no matter what people or... I said about you. You managed to take everything I thought I knew about being in charge and throw it out the window. You are a real man," Jessica sighed, "And I was just playing one."
"Jessica, I didn't mean to do that. I was just trying to make sure you were alright."
Jessica slowly lifted her head. "That's the thing. You managed to have the exact opposite of what I have and seemed to have so much more. And... I was jealous of that."
Jessica sighed, staring at some unknown spot on the ground while the panda quietly watched her. Even though she was partially clothed, she felt naked in front of him. She hadn't been this open with him since... her ex.
"And now?"
"Now I realize you didn't have more. You just... accepted all of you. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not used to this philosophical crap," The dog muttered.
Po chuckled, "Is it philosophical, or just truth."
"I don't know," Jessica retorted. "All I know is... you've only ever helped me and... I'm sorry I was jealous of you. And I'm also sorry for... taking the dominant-submissive thing so seriously. And for making it such a big part of me."
Po gently rested a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay. But why all of this now?"
"Over this month, I probably had more emotional baggage thrown at me than when I had to run through the airport with a boner and I shoved all my stuff at you."
"Ah yes," Po chuckled. "How could I forget that."
Jessica smiled a bit, "And I had a good long look at myself. Saw some of the stuff I've been running away from."
"And what have you learned from all of this... self-reflection?"
The husky looked up at her brother and smiled. "That I don't need to have sex or breed or be in charge to feel like I'm enough. I am enough for myself. And there's more than enough for everyone. I was so jealous of you that I didn't realize I wasn't enough for myself."
"Yeah," Po sighed with a deep understanding smile. "I definitely know what that's like. But I'm proud of you, sis. I really am." They hugged one more time as Jessica's tail happily wagged behind her.
"Don't think this means I'm not gonna ride you and your ass from time to time," Jessica smirked, pulling away and slapping his rear. "I'm not giving that up."
"Hehe of course not," Po smiled. Jessica turned to leave, but Po asked, "Oh, by the way, I was thinking of going clubbing tonight. Did you want to come? For old times' sake? There will be pretty girls."
Jessica shook her head, smiling. "No, I think I'm good for today. Maybe tomorrow. I think I'm just gonna spend some time with Bao and the girls."
"Hehe, alright. Suit yourself," Po shrugged, but he stopped. "I guess that's it then huh?"
"What is?"
"I mean, I was struggling to be enough for myself. But you were struggling to figure out when it is enough for you."
Jessica blinked several times and slowly nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
"See, the philosophical mumbo jumbo makes sense after a while," Po grinned.
Jessica rolled her eyes. "See you later, Po."
"See you later," Po smiled as the husky went back to her room to cuddle with her panda. "Yeah... enough. I guess the world would be a lot better if we learn to be and have... enough." Po smiled wider and happily ate his food in content silence.
End
dDon't really know if I'll try to redo this one but I definitely know this isn't everyone's cup of tea. That's okay. I guess I was trying to do too mucfh at once, but hey don't know what'll work if you don't break it. Don't know if I'll do another one though. Who knows.